Glee s02e13 Episode Script
Comeback
Here's what you missed.
Puck's got a thing for Lauren.
She's not down with it.
- I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
- Finn kissed Quinn who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too but he didn't feel the fireworks.
- The cheek? - Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win nationals but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's Loser of the Year.
I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
That's what you missed on Glee.
I actually learned something in my Spanish class today.
"Regresar.
" Who knows what that means? "To come back.
" That's right.
I realized the old Will Schuester was back.
Glee Club's going to regionals, we got all of Sue's Cheerios money I'm past Terri, I'm over Emma.
"Come back.
" Now, if we're gonna put it Will.
It's an emergency.
Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.
"Good-bye, cruel world"? She could be dead by now.
It's weird the door's open.
Sue? Sue? No? All right.
Oh.
- Sue.
- All right.
Oh, Sue.
Sue.
- Wake up, Sue.
Sue, wake up.
- I don't feel a pulse.
She doesn't have a pulse.
Yeah, I do.
I just stopped my own heart.
It's my C.
I.
A.
training.
These gummy vitamins didn't work at all.
I was told you take enough vitamin "A," and you drift off into a blissful oblivion.
Instead my face just got really hot, and my jaw's sore from all that chewing.
I have nothing to live for.
That's not untrue.
Emma, we did not come here to give her a pep talk.
I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.
I am well aware of my situation, Will.
After my humiliating failure to qualify for nationals there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.
Why don't you do what other cheer squads do? Namely cheer for the teams at the school.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Emma, let's go.
Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.
Will you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks.
Oh.
I for one am not gonna play backup at your little pity party.
Take it easy, Sue.
Hey.
Hi.
So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.
Wait.
You were serious about that? It's painting coasters time.
So, we good for Friday? Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.
Cool.
Things have been weird slnce Quinn got mono a couple weeks ago.
Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn but I believe it when she told me what really happened.
I didn't kiss Finn, Sam.
I saved his life.
He's not breathing! I totally almost choked on a gum ball once.
I know she's into me.
Just get the feeling that I'm losing her.
I can't let that happen.
Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school.
But how? Of course.
My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: Take her hunting and rock and roll.
I knew what I had to do.
I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one.
That's who.
The hair was step one.
Step two was booking a couple of bat mitzvah gigs to test how my new one-man band would go over.
Hey.
I'm The Justin Bieber Experience.
# Baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby # # No # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # Heads up, Quinn Fabray.
You're about to be hit head-on with the full blond Bieber.
Hey, Brittany.
We need to talk.
Why are my leg warmers on your arms? - I got cold.
- But no, we had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now.
The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion.
Maybe launch a trend or two.
I gave you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.
And we decided that leg warmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.
Yes, precisely.
But it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.
I didn't realize that there were rules.
Of course there are rules.
Look.
They're leg warmers.
Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer.
- No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.
- Fine.
Fine.
And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory you're gonna say, "I'm just copying" - I'm just copying Rachel Berry.
- Fantastic.
You know how I feel about hats! Just 'cause.
None of you should be making eye contact with me.
Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids! I got nothing but time.
Nothing but time.
I think she's dangerous.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings.
I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club.
Hey, Will, Esmé.
So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting.
But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person.
Sue, sit.
Now, I understand you're upset but life is beautiful.
Are you gonna tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something? Well, yes, Will.
As a matter of fact there was- there was one moment.
I was driving to work this morning in my Le Car and Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me" came on the radio.
And when it got to the chorus I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her.
And I have to say, it felt really good.
Sue should join the Glee Club.
- I'm sorry? - I'd rather be dead.
Yes.
She should- I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in.
Yes.
Will.
Look.
Sue is in a really bad place right now.
And you're always talking about the healing power of music.
There are studies that show it helps with depression it elevates the mood.
I have a pamphlet.
Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin.
It's a stupid idea.
The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together, Will.
And this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue.
You know, make sure the old gal's okay.
Well, you know what, folks, at this point, to alleviate my crippling depression I'd do anything.
- This cannot be happening.
- This seems like a terrible idea.
Guys, it's not up for discussion.
Okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks.
I mean, just wanky.
And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.
Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.
Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.
She got exactly what she deserved.
You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, air bags 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.
Guys.
Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion.
Now, we could do worse than to have that kind of a winning record in our midst.
Let me break it down for you.
I am no longer a threat to you people, all right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live.
Is that too much to ask? Guys, it's settled.
Sue's gonna be with us for the week.
Now, I received an envelope in the mail today.
- We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at regionals.
- Sweet Porcelain.
And it looks like this year we face Aural Intensity again.
They cleaned our clock last year.
Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's regionals and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it.
This year's theme: Anthem.
Now, who can tell us what an anthem is? It's the bottom of an ant's pants.
So close.
So close.
No.
An anthem is an epic song filled with a- a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself even bigger than the person performing it.
- Mr.
Schue.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
I didn't even notice your new haircut.
Yeah.
I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.
You've got to be kidding me.
Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.
Let her speak.
Laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off.
And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional and sums up our generation.
All right.
Let's hear it, buddy.
I'm offended.
He'll be good.
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # You know you love me I know you care # # Just shout whenever and I'll be there # # You want my love You want my heart # - # And we will never, ever # - This is actually a really good song.
# Be apart # # Are we an item? # - Whoo! - # Girl, quit playin' # - Whoo! - # "We're just friends"? What are you saying? # # Say there's another and look right in my eyes # # My first love broke my heart for the first time # # And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # Oh, oh, oh For you, I would have done whatever # - Whoo! - # And I just can't believe we ain't together # # And I want to play it cool, but I'm losing you # # I'll buy you anything I'll buy you any ring # - Ooh! - # And I'm in pieces # # Baby, fix me # # And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream # # I'm going down, down, down, down # # And I just can't believe my first love won't be around # # And I'm like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # I'm gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Gone, gone # # I'm gone ## The Biebster.
I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios.
We want in.
- In what? - The Justin Bieber Experience.
We want in the band.
- But it's a one-man band.
- So, expand.
I don't get it.
You guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.
That's because we underestimated the power of the Biebs.
He's clearly like a mini-god.
Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee Club.
- Now think about the power of four Biebers.
- We'd be unstoppable.
All of our relationships are in the standard post-Valentine's Day lull.
Are you playing Angry Birds? - Sorry.
- Want me to show you my abs? If you want to.
Here's what happens to the female chemistry.
They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentine's Day, and everything is heightened and so romantic.
The problem is, days later, when they come down from their See's candy high they crash, and everything else by comparison is humdrum.
We need a sugary-sweet jolt of the Biebs to get us some action again.
- Why do you want in, Puckerman? - I'm at the end of my Lauren Zizes rope.
- I'll try anything to get into those enormous pants.
- Uh, what's goin' on? We're joining The Justin Bieber Experience, if Sam's cool with it.
- And if not, we're starting our own band.
- Bieber Fever.
Wait, wait.
You guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right? Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee Club.
Right.
Well, I'm gonna spend my time working on songs - that aren't geared toward 12-year-olds.
- Good.
- Then you won't have time to pick up any other guys' girlfriends.
- Hey.
Back off, man.
I didn't kiss your girlfriend.
She saved my life.
So, what do you say? Are we in? Fine.
But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman's hair.
Oh, no.
- Those are really cute.
- Thanks.
No way.
You're a genius.
They have changed my life.
I didn't know my arms could be so toasty.
You're a hero.
You should win some kind of award.
- What are you doing? - I'm so sorry, Rachel.
It just sort of caught on.
I see that.
Okay? That is not what we agreed upon.
- I want my allowance back right now.
- It's already gone.
My uncle lost his job, and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat.
I mean, sort of.
The goat just ate the money.
Okay.
The only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed exactly like me.
- What is that look called? - Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic.
All right.
You'd better get a move on, okay? Kids "R" Us closes at 6:00 p.
m.
sharp.
Go, Brittany.
Dear journal, my lust for life is renewed.
I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines poised to destroy the Glee Club from within.
Schuester and his guidance counselor Ginger fell for my pity party hook, line and sinker.
And now I'm in and ready to sink them once and for all.
Thus begins my plan.
I will pit these Glee Clubbers against one another rupturing the group internally until it explodes like a ripe zit.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
Mercedes, have a seat.
So I've decided I'm going to sing a song in Glee Club, and I need your advice.
Now, as you may know, I have a background in music.
For a brief period, I was the tambourine player for Wilson Phillips.
What I need to learn from you is how to be a diva.
Oh.
Well, you've definitely come to the right girl.
I mean, being a diva is all about attitude, something I know you're not short on.
It's all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally taking no nonsense from nobody.
Dig it, sister.
Well, I have to say I'm flattered and shocked that you came to me.
Oh, come now, Ra-chelle.
It doesn't humble me too much to say I simply need your tutelage.
Well, I'll say this.
Being a diva is all about emotion.
In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained.
Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push, push your feelings away! They're that big! Wow.
Well, that Mercedes is wrong about you.
What? - What did she say? - Oh, I don't remember the specifics.
Just something about you're not as talented as you think you are and all your ideas are horrible.
I don't know.
Something like that.
- She said what? - Yep.
Quote: "Not that talented.
" There you are.
I heard what you said about me.
I heard what you said about me.
Just when I thought we were friends.
- I guess that will just never happen, will it? - I guess not.
You know, there's only one "I" in "diva," Rachel, and that "I" is me.
Guess we're just gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way.
- Diva-off.
- Tomorrow, Glee Club.
- Why not right now? - 'Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers.
Want to know why? I'm gonna be doing some runs.
So, Friday night I figured we'd check out the Sullivan Rink.
They have ice rink bumper cars.
I told you.
I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.
Sweet Jesus.
Who bought tickets to Crazy Town? All right.
Looks like the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.
Hey, everybody.
We are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience and we think this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.
- Truth.
- Anyway this song, like all the songs I sing is for my girlfriend, Quinn.
Hit it.
# Gotta, gotta keep it Feels so right # - # Gotta, gotta Gotta, gotta keep it close # - # Oh # # Feels so right # # Oh, oh For you I'd write a symphony # # I'd tell the violin it's time to sink or swim # # Watch them play for ya # - # For you I'd be # - # Whoa, whoa # # Running a thousand miles, just get to where you are # # Step to the beat of my heart # # I don't need a whole lot # # But for you I admit I'd rather give you the world # # Or we can share mine # # I know I won't be the first one giving you all this attention # # Baby, listen # # I just need somebody to love # # I don't need too much Just somebody to love # # Somebody to love # # I don't need nothing else I promise, girl, I swear # # I just need somebody to love # # I need somebody I- I need somebody # # I need somebody I- I need somebody # # Every day # # I'll bring the sun around # # I sweep away the clouds Smile for me # # I would take every second every single time # # Spend it like my last dime # # Step to the beat of my heart # # I don't need a whole lot # # But for you I admit I'd rather give you the world # # Or let you share mine # # I know I won't be the first one giving you all this attention # # Baby, listen # - # I just need somebody to love # - # No, no, no, no, no # # I don't need too much Just somebody to love # - # Somebody to love # - # Oh, I # # I don't need nothing else I promise, girl, I swear # # I just need somebody to love # # Somebody to love Somebody to love # # Oh, oh, oh # - # I need somebody # - # I swear, I just need somebody to love ## Whoo! Bieber! Nice.
Need a towel.
Hey! Uh, I actually can't do Friday.
Hey, Lauren.
So, uh, what'd you think? Honestly although my love would crush him I'm totally turned on by the Biebster.
That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12, then it's sort of creepy.
So if I were gonna give you a grade, C-plus.
Listen, Zizes.
I'm dying here.
You got me every which way, and we both know I'm not the brightest.
So, please, what do I have to do to get with you? I may have a proposition for you.
I'll keep you posted.
Color Me Mine? I'll color you yours any day.
Mmm.
Sammy Evans.
You are Biebalicious.
- How are things going with you and Quinn? - Fine.
No, they're not.
You and I should, uh, talk soon.
Sam's an artist, Finn.
An artist? I guess that's why he's taking you to Color Me Mine.
I told you I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do with Sam, and I did.
- I choose him.
- Because of The Justin Bieber Experience? Look.
I thought it was gonna be stupid too but he was so shameless.
He just got up there and owned it.
It was sexy.
I'm sorry, Finn.
But like I said, Sam's an artist and at the end of the day It really turns me on.
Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you? Shut it, Puckerman.
We're here to talk business.
Sorry.
Okay.
I want to do a number for Glee Club.
It's stage one of my master plan.
Shibby.
So, what, you want me to back you up on my ax? Yeah, but I also need some advice.
I'm a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd.
- Up until now I've only ever really sung in the steam shower.
- Hot.
But ridiculous.
I mean, you're the most confident chick I know.
Yeah, I know I'm hot, melted butter but singing is different, and I want to be great.
Or at least as good as Berry.
I get nervous before I sing too, but I always overcome.
- You want to know my secret? - Yeah.
Oldest trick in the book.
Just picture the audience in their underwear.
- Even the dudes? - It's not about sex.
It's just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you.
Trust me.
It works every time.
- Can I touch your knockers now? - Only if you want to lose a hand.
But you're on your way.
Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.
Oh, trust.
It's about to go down.
- You look amazing.
- I really do.
This look has to go viral.
Is there any way you can cut class for the rest of the day just so you could walk down the halls? Totally.
Most teachers think by cutting class I might improve my grades.
Great.
Why are you dressed like that? I thought you weren't into the Biebster.
Well, I wasn't, but then somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of YouTube, with over a billion views.
An anthem is supposed to appeal to the masses, right? So, before I pick my anthem, I was working on my anthem look.
Okay, guys and gals.
And Sue.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for, our next diva-off.
So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem, Mercedes and Rachel.
Let's give it up! After much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that, in order to do a proper diva-off it has to come from the Broadway catalog.
Which I think is safe to say that that gives me a home field advantage.
- Oh, well, you're about to get beat on your own turf.
- Hit it.
# Yeah # # Yeah, hey # # Ooh, ooh, ooh # # Every single day I walk down the street # # I hear people say "Baby, so sweet" # # Ever since puberty everybody stares at me # # Boys, girls I can't help it, baby # # So be kind and don't lose your mind # # Just remember that I'm your baby # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # # Take me, baby # # Or leave me # # Take me, baby, or leave me # # A tiger in a cage can never see the sun # # This diva needs her stage Baby, let's have fun # # You are the one I choose # # Folks would kill to fill your shoes # # You love the limelight too now, baby # # So be mine and don't waste my time # # Cryin', " Oh, honey bear, are you still my- my- my baby?" # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # # Take me, baby, or leave me # # No way can I be what I'm not # # But hey, don't you want your girl hot? # # Don't fight Don't lose your head # # 'Cause every night who's in your bed? # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # - # Take me, baby # - # Oh, take me, baby # - # Or leave me # - # Or leave me # # Take me, baby # # Or leave me # # Guess I'm leaving # # I'm gone ## Oh, my God! That was so great! - No.
Her.
What about her? - No.
Her.
- Awesome.
- Hey.
Where's the hate? Not the point of Glee Club, Sue.
- I understand you wish to see me.
- Yeah, Sue.
I did.
I saw how you were in class today.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.
No, no.
No way.
I don't care how depressed I am.
I will not date a curly.
- Not on a date, Sue.
- Still probably not gonna go.
You're interested in making your comeback, right? Well, I think it's important that you see something.
Hate 'em.
Hate hospitals, William.
That's why I keep voting for those death panels.
Sue, I know you.
You crack jokes whenever you get uncomfortable.
Not really joking, William.
And you have a penchant for sappy scenarios set to music so I demand to know where we're going.
We're going to the pediatric cancer ward.
No, no, no.
Once a month, I come down here - and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.
- Yep, no.
No.
Sue.
Uh, William, I know what you're getting at.
I have been selfish.
Yes, I was ridiculed on the national stage, but you're right.
It's nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from.
I should be grateful.
Well, congratulations.
I've learned my lesson.
Then let's celebrate.
Let's sing with some kids.
Look.
You're right.
Sometimes Glee Club is a little silly.
But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff.
I mean, music can get at a part of us that's hard to open up to.
But, please go there with me.
I think it'll be good for you, Sue.
No outfits.
No jazz hands.
Just music.
Fine.
And, William, I don't care how adorable those kids are.
If I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey I will start pulling catheters.
Come on.
Bailey.
Hi, guys! - Hi, Will.
- Oh, hey.
My man.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
You're Sue Sylvester.
I just saw you on TV.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
This lady was interviewed by Katie Couric.
Holy sweet baby Jesus.
What do you say, guys? You ready to make some music? - Yeah! - Yeah! Let's do this thing.
Brought my special little guy with me.
- Yeah! - Yeah! All right! All right.
And that's all there is to it.
- So, does everyone know their parts? - Yes.
- Sue? - My kids are gonna mop the floor with your kids.
Not a chance.
All right.
I'm gonna sing the first two and, uh, then you guys come in and join me, just like we practiced.
- All right? - Okay.
# This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine # Hide it under a bushel.
# Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine ## - Aw.
- Give yourselves a hand.
All right.
Good job.
I'll never forgive you for this.
Deal.
Look, Q.
I know that we've had our differences, but I can't lie.
- That outfit is amazing on you.
- It looks good on everyone.
- Penny loafers and tights- genius.
- Outrageous.
I mean, my carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler but no, I look hot and smart.
I feel like Michelle Obama.
Oh, my God.
You guys look amazing.
Seriously.
She's a genius and an icon.
Who is? Brittany.
Who did you think? Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution.
Is this a joke? No.
That sweater is.
Who wears a reindeer sweater? Uh, all three of you.
No.
This is a carousel horse.
If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.
Look.
She took the look from me, okay? - I paid her.
- You're a terrible liar, Rachel.
I can't believe you would take this away from poor Brittany.
It's sad.
You're just sad.
Hey! I need to talk to you.
I want my money back.
Well, I used it to pay a publicist.
- What? - Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo and this Web site called The Sartorialist named me the Trendiest Girl in America.
Brittany, I'm trying to stage a comeback here.
Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from? - L- - Listen, Rachel.
I'm gonna give you some tough love right now.
You're not a trendsetter.
When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing.
They see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.
I'm really sorry, but I have to go.
I have an interview with Teen Vogue.
All right.
Let's get right down to it.
Starting us off, and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes.
Whoo, ooh! So what are you gonna sing for us, Lauren? Here's how I see it.
I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint.
If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world a finger - and this would be my national anthem.
- Okay.
Puckerman, grab your guitar.
Tina, Brittany, ready? Good.
Awesome.
Supercool.
Okay.
Two, three, four.
# I know what boys like # # I know what guys want # # I see them looking # # I make them want me # # I like to tease them # # I know what boys like # # Boys like # # Boys like me # # I see you're sad now # # I will let you # # Sorry I teased you # # I will let you # # This time I mean it # # I will let you # # Anything you want # # You can trust me # # I really want to # # You can trust me # # How would you like it? # # You can trust me # # Sucker! # # I got my cat moves # # That so upset them # # Zippers and buttons # # Fun to frustrate them # # They get so angry # # Like pouty children # # Denied their candy # # I laugh right at them # - # I know what boys like # - Whoo! # Boys like # # Boys like me ## Whoo! Ow! How fricking hot is she? What was that? This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun.
That's my James Earl Jones impression.
First of all, that is offensive.
He shot Martin Luther King.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase.
Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off you still somehow manage to be cute.
But make no mistake.
Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression, or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork.
Which is where I come in.
I hereby offer my services as a mistress.
I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on 'em now.
- But I'm dating Quinn.
- And this just in: She cheated on you.
- No, she didn't.
- Look.
I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair but you know in your heart she's lying.
That gum ball story was insane.
You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her.
But consider my offer.
Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rib cage you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans.
And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python but because you have some buzz at this school.
Think about it.
Will, you have a problem.
You? No.
Your Glee kids.
They have no comprehension skills.
Your assignment was anthems and I'll be damned as your hairdresser if any of them sung a single one.
Sue, are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem? Well, I'll admit that, uh, your little field trip to the house of sad inspired me a bit.
But I'm not gonna go it alone.
The whole crew has to sing it with me.
And here's the catch: No more Bieber.
No hoodies.
No pocket lesbian Bieber hair.
Well, that can be arranged.
What's your song? # Sing it out # # Boy, you've got to see what tomorrow brings # # Sing it out # # Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs # # For every time that they want to count you out # # And use your voice # - # Ooh # - # Every single time # # You open up your mouth # # Sing it for the boys # # Sing it for the girls # # Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world # # Sing it from the heart Sing it till you're nuts # # Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts # # Sing it for the deaf Sing it for the blind # # Sing about everyone that you left behind # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # Cleaned up Corporation progress # # Dying in the process # # Buy yourself the motivation Generation nothing # # Nothing but a dead scene Product of a white dream # # I am not the singer that you wanted but a dancer # # I refuse to answer Talk about the passer # # Ruling for the ones who want to get away # # Keep runnin' # # Sing it for the boys Sing it for the girls # # Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world # # Sing it from the heart Sing it till you're nuts # # Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts # # Sing it for the deaf Sing it for the blind # # Sing about everyone that you left behind # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # We've got to see what tomorrow brings # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # Boy, you've got to be what tomorrow needs # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world ## Whoo! Yeah! Hey.
Do you think I could borrow one of your T-shirts to use as a smock tonight at Color Me Mine? I kind of have a thing for wearing my boyfriend's shirts.
We're not going to Color Me Mine.
And I'm not your boyfriend.
Wait.
Why? Because you can't look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn't make out with Finn.
I want to be with you, Sam.
Forget it, okay? No harm, no foul.
Oei ngati kameie.
Crap.
Santana told me to stop speaking Na'vi.
Since when is Santana telling you what to do? Since we started going out.
# I thought you'd always be mine # # I'm gone ## - When did that happen? - All right.
I hate to say it, but I think we all owe Sue a big thank-you.
She may hate us, but she did give us a kick-butt song for regionals.
- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- That's right.
Mr.
Schuester, I think that our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature.
While I love My Chemical Romance, and I think we all kicked butt on that number as our team leader and arbiter of all that is good I have to say that I don't think that that song is good enough for regionals.
The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch and Aural Intensity kicked our butt last year.
We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams.
You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song.
- Guys, this isn't about me.
- What do you suggest, Rachel? We need to be bold and epic.
We need to write our own original music for regionals.
We need an undisputable advantage.
Check out dwarf Diane Warren.
Look.
We can't lose regionals again this year, you guys.
Okay? You have to trust me.
I feel really, really strongly about this.
Let's put it to a vote.
Okay, Rachel? All those in favor of doing an original song? Chemical Romance? - Hey there, buddy.
- Sue.
You know, I have to be honest.
We missed you in here today.
- Mmm.
- Oddly, you're, uh, kind of a fun addition.
Oh, Will.
Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.
Well, looks like you're back to your old self.
Ah, hardly.
I'm on my way to becoming someone much better.
You've inspired me, Will.
You've made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular life-threatening cheerleading tumbles.
I got the music in me.
Sue, that is great.
I mean, with that attitude you are welcome in here anytime.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
It'd be spying on the competition.
What? No one told you? I got a part-time gig.
Yeah, I'm the new coach for Aural Intensity.
That's impossible.
Oh, nothing's impossible, Will, when you have a positive attitude.
You taught me that.
Isn't it great? Geez, I got my mojo back still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours.
Life's good.
See you at regionals.
- You must be happy.
- Why is that? Quinn's back on the market.
I mean, she'll be easy pickings after what Sam did to her.
I don't want to talk about Quinn.
I want to talk about you.
You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win.
We need to write our own songs.
Why didn't you say that when I needed you? It wouldn't have made a difference.
The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.
Well, do you think that you and I should do it together? No, I think you should do it yourself.
Let's face it.
You're the real trendsetter in there and if someone was gonna write a song to win regionals, it would be you.
You really believe in me that much? More.
You know I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today.
Reminded me of the old you.
Focused and take no prisoners.
I think she might be making a comeback.
English - US - SDH
Puck's got a thing for Lauren.
She's not down with it.
- I don't think you're ready for this jelly.
- Finn kissed Quinn who's supposed to be dating Sam, and Rachel kissed Finn too but he didn't feel the fireworks.
- The cheek? - Can you believe that? Sue tried to shoot Brittany out of a cannon to win nationals but the only thing she won was Katie Couric's Loser of the Year.
I hate you, Diane Sawyer.
That's what you missed on Glee.
I actually learned something in my Spanish class today.
"Regresar.
" Who knows what that means? "To come back.
" That's right.
I realized the old Will Schuester was back.
Glee Club's going to regionals, we got all of Sue's Cheerios money I'm past Terri, I'm over Emma.
"Come back.
" Now, if we're gonna put it Will.
It's an emergency.
Becky Jackson opened Sue's journal and found this.
"Good-bye, cruel world"? She could be dead by now.
It's weird the door's open.
Sue? Sue? No? All right.
Oh.
- Sue.
- All right.
Oh, Sue.
Sue.
- Wake up, Sue.
Sue, wake up.
- I don't feel a pulse.
She doesn't have a pulse.
Yeah, I do.
I just stopped my own heart.
It's my C.
I.
A.
training.
These gummy vitamins didn't work at all.
I was told you take enough vitamin "A," and you drift off into a blissful oblivion.
Instead my face just got really hot, and my jaw's sore from all that chewing.
I have nothing to live for.
That's not untrue.
Emma, we did not come here to give her a pep talk.
I'm sorry, Sue, but you brought this on yourself.
I am well aware of my situation, Will.
After my humiliating failure to qualify for nationals there is nothing for me or my Cheerios to do for the rest of the year.
Why don't you do what other cheer squads do? Namely cheer for the teams at the school.
Yeah, like that's gonna happen.
Emma, let's go.
Sue, you are nasty, manipulative and petty.
Will you have more grease in your hair than the guy behind WikiLeaks.
Oh.
I for one am not gonna play backup at your little pity party.
Take it easy, Sue.
Hey.
Hi.
So I wanted to confirm our date on Friday at Color Me Mine.
Wait.
You were serious about that? It's painting coasters time.
So, we good for Friday? Yeah, I think so.
I mean, I don't think I have anything else to do.
Cool.
Things have been weird slnce Quinn got mono a couple weeks ago.
Everyone keeps telling me that she must have kissed Finn but I believe it when she told me what really happened.
I didn't kiss Finn, Sam.
I saved his life.
He's not breathing! I totally almost choked on a gum ball once.
I know she's into me.
Just get the feeling that I'm losing her.
I can't let that happen.
Quinn's the best thing that's happened to me since I got to this school.
But how? Of course.
My dad always said there are two ways to get a woman to love you: Take her hunting and rock and roll.
I knew what I had to do.
I mean, who's more rock and roll than Justin Bieber? No one.
That's who.
The hair was step one.
Step two was booking a couple of bat mitzvah gigs to test how my new one-man band would go over.
Hey.
I'm The Justin Bieber Experience.
# Baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby # # No # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # Heads up, Quinn Fabray.
You're about to be hit head-on with the full blond Bieber.
Hey, Brittany.
We need to talk.
Why are my leg warmers on your arms? - I got cold.
- But no, we had a deal, okay? As I explained, I am in the midst of a career resurgence, okay? I am done with boys, and I am concentrating fully on my career now.
The only way to make a complete comeback is to dominate popular discussion.
Maybe launch a trend or two.
I gave you half of my allowance so you could take a signature look of mine and make it popular.
And we decided that leg warmers were more likely to catch on than reindeer sweaters.
Yes, precisely.
But it won't work if you insist on wearing them incorrectly.
I didn't realize that there were rules.
Of course there are rules.
Look.
They're leg warmers.
Well, can I wear them that way tomorrow? I wore a tank top today because I thought it was summer.
- No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.
- Fine.
Fine.
And when people ask you who gave you the inspiration for your new accessory you're gonna say, "I'm just copying" - I'm just copying Rachel Berry.
- Fantastic.
You know how I feel about hats! Just 'cause.
None of you should be making eye contact with me.
Get out! Go! Get used to this abuse, Glee kids! I got nothing but time.
Nothing but time.
I think she's dangerous.
Idle hands are the devil's playthings.
I mean, Sue's got nothing to do now which means it's only a matter of time before she starts coming after the Glee Club.
Hey, Will, Esmé.
So sorry for not being sorry for interrupting.
But would you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I could hang myself? I did a test run back in my office, and you know what? There's asbestos up there, and that can kill a person.
Sue, sit.
Now, I understand you're upset but life is beautiful.
Are you gonna tell me there hasn't been one moment since your epic decline that you haven't felt yourself feel good about something? Well, yes, Will.
As a matter of fact there was- there was one moment.
I was driving to work this morning in my Le Car and Charlene's "I've Never Been to Me" came on the radio.
And when it got to the chorus I just opened my mouth and belted it out with her.
And I have to say, it felt really good.
Sue should join the Glee Club.
- I'm sorry? - I'd rather be dead.
Yes.
She should- I mean, you can't join, but she can sit in.
Yes.
Will.
Look.
Sue is in a really bad place right now.
And you're always talking about the healing power of music.
There are studies that show it helps with depression it elevates the mood.
I have a pamphlet.
Emma, I don't think this is a good idea at all.
I agree with SpongeHair SquareChin.
It's a stupid idea.
The football team did it for a spell, and that really brought people together, Will.
And this is a great chance for you to keep your eye on Sue.
You know, make sure the old gal's okay.
Well, you know what, folks, at this point, to alleviate my crippling depression I'd do anything.
- This cannot be happening.
- This seems like a terrible idea.
Guys, it's not up for discussion.
Okay? Now, it's no secret that Coach Sylvester has taken her licks.
I mean, just wanky.
And I believe she could use a little sympathy from us.
Sympathy? From us? Uh-uh.
Yeah, all she's ever done is make our lives miserable.
She got exactly what she deserved.
You're lucky I left my blowgun at home, air bags 'cause I got a clear shot at your nonnies.
Guys.
Coach Sylvester has had her recent setbacks, but she is a proven champion.
Now, we could do worse than to have that kind of a winning record in our midst.
Let me break it down for you.
I am no longer a threat to you people, all right? I'm just hoping that your singing and dancing around will pull me out of my doldrums and give me a reason to live.
Is that too much to ask? Guys, it's settled.
Sue's gonna be with us for the week.
Now, I received an envelope in the mail today.
- We know that we're facing Kurt and the Warblers at regionals.
- Sweet Porcelain.
And it looks like this year we face Aural Intensity again.
They cleaned our clock last year.
Seems like the governing board has assigned a theme to this year's regionals and part of our score will be based upon how well we interpret it.
This year's theme: Anthem.
Now, who can tell us what an anthem is? It's the bottom of an ant's pants.
So close.
So close.
No.
An anthem is an epic song filled with a- a groundswell of emotion that somehow seems bigger than itself even bigger than the person performing it.
- Mr.
Schue.
- Oh, hey, Sam.
I didn't even notice your new haircut.
Yeah.
I've been working on a new image to go with my new one-man band, The Justin Bieber Experience.
You've got to be kidding me.
Dude, that haircut makes your mouth look even bigger.
Let her speak.
Laugh all you want, but that kid's an epic talent and there's a number I've been working on that I've been wanting to show off.
And I think it qualifies as an anthem, because it's just hugely emotional and sums up our generation.
All right.
Let's hear it, buddy.
I'm offended.
He'll be good.
# Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh # # You know you love me I know you care # # Just shout whenever and I'll be there # # You want my love You want my heart # - # And we will never, ever # - This is actually a really good song.
# Be apart # # Are we an item? # - Whoo! - # Girl, quit playin' # - Whoo! - # "We're just friends"? What are you saying? # # Say there's another and look right in my eyes # # My first love broke my heart for the first time # # And I was like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # Oh, oh, oh For you, I would have done whatever # - Whoo! - # And I just can't believe we ain't together # # And I want to play it cool, but I'm losing you # # I'll buy you anything I'll buy you any ring # - Ooh! - # And I'm in pieces # # Baby, fix me # # And just shake me till you wake me from this bad dream # # I'm going down, down, down, down # # And I just can't believe my first love won't be around # # And I'm like baby, baby, baby, oh # # Like baby, baby, baby, no # # Like baby, baby, baby, oh # # I thought you'd always be mine # # I'm gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Now I'm all gone # # Gone, gone # # I'm gone ## The Biebster.
I gotta get that girl on my Cheerios.
We want in.
- In what? - The Justin Bieber Experience.
We want in the band.
- But it's a one-man band.
- So, expand.
I don't get it.
You guys were totally making fun of me for singing Bieber.
That's because we underestimated the power of the Biebs.
He's clearly like a mini-god.
Look how you made all those chicks melt in Glee Club.
- Now think about the power of four Biebers.
- We'd be unstoppable.
All of our relationships are in the standard post-Valentine's Day lull.
Are you playing Angry Birds? - Sorry.
- Want me to show you my abs? If you want to.
Here's what happens to the female chemistry.
They get a huge shot of endorphins on Valentine's Day, and everything is heightened and so romantic.
The problem is, days later, when they come down from their See's candy high they crash, and everything else by comparison is humdrum.
We need a sugary-sweet jolt of the Biebs to get us some action again.
- Why do you want in, Puckerman? - I'm at the end of my Lauren Zizes rope.
- I'll try anything to get into those enormous pants.
- Uh, what's goin' on? We're joining The Justin Bieber Experience, if Sam's cool with it.
- And if not, we're starting our own band.
- Bieber Fever.
Wait, wait.
You guys do realize that Justin Bieber sucks, right? Quinn seemed to be pretty into him when I was singing in Glee Club.
Right.
Well, I'm gonna spend my time working on songs - that aren't geared toward 12-year-olds.
- Good.
- Then you won't have time to pick up any other guys' girlfriends.
- Hey.
Back off, man.
I didn't kiss your girlfriend.
She saved my life.
So, what do you say? Are we in? Fine.
But we need to figure out something to do with Puckerman's hair.
Oh, no.
- Those are really cute.
- Thanks.
No way.
You're a genius.
They have changed my life.
I didn't know my arms could be so toasty.
You're a hero.
You should win some kind of award.
- What are you doing? - I'm so sorry, Rachel.
It just sort of caught on.
I see that.
Okay? That is not what we agreed upon.
- I want my allowance back right now.
- It's already gone.
My uncle lost his job, and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat.
I mean, sort of.
The goat just ate the money.
Okay.
The only way to proceed is for you to come to school dressed exactly like me.
- What is that look called? - Sexy schoolgirl librarian chic.
All right.
You'd better get a move on, okay? Kids "R" Us closes at 6:00 p.
m.
sharp.
Go, Brittany.
Dear journal, my lust for life is renewed.
I have found myself dropped behind enemy lines poised to destroy the Glee Club from within.
Schuester and his guidance counselor Ginger fell for my pity party hook, line and sinker.
And now I'm in and ready to sink them once and for all.
Thus begins my plan.
I will pit these Glee Clubbers against one another rupturing the group internally until it explodes like a ripe zit.
You wanted to see me? Yes.
Mercedes, have a seat.
So I've decided I'm going to sing a song in Glee Club, and I need your advice.
Now, as you may know, I have a background in music.
For a brief period, I was the tambourine player for Wilson Phillips.
What I need to learn from you is how to be a diva.
Oh.
Well, you've definitely come to the right girl.
I mean, being a diva is all about attitude, something I know you're not short on.
It's all about sassy fingers and shaking that weave and generally taking no nonsense from nobody.
Dig it, sister.
Well, I have to say I'm flattered and shocked that you came to me.
Oh, come now, Ra-chelle.
It doesn't humble me too much to say I simply need your tutelage.
Well, I'll say this.
Being a diva is all about emotion.
In fact, you feel so much emotion that it cannot be physically contained.
Sometimes you have to close your eyes and turn your head and push, push your feelings away! They're that big! Wow.
Well, that Mercedes is wrong about you.
What? - What did she say? - Oh, I don't remember the specifics.
Just something about you're not as talented as you think you are and all your ideas are horrible.
I don't know.
Something like that.
- She said what? - Yep.
Quote: "Not that talented.
" There you are.
I heard what you said about me.
I heard what you said about me.
Just when I thought we were friends.
- I guess that will just never happen, will it? - I guess not.
You know, there's only one "I" in "diva," Rachel, and that "I" is me.
Guess we're just gonna have to settle this the old-fashioned way.
- Diva-off.
- Tomorrow, Glee Club.
- Why not right now? - 'Cause I have to go get my cross-trainers.
Want to know why? I'm gonna be doing some runs.
So, Friday night I figured we'd check out the Sullivan Rink.
They have ice rink bumper cars.
I told you.
I haven't decided what I'm doing yet.
Sweet Jesus.
Who bought tickets to Crazy Town? All right.
Looks like the guys here are ready to give us their anthem.
Hey, everybody.
We are the new and improved The Justin Bieber Experience and we think this song is an anthem because everything Bieber does is epic.
- Truth.
- Anyway this song, like all the songs I sing is for my girlfriend, Quinn.
Hit it.
# Gotta, gotta keep it Feels so right # - # Gotta, gotta Gotta, gotta keep it close # - # Oh # # Feels so right # # Oh, oh For you I'd write a symphony # # I'd tell the violin it's time to sink or swim # # Watch them play for ya # - # For you I'd be # - # Whoa, whoa # # Running a thousand miles, just get to where you are # # Step to the beat of my heart # # I don't need a whole lot # # But for you I admit I'd rather give you the world # # Or we can share mine # # I know I won't be the first one giving you all this attention # # Baby, listen # # I just need somebody to love # # I don't need too much Just somebody to love # # Somebody to love # # I don't need nothing else I promise, girl, I swear # # I just need somebody to love # # I need somebody I- I need somebody # # I need somebody I- I need somebody # # Every day # # I'll bring the sun around # # I sweep away the clouds Smile for me # # I would take every second every single time # # Spend it like my last dime # # Step to the beat of my heart # # I don't need a whole lot # # But for you I admit I'd rather give you the world # # Or let you share mine # # I know I won't be the first one giving you all this attention # # Baby, listen # - # I just need somebody to love # - # No, no, no, no, no # # I don't need too much Just somebody to love # - # Somebody to love # - # Oh, I # # I don't need nothing else I promise, girl, I swear # # I just need somebody to love # # Somebody to love Somebody to love # # Oh, oh, oh # - # I need somebody # - # I swear, I just need somebody to love ## Whoo! Bieber! Nice.
Need a towel.
Hey! Uh, I actually can't do Friday.
Hey, Lauren.
So, uh, what'd you think? Honestly although my love would crush him I'm totally turned on by the Biebster.
That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12, then it's sort of creepy.
So if I were gonna give you a grade, C-plus.
Listen, Zizes.
I'm dying here.
You got me every which way, and we both know I'm not the brightest.
So, please, what do I have to do to get with you? I may have a proposition for you.
I'll keep you posted.
Color Me Mine? I'll color you yours any day.
Mmm.
Sammy Evans.
You are Biebalicious.
- How are things going with you and Quinn? - Fine.
No, they're not.
You and I should, uh, talk soon.
Sam's an artist, Finn.
An artist? I guess that's why he's taking you to Color Me Mine.
I told you I needed time to figure out what I was gonna do with Sam, and I did.
- I choose him.
- Because of The Justin Bieber Experience? Look.
I thought it was gonna be stupid too but he was so shameless.
He just got up there and owned it.
It was sexy.
I'm sorry, Finn.
But like I said, Sam's an artist and at the end of the day It really turns me on.
Do dudes ever get erections when they wrestle with you? Shut it, Puckerman.
We're here to talk business.
Sorry.
Okay.
I want to do a number for Glee Club.
It's stage one of my master plan.
Shibby.
So, what, you want me to back you up on my ax? Yeah, but I also need some advice.
I'm a little bit nervous about singing in front of a crowd.
- Up until now I've only ever really sung in the steam shower.
- Hot.
But ridiculous.
I mean, you're the most confident chick I know.
Yeah, I know I'm hot, melted butter but singing is different, and I want to be great.
Or at least as good as Berry.
I get nervous before I sing too, but I always overcome.
- You want to know my secret? - Yeah.
Oldest trick in the book.
Just picture the audience in their underwear.
- Even the dudes? - It's not about sex.
It's just about seeing the audience as more vulnerable than you.
Trust me.
It works every time.
- Can I touch your knockers now? - Only if you want to lose a hand.
But you're on your way.
Remember, I want this diva-off to be a bloodbath.
Oh, trust.
It's about to go down.
- You look amazing.
- I really do.
This look has to go viral.
Is there any way you can cut class for the rest of the day just so you could walk down the halls? Totally.
Most teachers think by cutting class I might improve my grades.
Great.
Why are you dressed like that? I thought you weren't into the Biebster.
Well, I wasn't, but then somebody told me that Justin Bieber's, like, the king of YouTube, with over a billion views.
An anthem is supposed to appeal to the masses, right? So, before I pick my anthem, I was working on my anthem look.
Okay, guys and gals.
And Sue.
It's the moment we've all been waiting for, our next diva-off.
So here they are, sure to give us a fantastic anthem, Mercedes and Rachel.
Let's give it up! After much argument, I finally convinced Mercedes that, in order to do a proper diva-off it has to come from the Broadway catalog.
Which I think is safe to say that that gives me a home field advantage.
- Oh, well, you're about to get beat on your own turf.
- Hit it.
# Yeah # # Yeah, hey # # Ooh, ooh, ooh # # Every single day I walk down the street # # I hear people say "Baby, so sweet" # # Ever since puberty everybody stares at me # # Boys, girls I can't help it, baby # # So be kind and don't lose your mind # # Just remember that I'm your baby # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # # Take me, baby # # Or leave me # # Take me, baby, or leave me # # A tiger in a cage can never see the sun # # This diva needs her stage Baby, let's have fun # # You are the one I choose # # Folks would kill to fill your shoes # # You love the limelight too now, baby # # So be mine and don't waste my time # # Cryin', " Oh, honey bear, are you still my- my- my baby?" # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # # Take me, baby, or leave me # # No way can I be what I'm not # # But hey, don't you want your girl hot? # # Don't fight Don't lose your head # # 'Cause every night who's in your bed? # # Take me for what I am # # Who I was meant to be # # And if you give a damn # - # Take me, baby # - # Oh, take me, baby # - # Or leave me # - # Or leave me # # Take me, baby # # Or leave me # # Guess I'm leaving # # I'm gone ## Oh, my God! That was so great! - No.
Her.
What about her? - No.
Her.
- Awesome.
- Hey.
Where's the hate? Not the point of Glee Club, Sue.
- I understand you wish to see me.
- Yeah, Sue.
I did.
I saw how you were in class today.
What are you doing tomorrow night? I want to take you somewhere.
No, no.
No way.
I don't care how depressed I am.
I will not date a curly.
- Not on a date, Sue.
- Still probably not gonna go.
You're interested in making your comeback, right? Well, I think it's important that you see something.
Hate 'em.
Hate hospitals, William.
That's why I keep voting for those death panels.
Sue, I know you.
You crack jokes whenever you get uncomfortable.
Not really joking, William.
And you have a penchant for sappy scenarios set to music so I demand to know where we're going.
We're going to the pediatric cancer ward.
No, no, no.
Once a month, I come down here - and I sing songs with some of the kids getting long-term care.
- Yep, no.
No.
Sue.
Uh, William, I know what you're getting at.
I have been selfish.
Yes, I was ridiculed on the national stage, but you're right.
It's nothing when you compare it to what many people have to deal with and come back from.
I should be grateful.
Well, congratulations.
I've learned my lesson.
Then let's celebrate.
Let's sing with some kids.
Look.
You're right.
Sometimes Glee Club is a little silly.
But we push through the weird to get to the real stuff.
I mean, music can get at a part of us that's hard to open up to.
But, please go there with me.
I think it'll be good for you, Sue.
No outfits.
No jazz hands.
Just music.
Fine.
And, William, I don't care how adorable those kids are.
If I hear one song from that classic rock outfit Journey I will start pulling catheters.
Come on.
Bailey.
Hi, guys! - Hi, Will.
- Oh, hey.
My man.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
You're Sue Sylvester.
I just saw you on TV.
- Oh.
- Hey, guys.
This lady was interviewed by Katie Couric.
Holy sweet baby Jesus.
What do you say, guys? You ready to make some music? - Yeah! - Yeah! Let's do this thing.
Brought my special little guy with me.
- Yeah! - Yeah! All right! All right.
And that's all there is to it.
- So, does everyone know their parts? - Yes.
- Sue? - My kids are gonna mop the floor with your kids.
Not a chance.
All right.
I'm gonna sing the first two and, uh, then you guys come in and join me, just like we practiced.
- All right? - Okay.
# This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine # Hide it under a bushel.
# Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Hide it under a bushel No! # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # This little light of mine # # I'm gonna let it shine # # Let it shine, Let it shine, Let it shine ## - Aw.
- Give yourselves a hand.
All right.
Good job.
I'll never forgive you for this.
Deal.
Look, Q.
I know that we've had our differences, but I can't lie.
- That outfit is amazing on you.
- It looks good on everyone.
- Penny loafers and tights- genius.
- Outrageous.
I mean, my carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler but no, I look hot and smart.
I feel like Michelle Obama.
Oh, my God.
You guys look amazing.
Seriously.
She's a genius and an icon.
Who is? Brittany.
Who did you think? Who knew that taking off that Cheerios uniform would turn her into a fashion institution.
Is this a joke? No.
That sweater is.
Who wears a reindeer sweater? Uh, all three of you.
No.
This is a carousel horse.
If you want to know what to wear, just look to Brittany.
Look.
She took the look from me, okay? - I paid her.
- You're a terrible liar, Rachel.
I can't believe you would take this away from poor Brittany.
It's sad.
You're just sad.
Hey! I need to talk to you.
I want my money back.
Well, I used it to pay a publicist.
- What? - Jacob Ben Israel posted a photo and this Web site called The Sartorialist named me the Trendiest Girl in America.
Brittany, I'm trying to stage a comeback here.
Okay, but what exactly are you coming back from? - L- - Listen, Rachel.
I'm gonna give you some tough love right now.
You're not a trendsetter.
When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing.
They see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.
I'm really sorry, but I have to go.
I have an interview with Teen Vogue.
All right.
Let's get right down to it.
Starting us off, and making her New Directions solo debut, Miss Lauren Zizes.
Whoo, ooh! So what are you gonna sing for us, Lauren? Here's how I see it.
I know I'm the hottest bitch in this joint.
If I was a country, my flag would be a big fist giving the rest of the world a finger - and this would be my national anthem.
- Okay.
Puckerman, grab your guitar.
Tina, Brittany, ready? Good.
Awesome.
Supercool.
Okay.
Two, three, four.
# I know what boys like # # I know what guys want # # I see them looking # # I make them want me # # I like to tease them # # I know what boys like # # Boys like # # Boys like me # # I see you're sad now # # I will let you # # Sorry I teased you # # I will let you # # This time I mean it # # I will let you # # Anything you want # # You can trust me # # I really want to # # You can trust me # # How would you like it? # # You can trust me # # Sucker! # # I got my cat moves # # That so upset them # # Zippers and buttons # # Fun to frustrate them # # They get so angry # # Like pouty children # # Denied their candy # # I laugh right at them # - # I know what boys like # - Whoo! # Boys like # # Boys like me ## Whoo! Ow! How fricking hot is she? What was that? This morning I woke up and decided to swallow the sun.
That's my James Earl Jones impression.
First of all, that is offensive.
He shot Martin Luther King.
Obi-Wan never told you what happened to your father.
Okay, you know what? Let's just cut to the chase.
Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is, like, way off you still somehow manage to be cute.
But make no mistake.
Every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression, or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork.
Which is where I come in.
I hereby offer my services as a mistress.
I wants on them froggy lips, and I wants on 'em now.
- But I'm dating Quinn.
- And this just in: She cheated on you.
- No, she didn't.
- Look.
I know you're as dumb as a bag of wet hair but you know in your heart she's lying.
That gum ball story was insane.
You're choosing to believe it so you can still be with her.
But consider my offer.
Not only am I giving you full visitation rights to the set of rambunctious twins that live on my rib cage you get the chance to show that pastry bag Finn that he can't mess with Sam Evans.
And not just because you can unlock your humongous jaw and swallow him whole like a python but because you have some buzz at this school.
Think about it.
Will, you have a problem.
You? No.
Your Glee kids.
They have no comprehension skills.
Your assignment was anthems and I'll be damned as your hairdresser if any of them sung a single one.
Sue, are you trying to tell me that you want to perform an anthem? Well, I'll admit that, uh, your little field trip to the house of sad inspired me a bit.
But I'm not gonna go it alone.
The whole crew has to sing it with me.
And here's the catch: No more Bieber.
No hoodies.
No pocket lesbian Bieber hair.
Well, that can be arranged.
What's your song? # Sing it out # # Boy, you've got to see what tomorrow brings # # Sing it out # # Girl, you've got to be what tomorrow needs # # For every time that they want to count you out # # And use your voice # - # Ooh # - # Every single time # # You open up your mouth # # Sing it for the boys # # Sing it for the girls # # Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world # # Sing it from the heart Sing it till you're nuts # # Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts # # Sing it for the deaf Sing it for the blind # # Sing about everyone that you left behind # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # Cleaned up Corporation progress # # Dying in the process # # Buy yourself the motivation Generation nothing # # Nothing but a dead scene Product of a white dream # # I am not the singer that you wanted but a dancer # # I refuse to answer Talk about the passer # # Ruling for the ones who want to get away # # Keep runnin' # # Sing it for the boys Sing it for the girls # # Every time that you lose it, sing it for the world # # Sing it from the heart Sing it till you're nuts # # Sing it out for the ones that'll hate your guts # # Sing it for the deaf Sing it for the blind # # Sing about everyone that you left behind # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # We've got to see what tomorrow brings # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world # # Boy, you've got to be what tomorrow needs # # Sing it for the world Sing it for the world ## Whoo! Yeah! Hey.
Do you think I could borrow one of your T-shirts to use as a smock tonight at Color Me Mine? I kind of have a thing for wearing my boyfriend's shirts.
We're not going to Color Me Mine.
And I'm not your boyfriend.
Wait.
Why? Because you can't look me in the eye right now and tell me that you didn't make out with Finn.
I want to be with you, Sam.
Forget it, okay? No harm, no foul.
Oei ngati kameie.
Crap.
Santana told me to stop speaking Na'vi.
Since when is Santana telling you what to do? Since we started going out.
# I thought you'd always be mine # # I'm gone ## - When did that happen? - All right.
I hate to say it, but I think we all owe Sue a big thank-you.
She may hate us, but she did give us a kick-butt song for regionals.
- Yeah, she did.
- Yeah.
- That's right.
- That's right.
Mr.
Schuester, I think that our admiration for Coach Sylvester might just be a little premature.
While I love My Chemical Romance, and I think we all kicked butt on that number as our team leader and arbiter of all that is good I have to say that I don't think that that song is good enough for regionals.
The Warblers have Kurt and Blaine as their, like, one-two punch and Aural Intensity kicked our butt last year.
We can't just do any song to beat either of those teams.
You mean a number where you don't get to sing the entire song.
- Guys, this isn't about me.
- What do you suggest, Rachel? We need to be bold and epic.
We need to write our own original music for regionals.
We need an undisputable advantage.
Check out dwarf Diane Warren.
Look.
We can't lose regionals again this year, you guys.
Okay? You have to trust me.
I feel really, really strongly about this.
Let's put it to a vote.
Okay, Rachel? All those in favor of doing an original song? Chemical Romance? - Hey there, buddy.
- Sue.
You know, I have to be honest.
We missed you in here today.
- Mmm.
- Oddly, you're, uh, kind of a fun addition.
Oh, Will.
Charles Manson would have been a fun addition to your pack of losers.
Well, looks like you're back to your old self.
Ah, hardly.
I'm on my way to becoming someone much better.
You've inspired me, Will.
You've made me realize I have more to offer the world than coming up with spectacular life-threatening cheerleading tumbles.
I got the music in me.
Sue, that is great.
I mean, with that attitude you are welcome in here anytime.
Oh, I couldn't do that.
It'd be spying on the competition.
What? No one told you? I got a part-time gig.
Yeah, I'm the new coach for Aural Intensity.
That's impossible.
Oh, nothing's impossible, Will, when you have a positive attitude.
You taught me that.
Isn't it great? Geez, I got my mojo back still get to dedicate my life to destroying yours.
Life's good.
See you at regionals.
- You must be happy.
- Why is that? Quinn's back on the market.
I mean, she'll be easy pickings after what Sam did to her.
I don't want to talk about Quinn.
I want to talk about you.
You were right in there today about that number not being good enough to win.
We need to write our own songs.
Why didn't you say that when I needed you? It wouldn't have made a difference.
The only way to prove it to those guys is to write a great song and shove it down their throats.
Well, do you think that you and I should do it together? No, I think you should do it yourself.
Let's face it.
You're the real trendsetter in there and if someone was gonna write a song to win regionals, it would be you.
You really believe in me that much? More.
You know I really like the Rachel that I saw in there today.
Reminded me of the old you.
Focused and take no prisoners.
I think she might be making a comeback.
English - US - SDH