Lois and Clark: The New Adventures of Superman s02e13 Episode Script

Well, what is his status, Gretchen? His vital signs are fluctuating wildly.
It's been a struggle ever since that fiasco in the crypt.
I do hope I haven't made this trip for nothing.
Gee, Nigel, your concern for Lex is overwhelming.
Mr.
Luthor did not hire me for my congeniality.
What are you doing? I've gotta stabilize his electromagnetic field.
Otherwise, we're gonna lose him.
No.
Lex! No! It's over, Gretchen.
Oh, no.
It was a noble experiment.
Lex? Lex.
I can't believe it.
Believe it.
Lois, there's something I wanna say.
Clark, you don't have to say it.
I know what you're thinking.
I've been thinking the same thing.
Lois Clark, what are you waiting for? We'll never get this paper out by deadline.
- What? - I said, we'll never get this paper out by deadline.
All right, I want everybody's stories on my desk in 10 minutes flat.
Langdon, when am I gonna get that story on the capture of Rollie Vale? I'm on it, chief.
Lois, I wanna ask you something.
I'm not gonna like it, am I? - What makes you say that? - You've got that tone in your voice.
You know, when people are uncomfortable.
Like when they wanna borrow your car or money your clothes.
Okay, you got me.
I wanna borrow your clothes.
I bet you'd look real cute in black chiffon.
- What I wanna say is l - I know what you want, Clark.
- You do? - I know you a lot better than you think.
How much do you need? What? No, I don't want money, Lois.
Don't be embarrassed.
That's what friends are for.
- Just tell me how much.
- Lois, I want you to go out with me.
What? You're asking me out? Yeah.
You know, like on a date.
A date.
You mean a real date? Where I take out my good perfume the one I got after I saw Love Affair the good one, not the remake, and I put a dab behind my knee I don't even know why? Yeah.
I guess that's what I'm saying.
Well, that's Well, I just don't I don't know what to say.
Well, most people either choose yes or no.
Well, it's not that easy.
It's easy for you.
You've had time to think about it, time to plan what to say what to say depending on what I say - Lois, I'm just trying to ask you out.
I'm not trying to negotiate a nuclear arms treaty.
Hey, C.
K.
This just came for you.
Says it's from the FBI.
- Who do you know at the FBI? - Roger Templeton.
We met when I was in Washington.
"Dear Clark, I thought you might find this interesting.
" Clark, this is the woman that stole Lex Luthor's body.
Who's that guy? Nigel St.
John.
He used to be Lex's personal assistant.
Get this.
They've identified the woman in the photograph as Gretchen Kelly.
She was Luthor's doctor.
That explains her fascination with his body.
That's not all.
Turns out Nigel was more than Luthor's Mr.
Belvedere.
He was an agent with Her Majesty's Secret Service gone bad.
This says that that photo was taken recently in Metropolis.
The agent who took the photo has disappeared.
Disappeared, huh? Being a photographer is more dangerous than we thought.
Maybe Sheldon Bender knows something.
Luthor's attorney? Why him? Well, it's just God knows everything, and attorneys seem to think they're God.
Jimmy, why don't you take this over to Perry and tell him we're on it.
You got it.
Clark.
- About the date - It's okay.
Take your time.
We can talk about it later.
It's gone.
This weasel Bender has swindled me out of my entire fortune.
Lex, you should be resting.
This can wait.
What about the Swiss bank accounts? Empty.
I'm broke.
And death I could deal with, Nigel, but to be broke, no money, no power that's not something I'm prepared for.
Knowing you, sir, I'm sure it's just a temporary condition.
The money, perhaps.
But true power lies in the possession of kryptonite.
Until I find it, I'm nothing.
First things first.
Nigel, I'd like you to arrange a little meeting with Mr.
Bender.
- Yes, sir.
- And, Nigel, stop the "sir.
" No need for façades.
Look at this.
We are what we are.
- And what is that? - Ordinary street fighters like the old days.
I've never thought there was anything ordinary about you, Lex.
Thank you, my dear.
You're absolutely right.
What's this? What is this? I'm losing my hair.
What have you done to me? What have you done to me?! Lex, your body has been through a tremendous ordeal.
You're bound to experience some temporary side effects.
You need to rest.
All right, shave it off.
Don't just stand there, shave it off.
Nigel, I want you to do me a favor.
I want you to find out whatever you can about Lois Lane.
Well, it's a good thing you're not a surgeon.
Clark, that's Bender.
Hello, Bender.
I'm gonna call the police.
Stay here.
Watch the suit.
Who are you people? - Do you realize who you are? - Shut up.
- Look, if you are with Intergang - What's Intergang? A new crime organization in Metropolis.
Just a group of thugs, all substance and no style.
Didn't take long for the jackals to move in.
Look whoever you are, I want you to know right now, you can't Oh, yes, I can.
- Lex? - Luthor.
Your worst nightmare.
A billion dollars, Mr.
Bender.
- Where is it? - It's all tied up in real estate.
- I can get you a few thousand now, but - Sorry, wrong answer.
I know people in Intergang.
Maybe I can talk them into bringing you in.
Sorry, Mr.
Bender, wrong answer again.
Oh, look.
Gretchen, the rats have a voracious appetite tonight.
- But will they eat one of their own? - Please, wait! I'll get it back for you.
I promise.
But l I can get you kryptonite.
I know who has it.
- How do you know about kryptonite? - Look, I know someone.
I can get it for you.
If you cross me, Bender I will cut open your chest and sew up a rat inside.
Superman told me that that van was operated by remote control.
Why do you suppose someone would kidnap Bender? It can't be for money.
Who would pay ransom for a lawyer? Clark Kent.
Do I want them? Can you hang on a minute? Lois, this ticket broker's got two of the last Pearl Jam tickets for the concert tomorrow night.
- Would you like to go? - Oh, right.
The date thing.
What about Mason? The guy's only got two tickets.
- Clark - Lois, I'm asking you out.
Okay, fair enough.
It's a big deal.
We work together.
What happens if, you know, it bombs? We'll always be friends.
Yo, Clark, you there? Hello! Yeah, I'm still here.
I know.
We both need an answer.
Okay.
Okay, I'll take them.
How much? Each? No, no.
That sounds reasonable.
Okay, great.
Thanks.
So So - Am I interrupting something? - No.
- No, no.
- No.
It's okay, guys, I'm not the principal.
I just came to give you this report on the van.
Turns out there's a trap door in the floor.
So that's how Bender disappeared without anybody seeing him.
Magic always seems to have an explanation.
- Anything else? - Yeah.
The van's registered to a guy in Park Ridge.
- The cops have him down at the station.
- Start on the story, I'll go to the station.
As long as I'm out, I can pick up those things that we need for the thing that we talked about.
No, no.
It's out of your way.
I'll just send a runner.
Okay.
- What? - Nothing.
I didn't say nothing.
Excuse me, miss.
Could you help an old man across the street? Sure.
Of course.
Here, just watch it down the curb.
Aren't you that reporter who almost married Lex Luthor? - Yeah.
- Lois Lane, right? So tell me, what was that Luthor fellow like? Well, he was very magnetic and very charming.
He was also a very dangerous criminal.
I see, but I hear you young women like them bad-boy types these days.
Well, I don't think that's always true.
I mean, I guess sometimes it is.
Excuse me.
I am late for an appointment.
She's more beautiful than ever.
And what about Gretchen? What about her? She's my physician.
She doesn't inspire me.
I suppose it has occurred to you that Miss Lane might not come quite so easily this time.
If I cannot prove the lover to entertain these fair, well-spoken days l'm determined to prove the villain.
- Richard III, your favorite.
- My hero.
And like Richard, I will not be denied.
I'll give her the chance to come willingly.
If she won't come, I'll take her by force.
- After you get the kryptonite.
- Of course.
The police said the owner of the van loaned it to a friend of his an ex-con named Ramine Tarbush.
I called his parole officer.
He hadn't seen Tarbush in weeks.
But I asked for a description, exact match to the kidnapper.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? Bobby Bigmouth.
Now, what in the blazes is a Bobby Bigmouth? Bobby.
If it ain't the two lovebirds.
- Did you tell him? - No, no, no.
I got it from his ticket broker.
He's a barracuda in business, but he's a romantic at heart.
- So you two excited? - We didn't come here to talk about I want you to know how happy I am.
There are a lot of people pulling for it to work out.
What people? You think it's a big secret Clark's been mooning over you? I wouldn't say "mooning," exactly I love being in love.
There's no feeling like it in the whole world.
Except maybe a really full stomach.
And I love the fact that we are pushing pigs in a blanket.
Bobby, do you know an ex-con named Ramine Tarbush? Of course.
Last I heard, he's been living out on the streets.
But he has his meals at the homeless shelter on Union Street.
What happened to my manners? Anybody thirsty? You have five minutes, Rollie.
You Bender? Who are these bozos? I caution you on your choice of words, Mr.
Vale.
Oh, yeah? Well, in case you haven't noticed l'm in prison.
What are you gonna do, charge me with being rude? Of course not, Mr.
Vale.
I'll simply have you killed.
Oh, really? You and what? Luthor? How? There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Mr.
Vale.
Sure.
Okay.
So, what happened? Forget to bring your hair with you when you came back from the dead? That's funny.
That's very funny.
Unfortunately, Mr.
Vale, you are not in a position to be funny.
And you're in no position to put your hands on me, Mr.
Luthor.
Robotic.
I had to replace the one my thimble-brained cyborg crushed.
A cyborg which was powered by kryptonite which was stolen from Lex Labs by your brother.
I want it back.
- What my client is saying is - I know what he's saying.
Unless you got something I want, skinhead, this meeting's over.
Well, what is it you want? A half a million dollars and my freedom.
Money and your freedom for the kryptonite.
Do we have a deal? Sure, we have a deal.
And you know where to find me.
Lex, whatever you're planning, I shouldn't hear about it.
Hear about it? You're going to be part of it.
It'll require a little diversion to get the equipment we need.
And I know the perfect sacrificial lamb.
Chief, I'm making a doughnut run.
Need anything? No thanks, Jimmy, but I appreciate you asking.
Somebody's been messing with my chair.
What's this? Jimmy! - Yeah, chief? - I do need something.
What's that? Help.
Hi.
Hi.
Oh, God, this is exactly why we shouldn't go out.
- All I said was "hi.
" - Yes, I know and a dozen thoughts went through my mind.
"How's my makeup? Do I smell good? Do I have coffee breath?" And that was just "hi.
" What happens when you start saying words with more than one syllable? What is in your coffee this morning? Clark, I'm just trying to say that l'm afraid things will change if we start going out.
Well, if it makes you feel any better, Lois, I'm afraid too.
Oh, I'm so glad that you said that.
Thank you.
So did you go to the shelter this morning? Yeah.
Ramine's still a no-show, but the director said he'd call if he comes in.
All right, there's an emergency in the building! I need everyone outside.
- What is it? - Just step outside, little lady.
What's happening? Clark? Clark? Where's Clark? Is it real? Oh, yeah.
It's a real pressure bomb.
Crudely made, but real.
When you sat down, you engaged the detonator.
So if you get the urge to stand up and do a jig, fight it.
Can you disarm it? I think so, if I can just figure out which wire to cut.
Superman.
- Do you need any help? - Nope.
Found what I needed.
- Oh, no.
- "Oh, no"? I underestimated the guy.
He built in a backup firing mechanism.
- What does that mean? - We got less than a minute to clear this whole building out.
Officer, clear a path to that window.
Mr.
White, just hang on.
Nice view from here.
I just wish I was in a better mood to enjoy it.
I'd hoped to set you down someplace deserted but I don't think we're gonna make it.
So thanks for flying with me, Mr.
White.
That's what I call turbulence.
Some yahoo probably read something in the Planet he didn't like.
You know, it's a risk every editor takes.
Perry, I think it's awfully coincidental that Nigel St.
John, a former spy, comes into town and suddenly this happens.
Lois, stop being paranoid.
Guess who suddenly reappeared.
Sheldon Bender.
He claims the kidnapping was a prank by some old frat brothers.
Chief, my instinct says that all this stuff with Bender and the bomb is connected to Nigel and Gretchen Kelly.
Well, what are you two standing there for, then? Hey, guys, guess what.
The bomb squad's headquarters was robbed while they were here.
They got away with some plastic explosives and a remote-control triggering mechanism.
Now, wait a minute.
Are you telling me that I was some kind of diversionary tactic? - Kind of cheapens it somehow, doesn't it? - Cheapens it? - You take Bender, I'll take the bomb squad.
- I'll take Bender, you take the bomb squad.
You know, I think that's the first time I've heard them agree.
Yeah, well, a budding romance will do that for you.
How did you know that? Jimmy, I did not become editor of a major newspaper because I can yodel.
Excuse me, I'm Well, well, Lois Lane.
Imagine my good luck, running into you two days in a row.
You know, I have something for you.
Information about Lex Luthor and the woman who stole his body.
Who are you? Do you know the story of the phoenix? Yes.
A sacred bird, reborn.
Rising from its own ashes.
That's right.
When I was a little boy my mother told me that story.
And I I always liked the part where he came back from the dead.
It's good to see you again, Lois.
Did you think I wouldn't come back for you? Yes, look at me.
I've lost everything: My fortune, my reputation.
Everything but my feeling for you.
We must take the miracle of my resurrection as a sign.
As a sign that even death can't keep us apart.
- How is this? - No, don't question a miracle.
We're together again.
That's all that matters.
What? What? No.
No, I could never I've fallen from grace, haven't I? I can see it in your eyes.
But surely a creature of such benevolence would allow me a chance to redeem myself.
I don't have those feelings for you anymore.
- I don't believe you.
- How could you expect? After everything you've done.
Well, yes, I did terrible things, but I did them for you.
I was provoked by the blinding light of your beauty.
But if you can't forgive me then here call the police.
Go ahead, call.
You do feel something for me.
No.
I just feel maybe you've suffered enough.
What did Luthor say he wanted? I mean, besides you.
It looks like Bender's your only solid lead to finding Luthor.
Yeah, and he's in seclusion on his yacht.
Supposedly he needs a break from the press.
Well, he's not gonna get it.
I want you two on him like flies on a T-bone.
Round-the-clock surveillance.
- By "round-the-clock," you don't mean? - Yes, sir.
Right now.
Set up shop down at Butch Kinnerbrew's.
He's a friend of mine.
Keeps a little hideaway down there at the marina.
So you want us to start tonight.
Have you got something better to do? I guess not.
Good.
Jimmy.
- Enjoy.
- All right, C.
K.
! Pearl Jam.
This will definitely put me over the top with Angela.
I don't believe this.
Instead of Pearl Jam, we wind up watching some lawyer get ready for bed.
Well, maybe we can just pretend this is our first date.
Not that I'd like this to be our first date, I'd like something nicer.
But just so it's not a total loss.
You did ask me out, and I did worry a lot about my answer.
I wouldn't want all that effort to be for nothing.
I'm babbling, aren't I? Look, let's just say we're on a regular assignment and forget the date part.
We'll do it another time.
What if we say this is our almost first date? Kind of like a test run.
Sure, why not.
All right.
Why don't I see if I can find something that would be appropriate to celebrate our almost first date.
Hey, look, champagne.
Too bad it's warm.
It'll probably take forever to chill in this little refrigerator.
I gotta get out of these clothes, so just yell if you see anything.
Okay.
Here you are.
- How did you get it cold so fast? - I There's another lamp on the other side of the couch.
I got it, I got it Sorry.
I guess I'm the one who needs to change now.
Oh, boy.
Yeah, I guess.
I guess I should get up.
I guess so.
Well, I'll just pour us some more champagne.
Good idea.
Excuse me.
Wow, that must have been one defective bulb.
- What happened? - Oh, I had a muscle.
Mishap.
I had a mishap.
This Here.
So to our almost first date.
Almost first date.
I should've known better than to order Chinese food from a place called Ralph's Pagoda.
Here.
Thanks, Clark.
Some first date, huh? It's okay.
I don't feel good.
I'm so embarrassed.
Don't worry about it.
You should turn in.
You can sleep in the bedroom.
I don't think I can make it to the bedroom.
Here, come on.
Clark Here you go.
Door-to-door service.
If you need anything during the night, just call.
I'll be right out here.
Well Well Goodnight, Clark.
Good night, Lois.
Glad you could make it.
Next time you need to see me, Sheldon, don't call my office.
Use my home number.
I'm sorry, Your Honor, it won't happen again.
- Clark? - Better not.
Something's happening on Bender's boat.
Nothing's going to go wrong, Your Honor, believe me.
I wanted to thank you in person for getting a new hearing for Rollie Vale.
When's he being transferred to the courthouse? - This afternoon.
- That's Judge Winkler.
On behalf of my client, I'd like you to accept this little token of our appreciation.
- It's just like I wanted? - Small bills, no sequential numbers.
Always a pleasure doing justice with you, counselor.
Hey, Bender.
Oh, my I've always admired Nigel's creativity.
Sure, I'll just wait right here for his call.
Judge Winkler's clerk.
The judge is temporarily unavailable for comment.
Big surprise.
Why would Bender want Rollie Vale transferred downtown for a new hearing? - What's in it for Lex? - Whatever it is it's big enough to cost Bender his life.
Hey, C.
K.
Thanks for the tickets.
Pearl Jam was incredible.
- What happened to your eye? - Brutal, huh? Angela and I went through the mosh pit twice.
Mosh pit? The director from the homeless shelter called.
That guy, Ramine, he's down there eating breakfast right now.
Clark, there he is.
After you.
This is a long fall from a penthouse in the sky.
What's that noise? I hate rats.
Clark.
It starts here at the Metropolis Men's Prison and ends at the courthouse.
It must be the route they're gonna use to transfer Rollie Vale.
Luthor's gonna break Vale out of prison.
Let's go.
You go get the Jeep.
I'm gonna call the police.
Lex wanted me to find you.
Thanks for making it so easy.
Steady.
Not too soon.
Now.
Hey.
- Looks like he needed a rest.
- He'll have an awful headache tomorrow.
Now, tell me, Mr.
Vale, is the air sweeter when it's free? Yeah, it's great.
Now get me out of here.
I better get you to a doctor.
Don't you realize Lex is insane? If anyone's insane, you are.
You could've married the greatest man in Metropolis.
But instead, you turned your back on him.
He's a psychopathic criminal.
He could kill any of us.
He never hurt me.
I gave him life.
But you drove him to his death.
Lois.
When will you ever learn? I always get my way.
Lex, please, before you make things worse.
I've already been through the worst.
All right, Vale, where did you hide the kryptonite? It's been right here all along.
My Excalibur.
What are you gonna do with that? I'm gonna kill Superman when he comes to rescue you.
And then there will be no one to take you away from me.
Nigel, keep this in a safe place.
Now, where's my money? Oh, yes.
Nigel, pay the man.
- Hey, what's this? - It's called an old-fashioned double-cross.
Exactly.
Won't you join me, Ramine.
Et tu, Nigel? - Nigel, what are you doing? - You've had your day, Lex.
Now it's Intergang with the deep pockets.
- But we're a team.
- When the lead wolf is weakened the pack quickly turns.
- The deal was my freedom and the money Lex! Let's go, Ramine.
- Is he all right? - I'll take care of him.
It's all right.
It's just a minor setback.
Stay away! - Lois! - Lex.
Lex, she doesn't love you.
- She never loved you.
- Give me your hands! - I sacrificed everything to bring you back.
- Reach! - I love you.
- I'll kill you! Maybe you'd like to let me in on the joke? Me.
I'm the joke.
Twice I've had the chance to kill you, twice the game has gone your way.
The game is over, Luthor.
I'll not give you the satisfaction of taking me alive.
Sorry, Luthor, but killing yourself is the easy way out.
You can't cheat justice twice.
Oh, so smug.
Tell him, Lois.
Tell him that once you really loved me.
Well, I thought I'd never see the day.
You think there's hope for Elvis? Nice job, you two.
I know I've said this before, but this time it's an order.
I want both of you to take some time off.
Well, you don't have to tell me twice.
Clark, I'll call you in a couple days about that thing that we have to reschedule.
- Yeah, that sounds great.
- You don't have to talk in code.
You're not fooling anybody.
If you plan on making it a date, just say so.
How did you? - Jimmy.
- Hey.
I didn't say a word.
Honestly.
Look, he did not become editor because he knows how to yodel.
Oh, by the by, you owe Butch Kinnerbrew a bottle of champagne and a new lampshade.