Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e13 Episode Script

Oh, my gosh.
That was incredible.
Hey, sorry about the buttons on your blouse.
I just got a little frustrated and ripped them off.
That's all right.
Don't worry about it.
It was onlyPrada.
But the one thing that was confusing Was what was that list of guys' names you kept repeating? That was the lineup for 1988 dodgers.
It--it helps me.
So, did it live up to all your expectations? You kidding me? It lived up to expectations I didn't know that I had.
Holy smokes.
It was thrilling.
It was super hot.
At one point it was really scary.
Sorry.
I was a trained gymnast.
If I could just get some chalk on my hands I could really show you something.
Oh, my gosh.
Wow.
So, what happens now? I mean, I've never dated anyone from work before.
Do we drive in together tomorrow? I don't think so.
I think we should probably keep work work, And this this.
Like, keep it separate.
Ok.
So, when we're at work, we don't tell anyone.
And I'm your boss.
And you're my employee.
When you say that it sounds really hot.
Maybe we should do it again, I don't have any chalk But I could probably find some baby powder.
Curtis: Lunch is here.
Kfc? Mm-hmm.
New fiery grill wings, yo! Be careful, man.
These things are hot.
I had one in the car, felt like I was sucking on a blowtorch.
Whoo! Let me try one of these bad boys right here.
Can't be that hot.
Yeah.
That's not that hot.
Oh, my god! Aah! That's hot coffee! Aah! What the hell is that?! It's a bloody mary.
What?! It's 5:00 someplace! Hey, curtis.
Hello, gary.
Brooks.
Nice to see you in the workplace.
Hello, sasha.
Nice to see you.
You look very nice.
Why, thank you.
Oh, not at all.
You guys are doing it.
What?! What gives you that idea? Because you guys are talking like you're in victorian England.
uh, sasha, nice to see you.
I find myself captivated by your charms.
I pray you don't get cholera.
All right! Just don't tell anybody, ok? Just keep it a secret.
We don't want everyone to start gossiping.
Especially hannah in ad sales.
You know, gossip-- That's like heroin to that lady.
Actually, I think that heroin is like heroin to hannah.
Ok.
I'm gonna get some plates.
Oh, plates.
No.
Sweetheart, these are fiery wings.
These are meant to be eaten out of a bucket, like a real man.
All the same, I think I would like to take it into my office And eat it like a lady.
Eat it like a lady? What? With knife and fork.
No, like shoving it into my face Until I feel like I've punished my mom enough! Well, somebody picked the right time to start sleeping with the boss.
Oh, what are you talking about? You didn't hear? The latest ratings book just came in, And she's talking about changing things-- Extending shows, cutting shows.
But you're going to be safe.
Look.
Sasha's the boss.
I'm just an employee.
She controls what happens in the workplace.
She's going to add shows that she wants.
She's going to cut shows that she doesn't want to do.
She's the boss.
She's going to do whatever she wants.
It's her choice.
And it has nothing to do with the fact That she's scored a 10 on my pommel horse last night.
So, tom, how are things going at my little boy's very first job? Huh? You like working at hogie moe's? No.
I wanna quit.
What?! That's told me I'd be in charge of urinal cakes and lettuce.
Ok.
Please tell me they have a "lava las manos" sign in the bathroom? I don't know.
But there's this really sad poem in one of stalls About a guy who's brokenhearted.
See he came there-- No! I know it.
I know the poem, tom.
Look, I know it may not be the most fulfilling job in the world, But I think it's important we learned to stick with things.
It's easy for you to get excited.
You're starting a job you've always wanted.
That's true.
Working for the dean of psychology at ucla-- You know, it didn't just fall into my lap.
They had my resume there for over a year and a half before they called.
And you know what? Before that I had to work a lot degrading jobs.
I waited tables.
I bartended.
I was married to your father for 15 years.
Yeah.
That wasn't a paying job.
It is now.
Oh, there's your dad.
Go get your books, ok? Hello, allison.
How are you? Ok.
What's with you? What do you mean, "what's with me?" You're in a good mood.
Your cheeks are all flushed.
So, they're either remaking "porky's" or-- Ooh, you had sex.
Well, it is true.
Sasha and I did make love.
But what? Are they really remaking "porky's?" No.
No.
No, gary.
No.
Really? You're not at all afraid About how sex is going to affect you two working together? Oh, no.
Sasha and I, we both agreed to keep it professional.
Plus, I read a very interesting article in "the new yorker" That said office romances are actually common these days.
Ok.
A) no, you didn't.
And um, b) my guess is you fell asleep during a laker game And woke up during a dr.
Phil re-run.
Gary, sex changes everything.
I mean, it makes everything personal.
Think about the first time we did it.
Uh, us having sex changed nothing.
I went from thinking you were slutty to knowing you were slutty.
Everybody knew that.
When you're slutty, word tends to get around.
Sasha: Ok.
Next thing.
Since our kppq family is growing, We're running a little short on parking spaces.
So, are there any volunteers to park in the lot across the street? I'm fine with parking across the street.
There's no reason why I should have a special spot.
Thank you, gary, for being a good team member.
Hey, you know what? I'm doing what any other team member would do.
And last order of business-- this is a little tough.
We will be extending sue the cat lady's show "dramatic paws" To 2 hours instead of just one.
Based on some very and somewhat inexplicable ratings.
What's the matter? An hour wasn't enough time For her to do all her stupid cat puns?! Have a mice day! Hope you're feline-ing great! And since extending her show will cut into the show that comes before, We will be cutting "the score" with gary brooks down to an hour.
Wait? What?! Gary, I'm sorry.
It's purely a ratings thing.
But my show gets really good ratings.
Yes, it does.
But it's new.
And you're still building an audience.
How am I supposed to build an audience if you cut my show in half? Gary, it's nothing personal.
What do you mean it's not personal?! I'm your boyfriend.
We're sleeping together.
Gary! Come on! Who here doesn't know that these 2 are doing it? My bad.
Yes, professor drakely.
It's just that when I started this job, I thought I'd be using more of my psychology expertise As opposed to running errands for you.
See, I graduated top of my class at uc irvine.
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
Uh, yeah ok.
So fong's cleaners on santa monica? Ok.
Ready at 3.
Uh, you know what? Yeah.
I am crushing up your cialis pills right now.
Yeah.
Ok.
Bye.
Hi, mom.
Hey, honey.
How was your day at hogie moe's? You still thinking about quitting? I mean, you were right.
I just stuck with it.
And I'm having a great time.
Hey, this kid threw out his retainer when he dumped his tray into the trash.
And guess who dug it out? Me.
And then my boss told me I was a hero.
And I made a joke about a hero sandwich, And like 4 people laughed.
It was awesome.
Honey, that is so great.
You know it must be nice to feel so productive.
Yeah.
You know, I'm loving being part of the hogie family.
That's what we call it.
So, how's your job? Actually I worked with a particularly interesting case today-- Borderline narcissist who feels the need to dominate women.
Probably due to his repressed homosexuality.
Really? Did you help him? Yeah.
Yeah.
But if my help lasts for more than 4 hours, He's supposed to consult a physician.
Sasha: What are you doing? Well, just dotting down notes for my show.
Wow.
Want to not do that and do something else? No, I don't think so.
I'm really not in the mood.
Ok? What do you mean you're not in the mood? You're always in the mood.
The other day you started making out with me When we were watching "intervention.
" And I never found out if janine the ice skater got off meth.
Uh, she didn't.
She relapsed and then her dad killed himself.
I was in the mood then, I'm just not in the mood now.
I'm not feeling it.
Sorry.
Is this about today? What--of course not.
No, come on.
I have work to do.
Since my show is only an hour, I have to cut some stuff out for time, you know.
Ha ha--that would have been hilarious.
It's gone now.
Ha ha! That's a classic that no one will ever hear.
Gary, I'm sorry.
It was a business decision.
Look, your girlfriend hates that it happened, But your boss had to do it.
Hey, you know what? You could have shortened anyone's show, And you chose to shorten mine.
I don't get it.
Why not shorten the show with that old man that talks about pots and pans? Antique bob? Do you know how much revenue he brings in With those adult diaper ads? Our station depends on him.
Gary, I don't understand.
You are the one who said we should keep work and dating separate.
This does not seem separate.
Of course it doesn't seem separate.
I'm so mad at my boss right now, That I don't even want to play with my girlfriend's boobs.
So, what? Are you saying I should give you special treatment Because we're dating? Yeah.
That's awesome.
I can't do that.
Well, then I don't know what to do.
You know, I'm afraid that what we have is going to get ruined Because we work together.
So, I'm going to have to choose what's more important to me.
So, you know what? Fine I'll choose.
Gary, that is very romantic.
But I don't think you should quit your job over this.
What are you talking about? What--you're choosing me, right? If by me you mean my job, yes.
You know what? I think I'm going to head home.
Ah, sasha, come on.
What am I supposed to do? It's my dream job! Oh, I don't expect you to do anything.
I just hope you don't end up regretting your decision.
What are you going to do? Fire me? No.
No.
No.
That would be letting my personal feelings Dictate my business decisions.
And I am a professional.
So, I will see you at work tomorrow.
Don't forget it's casual Friday.
Glad you could join me.
We're back from break in like a minute.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, man.
Sasha arranged for a chiropractor to come in a work on us.
I got an adjustment called a cox flexion distraction.
And at first it sounded like something I definitely did not want.
But now I want as much cox flexion as I can get.
Ooh.
Can we please get to work?! Ok.
Someone's a little uptight today, huh? Sorry.
I'm very uptight.
Sasha and I had a huge fight.
I basically had to choose between her and work.
And you picked the job?! Yes, I did.
Are you crazy?! You always pick the girl! Remember that movie where richard gere went back into the factory And he picked up debra winger and all those homely left-behinds were clapping.
What if he hadn't? If he hadn't, it wouldn't be "an officer and a gentleman.
" It would be "an officer and a selfish bastard.
" You're on.
Hey, welcome back to "the score" with gary brooks.
You know there's a lot of talk about football dynasties, all right.
Patriots, steelers, you know what I want to do.
I want to take it in another direction today.
Let's talk about the dynasties of failure.
I mean the real losers.
The detroit lions, they gotta be at the top of that list right away.
You also have your cleveland browns.
These poor guys, they can't win on the road.
They can't win when they go back to cleavage.
Cleveland.
What are you doing in here? Oh, sorry.
I just left some paperwork.
Yeah.
Even your newest franchises in the nfl, they win more.
You got your jacksonville jaguars, your tennessee titans.
They're big, firm-- Ok, you know what.
Let's pause 10 seconds for station identification.
We'll be right back with "the score" with gary brooks.
What the heck are you doing in here, sasha? What do you mean? What do I mean? You're walking around all sexy, that why I mean what I mean.
Gary, since we're in the workplace, I would appreciate you not referring to me as sexy.
Oops.
Dropped my pen.
Curtis: Gary! Gary! We are back from station id.
Well, roll another one! We're picking up pens in here! So, do you want you turn with the chiropractor? No.
I want you to get out.
I'm trying to do a show here professionally.
All right.
Well, it's my turn with rhonda anyway.
Ok.
Where were we? Ok.
Welcome back to "the score" everybody.
My name is gary brooks.
How about we take a call.
We have glenn in chula vista.
Glenn, what can I do for ya, pal? Yeah, hey gary, listen, I was wondering, What do you think the raiders have to do To put together a better team for next year? Well, I'll tell you, glenn, if your fans are tougher than your team, You have a big turn on.
I'm sorry.
Did you say, turn on? Yeah, turn on.
You gotta turn on the power, kiddo.
Oh, my god I've never seen bodies move that way.
Are you talking about darren mcfadden? Yes, I am.
I'm talking about darren mcfadden and his perfect, supple bottom.
Thank you! Allison! Alli, I need your help! Gary, shh.
What? What's going on? Why are you in the pantry? I thought you were tom.
Oh, no.
Is it a surprise party? Did I miss his birthday? I didn't get him anything.
He likes olives, right? No, look.
I quit my job and I don't want him to know.
So, when he comes home.
He's going to go upstairs.
And I'm going to come out and pretend I just got home from work.
Yeah.
But you're in here for no reason.
He doesn't get home for another hour.
So, you're safe.
Let's go.
All right.
Car.
Oh! There's a car.
All right.
Why'd you quit your job? Gary, I couldn't stand it.
It was like I was his personal assistant.
He made me do all his grocery shopping for him, pick up his dry cleaning.
I mean, it was like being married to you Except I didn't have to watch one steven gutenberg film.
Steven gutenberg is an american treasure.
Ok.
Gary, listen to me.
I took off all of this time to raise my kids And now I have to pay my dues all over again? But I want to teach tom a lesson, So I'm hiding in the pantry like a coward.
Tom totally respects you.
Tell him you quit your job.
He will completely understand.
Both: Aah! Oh, jeez.
Hi, honey.
Hey, mom.
Hey, dad.
'sup.
Can I have the triskets? Oh, yeah.
Here you go.
Thanks.
You guys should come listen to this cat lady show.
It's so interesting.
Did you know that cats have no sense of hot and cold in their feet? Really? That's kind of fascinating, actually.
I gotta go.
Antique bob comes on in 10 minutes.
All right, come on.
Let's get out of here.
This is ridiculous.
All right.
So, hey, gary.
What did you want? Sasha's trying to get me to regret my incredibly stupid decision.
But it was her stupid decision to shorten my show That made me make my stupid decision.
Car! No, it's the neighbor's, allison! All right.
What am I supposed to do about sasha? Ok.
Just do the same thing to her.
Make her regret her decision to shorten your show.
I mean, who could fill someone with regret more than you? I mean, remember me? White dress, flowers in hand, Priest asking me if I would take you as my husband.
You did not regret that.
Yeah, but you know what? When the priest changed the vows to "are you double, triple, super-duper sure you'd want to do this?" I should have taken it as a sign, gary! The only reason we were standing there is curtis double dog dared me to marry you! Welcome back to "dramaticPaws.
" I'm sue the cat lady.
Ok.
We have carla from monrovia on the line.
She's the mom of 2 sweet little 6-month-old calicoes.
Go ahead, carla.
Um, my question is.
When I bring ginger home from the vet, Why does mr.
Roboto hiss at her like he's never seen her before? She's still at lunch? Yeah.
Yeah.
What are you doing? Blowing up the cat lady.
The answer to your question is mr.
Roboto hasn't seen ginger before.
Cat's can't actually recognize one another by sight, Only by smell.
Isn't that interesting? Yes, it is.
That's really interesting.
Thanks for you call.
I've got germaine from santa monica on the air.
Germaine, who's daddy are you? Yeah, I don't have a cat.
But I do have a question about the lakers.
Do you think they're better off with ron artest Or should they have stuck it out with trevor ariza? I'm sorry.
I think you may be calling into the wrong show.
This isn't "the score" with gary brooks? I thought that show went 2 hours.
What is that? Some kind of weird cat show? I don't want to talk about cats.
I want to talk about sports.
No.
It's recently been shortened.
That's a terrible idea to shorten a sports show for a cat show.
Well, I could take a stab at answering your question.
Sure, artest struggled early, but he's good for 16 points and 5 boards a game.
And come playoffs time, you're gonna want his strong presence in the paint To bang with bateer, nowitzski, carmelo, And likely king james if they make the finals.
You just aren't going to get that with a slasher like ariza, Who, to bring it back to the subject, Plays the post like a pussy cat.
Pussy cat.
Gary, what are you doing? I don't know.
Why don't we go to my office? Uh, thanks.
I love your show, sue.
Sasha, look.
I'm sorry.
You shortened my show.
I freaked out.
I took it out on sue the cat lady, Who apparently knows more about the lakers than phil jackson.
Gary, you never had to make a choice.
Look, I know working together makes dating complicated, But I was willing to give it a try.
So, was I.
I really wanted to give it a try.
And then I just spazzed out.
I'm sorry.
Uh, it wasn't just you.
I wanted to show you how wrong you were, So I dressed sexy And nearly crippled myself with that split I did.
Look, could we maybe try this again.
You know what? Let me rephrase that.
I would really like to try this again.
So, would I.
Ok.
Great.
But if we do this, we have to sit down and hammer out an ironclad set of rules That we stick to no matter what.
Ok.
I agree.
Good.
But first Let's pick up some pens.
Hey, mom.
Hi, honey.
How was work today? Uh, great.
They promoted me.
When someone orders a special hogey de la dia-- That's what we call it-- Someone rings a bell.
Ok.
You're looking at the guy who tells the guy to ring the bell.
So, how was work for you? Actually, I've got something to tell you.
I quit my job.
I just-- It wasn't what I hoped it would be.
And I couldn't make it work.
I hope I didn't let you down.
Thank god.
Huh? They fired me.
What?! Oh, gosh! Why, honey? Well, someone ordered the special hogey de la dia.
Yeah.
And they asked if they could have ketchup on it.
Ok.
You don't put ketchup on it.
It completely offsets the flavor, and everyone knows that! Yeah.
I refused to give the order to ring the bell.
Oh, gosh, tommy.
I'm sorry.
Yeah.
Well, I had to hand in my hairnet, my key to the condiment closet-- That's why we call-- That's what they call it.
Ok.
Tommy, it's going to be ok.
The point is that we tried.
We're just going to move on to bigger and better things.
You know, we're just gonna find something that's better suited to us.
You know? Yeah.
Well, how about just living off dad like we've been doing this whole time? Hey, if it ain't broke-- Ohh!