Dharma & Greg s02e13 Episode Script

Now, we're not going to stay very ong.
Mother Montgomery is very ill.
We don't want to wear her out.
- How bad is it? - Doctor says it's just a matter of time.
- There's nothing they can do? - Just keep her comfortable.
Hey, I just figured out why you guys think she's going deaf.
Mother Montgomery.
- Hi, Mother.
- Hello, Grandmother.
Mother Montgomery, we remember Dharma from the wedding, don't we? Well, I do, but if you're having troube you might wanna cut out those lunchtime martinis.
The doctor says you're doing much better.
- Much better.
- That's what he says.
- Much better.
What do you think, Dharma? Doesn't matter what think.
What do you think? Think 'm dying.
You know.
'm so gad you know.
You guys, she knows.
We don't have to whisper anymore.
Gregory, will you please tell Dharma to wrap it up? What do you want me to do? They're ordering Thai food.
- And we'd ike an order of - Pad Prik Pao.
Pad Prik Pao.
Tell them you want extra pao.
Pile on the pao.
Beatrice, you're on a restricted diet.
Oh, pease, 'm dying.
I should be chain-smoking cigarettes wrapped in bacon.
Mother, no one's dying.
You're not dying.
Excuse me.
I do not understand why we can't tak about this.
Beatrice, have you picked out a coffin yet? Wow, Dharma, no.
Don't wanna spend a ot of money on something that's going into the ground.
I know what you mean.
I want my body to be cremated.
But my head? I want my head shot out of a cannon.
Dharma, this is very distasteful and nobody wants to talk about it.
I do.
I wanna talk about my funeral.
I wanna talk about who's gonna get this stuff here.
But every time I bring it up, somebody changes the subject.
Oh, look at that squirrel.
He's a fat one, huh? Dharma, since you're the ony one who's comfortabe with this is there anything here you want? - Really? - Anything at all.
Well Well, does that old violin still work? Shoud hope so.
T's a Stradivarius.
Go ahead.
Take it out of the case.
Beatrice, you woudn't dare.
- Does Dharma play? - No.
Oh, this ought to be good.
You are leaving that to the National Gallery.
Let them have that ugly Monet in the bathroom they keep bothering me about.
The Stradivarius is priceless.
So is that expression on your face.
Want to die knowing that someone's gonna play the damn thing.
Edward, say something.
Oh, he's got a fat itte friend, too.
Yeah, that one's fat.
That one's fat.
Give it a try, dear.
You cannot let her learn to play the violin on a Stradivarius.
You're just puckered at both ends, aren't you? Go ahead, dear.
Go ahead.
Here goes.
Wow, imagine how bad a cheap one would sound.
That was really wonderful.
Unreal.
Absolutely phenomenal.
- What do you think, Greg? - Well, honey if this is something you'd be interested in, I think you should take some lessons.
Hold on there, Greg.
I mean, lessons is just imposing society's idea on how to pay the vioin.
Yeah, Greg.
Nobody really needs lessons to express their inner music.
Dharma does.
We all do.
You need lessons to play the violin.
You do.
I know you do.
'M not making this up.
This is not some sort of political thing.
You need lessons to play the violin.
Where did that come from? That's my Justin.
He also plays the flute.
Violin and flute.
Are you trying to get him killed? - Which one is yours? - The big blond one.
She just got her braces off.
Adorabe, isn't she? She seems a bit mature to be in beginning violin class.
She's 10 and a haf.
Doctors say by the time she's in high schoo she' be 20 feet ta.
Does anyone need any help tuning? - Yes, I do, please.
- Okay.
I can show you a little trick here.
Holy God.
Where did you get this? - T's a Stradivarius.
- I know.
Do you mind if l? Oh, good luck.
Can't get it to do much.
Oh, okay.
See what you're doing.
Okay.
Here, let me try that out.
Thank you.
That's Mommy's itte beanstak.
Hello.
Hey, come on out.
Woudn't you rather come in here, dear? Oh, no, Greg says it sounds better outside.
Where is he? Don't know.
He keeps going to the store for stuff.
Dharma, may I? May I see the bow for just a moment, please? - Oh, sure.
- Thank you.
Now we have to talk about the violin.
It belongs in a museum.
- Beatrice wants it to be played.
- No.
What Beatrice wants is to irritate me.
And she's found a way of doing it ong after she's gone to her grave.
Yeah.
What is the deal with you two? There's no reason to go into it.
- A right.
' just practice my scaes.
- No, don't.
I will tell you.
Edward's mother had a very set notion of who her son would marry.
- Really.
- Yes.
And then her son came home with this young, blond, free-thinking Vassar girl on his arm.
So she didn't wecome you into the family? Oh, far from it.
Frankly, she made my life miserable.
Nothing I could do pleased her.
The witch.
Starting with the marriage, which she said was just an impulsive, rash decision.
Kitty, does this remind you of any other situation? - No, don't think so.
- Think harder.
Oh, you're right.
It is rather like Cinderella.
Okay, I gave it a shot.
Kitty, did you ever try telling Beatrice how you felt about this? There is no point.
Dharma, the woman detests me.
Did you know there is an engagement ring in that family that has been passed down for generations and she woudn't et Edward give it to me.
Well, you know what? She's dying now.
Dharma, that's a sma comfort.
Kitty, did you ever think that maybe your feud with Beatrice has hurt Greg's reationship with her? Don't think one has to do with the other.
He's never gotten cose to his grandmother.
He doesn't want it to ook ike he's taking sides.
'Ve never said anything to Gregory about spending time with his grandmother.
You don't have to say anything.
You just have to throw him a Kitty.
"A Kitty"? Oh, don't do that - Oh, my God.
- 'M sorry.
She's gone.
Oh, dear.
I knew this day was coming, but I never thought Oh, Beatrice.
We made each other miserable over the years, didn't we? Well, for my part, I want you to know 'm sorry.
- ' Bet.
You are an awful, horrible, vile, old woman.
And I will dance on your grave.
Not with those fat ankles.
Good job, honey.
Take a fur home.
How is this my fault? Did you or did you not encourage my mother to be open and emotionally vulnerable with my grandmother? - Yeah.
- Did you or did you not encourage my grandmother to live these last days to their fullest to do the things she wanted to do? How could I have possibly seen this coming? Dharma, Dharma, a 'm saying is that my family has a way of dealing with situations like this.
What way? No one in your family wants to acknowedge that the woman's dying.
- We acknowledge it.
- How? Well I bought her that bathrobe she's using whie she's dying.
Wait a minute.
You bought me a bathrobe for Christmas.
- Were you trying to tell me something? - Dharma.
Greg, what about saying goodbye to her before she dies? - Helping her through the whole process? - Dharma, just stay out of it.
I know you love your grandmother.
'Ve never once seen you give her a hug.
Maybe we're not huggers.
Maybe we don't do things the way your family does.
Maybe we're doing this wrong, but it's our way.
And 'm not gonna say it again, stay out of it.
- Fine.
- Thank you.
And then he's a, "And 'm not gonna say it again, stay out of it.
" Bea, I know I told you to have fun, but what you did to Kitty was mean.
It was really mean.
But it was funny, though.
Still, you scared the whiz out of her.
Literally? You know that for sure? Hey.
It took a lot for her to come over here and mend fences and you're being a jerk about it.
No one in my life has ever called me a jerk.
Oh, yeah? What ese haven't you been caed? We're running out of time.
Kitty never loved my son.
She married him for his money.
That's not true.
Kitty's parents were aready miionaires.
Having a million doesn't make you a miionaire.
Bea, you're wrong.
Why are you defending her? Thought you two didn't get aong.
Generay, we don't.
But ' te you something.
When Greg and I had to give up that baby we adopted Kitty sat with me all day in my bed while I cried.
You're a big, bond pain in the ass.
Give me the phone.
I think you should give her that family ring.
- She's sti crabbing about this ring? - Well, you hurt her feelings.
T's reay important to her.
T's not gonna ook good on those peasant sausage fingers.
Excuse me.
What is in this bag you're hooked up to, iquid nasty? - 'M giving it to her.
- Thank you.
Now cover up my toes.
'm cod.
Well, first let me make sure your toenails are dry.
Sexy.
See, now you can wear those open-toed shoes at the funeral.
I was thinking, maybe we should be spending the day with grandmother.
But she hates football.
Come on, Dad.
Sn't there anything that you might wanna say to her before You know.
She knows how I feel about her.
Oh, look.
The band.
I love the band.
I wonder if she knows how I feel about her.
'M sure she does.
Really? 'M not so sure.
've never tod her.
Greg, she knows that grandsons love their grandmothers just like children love their parents and husbands love their wives.
And don't see why everyone has to run around blubbering about it.
- Didn't bubber in your day, did they? - Hell, no.
And you know who's to bame for this nonsense? The floral industry and the greeting-card industry.
Don't forget the diamond industry.
They all make my life a living hell.
Oh, look, some guy just parachuted down onto the field.
Bet he's embarrassed.
- Come on.
- Where we going? Let's go see Grandmother.
Yeah.
All right.
Let's go see Grandmother.
Dharma? She died, Greg.
Oh, God.
Mother? It was very peaceful.
I was going to tell her that I loved her.
We, you just did.
She's sti around.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
Oh, for heaven's sake.
Beatrice, you old witch, get up.
Okay.
You watch the door, ' get the ring.
I like this side of you, Dharma.
Beatrice wanted me to give it to Kitty and I forgot to get it.
- Does she have a watch? - Oh, Jane.
- T's not ike she needs a watch.
- Jane.
Can't get it off.
Here, try this.
Why do you carry around a can of WD-40? For situations like this.
Besides this, what's a situation ike this? Oh, God, what are you doing? - Not much, what are you doing? - No, what are you doing? Just checking in on Bea.
She looks so peaceful.
Of course, the sound of that ticking watch is gonna drive her crazy.
Why are you holding a can of WD-40? Because she was squeaking, now she's not.
- Dharma? - All right, Greg.
Beatrice wanted your mother to have the engagement ring, but she died suddenly.
And now 'm just trying to grant her dying wish.
Oh, God.
Hurry.
Unce Fergus, she's not ready just yet.
How could she not be ready? Well, you know women.
Okay.
Okay, I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- Oh, shoot.
- Dharma.
Greg, 've given what you said a lot of thought.
And 'd ike a few moments with my mother to tell her how I feel.
Dad, she knows sons love their mothers.
Plus, you sent the big flowers.
No, I have to see her now.
Okay, but Well, you might wanna wait because Dharma and Jane are saying goodbye just now.
A right, ' wait.
Kitty? Beatrice wanted me to give this to you.
- My God.
- It was her dying wish.
- After all these years - sn't it beautifu? Well, yes.
Technically, of course you're the new bride, I should give it to you.
No, that's a right.
You keep it.
' Get it off you some day.
- You mean you' get it from me.
- Oh, no.
' get it off you.
Know how.
Friends, as we begin our service here this afternoon we honor a final request of Beatrice Eleanor Montgomery.
Everybody: - Hey.
- Hi.
- How was your violin lesson? - Oh, pretty good.
Hope you're not gonna be upset by this, but my teacher has the opportunity to play in the San Francisco Phiharmonic, and she's reay good.
And I thought we could lend her the Stradivarius.
Is that okay? Are you kidding? Of course.
Tell her she can, you know, keep it as long as she needs it.
- So you're not mad? - Well, I am gonna miss your playing.
Oh, no, you're not.
Because look, I got this instead.
Check it out.