Mighty Med (2013) s02e13 Episode Script

What are you doing? Writing a dating profile for my mom.
I need to get her a new boyfriend, because right now, she has no one to hover over and control but me.
All I've got so far is "hovering and controlling mother looking for boyfriend.
" At least your mom still cares about you.
My gestation pod never even sends me birthday cards anymore.
Thanks for making this all about you.
Hey, Key Keeper, what happened? Is this the work of your nemesis Slaughter Master? He's not my nemesis.
Did he tell you he was my nemesis? I get to decide who my nemesis is.
He turned your leg into the letter "W.
" I think he should at least be in the running for nemesis.
Well, I do hate the guy.
He set a trap and attacked me.
I was able to fend him off using my Key of Steel.
The key that gives you super strength, that makes your body hard as steel? It also unlocks every bathroom in the world.
Yesterday, I used one at Buckingham Palace.
I just walked right in.
No one even tried to stop me.
We will get you patched up and fighting crime ASAP.
Actually, I'm sick of fighting crime.
When my mentor, the seventh Key Keeper passed the Key of Steel on to me, I gave up everything to be a hero.
Now I just wanna go back to a normal life and follow my true passion.
Watching TV.
It's been years.
Is Full House still on? Give me the key.
Let me be the new Key Keeper.
Bestowing the key is a once-in-a-generation decision.
I need to find a person who proves himself worthy and fearless and honorable.
Okay, I'll prove myself worthy.
What do I have to do? This? Or this? Can we discuss this later? I need to make a phone call.
Also, I'm gonna need someone to put my kneecap back on.
Mom? - What are you doing here? - I came to see you.
That's the outfit you picked out to wear today? That shirt does not go with those pants.
Or any pants.
Shouldn't you be at work, insulting your employees' clothes and destroying their self-confidence? That's what's great about being the boss.
I can do whatever I want, like leave in the middle of the day to come visit my son, who should be listening to those Mandarin tapes I bought him, instead of reading picture books, and hanging out with cardboard men.
There are cardboard women, too.
Anyway, I see you've gotten a lot of views on your dating profile.
Actually, that's why I'm here.
To bring you a new shirt but also to thank you for posting that profile for me.
I've met the most charming man, and we've already been on three dates.
But I just posted your profile yesterday.
I'm a very busy woman.
When I see something I want, I take it.
By the way, I want that.
I'm happy for you.
And I totally understand if you need to spend less time with me and more time with your new boyfriend, because your happiness means everything to me.
As well it should.
Now, we'll be having dinner tonight with my new gentleman friend.
I want you to meet him.
I don't know if that's necessary.
The meeting is set for 7:00, but we'll have a pre-meeting meeting at 6:30 so I can sign off on your outfit, because of this.
I don't want this anymore.
Skylar, do me a favor.
There.
Now I'm doing everyone a favor.
No.
I'm serious.
I need you to train me to be a superhero.
Kaz, you'll never be a superhero.
You don't have what it takes at being selfless, clever and virtuous.
Pettiness and jealousy don't have any place in the superhero world.
Well, I might be getting powers soon.
The Key Keeper's retiring, and there's a chance he'll make me his successor.
What?! Why you and not me? No fair, no fair! So much for no pettiness and jealousy.
Okay, Kaz.
I see your point.
And I'm happy for you.
So you'll teach me everything you know? Absolutely.
But first Okay.
Now I'm ready.
I've set up a practice simulation to demonstrate what to do when you encounter real-life danger.
There's a violent villain over there about to commit a crime.
The first thing you do is assess the danger, then prioritize the situation, and finally, take action.
Or we can skip the boring part, and just take action.
Hey, you, baby.
Yeah, you with the blankie and the pacifier.
You might look all cute and cuddly, but you're not fooling anyone, you stupid baby villain! Kaz, what are you doing? The villain is the scary dude with the giant knife.
That just seemed too obvious.
Remember.
Just relax, be yourself, and have fun.
Shoes.
Hands.
Teeth.
Is that what your teeth look like? Get Oliver new teeth.
Oh, here he comes.
Oliver? You two know each other? No! Of course not.
I'm just very good at guessing people's names.
And weights.
Byron.
280.
Well, I thought you were bringing your son.
He was right behind me.
Oh, there he is.
Sorry I'm late.
There are just so many free samples on all these tables.
This is my son Alan.
Alan, this is Bridget.
- And - Oliver? Yes.
All over.
You have cocktail sauce all over your face, total stranger.
Sorry, it's work.
I have to take this.
Why doesn't my one favorite boy get to know my other favorite boy and the boy who just ate that woman's bruschetta.
I don't like it.
Horace, what the heck? Why are you dating my mother? It's hard to meet women in my line of work, so I tried an online dating service.
When I saw your mother's name, I knew Bridget was the one for me.
It has the word "bridge" right in it.
Why is Alan pretending to be your son? Because women are total suckers for a single dad.
We lured your mom right in, hook, line and sinker.
Of course, I care for her deeply.
In fact, I love her.
I love Bridget! Horace, you can't date my mother.
First of all, it's just Plus, it's too risky.
What if she finds out about the superhero world? Oliver, I'm a trained professional.
I think I know how to keep from revealing the existence of a super-secret superhero hospital.
What kind of hospital? A hospital to heal my broken heart, because you've been gone so long.
Aww.
You're the man of my dreams.
If I had dreams.
I don't sleep.
Key Keeper, I'm ready to prove my worthiness.
Actually I'll start by showing that I'm selfless, by destroying this first edition Tecton comic book.
My prized possession.
Are you okay? Of course I'm okay.
I'm superhero material.
I can withstand all pain, emotional and physical.
Watch.
Who needs television? I could watch this all day.
But unfortunately, I've given the key to someone else.
- What? Who? - Her.
Excuse me.
Ew, ew, ew.
I can't believe you! You lecture me about the virtues of being a hero, and then, you totally snake me? Look, I'm sorry.
It's just You don't know what it's like to have superpowers, lose them, get them back, only to have them tainted, causing you to almost destroy everything you care about.
I almost destroyed everything I care about.
My face.
Look, I know I was wrong.
But can I please keep the key? It's my only chance to feel like myself again.
- Fine.
- Really? Thank you so much.
I guess you did learn something about selflessness and integrity.
Yes, I did.
At the end of the day, it's all I really need.
That, and this key.
Wallace, Clyde, I wanna show off my new superpowers.
You guys in there? Kaz.
What are you doing here? Uh Just making sure this door still works.
Yeah, still works.
What are you doing here? I felt really bad about snaking the key from you, so I came here to get you a gift, but the store's closed.
Anyway, thanks for being so cool about it.
What's that noise? Um it's my new armor undershirt.
Yeah, it, uh it keeps the moisture in and the danger out.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go scratch my belly button.
It's an elaborate process.
I am Slaughter Master.
I've made it my life's mission to decimate the lineage of the Key Keeper.
And from what I hear, the newest Key Keeper is you.
Wow.
People are talking about me? What are they saying? Am I trending? I don't know what that means.
Now, prepare to perish, Key Keeper.
Go ahead.
Do your worst.
I've got the Key of Steel, so you can't hurt me.
Ow! That hurt.
I don't get it.
Why didn't the key protect me? Kaz' house keys? He stole the key from me.
Of course, Kaz would have the one unlucky rabbit's foot.
No, you're my pookie bear.
No, no, no.
You're my pookie bear.
- No, you're my - Can we just agree you're both each other's pookie bears and move on? Oliver, I know this must be hard for you, like those first seven years of potty training.
But Horace is going to be in our life a lot more now.
And you know who else is gonna be in your life a lot more now? Me.
Pookie bear.
Just a thought.
Maybe you guys ought to slow things down a tad.
You know what they say A fire that burns too bright fizzles out too quickly.
My passion for your mother will burn for a thousand years.
Of course, you'll be dead by then.
But I'll always carry your picture in my wallet.
Oh, Horace, you have the most delightful sense of humor.
It's what I love about you.
And what I don't love about you, I will change.
Oh, no! I forgot to cut my food in tiny squares like you told me to, and now, I'm choking.
He's choking.
Somebody do something! There's $100 in it for you.
I'll do it for 200.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, thank goodness you're all right.
What did I tell you about choking? - Not to do it.
- Not to do it! Sorry.
Don't feel bad, Mom, it's not your fault.
My fault? I understand.
You're spending a lot more time with Horace now, and you don't have time to watch over me.
So if that means I choke on a dangerously large piece of steak, hopefully there'll be a stranger nearby who can save me.
Don't worry.
I'll be fine.
Horace, I didn't realize how much Oliver still needs me.
He's practically incapable of anything.
That's not true.
Horace, can I borrow your lobster claw? My eye's itchy.
See? What have I told you about lobster claws? Not to put them in your eye.
Not to put them in your eye.
Horace, I'm sorry.
But between my son, my job, and the upkeep of my eyebrows, I clearly don't have time for a gentleman friend right now.
I understand.
Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go comfort that person who's sobbing hysterically in the bathroom.
I don't hear anyone sobbing.
You will in about ten seconds.
Does this look familiar? No.
Oh.
Well, it should.
It's the Hammer of Achelon.
The only weapon that can defeat the Key of Steel.
Say good-bye, Key Keeper.
Did somebody say Key Keeper? Who are you? I just said, "Did somebody say Key Keeper?" in a way that made it pretty obvious that I'm the Key Keeper.
I can't believe you stole the key from me.
Be quiet.
I don't care which one of you is the real Key Keeper.
I'll just slaughter you both.
Hey, Slaughter Master.
Why are you hittin' yourself? Wait.
Is that the Hammer of Achelon? Finally someone knows what it is.
There's no escape.
This is the one weapon that can destroy the Key Keeper.
What if I wasn't the Key Keeper? Oh, I'll take that.
Thank you.
Wow.
Very clever, Kaz.
I was wrong.
You are worthy to be the Key Keeper.
Yeah, you know, I have my moments.
That was not one of them.
Listen, I'm sorry I snaked the key from you.
The idea of having powers again was just so tempting.
But I don't want just anybody's powers to be a superhero.
I want my own.
I guess I just forgot that.
Forgive me? Sure.
You're trying to take the key again, aren't you? Maybe? Hey Oliver remember when you said I would never get superpowers? Watch this.
I stand by my statement.
- Where's my key? - Right here.
I'm taking it back.
I've clearly made a terrible mistake bestowing the key.
I know.
Kaz and I were being petty, and using the key for our own personal gains.
Neither of us are worthy enough.
Well, that was part of it, but it's mostly because Solar Flare told me she only goes out with superheroes.
Okay, I get it.
But just be careful.
Everybody who goes out with her gets burned.
Horace.
Hey, uh, listen.
I'm sorry for the way things went at the restaurant.
It's all right.
In fact, your mother and I talked and agreed - that it's best if we don't date anymore.
- Oh, thank goodness.
And what we should do is get engaged, so we did.
What?!! Your mother feels that because your father lives in England now, that you need a father figure around the house.
Now, to start helping you, I took your leftover lunch from the fridge, and made it safer and easier to swallow.
That used to be a Philly cheesesteak.
Now it's a Philly cheese shake.
Enjoy, huh? Oh, and more good news.
After the wedding, Aland and I are gonna move in with you and your mom.
Huh.
This is like falling down stairs that never stop.
I know.
Isn't love grand? Looks like we'll be roomies.
Just to warn you, sometimes I snore like a hippo, because when I have scary dreams, I turn into a hippo.
Next time on Mighty Med This must be some kind of secret superhero hospital.
- Who are you guys? - I'm Gulliver.
This is Chas.
Outstanding work, normos I've never seen before.
Being the only normos at Mighty Med is our thing.