Raising Hope s02e13 Episode Script

Hey! Hey, you there! Hey, hey! Hey, person who just cut me off and almost killed me! Hey, don't text and drive.
Don't you watch Oprah? I mean, when she was on regular TV before she went to channel 575, which we don't even get.
Hey! Hey, wait! Hey! You are so busted.
- 555 - Shh! What's with all the noise?! It wasn't me; it was Mom.
I was making a fluffernutter sandwich.
It's the quietest of all sandwiches.
I was going to make a ham sandwich, but I was afraid the mustard bottle might fart.
You made me mix up my 941 with my 1040 EZ.
Where's my 702? Damn! Shh! Why didn't you tell me he started his corporate taxes? My God! This can't be happening! My gas receipts! I can't do my taxes without my June gas receipts! Why are you standing in my May-June-July? Why are you living in my house? Wyatt! You're in town.
Goody.
Yo, J-man, tell Sabrina she's about to make the biggest mistake of her life.
Still trying to organize "Occupy Natesville"? No.
Wyatt is gonna do an internship in Africa for a year and he's trying to get me to go with him.
To Africa? Are you sure that's a good idea? With all the sand, bugs, and all that "gentle" mutilation? I mean, it's "gentle," but still, can't be pleasant.
I'm not going.
So, you're staying, and you're going.
You're gonna love Africa.
I mean, I've only seen it in cartoons, but it looks hilarious.
We'll talk about this later.
You're definitely going to come once you see how good I look in a dashiki.
Hakuna matata! Let me know if you need a ride to the airport! James, we need to talk.
Your family's been here all day and they're starting to push the store's loitering policy.
Quit cheating! It's pattycake, Maw Maw.
You can't cheat at pattycake.
She sure as hell is! Using only one hand, saving up your patties You're making a very powerful enemy.
Sorry, it's corporate tax time.
Dad's no good under pressure, so it's hard being home with him.
Maybe I can show Burt some tricks I've learned.
If I can do Frank's taxes, I can do anyone's.
He doesn't believe in the number eight, and he claims a scorpion as a dependent.
Well, he won't listen to anyone when it comes to numbers.
Not even that vampire puppet on TV who likes to count.
I can't remember his name.
Hey, uh, Mom! Hope's got a little toilet paper on her shoe.
My God, that's not toilet paper! July 15th gas receipt?! Where is it?! Where is it?! July 15th! Relax.
I got it.
It was stuck to the bottom of Hope's shoe.
The bottom of your shoe? You kidding me? Burt For someone who watches a lot of Baby Einstein, you're sure no baby Einstein.
Okay, that's it.
Isn't he a funny grandpa? He sure makes some funny faces, Okay, why don't you and Maw Maw go out on the porch, and wait for me while I talk to Grandpa, and I'll come out and bring you some treats.
What the hell is your problem? I don't think you know how serious this is.
Do you want the International Revenue System all up in our business? You saw what they did to Wesley Snipes.
Ever see him with his shirt off? He can kick all their asses and they still threw him in prison.
You need to learn how to handle the stress.
That's easy for you to say.
You've never had my kind of stress.
And could you please not stand on April?! This is Maw Maw's house.
You don't get to tell people what to do.
Can't we come in? No, Maw Maw.
You can come in when I tell you to come in.
What do you mean "your kind of stress"? Business-owner stress.
You-You're just an employee.
Excuse me, I'm "just an employee"? That's right.
When you go to work, it's all moppy moppy, wipey wipey.
You never even have to use your brain! Yeah, and what kind of graduation degree do you need for mow-y mow-y, cutty cutty? I have to make real boss decisions.
How much to pay people, how much to charge people, trying to remember which months have five Fridays Well, at least you're in control of your own future.
I'd give my left nad to be the boss.
That's exactly what someone who's never been the boss or actually had nads would say.
No comeback, That's what I thought! This mess should be easy for you to clean up, since cleaning things up doesn't require a brain.
That's what I thought! Go away! Can't you see the sign? Look, I've been there, buddy.
I was the treasurer of the accounting club in high school, which, in the accounting club, is a higher office than the president.
Let me in, Burt.
We can get through this together.
Just open the door.
Okay Wait.
Who are you? It's Barney from Howdy's.
I don't know any Barney.
Burt, we've spent the last two Thanksgivings together.
I'm your son's boss.
All this time I thought it was "Arnie.
" You look like an Arnie.
I feel like I missed my calling.
I mean, I'm bossy by nature.
I'm a boss in employee's clothing.
I just want to know that if I tried, I could have done it.
Don't be so down on yourself.
When you come home after a hard day's work, and your head hits the pillow, you can rest assured that you have taught 35 young Americans civics the foundation of democracy.
Maw Maw, I'm a maid.
Yeah.
Well, then you're wasting your life.
Doesn't have to be a Fortunate Any dinky thing will do.
Look at this guy, he's his own boss.
Stained yellow apron, cutoff jean shorts, making a living selling ground-up pig parts shoved into a bun.
You, sir, truly represent the American Dream.
You should do it.
You should start your own business.
I might do it.
I just have no idea what that business would be.
How about starting a business where you bore us all to death talking about this crap? You'd make millions.
All your receipts are alphabetized from "A" to "Z.
" So, if you're ever audited, all you have to do is open this and hand it to the auditor.
Okay, try again.
Okay.
First it goes over.
No First it goes under I guess Stay calm! Remember, figure eight.
I'm not an accordion-file guy.
I'm not any kind of file guy.
I'm just a landscaper.
I wish I could run a business without having to run a business.
Well, you could hire a business manager.
Okay, how about you? No, I couldn't.
Why not? It'd be perfect; then I could do the part of the job I like.
You could do the parts I don't like.
Well, it would free you up to take more clients.
You'd make the same amount of money, and I'd have a little extra cash for taking out the ladies and one more business card to put in the free lunch fishbowl at the Indian buffet.
I'll do it.
Good! You're the boss.
No, no, no, no.
You're still the boss.
I'm just doing the parts of the job you don't lik Yeah, that's the part I don't like, being the boss.
As owner of this company, I order you to tell me what to do.
No, I'm not quite sure I know how this would work.
Well, figure it out.
You're the boss.
Hey, why don't you start your own cleaning business? You're good at it.
How do you know I'm good at it? I just assume.
You know, it's cleaning.
How hard could it really be? Or what about a cafe where you make your funny pancakes and stuff? Ooh, you could call it Funny Cakes.
That's the stupidest idea ever, Jimmy.
If I've had a cruddy week, making funny pancakes is what cheers me up.
But if making funny pancakes is my week, what am I going to do to cheer me up? Scrub toilets? What about a business where you snap at people who are just trying to be helpful? I'm sorry.
I just don't want to end up an old lady who's never accomplished anything, who's never made any decent money, just waiting out her time until she dies.
No offense.
I've made peace with who I am.
You know, Wyatt and I are trying to make a big decision right now, and there is this lady that we go to for advice.
Maybe you could ask her for some advice, too.
You talking about a shrink? 'Cause I have never and will never go to any therapy that is not court-ordered.
No, I don't believe in any of that psycho nonsense.
This woman is the real deal.
Okay, I'm not going to count any of this.
Let's just say it's enough and stop.
Shut up back there! Shut up! I'm watching the neighbor's friend's kids.
Don't make me tell you which one of you is going to go bald before 30.
It's the girl.
Anyway, back to your stuff.
Your future card is the Fool.
I knew it.
I'd be a fool to go to Africa.
You'd be a fool to go to a tarot reader.
She's amazing; plus, she's the reason why I'm dating you.
If it wasn't for me, she might be comfortable in an alternative lifestyle by now.
Hey.
Hey.
How about a little psychic-client confidentiality, So, anyway, based on these cards, it looks like you should go to Africa, - and you should stay home.
- Okay, well, the cards have spoken, and powerful words they were.
Who wants frozen yogurt? That'll be $40.
But I do think you would benefit from some aura-aligning crystals.
Are you interested in that? Yeah, yeah, sure.
Hey, one of you rug rats, bring out the crystals! They're in the back of the freezer behind the trout! Want to ask her for a little career advice? I think I got all the answers I need.
And now we wait for the idiots.
How do you like your new coworkers, Jun and Bing? They're okay, I guess.
Look, I know you're the boss, but maybe tell me next time you're going to hire more people.
It was a little awkward this morning when I came out and found them in my truck.
I mean, it was locked.
The window was only open like this far.
I believe they've done some circus work.
They used to work the cash registers at Howdy's.
I called them the Chinese Checkers.
- That's hilarious, boss.
- I mostly hired them for that joke, but they were terrible.
I think they'll be good at lawn work, though.
They'll make us more money and also free up James to work more shifts at the store.
Less responsibility? Less work? It's great not being boss.
This must be what the E Street Band feels like.
Hup! Hup! That's the third time they've done that today.
I think it's all part of the package.
Sorry.
Sorry! I don't like beads.
I didn't like 'em in Bo Derek's hair in the movie 10 and I don't like 'em now.
You're home early.
That's because I'm an employee.
Bank deposits, not my job.
Paying bills, not my job.
Cleaning off equipment, not my Well, that is my job.
Remind me to do that first thing in the morning.
I might need to rethink the beads.
Stressed out, yet, being What's to be stressed out about, Burt? I'm having one of the best days of my life! I got off to a rough start.
Old Maid.
Ooh, that can't be good.
Wait, I think I switched this with one of the kids' games.
But then I started to get the hang of it.
"Justice.
" Your legal troubles will be solved soon.
Well, I don't have any legal troubles.
Maybe it's the scales.
Have you put on weight? Yes, I have; I put on a couple pounds.
There you go.
It's easy money.
And just when I thought it couldn't get any better, this happened.
"Ten of Swords.
" That means Excuse me? Death card.
I see death in a car.
With numbers and buttons.
Do you text and drive? He was so scared, he gave me his phone! I just took a texter off the road.
I'm saving lives! Once I realized what I could do, the rest of the day was amazing! "The Hermit.
" That means stop dressing like a skank.
There is something in your life you need to remove.
The mole.
Get rid of the mole.
The feeling of power is so addictive.
So, you're thinking of naming your daughter "Linoleum"? Card says "No.
" Call your mother.
Buy your wife flowers.
Lay off the garlic.
Call your mother.
Lose the colored contacts.
You're not fooling anyone.
Call your mother.
It's the fifth time, and the card says the "Cut it off.
" My God.
Did you get a guy to cut off his rat tail? I hate rat tails.
I do, too.
You get that from me.
I love this job! When I was a maid, no one would listen to me.
Now people sit up and listen like I'm some kind of god or Judge Judy.
Burt, I just want to thank you for being such a jerk and inspiring me to do this.
Yeah, well, you enjoy running your business now.
Wait'll you have to deal with tax season.
Or boll weevils! Well, boll weevils are more of a yardman problem, but you'll get something.
Hey, Jimmy, what does Sabrina, a lion, and the Ebola virus have in common? They all might be in Africa next month.
What? I might go.
My psychic lady changed her mind.
She said her first reading might have been bad because she was fuzzy from her glaucoma exam.
But what about the bugs, the blood diamonds, the "gentile" mutilation? I'm sorry.
I was saying that wrong before.
It's not ideal.
It's just, we don't really want to be apart.
And he does look really hot in a dashiki.
Yes, I do.
Which means Sabrina and I might put the "freak" in A-freak-a.
Come on, J-man.
Whoo! Look, I'm just the messenger.
The cards are saying it right here: "You need to cut that fake plastic scrotum off the back of your trailer hitch.
" Mom, help! The reader told Sabrina and Wyatt to go to Africa, and she might do it, so I need you to do a reading where you tell him to go, and her to stay, and make it convincing.
I mean, assuming that's what the magic cards are telling you, of course.
Sorry to interrupt.
We're just finishing up.
Neuter your truck.
Call your mother.
Hup.
Just toss it Hup.
Hup.
You planning on driving, Jun? That's cool.
We're all just worker bees.
Working for the man bee.
I got shotgun! Whoa, whoa! No, no! No weapons.
Just an expression.
Put the gun down.
I'll, uh, I'll ride in the back.
Hey! Stop, stop.
I want to get a hot dog.
This is not a hot dog.
Okay, enough! I'll eat your stinky noodles, I'll even sit in the back of my own truck, but if you think I'm gonna go another morning without listening to Bulldog Mike and the Queefer, you got another thing coming! Hit preset three! Hit preset three! I called Barney, told him I'm boss again.
And then I fired him, Jun and Bing.
How'd that go? It's hard to tell.
They yell whether they're happy or angry.
So I guess I was right.
Being the boss is great.
It still sucks.
It just doesn't suck as much as not being the boss.
Listening to music you hate, getting trapped in the back of a pickup, being forced to slurp up some Chinese guy's noodle.
I could've said that better.
Guys, they're coming, they're coming.
We gotta get ready.
I have to say, I am so honored that you two came to Madam Virginia for your important life answers.
This is major crossroads you're at, and it's good to get a second opinion.
Damn Jun and Bing, I can't get their Chinese punk music out of my head.
Dad, would you be quiet? I'm trying to listen in here.
Why'd you turn the music off? I liked it.
Maw Maw, shh! That's pretty clear.
This says Wyatt should go to Africa and you should stay home.
I can't believe you believe in this stuff.
It's just a woman flipping over cards.
Why do you have to think everything that I like is stupid? I don't.
Actually, this card does say that he thinks everything you like is stupid.
No, it wasn't pretty like that.
Well, you're doing it wrong.
Well, I'm just doing what's in my head.
Guys, I'm trying to eavesdrop.
Can you show some consideration? And it's not just this; you thought it was stupid when I wanted to study writing.
Whoa, would you look at that? This one says he doesn't believe in your dreams.
This is going great.
Not the same song, but I'm liking this jam.
Wyatt, this is you going away to college all over again! You do what you want without any consideration for me.
This card means "selfish lover.
" Does that mean anything to anybody? Why don't you ask "Mr.
Tongue- Kissing-Freaks-Me-Out"? You have a long tongue! You have a shallow mouth! Whoa, would you look at that? This card says you two are better off being far away from each other.
Well, maybe Africa's not far enough away.
You know what? Why don't you just go to Africa, all right? Just get on your vine, Tarzan, and swing away! My God, she's not just keeping Sabrina here, Mom's breaking them up! Sabrina could be mine in a week! So it's over? You really, you really want it to be over?! Well, it seems to be what you want! Interestingly, it's what the cards seem to want.
Much like your belly button, I'm outie! It is an umbilical hernia, you insensitive jerk! Hey, guys, I was out of earshot for some reason.
What's going on in here? I think Wyatt and Sabrina just broke up.
What? No.
Come here.
I think someone needs a hug.
No, I'm fine.
Actually, the cards say you could use a hug.
And screw that Wyatt.
He only cares about himself.
I hope he gets hit by a bus.
My God! Wyatt! Damn, Mom, that wasn't a bus, but still, pretty close.
Dr.
Bruce, telephone, please.
Sabrina I am so sorry for yelling at you about Africa.
God, I'm so sorry for yelling at you about Africa.
And I'm sorry for not warning you I had pooped myself before you pulled me out of the car.
It's fine.
I'm just, I'm-I'm so glad you're okay.
If you're okay with that, then I'm okay not going to Africa.
I'd rather stay in Natesville with you.
What have you done?! It wasn't my fault.
It was whoever hit his car.
Hey, buddy.
I apologize for running into your car.
I was dialing the phone to call my mom at the time.
I had to explain to her why I cut off the truck scrotum she gave me for my birthday.
My God! Hey, it's the card-reader lady.
I've been meaning to ask you about mud flaps.
Should I go with Yosemite Sam or naked ladies? No! I'm out of the business.
This is too much pressure.
Too much power.
Make the wrong decision, you could screw up something huge! I can't hale the stress.
It's not easy having all the responsibility, is it? Heavy is the head that wears the boss hat.
That's what I thought!