Mad About You s02e13 Episode Script

Okay, pounce.
Again.
Okay, one more time.
Did you pack my glasses? - They're in your little bag.
- All right, pounce.
All right.
Here we go.
- Okay.
Come on, get off.
- No.
We've been through this before.
It's only Chicago.
- I know.
- I'll be home every weekend.
- I know.
- Two months, tops.
- I know.
I know.
I know.
- Okay, so get off.
No.
All right, pounce one more time.
There we go.
Thank you.
It's 9:00.
It's not gonna take you two hours to get to LaGuardia.
But I wanna make sure I get a window.
You already have a boarding pass.
I do, but you know the airlines.
A boarding pass means nothing.
You might as well be carrying a piece of cheese.
Tie your shoelace.
It's okay.
You sure you don't wanna come with me? I can't.
Your school doesn't start for weeks.
I have registration, orientation.
I have pre-reading to do.
All right.
Listen, I'm gonna call you every day.
You're not comfortable on the phone.
What does that mean? You're not.
You "uh.
" - I "uh.
" - You "uh," you "um" sometimes you: You're just not comfortable.
Well, this is not entirely easy for me, you know.
All right, I know.
Go on.
- Go make your movie.
- All right.
- You chain the door every night.
- I will.
Will you renew my thing at the Y? I will.
And you'll walk Murray? Actually, I figured I'd wait until you get back.
Come here, you.
All right.
And you, you're the man of the house now.
So start peeing standing up.
- I'll call you when I get to the hotel.
- Or I'll call you.
- Whatever.
- Okay, bye.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Here comes another cab.
No.
Here's another one.
It's stopping.
It's him.
Okay, he's getting out.
He's tipping the driver.
The driver's giving him the finger.
See, now one week.
Was that so tough? He abandoned us, but we survived.
Come on, come on, come on.
Murray, come on.
Come on! Come on.
Get on the couch.
Get on the couch.
Lie down.
Where's the remote? Help me find the remote! Where's the remote? Get onto the couch! Get on the couch! Come on! Lie down.
Lie down! What am I doing? Explain me this.
A guy has a license to drive a cab in the city.
So the city has already said, "You can drive.
Be a driver on our streets.
Here are our roads.
Go and drive among our roads.
" The man could not get out of the airport.
circling.
Here we go, taxi commission.
This guy they're gonna wanna know about.
He's driving around 25 minutes.
I'm going, "Look, there's an exit!" He's driving, he's driving.
Six minutes we sat in front of Air Peru.
Who is going? They got me on hold.
Look at this.
I'm already on hold.
He says, "Put your luggage in the trunk.
" I say, "There's room up here.
" He says, "Put it in the trunk.
" I say, "Fine.
Put the luggage in the trunk.
" Eighteen dollars he charges me for putting the luggage in the trunk.
- I said, "It was your idea!" - He said, "Luggage tax.
Luggage tax.
" I said, "What am I, a Canadian? I live here!" Guy has one glass eye, no side mirrors.
Thank you very much.
What am l? They're not gonna care.
Hi, how are you? I gotta go to the bathroom.
Where did you get that coat? I just don't like it.
Look at it from the side.
Okay? See? If I'm thinking Picture if I'm thinking.
I'll go See? Or if I'm looking I can just look.
Watch.
Look.
- What purpose does it serve? - It's just hair on a face.
It doesn't have a purpose.
It just makes me look rugged.
It really doesn't.
What is this? Since when do we drink lactose-free milk? I read an article.
I love lactose.
Really? What is it? The point is, don't go making change like that while I'm gone.
- That merits a discussion.
- We didn't discuss your beard.
Fine.
Let's discuss my beard.
- Shave.
- No.
- Fine.
- There you go.
Everybody in Chicago loves it.
- Who? - Everybody.
- Name names.
- Everybody.
Pierre, Lola, Colin.
Who are they? Pierre's the guy I told you, with the thumb.
Colin is his brother.
Lola.
Lola is Vernon's wife.
- Who is Vernon? - Vernon works for Mr.
Ching.
- I've never heard of these people.
- This is why I have to tell you.
- We have catching up to do.
- Not until after you shave.
- That's not gonna happen, my friend.
- Fine.
So we are at an impasse here.
I guess your beard is gonna have to keep you warm all weekend.
You know what? I can hold out as long as you.
In fact, longer.
And you know why? - Because you're rugged? - Bingo.
You know what's interesting? I don't feel anything.
I feel zero.
Nothing.
Nada.
Not a thing.
There's something.
Don't cut yourself.
We speak three times a day.
Why didn't you tell me? I was afraid, if I told you, you wouldn't come home.
Yeah, well You know, it's not pâté.
You know, you've been a grouch all night.
Lisa.
No.
We meet you at the airport, and you're all grumpy.
You're all quiet and sullen during dinner.
Like I really need this.
You could go back to your apartment.
- She can't.
- Sure she can.
I told you, my windows were stolen.
See, that's what I don't understand.
How does that happen? You wanna go over there? - No, I don't wanna go over there.
- We believe you.
You believe her.
Frankly, I think she's hallucinating.
You know, you have real issues with women.
Lisa, shut up.
No, I won't shut up.
It's true.
That's why he's selfish in bed.
Oh, God.
Did you say that? No.
What's the matter with you? Our biggest story still that blizzard that continues to grip the Midwest.
Residents of Chicago are digging out of a foot of snow left by this storm.
- Hello? - Hi.
Hi, where are you? I just got back to the hotel.
I can't get out of here this weekend.
The airport was I know.
I saw.
The whole city, it's like a Slurpee out there.
You should see the footage we got though.
We got some great stuff.
- What? - What? Nothing.
Hang on a second.
Hi, come in.
Sorry.
It's just the room service guy.
- What? - What? - You said "oh" again.
- You don't sound very disappointed.
I mean, you're out there getting great stuff.
You called room service before you called me.
- Because I was hungry.
- Well, I made dinner, okay? So shove it through the phone.
What do you want me to do? - Fine.
I'll just see you next week.
- Fine.
Fine.
- I'm sorry.
- No, no, no.
I'm sorry.
- I thought this was gonna get easier.
- Me too.
But I'm stranded here.
I don't know what I'm supposed to do.
I hate weather.
Me too.
They say the storm is heading to New York.
Too bad we couldn't be snowed-in together.
That would be nice.
Just stay here in bed together until spring.
Are you in bed? - What are you doing? - Just lying here.
Yeah? Because I'm in bed too.
What are you wearing? Nothing.
Really? How about you? My blue nightgown.
Yeah? The silk thing with the sides? That's the one I got you for your birthday? - I thought you returned that.
- No.
Didn't you exchange that for the Salad Shooter? - Okay, okay, okay.
- Sorry, sorry, sorry.
- Are you eating? - I'm nibbling your ear.
- I like that.
- And I'm going down your body.
I love that.
And I'm kissing your knees.
What niece? I don't have a niece.
- Your knees.
Your knees.
- My knees! I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- Get with the program here, babe.
- Okay, all right, all right.
- Okay, I'm - What? I'm kissing your chest.
I'm enjoying that.
I'm enjoying watching that from here.
- Keep watching.
- Well, you bet.
I'm kissing down your body.
My tongue is just around your Hold on a second.
I have another call.
- Hello? - Jamie, it's your mother-in-law.
- Hi.
- Is he coming? Excuse me? I saw that O'Hare was snowed in.
And I wondered Right.
No, he's not.
Sylvia, could I call you back in a couple minutes? - Who was that? - It's your mother.
Where were we? - Is she on the other line? - No, I said I'd call back.
Listen to me now.
I was just about to take No, no, come on! That mouth was just talking to my mother.
What are you, nuts? Not enough therapy in the world, babe.
You know what? It's getting late anyway.
- It's late here.
It's even later.
- I know.
So So Well, good night.
Good night, you.
- Wait, don't hang up.
- No.
No, I'm not.
- Honey? - What? It's snowing.
Honey, I'm home! I noticed.
Oh, God.
I think you should literally meet me at the door like this every day.
Come home every day, I might.
Well, we have an entire weekend, just you and me and my mother.
We'll go over, eat a couple pounds of brisket.
We'll come home, lock the door until Sunday.
- What time we have to be there? - We don't.
- How come? - Because you're in Chicago.
I told her you had to stay for the weekend and re-shoot.
Are you mad? Are you kidding? No, I'm thrilled.
- She won't believe it, but I'm thrilled.
- She bought it.
- You think so, but she's got - Honey, relax.
Isn't this better than on the phone? Yes, it's better, and it's cheaper.
- There she is.
- It couldn't be.
Just trust me.
Trust me.
- I have to know.
Who is it? - No, no, no.
- Sylvia.
- Oh, God! If she would just use this talent for good.
- You there? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'll be right there.
- Hide.
- I'm not gonna hide.
- What are we gonna do? - Just fess up.
Tell her you got confused.
Great, so either I'm a liar, or I'm addle-brained? - Just one minute! - I'm wearing heels! - What is "addle-brained"? - Just do this for me, please.
What are you doing? - Hi.
- What is it? You got lost? No, I just The place was such a mess.
What else is new? I had so much extra food I figured, why let it go bad? That's so thoughtful.
- What's with you? - What? Your hair, it's all tousled.
I know.
It's a new tousled look.
It started in Europe.
Very chic.
- I'll just put this in the fridge.
- Don't bother.
- What? I was born to bother.
- Really, let me.
- I can do it.
- No, Sylvia, I'm starving.
Right now.
This is delicious.
What is this? Potatoes.
Let me at least get you a plate.
- Sylvia.
- What? I wanna show you Paul's new parka.
- One second.
- I really need your opinion.
I just bought it for him.
He hasn't seen it.
I don't know if he'll like it.
You know him so much better.
That's true.
Orange is really his color.
- I think so too.
- It looks warm.
Sorry.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
It looks pretty on you.
- What was that? - What was what? Oh, that! That was next door.
They're always doing that.
They're Greek.
It sounded like it came from the bedroom.
The bedroom? The bedroom? If it came from the bedroom, then that's obviously what it was.
A sound from the bedroom couldn't really be anything other than Look at that.
Bad dog.
It's all over.
I'll get a sponge.
- Sylvia.
- What? You're so helpful.
Meaning what, honey? Bringing food over, and just pitching in, and being you.
- Well, that's my nature.
- It really is.
- I never thought you'd notice.
- How could I miss it? This is the first time you and I have been alone together.
I mean, without Paul around.
You hungry? I'm famished.
I'll get us a little something, and we'll have a visit.
Come on.
I don't want to keep you though.
Burt is taking inventory.
I have all night.
Sponge.
I'm shutting the window.
They say rain.
Hey, guess who's home! What are you? You're all over me here.
- Well, you're all over me here.
- Can we get organized, please? All right, now you pick a position.
I wanna spoon.
You know what? Reverse spoon.
Honey, honey, honey.
This is more like a ladle.
All right, come here.
I got it.
I got it.
Position 12.
Here you go.
- That's nice.
- Much better.
That better? What are you doing? - Are you letting your hair grow out? - No.
Because it's, like, harder or something.
Do you want me to move? No, this is good.
This is good.
For God's sake! Is the bed different? No, it's the same bed we've had for two years.
It's like it got smaller.
How could it get smaller? My grandmother did.
It just happens.
How have you been sleeping in Chicago? Great.
How you been sleeping here? Like a log.
- Where you going? - I'm just gonna get a drink of water.
Surprise! - Hello.
- Hey.
Hey, guess what! I finished the film two days early.
I busted my ass, and the crew hates me.
But you know what? I don't care because it's over, and I am home for good.
Hey, buddy boy.
I felt so bad about last week.
All I could think about was coming home to see you.
That is so sweet.
- Hi.
- And she said you were selfish.
- Where's my wife? - Isn't she with you? - No.
- Well, she went to Chicago.
What? She felt bad too, so she decided to go surprise you.
What happened to the lactose? Are you kidding me? - Hello.
- Are you kidding me? - How did we do this? - I don't know.
So get over here.
I can't.
I already missed the last flight.
- Well, that's great.
- Oh, my God.
Well, welcome home.
Thank you very much.
- I miss you.
- I miss you too! Well Listen, you know what? We made it this far we can probably make it one more night.
How? I don't know.
Well, what are you wearing? I'm wearing a big orange parka.
Why? Honey.
What am I wearing? Come on, your sister's in the next room.
I don't care.
I don't want this evening to be a total loss.
The truth is, and I should have said this up front I'm wearing nothing, absolutely nothing.
- Me too.
- Really? Look on the pillow.
Is there a little chocolate mint? - Yes, there is.
Here.
- Okay, okay.
Unwrap it.
Okay, now put it in your mouth and roll your tongue around - What? You're home! Tell Jamie I'm watering her plants.
Honey? Honey? I'll just see you tomorrow.
Why are they so concerned about what they're wearing? They're having phone sex.
She'll put her eye out.
I know.