Nero Wolfe (2001) s02e13 Episode Script

(announcer) The national industrial association, supporting agriculture, industry, and America's unparalleled system of distribution.
At the.
a.
, research, innovation, engineering and the free-market system are the key ingredients of our extraordinary prosperity.
Of our extraordinary prosperity.
S at the N.
I.
A.
In fighting to preserve the most vital interests of the republic and the American people.
It's an interesting fact that the members of the n.
i.
a.
Have assets of illion.
Yes, yeah, another interesting fact, prehistoric mound builders left more traces of their work oh, shut up.
Yes, sir.
Where does our bank balance stand? Ah, also an interesting fact.
We should be okay until next week.
But since you don't seem to be too terribly concerned about shut up! Yes, sir.
Get your notebook, instructions for tomorrow.
(Archie) It was a complicated plan, but it showed just how desperate he was.
(phone ringing) I'm getting writer's cramp from writing all these checks.
Here.
Thank you.
Don't spend it in one place.
What are you doing here? I'm busy! Yeah, i know you're busy, you're always busy.
I won't take up all your time.
Whaell do you want? Fergus, what kind of manner is that to speak to this nice young man? Fergus fergus? Hello, my name is Archie Goodwin.
Oh, my.
Archie Goodwin.
My husband talks about you all the time, you're a rascal.
Oh husband? Ah! All want, Goodwin? Oh, yes, i, uh, i just wanted to, uh get you to sign this document here, fergus, giving me permission to look at the hotel room there at the astor where boone got murdered.
To inspect it, we you heard what she said, come on, help the young man.
He always this cranky? Oh! Yeah? Now get outta here.
Scram! Well, it was a real pleasure meeting you there, mrs.
Cramer.
Perhaps i could take you to a cup of tea one day.
That would be delightful.
All right, Goodwin, scram.
Yes.
S, yes.
(giggling) The hurdles i had to make, you might've thought hattie harding was a temple goddess, instead of merely the assic relations for the n.
i.
a.
Ah well, this is a pleasure.
Really, really a great, great pleasure to meettheArchie Goodwin coming directly from theNero Wolfe.
I mean, i suppose you do come direct.
I mean on a beeline, miss harding, as bees to the flower, bzzz! Ah, and, umm, how can i help you, mr.
Goodwin? Well, mr.
Wolfe thinks that he needs a list of n.
i.
a.
Members that were at the banquet last tuesday.
So he sent me to get it.
Ah, yes, uh why do?? we sit down? Sure, sure.
Smells like industry.
N.
i.
a.
So mr.
Goodwin, this really is very, very interesting.
I'm just wondering, what does mr.
Wolfe want the list for? Well, i can only tell you an honest lie.
He wants to get their their autographs.
(laughing) Look, mr.
Goodwin, you do understand that this affair is of the highest degree inconvenient for my employers.
I mean, our guest for the evening, our main speaker, the director of the b.
p.
r.
, murdered right there just as the dinner was starting.
Our public relations were set back ten years in just ten seconds.
How do you know it was ten seconds? That's interesting.
That's not proven.
He was hit over the head four times with a monkey wrench.
What are you doing? Are you just trying to see how objectionable you can possibly be? No, no, miss harding, i'm trying to demonstrate what a murder investigation can be like 'cause if you had made that comment, that little remark you just made, to the police, you would never hear the end of it.
(sobbing) I'm i'm sorry.
I haven't slept for two nights, and i am a wreck.
Yes.
Now i'm gonna have to ask you to leave, all right? You know very well i can't give you that list without mr.
Erskine's approval.
Who is mr.
Erskine? Mr.
Erskine is the president of the n.
i.
a.
, mr.
Goodwin.
I'm sure you know that.
Oh yes.
Uh, mr.
Goodwin? There is one thing that you can tell me, though.
Who exactly has engaged mr.
Wolfe? In the same fix who exactly has engagedyou're in, miss harding.
See, i can't do anything importthout getting a clearance from higher up as well.
Francie, you get me mr.
Erskine right now.
Right now! (man) So what are you really after? Who knows? Mr.
Wolfe asked me to come take a look, so i'm taking a look.
And who's Wolfe working for? Ah, well, there's never any question about that.
First, last, and always, Nero Wolfe.
You know, come to think of it, so am i.
Very interesting.
Archie, what can we do for you? A request from mr.
Wolfe: He would likhere's an ything about the f.
b.
i.
Angle on the boone case that would make it, uh, undesirable for a private detective to have any interest.
(laughing) (stammering) The boone case? Yes, yes, the cheney boone murder case (laughing) Well the f.
b.
i.
Angle is that mr.
Boone was murdered while working for the government.
(laughing) Putting that aside, uh what would mr.
Wolfe's angle be? It's not so much his what his angle would be he went at me from 40 different directions.
I left half an hour later with what i expected: Nothing.
The hooks are baited.
You must have been uncommonly transparent.
Mr.
Cramer has phoned, mr.
Wragg from the f.
b.
i.
, and mr.
Rhode from the astor.
Well! Time for lunch.
(phone ringing) I'll just be a moment.
Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
Miss hattie harding calling mr.
Nero Wolfe.
Put mr.
Wolfe on, please.
Oh, well, nothing doing, see, he's engaged with a pork roast, so i'll have to do.
This is quite irregular.
In the land of the secretary, "one moment" can mean anything from ten seconds to ten minutes.
Good morning, mr.
Goodwin.
Hattie harding here.
Mr.
Erskine would like to see mr.
Wolfe.
How soon can he be here? Nothing doing, mr.
Wolfe seldom leaves the house and never merely on business.
I know that, but this is mr.
Erskine.
To you, he's all that.
To mr.
Wolfe, he's nothing but a pest.
Please hold.
Mr.
Goodwin? Yep, still here.
Older and wiser, but still here.
Mr.
Erskine will be at mr.
Wolfe's office at 4:30 today.
Now listen here, public relations.
If he comes at 4:30, he'll be waiting an hour and a half.
Mr.
Wolfe is up in the orchid rooms from 4:00 to 6:00.
Nothing ever has or ever will change it.
This is ridiculous! Sure it is, and so is this ring-around-the-rosy method for one man communicating with another, but i stand for it.
(sighing) Hold the wire.
(groaning) Operation payroll is underway.
Mr.
Frank erskine, president of the national industrial association, with outriders, will be here at ten minutes past 3:00.
Satisfactory, Archie.
Well this may be a waste of time for you, mr.
Wolfe.
Have you been engaged by anyone to investigate the cheney boone murder? Let me put it this way: I have agreed to nothing, and i have accepted no fee.
And what opinions have you formed about it? Opinions from experts cost money, mr.
Erskine.
We'll pay you for it.
Ry reasonable amount.
It wouldn't be worth even that, unless i did some work, and i don't like to work.
Excuse me, mr.
Erskine jr.
? Did you come here with the notion of hiring me? I would advise against you miging your money.
Why? Aren't you a very good investigator? Oh, i'm the best, but the situation is obvious.
What you are concerned about is the reputation of your association.
In the public mind, the trial has already been held and the verdict rendered.
Nine people out of ten are confident that they already know who killed mr.
Boone.
The n.
i.
a.
Outrageous! Preposterous! Certainly, but there it is.
Now, i admit that it would be worth almost any amount of money to the association to have the murderer exposed, but i would tackle the job with only the greatest reluctance.
Archie? All right.
Go ahead, frank.
What else can we do? Take out the check and write it.
We're businessmen, mr.
Wolfe.
We understand you can't guarantee anything.
Make it 30, frank.
When can you get started? Not right now.
It would be better for you to return this evening at, say 9:00? Say 9:i can't break.
Tment it's out of the question, 9:00.
Well, as you please, mr.
Winterhoff.
Archie, your notebook.
A telegram: "You are invited to join "a discussion of the boone murder at the office of Nero Wolfe at 9:00 this evening.
" Sign my name and send it at once to inspector cramer, mr.
Wragg of the f.
b.
i.
, mr.
Kates, miss Gunther, mrs.
Boone, and mr.
Dexter.
Will you gentlemen be here? Well, i guess we have to.
We have no choice.
Gentlemen, shall we? I am compelled to admit that Wolfe had earned my admiration.
Not for the obvious variation of the old hard-to-get finesse, but for his common sense.
He wanted to get a good look at those people, and he knew that they couldn't afford to stay away.
Hello, i bet you Archie Goodwin.
You came to see miss harding, she told me all about you.
Aren't you Archie Goodwin? Yeah i thought so, see? I came to see Nero Wolfe, may i come in? I'm don o'neill of o'neill and warder.
I'm also a member of that godforsaken conglomeration of antiques, the n.
i.
a.
Just this way? Well, sir? I admire your office.
Thank you.
I'm assuming that's not why you came here.
Oh, no.
(laughing) I'm chairman of the dinner committee, so i'm in the middle of this thing, whether i like it or not.
This idea of spending n.
i.
a.
Money to investigate a murder, it's just unrealistic, and i told them so.
Admirable.
So you came for the purpose of persuading me to call it off? Oh, no.
(laughing) I could see that was hopeless.
You wouldn't do that, would you? No, i need the money, why did you come here? Well, the police think that anyone connected with the n.
i.
a.
Is a suspect.
So i came to ask you if erskine hired you to protect them byion elsewhere.
Erskine said no.
I also say no, mr.
O'neill.
But what if mr.
Erskine and i are both lying? We're having a few people over to discuss this this evening.
Why don't you join us and keep an eye on us? Oh, i'm coming.
I told erskine and the others i'm coming.
Good, then we won't keep you.
Archie? (cramer) Everyone in this room has an alibi.
Phoebe Gunther, who isn't here, was the last person to see boone alive, when she delivered the props for his speech, including the monkey wrench that was used to kill him.
Kates over there discovered the body at 7:45.
Boone arrived late and went straight to his room, carrying a little leather case, which he gave to miss Gunther.
(woman) That's the case miss Gunther says she'd forgot and left on the windowsill, but l miss Gunther is absolutely wrong, because four people saw her with that case as she was leaving the reception.
It's amazing please, sir, what was this case, a vanity case? A briefcase? What? No, it was more like a doctor's case, but it contained cylinders from a dictating machine.
Boone had bre cylinders from washington for miss Gunther to transcribe.
After she left boone, she went to the reception room with the case and left it on the windowsill.
What was on the cylinders? What? Letters? What? Phoebe Gunther says she doesn't know, and boone didn't tell her.
May i please have a bourbon? Oh, my did anyone see the case in the reception room? No, the head n.
i.
a.
Man from Washington was the last person in there.
By god, there it is! It's always an n.
i.
a.
Man.
(all talking) Enough! The constant reference to the n.
i.
a.
Is unfortunate, gentlemen, but it cannot be helped.
Mr.
Boone had many enemies.
You cannot deny that many of them were members of the n.
i.
a.
But it isn't always an enemy, mr.
Wolfe.
Supposing he was full of ambition to become a director of b.
p.
r.
Which indeed he is at the moment.
He conceivably must've taken steps are you preferring a charge, mr.
Winterhoff? Not at all, just making a point.
And the others, the talk about boone and his secretary, Phoebe Gunther, has been going on for months.
I wanna protest, this is utterly despicable and beyond the bounds of common decency.
Keep out of this, kates, sit down.
And shut up! Surely, mr.
Kates, you're aware that personal emotions, such as jealousy, revenge, can often result in violence.
For example, was it true you wanted to marry boone's niece here and were aware he was opposed to it? What you, you big liar! (sighing) Mr.
Wolfe, did you invite us here for a typical n.
i.
a.
Inquisition? (cramer) I'll tell you why you were invited here.
He wanted to learn as much as he could, as quick as he could, without leaving his chair.
I don't know about the rest of you, but i was a sucker to come.
Purley.
Coming, wragg? Well, it's too bad ced it up lik e that.
If we'd kept at them for another, say, two weeks, we might've gotten somewhere.
It was not too bad.
A screaming success! It was not too bad.
You're absolutely right.
Of all the guests, who do you think was the most interesting? The most interesting was miss Gunther.
Yeah? Why? Because she didn't come.
Because she go and bring her here.
You understand it's 20 minutes past 11:00 p.
m.
? The streets are less dangerous at night with the reduced traffic.
Huh, well, i'll get my scooter.
It is not my custom to make personal remarks to young women during the first five minutes after meeting them.
But when she opened the door, the ceiling light right above her was shining on her hair.
And what popped out was golden bantam.
Yes, that's what i dye it with.
Yes yes, you do, uh, i'm Archie Goodwin.
Yes, you are.
Let me take your coat.
Sure.
You will give it back? I don't know, it depends on how you act.
Hat.
Yes, and scarf.
You know mr.
Kates.
Oh, uh, hello.
Good evening.
Mr.
Kates came here to tell me what happened at your party is evening.
Will you have a drink? Ah, no thank you.
So, did you come here is, or was there something else? Listen, i don't mean to bust in on you and mr.
Kates here.
That's all right, isn't it, al? It's not okay with me.
As i've told you, he's in the pay of the n.
i.
a.
So you did.
Since we know enough not to trust him, all we have to do is be a little smarter than he is and get more out of him than he gets out of us.
You know, i have a theory about mr.
Kates.
What's that? Thank you.
He must read old-fashioned novels because of the way he talks.
I wouldn't suppose a research man reads novels at all.
What would you suppose? Well, i don't discuss people who don't trust me.
And i don't think you are.
Are what? Smarter than me.
Prettier, yes.
Oh, you're much prettier, but i doubt if you're smarter.
See, i was spelling champion of zanesville, ohio, age 12.
Ooh! Spell "snoop.
" (laughing) Well, you know, that's just plain childish.
You can't be hinting that chasing people who commit crimes is work to be ashamed of, since you're smart.
So if you okay, all right, you got a poke in, made me blink.
Round one goes to you.
Round two: If you think a b.
p.
r.
Man did it and you don't want him caught, then stay as far away as possible from Nero Wolfe.
If you think an n.
i.
a.
Man did it and you'd like to help, why don't you get your coat and come along to Nero Wolfe's right now? And you if you did it yourself and you'd like to confess, get it over with.
I told you, i told you, see the way he lead to that? Don't be silly, al.
In fact, let me explain it to you.
Finding that i am smarter than he is, he decided to pick on you.
He certainly got evidence that you are a sap.
In fact, you better get going.
No.
Leave him to me.
No, he'll go on that way.
I heard you, al.
He's not to be trusted.
Kates lost the argument, of course, and within minutes, the door closed and miss Gunther was back smiling at me.
All right, go ahead.
Teach me the multiplication tables.
May i use your phone? Should i ask who you want to call? Hmm yes.
It's right over there.
I see, thanks.
(Wolfe) Yes.
Mr.
Wolfe, yes, it's Archie, i'm here with miss Gunther.
I don't think it's a good plan to bring her down there.
But that's not it she's what i've been dreaming about the last ten years.
I don't mean she's beautiful.
That's merely a matter of taste.
I only mean that she's exactly what i've had in mind.
Therefore, i think it would be better to let me handle her.
You go to bed, and i will check back with you in the morning.
Satisfactory, Archie.
All right, come on.
Come on where? Don't be demure, you worked hard trying to figure out a way to get me down to Nero Wolfe's office.
And you did a good job, i'll give you round two.
By the way, i'm glad you don't think i'm beautiful.
Nothing irritates a woman more than to be thought beautiful.
No, i didn't say you weren't beautiful, i only said i heard what you said.
It stabbed me clear through 'cause it just happens i do think i'm beautiful.
So do just in time, i saw the corner of her mouth moving and bit it off.
If you think i was muffing everything she threw my way, i won't argue.
The hell of it was, she was beautiful.
Here we are.
Wow.
May i take your coat? Yes.
Thank you.
I'll be right back, just make yourself at home.
Saffron.
It must be iranian.
Oh, it's impossible.
I can't get that.
Is she here? If it's not iranian, i don't want it.
Won't use it.
When i got to the hotel astor, i found out that mr.
Boone had asked for privacy and been taken to that room.
Mr.
Erskine took me there with the props.
And do you know mr.
Erskine well? No, but naturally i hate him.
I hate everybody connected with the n.
i.
a.
Mmm, naturally, go ahead.
I was there no more than two minutes, and as i was leaving, mr.
Boone handed me the leather case.
I went to the reception room to get a drink, and then i joined the others in the ballroom.
I was eating my fruit cocktail when i remembered that i had left the leather case on the windowsill in the reception room.
I went there to retrieve it and it was gone.
Did you look inside the case? No.
Four people say that you took the case with you from the reception room to the ballroom.
Well, do you believe them or do you believe me? What did mr.
Boone rely on you for? To do what he told me to.
Of course, but what did he get from you? Obedience, loyalty, companionship, ecstasy? Oh, for the lord's sake.
What he got was first-class work.
I'm not saying that during the two years that i worked with mr.
Boone, i was always fresh out of ecstasy, but i never took it to the office with me.
Anyway, i was saving it all up until i met mr.
Goodwin.
Oh since the n.
i.
a.
Is being blamed for the murder of mr.
Boone, you must understand that it is desirable from the standpoint of the n.
i.
a.
That the murderer be caught.
Yes, that's exactly why i agreed to see you.
Then doesn't it follow that you and the b.
p.
r.
Would prefer not to have the murderer caught? It's very logical, but i don't feel that way.
Then why didn't you come here and discuss it earlier this evening? Didn't feel like it.
But you came with mr.
Goodwin.
Mmm, certainly.
Any girl ho needed a rest would go anywhere with mr.
Goodwin.
'Cause she wouldn't have to use her mind.
Anyway, mr.
Wolfe, i didn't intend to stay all night.
And what about my turn? Very well, i agreed to answer your questions, miss Gunther.
Who approached you from the n.
i.
a.
, and what have you agreed to do? Mr.
Erskine, winterhoff, erskine jr.
, breslow, and mr.
O'neill.
They hired me to catch the murderer.
No matter who the murderer is? Yes.
Have they tried to persuade you that the murderer is not an n.
i.
a.
Man? No.
Do you think one of those five murdered him? No.
This is silly.
You say nothing but yes and no.
I am answering your questions, madam.
And so far, i haven't told you a lie.
Go ahead.
Which no one could've known was th proves that the murder was unpremeditated? No.
But it might have been unpremeditated? Yes.
Has any n.
i.
a.
Man said anything to you that indicated who took the leather case? No.
Or where it is now? No.
Do you have any idea who the murderer is? No.
Ugh how do i know that a single thing that yme is the truth? I'm under the same handicap as you.
But i have nothing to lie about.
Phooey.
Everybody has something to lie about, go ahead.
No, will you show me which way for a taxi? I'll run you up, i gotta return the car anyway.
Say, don't be aloof.
Once in a while, i like the feel of a man's arm, that's all.
Okay, i'm a man.
So i suspected.
When this is all over, i'd like to teach you how to l or look up words in the dictionary.
Thanks when this is all over.
Yes.
(Wolfe) Do not communicate further with miss Gunther except on my order.
A woman who is not a fool is dangerous.
In the morning, get saul and fred here, good night.
Yeah, good night.
Saul, you'll take the hotel astor, and cover everything and everybody.
L proceed and cover everything to the n.
i.
a.
Officesyou'l and start compiling lists as instructed.
You'll report directly to me.
Understand? Yes, sir.
Is it really as bad as that? As bad as what? You know darn well what i'm talking about.
Giving saul and fred $50 to chase the dregs.
Where's the genius in that? Genius? What us do? 1,000 people with motive and opportunity.
Why the devil did i ever let you persuade me to get into this mess? No, sir, you will not do that, you don't blame this on me.
If you wanna admit that you're licked, write a check for $30,000 and then dictate a letter to them saying that due to the fact that you caught the mumps shut up! See, you don't have anything, you don't have nothing.
Of course i do.
You do? What? Something mr.
O'neill said yesterday.
Something very peculiar.
I didn't believe a word of it.
I didn't believe don o'neill said remembe red everything and believed it less than ever.
Telegram, sir.
Thank you, Fritz.
"Circumstances make it "impossible to continue surveillance of o'neill, "but believe it is essential this be done.
"Can guarantee nothing.
Arthur breslow.
" So perhaps you will be good enough to tell me what other arrangements you have made for handling this case? No, sir, not me.
You know nothing of this? No.
Then get breslow on the phone.
Breslow what telegram? I haven't sent you any telegram.
You know nothing about a telegram to me? No, no, nothing whatever, mr.
Wolfe.
Then it's a mistake, i suspected as much.
My apologies, sir, for disturbing you.
M-may i inquire well, do we trace it, or do we assume whoever sent it knew, about the phone booths? Confound it, we can't afford to ignore it.
You'd better get him as soon as possible.
A little after 8:00 in the morning, i sat in a taxi 50 paces north of o'neill's apartment house.
At 10:00, i saw o'neill emerging to the sidewalk.
All right, that's him.
Let's go.
With the thin traffic on sunday, it took some skill to avoid discovery.
But it wasn't long before o'neill's cab stopped at the entrance to the hotel astor.
O'neill hopped out and started in.
You see that, ernie, i told you he'd be hopping it.
Here, take this.
He gave no sign of suspecting that anyone had an eye on him, and where he finally wound up was the main parcel room on the lower level.
He handed in a ticket and was given an object.
And even from where i stood, it be of interest.
Uptown.
E, mr.
O'neill.
Uptown.
, hello ther going uptown? Give me a lift? Goodwin, where'd you come from? No, i'm not actually going uptown.
Make up your mind.
No problem, just thought i'd ask you a few questions, like what do you havere? Uh, please head to west 35th street.
It's not your cab, is thi s, a hard touch? Don't worry about it, he's a friend, go ahead.
Just turn north on fifth.
Hold on there, i just thought we would save time by going straight to Nero Wolfe's office.
The address is 350 park avenue.
Don't like the idea of your apartment.
See, if we get there, i would have to pull out my licto the doorman, ask him to make a call to the 19th precinct.
It would cause quite a hubbub there.
Don't even try it, i'm younger than you, faster, and you won't get far.
Can we get going here? Let's go.
West 35th.
Mr.
O'neill, that tramping back and forth is extremely irritating.
I'm not answering questions until i hear what's on those cylinders.
Ah, go to hell.
If that's the best you can do, you are a nincompoop.
When that machine gets here, mr.
Goodwin will carry you out and set you on the stoop.
And then he and i will listen to the cylinders.
You wouldn't do that on't, mr.
Goodwin will.
Uldn't do thatw damn you! What do you want? I wanna know where you got those things.
All right, all right.
Last evening, i had a phone call at home.
It was a woman, she said her name was dorothy unger, and she worked for the b.
p.
r.
She said she had sent me a flyer, but had accidentally enclosed a baggage claim tag and would i return it as soon as possible? This morning i received the envelope and the tag, and, well, you know what i did next because you arranged it! It's preposterous.
Give the envelope to mr.
Goodwin.
No! I'm gonna get some real detective work done on this envelope and not by you.
Then you won't hear what the cylinders have to say.
Then you won't hear what the cylinders have to i must! I believe that those cylinders contain confidential dictation by cheney boone that may have something to do with to do with his murder.
Boy, i'll tell you this.
The post office is getting more and more careless every day.
Only one of the five stamps is canceled.
(clearing throat) Yes, Fritz? The machine is here, sir.
Take it easy.
Right over here.
Okay, now why don't you explain how this thing works? It's really very simple.
The microphone plugs in here.
It rests on this cradle, that's your "record" switch.
The cylinder goes on the drum, and that's it.
Thank you very much, i think i've got it.
Now, Archie, if you'll get mr.
O'neill's hat and coat.
Ah, so you think you can double-cross don'neill! O assurance ven n you would be allowed to hear anything.
Well, sir, do you prefer to be self-propelled? I'm not leaving this room! Archie.
Come along, come along with Archie.
Oh, no! That's too slow to hit anything that isn't nailed down.
(shouting) I'm not leaving! I dislike commotion, i didn't tell you to hit him.
He tried to kick me, he did kick me! Next time, you do it.
All right, start that machine.
It took more than an hour to run off all six cylinders.
press release for march 25th there was nothing spectacular anywhere in the lot, and by the time we'd finished, i couldn't blame Wolfe for being depressed.
The only item worth mentioning was that at least four of the cylinders had been dictated prior to the day of the murder.
Had boone picked up the wrong case when he left washington? Oh, boy! Take the cylinders down to mr.
Cramer, and tell him where we got them.
He will throw a fit.
No doubt.
Are you sure it's a good idea trus no, but i wanna see her.
I'll be damned.
This could be something.
Obviously cramer was desperate.
If he had any start on the boone murder, he would have cussed Wolfe and me up one side and down the other for withholding evidence.
I'll be?? Mned.
When i left Cramer for the far more dangerous task of Phoebe, he still didn't know that the cylinders weren't going to help.
Mr.
Goodwin inspector cramer's office called you? No, why does he wanna see me? He wants you now or he soon will.
I brought him those cylinders you left on the windowsill tuesday evening.
Where'd you find those? It's long story.
Do you know what's on them? Certainly, very interesting.
Not very helpful, since they were dictated before tuesday.
That's impossible.
(doorbell) Are you expecting someone? No.
(knocking) (man) Come on, Goodwin, what the hell? (sighing) Come on! Good afternoon, miss Gunther.
Sergeant stebbins, new york homicide.
My boss, inspector cramer, would be much obliged to let me drive you downtown to his office.
He's got these stenophone cylinders down there he wants you to look at.
You just get right to the point, don't you, purley? You still here? I thought you was gone.
Nuts to you.
You know, miss Gunther, you may do as you please.
Some people think that when a city employee shows up to ask them go someplace that they have to go.
That's a fallacy.
They need a document, which he does not have.
You know, mr.
Goodwin, you have a way of suggesting things that appeal to me, so you decide.
I'll go with you to see mr.
Wolfe, or i'll go with this oversize sergeant.
Whichever you say.
Whereupon, i made a mistake.
Yes uh, do you mind? I, uh i really appreciate the confidence, which i deserve.
However, and i hate to say this, i do think you should uh, accept inspector cramer's invitation.
I wixplain later.
Uh, umm see you.
Got a coat? Stebbins arrived at miss Gunther's before i could get her away, and she likes him better than she does me.
D i made a mistake, and she likes him better than she does me.
Y ha but also i was lying to the boss.
Why he must serve fred and saul breakfast in his room, i do not know.
Miss Gunther is not answering.
You should hang up.
Sacre bleu.
Merde.
(g) After seven tries throughout the day, i was still unable to find Phoebe.
After dinner, i failed again to reach Phoebe, so i stretched out on the couch, trying to work out an attack that would make Wolfe explode into some kind of action when the doorbell rang.
(doorbell) Uh, inspector cramer and solomon dexter.
I don't understand it, Wolfe, i don't understand at all.
I checked on you.
I cheked on you with the f.
b.
i.
And the army, and they gave you a clean bill.
Yet here you are, tied in wit.
, the dirtiest bunch of thieves and cutthroats in existence.
Stop shouting at me, why are you shouting at me? What does he want? Does he want something? Yeah, he thinks you fixed it with that cylinder stunt to make it look like the b.
p.
r.
Had the cylinders all the time and wanted to plant them on the n.
i.
a.
Phooey, do you think so? I do not, you would have done a better job of it.
Yes, is there anything else, mr.
Dexter? Yes, there was never a dorothy unger in the employ of the b.
p.
r.
Good heavens, of course there wasn't.
(both) What do you mean, "of course there isn't"? I mean, it's obvious there wouldn't be.
Whoever contrived that hocus- pocus about the claim check.
Certainly dorothy unger had to be invented.
And of course, you would know.
Mr.
Dexter, that is nonsense.
You accuse me of being tied up with miscreants.
I'm tied up with no one.
I'm engaged to find a murderer.
Yeah, and how far have you got? You or you yeah, and how far wouldn't be here, would you? Oh, yeah, yeah, i didn't understand why we were here the other evening, why you just didn't pick him out, so i could take him in.
Neither did i, for one moment i thought i might, when one of them said something extraordinary, but then yeah? Who said what? I'm having it looked into.
But then you broke it up and you chased them all out.
Oh, oh, yeah, i bitched it for you.
I really wanna square it with you.
I'll do anything you say.
Anything, i'll get them all in here right now.
It's an excellent idea, excellent.
Do it.
Use mr.
Goodwin's phone.
By god, you thought i meant that? I do mean it, yes.
You wouldn't be here if you weren't desperate.
Who the hell does this guy think he is? (grumbling) (Archie) Stebbins? Yeah, hold on.
Purley? Yeah, chief, the commissioner's got a cease-and-desist order.
Yeah, well, file that under "c" for crap.
You want it or not? No, you got a list of the guests that were here at Wolfe's friday evening? I'm sitting here looking at it.
Well, get them to come here immediately.
And include Phoebe Gunther.
This is gonna cost you yeah, yeah, i know, all right, but if i lose my job, what's the difference how i lose it? Well, good luck.
Yeah.
It sounds like it went pretty well.
No, not too good.
We're worse off than we were before.
No fingerprints anywhere.
If boone picked up the wrong case for washington, t then the right cylinders should have been in his office, but they weren't.
There is one other possibility.
Phoebe Gunther flew down there the day after the murder and returned that afternoon.
She had a suitcase with her.
She has no difficulty explaining her movements? Phoebe Gunther has no difficulty explaining anything.
Don't mind if i do.
The commissioner's got st.
Vitus's dance.
The mayor's having nightmares, and it's all my fault.
And by god, i sit here beefing to you.
It's the same as before.
Miss Gunther apparently does not like crowds, especially a crowd like this, right, purley? I got miss Gunther at her apartment over an hour ago, she said she'd be here.
Well, we won't wait, go ahead.
Well first, you got the request to come here from my office, but in no way is this official.
I am not responsible for getting you here, so if you wanna get up and leave, that's totally up to you, and you're free to go.
I know you probably think this is improper, that Nero Wolfe has been engaged by the n.
i.
a.
What, what, is something biting you? (stammering) What? Come, i'll show you.
Look, i always check the service gate, and this is what i found.
The light was dim, but i could see enough to tell what the object was, though not for certain who it was.
Get a flashlight, Fritz.
You stay right here.
(cramer) Nero Wolfe has been engaged by the n.
i.
a.
And on top of all that, he's gonna be doing a lot of running around here if we don't find out where Phoebe Gunther is.
(Wolfe) Now, the question which confronts us is whether it is credible mr.
Cramer, if you will go to the hall.
Mr.
Goodwin has a message for you, and take mr.
Stebbins with you.
As i was saying, the question is whether it is credible the working assumption was that Phoebe had come and mounted the stoop and that the killer struck beforel button, knocking her off the stoop, into the area way.
He then climbed down and finished the job.
Yeah, she's cold, chief.
What's that, Fritz? Put your light there.
Rght there.
A piece of 1½-inch iron pipe had been found lying next to Phoebe's body.
She had been hit on the head with it four times.
(breslow) This, this is outrageous! We have all, all, answered your questions for hours! We have let ourselves be searched, and we have told you everything you wanna know! (all talking) Shut up! Come over here and stand by this guy, and if he doesn't shut his trap, shut it for him! And that goes for everybody.
For six days i've been handling you people as tender as babies because i had to.
But now it's different.
One of you killed that woman, and it's a safe bet the same person killed boone.
So here's what i came to say.
The piece of pipe that was used to kill miss Gunther was old and flaky, so it would've left microscopic flakes on hands and clothing.
So we're going to check your hands and clothes with a microscope, whether you like it or not! Take them out and get them started, purley.
You heard the man.
Get up, get out.
Right across the hall to the dining room.
Come on, come on, it ain't no parade.
Come on, ladies, let's go.
Yeah, yeah, yeah park in there.
Uh, Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
Is mr.
Wragg there? Yes, yes, he is.
Mr.
Wragg, telephone call for you.
Yes? Yes, it's just like we thought, sir.
Our men have just finished their search of miss Gunther's apartment in washington.
Miss Gunther was lying to us.
In a hatbox in a closet, they found five stenophone cylinders.
Confound it, five.
Five, yeah, what's wrong with five? Apparently for you, nothing.
For me, five is no better than none.
Well, that's a damn shame, i apologize.
Well, what do you got? This scarf was found in the right-hand pocket of that coat.
And on its surface are between 15 and 20 particles, came from and on its surface are between 1that pipe.
Articles, h yeah, whose coat is it? Alger kates, sir.
Get him in here.
Fine citizens, huh? Were you a close friend of miss Gunther's? Not a close personal friend, no.
I saw her frequently in connection with our work.
Do you admire her? Yes, as a colleague.
Considering miss Gunther's striking and her physicality, she dressed extremely well.
Then you did notice what she wore.
In that case, when was the last time you saw her wearing that scarf? I never saw it before, on miss Gunther or anyone else.
Mmm, that's a disappointment.
Because clinging to that scarf are many tiny particles, which were found on a piece of pipe that was used to murder miss Gunther.
Also, because that scarf was found in the pocket of your overcoat.
Whose overcoat? Archie? Is this your overcoat? Mr.
Dexter! Mr.
Dexter, come in here! Cut that yelling out, cut it out! What do you want dexter for? I told him something like this would happen.
I told Phoebe not to come here tonight.
When did you tell her not to come here tonight? When? Let go of me.
Let go.
So began the great scarf hunt.
One after another, stebbins marched our guests in and asked them if they had ever seen the scarf before.
First o'neill.
No.
Then erskine.
(sighing) Yeah, yeah, yeah, it won't hurt a bit.
Come on.
Then mrs.
Boone.
No.
Your turn, sweetheart, let's go.
Then nina.
No, not at all.
(Wolfe) Are you sure of that? Yes, sir.
I'll show you back to the room.
Then erskine jr.
That? No.
Am i done? Yes.
Thank you.
And the performance was repeated four more times before mr.
Winterhoff was led in.
Mr.
Winterhoff, please take a look.
Where did you get that? That's my scarf.
Did you wear it here tonight, or did you have it in your pocket? Neither, that's the one that was stolen from me last week.
When and where last week? It was right here, it was on it was it was friday.
At Wolfe's house? That's right.
When you found it gone, who did you complain to? Well, i told, i told my i told my wife.
What are you talking about? Where did you get that? There is evidence, good evidence, thwrapped around the pipe that killed Phoebe Gunther.
Do you have any comment? I'll say i do, that's absolute nonsense.
It's preposterous, absolutely absurd.
You people are trying to frame me, that's what's going on here.
Give me my scarf, i want to go home! That's my scarf, and i want it back.
Erhoff had things to say, that's my scarf, and i want it back.
But he was shooed out because none of them seemed important.
(winterhoff) This is outrageous! When the door was closed, cramer sat down and pulled in a deep breath then let it out.
Oh, cheese and rice.
Winterhoff is a damn liar.
Oh, for god's sake, we're not after a liar.
Er oh, for god's sake, a murderer! Ter a liar.
We're aft well, it's 4:00 in the morning, and you're stuck, i'm going to bed.
Oh, weare, we'restuck.
I suppose the way you put that, you're not stuck? No, i'm not stuck.
Archie, see our guests out, i'm going to bed.
Gentlemen, let's call it a night here.
The nening, Fritz brought down Wolfe's breakfast tray, and there was a note instructing me to get saul, fred, and del bascom to report to the office at 11:00.
I need to deploy 20 men, but not at fred's rates, not at saul's rates.
He had chased me out and sent me to the kitchen to help Fritz pluck chickens.
like so, you pull, and it takes out the feather.
When i came in for lunch, Wolfe told me Archie.
I want any envelopes from bascom's office to reach me unopened.
Ha! Reports? Big operations? Yes, 20 men.
One of them may be worth his salt.
You want me to move into a hotel, so i won't hear anything unfit for my ears? Archie, you've been with me for a long time now.
Ye you like to do this? You want me to resign, or would you like to fire me? I want you to see how willing you can make miss boone.
Make miss boone? You think it can be done, you do it.
I'm speaking of an investigating operation.
I need to know how intimate she was with miss Gunther.
Perhaps telephone after lunch.
I see, well, how about lunch at the tulip room, say, tomorrow at 1:00? Okay, i may be a little late, i'm usually a little late.
Well, i should hope so.
You look like a perfectly normal woman to me.
(laughing) I'll see you tomorrow.
Okay, b'bye.
Tonight would have been better.
My dear sir, you try getting her to meet you anywhere, even attiffany's to try things on.
I was being entrusted with nothing but the little chores.
For example i was asked, for a second time, to have the stenophone company deliver a machine and leave it, though it was clear over my head, since we had nothing to play on it.
Erskine and company showed up to try and get from Wolfe some kind of progress report.
For god's sake, when? 24 hours? Give him hell, frank.
48? Each day's delay means untold damage to the n.
i.
a.
And therefore the most vital interests of the republic and the American people! You're breaking my heart, pop.
Shut up! (breslow) We've decided to offer a reward of $100,000 to anyone furnishing information leading to the arrest and trial of the murderer.
You wouldn't expect conviction? No, of course not.
Arrest and trial will be enough.
Hmm so what would you like to ask me? Oh, no, no, not yet, no.
My rule with a girl is to spend the first 15 minutes discussing her looks.
And if i do that properly, i will have you in a frame of mind where i will be copying down your social security number.
I like this.
Go on, drag things out of me.
Are you sure? Yeah? All right, but my technique, it's a little unusual.
For instance, there's probably 100 men investigating your people, trying to find out, for example, if you and erskine jr.
Are champing at the bit, right? Waiting to find out if his wife will give him a divorce.
Me, i'd like to settle it with you, find out direct, right? Are you? Am i what? Champing? At the bit.
No, i'm champing shrimps.
Yeah.
Did you know any of those n.
i.
a.
People personally? Maybe a few.
But if we went over every conversation, we wouldn't find anything even remotely resembling an angle.
Oh.
And what about your aunt? Did she have a lot of friends, if you know what i mean? Ask her.
Maybe that's what she wants to see you about.
Do you accept breslow's suggestion that your aunt killed her husband on account of the jealousy for Phoebe Gunther and later finished the job at Wolfe's house? No, does anybody? Well what about this? Do you think that Phoebe Gunther would be trite enough to have a baby? Oh, good lord, you pick up all the crumbs, don't you? Did you like Phoebe Gunther? I envied her, i would've liked to have her job.
But i wasn't foolish enough to think that i could fill it.
Besides, she had b.
p.
r.
Fever.
B.
p.
r.
Fever, huh? Was it bad? One of the most severe cases on record.
She was actually more dangerous to the n.
i.
a.
Than my uncle.
Really? About dexter or kates? Kates? Good heavens.
Just look at him, he's just an adding machine.
Ah, in a pig's eye, no, he's sinister.
Alger kates, sinister? Mmm t an old married frump.
Mmm jus telephone for you, mr.
Goodwin.
Careful.
Excuse me a moment.
Archie, get down here at once.
What for? Without delay.
We were just about to leave t o go to see mrs.
Boone, now i said get down here! Confound it! (muttering) What the devil took you so long? It's insufferable.
Who is inspector ash? Ash, you remember ash.
He was a captain under cramer.
Now he's in homicide in queens.
Is the car in good condition? Certainly, why? I need a ride to police headquarters.
Inspector cramer they've removed him from the boone-Gunther case.
And ins place.
And he has served me with a warrant for my arrest.
Cramer got booted? Well, so says mr.
What's-his-name.
Who, h confound it, must i repeat this over and over again? Inspector ash has replaced mr.
Cramer, and now we must see this moron, ash.
They say he's an idiot! You're not a lawyer.
Nothing that's been said to you by anyone has the status of a privileged conversation.
That remark is childish.
And then refuse to tell you on the grounds that it's privileged? Phooey! The problem with you, Wolfe, is that you were spoiled by my predecessor.
He didn't know how to handle you.
With me in charge, you're gonna see a big difference.
Mr.
Ash, you are both a numskull and a hooligan.
So you're gonna try it on me? That will do for that.
Yes, sir, i only wanted i don't give a damn what you wanted.
It was your idea Wolfe was holding out.
Now get on with it.
Yes, sir.
I only know that in every case where Wolfe's within smelling distance of money, he always manages to get something that nobody else can get, and then he hangs on to it till it suits him to let go.
You might add then when he does let go, you might add then disastrous for some lawbreaker.
Is that a reason to call the tune for the police department? This babbling is frivolous! Was i hauled down here to listen to a discussion of my character? You were hauled here to tell us everything you know about these murders.
I wouldn't be surprised if you know something boone and the Gunther woman.
Certainly i do.
And so do you.
He does not mean we have the murderer down in the car.
You mean it or you don't.
What do you think you're doing? If you're bluffing, you're gonna eat it.
If not, for once in your life, you're gonna be opened up.
Let me take him, sir.
Here in the office, it might be embarrassing.
You hopeless imbecile.
This is farcical, Archie, take me home.
(struggling) Archie, telephone mr.
Parker and arrange for bail, immediately! He stays right here.
Now, listen, this is ridiculous.
We all want the same thing am i under arrest? Technically no, but, well, yes.
If you want a word out of me, you can vacate those warrants, and get rid of this fiend, he jars me! And get ri'll take him, fiend, he struck an officer.
I think you had better leave this to the district attorney and me.
It's your decision, sir.
I don't care what he gets away with.
I only care about one thing, getting this case solved! Yes, sir.
Someday i'm gonna help you lose some weight.
All right, you got away with it.
Now, what do you know? First, why was mr.
Cramer demoted and disgraced? He wasn't.
Nonsense, whatever you call it, why? Officially, for a change of scene.
Off the record, he was muffing it.
He'd got his mind fixed on one aspect of the case, and that's all he could think of or talk about, that missing sixth cylinder.
Mr.
Cramer was concentrating on that? Yes, he had 50 men looking for it, and he wanted to assign another 50.
And that was the reason for you removing him? Yes.
Ha! Then you are an imbecile, too.
I didn't know mr.
Cramer had it in him to see that.
Finding that cylinder, sir, if not our only chance, is beyond all comparison, our best one.
(laughing) That's you all right, Wolfe.
I suspected it was only fireworks.
You said you'd already got him.
I said that i know something that gives me a good, clear idea of the murderer's identity, and also that you people know it, too.
You impervious bas supposing you tell us what gives you a good, clear idea of who the murderer is, including who! No, sir.
Why not? Because of your idiotic treatment of mr.
Cramer.
If you were to pass my ideas on to mr.
Ash, he might, by pure chance, do something that would result in solving the case.
And i would stop short of nothing to prevent that! Help mr.
Ash to a triumph? God forbid! How about this? Do you think miss Gunther knew who killed boone? Certainly she did.
Naturally, you'd like that, since it would eliminate your clients.
You're missing the whole point.
What has been the outstanding fact about this case, sir? This that the public, the people, have unanimously convicted, not an individual, but an organization, the national industrial association, for the murder of cheney boone.
Now, what if you were miss Gunther, and you knew who killed boone? Would she have exposed him? Of course not.
She was a zealot.
And she was intelligent enough to calculate that if someone was arrested for the murder of cheney boone, the resentment against the n.
i.
a.
Would end.
If she had evidence, the sixth cylinder for example, that pointed to someone, anyone, she would suppress it, but she would not destroy it because she wouldn't want the murderer to go free.
She would hide it where it wouldn't be found, but where she could retrieve it once the n.
i.
a.
Had sustained sufficient damage.
She was a remarkable young woman.
But she made the mistake of permitting the murderer to learn that she knew who he was, and she paid for that.
What makes you so damn sure about this cylinder? You got it in your pocket? No, if i had what if you're selling a bill of goods? I wouldn't call you a bald-faced liar i don't say i'm not, mr.
Hombert.
We all take chances when we exchange words with other human beings.
So i might as well go home.
Archie.
Are the chickens in the oven yet? No, sir, it is too early.
You have a visitor at the office.
Female.
I have ten minutes, madam.
Naturally, you're wondering why i'm here.
Naturally.
I phoned my cousin this morning, he told me about you.
Do i know your cousin? General carpenter.
He told me not to believe anything you said, but to do whatever you told me to do.
You have eight minutes left, madam.
I suggest if you have anything relevant to say that you begin.
He also warned me that you'd be incredibly rude.
I might as well come right out and say that i think i'm responsible for the death of Phoebe Gunther.
That's an uncomfortable thought, where did you get it? That's what i wanna tell you, but it seems silly because you're working for them, the n.
i.
a.
Archie, your notebook.
Take a letter, to the national industrial association.
"Gentlemen, the course events have taken "obliges me to inform you that it will be impossible for me "to continue to act on your behalf "with regards to the murders of mr.
Boone and miss Gunther.
"I enclose herewith my check for $30,000, "returning the retainer you have paid me, with you in this matter.
" Do i draw the check? Certainly, you can't enclose it without drawing the check.
I am now neutral, madam, what is it you wanted to tell me? Miss Gunther knew who killed my husband.
My husband had dictated something on one of those cylinders that told about it, and she had the cylinder.
She intended to give it to the police, but she was waiting until the rumors had done as much damage as possible to the n.
i.
a.
Why did she tell you? Because i knew that she wasn't telling the truth about that leather case.
I knew she had it with her at the table in the dining room.
She told me so i would promise not to tell the police about it.
Did she tell you who the murderer was? That's why i think i am responsible for her death.
If i had broken my promise and told the police about it, she wouldn't have been killed.
As you can see, i've broken the law, too.
Well, that part of it is all right.
Or it will be as soon as you tell me and i tell the police where miss Gunther put that cylinder.
But i can't, i don't know, she didn't tell me.
That's nonsense! Of course she told you! She did not, that's the reason i'm here.
She told me that i didn't need to worry about the man who killed my husband being punished.
But if the only evidence is that missing cylinder, i, l so you can see why i need your advice.
I regret, madam, that there's nothing i can do for you.
You should go home and tell the police what you have told me.
I agree with you that if you had broken your promise, miss Gunther would not have been killed, but it was she who asked for the promise.
So the responsibility was hers.
Good afternoon, madam.
You purchased the saffron? Yes, but it is spanish.
Where is it? I shal i'm not telling you.
Archie! That letter and that check, you better get that done.
What? To the n.
i.
a.
? Yes, ten minutes, ten minutes and no longer.
Whoa, wyou're going to send t hat check.
You cannot chill them properly in less than 12.
Well, let me tell you something.
That's not just being eccentric, that's plain loony.
12! What happened to operation payroll? Don't tell me you suddenly got a scruple? You know what? I regret to inform you we have lost the checkbook.
Draw that check and type that letter! You know, Fritz, statistics show that 422/3% of all geniuses eventually go crazy.
Sooner or later, they lose it.
Archie, Archie, sit down.
Dr.
Vollmer is going to be paying us a visit later, and you need instructions.
Well, that's a very good thing, although dr.
Vollmer is not a psychiatrist.
At least his mind was still at least his mind was stillon ing ento send for a doctor.
No, th what's the ceiling on it? I don't want any.
I should have explained, doc do you want to pay $2 a pound for butter? 50¢ for shoestrings? $1 for a bottle of beer? Well, confound it, answer me! I don't know if it's the willies or what, but as you can see just because i ask you to lend me $5 until the beginning mean that i'm a frugal person.
Who wrote this script for him? It's been like this sint him hom e.
He's been out of the house? Archie tells me that you're masquerading as a doctor, bah! They'll take your clothes off, too! Oh, ye they'll examine every inch of your skin.
They'll find the mark, the one that entitles you to a discount.
The first thing we'll need is a lot of nurses.
Nurses, very good idea.
Nurses? Phooey, nurses! Many nurses.
Now you're talking.
Phooey, aren't you a physician? Don't you know a nervous breakdown when you see one? Yes, yes, i do.
Well, then what's the matter with it? Well, theit doesn't seem the matter typical.
That's a faulty observation! That's a defect in your training! Specifically, it's a persecution complex, you idiot! And who's been doing the persecuting? I feel it coming on again, Archie, tell him, tell him! Look, doc, it's serious, the police are convinced that mr.
Wolfe knows who killed cheney boone and that he won't let on.
Now, that's shocking.
Well, it gets worse, here's the thing: The n.
i.
a.
, they're gonna be at the door.
The police are gonna be at the door.
The press is gonna be at the door.
They're all gonna be there tomorrow, all of them.
If i could just have a certificate that shows that no one can see him, and that it's best if he just remains alone, not hospitalized, but just here paper? So how long does this certificate have to last? For a very long time.
Well then, before you get the certificate, i have to administer some tests.
Aren't the symptoms, uh, sufficient, uh just some tests to rule out any sort of neurological problem make sure there's a dementia.
Okay? This is going to be very easy, all right? Just make it brief.
H.
" Ahh ahh.
Ahh raise it up.
Ahh all right, this is called an inkblot test.
There, now, what do you see? An eastern european village where east could you be more specific? Now it's changed, it's a piece of veal now.
Veal? Yes, a piece of veal.
How well cooked is it? Medium.
Medium? Yes.
That's well done, wouldn't you say? I don't know, it's subjective! Very good, all right.
Let me see what's going on up here.
Bumps.
Bumps? Looking for bumps.
What kind of bumps? Phrenologic bumps.
You finished? Not quite, just hold that.
We're going to check your "scoocher.
" What do you mean? No, don't.
Yes, we have to.
You're not going to cut me! They're coming in hordes, i see them on chariots with spiked wheels, waving insulin banners of inflation! Oh! Archie! They're pelting me with worthless coins! Well, i think this will be enough.
Archie! Just make sure the certificate is as strong as possible.
Certificate, yes.
It didn't get lonely during the 2½ days.
Thursday, friday, and part of saturday, the certificate worked.
(doorbell) Get lost! (doorbell) Newspapermen, cops, the f.
b.
i.
, the n.
i.
a.
, they all appreciated that i was holding the fort under trying circumstances.
Throughout the siege, Wolfe stayed put in his room.
This led to several disputes.
I say it's a handicap.
I still don't know one thing about what you're up to.
That's nonsense, of course you do.
You know all about it.
I have 20 men looking for that cylinder.
It must be found, and it will be.
I just prefer to stay here in my room and wait.
Nuts what if it's never found? It will be found! It has not been destroyed.
It exists, therefore, it will be found.
My chief reason for admitting that Wolfe really meant what he said about the cylinder was that we were paying $1-a-day rent for the machine.
(phone ringing) Yes, sir.
I wish to tion with inspector cramer, please arrange it.
Uh, no, sir, no matter how bitter cramer might be, he's still a cop.
And your voice sounding natural and making sense will tend to cast doubt on doc vollmer's certificate, don't you realize that? Then at least find out where he can be reached.
When i dialed his home, cramer answered himself.
(dial tone) He kept the conversation brief and to the point.
(doorbell) Naturally, the siege continued.
The n.
i.
a.
Came, all six of them.
(all shouting) Throughout the years, i've seen a lot of sore, frantic people in that office, but this aggregation of specimens was second to none.
(all shouting) Ee fit to inform them that you've kept the cylinder hounds on the job at your own expense.
It doesn't matter, they'll learn it when the time comes.
The scientific name for the disease you got is acute malignant optimism.
Yeah, i am sorry Wolfe collapsed under the strain, and i'll tell inspector ash to conduct himself diplomatically when he gets down there.
Uh, no, no, sorry, it's doctor's orders.
No one is to see mr.
Wolfe.
No one at all, all right? Look, Goodwin not even insurance salesmen.
By dropping the n.
i.
a.
As his client, it puts it beyond argument that Wolfe knows the identity of the murderer.
I want it, and i want it now! Oh, you want it? You want it now? You think he knows the name you really think that, right? Well, there's a lot of people who think that and want that information, but under no doc vollmer got more of it than i did.
The police were pestering him hourly about the state of Wolfe's health, but he enjoyed it.
I wanna talk to him.
You're bluffing.
(laughing) At first, we visited Wolfe's bedroom, but when Wolfe started to enjoy himself look, big, black worms with dollar signs crawling down the wall.
We got out of there.
I never did understand why they didn't try quicker to break it up.
By saturday noon, all hell broke loose.
(phone ringing) Nero Wolfe's office, Archie Goodwin speaking.
I was alone in the office when the phone rang, and i was even more alone when it was over and i hung up.
Oh, boy.
Ok, pagliaccio, you are booked for the big time.
An eminent neurologist named green, hired by city of new york and equipped with a court order, will arrive here to give you an audition at quarter to six, now what? Why the devil did you agree on an hour? Because i had to! They wanted to make it right now! Quit yelling at me! Go downstairs, i have to think.
Do you mean to tell me you actually have not figured out what to do? Archie, get out of here.
How am i supposed to put my mind on it with you standing there bellowing? For the next two minutes, from 12:30 to 12:32, my state of mind was really not fit to be recorded for family viewing.
The hell of it was, as i saw it, we were being bombed out of a position that no one but a maniac would ever have occupied in the first place.
(pounding on the door) No admittance, this is a house of mourning, now beat it! Get Fritz and come to the office at once.
Fritz! I am a brainless booby.
Yes, sir.
So are you, Archie.
You know how important that missing cylinder is, and yet, by heaven, it hadn't occurred to either of us that miss Gunther was alone here in this room for a good four to five minutes that first evening she was here.
Yes, sir, so you think no, no, i am through pretending to think.
Fritz, a young woman was in here alone for four minutes.
Now, she had in her pocket a black cylinder, 3 x 6 inches.
On the assumption that she hid it in this room, find it.
Should we disections? I don't care.
Well, just, uh, start looking.
Confound that woman.
Mr.
Wolfe? Yes.
Is this it? Ideal, ideal, yes.
She really was extraordinaryc hine.
Fritz, i congratulate you.
You tried the bottom shelf first, which was sensible.
What's the matter? Won't it go? Certainly it will go.
Please, don't hurry me, i'm nervous.
I have the brain of a mollusk.
(man) Miss Gunther, this is for no one but you and me.
I have just had a talk with henry a.
Warder for five minutes, neither of us moved a muscle.
he claims that his only purpose is to acquaint me with the facts, so that i can put a stop to it by getting when it came to the end, i reached and turned the switch off.
You have mr.
Cramer's phone number? Yes, sir.
Good, get him.
For example, "dead men tell no tales.
" Mr.
Boone is dead.
Mr.
Boone is silent but he speaks.
The silent speaker.
(man) Precinct.
Inspector cramer, please.
By 4:00 our guests were seated.
Inspector cramer was in the red leather chair.
In chairs nearby were our former client, don o'neill.
Saul panzer was by the globe.
O'neill's vice president, henry a.
Warder, and alger kates from the bureau of price regulation.
This is going to be disagreeable, gentlemen, for all three of you.
So let's make it as brief as we can.
We have found the sixth cylinder.
It was hidden in this room by miss Gunther last week.
We shall now listen to that cylinder.
I beg you, do not interrupt.
Archie, turn it on.
(man) Miss Gunther, this is for no one but you and me.
I have just had a talk with henry a.
Warder, vice president of o'neill and warder, and he told me of o'neill and warder, and he told me! Nothing stirring, you sit down, eh? That was under a pledge of confidence.
Can it! Go ahead, Goodwin.
Warder has known for several months that the president of his company, don o'neill, has spent at least $16,000 bribing a member of the b.
p.
r.
Staff.
Warder strongly disapproves of bribery, and he claims that his only purpose is to acquaint me with the facts, so that i can put a stop to it by getting rid of rrupted subordinate.
So that i can put a stop to it by getting rid ofe co now, this will be a surprise to you, i know it was to me.
The man o'neill has bought is alger kates for a miserable $16,000.
I don't thch being betraye d for something up in the millions, but for $16,000? If i were to face kates right now, i think i'd get my fingers around his throat and choke him to death! (Wolfe) What about it, mr.
Kates? When you enterom, and mr.
Boone found himself face-to-face with you, did he get his fingers around your throat? No.
You just stay out of this, kates.
Just keep your mouth shut.
Oh, that's marvelous, mr.
O'neill.
It really is, almost verbatim.
That first evening that you were here, you admonished him in the same manner, like an employer to an employee, as indeed it was.
I had 20 men working on the connection between the two of you.
The police were utterly incompetent.
They should have found that piece of pipe in a few hours.
Foe, listen to him, he's sore.
He's a fool, he's a contemptible fool.
For god sakes, man.
I didn't think you were capable of murder.
Neither did i.
She wouldn't even promise to destroy that cylinder.
She wouldn't even promise! I should've killed you at the same time.
I could've, you were afraid of me.
You're afraid of me now.
You say that you're you're surprised that i'm gonna commit murder.
You knew all about it! Take it easy.
How did he know all about it? I im.
That's a lie! Shut up.
When did you tell him? Mr.
Cramer, isn't this a waste of time? I mean, you're going to have to go through all of this again downtown.
And this gentleman seems ready to cooperate.
He's ready, ready for the electric chair! Sit down.
As bad as he is, mr.
O'neill, he has the grace to accept the inevitable with a degree of decorum.
You, on the contrary, try to wiggle.
I'm seeing this through.
I'm not going anywhere! Oh, but you are, you're going to jail.
What about it, mr.
Warder? Are you going to repudiate your interview with mr.
Boone? I'm going to tell the truth.
Did mr.
Boone tell the truth on the cylinder? Yes, he did.
There you are, sir, bribery is a felony.
Mr.
Cramer, get them out of here.
I can't stand to look at them anymore.
Archie, pack up that cylinder.
Mr.
Cramer might want to take it with him.
Hold it a second, Goodwin.
I'd like to use your phone.
Cramer didn't ask for the homicide office, but instt to the top.
Commissioner? (man) Yeah.
Inspector cramer.
What, cramer? Yes, sir.
Aren't you at the station? No, sir, i'm at Nero Wolfe's office.
You trying to pull something? Uh, no, sir, i'm not trying to horn in, but cramer, get out of there, i'll have you on charges.
Yes, sir, i'm i'm aware that would be a breach of discipline, but if you'd just is Wolfe there? Certainly Wolfe is here.
Or did you break in? No, i didn't break in, i've got the man, i've got the evidence, and i've got the confession.
You got him? Yes, sir, that's exactly what i'm telling you.
Send three cars and six men.
Are you on the level, cramer? Yes, sir, i'm telling you.
The case is finished.
Cramer phoned for an appointment at 11:00 the next day.
Ah.
So will you have some beer? Uh, no, thanks, i suppose i won't.
I got a busy day.
I guess you heard i'm back at my desk.
Inspector ash has been moved to staten island.
Yes, we heard, i congratulate you.
Much obliged.
So with me back at my old stand, better watch your step.
You try pulling any fast ones, i'm still gonna be on your neck.
Oh, i wouldn't dream of pulling a fast one.
Yeah, sure.
Just so we understand each other.
Yes.
That's gratitude for you.
I said, that's gratitud that's a hell of a way to say thank you.
Oh, Archie.
One of your most serious defects issentiment.
None.
Nuts.
I am sentimental about this $100,000 reward from the n.
i.
a.
, i tell you that.
I should have known you would never return $30,000 if you didn't have your eye on a real good replacement.
That was businesslike of them, paying the reward so promptly.
Little do they know.
Little do they know what? There's several ways we could do this, all right? What i'm gonna do is i'm gonna ask questions, and i'm gonna provide the answers.
What the devil are you talking about? Question number one: When did you find the cylinder? Saturday afternoon when you waddled in here in your pajamas and belittled your brain? No, of course not, not a chance.
You knew where it was the whole time.
Question number two: Why, if you knew where the cylinder was, did you pester mrs.
Boone to tell you? Answer: Because you wanted to make sure she didn't know, so that she couldn't go to the police and get the $100,000 check herself.
Question number three: What's the big deal? Huh? If you found the cylinder, why didn't you just, uh, give it up? The answer: 'cause you don't like the n.
i.
a.
You don't like the n.
i.
a.
, and you wanted to prolong the pain as long as possible.
Yes, well, you left one thing out.
What's that? Miss Gunther.
What about her? She ha audacity and even im agination in using the murder of mr.
Boone for a purpose that he would have approved.
Surely she deserved not to have her murder wasted.
I found myself in a position to see that it wasn't.
Yeah, but i almost forthis is for you.
Hope you like it.
Well, my god.
Twice in one day, first miss Gunther, and now cramer brings you an orchid.
When will all the sentiment end? Brassolaeliocattleya.
It's handsome.