Futurama s02e13 Episode Script

Bicyclops Built for Two Good news, everyone! Several years ago, I tried to log on|to AOL, and it just went through! We're online! Go ahead, get into these Net Suits.
|I designed and tested them myself.
It smells like burning monkey.
Oh? I guess when you're around it all|day, you stop noticing.
Off you go! Behold! The Internet!! My God! It's full of ads! Follow me! It's immense! It's got every piece of information|one could ever want.
So I see! What's going on here? - That's me!|- No, it isn't! I just took some pictures of your face|and put them on someone else's body.
Are you over 18? I'm telling you, they've got a chat|room for everybody.
Here it is! That is so gross! Yeah.
I'll stick with this one.
Hi.
I'm a naughty nurse,|and I really need someone to talk to.
$9.
95 a minute.
You're a dollar naughtier than most.
How about them Knicks? Hello? Any girls in this room at all? Yeah, bring on the hot chicks|because I'm a hot stud! - So are we!|- I'm a woman, if that's what you mean.
I don't play games,|so I'll say I'm a Cyclops a space captain,|the only one of my species and I want to meet a man.
A woman? I'm scared! Thanks to the Internet,|I'm bored with sex.
Any website to satisfy|my lust for violence? Is the space pope reptilian? Get ready for fun, Fry.
Nowadays, we have a game|played entirely on video.
We call it a video game.
Video game, you say? Well, golly gee! You mighty spacemen of the future|will have to show me how it works.
The doctor is in! The doctor is out.
Please sign off.
We have a delivery.
|Plus, I have to use the phone Leela, please tell the others that Who are you? Saw you in the chat room,|but I couldn't talk to you.
After all these years of searching|for another Cyclops.
I've dreamed of this moment|all my life! Do you think, perhaps, you and I? Idiot! Ever since I was abandoned|on Earth l've been searching|for my people, my planet.
I meet another Cyclops,|and you blast him! That was my one chance|to learn who I am! Oh, I feel terrible.
|If there's anything I can ever do Gotcha! I won! I'm the greatest! Come on, we have work to do! Are you still mad at me for wrecking|your only chance to learn the meaning|of your life? I'm just happy you won a game.
Now let's get this desperately needed|popcorn to the people of Cineplex 14.
Leela, you've got mail! It's not spam! - It's him!|- To Leela.
Subject: I am Alcazar.
I got your screen name before|being shot by that moron.
Kicked your ass.
We have to talk.
Come join me on the planet|of your birth.
Coordinates folloW.
Too bad we gotta make|that urgent popcorn delivery.
It'll get there.
After a lifetime of searching,|I may have found where I belong.
Too bad it's a dump.
Look, that statue's only got|one eye! - Lazy sculptor.
|- Welcome home, Leela.
Alcazar? Are you real, or am I seeing single? Of course I am.
After all this time,|somebody else with one eye who isn't a clumsy carpenter|or a kid with a BB gun.
It's all right.
|You'll never be alone again.
Come, let me introduce you|to yourself.
- Do you mind if your servants walk?|- Not at all.
We are the last Cyclopses.
|Our planet is Cyclopia.
The capital, Cyclops City.
|Am I going too fast? So much information.
Yet, somehow|I feel as if I know it already.
This sacred mosaic depicts|our goddess of beauty.
Any artwork of her from the back? You have the same eye.
Had our race survived, you'd be a|temple priestess, or a supermodel.
Oh, please.
Really? The pirate Purple-Beard,|scourge of the Six Seas.
What's that? The Forbidden Valley,|where no one may tread.
Is that like a cemetery?|Because I have to pee.
Fry, that's offensive to our people!|Isn't it? This is my home.
I hope you'll pardon me for living|in a giant castle.
Of course.
|If anything, I'm more impressed I'm gonna need to make some room! Here I dream lonely dreams|and cook simple meals.
It's all so sad.
|What happened to our people? It's too painful to speak of now.
|I'll show you your rooms.
I heard you from my room.
|What's wrong? Nothing.
It's just I don't want tears|in your perfect eye.
Is it about the fate of our people?|Because I'm very interested in that.
Okay.
But it's chilly.
|You'll be all wet with tears.
Let's go into my chamber.
It Wasn't long ago our people|Were happy and prosperous.
But the eyeless Mole People|greWjealous of our visual proWess.
They fired missiles in all directions,|hoping to hit Cyclopia.
Unfortunately,|one of the 40 planets hit Was ours.
- How far away, do you think?|- A trillion miles? Things got hot.
You look a little hot,|actually.
Take off that jacket.
Our people don't like heat.
|Just before the impact our smartest scientists|saved one baby.
Alcazar, I used to be a baby.
|It might have been me! Fortunately, I Was a pool cleaner.
And When I emerged from retrieving a|dead possum, I Was the only one left.
It's so tragic.
Yes.
But the real tragedy|is that our race ends with us.
- It doesn't have to.
|- You mean? You're a male, and I'm a female.
I'm still not following you.
Wake up, my king.
Jeez, what a night.
|Make me some coffee, would you? - Sure.
What else with that?|- Pancakes and sausage.
Kitchen's in the basement.
After breakfast, we can talk|about rebuilding our civilization.
Great pancakes.
Yeah, they'll come in handy|if I need to cover any tiny manholes.
We don't want to look like slobs|in front of the others.
Do these dishes, and organize my|collection of naked celebrity photos.
- Look, Alcazar|- Call me Al.
I know you were living alone|for a long time.
I can sympathize.
But I'm not a maid.
You're right.
I'm sorry.
|I guess it won't work.
So much for the Cyclops race.
Okay, okay.
I'll do the dishes.
Hey, where'd they go? Leela's experiencing a woman's greatest|joy, worshiping a lowlife jerk.
He may be a lowlife jerk,|but I don't trust him.
He's hiding something,|I'll find out what.
Try and stop me! Al? I did my hair the way you wanted it.
- Who are these people?|- Friends.
Where'd you get this couch,|and that TV set, all this stuff? They were giving it away on the|corner.
Just like you, Leela.
Too bad they weren't giving away|what you need: Mouthwash, a back wax|and stain-proof underwear.
You go, girl! Fry's in the dungeon.
Feed him so he|doesn't die and stink up the place.
Can't you let the little guy out? Jeez, Leela! Twice in one day?|I'm not Superman! Why did you go|to the Forbidden Valley? Because Alcazar's hiding something.
You may not like it, believe it|or want to hear it.
Alcazar's a jerk.
He's bad for you.
- I know.
|- You do? If it's obvious to you, with your|learning disability, of course I knew! He's gross and treats me like a slave.
Dump his one-eyed ass! I can't.
If I leave him,|that's the end of the Cyclops race.
I won't let that happen, even if it|means a lifetime of unhappiness.
Leela? Mop-up in aisle number two! - I'll break up with him at dinner.
|- I'll be there.
Leela! Pig says your slop|tastes like crap! Yeah.
Like crap.
You deserve better than this guy.
|Dump him already.
I'm trying.
Hey, everyone,|jam a sock in your spit faucets.
I used to spend nights renting|slasher flicks with Rat and his girl.
Then a beautiful woman arrived|Stop eating! She brought new hope for me|and our civilization.
A million centuries of Cyclops destiny|depend on the answer to one question: Leela, will you marry me? No! No! Yes! I will! They're getting married.
- Congratulations, Leela!|- This is great! - Glad you could come.
|- A magical day! Welcome! Get me out of here!|It's horrible eating scraps dropping my waste everywhere,|like an animal.
- Animals go in the corner.
|- Why didn't I think of that? I'd like to help you, but it's my|wedding and I'm kind of busy.
Here, try to be happy for me.
|At least one of us will be.
That's it!|It's time for this bird to walk.
We've gotta get some dirt on Alcazar! Let's see why it's called|Forbidden Valley! No, thanks, I'm good.
You can steal some forbidden stuff.
I don't know.
For the first time in my|life, I feel like I've stolen enough.
Bender, snap out of it! Sorry, I don't know what came over me.
|Let's go! I love stealing|I love taking things That pig over there is wearing|the same sandals as me.
Come on, boy.
Jump! Good boy! Whoa, Mittens.
My God! Four identical castles! Each more identical than the last! Weird.
It's another Cyclops,|only this one has five eyes.
And here's another one with no eyes.
Does anyone have a reason|why this couple shall not be joined in the|irrevocable shackles of holy bliss? Saving a race of one-eyed monsters?|Who could object to that? Cut to it, preach.
Do you take this woman|in sickness love do part? I do.
Faster! Do you, Leela, copy and paste his|response, till death do you part? I Oh, my God! Hey, Alcazar? You left somebody|off the guest list.
Why you are so late for our wedding?|And why you have only one eye? Hey, sweetie.
Just go back to the|castle and wait for me.
I can morph into a five-eyed alien,|and I kind of said I'd marry her.
But I'm really a Cyclops,|and I'm really going to marry you.
Oh, yeah? Then what about this? - This is a bit awkward.
|- Who's she? - Who are they?|- Go back to the castle.
And maybe you'd like to meet her?|And her? Leela, this must all be|very confusing.
A little.
That's why I've decided|to hurt you until you explain it.
- Show us your real form!|- Yeah! Do it! Well, this is the real me.
|But I can explain.
We all have needs.
I needed five weirdos to scrub|my five castles.
I gave you what you wanted|and made money letting Pig watch|through a two-way mirror.
Can any of you say you wouldn't|have done the exact same thing? He's a saint! But why all five weddings|on the same day? You know the price to rent|a tux that changes shape? - I just have one last question.
|- What? If you can change form, why not change|it in the one place that counts? - Thanks for saving me from that creep.
|- Hey, that's what I do.
I was so desperate to find out who I|really was, I forgot who I really was.
No harm done.
In the decades|you'll work to repay me for that popcorn you destroyed you'll have plenty of time|to search for your true home.
I mean, how many planets can there be?