Happy Endings s02e13 Episode Script

Yes! I cannot wait for Valentine's day to be over.
Things with that guy Reed are not great, at best, but I can't break up with him until I'm out of the window.
- The window? - Yeah, the breakup window The period of time around major events and holidays when you can't dump someone.
Ohh.
I made that mistake once.
Dumped a girl too close to her grandpa dying.
It was like "I'm out!" - I ran.
- So Now I have to wait a whole week.
Oh, yet you're still gonna bleed him for the fancy dinner and the present.
Yeah, for his sake.
I mean, the guy is just, like, really annoying.
He's a winker.
You have got the softest skin.
Wait.
Wait.
I do have the softest skin, or I don't have the softest skin? The wink is making it unclear.
It is very soft.
It's like butter, and I know because I'm comparing them right now.
Weird.
I had this exact same dream last night, but it wasn't butter.
Well, I've got to get to gettin'.
Planning some Valentine's day surprises for my Jane.
Are you kidding? You can't surprise that woman.
Birthday.
- Surprise! - Aah! Did you think we were trying to attack you with a birthday cake?! Hell of a party.
Hell of a party.
Look, guys.
I know my own damn wife, all right? I got it covered.
Before you go, I do want to confirm that everyone will be using my limousine services for Valentine's night.
- Mm.
- It's a big cash grab for daddy.
Dave, can I pencil you in for an 8:00 pickup? Not gonna be needing daddy.
I'll be staying in.
Consider yourself penciled.
Nope.
I will be preparing a 5-course meal for Lindsay.
- The crazy sex girl? - Ooh.
You know it! And if the sex is crazy on a regular day Imagine what the V.
D.
sex is gonna be like.
V.
D.
sex! Boom! Boom! Boom I get it.
You're not bumping me because I said "V.
D.
" No.
We're not bumping you 'cause we're not Howie Mandel.
- High five! - No.
- Handshake! - I don't like it.
How about a high school jock-nod? - Okay.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- I can do that.
- I can do that.
- Mm.
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo.
- Yo, yo.
- Hey, yo, Rakim! - Hey, yo.
Yo, yo! - Hey, yo! - Hey, yo, what's up?! - Yo.
Yo.
- Yo, yo! - Yo, my man.
- Yo.
- What up, Goldberg? - Yo.
I love St.
Valentine's day.
You know, Valentine's day was invented by corporations just to get people to buy stuff.
Come on, Jane.
You have no holiday spirit.
You said the same thing about St.
Patrick's day and vienna beef presents national hot dog day.
That is not a real holiday.
It was on a calendar printed on a place mat at a hot dog stand.
All right.
You win, but Saint Valentine is real.
It's a myth.
Valentinius Valentine was a 9th-century prussian martyr who, after being ordained at Saint Stanislaus church in Schleswig-holstein, roamed the black forest in search of his long-lost love, Arbenus Sibonchka.
Wow.
When you're actually interested in something You're kinda scary.
Not as scary as what the romans did to Saint Valentine.
Hint they ripped him tip to taint, but if you really believe in him, he will help you find love, and this year, he's gonna help me.
- Mm.
One of my favorite customers invited me to a St.
Valentine's day singles party.
Yeah.
I bet you are gonna find the man of your dreams at "Captain Danny's balls-to-the-wall v-day keg race in little Chechnya.
" - You never know.
- No.
So have you guys decided what sweet, sweet limo package you're gonna grab for V-day? I got the lovers' package.
That's $69.
I got the romance package.
That's $69.
I got the fantasy package.
So they're all $69? Uh, no.
The spa package happens to be more expensive.
I thought we agreed that one didn't work.
Ohh! Buddy, that is the finest mobile spa experience you're gonna have for $169.
Do you guys mind? I'm on a call.
It's our apartment.
Shh! Hey, Reed.
I know.
I'm so bummed I can't see you until v-day.
No, I'm not.
No, she's not.
- Tonight - Ooh-Ga Booga Does not work, unfortch.
I'm too busy picking out the perfect present for you.
No, I'm not.
- No, she's not.
- Tomorrow? Oh, I hate this.
I've got a friend in town.
- No, she doesn't.
- Okay.
- Bye! - Oh, I feel bad for that guy.
He's probably planning this great night for you, and you're just stringing him along until you dump him.
What? No.
No, I'm just respecting the breakup window.
And I bought him a very cute scarf.
Oh.
Lindsay and I were supposed to go see a movie, but she just canceled.
That's cool.
Gives me time to design our v-day menu, and you know I'm gonna kick it off with a scrimp cocktail, son.
Oh, you gots to open with the scrimp.
- You gots to open with the scrimp! - Look at this.
- I'm scrimp-walkin'.
- Scrimp-walkin'.
- I'm scrimp-walkin'.
- Wait, wait, wait.
So Lindsay just canceled? That seems odd.
Okay.
I see where you're getting at, but not everybody is as terrible a person as you, Penny, all due respect.
Plus we're still having brunch tomorrow, so Oh, of course you are.
No, they're not.
No, they're not.
Penny, come on.
That is rude.
- Yeah.
- Dave and Lindsay are fine.
- They are - Rock solid.
- Shh.
Shh.
- I'm standing right here, guys.
That only works when you're on the phone.
Right.
Surprise! Aah! Ow! Damn it! Sorry.
I'm sorry.
You know I hate surprises, though.
Yeah.
It's my fault.
Totally my fault that you hit me in the face, which is why I made a list of surprises I'm gonna be surprising you with for Valentine's day.
This is the best surprise ever Although I could have used a heads-up on this.
Yes.
How did you get a table at tableau? - Yeah.
- That place is harder to get into - Than obvious joke here - Yeah.
The new alt comedy club downtown.
Yeah, babe.
I'm pulling out all the stops.
I got a new suit, stocked up on Michael Jordan cologne, and I'm gonna hit up the dentist to get my chompin' stones polished for my lady.
You do love the dentist.
Hey, I'm the perfect patient.
Never had a cavity.
- Never even had plaque - Mnh-mnh.
Except for that plaque they gave me for never having plaque.
That is a pretty sweet plaque plaque.
- Ohh.
- What else is on here? Oh.
"Put on some D'angelo, then whip out my 'P'angelo.
'" What's that part of it? - That's, uh, that's my my personal notes.
- Okay.
Well, not gonna lie.
This lovers' special is not moving the kinda units I was expecting.
"Beef hearts and hearts of palm on a hearty roll.
" Real talk? Your truck's not great.
Lindsay just canceled brunch.
Hmm.
Hmm, hmm, hmm.
So she canceled the movie yesterday, and then she canceled brunch today.
It sounds to me and I'm just putting this together like your lady's really respecting the breakup window.
No way.
No, no.
It's just work's been very crazy, and she had to pick up a present for me, and she's got a friend coming into town.
Oh, boy.
Let's face it.
No one has ever had a friend in town.
Yeah, but what about the fancy dinner I planned? Well, this does not feel good.
Ooh.
"Ooh"? I think you mispronounced "ahh.
" - You have a cavity.
- Pfft! - Right.
- A cavity.
Good one, doc.
That's hilarious! It's no big deal.
I'm just gonna give you a tiny shot of novocain so I can drill that cavity out.
- Are you serious?! - Yes.
No! No, no, no.
I don't do drills or shots.
I can't do pain, okay? Give me the goof juice.
Just give me the goof juice, and don't be bashful.
Put me all the way under, all the way under.
I won't get mad if I make in my pants.
Seriously.
I won't sue if I poo.
Ooh.
Your grandma's stuff is so fancy.
Wasn't she, like, a big party girl back in the day? Oh, yeah.
J.
F.
K.
once called her "a real Chicago slut.
" Why are you always so proud of that? It's Camelot, bro.
Ahem.
- Ohh! Ha-cha-cha! - Whoa! Grandma's lucky dress and fur.
Better hope there's not a black light at that party.
Oh, you guys.
I don't know how I'm gonna spend an entire night alone with the winker.
I bet you guys end up together.
You can be his Arbenus Sibonchka.
His what? Okay, let's get out of here, you little weirdo.
You wanna walk out with us? Uh, no.
Brad needs me out of the house.
He's gonna surprise me with champagne, candlelight, and a horse-drawn carriage.
We are gonna live it up tonight.
We've lost him.
I think we gave him too many drugs.
We found him.
Yes! Ohh! These dinosaurs are awesome.
Dude, how high are you right now? Aah! Aah! I'm so excited about tonight.
Oh, the the partition's so rude.
Hey, guys.
Let's make this a group hang.
Jump on back here.
Let's play risk or something.
Help me.
No problem, friend.
And for just under 70 bucks, I can throw in the romantic music package, which includes such hits as extreme's "more than words.
" - I secretly love that song.
- Who doesn't? It's two men playing acoustic guitar at each other.
Oh, wait.
Max, I think this is where my party is.
Are you sure, Al? This is a pretty nasty part of town.
The guy I sell my gray water to lives around here.
No.
This is it.
- Don't go! - Have fun.
- Thank you, sir.
- Uh, you're welcome, madam.
Al, why don't you join us for dinner? Or we could call it an early night.
I'm pretty Ty-Ty.
- I just pounded a 5-hour.
- Ohh.
Sorry, Pen, but I am on a love mission, courtesy of Saint Valentine, and even though his mission ended in a beating so savage that two of his tormentors committed suicide at the scene, I'm hoping for a different outcome.
Bye! Wait.
Where is this place? Oh.
Oh.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Are you looking for a party? Yeah.
How about downtown? What? Step away from the car.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not a whore.
Happy Valentine's day.
Oh.
Are you not ready yet? I'm ready.
Let's do this thang! Oh.
Oh, David.
Are those for me? Nope.
Oh.
Okay.
So how was your week? Sorry I haven't seen you.
It's been, like, crazy.
Oh, me, too.
Totally crazy.
Went out a ton, met up with my old drum circle, so the Yewzh.
- Okay.
Ooh, yum.
- Shrimp.
Ah, ah, ah! Those are not for you.
Oh.
So what's for our dinner? Well, most people say to eat light on V-day 'cause you're gonna nude up soon.
I say, phooey.
Beans.
Hope you like beans, Lindsay.
Uh, like I, um Thanks for picking me up from jail, Max.
No problem.
I just gotta pick up one more couple, then I'll take you to your party.
Oh, no.
It's cool.
After getting mistaken for a whore, it made me realize something.
That your grandmother was a whore.
No! That tonight is not about me finding love.
It's about helping other people find love.
That's what Saint Valentine did after the tragic death of Arbenus Sibonchka.
- What? - Well, you guessed it.
She was driven off a cliff by wild boars.
Hello, fine gents.
How are you on this fine Eve what? I'm trying to help people find love.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
Alex, that's my ex, grant.
- I remember him.
- He's so cute.
What happened to you guys? - He dumped me - A year ago today! On Valentine's day?! That's why you hate Saint Valentine.
- Why do you keep gasping? - I don't know.
- Do you have asthma? - No.
Are you sure? Babe, why don't you let me take over on the dipping? Ah.
No? You go in here.
Oh.
Wow.
Getting your whole Hand in there.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Yay.
Hey, where did my strawberry go? Sweetie, you don't have to do this.
Where did you go, man? Okay, you should probably just go to bed.
You know, the doctor said he's surprised you're alive.
Got my third wind.
- Ah.
- Yeah.
Oh, what time is it? - Oh.
- We gotta go.
Max is gonna pick us up and take us to tableau in his limo.
- Right.
- Oh.
- Fourth wind! Valentine's day is the best day to do whites.
No one's using the machines.
What is your deal? You said we were gonna have a beautiful dinner, then go for a limo ride.
Instead you made beans, you did your laundry, and you spent 45 minutes photographing your game genie for an Ebay auction.
Lindsay, I know about the breakup window.
What are you talking about? Oh, come on.
"Work was crazy.
" Then you said you had to pick up a present for me.
Then you said you had a friend in town.
Nobody ever has a friend in town.
Work has been crazy, and I do have a friend in town, and we were gonna give you your dream gift.
- Oh.
- A sit-down with Guy Fieri? No, Dave.
A threesome.
Ah Oh! Gotcha! - You guys.
- I had you going.
I had you going.
I was kidding! You got faced! You got faced! You must feel so stupid right now.
Yeah, real stupid.
Listen, I've got something serious to tell both of you.
What? Please let me do it.
Please.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Good-bye, Dave.
- Ow.
- No, no.
- Bye-bye.
Please.
Aah.
Ohh.
Oh, my God.
So grant dumped you on Valentine's day? What did you do? Nothing.
Literally nothing.
Happy Valentine's day.
Were we supposed to hang out today? I double-booked you and this pizza.
So you took grant for granted? Oh, God.
That made me sad when you said that.
Well, it's the truth.
No, how you said it made me sad, but will you do me a favor? Will you go let them out so that I don't have to see him, please? You like him, you really like him What? That is so - Me? - Yeah.
Just a little.
- Care? - Yeah.
About anything ever, especially something emotional I don't care about at all? Does this look like me, or does it look like somebody else? I think I can get away with it.
Maybe an accent.
All right.
Thank you very much, gentlemen, for choosing this particular unlicensed limousine company for your Valentine's day.
Max? Hey.
Grant.
Happy Valentine's day.
Clark, this is Max.
Oh, great.
Another guy you know.
I feel like I'm always swimming upstream against a steady current of your ex-boyfriends.
It's like I'm a gay salmon fighting for my life in a river of bears.
More of a cub, but Sorry you had to see that mixed metaphor.
Our, uh Our relationship has been really touch and go lately.
He, uh, he touches me, and I go, "stop touching me.
" Sorry you had to hear that, too.
Well, I mean, he seems nice.
Uh, he's taking you out on Valentine's day.
That's better than the last chump you dated.
Yeah.
Hey, good to see you, Max.
You, uh, you, too, man.
Happy Valentine's day.
Whoo! I knew it.
You are the one that's supposed to find love on Valentine's day.
Al, he's literally with another guy.
Okay, someone needs to find love tonight, or I'll freak.
Guys, you know how I was gonna dump Reed? Well, he just dumped me.
I mean, he said I had this quirk that he just couldn't stand.
I hate how you abbreviate everything.
People love my abbreves.
They're cute.
Penny, you asked my aunt how she was feeling after her "full hysterecto.
" I was trying to keep the vibe light.
Look, I wanted to wait to break up with you 'cause, you know, the window, but I just can't.
I'm sorry, Penny.
Wait, so Are we actually done or I'm confused.
And then he said he hates when I say "amahzing," but I've barely said that at all this season.
You mean winter? Yeah.
It's more of a summer word.
All right, well, we all struck out, okay, but we are on our way to pick up Dave and his girl, so let's just rejoice in his love.
- Ugh.
- Ugh.
Well, I just blew a threesome.
We talking two v's, one "d," or two d's, one "v"? Two v's, Penny.
Two v's.
You and your stupid breakup window.
It's a thing! But I'm sorry, Dave.
I know this has been something you've wanted for a long time.
I mean, your first e-mail address was threesomechaser@ pulaskihillsmiddleschool.
ed It sure was.
Thanks for understanding.
All right.
All right, so it didn't work out for me, you, Dave, or Max, but I think Saint Valentine is gonna come through for Brad and Jane.
Whoo! Oh, snap! We in a limo Hey.
Ross.
Rachel.
Phoebe.
- Fat Joey.
- I love you guys.
Brad went to the dentist today.
Got rip high.
- Ohh.
- Poor guy.
It's like "weekend at Bernie Mac's" back here.
Wait.
So your date was also a bust? Oh, God.
I guess Saint Valentine isn't real.
Mm.
Oh, it's grant.
"So much for Clark.
Another Valentine's day ruined, thanks to you.
X.
O.
" "X.
O.
"?! Faith restored! Saint Valentine is gonna work his love magic For you and grant.
Guys, don't you see? Max and grant are the ones who are supposed to find love.
Come on.
Let's go get him.
For love.
I can't just go get him.
The whole reason that he broke up with me was 'cause I blew it on Valentine's day.
What am I gonna do, go win him back with more nothing? I know a horsey! Okay.
I bet you do.
Don't patronize me, Monica.
Okay.
That's it.
We are gonna get you grant.
For love.
Step on it! Whoa.
Ohh! Whoo-whoo! Max.
Hi.
Uh I just I'm so bad at apologies.
I mean, so bad.
Often they're followed by a second apology, which is then followed by an apology text, and in one case, a large cash settlement.
I just want to say I'm sorry, grant, about everything, and, um Happy Valentine's day.
I thought you hated Valentine's day.
I did, but I just thought, maybe with the right guy, it would be kind of okay, you know, and, uh Since Dennis farina is straight I thought, why don't you and I hang out? I got you this.
It's a scarf.
Whoops.
Let's do it.
- Whoa-ho-ho! - Saying I love you We got the horsies Right hea! We should go because this is a bit of a fire hazard.
I-I'm just gonna blow these out.
You guys, stop.
We'll do that.
Max, you guys get in.
Here.
Fellas, enjoy this, and enjoy our reservation at tableau.
- Ohh.
- It's gonna take you forever to get there, But at least it'll smell better than Max's limo.
Thanks.
Oh, you know, I wouldn't actually touch those blankets.
I hear bums have sex in these things when they're parked in the park, you know I'll sh I'll shut up.
Yah! Aw! We did it! I just want to give all of you guys a big hug right now Something the real Saint Valentine couldn't do after the romans ripped his arms and legs off.
They really went hard at that guy.
Was there anything left of him? Yeah.
His heart, which they skewered and publically displayed in the town's center, and that is why the heart is the symbol of Saint Valentine's day.
Aw! What should we do now? Let's get drunk.