Schitt's Creek (2015) s02e13 Episode Script

1 (Toast crunching) (Door opens) Kids, it happens to be our anniversary today, so it might be a nice idea if you wished your mother a happy anniversary.
Okay, um What would you like us to say? Well, you could start by saying, "Happy anniversary.
" Mmm, okay, but why are we wishing her a happy anniversary? Isn't that something that you two are supposed to say to each other? Yeah, it's called being courteous, honey.
You know, the Bloomfield kids used to throw their parents an anniversary party every year.
Mhmm um, if we're truth telling, the Bloomfields were always a little too friendly with one another.
I just don't understand what kind of family skinny dips together.
John, are you ready? Yes, sweetheart.
Happy anniversary! Congratulations on your ongoing love for one another.
You did it! Okay kids, that's enough.
You sound like the incestuous Bloomfields.
Have a blessed day.
Ahem! Hello there, Roses.
- Hello there, you! - Yes May we join you? - Oh, we just ordered to go.
- Yeah, we're not staying, we've got a million things to do.
Oh, well then, I guess you don't want your present then, huh? (Laughs) You wanna guess what your present is? - No, I do not.
- Dinner! We're gifting you a dinner! At the most exclusive eatery in Elmdale.
- Oh.
- It's very hard to get a table.
But uh, I pulled a few strings.
That sounds too good to what's the catch? No, there's-there's no catch, just every new council member gets a dinner, so.
Oh, how very civilized.
It is thank you, Roland.
We accept.
Terrific, so we'll pick you up around seven.
- We? - Yeah, we have a coupon.
Four entrees for the price of three, it expires soon, though.
It should be really fun, you guys.
Yes, it will be fun Well, it would be fun, if today were not our anniversary.
- Yeah - Wow, happy anniversary! Well, thank you, thank you.
You two are obviously gonna want to spend tonight just the two of you, so - Yes, that was the plan.
- Jocelyn: Yeah.
Oh, well you know, the coupon expires in three weeks, so Okay, all right, let it go.
You have fun, you guys! - Okay.
- Okay? - Bye bye, now.
- Bye! Boy, that was a close call.
(Bell on door jangles) What are you doing with that? With what, this yearbook? Could you put it back, please?! Why would I put it back, when Stevie Budd was voted: "Most likely to get the guy.
" With that hair cut?! I'll have you know I was very popular with the boys.
And girls, it seems.
Wow, well, according to the Internet, you were "Mister Popular.
" I will have you know that that head-shot got me a two-episode arc on a TV series.
What series? "Dateline.
" I played a boy who got abducted from a grocery store.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
And the performance was so riveting, people thought I actually was the "Value-mart victim.
" Hmm, bet that got you laid.
It did.
It really did.
You know, I am surprised that you haven't asked me to leave early today.
Are you telepathic or something, because I have been thinking about asking you that question every day this week.
I was just kidding.
Oh no yeah, me too.
No, just with the big soiree at Mutt's tonight, I figured that you would need ample time to get ready.
Mutt's having a soiree? Well, I'm sure you're invited.
Yeah, no.
Yeah, no, why wouldn't I be? Um, were you invited? Yeah.
Yeah.
I guess it's just-just a bit of a pride issue, you know, do I attend the party hosted by the guy that you left me for? Yeah, no, I'm sure he wouldn't mind.
Yeah, but I really would have to basically throw all my self-respect just right out the window.
- (Both laugh) - Aww, that's so sweet.
So um, what time is the party tonight? - (Small laugh) - Happy anniversary, sweetheart.
Oh darling, what a sweet gesture, and a precursor no doubt, to something more grand planned.
Something more grand? Ah, knowing your penchant for surprises, I'm guessing you have something else up your sleeve.
- Yes, I do.
- Uh oh! I do, I Was going to tell you later, but I booked a restaurant in Elmdale, it's supposed to be very fancy! The one that Roland and Jocelyn just told us about? Yes! Yes, but Who knew they were asking us tonight! - Just the two of us? - Mhmm.
Sort of a "Lady and the Tramp" meets "9 1/2 Weeks" kind of dinner date? Could for one second believe that I would not have planned something For our anniversary? Tonight? The two of us? (Soft classical music plays) Hi, Rose, party of two.
Yeah, we spoke on the phone this afternoon.
You're lucky we had that cancellation.
Yes, well, lucky for someone.
We had a reservation which I of course made uh, weeks ago.
You always could swing a good table at the last minute, John.
Okay, it'll just be a few minutes.
- Thank you.
- Okay.
Moira? - Bev? - Don! - Moira! - Bev! Oh my God, the Roses! You're alive! - Moira: Ohhhh! - Johnny: Oh my gosh! - Good to see you! - Wow! What? Don? Don: Oh, I don't believe it! Moira: Come on, Don! Bev: Muah! Muah! What are you two doing here? Well, we were dropping MacKenzie off at college, and decided we'd take the scenic route home.
You must they should you must join us! Join us for dinner! - Well-oh, yes! - That would be great! We are just dying to find out what you've been up to! We're dying to tell you! - (All laugh) - Bev: Okay.
All: Ohhh (Loud, upbeat rock song plays) I set your world on fire! (Bottles clink) Come on, let's go come on, let's go Oh, I wouldn't do that if I were you.
Oh, I wouldn't either, but I couldn't find a cocktail shaker, and someone brought room temperature vodka.
N-no, I mean Mutt made those ice cubes from well water, so they smell a little fishy.
Oh.
Yeah, wouldn't want that melting in my drink, thank you very much.
- I'm Jake.
- David.
It's nice to meet you, handsome.
I-I'll-I'm gonna So I'll just Wow! Look at you.
What's that supposed to mean? No, I've just never seen you this dressed up before.
I do what I want.
And tonight, I'm wanting to meet someone.
Hmm.
So, I have a certain high school reputation I need to live up to.
Uh huh, yeah, and good luck with that.
Um, speaking of sexual popularity, I'm pretty sure that um that guy at the bar, is into me.
- Who, Jake? - Yeah.
Jake.
Why, was he one of your high school conquests? Actually, no.
But I have a pretty stellar radar for being able to tell when guys are into me.
Mhmm um, and having swam in both ponds, I can say that I might be able to navigate those waters a little but better than you.
Uh huh? Well, we'll see.
Hmm.
So-so there we are at Izzy Tennison's country home Moira: Oh, tell me she doesn't still have that stuffed bison.
Oh, does she have it? She's moved it to the front hall! What?! Grier wanted to hang her coat on the horns! (All laugh) And it gets better.
Don here Oh, wait now, don't throw me under the bus, it was Borden who started it all.
Borden Simons? It's like old home week! Anyway, I look over, and Don and Borden are on their hands and knees, crawling through the doggie door in the kitchen! - It was too funny! - (All laugh uproariously) - Oh, you should've been there.
- Oh, wish we could've been.
- Maybe next time.
- Well, cheers to that! All: Cheers.
(Glasses clink) Hey uh Johnny? Moira? Oh my God! Um, what are you guys doing here? Well, we-we just ran into each other.
Jocelyn: It's their anniversary, Roland, just let them do what they want.
It's your anniversary? You should've told us! We don't want to intrude.
Moira: No, you're not intruding, this is a surprise treat.
Oh, okay, well then, are we intruding? Because before you were saying that you didn't wanna go out tonight, so No, no, we-we uh You can certainly join us, if you don't have your own table.
We do, but that would be great! - Okay! - Yes, well then, by all means, yes, let's uh-let's Let's all sit at one table.
- Bev: This is cozy.
Hello.
- Jocelyn: Hi.
Bev: Good evening.
("Learn to love" by W.
Darling) You can stand with a shield at your side never breaking protecting your pride but you can't really win if you've nothing to lose Wow.
Look at you.
Is it weird that I'm here? It's only weird if you think it's weird.
Yeah.
Okay.
I don't if you don't.
Um, in fact, I don't actually know how late I can stay.
I just wanted to pop in, and say hey.
Well, you're awfully dolled up for a "pop in.
" (Laughs) Oh my God, stop, I basically came from work.
Babe, your stove's being testy again, should I just serve the cider cold? Uh Alexis, this is uh, my girlfriend, Tennessee.
Wow! Wow.
Woweee.
(Laughs) Alexis, hi.
It's so nice to finally meet you, Mutt's told me so much about you.
The way he describes you, it's like you're this Beautiful little poem.
Well, love "little!" Look at you! You're like a poem too.
Like, a really pretty poem, or like, a mermaid, or something.
Mutt, you're growing back your beard.
Yeah, she likes it.
Okay.
Um, okay uh, I'm gonna go grab a drink.
But um, it was so nice to finally meet you, Tallahassee, so - It's ah, Tennessee.
- Yes, Tennessee.
I love that name, it's so unique.
Um, thank God you look the way you do, because that name on the wrong girl would just Ooh! So You should feel really good about yourself.
She's cute.
You guys haven't ordered yet, have you? Because I need to present this coupon to the waiter first.
Don't know what that means.
He's so ironic, this one.
Oh! (Laughs) So where are you living now, Moira? Tell us all about it.
Moira: Oh, we're in a rustic, ranch style Bungalow that Jocelyn: It's very nice.
Very nice, it's got plenty of parking, and a TV in every room.
Don: Oh, how many bedrooms? - Ten.
- Ten bedrooms! Yeah, well, we don't use all the bedrooms.
That must be a nightmare to clean! Um, Stevie does an adequate job.
- Stevie's one of your staff? - Mhmm! (Laughs) Stevie's the only staff.
Jocelyn: This olive tapenade is Salty, I know! Is it? I-I thought it was good, but yeah, it's salty.
Bev: Hmm! Here's a funny story.
Oh, good.
On our way here, we drove through a town Not a word of a lie, called "Schittstown!" Oh! No, it was called, "Schittsville!" Schittsville! (Laughs) And from the looks of it, the town was living up to its name! Let's not go for the low-hanging fruit here, Don.
Okay? No, these are funny jokes.
Please continue, Don.
You see, Roland gets it! (Chuckles) (Loud rock song plays) You know, I'm actually having more fun at this party than I thought I would.
How did you do it? Well, I started by drinking all four of those peach schnapps that you left in my fridge No, I mean you seemed so cool about everything after we broke up.
It was almost annoying.
Cool? Alexis I couldn't stop crying.
I was scaring all the animals at work.
But when I had to go on our honeymoon without you, the zip line instructor at the Los Passions Couples Resort told me that I just gotta get through it.
Meaning my fear of heights, which I did get through.
But with you, it just It took a little longer.
I'm sorry.
It's okay.
Staff dance? Yes! Mmm! Hmm, I thought I was shame eating in private.
What is shame eating? I don't think we have enough time for that tonight.
Are you looking for someone? No, yeah, I mean, sorry, I'm just, I lost my friend who should be around here somewhere um, watching this so.
Are you here with Stevie? I am.
Yeah.
- Okay.
- Not here "with.
" No, we're not together, I'm very much single, so.
You wanna get some air? Yeah.
Uh huh.
Mm! Yeah.
Who do you have to kill around here to get another bottle of this undrinkable wine? I think it's good.
I ordered the one with the highest alcohol content.
What do you do, Roland? Bev: Something in agriculture, by the looks of it? Jocelyn: Roland is actually the mayor of our town.
Bev and Don: Oh! Not Schittsville, I hope! (Bev and Don laugh) What do you even call someone from Schittsville? A Schitter? A Schitthead? - Okay, you know what? - John, John.
Don't worry, Moira, I won't say anything untoward.
We're just having fun, John.
And I thought we were having fun, Bev, but you know what, we're not.
Oh come on, it's just a joke! No Don, here's the joke.
The joke is I'm sitting here in a half decent restaurant with my wife and our friends And all you two have done is complain about the food, and pretend that you didn't leave us high and dry after we lost everything.
Oh, we're past all that now.
I'm not quite past it, Moira.
You wrote us off, Don.
Not a phone call, not an email, not a nickel.
Roland and Jocelyn here, could not have been more generous with what little they have.
They found us a place to live, they've offered us their truck whenever we've needed it.
They've invited us to their parties, they even offered to take us out to dinner tonight.
Well, just to be clear, Johnny, we were always gonna split the bill, it's just with the coupon Jocelyn: Rollie, Rollie.
(Laughs) And that town you passed through, it's not called Schittsville.
It's called Schitt's Creek.
And it's where we live.
So Jake, um Do you drink red wine, or white wine? I don't really drink wine.
I'm more of a beer guy.
Right.
Yeah.
That doesn't help me much.
Um Well, I better get going.
I've gotta get to the shop early tomorrow morning, so.
Oh, you work retail as well? No, no.
The wood shop.
I make furniture.
Ah.
Yeah.
No, I did a lot of um I did a lot of wood working in high school.
- Oh.
- Yeah, uh, Christie McFadden accidentally nailed her hand to her paper towel holder, so that's-the lesson is just not to nail stuff You know, I'm a pretty open-minded guy.
So why don't you stop by the shop sometime? Okay.
- Good night.
- Good night.
I knew it! (Stevie and Twyla chat quietly) Uh Where were you? Where were you?! Some townies were trying to get us high, and we didn't want to offend them, because they're doing so well in life.
Didn't want to burn a bridge.
Actually, those boys did burn a bridge last summer.
Luckily they don't get as bored as they used to.
Okay.
Um So Jake is into me.
Is he? - Yeah! - What makes you think that? Because we just necked out behind the barn.
Seriously, what makes you think that? Because we put our mouths together, out behind the barn.
Just so you know, I kissed him too.
Well, that didn't happen.
Who's to say? Well, when would you have had time to do that? Did he invite you to his wood shop? Sorry, that came out wrong.
(Slow rock song plays) Smells like grass in here.
- Oh my God! - Oh my God! Okay, this is not okay! What are you guys doing here?! Shhh, Alexis! For once in your life Shhhh! I don't care what snarky remarks you kids are gonna make under your breath, tonight we are dancing as a family.
What is happening? Well, I'm down on my knees, begging you please to give me some more of that stuff Do you know your father and I hold great affection for the two of you? It may not always be obvious, but Just say it, Moira! We love you both very much.
Love you too! Love you too.
(Laughs) I understand, understand this is love love love love precious love this is precious love and is teaching me to be a better man this is precious love, precious love no I can't get enough oh I'm down on my knees then I see you must be from heaven above it's love love love love love this is love oh, it's love love love love precious love