Empty Nest (1988) s02e13 Episode Script

Life goes on and so do we just how we do it is no mystery one by one we fill the days we find a thousand different ways Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need rain or shine I'll be the one to share it all as life goes on we share it all as life goes on Breakfast is ready.
Come and get it.
Excuse me.
Damn.
Barbara, I was up half the night worried about you.
You could have called.
I'm sorry.
I was working.
Oh, what, they don't have phones at a shootout? Daddy, how many times are we gonna have this conversation? Being a cop is as important to me as being a pediatrician is to you.
Come on, Barbara.
Listen to me.
I come home, I turn on the TV, and I hear, "cop shot at stakeout.
Details at 11:00.
" You have no idea what it's like to wait for the news to find out if my daughter is still alive.
Daddy, don't be silly.
I would call you if I got killed.
Not funny, Barbara.
This is not funny.
I am very worried about you.
Daddy, at the library the other day, a book fell on my thumb.
I mean, I just don't know if all this danger is worth it.
Well, I do get to meet interesting people.
No, I'm talking to your sister, dear.
Yes, there is danger, daddy, but it's worth it.
Today, I'm gonna be in court, and my testimony is gonna put Mike "the butcher" Blanchard away for the next ten years.
Excuse me, this butcher guy, he's not the kind that holds a grudge, is he? Daddy, do you know that it took six months of tracing license plates, staking out his home, and my partner getting shot to nail this guy? Barbara, do me a favor.
When you're on the stand at the butcher's trial, try to see how many times you can work in the phrase, "they're making me say this.
" I hate that job of hers.
I, on the other hand, have some good news for you, daddy.
Oh, really? I was going to wait until your birthday, but it's too exciting.
It's taken me a year of scrimping and saving, but I have finally come up with enough money to get you the perfect gift.
Sweetheart, my birthday's not for months.
I know, but I couldn't wait.
It's something I know you've wanted for a long, long time, something you can keep and Cherish forever.
Now guess.
It's a portrait, daddy.
An oil portrait.
Of me.
What do you think? Hey, hey, how about that? Hey.
Okay.
Come on, Laverne.
Who's next? It's that neighbor of yourn, Charley dietz.
Here's his chart.
You have a chart on Charley? Heck, he even had a finger paintin' up on the wall till I figured out what it was.
Hello, Charley.
How you doing? Fine, Harry.
Good.
How's it with you? Everything's fine.
So how are you feeling? Good.
Thanks for asking.
You? Charley, please, I'm a very busy man.
Right.
Okay.
It's about this date I had last night.
Remember how you guys used to call me Mr.
love magic? I remember you asking us to.
Well, I'm kind of having some problems with the magic act.
So, I mean, what kind of problems? Wand problems.
I see.
I see.
Well, Charley, it's very common for men to occasionally have certain magical problems, you know, levitating.
Charley, I'm having a very hard time sustaining this metaphor.
Please, I mean, most men at some time in their life are impotent.
There's that word.
There's that word.
All right, Charley, come on now.
I'm sure it's nothing serious.
You're probably just not attracted to this woman.
No, that's not it.
I mean, I've been out with her twice before and done just fine.
She really tried to get me going last night.
She's a very sexy gal.
Did some wild things with my necktie.
Actually, that's your necktie.
I'll get that back to you.
Keep it.
Anyway, I'm supposed to see her again tonight.
I mean, what do I say if nothing happens? Charley, all you got to do is just relax.
I mean, one time doesn't mean anything.
Okay, but this is just between us, okay? Yes, of course.
Absolutely.
All right.
There you go now.
I see you didn't put down a diagnosis.
Charley has a little croup.
Wednesday the 3rd, im-po-tence.
Charley, I didn't I didn't! Thanks.
I have terrible news.
I can't get you that portrait for your birthday.
What can I say? Darn? I can't afford it anymore.
I had a car accident on the way to the portrait studio.
Honey, I'm sorry.
Are you okay? Yes, I'm just mad at myself.
I was practicing different poses on the way there.
What I learned is, when going into a turn, both hands should be on the wheel, not here.
I guess up until now I've just been lucky.
That accident's gonna eat up all the money I was saving for your portrait, daddy.
Honey, don't worry about it.
Don't waste your money.
Come on, I have so many pictures of you.
You don't want a portrait of me, daddy? Want? Need i would love one, dear.
But now because of this darn accident, I will just have to do without the portrait and I'll just make do with the real thing.
Oh, no, daddy.
I will find some way to get the money.
- They wouldn't let me testify.
- What? The bailiff calls out my name, but before I'm halfway to the witness stand, the butcher's attorney pulls some fancy lawyer trick and tells me I won't be needed.
That's terrible.
What kind of a system protects a guy like this? He's a deranged, lowlife, drug dealing killer.
You know, Barbara, it's usually polite to ask other people about their day too.
And they call this justice.
It is so frustrating.
It really makes me sick.
That's Barbara.
Me, me, me, me, me, me.
You'd think a book fell on her.
Charley, you knocked.
I know, Harry.
Look what I've been reduced to.
I've come to the point where I have to compensate for masculinity with politeness.
Harry, I need to talk to you about my croup problem.
All right.
I went out with that woman like you said I should, and she put on another show.
This time, there was food involved.
Very erotic.
Hot fudge and aerosol cheese.
She sounds really special.
Yeah, but I sent her home confused, unsatisfied.
And with a cracker stuck to her.
Charley, please.
What am I gonna do about this woman? She thinks I'm a poor excuse for a man.
Oh, come on now.
Nobody would think that.
Those were her exact words.
This is so humiliating.
I mean, when you can't even Bench-press your own body weight, which, of course, is a problem I don't have.
Well, gotta go.
Yup, gonna chop down some redwoods.
What's the matter? Mike "the butcher" got off.
They dropped all the charges against him.
- You're kidding? - Oh, and get this.
They misspelled his name on the search warrant, so the judge declares all the evidence inadmissible.
Daddy, do you believe this system? I spend six months tracking this guy down, my partner almost gets killed, and for what? To watch some creep smirk at me as he leaves the courtroom a free man? That is really rotten.
Barbara, I don't know how you put up with that job of yours.
I know I couldn't do it.
Yeah, well, I can't either.
Well, you sort of have to.
No, I don't.
I turned in my badge today, daddy.
I quit the force.
Good morning, dear.
Good morning.
You're awfully chipper this morning, daddy.
I've been sleeping these days.
Your sister quit the force.
Now if I only can get her to quit dating, I'll be the most relaxed man in the universe.
Here, daddy.
Have some soda.
Soda, Carol? It's 8:00 A.
M.
But the sooner you drink that one, the sooner you can start on this one.
Honey, I'm not so sure this recycling aluminum cans scheme is the best way to finance this portrait.
Now let me lend you the money.
Absolutely not, daddy.
I want to do it this way.
I'm helping the environment and making money.
Besides, you did this when you were a boy.
Carol, I was nine.
I collected tin cans because there was a war on.
We all pitched in to save the world from fascism.
Your face in oils over the fireplace doesn't have the same urgency.
Morning, all.
Carol, I'm not thirsty.
So, hey, you got some more job interviews today? Yeah, but I don't think I'm gonna be needing 'em.
I feel really good about those interviews yesterday.
Barbara, honey, it's not that simple.
You've only been looking for one day, and, well, frankly, you're not qualified for much.
Here now, I've been circling the want ads, and I think I found some very interesting job offers for you.
Look.
Here's one.
Flexible hours and you get to wear a paper hat.
Thanks, Carol, but I don't think I really need your help.
Barbara, you really think the phone is going to ring, and suddenly someone's going to offer you a job? Oh, my god.
Hello? Yes.
That's great.
Okay, I'll be there tomorrow at 9:00.
- Well? - I got the job.
I'm gonna be working at a real estate office.
That's great.
Real estate.
Yeah, they just wanted someone perky and upbeat to get the buyers excited and then turn it over to the agent.
Great, so the perky, upbeat people are getting all the good jobs.
What does that leave for the clinically depressed? Carol, you have a job.
Anyway, daddy, it's salary plus commission.
They said I could make up to $40,000 a year.
Something is very wrong here.
$40,000 a year for perky? I have a master's degree in philosophy.
I can prove categorically why that makes no sense.
That's it.
That's it.
I am going to miss bingham tomorrow, and I am going to ask for a raise.
That is how I will pay for your portrait, daddy.
Honey, don't get upset.
This thing with Barbara is just a fluke.
Hello? Yes.
Oh, really? Well, that's very nice of you, but I've already accepted another job.
Daddy, make it stop.
Oh, okay, okay, okay, shh.
How are you, my sweetheart? Hi.
Oh, miss bingham turned down your raise.
No, she approved it.
I'm confused.
Daddy, I was a nervous wreck the whole day trying to work up the courage to ask her.
It was so bad that I finally decided to forget the whole thing.
But then I walked into the ladies' room, and I looked at myself in the mirror, and I said, "Carol Weston, you are a good and loyal" and hardworking employee, and you deserve a raise.
" Good for you.
And then you marched in and you told miss bingham? No, I didn't have to.
As it turned out, she was in one of the stalls and said yes.
Well, so far, this sounds good.
Weird but good.
So how much of a raise did you get? Well, we went back and forth on it for a while.
This is what we came up with.
$1.
15 an hour.
Well, I mean, that's great, so what's the problem? It turns out that, because we're a state university, my raise has to be approved by the Florida legislature.
Your $1.
15-an-hour raise has to be voted on by the state legislature? They're attaching it to a general appropriations bill.
But miss bingham says there's a good chance that my raise will get lost in that whole uproar over the toxic waste dump.
So I'm afraid, daddy, that I cannot get you that portrait for your birthday.
Hi.
Daddy, Carol, this is my boss cookie.
- Hello.
- Hi.
How are you? We were in the neighborhood, showing a house, and I thought we'd stop by and say hi.
Dr.
Weston, you should be very proud of your daughter.
She has a real knack for sales.
Oh, so my Barbara's doing very nicely, huh? Oh, fabulous.
If this first week is any indication, she'll be doubling her salary in no time.
If you'll excuse me.
Well, it was very nice meeting you, Dr.
Weston.
And I'll see you tomorrow at the open house.
Oh, and, Barbara, what's the best sign you're doing well? A sold sign.
Good, good, good.
Honey, this job sounds like a dream.
Oh, daddy, I don't know.
Something doesn't feel right about it.
Well, come on, I mean, you know, it's a new job.
There's always that period of adjustment.
I mean, do you think that, like, Donald trump liked real estate right off the bat? No, it took him a couple of days too.
There was a tower here, a Plaza there.
No, I don't think it's that.
When I joined the force, I loved it honey, but, honey, no, see, you're not thinking this thing through.
I mean, this real estate job offers you so much.
And there's gonna be some real money.
You can pay off your debts.
You can take those skiing trips you love, and, I mean, you can buy clothes anytime you want.
Yeah, that does sound good.
Besides, look how it's eating up Carol.
Oh, you.
"Oh, you"? That's what I get is "oh, you"? As I recall, it's "oh, you" who signs your checks every week.
Oh, yeah.
That's better.
Oh, Laverne, Laverne, Laverne.
I've got to talk to you about something before we get started here today.
It's about Barbara and her new job.
I don't think she's really very happy there, and when she tried to talk to me about it, I kind of cut her off and steered her in a different direction.
I see.
I mean, is there anything wrong with not wanting to see your daughter shot? No.
I don't think so.
Okay, maybe I did push a little hard on the real estate job, but it's only because I have her best interests at heart, so the worst I'm guilty of is wanting the best for her.
Nothing wrong with that.
So I did do the right thing, right? I did.
I definitely did do the right thing.
Thanks, Laverne, I really appreciated having this little talk.
You know, this reminds me of the time back home when old tater Norton gave up his job at the dairy to make a living as a one-man band.
He bought himself a big bass drum, a tuba, a washboard, a couple of cymbals, and a real fancy synthesizer.
Now what he neglected to take into account is he couldn't learn to play these instruments simply by eatin' sheet music.
Laverne, what has this got to do with anything? Nothing.
But as long as both of us are running off at the mouth, I figured at least one of us ought to be entertainin'.
Charley dietz, room one.
Okay, Charley.
So how'd it go with your lady last night? That's pretty clear.
It's my own fault, Harry.
I should never have broke my rule for this girl.
What rule? My "never see a woman more than twice" rule.
Haven't you ever noticed that about me? I just always assumed it was their choice.
Nope.
It's my rule, I broke it, and somehow I broke myself in the process.
Wait a minute, Charley.
Let's rewind here for a second.
Now if this is the only woman you've ever seen more than twice, maybe that is somehow related to your sexual problem.
What do you mean? I mean that maybe your impotence comes from your fear of commitment, that maybe seeing a woman more than twice is somehow frightening to you, and the form it takes is this.
What? The pssss.
Oh.
Oh.
I'm with you.
Oh, sure.
I know exactly what to do.
From now on, it's just one-night stands.
Thanks, Harry.
No, Charley, that is not what I'm saying.
Hey, Laverne, I'm cured.
Don't go provin' it to me.
Right, three bedrooms and a view of the harbor.
Well, think about it and let me know.
Okay, bye.
Oh, I am No, I can't Um, forget it.
Forget it.
It's my father.
Daddy, what are you doing here? Well, I was having lunch in the neighborhood.
I thought I'd drop over and see where it all happens.
Hi, Dr.
Weston! Your daughter just moved up another notch on the sales board.
She replaced Andy.
Ooh, I love this.
Barbara Weston, number two.
Another week, this Kevin's gonna be sulking like Andy over there.
Daddy, I wish you wouldn't make such a big deal out of this.
It's not like selling houses is that important.
Honey, you're not just selling houses.
You're selling homes.
Think how important our home is to us.
Hi, hi, hi! Brand-new listening in bal harbor.
Spanish-style, three bedrooms, lots of amenities.
Alarm system built in.
Alarm system? Is it armed response? I don't know.
I didn't ask.
Well, that's a much better selling point if the alarm is wired directly to the police instead of a private security firm.
I mean, if a perpetrator were on my property, I'd want a Miami blue there, not some weekend rent-a-cop.
There's also berber carpeting and it's very near a school.
Barbara, dear, I really think you should call.
Make an appointment.
Okay, I'll I'll go down later.
I wouldn't wait too long.
When word of this berber carpeting gets out, oh, there's going to be a free-for-all.
All right, honey, you got a lot of work to do.
I'll be heading back to the office.
No, no, daddy, before you go, I-I want to ask you something.
Sure.
Do you remember when you told me that it would take a while for me to adjust to this job and that I would grow to like it? Are you sure? Honey Trust me.
Okay, daddy.
I know you'd never steer me wrong.
Yeah.
Barbara.
Oh, honey, i something's been eating away at me all day, and there's, uh I just have to say this to you.
What? Barbara, I think you, uh Should go back to the police force.
You? You're saying this? Daddy, what are you talking about? Baby, you cannot stay in that real estate job.
Why not? Because it doesn't matter to you.
Daddy, I had a job that mattered to me, and it tore me apart.
That's because you care! Now, this real estate job will never hurt you, but it also will never, ever fulfill you.
Listen to me.
The reason you left the police force is precisely the reason you have to go back.
You're right.
It is where I belong.
Oh, I told you you'd never steer me wrong.
That's my girl.
All right, sit down.
Go call your lieutenant, and before you know it, you'll be back on the street in your hooker outfit, bullets whizzing past your head.
What the hell have I done? I bet you if we wouldn't have had this conversation, I probably would have stayed at that real estate job forever.
Thanks, daddy.
Well That's what I'm here for.
Stupid.