Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e13 Episode Script

Can you say, "Good morning"? No.
Someone's in the office.
Right.
It's Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Why did you do that? We thought you were a prowler.
Nice outfit, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
I have pajamas that look like that.
These are my pajamas.
I spent the night here.
My wife threw me out just because I forgot our wedding anniversary.
Well, you should be ashamed.
You should be neutered.
She threw you out? That's pretty severe for missing one wedding anniversary.
Well, actually, we've been married 16 years and I've forgotten 16 of them.
Well, nobody's perfect.
Edwina, my love.
- Drop dead, Donald.
Hello, boys.
LARRY & BALKl: Hi, Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
Happy anniversary.
Thank you, Balki.
You're one up on him.
I thought you'd be needing a few things.
- Oh, that's very thoughtful of you, dear.
Can't we let bygones be bygones? - Not this time, Donald.
You have taken me for granted once too often.
It's over.
I want a divorce.
Divorce? Just for forgetting one wedding anniversary sixteen times? It's not the anniversaries.
And it's not the gambling, or the wild nights out with the boys.
Actually, it is that.
But it's more than that too.
The romance is gone.
The magic is gone.
You're gone.
Goodbye, Donald.
Oh.
By the way, I'm keeping the luggage.
Divorce.
I can't believe it.
We've had our little spats before, but she never used the D word.
Come on, Balki, let's give the man some privacy.
You must be in such pain.
- I'm too numb to feel any pain.
I've lost my wife, the only woman I ever loved.
Excuse me.
I'll be in my office looking for a reason to live.
No, Mr.
Twinkacetti, you shouldn't be alone.
Cousin, he needs to be with friends.
Yeah, good idea.
Go see some friends.
I can't do that.
All my friends know me.
- We know you and we're still your friends.
We are? BALKl: And you can stay with us.
He can? - You guys would let my stay with you? I don't know what to say.
- Well, don't say anything just yet.
Why don't Why don't you wait here? Balki, could I have a word with you? Are you crazy? - Cousin, Mr.
Twinkacetti is in pain.
Well, how is making my life a living hell going to change that? Somebody has to let him know he's not alone and he's not a worthless human being.
You mean, somebody's gotta lie to him.
Balki, I feel as bad about this as you do but I draw the line at having the man sleep under my roof.
Well, then you tell him he can't stay.
All right, I will.
Mr.
Twinkacetti? Yes? Uh, about that invitation - Oh, say no more.
I know you don't want me to stay with you.
I don't blame you.
I'm dirt.
All right, you can stay with us until Oh, you guys are the greatest.
Having Twinkacetti as a houseguest is like Tokio inviting Godzilla for dinner.
Well, how are we going to get poor Mr.
Twinkacetti and poor Mrs.
Twinkacetti back together? We are not.
Balki, rule of thumb.
Never butt in.
It's not up to us to save their marriage.
Just stay out of it.
Yeah.
I see a marriage in trouble and I have to do something to help.
Well, just leave me out of it.
Hi, boys.
How's it going? I brought the beer.
Come on in.
You look like you found a reason to live.
- Oh, yeah, I thought about it.
Women.
Who needs them? Especially since I've got great guy pals like you.
How about a brewski? Well, no, thank you.
I've got a Pepski.
You see, he's fine.
Just leave them alone, and they'll work things out.
Cousin, no.
He's hiding his true feelings deep down inside.
The man is shallow.
There is no deep down inside.
Cousin, no.
He's got something inside him and it's going to fester and swell and burst like a tick on a sheep dog.
Well, then, get him off our couch.
Mr.
Twinkacetti.
I know that this is a difficult time in your life.
Would you like to share the pain that is going on deep down inside? No.
What do you say we zip around the old cable dial until we hit some nudity? Deep.
Deep.
Now, you know what I think? I think that deep down inside you know that if you don't have Mrs.
Twinkacetti, you You got nothing.
Oh, sure, you'll make a life for yourself but in the end, you'd be a wretched, filthy little man wandering the streets, with newspapers under your shirt and plastic bags on your feet, wishing in your heart that you You had not lost your true love forever.
Forever? Well, she said the D word.
The D word.
Cousin, this man is deep.
We've got to help his marriage.
There, there, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
We're there for you.
You mean it? - Is the king cross-eyed? Blow.
Guys, I wanna thank you for taking me in like this.
I have to get Edwina back.
And even though it may take months, I can wait.
Months? With your help, I can get through it.
I'm gonna go to bed now and cry myself to sleep.
Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Uh, Mr.
Twinkacetti, that's my room.
Mr.
Twinkacetti? There's tissues by the bed.
Balki, we have to save this marriage.
Well, of course we do.
Don't be ridiculous.
Mrs.
Twinkacetti, he's not the same man.
Well, yes, he's still short.
Tell her he's changing.
- I can't tell her that.
That would be lying.
No, it's not.
He's in the bedroom changing.
Mrs.
Twinkacetti, believe me when I tell you, he's changing.
You will? Yes, I'll tell him.
Yeah.
Bye.
Balki, she's agreed to talk to him.
- Oh, that's wonderful.
There's one catch.
She'll only give him five minutes.
I think she'll be out of there in three.
Not if he can prove to her that he's trying to change.
Balki, take a reality pill.
Mr.
Twinkacetti is not going to change.
The best we can hope for is that he can romance her for five minutes.
That way, he'll get a foot in the door and out of our apartment.
Appleton, I read your diary.
You're a sick man.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, that was personal.
Hey, we're roomies.
We have no secrets.
You never let me read your diary.
Why don't you tell Mr.
Twinkacetti the good news? Mr.
Twinkacetti, your wife has agreed to talk to you for five minutes.
Five minutes? What can I do in five minutes? Well, I guess flying her to Paris is out.
Ha-ha.
You've got to prove to her that you're going to change.
Forget that.
You've gotta crawl before you can walk.
And you can start by being romantic.
Now, we've got to find the right spot.
Well, we used to go to this restaurant.
Oh, Tony's Mambo Room.
Tony's Mambo Room? "Our ribs stick to your ribs.
" That Tony's Mambo Room? I don't think that's going to work.
- What are you talking about? Tony's is a romantic place.
You eat with your fingers.
No.
No, no, that's not romantic.
That's disgusting.
That's cruel, Appleton.
BALKl: Okay.
Cousin Larry's right.
We've seen you with Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
It's not pretty.
I don't have a romantic bone in my body.
Oh, you must have had once.
She fell in love with you.
Sure, that was 13 years ago.
Sixteen.
- Sixteen.
See, I'm hopeless.
- No, no, no.
No, you're not.
All right, look, look.
Let's make believe that this is Tony's Mambo Room.
Balki, you're seeing me for the first time since I kicked you out.
This is how you have to act if you want to get your wife back.
Edwina, you look lovely this evening.
That dress brings out your eyes.
I'm gonna throw up.
Sit down, turnip.
Donald, the Mambo Room.
How sweet of you to remember.
How could I forget, my pet? It seems like only yesterday.
You're as beautiful as you were then.
No, I'm wrong.
You're even more beautiful.
I am? - You are.
I am? - Of course you are.
Don't be ridiculous.
Donald, I forgot how romantic you could be.
How could I ever have kicked you out? Take me.
I don't think so.
No.
I'm just showing him No, I know.
I know - I'm trying to get him Do you get the general idea? I can't do this.
Let's face it, we'll be roomies for life.
All right, all right, let's not panic.
Look, we can do this.
We put a man on the moon.
We will go to the restaurant and get you through this thing.
Oh, you guys are the greatest.
Well, we just wanna see you and Mrs.
Twinkacetti back together again in your own home.
Did we really put a man on the moon? Yes, we did.
And get off my dress.
Now, remember, compliment her clothes, talk about her hair.
Make her think she's the most beautiful woman in the worid.
No.
Mr.
Twinkacetti, you've got to tell her the ways you are going to change.
Like what? Like you're going to try harder to remember your anniversary.
You don't have to go out so much with the boys.
Look, you'll have years to change.
Right now you've only got five minutes.
Talk about her eyes.
No, you've got to stop thinking about yourself and start thinking about Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
You should beg her forgiveness.
You should throw yourself down at her feet.
You should press your face up against her arches.
Tell her she can step on your neck because you have not been the man you should have been.
What about her eyes? Tell her that her eyes remind you of moonlit pools on a summer night.
She'll melt like butter.
All right, moonlit pools on a warm summer night.
Here she is.
TWINKACETTl: All right.
Good evening, Donald.
Hello, sugarplum, won't you have a seat? You know, sweetheart - You've got five minutes.
Go.
My, don't you look lovely this evening.
You know, your eyes - Hold the bull, Donald.
Give me one good reason why I should take you back.
You want a reason? Don't you wanna hear about your eyes? - No.
How am I doing on the time? - I knew this wouldn't work.
I'm trying to change.
Really, I am.
Uh, why do you think I chose this restaurant? I don't know.
Why did you choose this restaurant? Because I consider the Mambo Room our place.
But why? We've never been here before.
Oh, sure we have, sweetness.
Years ago.
You don't remember, do you? I may not remember wedding anniversaries but I do remember the romantic stuff.
We sat right in that booth over there and we necked all night.
I even slipped the accordion player 50 cents to play "That's Why the Lady's a Tramp.
" Maybe that's because the lady was a tramp.
I've never been in this restaurant in my life.
You know, come to think of it, uh, neither have I.
Excuse me.
Nature calls.
It's over.
- That was quick.
I got the right restaurant, but the wrong woman.
I used to bring dates here before we here married.
Hello, Mrs.
Twinkacetti, what brings you to Tony's? Not the ribs.
You know, darling, just now in the john I was thinking about how your eyes remind me of moonlit pools on a warm summer night.
Stuff it, Donald.
How could you bring me to a place where you cheated on me? I never cheated on you while we were married.
I cheated on you while we were engaged.
Can't we talk? You talk.
To my lawyer.
I still have two minutes.
That's it.
I guess that's it.
Well, we're sorry it didn't work out.
Thanks a lot, guys.
You did your best.
And I want you to know I really appreciate it.
I'm going for a walk.
You don't have to wait up for me.
I made a key.
I'm worried about Mr.
Twinkacetti.
He don't come home last night.
He could be wandering the streets, a broken, Ionely little man.
Well, at least I got to sleep in my own bed.
Oh, cousin, he's our friend.
Our friend? Balki, the man tried to have you deported for giving the correct change to a blind man.
Well, I never said he was a saint.
Balki, you are the nicest person I ever met.
And I hope I never get to be like you.
Cousin, don't worry.
You won't.
Mr.
Twinkacetti? What are you bozos doing here so early? Mr.
Twinkacetti, you're all right.
Mrs.
Twinkacetti.
- Hi, boys.
Are you naked under that coat? You're together? Yeah.
After I left the restaurant, I got to thinking about what you said about, you know, being romantic and all and then I remembered what I did when I was trying to get Edwina to fall in love with me.
This crazy guy showed up under my window with a big bag of egg rolls and his saxophone.
Egg rolls and saxophone.
Why didn't we think of that? Then we came back here.
You see, when we were teenagers we used to steal precious moments in the back of my father's store so Donald thought this would be a perfect place to settle our differences.
You big bag of romance.
Why don't you boys take the day off? Are you kidding? Who'd run the store? Well, maybe today the store doesn't have to open.
Woof! Edwina.
Oh, thank you for all you did.
I know there's a side of Donald you never see and I hadn't seen it in a long time either but last night made me realize the Donald I fell in love with is still there.
After 16 years of marriage, I'm not gonna give up on him.
Well, you said it don't help when you butt in.
Okay.
I was wrong, you were right.
I guess sometimes the only way to help out is to butt in.
You hear that? That's the sound of love.
Imagine what hate sounds like.
Well, you know what they say.
Even bad sax is better than no sax at all.