See Dad Run (2012) s02e13 Episode Script

Okay.
All right.
Movie's over, everybody.
Time for bed.
Yeah.
Whoo! That was fun.
Yeah.
You know, really got my heart pumping.
I'm pumped up, right? Okay, so I'm just gonna head back to my deserted trailer, you know, all alone by myself where no one can hear me scream.
I'm not gonna walk you to your trailer, Kevin.
Nor will I sit with you until you fall asleep.
- Fool me once.
- Okay.
All right.
But can we use the two-way communication system? The baby monitor? The baby monitor.
Yeah, like I'm a baby, right? Okay.
I'm gonna go and activate it in the kitchen.
That ending wasn't scary.
I totally saw it coming.
Yeah, and I see you going up to bed, you.
I totally saw that coming too.
It's time to switch.
Here we go.
Come on.
I think Tazie likes me.
I'm sure she does like you, 'cause she's a pretty little puppy doggy, aren't you, Tazie? She may like you but she loves me.
Come on, Tazie.
Our guest room awaits.
Yeah, speaking of which, Marcus, you know, your wife has been in Europe for three weeks.
Why aren't you home enjoying all that peace and quiet you keep complaining you don't have? Because I'm waiting for our new bed to arrive.
You see, the mattress dent that my wife left behind created a sinkhole.
Tazie fell in.
Disappeared for two days.
She wouldn't survive if it wasn't for the doughnut crumbs and the bits of steak down there.
Yeah, I know.
Last week, it was what, you had the house tented? Now you got a bad bed.
You know, if I didn't know you better, - I'd say you were lonely.
- Lonely? Lonely? I'm a grown man.
Look, if you want me to leave, just say it, I will grab my rolly bag and my doggy, and I'm out of here, two days tops.
It's fine, Marcus.
Good night.
Joe, you just gotta man up and do it.
- Don't be a chicken.
- I'm not a chicken.
- Then prove it.
- Yeah.
Are you a man or a Everything all right, Joe? Yeah, fine.
Why? Well, 'cause when I walked in here, you slammed your computer shut real quick.
You wouldn't be hiding anything from your old man, would you? No.
'Cause you know you can talk to me about anything.
- Yeah, I know.
Night, dad.
- Okay.
Okay, David, I am safely back in my trailer, I am now tucking myself in, turning out the lights, and - Boo! - Aagh! Monster! Janie, get out of Kevin's trailer and go to bed, please.
He's so easy, daddy.
David.
David, wake up.
I'm not snoring.
There's a beeping sound.
There's nothing.
Go back to sleep.
There it is again.
What if it's a smoke alarm? Come on, honey, it needs a battery.
Go back to sleep.
Well, if it needs a battery and there's a fire, it's not gonna warn us.
The flames could slowly be making their way up the stairs as we speak.
Oh, please don't make this one of your things now.
What things? Need I remind you of your hysteria over the imminent arrival of the yet-to-arrive killer bees? Oh, they're coming, David.
They're coming.
Fine.
I'll check it myself.
No, no, no, no.
No, I'll go.
I'll go do it.
Stay here.
- Oh, hey.
- What are you doing up so late? - Ah, man, my body clock is set till 2:00 A.
M.
That's when my wife usually wakes me up with a whisper, "Marcus, I need you to go get a deep-dish pizza.
" - Was that a sigh? - Huh? I don't know what that was.
I have never done that before.
Marcus, I think you miss your wife, man.
Have you seen my wife? You couldn't miss her from space.
There it is again.
That's baffling, David.
Yes, it's baffling.
Look, you happen to hear a beep? We're trying to find out where it came from.
There it is.
No, no, no, that's me, that's me.
I was heating up a veggie burger in the microwave.
You know you have a whole freezer full of these things? Yeah, those are left over from Amy's mad cow disease frenzy.
There it is again.
Where was it? You know, these things taste like meat, but they burp like broccoli.
Ah.
Chicken fingers.
Chicken wings.
Chicken legs.
Nuggets! Keep it down.
I'm listening for a beep.
Don't push me.
I'm no chicken.
I think he's sleepwalking, man.
- What? - Is something bothering him? I don't know.
I heard some chicken noises coming from his computer, and, when I asked him what was going on, he just dodged the question.
I'll do it.
I'm not scared.
I wish he would tell me what's going on.
You know what, I'm gonna wake him up and talk to him about it.
I wouldn't do that.
It's very dangerous to wake a sleepwalker.
I'm his dad.
It'll be fine.
Joe.
Oh! Nuggets.
Honey, I'm sorry about last night.
I know I get a little worked up over this stuff.
It's okay.
I just unplugged this little sucker, and the beeping stopped.
David, this is the carbon monoxide sensor.
You can't unplug this.
We could have been poisoned in our sleep.
We're here, so we weren't.
We need to open up all the windows and get the kids out of the house now.
Honey, the kids are fine.
Come on.
Watch this, watch.
Hey, kids! If you're still breathing, can you come in the kitchen for a minute, please? This is not funny, David.
My little babies could be choking and frothing at the mouth.
We're too late! What? Nothing.
You know what, I'm gonna call the number on the back of this thing, okay? Hi.
How you doing? Listen, we have one of your sensors, and it was beeping last night I'm just gonna put you on speaker.
Was it a beep-beep or a bip-bip? It was a beep-beep.
As long as it wasn't a brr-brr.
- Why, is a brr-brr bad? - Well, it's not good.
Oh, it could have been a brr-brr.
It wasn't a brr-brr.
It as a beep-beep.
- Brr-brr.
- Are we playing birdies? 'Cause last night I kept hearing bawk-bawk.
- Bawk-bawk? - No, it was beep-beep.
- Brr-brr.
- Bawk-bawk.
- What is going on? - What did you hear last night? I heard a - No, it was a beep-beep.
- Brr-brr.
Bawk-bawk.
Okay, guys, it was probably just a bad unit.
Everything is gonna be just fine.
That's what you said about the bees, David, and they're coming.
Sir, can you calm my wife down, please? Ma'am, sounds like it's just a bad unit.
Everything's going to be just fine.
Oh, thank you.
I just said the same exact thing.
Please, he's a professional.
Mm, you have such a calm, soothing voice, sir.
Okay, marv it is.
All right, guys, who wants oh, hey, - hey, hey, hey, hey, Joe.
- Dad, I gotta go.
Fitzy's picking me up for school.
I hear you, buddy, but, listen, do you know that you were sleepwalking last night? - No.
- Okay, you were, and you were talking about chickens, and you took a swing at me.
You sure you don't want to talk about anything? I'm sure, dad.
- I gotta go.
- Oh.
So you gonna get down to business, big guy? I told you, I'll take care of it tomorrow, and I will.
My son's getting in a fight? Here's your chance, Joe.
Don't wait till tomorrow.
Yeah, do it now.
The element of surprise.
Who am I gonna surprise? Us.
Good luck, Joe.
She's really pretty.
Kiss her.
- Hey, Joe.
- Hey, Amanda.
I just found out the two of us are on lab cleaning duty tomorrow.
Correct-a-mundo.
Anyway, you looking forward to clean? I'm ready to clean.
Me too, and not just because everyone's telling me I should clean, but because I really want to.
Clean.
Well, milady, until the good morrow when there will be much cleaning to do.
Adieu.
Hey, Emily.
- Yeah? - Can you look up? Sure.
I just have one little technical question about kissing.
What is it? How to do it.
You want to learn how to kiss? That is so adorable.
You know what, look back down.
Sorry.
Okay, sit down.
A first kiss is huge, Joe.
It sets the tone for everything.
How many guys have you kissed? Did dad put you up to this? No.
Dad doesn't even know, and I want to keep it that way.
All right, well, first we should practice.
- Gross! - Not with me.
Sit.
Here.
All right.
Pretend Dr.
Monkey Chunks is Amanda.
When you move in, close your eyes.
No, but not totally.
You still want to see where you're headed.
Okay.
Now she tilts her head one way, you gotta tilt yours - the other way.
- Why? I didn't make up the rules, Joe.
I'm just paying it forward.
All right.
Now move in slowly, pucker up, and plant.
Hey, have you guys seen Doctor Janie, it's not what it looks like.
Just pretend you didn't see this.
I can't unsee this! Tazie.
Tazie.
Come on, girl.
I want to go to sleep.
- Tazie.
- Shh.
Whoa.
What are you doing up? I'm waiting for Joe to sleepwalk.
He won't open up to me about this fight when he's awake, maybe I can get through to him when he's asleep.
That's right.
Joe was about to throw down.
Uh-oh, fisticuffs.
The manly arts.
Oh, hey, I just came in to get some fresh batteries - for the two-way communication - Baby monitor.
Device, whatever.
But I heard you guys, and are we having a slumber party? No, we're not having a slumber party.
It's after dark, and the three of us are dressed in pajamas.
I think we're having a slumber party.
Ooh, pillow fight.
What? No, no.
Shh.
Here he comes.
I have to practice.
Tilt head.
Plant one.
Moment of surprise.
- Oh, no.
- Kevin, I think you're right.
I think he's having a fight at school.
Yeah, and I think he's fighting a chicken.
I hope it's not free-range.
They're dirty.
Once they get that taste of freedom, they don't want to go back in the cage.
Joe, Joe, listen to me, listen to me.
Physical contact is never the answer, okay? You're not that kind of man.
If somebody's pressuring you, you got to tell them to back off.
If they keep pressuring you, you tell 'em, "you can't make me.
" Uncle Marcus, I found her in my bed.
Oh! Oh, mommy.
I thought they'd never leave.
So let's get down to business.
You mean cleaning, right? Yeah.
Unless you're thinking of kissing me.
Well, I did practice with a monkey last night.
Cleaning.
Cleaning.
Joe, we both know this isn't about cleaning.
- Back off.
- What? What? You can't make me.
Joe, you're confusing me.
David, I did the research.
which can be very dangerous, and, oh, don't get me started with black mold.
Wait till you hear about the nightmare of asbestos.
Does it cause deafness? 'Cause if it does, I want to wear some as a hat.
David, why is the old carbon monoxide unit still here? Because I took it out to the woods and it found its way home? You know, I wish you'd at least pretend to take this seriously.
Honey, I'm trying to do that right now.
I'm kidding.
Come on.
I promise you, I'll take care of it.
Don't worry, but hey, Joe, my son, home all in one piece, what's happening? Hey, have you seen Emily? No, she's not here, but your old man is.
Well, you wanna talk? I don't know.
You sure? Come on, sit down.
Sit.
Sit.
Okay.
Yes, good.
Okay.
What's happening? What's going on? Something happened today I can't explain.
I'm the laughingstock of the whole school because I chickened out on my first kiss with Amanda.
I am proud of you you said "kiss"? Yeah.
It just went so wrong.
Amanda and I were all alone in chemistry lab.
My opening line was gonna be, "all the elements are right, and this only happens periodically.
" And you're saying it got worse than that? Yeah.
I started blurting out weird things like "back off" and "you can't make me.
" I have no idea where that came from.
That's weird.
Who knows why men say anything? But this is a good talk, Joe, it really is.
We should keep this line of communication open.
- Dad.
- Take it easy.
Let's pace ourselves, okay? Good man.
So that's why Joe told Amanda to back off? Poor guy.
I'll be okay.
I was talking about Joe.
So you're gonna have to tell him the truth, huh? That's gonna be awkward.
Not if I tell him when he's asleep.
That's your plan? Poor guy.
Oh, he'll be okay.
This time I was talking about you.
- Night, daddy.
- Yeah, sweetheart, before I go, can I ask you something? Why does Joe think that you're such an expert on kissing? Um Awkward.
Tazie, where are you, girl? Come on, girl.
- Tazie.
- Here she is.
She just came in and jumped in my bed.
Again? Oh, Tazie.
Come here, girl.
We have to figure something out, 'cause Tazie needs to sleep with me.
Maybe if you slept at your house, she wouldn't be tempted by all this.
I can't sleep at my house right now, baby girl.
Why? Daddy says, when you make that sound, it's because you miss your wife.
Well He's right.
I do miss my wife.
Say good night, Tazie.
Night, Tazie.
- Night, night.
- Night, Uncle Marcus.
Okay, good night.
Back off.
Such a chicken.
So stupid.
Joe, Joe, it's dad again.
Listen I thought you were getting into a fight at school, so I gave you some advice, which, as it turns out, was bad advice for kissing a girl.
But you're not going to blame me.
Because the truth of the matter is it's your fault for not coming to me in the first place.
I'm awake, dad.
I'm sleepwalking.
- Dad.
- Okay, fine.
Joe, I'm sorry.
What am I supposed to do now? Amanda thinks I'm nutso.
Well, look, now that I know what the real problem is, now I can give you some good advice, okay? What you need to do is you have to just just talk to her.
Tell her the truth.
She'll understand.
- You think? - Definitely.
And about that first kiss, you only get one, all right, so don't let your friends pressure you.
You and Amanda, you should just, you know, just wait till you're both ready.
- Okay? - Thanks, dad.
All right.
That's my boy.
So that's the story.
And here we are.
All the elements are in place.
Which only happens periodically.
That's such a great line, Joe.
So you ready to do this? Uh-huh.
Let's clean.
I'm glad we decided to wait to kiss, Joe.
I don't think I'm ready.
Yeah, me neither.
But when I am ready, I hope it's with you.
Me too.
Milady.
Until the time arises.
This is not a drill.
Actually it is a drill, but pretend that it's not, because your lives may depend on it.
Actually they don't, but pretend that it does.
Move it, move it, move it, move it, little one.
Move it, move it, move it.
Outside to safety.
Outside to safety.
Thank you, David, for finally taking me seriously.
You're welcome.
Good job, kids.
Oh, 30 seconds.
No, bees are a lot quicker than that.
We got to go again.