Hot In Cleveland s02e13 Episode Script

"Hot in Cleveland" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Happy shared fake-birthday everyone! Happy birthday.
So what are we geting each other for our fake birthday this year? We're getting each other dates.
Just like we did last year.
But last year was a disaster.
I still haven't recovered from my fix-up with Chester.
You know, with the man boobs.
I hear he's married now and has a baby.
Hmm.
I wonder who's feeding it.
We're getting each other dates.
And here's who I want.
Jack Huntington? Wow, he's handsome.
And rich.
I'm steering my boat in a whole new direction- hot and loaded.
So it's really over with Max? He hooked up with a younger woman.
Some 80-year-old bimbo.
Apparently, she fawns all over him.
Why are men such suckers for women who are dumb and adoring? I don't know, but that's exactly how I'm gonna be to get Jack.
So hook me up, bony-maroni.
You know what, I want to go another way too.
Can you find me somebody laid-back? Maybe with a beard, long hair.
I've never had that before.
I know just the fella.
Well, if we're picking what kind of men we want, I've always had a thing for Robert De Niro.
I hear he only digs black chicks.
Well, then, find me a man who's like De Niro, but fancies pasty, white women.
Oh, mix in a bit of Pacino, add a hint of Seinfeld for laughs.
Ooh, and a dash of Sean Connery circa 1968.
Done.
Really? I mean, how on earth- Buh-buh-buh.
Done.
And as for me, Melanie, my requirements are simple.
No man boobs.
Nothing abnormally large or small.
No third anything.
Just your run-of-the-mill, rich, handsome man.
So how old are we turning this year? How about 42? That sounds good to me.
Oh, I can't pass for 42.
Put me down for 50.
Elka, what have we said about using the "F" word? To review, if any one of us needs help, we use our fake laugh.
But I'm in bimbo mode.
I'll be fake-laughing all night.
Oh, Jack.
You're so handsome and smart.
I got this.
His assistant said he was running a little late.
He's flying in from Cincinnati.
Private plane.
I didn't know he was that rich.
Maybe I better go dumber.
Oh, Joy, there's your date.
That's him? The guy in the brown shirt, brown pants, and brown shoes? Please tell me he's not as dull as he looks.
Oh, Kenny, this is Joy.
Hi, Kenny.
Hi, nice to meet you.
Funny thing, I don't usually go out on a Tuesday night.
Usually Thursdays.
Although today feels something like a Wednesday.
Probably because Monday was a holiday.
I'm sorry.
I'm being rude.
What day does it feel like to you? Longest day of my life.
Why don't you find us a table, - and I'll be right there.
- Sure.
You waited until the last minute again, didn't you? Waited till the last minute,yes, and found the wrong guy,no.
Now why don't you go over there and find out what Brown can do for you.
Oh, Victoria, there's your date at the end of the bar.
His name is Timothy.
He's a benefactor at the Museum of Modern Art.
And, check it, no man cleavage.
Sold.
Oh, here comes your date.
Dr.
Doug.
Jesus.
Cute, huh? No.
He looks like Jesus.
Elka, I can't date Jesus.
That's a sin.
And if it isn't, it should be.
Relax.
If you don't like him, it'll be your last supper.
Hey, Elka.
Oh, you must be Melanie.
- I'm Doug.
- Hi.
He's a holistic veterinarian.
Animals come to him crippled and sick, and he heals 'em all.
Wow, you sound like a miracle worker.
Well, I guess I just have the touch.
Uh, shall we find a table? Oh, that one over there looks free.
Sure.
Great.
I'll be right there.
Thanks.
Oh.
Okay.
Probably doesn't look anything like Jesus, right? I'm just freaking out over nothing.
Oh, dear lord.
Hi, I'm Roy.
You ready to order? Not just yet.
I'm waiting for my date.
Oh, good, 'cause my feet are killing me.
First night on the job.
I don't really need the money, but I just wanted to get out of the house, try something new.
So what's your story? I'm turning fake 50 today.
Whoa-ho! Well, you don't look a day over fake 45.
So who'd keep a gorgeous creature like you waiting? A gorgeous creature like him.
Oh.
That's what you go for.
Pretty boys.
- Elka? - Jack? Sorry I'm late, darling, but there was a lot of traffic.
On the road or in the sky? Actually both.
Oh, Jack, you are so smart and handsome.
And you are so delightful.
We'll have a bottle of Dom Perignon and some zucchini sticks.
Oh, you speak both French and Italian.
And I'm the only one that realized they hung the Rothko upside-down.
Excuse me, would you mind scooching down a stool? My date and I would like to sit together.
No problem.
I'm sorry, I forgot to introduce you.
Victoria, this is my brother, Richard.
An upside-down Rothko.
Siamese twins? No way.
Are you sure? Oh, I'm sure.
My siamese twins-dar has never let me down.
Victoria, I had no idea.
I met Timothy at a benefit at the art museum, and it was super crowded.
We were packed in like sardines.
I mean, it could have been a convention of siamese twins for all I knew.
At least you got a shot at one of your dates being interesting.
Maybe my date could part them.
He's Jesus, not Moses.
All right, Melanie, I don't care how crowded it was.
How could you not have noticed this? I was a little busy looking for men without breasts.
It's harder than you think in Cleveland.
Oh, well, I guess I better get up.
This guy's a riot.
This guy? I told him someone just took the last order of salmon.
Listen to this.
You're out of order, I'm out of order.
This whole restaurant's out of order.
Al Pacino.
That's fantastic.
Do you mean it, Moneypenny? Or are you just blowing smoke up my kilt? Now he's James Bond.
This guy.
My God, you're amazing.
How long have you been doing impressions? Well, I started when I was 10 or 11.
No, no, no, I was 10.
See, this is easy, because I was in fifth grade, and when you're in kindergarten, you're five.
And then you add five.
Yeah, that's 10.
And that's when I started doing impressions and monster model making.
My best one's Frankenstein.
Hey, Kenny, what if Robert De Niro liked to build models of Frankenstein? Look at me, huh? I am the Frankenstein monster, huh? I have bolts in my little neck.
I am electric and scary.
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
What if De Niro, Pacino, and Sean Connery were all fighting over who got to marry me? Let's do this the Chicago way.
No, we're gonna do it my way.
You're gonna marry me, Joy.
Hoo-ah! Hey, are you gonna marry me? 'Cause I'm the only one here, so you must be marrying me.
I was born in a small town in Pennsylvania.
You've probably never heard of it.
Bethlehem? Latrobe.
Can I refill your wine? Yes, please.
Oh, it seems we're out of wine.
There's plenty more where that came from.
Of course there is.
It is so exciting for a girl like I to be out with someone in the tire business.
Well, it's exciting for me to be out with someone who gets how exciting it is.
It's exciting for a waiter like I to be delivering your bread.
Ooh, what a big watch.
You must have very strong wrists.
You know, actually, there's a story that goes with this.
This is- it's a Rolex president.
It was a gift from Jack Kennedy.
Yeah, there was a time we were known as the two Jacks at certain watering holes on the Cape.
I bet all the girls liked you best.
Well, he did have the bad back, though.
I know.
So Melanie really never mentioned that Richard and I are conjoined? You know, she probably did, and I just forgot.
Well, I watch your show, Oh, hi! Ohio! All the time.
I love the way you always say exactly what you're thinking.
Oh, not always.
You know, Richard and I have a pretty compelling story.
Oh, really, what is it? Oh, yes, of course.
I've been divorced twice, no kids.
Shooting blanks.
It's a sperm thing.
That's too bad.
But you know what I wonder- how Jerry Seinfeld might feel about having a low sperm count.
What I want to know is this, who's actually counting the sperm? This is not a good job.
Your mother can't brag to her friends about it.
"Fellas, have you met my son? "He counts sperm.
We're very proud.
" Now do Robin Williams without sperm.
Oh, my goodness.
You're not gonna believe- oh, they're gone.
Help me.
Okay.
Look, I couldn't help overhearing you two as I was taking a break with this nice couple who obviously belong together, as opposed to you two, who I would call a bad fit.
Aren't you our waiter? I was also a guidance counselor for many years.
Son, she's only after you for your impressions.
How dare you.
Tell him off.
As William Shatner.
As I used to tell my students, you got to apply to the school that's gonna let you in.
But she's so pretty.
Oh, she's a doll.
But the girl at the bar isn't bad either, and she appears to have a very loose admissions policy.
Wait, you can't take my date away from me.
Can you honestly say you're interested in him? Yes, I find him charming and attractive.
- When he's him? - No.
Oh, fine, go.
Come on.
I'll introduce you to her.
Why must love be so complicated? Why must our planet be filled with beautiful women who exist simply to break our hearts? Wait! Wait, now I want you back! Well, now I don't even have a date.
The waiter fixed him up with someone else.
I wish he'd break up my date with Jesus.
I'd break up with him myself, but he'd just show up three days later.
Do we really want to play who has the worst date? Because I am on a date with conjoined twins.
I'll bet man boobs are looking pretty good to you right now.
Look, if I can suck it up with Jesus- Oh, God, that just sounds so wrong- can't you just stick it out with Timothy? I am on a date with conjoined twins.
But he's a really nice guy.
I am on a date with conjoined twins.
I know.
But still they're human beings.
Are they human beings or human being? 'Cause I really don't know.
My date's going great.
He thinks I'm an idiot.
I'm going home.
Oh, no, no, wait, wait, wait, no.
You're dateless, and I have two dates.
Oh, please, please, come and sit with me.
You can be the fourth wheel or the third and a half wheel.
I just- I really don't know.
Since it looks like we're not going to be having dinner here, how about we take a drive up to my lake house? I'll have my private chef whip us up a little something special.
Everything you say is so interesting.
Oh, boy, you guys must be starving.
Never mind.
Just bring us the check, please.
We're going back to my place.
Oh.
Might want to fix your hair first.
Why, what's wrong? Let me put it this way.
The 'do's getting a little bit trumpy.
Elka, if you'll excuse me, I have to take care of something.
Nobody look.
Nobody look, please.
What are you doing? You know, I've seen girls like you playing dumb to get the boy, and you know what happens? You end up pregnant, and there's no graduation gown in the world can cover it.
You know, in some ways, this isn't any of your business.
Well, in some way, it is.
I see a sadness behind your eyes.
And I know because I see the same thing when I look into a mirror.
I lost my wife recently.
That's why I'm out doing this thing.
What did you lose? I lost my Max.
Cancer? Worse.
Florida.
You know, Max and I met right at this exact spot a year ago.
I know it hurts, but jumping to the next guy isn't gonna make it any better.
Sometimes you got to sit with the pain.
So you can never fly first class? No, the arm rests only go up in coach.
Oh, that is so sad.
I love England.
I get to drive there.
Oh, right.
- You're reading Yeats.
- Mm.
"Now that my ladder is gone, I must lie down where all ladders start.
" "In the foul rag-and-bone shop of the heart.
" Oh.
So on Facebook, one page or two? I'm really enjoying being with you.
And also with you.
I mean, I'm enjoying you too.
Really? Because you seem a little uncomfortable.
She's completely freaked out because she thinks you look like Jesus.
Yeah.
Well, there is that.
I don't know what that bumbling waiter was talking about.
My hair is perfect.
Well, like they say in the rubber business, let's bounce.
I don't think so.
Why not? I thought we were having a great time.
Besides, I have never enjoyed chatting with a woman more.
Tell you what, I'll go with you if you can tell me one thing you learned about me tonight.
Well When Exactly.
I'm sorry if I led you on.
Me too.
Good night, Jack.
Good night, Elka.
It wasn't the hair, was it? 'Cause if it was, it would-it would haunt me.
Why do men like dumb women? Well, not all men.
I like smart women.
Maybe you and I Oh, well, now you're talking.
Let me just add a couple of zeros to my tip and dinner's on me.
Well, when it comes to French movies, I go for the pretentiousness but I stay for the sex.
Hey, there's a Truffaut double feature at the Art House around the corner.
Maybe we should go sometime.
Why don't the two of us sneak out now? Oh.
Have you ever thought about separating? We looked into it.
But it's just too risky medically.
Is this a deal breaker for you? To be honest, I'm not sure.
Hey, sorry to interrupt.
But our dates are over, so we were just gonna head on home.
You know what, it's getting late, so maybe we should say good night as well.
No.
You go ahead.
I'm staying.
Really? Yes.
I'm so quick to reject any man who doesn't fall into some narrow view of what I think is the right guy.
But not this time.
I see goodness and honesty when I look into your eyes.
Richard, you lying, cheating rat bastard! Get your hands off my husband.
You're married, and you were hitting on me? I'm conjoined.
I'm not dead.
So it didn't work out with that other woman either? I did not have sexual feelings for that woman.
How would George Bush feel about that woman? Well, I decided she wasn't right for me, 'cause I'm the Decider.
And these are the Decider House Rules.
He just picked up.
Do it.
Max, Sean Connery here.
I just wanted you to know that I'm in bed with your beautiful and smart ex-girlfriend Elka.
And together we're laughing about your clumsy love-making.