Reno 911! (2003) s02e13 Episode Script

Hi, I'm danny devito, Executive producer of reno 911 ! And I just want to welcome you and thank you For supporting the wonderful men and women of this force.
These people lay down their lives every day.
They put themselves in harm's way for you, for me, For the people of reno.
I think-- because, actually, I've never seen the show, But I've heard some really good things about it.
You hear "reno 911!" you're walking down the street.
Or a kid will be talking or playing Or fighting in the playground-- "reno 911! Reno 911!" It becomes a chant, a cheer.
And, you know, I'm really gonna watch the show this year.
Whoo ! Come here ! ( tires screeching ) Oh Ah ! Whoa ! ( growling ) ( sirens blaring ) ( siren wailing ) Very, very big news.
President bush is coming to town, Doing some campaigning.
He's gonna give a speech down at the bowlers' hall of fame.
We have been assigned to motorcade duty.
Whoo ! So, yes, very exciting.
Not the driving motorcade duty.
We'll be blocking off a stretch of route 80.
So, don't throw eggs or anything.
You're all acting like I already chucked something at him.
I'm not gonna do that.
We can salute, right ? We stand, we salute.
We say, "good going, dubya," And we don't say, "legalize it" Or "hey, look at me".
Are we allowed to hold up signs of support ? We care about him in reno.
Are you gonna hold up a sign that says "dubya '04" ? I got one.
Then, no, we're not allowed.
How about, "I love bush" ? ( snickers ) Oh, you got yourself with that.
This will be a good opportunity for me Because what I intend to do Is to throw myself in front of the motorcade, In front of the car, And finally have a one-on-one talk to this man About not being able to bring tweezers Or knitting needles on an airplane.
Suspended.
Sheriff's department.
( monkey screeching ) How are you doing this day, sir ? What happened ? We had a heated debate.
And then they made some points, I made some points, The monkey had a point or two.
And then finally mob mentality set in, so, you know it.
So, the monkey went just crazy with fervor and just bit.
That's what happens When you make a monkey that mad with discussion.
That is out-of-bounds for a party.
Do you have a license for this animal ? I have a li-- I obey the law of man, But this man obey the law of jungle.
It's a party, And that's a monkey can make his own decisions.
I have a hard time believing-- Mob mentality, my ass, that monkey didn't bite nobody.
It was all this fella here.
Look at that, blaming it all on the monkey.
Go out, put him in, then get the evidence camera.
Bring it back, and we'll take pictures of the monkey.
It can be our christmas card, that's a great idea.
All right, come on, fella.
( indistinct shouting ) Is this some damn costume party or what ? He started it ! You too ! Slow down, slow down.
Okay, everybody's gonna be heard.
Okay, tell me.
We had just finished doing the re-enactment-- Civil war re-enactment.
Okay So, I bring my guys here For beer and pizza afterwards, right ? And so gary decides to bring his guys.
It's not all-you-can-eat pizza.
It's all-you-can-eat salad bar you pay for the pizza.
And yankee decides to hog off On all the pizza he wants to eat.
He starts doing this weird math where his guys, Because of the missouri compromise, They only have to pay two-fifths of the bill.
Okay, first of all, how do you figure fifths of a bill ? I don't even have a calculator.
I don't know how to do that.
So, you're getting the pizza, and he gets mad at you ? That doesn't make any sense.
I slopped the hogs.
He slopped the hogs, and he went off, and he attacked you ? He freaked out.
He picks up a piece of pizza, and he throws it at me.
It hits me right in the face.
With hot pizza- he threw pizza at me ! I got his statement.
What I'm gonna need to do is take these guys in right here.
Hold on.
No, no, no, no, no.
You're not taking these guys.
These guys are the ones that started it.
No, this gentleman said he went and ate all the pizza, Went crazy, and things started that way.
I'm taking them in.
But they didn't pay for the pizza.
And he threw pizza in his face.
That's assault, sir, that's assault.
What's wrong with that ? You like that ? You like that ? You like that ? ( all shouting ) But, mommy, I just got home, and I don't feel good.
Don't you back-talk me ! You gonna get in there, Or else I'm gonna treat you like antwone fisher ! Now, do you want me to tie you up in a basement And beat you with a wet rag ? No, mommy, I'm sorry.
I feel strong enough to clean up now.
Well, good.
And get that oxygen tank up off that living room floor ! Just leaving your oxygen laying all around.
What you think this is, huh ? I'm just trying to let y'all know how it's gonna go down When you get home, children.
Ha ! So you can be prepared, huh ? We're in the right place, right ? Well, this is where we're waiting.
Yeah.
They said bush was gonna be right here.
Through here.
Through here.
What ? Not right here.
Through here.
Who ? Bush.
Oh, bush.
Right.
You ever met him ? Who ? Huh ? Who ? What ? Met who ? Him.
Oh.
Yeah.
Seen him ? I seen him.
Well, no, I've seen him.
I mean, I've seen him.
I know what he looks like.
You know what he looks like ? Yeah.
Oh.
So, what was the question ? I don't know.
I can't remember.
Have I met him ? Yeah.
Oh, you've met him ? No, yeah, that was the question.
Oh, right, right.
Yeah.
"yeah" you know what the question was, But, "no," you have never met him.
Yeah.
Okay, good.
That clears things up a little bit.
Thanks for letting me use your sword, brad.
You're welcome, gary.
Sorry I called you an asshole.
I'm sorry I freaked out.
Yeah, you did, didn't you.
We good ? Yeah.
How about you guys ? Come on, make up.
Make up ? Come on.
Come on.
Just do it.
Apologize.
Yeah, I'm sorry, too.
Sorry you're a punk-ass redneck.
Goddamn-- ( both shouting and grunting ) Ow ! Ow ! Aaaaaaaah ! He's seriously biting him.
( both grunting ) Come on ! Who's a cracker, huh ? ! Let go ! You let go ! You let go of me first ! Hi.
Hi, craig.
Hi.
How you doing ? Thanks for coming to visit me.
Okay, thanks for being here.
No problem.
You look good.
Thanks, thanks.
You too.
You look kind of buff.
No, it's-- it's actually just bruises, really.
Oh Sort of swollen up a little bit.
But that's all right.
Things are good.
Hello ? Hello ? Oh, I didn't know if you could hear me still.
Yeah, these things cut in and out, I guess.
No, I don't think so.
I think we just Had nothing to say at that moment.
Which is normal, I think.
This is kind of a weird situation.
It is, it's awkward.
It's awkward and weird.
Yeah.
Yeah, I guess it's 'cause We're not actually in the same room, really.
We're in the same room, but we're behind bulletproof glass 'cause you killed a bunch of people And now you're on death row.
It's a little different than meeting at bennigan's For a cup of soup.
But you need reservations for both, So that's kind of similar.
That's true.
This is taking too long.
I want him to see my sign So I can be like, "go, sharpton ! Go, sharpton !" I thought about this, And I want to start my own party.
( laughs ) what kind of party ? My own par-tay.
And I think a good animal, I think a good mascot would be, like, a centaur.
I've got a frog playing a banjo on my boob.
It's a cool tattoo.
You do not ! It'd look good in bumper stickers, I think.
Let me see it.
It's kind of faded now, but I think Oh, yeah, yeah.
He's playing the banjo, And then there's the musical notes-- ( siren wails, horns honk ) Shit, shit ! Quiet ! Little niñas, I said people have things to do around here ! Sheriff's department, ma'am.
Hello ? Hello ? Yeah, I called you over an hour ago, what happened ? Hey, hey, hey, hey ! You hear that ? Yes, uh-huh, debbie reynolds hears it ? You don't hear what's going on down there ? Listen to that.
Listen to that crap.
It's constant ! Yeah, uh, I don't hear anything right now, ma'am.
Well, I yell and scream my head off ! They're probably, like, you know, flipping me a bird And going into some room and getting, you know, a pop tart ! "sugar me up" ! Is that an alcoholic beverage ? And ? And what ? I'm not gonna make-- Are you calling me a drunk ? No, ma'am, that's not what I said at all.
'cause I smell it on you, too.
There's something I'm smelling.
Ma'am, are your dogs passing wind right now ? No, that is me.
What ? Ma'am, what I'm gonna do for you today Is I'm gonna give you my home phone number.
My name is lieutenant jim dangle.
Please call me, all right ? I will be here any time, day or night.
So, if I called you in five minutes, You would be here ? If I called you at 12 midnight, you would be here ? If I said to come over and have a drink, you'd come ? I'm running.
Whoo ! Oh, it's a party ! Boy, there is nothing to do after school.
Oh, yeah, there is.
You could be part of my gang.
We go out and we go robbing people And stealing and stabbing them.
Time out.
Why would you want to be in a gang ? Make a better choice for yourself, Because it will really piss off your parents If you're in a gang, And then you would get arrested by me.
So, don't be in a gang.
You got to make a choice-- Be a square or be in a gang.
Be square.
What should we do ? We've been here.
Wait.
Wait ? We just wait ? What else are we supposed to do ? I don't know.
( straining ) waiting is what we are doing.
So, we should keep doing it here.
Maybe we should-- ( roadblock collapses ) ( bird screeching ) Did I miss anything ? I had to poop.
I'm sorry.
You missed the president.
He went by ? Yeah.
Either that or michael jackson.
Oh, fuck.
Ciao.
Not a lot of nice places to use a bathroom When you're out on patrol, But this italian joint over here has a pretty nice powder room For a quick 10-100 or a 10-200 in an emergency.
Hey.
How's it hanging ? Good Can't complain.
U-s-m-c.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah, how could you see that ? You noticed.
I saw the "s.
M.
" I saw and "s" and "m.
" Uh-huh.
( laughs ) Jim.
Jim ? Mac.
Mac, how you doing ? So good to meet you.
Boy, you got big arms.
You got big, tough hands.
Thanks.
That's a jarhead.
Yeah.
Coast guard reserves.
Oh, seafood, huh ? Yeah, oh, yeah.
( laughs ) swab jockey.
Yeah, that's me.
That's me-- swab jockey.
Are you from around here ? No, actually.
I've never seen you.
I would've noticed you, I bet.
I would've noticed you, too.
No, actually I'm from carson.
I'm just-- I'm down here to meet an old friend.
Oh, old friend, like Well, we were in marine boot camp together.
It's been quite a few years.
Right, right.
Yeah, I'm kind of hoping a little magic happens.
Oh, I get it.
You know what I mean ? This is a pager number, And the best thing usually to do is just-- You type in your number and then put a "911" after it.
Means call right away.
Fall in line ! Where's that big mac daddy ? Jimmy ! Semper fi, never die ! Whoo-hoo ! One, two, three ! Come on, jimmy ! Whoo ! Look at you ! Let me look at that ! Look at you, man ! You're looking great, man ! Look at that.
Damn.
20 years, boy.
Look at that mighty howitzer.
Stand at attention ! There's ladies present ! Look at-- ( smooches ) Oh, I like that.
Hey, hey, jimmy, how you doing ? How are you doing, jimmy ? Hey.
What's up ? You know garcia's not "on the team" ? I wasn't either when I was in boot camp.
Okay, hang on to that.
Break a leg.
( whistling ) Argh ! ♪ do do do-do-do ♪ ♪ do do do do, do do do do ♪ ♪ join my parade it's a brand-new day ♪ Been blocking city traffic.
That's andrew, he does this every year.
And, uh, he doesn't have a parade license, of course.
Right now we're hoping he just gets tired.
I don't want to really have to Run him over or anything.
So, just being cautious.
You know what we're doing ? We're adding to the parade.
I mean, by not pulling him over.
Well Pull over, andrew.
No, you got no business here.
You know what ? Look, I'm gonna tell you the story.
I don't want to hear a story.
You're gonna hear my story, Then you're gonna go, "parade proceed.
" No parade proceed.
You cannot parade in the middle of the street.
You're blocking traffic, that is disturbing the peace.
Look at all the traffic that's going.
I'm not gonna lay down with the lion when I'm a fucking tiger.
See that ? Yeah, walk away.
Have a nice parade, andy.
You know what ? Uncle sam's crying a tear today, okay ? I can put it back together.
Art rebuilds.
Governments crumble, but art rebuilds.
Which of these is illegal while driving ? "a", listening to music through headphones that cover both ears.
"b", adjusting your outside mirrors.
"c" Transporting an unrestrained animal inside the vehicle.
I'm gonna say "c.
" Yes ? "a.
" Ah, it's "a," listening to music Through headphones that cover both ears.
You guys Oh, I better start getting some of these right.
Okay I'm gonna be naked in about two minutes.
Number four.
♪ whose broad stripes and bright stars ♪ ( in kinda tight harmony ) ♪ o'er the ramparts we watched ♪ ♪ were so gallantly streaming ♪ ♪ and the home of the braaaave ♪ Hey, gang, I heard you weren't feeling so good, So the deputy jimbo one-man band Is here to cheer you up With a fun, old-timey irish song.
And it goes a little something like this.
♪ but if you come when all the flowers are dying ♪ ♪ and I am dead for dead I well may be ♪ How are you ? Hi, guys.
Jaws of life.
Where are the jaws of life ? Wow You guys can't park here.
Do you understand that I would only have to sign two forms To get you sent someplace Where you will do hard, hard time ? Well, I'm just saying I'm not trying to be disruptive.
I was cleaning up puke.
After I make this copy, can I get a gun ? Terry ! Terry ! Whoo-hoo ! Terry ! Hey ! ( shouting ) ( screaming ) Shut up ! Keep the noise down ! Keep your shirts down ! Unless you're getting paid.
That's me, swab jockey.
Yeah ? I love those uniforms.
They're good, yeah.
You know the bell-bottoms ? It's not a jarhead uniform, you guys got the real deal.
Oh, well, no.
But I'll tell you what.
You just couldn't beat those bell-bottoms.
Just couldn't beat them.
Oh, sailor boys, yeah.
Maybe you could come to carson sometime.
What do you do down there ? I have a flower shop.
Get out !! "johnson's floral affair.
" I am just crazy about petunias.
I got to do this 'cause you stole my life apparently.
Please, oh, don't.
No.
Someone stole my life.