Package Deal (2013) s02e13 Episode Script

Danny! Tanya.
You startled me.
You always say that.
Because you always startle me.
The files you requested my liege.
Yes? I just love watching you work.
When do you watch me work? You'd be surprised! Not anymore.
Thank God! If you'll excuse us.
Just holler if you need me.
I'll be close by.
So what's going on, kemosabe? Huh? We barely see you anymore since you and Kim broke up.
Yeah.
We're starting to worry, Danny.
You're not doing drugs, are you? Marshmallow reds? Mama Coca? King Ivory? Pakistani black? No! I've just been swamped with work.
In fact, I'm working on a big case right now.
Oh, yeah? What is it? Murder? Embezzlement? Insider trading? Public indecency.
But my client's innocent.
His pants fell off.
Come on, Danny! You're burying your feelings in work.
You need to get out there.
Well, I guess one night off wouldn't kill me.
Although I would feel bad for neglecting the case.
Just have that temp tell your client to keep his pants on.
I'm on it! Oh Hey.
What about her? She's your type.
I'm not here to pick up girls.
I just want to hang out with you guys.
Look, Danny.
You need to get back on the horse, okay? A nice, flexible horse with low standards.
Speaking of which, what about her? I just don't know if I'm ready to date yet, Sheldon.
Mm.
I said that once.
Want to know what I did last night? I ate snack cakes, alone, in the tub.
Not twinkies, either.
Off-brand stuff.
Real garbage.
Okay.
Maybe you're right.
She is kind of cute.
Attaboy! Go fetch.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
I just gotta say, you are the first thing to make me smile all day.
Thanks.
That's sweet.
It's just I've been stuck in court all day.
Yep, I'm a lawyer.
Criminal defense.
So, if you ever, uh find yourself arrested, give me a call.
Why would I be arrested? I don't know.
Maybe you got into credit card debt.
Then some guy really nice guy asks you to carry a "package" over the border.
You get stopped.
Now you're staring down a felony 'cause you hid a balloon up your rectum.
Will you excuse me? What the hell was that? I don't know! I knew it was wrong the whole time! I just couldn't stop talking! Okay, next time you paint yourself into a corner like that, try telling her, "I'm gonna have to arrest you for stealing my heart.
" Oh, that's good! Okay.
I'm on it.
Danny, that ship has already sailed.
Also, for future reference, I've never seen a pick-up line go well that included the word "rectum.
" TJ! Thank God you're back! Where've you been? I was in India.
I was building schools for the underprivileged.
Well, that sounds like fun.
Except for the malaria, extreme poverty, and, well, that's more than enough.
You know, I met this one kid, could not have been older than six.
He was going blind due to the poor quality of the water Yeah, that's terrible.
Listen, do you have any of those really crunchy apples? Yeah, I think I do right here.
Oh, and we got some bitchin' cantaloupes.
You've gotta try these.
Oh, what's happening here? Oatmeal? Kale chia seeds? Dude.
Nice basket.
Well, you know me.
Always trying to be healthy.
Lots of germs everywhere.
Lots and lots of germs.
You know, you would've loved this tea that I tried in India.
Cures everything.
Wish I could find it.
I might know a tea shop that has it.
Awesome.
Can you take me? In my car? But you smell like produce.
Why don't I just give you the address? It's only 15 minutes away.
Yeah, by car.
I only bike.
You ever heard of climate change? Of course, and I do my part.
All right, I'll take you.
Wicked.
You got a bike rack? No, but I have plenty of room.
I have a massive SUV.
Hey.
How was your date last night? Ah, it was okay.
Well, I don't see any shame on you, so I'm guessing it wasn't that great.
He talked a lot about his work.
Let me guess.
Lawyer? Yes! How'd you know? Far be it for me to offer advice, but since you didn't ask maybe you should try dating people who aren't exactly like Danny.
Daniel's not like Danny.
He's a real estate lawyer.
He has two sisters.
You need to date people more like you.
Hello, stranger.
Ryan.
What are you doing here? Hey, I'm TJ.
Friend of Ryan's.
"Friend.
" TJ works at the market near my house.
"Organic Orchard.
" You know how everyone pretends to like kale now? That was us.
TJ just got back from India, where he found some rare tea.
Yeah.
It's called "Maharaja Magic.
" That stuff is amazing.
I don't have any in, but I can order it.
Just give me a second.
Awesome! Pfft.
Look at that guy.
Pimps organic groceries, wears sandals ugh.
Now, that's the kind of guy you should be with.
He is kind of cute.
Hey, TJ? Why don't you just write your number down? I'll give you a call when it gets in.
I should have it by Saturday.
Cool.
Saturday works for me.
How about you? Me? Yeah, I'll need a lift.
Well, it's not huge, but I've been told it's bigger than average.
Sounds like a very impressive loft.
Maybe you'd, uh, like to come see it? I don't think my husband would be too happy about that.
Oh! Heh I am so I hope you guys have a wonderful evening.
What was that? How was I to know she was married? It's the little things, Danny.
The gleam in her eye, the way she carries herself, the giant diamond sitting right there on top of her wedding finger.
Forget it.
You know, I should be focusing on my case anyway.
My client's pants fell off again.
This time at a waterpark.
Oh, no, no.
You're not quitting.
Okay? Picking up chicks is just like sales.
You knock on a hundred doors until one finally lets you in side.
Fine.
One more.
Can I buy you a drink? I don't get it.
What am I doing wrong? I've seen this before.
You've got dump-stink.
Is this another one of your theories? Oh, no.
This is science.
The dumpee that's you gives off an aura of desperation that actually repels women.
So how long does this so-called dump stink last? Nobody knows.
A day, a week sometimes it never goes away.
What's this? Ah, that is jicama.
It's a root vegetable.
Very high in fibre.
How's it taste? Like crap.
Hey, TJ.
- Hey.
- Oh.
Hi, Ryan.
Kim, what are you doing here? Oh, I'm here to see TJ.
Hmm.
We're going out.
You're going out? Like, as in outside? As in a picnic and a hike.
Oh.
What a nice thing for two new "friends" to do.
I'll just go clock out.
So jicama? I'm not telling you anything about Kim and TJ! She's my friend! Drink whatever you want.
It's on me.
So they're really into each other.
Dining, hiking, composting.
Well, is it serious? Oh, there's some talk of taking a hemp-weaving class together.
Oh, no.
What have I done? What's the big deal? So you set Kim up with the man of her dreams.
Don't talk like that.
What if Danny finds out? He'll kill me.
Why? Isn't he over her? Oh, pfft! Completely! Wait what's the word? Not at all.
Really? Kim doesn't seem like someone you'd get hung up on.
Tell me about it! But I can't be the one responsible for Kim falling in love.
So what? You want her to be miserable for the rest of her life? Of course not.
Just until Danny's happy.
Well, you better find someone for him quick.
TJ called her his "little polar bear," then cried because they're endangered.
Hey, Danny! Tanya.
Don't you ever knock? I made you a smoothie.
You need to stay healthy.
Thank you.
That's very thoughtful.
What's in it? Fresh strawberries, blueberries, and bananas.
Oh, and I also put in a few sugar packets, two shots of espresso, and ginseng.
I just had one! Rainbows! Why did I just say "rainbows"? Rainbows! There.
I said it again! Hey, Danny.
I think I solved your dump-stink.
I wasn't dumped, and I don't have dump-stink.
You're right.
You're a winner, Danny! Even if all the women hate you.
You need to face the facts, man.
You smell real bad.
And I think it's rubbing off on me.
I'm stink-adjacent here, okay? We need to get you an easy lay.
Forget it, Sheldon.
Look, it's way too soon after Kim anyway.
Look, Danny.
You need to forget about Kim.
You think she's just sitting around taking it slow? Definitely not.
I mean, I would think.
Do you know something about Kim? Well, I I ran into her.
And she said she was dating? Yeah, but I'm sure it's nothing serious.
I mean, she's probably dating hundreds of guys.
Wow.
Kim's dating.
I guess this is really real.
Right.
Now we've gotta get you back in the sack.
Now.
Where can we find a chick desperate enough to overlook the foul stench of desperation that's emanating from your every pore? I just read your brief on that triple homicide.
You're a poet, Danny.
Where are we gonna find a girl? Do you know any? - What's your temp's name? - Tanya.
I know a girl named Tanya.
Here.
I got you a little something.
Call it a one-week anniversary gift.
Aww.
A present? - Yeah.
- What is it? Well, why don't you guess? A bike lock? Oh, my God! It's awesome.
Is that a spa certificate? It's a free high colonic.
I would've gone with the bike lock.
I love it.
Thank you.
Mm.
I better get going.
My shift starts at four.
It's 1:30.
Yeah, but I gotta bike all the way across town, and then use the produce hose to shower off.
He sure is serious about saving the world.
Yeah.
Super, super serious.
I mean, he caught yellow fever in India.
How sexy is that? Oh, almost as sexy as that bike helmet.
So you're, uh, really into this guy, huh? What's that supposed to mean? Oh, nothing.
He's just really different from Danny.
Aren't you the one who told me to date people more like me? Yeah.
I also told you to date a long-haul trucker.
You really should give him another shot.
No offense, but he was really creepy.
As opposed to this guy, who's really into your colon? I can't believe I'm actually on a date with Danny White.
Danny White! In the flesh.
So what happened to that girl you were dating? She seemed super-nice.
Kim? Oh, we, uh, we broke up.
It was mutual.
No one dumped me.
Well, her loss.
She was a bitch anyway.
Hey, forget her.
You and I are on a date.
It's like a dream.
More like a dream come true.
Wow.
That was not what I thought it would be.
What do you mean? Kiss me again! Yup.
Nothin'.
Nope.
Nothing? I guess the fantasy is better than reality sometimes.
I don't think this is gonna work out, Danny.
Whoa whoa whoa.
Wait a minute.
Are you dumping me? Aww! We can still be friends.
What am I gonna do? Huh? What if Kim ends up marrying this guy? Look, will you calm down? What you did was a good thing for all of us, okay? Because of you, now Danny can finally move on.
Danny.
How'd things go with Tanya? She bailed in the middle of our date.
I actually repelled my stalker.
How could you not score with Tanya? A lower-hanging fruit does not exist! What are you doing? I'm ordering you a Russian bride.
Look.
Look at this.
Huh? A wide selection.
Plus free shipping.
Sheldon, I don't need a mail-order bride.
Danny, you don't have a lot of options anymore.
What you need is a woman that's happy with the occasional pair of new jeans and an apartment with running water.
Stop! What I need is Kim.
Who am I kidding, guys? I'm still in love with her.
You know what? You gotta forget about Kim.
Move on.
She's found the man of her dreams, thanks to Ryan.
What do you mean, "thanks to Ryan"? Okay, fine! I kind of inadvertently set Kim up.
What? So-so-so you introduced her to some friend of yours? Well, I wouldn't exactly call TJ a friend.
I mean, not to be elitist, but, well, you know, he's a stockboy! Why would you even set her up? You can't stand Kim.
I didn't mean to! I mean, how was I supposed to know she'd fall for a vegetarian eco-hipster? Dammit! I should've seen that coming.
What am I gonna do? Got one! How do you feel about unibrows? Ooh banana-rama rum cake! My favorite! Don't tell TJ.
He thinks this company's evil.
Divine bovine creamery? We had a big fight about it.
Sounds like there's trouble in paradise.
No! He's great.
Okay.
His need to make the world a better place is a little irritating.
On the bright side, now you understand why people find you so irritating.
I gotta run.
I'm picking TJ up at the market.
He's making me dinner tonight, and he can't carry all the groceries on his bike.
Dinner at his place.
Ooh.
You know what that means.
What? What else is at his place? His herb garden? His bed! But he doesn't have a bed.
He has a futon, which is also his couch.
Oh.
You're right.
What am I going to do? I'm guessing you'll be having a lot of college flashbacks.
I don't know if I'm ready.
I mean, Danny and I broke up a month ago.
A whole month? You keep going like that, your lady business is going to close up.
Maybe I'm over-thinking this.
I should just be more like you and have fun.
Hey, if being like me were easy, everyone would be easy.
Hey, Ry.
Good news.
The clementines arrived.
That's awesome.
So, how are things going with you and Kim? Have you two broken up yet? Broken up? God, no, she's great.
In fact, I'm having her over tonight.
Really? Tonight.
- Mm.
- At your place? Yeah.
It's cool.
I mean, my roommate's going to a midnight screening of Eraserhead, so should give us enough time.
Enough time to write sappy letters on behalf of Amnesty International? You see, Ryan, I think it's time for Kim and I to conjoin.
Well, TJ, there's no reason to be graphic.
Look, I'm afraid I'm gonna need you to not see Kim anymore.
- What? Why? - Well, it's complicated.
But it involves a lot of emotional baggage, desperation, and something called dump-stink.
However, I am prepared to make it worth your while.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
You're gonna try and bribe me? Oh, right.
You probably hate money.
Hate is toxic.
But so is money.
Tell you what.
You agree to never see Kim again, and I will sponsor a child on your behalf.
Now, you mentioned some boy in India? I think $100 would be more than enough to put him and the entire village through college.
What the hell's going on? Kim! Well, the clementines have arrived! Where's Kim? I need to talk to her.
Why should I tell you? Kim's my friend, and I respect her privacy.
How about a $100 bar tab? Fine.
But no nudity.
She's meeting TJ at Organic Orchard, and then they're going over to his place for dinner.
And you know what that means.
Oh, God! They're gonna have sex! Exactly.
How the hell does Kim not get that? Thank you.
He won't be thanking me when he finds out what the favor is.
Nikki.
Was Danny in here? Why should I tell you? What do you want? I'll give you anything! This day just gets better and better.
It's bad enough that you helped ruin my relationship with Danny, now you want to ruin my relationship with TJ? Stay out of my life! But Kim, think of the little Indian children! Guys, relax.
Let's just split a starfruit, and we'll talk about it.
Kim! And Ryan? Hey, buddy.
Well, what a coincidence.
Hey.
I'm TJ.
Starfruit? Danny, what are you doing here? I want you back.
Please, don't go through with this.
Danny! Please don't go through with this.
Kim! Please! I need next Thursday off.
Sheldon, give it up.
Look, Kim, I may not be certain about our future, but I'm certain that I love you.
Then why did you break up with me? Wait? I broke up with you? I thought you dumped me! It doesn't matter who gets the credit.
The important thing is you broke up.
I don't know, Danny.
Maybe it's too late.
I'm not giving up until you take me back.
In fact I'm not leaving this store until you take me back.
Fine.
I'm with Danny.
Kind of.
God knows what's on this floor.
Now you owe me two favors.
Danny, this is ridiculous.
Tell me you don't feel the same way.
TJ and I have a lot in common.
He's an activist, vegetarian, Earth-conscious.
I also make dreamcatchers out of caterpillar silk.
Oh, who am I kidding? He's unbearable! I love you.
I love you.
Seriously? Oh, thank God.
A vomit bag.
Can you believe this? Huh? Another mealy apple! Thanks a lot, Kim.
Hey! I didn't tell TJ to go find himself in India.
Now I'm stuck with Calvin.
He can't even tell a honeydew from a horse turd! Thanks.
Wow.
Looks like someone thinks you're cute.
I don't know.
It's weird.
You know, when we were broken up, I couldn't even get a girl to say "hello" to me.
It's the opposite of dump-stink.
It's called "boyfriend mojo.
" You see, women are attracted to men that are already taken.
It's true.
Excuse me.
You Mr.
Sheldon? Well, looks like I'm mojo-adjacent.
I am Oksana from Russia.
This is my family.
We are here to marry you! Whoops.
Looks like I forgot to cancel that order.
Okay.
Come along, comrades.
Let's go.
Thank God for that free shipping.