Man with a Plan (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

1 Bev, you got any fours? Give you my fours, you give me your twos.
All right.
That is not how you play gin.
- Gin! - Gin! Well, I can't say I'm sad it's over.
Hey, uh, listen, before you guys go, I need you to clear your Saturday.
Well, we were all set to mail a letter, but I guess we can wait till Monday.
Good, 'cause this Saturday is Andi's birthday, and we're all going out to dinner to celebrate.
You planned ahead this year? Usually first time I hear about Andi's birthday is when you're apologizing to her for forgetting it.
(CHUCKLES) Okay, I admit that in the past I have occasionally lost track of time, and her birthday snuck up on me.
I've made some mistakes.
This is my yoga mat.
Yeah, you lost it, and I found it.
Happy birthday.
Hey there she is.
Happy birthday.
(CLEARS THROAT) "This coupon is good for one free massage from Adam.
Back or front, your choice.
" Fair warning, if we start on your front, things will escalate quickly, and then you can cash in this coupon.
Did you see the cartoon people? It's not to scale, but that could be us.
Yeah.
- Happy - It was yesterday.
Damn it! But I'm telling you, things will be different this year because Andi told me they had to be.
Are they gone yet Hey! Hi.
Ah, I'm so glad I didn't miss you guys.
So are you excited about your birthday plan? Ma! I haven't told her yet.
I want to tell her.
Oh, fine, fine.
Go ahead.
It's a dinner! Y-You already planned my birthday? You mean I'm not getting my own yoga mat again? I lost it for you on purpose, just in case.
Well, find it.
I already made a reservation at your favorite restaurant, I scheduled the kids for sleepovers that night, and this is the best part the dinner is on your actual birthday.
(GASPS) That's right.
I'm pretty handsome now, aren't I? - Yeah, you are.
- (CHUCKLES) We've never gotten to celebrate on the real day before.
- Yeah.
- This is so exciting.
We're going to dinner Sunday! Yeah Ah-ah, nice try.
It's Saturday.
You're right.
You did it.
Yes, I did.
So do you want me to handle all the logistics? Yes, say yes.
What logistics? It's dinner with my parents, Don and Marcy, and Lowell and his wife.
It's easy.
She's throwing you a lifeline.
Grab it, son.
So everybody's coming? Well, I haven't sent out the e-mail yet.
BOTH: Oh, no.
I'm sure it'll be fine.
These two already said they're coming.
Well, we do have some requirements.
Your father needs to be near a bathroom, but not facing it.
He-he wants the convenience, but he doesn't like the eye contact when they come out.
And, uh, your mother can't eat on a carpet.
She's susceptible to static electricity.
I've seen a doorknob make her fly right across the room.
See? It's not easy.
I should take over.
Honey, it's handled, okay? - I got the private, no carpet.
- Oh.
And the bathroom is just around the corner.
You think I don't know how weird they are? We're weird, but we're not deaf.
So you really think you can pull this off? Because now you're getting my hopes up.
And if they come crashing down, they're gonna land on you.
Look, all I have to do is send out the invitations.
One e-mail and done.
(CELL PHONES VIBRATING) Something's happening to me.
That's the e-mail, Joe.
I told you not to put your new phone in your pocket.
Oh.
Send another one, will you? Jen and I are super excited to be invited to Andi's birthday.
We took you to dinner a year ago, and since then, we've been waiting for you to call and return the favor.
- Until today, dinner buddy.
- Hey.
Hey, about Andi's birthday Marcy says we can't make it.
She made plans with people from her pottery class, so Pottery class? Those people are strangers.
I take you to urgent care once a week to get a nail out of your hand.
Cancel it.
I can't change Marcy's plans.
I got one boss, and it ain't you.
You guys have to come.
This is about my reputation as a husband.
Well, when you put it that way, we still can't come, but now I don't feel bad.
Oh, here comes that mean building inspector.
She always looks like she's trying - to scare the hiccups out of someone.
- Joy's okay.
We had her and Rudy over for dinner the other night.
You just met her! No, no.
I got what I wanted.
I'll allow it.
(SIGHS) Hey, how'd the electrical check out? - We all good out there, neighbor? - Listen, just because I'm friends with your wife doesn't mean I'm gonna let things slide around here.
- If anything, I'm gonna be tougher on you.
- Oh.
So it pains me to say you pass.
Hey, uh, Joy, how would you and Rudy like to come to Andi's birthday dinner on Saturday? Oh, we'd love to.
Just one tiny thing I made Rudy a vegan, but he doesn't know it.
So make sure there's something on that menu that looks like meat, but isn't.
Poor guy, married to her, and now she's gonna make him live forever.
(LAUGHS) What was that? What was what? Well, Marcy and I figured since we couldn't go, you would move the dinner.
I can't move the dinner.
It's on Andi's birthday.
- So you replaced us? - Yeah.
How can you be so far behind? It happened right in front of you.
ADAM: So, it's tofu, but you'll paint it brown like meat? Well, it sounds disgusting.
Okay.
I'll see you Saturday night.
Was that about my birthday dinner? My hopes are flying high.
(LAUGHING): Yeah.
Are there gonna be any surprises? Mostly for Rudy.
Oh, good.
Rudy and Joy are coming, too? "Too," "also," "instead of" All those fun birthday words.
What? Don and Marcy can't make it.
Aw, really? Well, that's not a bad thing.
I mean, Joy and Rudy will have some new stories.
We've already heard all of Don's, you know? He thought that raccoon was a cat.
Remember? Huh? He didn't know pickles were cucumbers.
He forgot the raccoon wasn't a cat, and tried to pet it again.
It's just, you know and you wouldn't know this 'cause you've never planned one of these But, um, there's a rule that everybody agrees on that if one couple can't make it, that we change the night.
(LAUGHING): Honey, that's not everybody's rule.
That's just your rule because you're nice.
But lucky for you, I'm not.
Okay? So we are having dinner on your actual birthday.
Yeah, I-I got to be honest.
My hopes are losing a little altitude, okay? Are you sure you can pull this off? Yes.
Yes.
So just, look Sit back and relax.
You are in for a smooth flight.
Uh-huh.
I'm just gonna call Marcy and figure everything out.
Look, if you pick up that phone, you're saying you don't believe in me.
(SPUTTERS) I believe in you.
Then why are you still walking towards the phone? Am I? Andi, I'm telling you, this dinner is coming together.
Yes, there was a little speed bump, but everyone's cool with it.
He frickin' replaced us? No.
No, we are not replaceable.
We are family.
Technically, I'm family.
You're just the wife.
Sharesies? We are going to that dinner.
You tell your brother we are in.
(SIGHS) You just made me tell him we were out.
It was a power move.
We lost.
Let's move on.
(SIGHS) Okay, okay.
Just one question.
How long will menopause last? - Hey, guys.
- Oh, Don, so, I called the restaurant to get you and Marcy back in.
I did like you said.
I told the guy it was for Don Burns.
He got all excited and said, "Don Burns? The Don Burns?" - Really? - No.
They didn't care.
They can only fit eight in the private room.
Look, you got to help me out.
Marcy's all over me.
I tried to hide from her, but my house is too small.
Look, Don, there's nothing I can do.
Last night I had to pretend to work under my car until she went to sleep.
Come on, little brother.
Okay, fine.
Forget it.
Dinner's cancelled.
No! I thought we'd just follow the dumb rule and do it on a night when everyone can go.
- There, you happy? - Thank you.
All right, I'm off to the lumberyard.
- Okay, good luck at the dog track.
- Thanks.
No.
Don't do this.
Rescheduling means it's never going to happen, and I already took the tags off my new outfit.
Don't worry.
I'm not rescheduling.
I just said that to get Don off my back.
Saturday is still on.
Yes! Wow.
What a roller coaster.
(CLEARS THROAT) You really think you can pull this off? Why do people keep asking me that? Hey, look, all we have to do is not let Andi know that Don and Marcy think it's cancelled.
And it goes without saying that Don and Marcy can't know that it's not cancelled.
Or that it is cancelled.
No.
That it's not cancelled.
Yeah.
It's easy, man.
But what if Joy tells Marcy? Ooh.
Oh, but that's not gonna be a problem They don't even know each other.
See? I planned that, and I didn't even know it That's how good I am.
DON: I don't understand why you could sample a grape but not an apple.
Because it's not a buffet.
JOY: Don.
DON: Hi, Joy.
Is this tall fellow bothering you, ma'am? For 23 years.
Joy, this is my wife, Marcy.
Hi, Marcy.
This is my husband, Rudy.
- (CHUCKLES): Hey.
- Hey.
I'm looking forward to eating some steaks with you at Andi's birthday dinner.
I hope they're good.
The last few I've had have been real mushy.
MARCY: Oh, no, didn't you hear? No, Don and I were busy, so they decided to reschedule.
No, it's still on.
What? Yeah, Adam sent out an e-mail today confirming it.
See? Do you see this? He is still having that dinner.
He took us off the e-mail so we wouldn't know.
We were only on the first e-mail.
The first e-mail? This is the only one we got.
No, that is the second e-mail.
Rudy, do you know what this means? When they couldn't go, Adam subbed us in.
We're just seat fillers.
- Hmm.
- Rudy! This is an outrage! What? I have to ask how's it going with my birthday dinner? Perfect.
Just like you.
And all the organizing? Easy.
Just like you.
Ha.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) It's funny, 'cause it's true.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I'm about to get a lot easier, 'cause I'm going for more wine.
(KNOCKING AT DOOR) Well, fill it to the brim, because this birthday is nothing but smooth sailing.
Who was that? Wrong number.
- Seriously, who was that? - Nobody.
I heard knocking.
Oh, that was two old crows that flew into the door.
What are you doing? Nothing.
I just want to be close to you.
How about a kiss? Hmm? (LAUGHS): Aw.
That's sweet.
Huh.
I was sure you were hiding something from me.
Me? I'd never hide anything from you.
Hey, guys.
Oh, look the crows are back.
MARCY: Now, I'm sorry that you have to see this, but there are some things that need to be said to your bonehead husband about your birthday dinner.
Why are you two here together? You don't even know each other.
We're friends now.
Helps to have a common enemy.
He insulted me.
Yeah.
And he lied to me.
You said you were rescheduling the dinner, and you didn't.
What?! She chose pottery class over your birthday.
You were supposed to change the date.
That's the rule.
That's Andi's rule, because she's nice.
So that rule doesn't apply to you.
He subbed me and Rudy in as seat fillers.
Nobody puts Joy on the B-team.
I'm not a "B.
" I'm an "A.
" An "A"! As in I will kick you in the "A"! You said you had this handled.
You said it was all easy, like me.
(GASPS) He said that to you? Yeah, and she thought it was funny.
Stay out of my marriage.
I am out of your marriage.
And I'm out of this dinner, too.
Okay, well, I'll get over it.
- Congratulations, Marcy, you're back in.
- Oh, no, no.
I'm not coming to your dinner, either.
- What?! - So neither of you are coming? We'll do something fun another time with you.
And we'll have a great time because he won't be there.
(SIGHS HEAVILY) (SCOFFS) Those two, huh? (FORCED CHUCKLE) Yeah.
They're not the problem.
You're right.
We need to remember to lock that back door.
(GROANS) RUDY: I can't believe your wife was so mad she left you here.
Yours did, too.
Well, I can believe my wife did it.
I've just never seen it happen to someone else.
Thanks for coming to pick us up.
Yeah.
I needed to get out of the house.
Andi was so mad she stopped blinking.
She was just staring, like a painting of an angry wife.
Listen, I need people at her birthday dinner.
You got to help me out with your wives.
(SCOFFS) Yeah, you just picked us up from a grocery store - where our wives left us.
- Yeah.
Did they say if they were coming back, or? Did they even mention us? Will you two pay attention? Okay? I got to do something about this.
You got to do more than something.
This is like when your team is way down - at the bottom of the ninth.
- Yeah.
You can't just hit a double.
BOTH: You need a grand slam.
Boy, I have never felt more like a third wheel.
But you're right, what I need is a big idea that's gonna blow her mind.
It'll come to me.
I needed a big idea.
I-It didn't come to me.
You look beautiful way down there.
So, now nobody's coming? No.
Don and Marcy got to my parents, so they canceled in protest, and Lowell and Jen said they didn't want their first dinner with us to be on what he called a "ruined night.
" You know what, for your sake, I-I think it's a good thing that I'm way down here.
Boy, that was a quiet ride.
(CHUCKLES) Good call not wasting all your words on the ride home.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) And you're not blinking again.
Honey, I'm so sorry.
I I don't know what to say.
I (SOFTLY): Um Surprise! - Oh, my God! - (CHUCKLES) Oh, my God.
You threw me a surprise party.
That's right.
Yeah, I needed a big idea, and it came to me.
Well, how did you pull this off? Well, it wasn't easy getting them here.
Part of the agreement was I had to admit to being a lying bonehead.
You'll see it later.
It's written on the cake.
Oh Hey, everybody, I would like to make a toast - to my beautiful wife - Ah.
- On her birthday.
- Aw.
Everything good that happens in my life happens because of you.
- Oh.
- Thank you.
And thanks to all of you for getting over how mad you were at me.
It was our pleasure.
I really enjoyed how much you begged.
JOY: Remember that part where he started to cry a little? Your husband is very thoughtful.
This one here has messed up every birthday in my 40s.
- Wha? - But you've got one year left before I turn 50.
She's telling people she's 49? That means she had me when Just let her have it, boy.
Hey, Jen, sorry it took so long to have you guys over.
Hey, how about you come over tomorrow for game night? What's your pleasure? Pictionary? Yahtzee? - Boggle? - Or we can do all three, Pic-Yahtzee-Boggle.
Oh, wow.
Uh, well, let me talk to Andi about that right now.
- We were too interesting.
- Mm-hmm.
Oh, here's one I hate You're minding your own business, watching television, the wife walks in and says, "There you are.
" Mm-hmm.
And then it's good-bye fun.
And hello, Bed Bath & Beyond.
I seriously think we should vacation together.
I would not say no to a cruise.
Yeah.
This is a great birthday, honey.
I mean, you know, my hopes were high, and then they were real low, and then you know, you came through with this, and it's, like (IMITATES EXPLOSION) Hey, you know what I'm thinking? Next time you offer to handle logistics, I'm gonna let you.
I can't even spell "logistics.
" What am I doing trying to handle them? (CHUCKLES) Come on, you're on a roll.
I can't wait to see what my present is.
Me neither.
I-I mean, I can't wait to see you open it.
I know what it is.
Yeah.
It's it's on the truck.
I'll go get it.
Here.
- All right.
- I'll be right back.
In about an hour.
I say from now on we stand up to our wives.
The next time one of them says, "There you are," we just say, "Not now, I'm busy.
" I'm in.
- All right.
- I feel strong, man.
I feel good.
Good.
BOTH: There you are.
Not now, I'm busy.
Not now, you're what? No, he told he Don, you left me hanging.
I'm sorry, I lost my nerve.