Future Man (2017) s02e13 Episode Script
Ultra-Max
1 [electricity crackling.]
Previously, on "Future Man" When we use the TTD, we jump in time but not space.
If we jump back, we'd still be in the same exact place, just 11 seconds earlier.
Running and jumping, running and jumping, running and jumping, extending our window - for as much time as we need.
- TIGER: What's gonna happen - to all of them? - WOLF: Who cares? - They're not us! - Down on the ground.
You're under arrest for violating statute HX-B34 of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
[dramatic music.]
[thunder crashing.]
[foreboding music.]
[thunder crashes.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[dramatic music.]
[buzzer sounds.]
Hello, Josh.
I'm Susan.
I know in your time it's a woman's name.
In ours, it's not.
- It's for both.
- Okay.
Uh, hello, Susan.
Are you my lawyer, or Think you'll find a lot has changed in the 1,497 years since you were born.
[ambient music.]
Whoa.
So it's 3674 You should have stayed in school.
If you had, probably wouldn't be staring death in the face at Ultra-Max.
"Ultra-Max"? - That sounds pretty bad.
- It is bad.
It's the worst.
Your crimes against humanity are some of the worst on records.
I don't even know where to start.
Biggest to smallest, smallest to biggest.
Sizes that we don't even know yet because they are unquantifiable.
You have put the greatest legal minds of our time in a real pickle, and I know how much you like those.
But everything that we did was for "For a good cause"? Is that what you were going to say? [orb chirps.]
Not gonna bother asking you what this is because I'm 100% sure that you don't know.
- The Horsehead Nebula.
- Oh.
I was gonna say the Crab Nebula.
Your little time-traveling caper, repeating the same 11 seconds over and over and over again? It ripped a hole in the space-time continuum right here.
This was Grazier's Triangle, which you destroyed along with the 27 planets that were inhabited by intelligent life in its vicinity.
We killed a bunch of ETs? You killed 85 trillion ETs.
Many of whom looked like ET.
- Whoops.
- We're not alone - in the universe? - We weren't.
Now we are again.
There's not even a word for that kind of murder.
And that's charge one.
Meet your family, Josh.
Every duplicate version of you, they didn't just conveniently die Many of them escaped into time, where they proceeded to wreak havoc, setting off the greatest menhunts of all times.
What, women weren't hunted in this fucked-up future? Oh, they are, with shocking brutality.
- Thank you.
- Case in point: William Wolfson, Third Governor of New York.
Fun fact: he killed John Jay in a duel.
Jay must have been spoiling for a fight.
You slept with five of his six beloved children.
- He slept with children? - They were adult children.
Well, that sixth child of John Jay must have been - a real dog.
- We were on a mission to to save the world.
Most of these previous you's felt the same way, and they continued to go back in time to right previous wrongs, almost always ending in the destruction of humanity.
This version of you tried to stop bin Laden before 9/11.
He ended up giving him a time machine.
Wh I would never do that.
You did that, and now time-traveling bin Laden is on you.
He's knocking down towers haven't even been built yet, so you can imagine that's a headache for us around here.
- [sighs.]
- And now, let me tell you about the Topanga Triumverate.
These you's jumped way, way, way, way, way too far back, got stuck in the wall of a cave, died, was found by archeologists and disproved the entire theory of evolution.
Am I boring you? I'm just noticing that this glass is reinforced with carbon-fusion electro-sealant, so it's just it's not how I'm gonna be escaping.
Oh, you won't be escaping at all.
- Nothing leaks from Ultra-Max.
- Sure, sure.
Next time you're in this cell I won't be.
Did any of the us's do any good? Yeah, they did good in their timelines.
But they were also creating other timelines.
That's what you don't seem to get.
Every time you went back to fix something, you were creating another timeline.
Wait, what what's that, now? - No.
- Yes.
All these timelines, all these different realities, your fault.
And in that reality the things that we change change there, but then when we left it just stays the same - Forever.
- Forever-ever? Forever-ever-ever.
So Achilles died in that bunker even though we took down Stu.
Yes, horribly.
And the Biotics wiped out the rest of humanity even though we killed Kronish? You've never changed anything.
All the you's running around thinking they're fixing things, they're just creating new things.
You can kill Hitler, but there will still be a Hitler, because there was a Hitler.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
- So I killed Hitler? - No.
Shockingly, that is one of the few things you never even tried to do.
All Hitlers in your realities were left unscathed.
Four of them thrived and won the war.
There's evidence to suggest you helped Hitler's rise.
So deal with that.
- Yes.
- Who is Hitler, again? Hitler is just a convenient shorthand.
This is your case file coded to your thumbprint.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Here's the bottom line: The three of you are responsible for all the time-crimes all the other you's committed, and the punishment for time-crimes, my friend, is death.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
[electronic whirring.]
[eerie music.]
Look, Susan, this is bullshit, okay? There there is no way that I am responsible for what those psychopaths did.
That's not me.
I'm me.
Bullshit? Try settled law.
Robespierre versus Robespierre, They found in favor of Robespierre, overturning the lower court's decision for Robespierre.
Did you not even read your cube? The neural interface gave me nosebleeds.
Look, still still, I cannot be punished for their crimes.
There might be another way for you.
You see, some of you may be higher-value targets than others.
[foreboding music.]
If you're willing to cooperate you might just be able to speedboat off Damnation Island with your life.
And maybe even a fresh start.
All right, I'll be back in a bit.
In the meantime, you got your "smork" on backwards, kid.
[laughs.]
[door chirps.]
Would you be surprised to know that is who we're really after? Are you surprised that I'm still here? Because I am.
I notice a distinct lack of oversized laundry carts.
Bravo.
There's a very easy way out of here.
Through the front door, onto the red carpet, onto the speedboat, to the holo-port with a very handsome parting gift.
All you have to do is tell me all of this is Futturman's fault.
- Why? - No one in human history has caused more suffering than Josh.
Not Caligula, not Stalin, not Stu.
Not Xarxon 9, the Destroyer of Men, and all he did was destroy men.
Morning, noon and night, just destroying them up.
Josh is worse.
I mean, just look at him.
Monsters take many shapes.
As much as I would like to live and believe me, Susan, I I'd like to live but he's our mistake.
He's also a grown man.
Technically.
Just think about it.
Tell the world the truth about Josh, and you get to go free.
Him dying so you can live? It has a tender mercy to it.
After all, he's responsible for all of this, and And he is beyond redemption.
[tense music.]
You are not beyond redemption, Josh.
And I know the truth.
They're responsible for all of this.
You know what, Susan, I know what you're trying to do, and I am not rolling over on my friends.
"Friends.
" They've done nothing but use and abuse you.
On a good day they barely tolerate you.
That that's just our dynamic, okay? - It's fun.
- For them.
They get and I mean no disrespect by this a hapless, boob, bitch-ass punk as their whipping boy.
How is that not disrespectful? It is, but I qualified it in an attempt to protect you, which is more than I can say about them.
[tense music.]
[electronic beeping, whirring.]
Yeah, okay.
Pretty pretty clever.
I see what you're doing.
Classic divide-and-conquer.
Well, I'll tell you something, okay? Our bond was forged in the fires of combat, which is something that you and your future race with your weird suits and tufts of colorful hair could never, never understand.
Here's what I understand: they're the ones with the time machine.
They came from the future and they dragged you along, ripping you from the comfort of your masturbation chamber.
You shouldn't die for them.
You wanna hear what they're saying? Because I do.
[electronic chirp.]
We're the ones who put that savior shit in his head.
Let him tag along even though I still do not know what that guy's skill set is.
Yeah, sure, we shoulder some blame for making him think he was of any use at any time.
Come on.
I mean, the little guy has got to take responsibility for his own actions at some point.
God, that boy had some ideas.
Oh, the whole "Time Warrior" thing? Are you kidding me? Act like you've been there before, right? If we're guilty of anything it's for being too nice.
Well, I told you we should have shot him after he got us into that lab.
Ouch.
That hurts.
Could they be talking about anybody? [electronic whirring.]
Hi, Wolf.
Still mulling over the big decision? No idea which way you're leaning? [electronic whirring, chirp.]
Nano-technology.
Also Gurkha Black Dragons.
Wrapper's Connecticut Broad Leaf Maduro.
But you know that.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah.
Binder's Cameroonian, filler's [sniffs.]
Five-year-aged Dominican.
My buddy Sly smoked one of these in the movie "F.
I.
S.
T.
" F-I-S-T.
- Federation of Inter-State - BOTH: Truckers.
Right.
It was a classic film.
- Great.
- Anyway, they cut the scene because they felt it was gratuitous.
Went on too long, sapping energy from the plot when, uh, they should have been [sniffs, sighs.]
Building the uh, tension.
Sounds like a good cut.
[electronic whirring.]
Okay, your parlor tricks and your bribes are not gonna oh, that is Sweet Mama Jessup.
Sweet Mama J.
It's not all I have, Tiger.
[curious music.]
Inside this envelope is the story of a girl.
A girl born to Biotic parents, stolen from them at an impossibly young age.
[record scratches.]
Sorry, this is a Phonola.
I am used to a Philco.
I didn't hear anything you said.
5,500 square feet, raw restaurant space.
Collins Avenue, Miami, And to make sure you get started on the right foot: This.
And this is not that weak shit you were butt-darting in Los Angeles.
This is that good shit.
That Colombian shit that doesn't leave South Beach.
And I got one more thing I think you might be interested in.
- This handsome fellow.
- Oh Pulled off a dead Josh from the Epsilon line.
Fully functional.
Just begging to be reattached.
In our time, penile enhancements take eight minutes and are quite pleasurable.
Trust me, I've had three.
Go ahead.
[tender music.]
[sharp exhale.]
Girthier than you remember, right? Oh, it feels just right.
Weighs 19 1/2 pounds.
I know.
Oh, hello, old friend.
You two look very beautiful together.
No, no, no, I can't.
I can't.
Every time I whipped it out I'd be whipping out the memory of a friend I betrayed.
All right.
I'll leave you two to think about it.
[sighs.]
[foreboding music.]
[case closes.]
[electronic whirring.]
[electronic whirring.]
[suspenseful music.]
[sighs.]
Look, Susan I've, uh, given your offer some thought Too late.
Offer's off the table.
Okay.
Well, that's fine, because I was actually gonna say that there was no way you can get me to turn on my friends.
Yep.
I suspected that might be the case.
Your loyalty is impressive, Josh Thank you.
But it's about to be put to the ultimate test.
What? By by who? What what are you talking about? Is there a judge? Is there a jury? Like, what the what the fuck is going on? Josh, your barbaric legal system, it's been replaced by something far more elegant.
This is skin-eating poison.
"Death Rain.
" One spray kills on contact and you, Josh, are going to use it on Tiger or Wolf.
Uh, no I'm not.
No way.
No.
[scoffs.]
Well, that's the best offer we have to give you.
Otherwise, all three of you die.
And that's more elegant? Elegant just means "simple.
" It doesn't mean "fancy.
" People think it means "fancy" it doesn't.
It just means "simple.
" Still wouldn't call that elegant, but I guess there is some kind of cruel justice to it.
No, no.
It's not cruel, Josh.
It's a gift.
All three of you are facing the death penalty.
But this way, two of you get to live.
This all seems very random.
Tonight, you will have your final meal together.
When the last course arrives a traditional dessert salad the dressing will be in these.
Yours will have Death Rain.
One minute after the course arrives the lights will go out, giving you the opportunity to anonymously kill one of your dear, dear friends.
That's future justice? Choose which friend to kill? That's one way of looking at it.
Another you choose which friend to save.
I know it's a tough choice.
Just know that if they were given this same offer which they definitely were not but if they were, they would kill you without hesitation.
So there it is.
All three of you die, or you save yourself and one of them.
That's the best deal you're gonna get [dramatic musical flourish.]
from Ultra-Max.
I know you're the leader of the group, bound by honor and integrity.
The Tigers across all the timelines have been a force of good.
Many have even helped us.
Well, those other me's, they're using you.
You just don't know it yet.
[long inhale.]
Think of Josh.
Sick with delusions of grandeur.
Or maybe you pity him.
Fine.
Kill Wolf.
He's a prisoner of his own appetites.
Sashaying selfishly through life with wanton disregard for anyone or anything that doesn't please him.
Has he ever not abandoned you? From where I'm standing, the hardest choice: Deciding who not to kill.
And that's why only you can carry this out.
Trained soldier, a survivor who sashays effortlessly through life no matter what it throws at him.
You're no mission commander.
You're not the Chosen One.
You follow orders, and you make lemonade.
You don't deserve to die for that.
I am still in my prime.
You're the only one I'm making this offer to, Wolf, because you're the only one I truly believe is innocent.
Thank you, Susan.
Call me Sue.
[soft laugh.]
Sue.
Oh, what a day - Mm.
- Mm.
Gotta tell you guys, I sure am gonna miss Texas barbecue.
This abalone tastes like it was caught tomorrow.
[laughs.]
Mine's, uh mine's cat.
Pass the salt.
Thank you, Tiger.
I like a little extra seasoning on my food.
You probably didn't know that because we don't know each other that well.
Unlike me and Tiger.
We've known each other our whole lives.
Thick and thin.
Yeah, I don't really know you that well, which, to me, makes it even weirder that you're always such a dick to me.
What I can't figure out is which one of you is meaner.
Oh, well, that's that's easy.
I mean, Wolf says mean things, but I have an anger toward you that is almost primal.
True.
However, when I was about to die in James Cameron's lab, you did go rathole-to-rathole for me.
Okay, well, there goes my appetite, so anybody want my kitty cubes? Tiger, do you remember the time you weren't there we jumped out of Count Bowncelizar's Trampolarium and, uh, did not think that net was gonna hold? Do you remember that? But it did.
It did.
It held.
Just like our bond.
But then again, Wolf, you did save me from the Smash Pit, and, uh, from being burned alive.
Um, yeah, the again from, uh from Stu's kill-mandos, so Wow.
That's way more than you've done for me lately.
Well, luckily for us "lately" is just a blip in a life-long blood bond.
Mm.
Sometimes, though, it's the, uh the people closest to you that disappoint you the most.
[tense music.]
A toast.
Yes.
To life.
And death, which is inevitable, and sometimes comes sooner than expected.
And sometimes it comes randomly, like someone flipped a coin because they couldn't couldn't decide.
But when it does come, sometimes it's well, it's for the best.
To our inevitable fate - however - Whenever.
- By the hand of whomever.
- It may come.
Uh-huh.
[sighs.]
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Yum.
Salad dessert.
It's dessert salad.
You know, I always thought this is how it would end.
Time jail, cube salad, a man named Susan.
I mean, I want to blame this on the universe, but I think this one's on us.
[rising tense music.]
- [spritzing.]
- WOLF: So long, face! JOSH: [hollering.]
It burns! WOLF: Tastes like raspberry vinaigrette.
[spritzing.]
[hopeful music.]
[slow clapping.]
Wow.
That gave me goosebumps.
That was amazing television, and you three are going to make fantastic competitors on the centennial season of "The DieCathalon.
" [crowd cheering.]
Meet your three contestants: Tiger, the commander, Wolf, the survivor, Josh, the lamb.
Did he just call me "the lamb"? What why am I a lamb? They'll be running for their lives and killed for sport on New Pangea's favorite human-hunting reality competition.
I hate the future.
Sponsored by Ultra-Max.
Ultra-Max: The bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.
Back after this.
[The Sweet's "Fox on the Run" playing.]
I don't want to know your name 'Cause you don't look the same The way you did before Fox on the run You scream and everybody comes a-running Take a run and hide yourself away Foxy on the run F-foxy Fox on the run and hideaway
Previously, on "Future Man" When we use the TTD, we jump in time but not space.
If we jump back, we'd still be in the same exact place, just 11 seconds earlier.
Running and jumping, running and jumping, running and jumping, extending our window - for as much time as we need.
- TIGER: What's gonna happen - to all of them? - WOLF: Who cares? - They're not us! - Down on the ground.
You're under arrest for violating statute HX-B34 of the Santa Clarita County Time Code.
[dramatic music.]
[thunder crashing.]
[foreboding music.]
[thunder crashes.]
[no audible dialogue.]
[dramatic music.]
[buzzer sounds.]
Hello, Josh.
I'm Susan.
I know in your time it's a woman's name.
In ours, it's not.
- It's for both.
- Okay.
Uh, hello, Susan.
Are you my lawyer, or Think you'll find a lot has changed in the 1,497 years since you were born.
[ambient music.]
Whoa.
So it's 3674 You should have stayed in school.
If you had, probably wouldn't be staring death in the face at Ultra-Max.
"Ultra-Max"? - That sounds pretty bad.
- It is bad.
It's the worst.
Your crimes against humanity are some of the worst on records.
I don't even know where to start.
Biggest to smallest, smallest to biggest.
Sizes that we don't even know yet because they are unquantifiable.
You have put the greatest legal minds of our time in a real pickle, and I know how much you like those.
But everything that we did was for "For a good cause"? Is that what you were going to say? [orb chirps.]
Not gonna bother asking you what this is because I'm 100% sure that you don't know.
- The Horsehead Nebula.
- Oh.
I was gonna say the Crab Nebula.
Your little time-traveling caper, repeating the same 11 seconds over and over and over again? It ripped a hole in the space-time continuum right here.
This was Grazier's Triangle, which you destroyed along with the 27 planets that were inhabited by intelligent life in its vicinity.
We killed a bunch of ETs? You killed 85 trillion ETs.
Many of whom looked like ET.
- Whoops.
- We're not alone - in the universe? - We weren't.
Now we are again.
There's not even a word for that kind of murder.
And that's charge one.
Meet your family, Josh.
Every duplicate version of you, they didn't just conveniently die Many of them escaped into time, where they proceeded to wreak havoc, setting off the greatest menhunts of all times.
What, women weren't hunted in this fucked-up future? Oh, they are, with shocking brutality.
- Thank you.
- Case in point: William Wolfson, Third Governor of New York.
Fun fact: he killed John Jay in a duel.
Jay must have been spoiling for a fight.
You slept with five of his six beloved children.
- He slept with children? - They were adult children.
Well, that sixth child of John Jay must have been - a real dog.
- We were on a mission to to save the world.
Most of these previous you's felt the same way, and they continued to go back in time to right previous wrongs, almost always ending in the destruction of humanity.
This version of you tried to stop bin Laden before 9/11.
He ended up giving him a time machine.
Wh I would never do that.
You did that, and now time-traveling bin Laden is on you.
He's knocking down towers haven't even been built yet, so you can imagine that's a headache for us around here.
- [sighs.]
- And now, let me tell you about the Topanga Triumverate.
These you's jumped way, way, way, way, way too far back, got stuck in the wall of a cave, died, was found by archeologists and disproved the entire theory of evolution.
Am I boring you? I'm just noticing that this glass is reinforced with carbon-fusion electro-sealant, so it's just it's not how I'm gonna be escaping.
Oh, you won't be escaping at all.
- Nothing leaks from Ultra-Max.
- Sure, sure.
Next time you're in this cell I won't be.
Did any of the us's do any good? Yeah, they did good in their timelines.
But they were also creating other timelines.
That's what you don't seem to get.
Every time you went back to fix something, you were creating another timeline.
Wait, what what's that, now? - No.
- Yes.
All these timelines, all these different realities, your fault.
And in that reality the things that we change change there, but then when we left it just stays the same - Forever.
- Forever-ever? Forever-ever-ever.
So Achilles died in that bunker even though we took down Stu.
Yes, horribly.
And the Biotics wiped out the rest of humanity even though we killed Kronish? You've never changed anything.
All the you's running around thinking they're fixing things, they're just creating new things.
You can kill Hitler, but there will still be a Hitler, because there was a Hitler.
Do you understand what I'm saying? Yeah.
- So I killed Hitler? - No.
Shockingly, that is one of the few things you never even tried to do.
All Hitlers in your realities were left unscathed.
Four of them thrived and won the war.
There's evidence to suggest you helped Hitler's rise.
So deal with that.
- Yes.
- Who is Hitler, again? Hitler is just a convenient shorthand.
This is your case file coded to your thumbprint.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Here's the bottom line: The three of you are responsible for all the time-crimes all the other you's committed, and the punishment for time-crimes, my friend, is death.
[dramatic musical flourish.]
[electronic whirring.]
[eerie music.]
Look, Susan, this is bullshit, okay? There there is no way that I am responsible for what those psychopaths did.
That's not me.
I'm me.
Bullshit? Try settled law.
Robespierre versus Robespierre, They found in favor of Robespierre, overturning the lower court's decision for Robespierre.
Did you not even read your cube? The neural interface gave me nosebleeds.
Look, still still, I cannot be punished for their crimes.
There might be another way for you.
You see, some of you may be higher-value targets than others.
[foreboding music.]
If you're willing to cooperate you might just be able to speedboat off Damnation Island with your life.
And maybe even a fresh start.
All right, I'll be back in a bit.
In the meantime, you got your "smork" on backwards, kid.
[laughs.]
[door chirps.]
Would you be surprised to know that is who we're really after? Are you surprised that I'm still here? Because I am.
I notice a distinct lack of oversized laundry carts.
Bravo.
There's a very easy way out of here.
Through the front door, onto the red carpet, onto the speedboat, to the holo-port with a very handsome parting gift.
All you have to do is tell me all of this is Futturman's fault.
- Why? - No one in human history has caused more suffering than Josh.
Not Caligula, not Stalin, not Stu.
Not Xarxon 9, the Destroyer of Men, and all he did was destroy men.
Morning, noon and night, just destroying them up.
Josh is worse.
I mean, just look at him.
Monsters take many shapes.
As much as I would like to live and believe me, Susan, I I'd like to live but he's our mistake.
He's also a grown man.
Technically.
Just think about it.
Tell the world the truth about Josh, and you get to go free.
Him dying so you can live? It has a tender mercy to it.
After all, he's responsible for all of this, and And he is beyond redemption.
[tense music.]
You are not beyond redemption, Josh.
And I know the truth.
They're responsible for all of this.
You know what, Susan, I know what you're trying to do, and I am not rolling over on my friends.
"Friends.
" They've done nothing but use and abuse you.
On a good day they barely tolerate you.
That that's just our dynamic, okay? - It's fun.
- For them.
They get and I mean no disrespect by this a hapless, boob, bitch-ass punk as their whipping boy.
How is that not disrespectful? It is, but I qualified it in an attempt to protect you, which is more than I can say about them.
[tense music.]
[electronic beeping, whirring.]
Yeah, okay.
Pretty pretty clever.
I see what you're doing.
Classic divide-and-conquer.
Well, I'll tell you something, okay? Our bond was forged in the fires of combat, which is something that you and your future race with your weird suits and tufts of colorful hair could never, never understand.
Here's what I understand: they're the ones with the time machine.
They came from the future and they dragged you along, ripping you from the comfort of your masturbation chamber.
You shouldn't die for them.
You wanna hear what they're saying? Because I do.
[electronic chirp.]
We're the ones who put that savior shit in his head.
Let him tag along even though I still do not know what that guy's skill set is.
Yeah, sure, we shoulder some blame for making him think he was of any use at any time.
Come on.
I mean, the little guy has got to take responsibility for his own actions at some point.
God, that boy had some ideas.
Oh, the whole "Time Warrior" thing? Are you kidding me? Act like you've been there before, right? If we're guilty of anything it's for being too nice.
Well, I told you we should have shot him after he got us into that lab.
Ouch.
That hurts.
Could they be talking about anybody? [electronic whirring.]
Hi, Wolf.
Still mulling over the big decision? No idea which way you're leaning? [electronic whirring, chirp.]
Nano-technology.
Also Gurkha Black Dragons.
Wrapper's Connecticut Broad Leaf Maduro.
But you know that.
Yeah, go ahead.
Yeah.
Binder's Cameroonian, filler's [sniffs.]
Five-year-aged Dominican.
My buddy Sly smoked one of these in the movie "F.
I.
S.
T.
" F-I-S-T.
- Federation of Inter-State - BOTH: Truckers.
Right.
It was a classic film.
- Great.
- Anyway, they cut the scene because they felt it was gratuitous.
Went on too long, sapping energy from the plot when, uh, they should have been [sniffs, sighs.]
Building the uh, tension.
Sounds like a good cut.
[electronic whirring.]
Okay, your parlor tricks and your bribes are not gonna oh, that is Sweet Mama Jessup.
Sweet Mama J.
It's not all I have, Tiger.
[curious music.]
Inside this envelope is the story of a girl.
A girl born to Biotic parents, stolen from them at an impossibly young age.
[record scratches.]
Sorry, this is a Phonola.
I am used to a Philco.
I didn't hear anything you said.
5,500 square feet, raw restaurant space.
Collins Avenue, Miami, And to make sure you get started on the right foot: This.
And this is not that weak shit you were butt-darting in Los Angeles.
This is that good shit.
That Colombian shit that doesn't leave South Beach.
And I got one more thing I think you might be interested in.
- This handsome fellow.
- Oh Pulled off a dead Josh from the Epsilon line.
Fully functional.
Just begging to be reattached.
In our time, penile enhancements take eight minutes and are quite pleasurable.
Trust me, I've had three.
Go ahead.
[tender music.]
[sharp exhale.]
Girthier than you remember, right? Oh, it feels just right.
Weighs 19 1/2 pounds.
I know.
Oh, hello, old friend.
You two look very beautiful together.
No, no, no, I can't.
I can't.
Every time I whipped it out I'd be whipping out the memory of a friend I betrayed.
All right.
I'll leave you two to think about it.
[sighs.]
[foreboding music.]
[case closes.]
[electronic whirring.]
[electronic whirring.]
[suspenseful music.]
[sighs.]
Look, Susan I've, uh, given your offer some thought Too late.
Offer's off the table.
Okay.
Well, that's fine, because I was actually gonna say that there was no way you can get me to turn on my friends.
Yep.
I suspected that might be the case.
Your loyalty is impressive, Josh Thank you.
But it's about to be put to the ultimate test.
What? By by who? What what are you talking about? Is there a judge? Is there a jury? Like, what the what the fuck is going on? Josh, your barbaric legal system, it's been replaced by something far more elegant.
This is skin-eating poison.
"Death Rain.
" One spray kills on contact and you, Josh, are going to use it on Tiger or Wolf.
Uh, no I'm not.
No way.
No.
[scoffs.]
Well, that's the best offer we have to give you.
Otherwise, all three of you die.
And that's more elegant? Elegant just means "simple.
" It doesn't mean "fancy.
" People think it means "fancy" it doesn't.
It just means "simple.
" Still wouldn't call that elegant, but I guess there is some kind of cruel justice to it.
No, no.
It's not cruel, Josh.
It's a gift.
All three of you are facing the death penalty.
But this way, two of you get to live.
This all seems very random.
Tonight, you will have your final meal together.
When the last course arrives a traditional dessert salad the dressing will be in these.
Yours will have Death Rain.
One minute after the course arrives the lights will go out, giving you the opportunity to anonymously kill one of your dear, dear friends.
That's future justice? Choose which friend to kill? That's one way of looking at it.
Another you choose which friend to save.
I know it's a tough choice.
Just know that if they were given this same offer which they definitely were not but if they were, they would kill you without hesitation.
So there it is.
All three of you die, or you save yourself and one of them.
That's the best deal you're gonna get [dramatic musical flourish.]
from Ultra-Max.
I know you're the leader of the group, bound by honor and integrity.
The Tigers across all the timelines have been a force of good.
Many have even helped us.
Well, those other me's, they're using you.
You just don't know it yet.
[long inhale.]
Think of Josh.
Sick with delusions of grandeur.
Or maybe you pity him.
Fine.
Kill Wolf.
He's a prisoner of his own appetites.
Sashaying selfishly through life with wanton disregard for anyone or anything that doesn't please him.
Has he ever not abandoned you? From where I'm standing, the hardest choice: Deciding who not to kill.
And that's why only you can carry this out.
Trained soldier, a survivor who sashays effortlessly through life no matter what it throws at him.
You're no mission commander.
You're not the Chosen One.
You follow orders, and you make lemonade.
You don't deserve to die for that.
I am still in my prime.
You're the only one I'm making this offer to, Wolf, because you're the only one I truly believe is innocent.
Thank you, Susan.
Call me Sue.
[soft laugh.]
Sue.
Oh, what a day - Mm.
- Mm.
Gotta tell you guys, I sure am gonna miss Texas barbecue.
This abalone tastes like it was caught tomorrow.
[laughs.]
Mine's, uh mine's cat.
Pass the salt.
Thank you, Tiger.
I like a little extra seasoning on my food.
You probably didn't know that because we don't know each other that well.
Unlike me and Tiger.
We've known each other our whole lives.
Thick and thin.
Yeah, I don't really know you that well, which, to me, makes it even weirder that you're always such a dick to me.
What I can't figure out is which one of you is meaner.
Oh, well, that's that's easy.
I mean, Wolf says mean things, but I have an anger toward you that is almost primal.
True.
However, when I was about to die in James Cameron's lab, you did go rathole-to-rathole for me.
Okay, well, there goes my appetite, so anybody want my kitty cubes? Tiger, do you remember the time you weren't there we jumped out of Count Bowncelizar's Trampolarium and, uh, did not think that net was gonna hold? Do you remember that? But it did.
It did.
It held.
Just like our bond.
But then again, Wolf, you did save me from the Smash Pit, and, uh, from being burned alive.
Um, yeah, the again from, uh from Stu's kill-mandos, so Wow.
That's way more than you've done for me lately.
Well, luckily for us "lately" is just a blip in a life-long blood bond.
Mm.
Sometimes, though, it's the, uh the people closest to you that disappoint you the most.
[tense music.]
A toast.
Yes.
To life.
And death, which is inevitable, and sometimes comes sooner than expected.
And sometimes it comes randomly, like someone flipped a coin because they couldn't couldn't decide.
But when it does come, sometimes it's well, it's for the best.
To our inevitable fate - however - Whenever.
- By the hand of whomever.
- It may come.
Uh-huh.
[sighs.]
[dramatic musical flourish.]
Yum.
Salad dessert.
It's dessert salad.
You know, I always thought this is how it would end.
Time jail, cube salad, a man named Susan.
I mean, I want to blame this on the universe, but I think this one's on us.
[rising tense music.]
- [spritzing.]
- WOLF: So long, face! JOSH: [hollering.]
It burns! WOLF: Tastes like raspberry vinaigrette.
[spritzing.]
[hopeful music.]
[slow clapping.]
Wow.
That gave me goosebumps.
That was amazing television, and you three are going to make fantastic competitors on the centennial season of "The DieCathalon.
" [crowd cheering.]
Meet your three contestants: Tiger, the commander, Wolf, the survivor, Josh, the lamb.
Did he just call me "the lamb"? What why am I a lamb? They'll be running for their lives and killed for sport on New Pangea's favorite human-hunting reality competition.
I hate the future.
Sponsored by Ultra-Max.
Ultra-Max: The bulk-free blood diaper you never have to remove.
Back after this.
[The Sweet's "Fox on the Run" playing.]
I don't want to know your name 'Cause you don't look the same The way you did before Fox on the run You scream and everybody comes a-running Take a run and hide yourself away Foxy on the run F-foxy Fox on the run and hideaway