Single Parents (2018) s02e13 Episode Script
Chunkies
1 Which one? I can't decide.
Definitely neither.
Anyway, who cares? You and Tracy are just going to a restaurant.
Yeah, that serves breakfast for dinner.
Dressing for breakfast, I get.
Dressing for dinner? Double duh! But dressing for a place that blends the two? Impossiblé.
Look, you guys have been dating for a year.
If there's a sweater left that she hasn't seen, you got too many sweaters, my man! We actually haven't gone out on a date in, like, over a month.
Between the holidays and Sophie joining bell choir, we just haven't had that much time together.
Well, does bell choir need to meet five days a week? I don't know.
Do they want to make regionals? Okay.
Let's go to your closet.
I'll pick something.
Don't make eye contact with Rory, or he'll try to join us.
Will and Tracy are going to Night Yolk? That's a hot rezzie.
Just thinking about it gives zaddy a hankering for pancakes.
Listen to me, dinner tonight is gonna be bad.
No, you listen to me.
I am the taste maker of this friend group, and I won't remind you again.
It's not that.
My dad's not just having dinner with Tracy.
Tonight, he's gonna get dumped.
I was with him at KZOP, trying to kill time before his segment You're a bad bitch forecast freak! You're a bad bitch forecast freak.
SOPHIE: I was going to see if the satellite truck guys were rolling dice.
That's when it happened.
I'm tired of trying to make it work.
I feel terrible all the time.
Will and I are going to dinner tonight.
I'm gonna end it there.
GUY: Well, would you look at that.
Sisters! [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
I feel like I know the stool he's referring to.
Rory! A breakup will kill my dad.
Or at the very least, send him into another long phase of sad baths.
What makes you think your dad's gonna overreact? A caramel shirt, Poppy?! Really? What's next? You want me to put on nougat pants?! [Sighs.]
You guys want juice? 02x13 - Chunkies GRAHAM: I can't believe it's happening.
Sicily's own Graham D'Amato is finally meeting Papà Derek.
Hold still.
Tony's got pins, and he won't hear you if you scream.
I hope my new look doesn't get messed up.
You know, when we're doing guy stuff, like watching the big game and eating queso with our shirts off.
Big day.
- [Door closes.]
- Big day! I am not on antianxiety meds, and I am pumped! [Chuckles.]
Big day.
How do I look? Dynamite.
Like a rich kid going to court for murder.
How do you feel? Excited.
But also cold and sweaty and weird.
Okay, Mom, when Derek gets here, I want to be in my room doing a 3-D puzz.
So if he asks, I 3-D puzz all the time, 'kay? 'Kay, buddy.
It's your backstory.
[Door closes.]
- Okay, so, here's the plan.
- Oh, no, thank you.
Last month, I promised Graham that he could meet his dad, and today is the day.
But that kid is easily overwhelmed, so I have designed this weekend to run like a corporate retreat.
We'll exchange names, a few fun facts, and then we all go home with a tote bag and an opinion of Houston that remains 100% unchanged.
Living together has brought us closer this year.
I regret that.
See, I have broken down this weekend into digestible 90-minute chunks, okay? I call them "chunkies," because a chunky is just long enough for Graham to get a sense of Derek but not so long that he gets attached.
Okay, well, I have a date with Sky TV's all-day marathon of Brexit news, so enjoy this oddball family reunion.
No, no, no, no.
This is not a family reunion.
- [Groans.]
- Okay, this is a structured event that will repeat yearly until Graham is in college or Derek kicks it.
That's boundaries, baby.
And to set 'em, Derek is not allowed to go anywhere near my bed or my bod.
Easy, Tony.
Hi.
I'm Der Don't care.
Sorry I'm late.
I lost track of time finishing a 40-piece puzz.
Were either of those guys Graham? I have to find a way to cancel dinner.
I'd have you pretend to be sick, but you don't have the acting chops.
I've heard your fake cough.
What?! I can fake-cough.
Cough! - Oh, sweetie.
- Whatever.
I have a move that always works.
Prepare to be dazzled.
Okay, Tracy's on her way, so if there are any outfit notes, it's too late.
Dad you can't go.
Because I've been struck by vertigo.
What? Soph! [Softly.]
As Will rushes to his daughter's side, Rory reacts, impressed.
Perhaps he misjudged her after all.
Okay, did you girls get the TV up and running yet? It's a big day for Brexit coverage.
I just love seeing that stupid country fall apart.
[Chuckles.]
There's no easy way to say this.
The TV's dead.
But you said you could fix it.
We did everything we could, but it was just her time.
Poor thing.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- She was never the same after Time Warner became Spectrum.
Hey, guys, check this out Dwayne's in a car commercial! Don't bother.
She's gone.
Leave the corpse alone.
Which reminds me, take your time when making arrangements.
Yeah.
Trash pickup's not until Tuesday.
- [Click.]
- Come on down to Dwayne's, where you'll find the car of your dweams.
You did it! Miggy! [Gasps.]
What'd I do? You fixed the TV.
Even the twins couldn't do it.
But you did.
Um, Amy? What the living crap? Don't talk to me.
I'm processing.
- Hold my hand, Father.
- Oh.
I feel bad for Sophie, but am I the only one who can't stop thinking about breakfast for dinner? Girl, you basically look like a waffle to me right now.
[Sighs.]
[Doorbell rings.]
You get it.
I'll be here with these dancing spots.
Hey, is this really what vertigo looks like? Who knows? It's the vaguest sickness of all time.
Why do you think I picked it? You're evil.
- [Door opens.]
- Marry me.
- Hey.
- Hey! Team Bagels-After-Dark.
Ready to hit the road to carb town? [Door closes.]
Is everything okay? I am so sorry, but we're gonna have to play dinner by ear.
Sophie has vertigo.
It's a thing where you get dizzy.
Oh, I've had vertigo my whole life.
I had to wear a helmet to my prom, and I was still voted queen.
Imagine how good my boobs had to be.
Sorry.
Forgot my audience.
Point is, I am a vertigo expert.
Enter Tracy Freeze.
Cheap shoes, decent purse, and a hell of a plot twist.
ANGIE: Focus, all right? I am the captain of this ship.
And before you meet the only important passenger on board, I need to know you understand the rules.
- Aye aye, captain.
- No! The ship stuff is only for me.
Rule one you can only ask Graham the pre-approved questions I e-mailed.
Ho'd up.
What's in the bag? Gifts.
Turns out it's hard to shop for a kid I don't know.
"He's a boy with brown hair" was not enough information for the guy at Target.
- Bouncy ball? - Mm-hmm.
- Slingshot.
- Mm-hmm.
And what is this, shorts? Did you bring my son a pair of shorts? Are shorts no good? That's okay.
I've prepared for that.
I also have capris in my van.
How about we push gifts till Chunky Number Two? Hey, hey, before we go in there, I just want to say thank you for this.
I'm gonna meet my son.
No bod! [Whispering.]
It's showtime.
See if it fits Be sure not to jam I'm really good at puzzles, and my name is Graham Hi, Graham.
[Stammers.]
O-Okay, Graham, you wanna kick things off? You okay, man? Uh, what if I go first? What's your favorite color? [Vomiting.]
Oh! Yeah, there's a lot of junk food in there.
Don't judge me.
[Vomiting continues.]
Are you sure this is vertigo? Yeah, mine's just really bad.
Maybe you don't have vertigo.
Oh, God, the floor is the ceiling.
[Sighs.]
Tracy, if the floor was the wall, I'd feel much more confident, but I'm sorry, we have to raincheck.
Okay, are you thinking what I'm thinking? No, you're thinking what I'm thinking.
We're taking that rezzie and getting stupid on eggs.
- Will, we can totally stay.
- [Sighs.]
I mean, you know, nothing we can do.
- We're here for you.
- Okay, you have my cell.
- Okay, byeeee! - Okay, byeeee! [Door opens, closes.]
Papa? I could use a blanket.
Classic or electric? You know, never mind, I'm bringing both.
[Sighs.]
How you feeling? Spinning like a dreidel.
Oy vey! I know the feeling.
How's the light sensitivity? Brutal.
It's like my sunglasses need sunglasses, ya feel? You know what I hate? The stuffy noses.
Yeah.
What up, my mouth-breathers? Stuffy noses isn't a vertigo thing.
I know.
I have a cold, too.
Cough! I'm trying to determine if that was a nervous barf or a sick barf.
Oh, I know all about barf types 'cause of the band.
I can tell from here he's not drunk.
That's good.
Y-You know what? I do not need your help.
Just go to your van until I can figure out how to rework my game plan.
Okay.
I guess knock if you need me.
I'm the orange one out front with the sticker of the shy crow.
[Front door opens, closes.]
Where's Derek? Did I ruin it? Did he leave? He's outside.
But, honey, you're sick.
Maybe we should tell him to come back another time.
No! I sold the puzz thing, and now I'm riding a post-barf high.
I've got a nine-minute window before I go down again.
Please, Mom? Hey.
How's Graham? Oh.
Sorry.
It's a guy thing.
Queso? Pass.
What is happening in here? Oh, these are all gifts for Graham.
I don't know what kind of kid he is.
Spooky? Party dude? Pyromaniac? I got a gift for every kind of kid.
- Is that a turtle? - She's mine.
But if Graham wants Phoebe, I'm sure she'll adjust.
Okay, you know what? We don't have time for this.
We only have seven minutes until the barf train hits again, so put on your shirt and come inside.
Wait, no! Keep it off.
No! Put it on! And hustle, you sicko.
Look at us.
We're still the best in the damn business.
So what if Miggy fixed the stupid TV? Yeah, even a broken clock's right twice a day.
Let's see him try to power sand mahogany.
Hey, scary look-alikes, can I borrow your screwdriver? The one with the crisscrossy? Your dad asked me to fix the toaster.
AMY: Douglas! What gives? You replacing us? We gave you our best work years.
I guess that counts for jack potatoes around here.
So I let Miggy take a crack at the toaster.
He's on a hot streak.
I'm on a hot streak! I'll tell you what why don't we all sit down and watch Europe fall apart as a family? Pass.
We got bigger problems to face.
This chapter of our lives as useful citizens is over.
[Footsteps depart.]
- [Thudding.]
- Will.
- [Thudding stops.]
- After you're finished chopping rosemary to help bring out the Hot Pocket, can we maybe sit and talk? I'm sorry.
I can't.
Sophie needs me.
- [Thudding resumes.]
- Does she? [Thudding stops.]
Is it possible that she might be faking? Whoa.
Did you just accuse my daughter of lying? It's just, I spent 10 summers at Grimace House, a safe space for kids with vertigo.
I know vertigo, and she doesn't have it.
[Irish accent.]
Ha-cha-cha, that's a brazen accusation.
All I'm saying is that Sophie is [Normal voice.]
Sick, Tracy, with vertigo.
And I know that that ruins our date, but you just have to accept the fact that tonight can't be about you.
[Smacks lips.]
Oh, uh, believe me, I'm getting that.
You know, I'm gonna go to Night Yolk.
I'm gonna change into comfy pants and freak people out with how much I solo-order.
[Sighs.]
Dad! My body's giving out on me! While you're in the kitchen, can I have an eclair I made you a Hot Pocket.
Before you destroy me, just remember, I'm a child of divorce.
Thanks for staying.
There are just a few things I've always wondered about you, like do you prefer Chili's or Chili's Too? [Smacks lips.]
Chili's Too.
They're airport-only, so you never know where they're getting their fish.
What a rush.
Great.
Next question? Have we seen the last of Ricky Martin? He'll be back when we least expect it.
Uh-oh.
How you feeling? Okay.
Have you ever barfed before? Oh, that's not on the list.
Fine.
Go for it.
But be brief.
Yes.
I've barfed many times.
Cool.
When it happens, do you cry a little, too? Every time.
Time's up.
It's coming for me.
I'll help.
Nope.
We don't need your help.
- [Door opens.]
- Graham, Mommy will meet you there.
- [Graham vomiting.]
- At least let me get him some water.
No need.
I am in control.
I am going to tuck my son in independently, just like I have done for every flu since he was born.
'Cause, as you can see, you being here for this really isn't necessary.
It's never been necessary, for that matter.
'Cause I can, and will, take care of things all by myself.
See? I didn't need you at all.
Yeah.
[Inhales deeply.]
[Sighs.]
Well, I should probably get back to my van.
Phoebe will be hungry for her flies.
Unless you have some loose kale.
You know what? I'm good.
Also that kid is amazing.
Wait.
[Gagging.]
[Coughs, vomiting.]
So, vertigo's always been a lie? Like when you got it before Gam Gam's funeral or when I wanted to take you moped shopping? - God, now I'm dizzy.
- Sorry.
I only use it for emergencies.
Yeah, what was the emergency tonight? Tracy was gonna dump you.
What? How do you even know that? I overheard her at KZOP.
Oh, God.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
The only thing worse than being dumped by your girlfriend is hearing you're dumped by your 9-year-old.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what to do.
No, it's sweet that you were trying to protect me, but if Tracy wants to break up with me, I can't avoid it.
Am I still in trouble? Oh, definitely.
Lying is always wrong, even if your heart was in the right place.
Like when you killed that parrot.
Cool.
The dreams had just stopped.
[Sighs.]
Oh! Don't even think about carrying me to my bedroom, you perv.
Fine.
I'll just lightly push you.
No, no! No.
I think it's time for you to go, okay? I-I'm clearly too sick to protect Graham.
Protect Graham? Is this really about Graham, or is this about you? 'Cause it feels like if it was about Graham, you'd let me help.
[Sighs.]
All right, maybe it is about me, okay? Maybe I'm mad because I could've had help for eight years worth of stomach flus, but I didn't because you abandoned us.
Look, Angie No talkie! Just listen-y! [Sighs.]
I have made it through mother/son sick days his whole life, and I'm gonna do it again today.
Now, excuse me.
I have to go get my son some water.
[Sighs.]
[Water pouring.]
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
You like this, don't you? You nasty.
Mm.
Well, it's official.
We're useless.
We're pay phones, Amy.
We're pay phones.
Okay, enough bellyaching.
So you couldn't fix the TV.
Look at all the things you've done around here.
You put the sauna in, for crying out loud.
Any schnook with hands could've done that.
Yeah, we don't need your pity.
Now screw.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa-kay.
I can't let this go on any longer.
I didn't fix anything.
Not technically.
Oh, ho'd up.
Oh, God, now I'm saying that kind of thing.
I got to start hanging around people my own age.
Carry on.
I just blew in the ports and thought happy thoughts.
Same thing I do when my Nintendo's not working.
- I knew it was an accident! - [Sighs.]
I should've said something, but it was nice to feel smart just for once.
EMMA: But here's the great thing, Miggy you're not, and we are.
Order's been restored.
Ouch.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Exhales deeply.]
This is bad.
We should be there for Will, not taking his meal.
They make a crab meat beignet.
Oh, we're definitely getting those.
TRACY: Poppy? Rory? Did you take my table? I booked it two months ago after my lizard passed.
Uh, no, Tracy.
And to be honest, I'm a little offended, okay? And also, the reservation's under Will's name, so Oh, wow.
Look who's standing upright without any problems.
Uh Rory, why don't we give Tracy the table? Also, it's time for us to get our souvenir T-shirts.
Okay.
I am sorry.
She was faking it.
And not that it makes it better, but the only reason she was doing that is because she said you were planning on breaking up with me.
- [Stammers.]
- Now, before you say anything, I just want to say I know that I haven't been present, but that is all gonna change, okay? Next week, I am all yours.
Well, no, scratch that.
Sophie starts two-a-days at bell choir, but after that, it lightens up.
Unless they go to state, in which case I'm just gonna rent a place in Sacramento, because if we win, we get to perform for Gavin Newsom.
Will, I wasn't gonna break up with you.
You weren't? Mnh-mnh.
But what about what Sophie overheard at KZOP? I am tired of trying to make it work.
I feel terrible all the time.
Will and I are going to dinner tonight.
I'm gonna end it there.
GUY: Well, would you look at that.
No more dieting for Tracy Freeze.
Sisters! - You were ending a diet? - Mm-hmm.
Which is why you were so anxious to get to dinner tonight.
Which also explains why I was so easily frustrated by a 9-year-old, which I am sorry about.
[Sighs.]
I am so glad you're not planning to break up with me.
[Chuckles.]
Um I wasn't planning on it, but, um after tonight, I'm just wondering if maybe time apart isn't the worst idea.
Let's not just end this because of one night of my child experimenting with acting.
I mean, she was pretty good, after all.
It's not just tonight, Will.
It's always something.
I know.
I'm working on that, right? I mean, I'm not hanging out with Angie anymore, and I guess I could get more babysitters for Sophie, maybe do, like, a grid swap with Miggy, and then I I don't want you to have to wedge me in.
I know that I cannot be the number one person in your life, but I want to be the number one person in someone's life.
You deserve that.
And he's a lucky someone, whoever he is.
Thank you.
Uh, I hate to cut this short, but my blood sugar has plummeted beneath the floor.
So I'm gonna take this half-eaten plate of pancakes and destroy it in my car.
Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna wait till my car.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
For 12 hours.
I'll see you at work.
Yes.
[Chuckles.]
Awkward.
Goodbye, Will.
Did that go as badly as it looked? Can't believe it's over.
Gonna really miss her.
I am so sorry about Tracy, Will.
If it helps, this place has a breakfast tea with booze in it that I swear is better than love.
[Chuckles.]
- Oh, butts.
- All right.
- Uno! - Uno! - Dos! - Dos! - Three! - Tres.
Hey, you made the little guy from the Mucinex commercial.
- Yeah! - That's awesome.
Hey, Mom, look what Derek got me.
It's shorts! And they're green! Wow, you are rocking those, buddy! You want some pancakes? Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm just gonna give my ol' tum a rest.
Can I talk to you for a second? I hope you don't mind that I'm here.
I know I'm supposed to stay in the van, even though I'm pretty sure it's haunted by the ghost of my dead drummer, but I just I didn't want to leave you alone.
It's fine.
The shorts were a hit.
It's not fine.
I've been thinking about what you said.
I'm so sorry.
I know I can't make up for years of being gone, but I can try to be better now, if if you'll let me.
I appreciate that.
And you know what? Why don't you stay on the couch for the rest of your trip? Are you sure? Yeah.
Obviously, Graham loves having you here, and my plan to control everything already went to hell.
So I'm just gonna let everything unfold naturally.
Hey, Mom, guess what? Derek told me I have a half-sister.
What's that, now? Uh, she's a turtle named Phoebe.
Derek found her on the What's it called? The highway.
So cool.
Can you believe this day? I've come into shorts and a sister! Graham D'Amato is cleaning up.
Well, come on, Mom, you got to have something.
Okay.
Definitely neither.
Anyway, who cares? You and Tracy are just going to a restaurant.
Yeah, that serves breakfast for dinner.
Dressing for breakfast, I get.
Dressing for dinner? Double duh! But dressing for a place that blends the two? Impossiblé.
Look, you guys have been dating for a year.
If there's a sweater left that she hasn't seen, you got too many sweaters, my man! We actually haven't gone out on a date in, like, over a month.
Between the holidays and Sophie joining bell choir, we just haven't had that much time together.
Well, does bell choir need to meet five days a week? I don't know.
Do they want to make regionals? Okay.
Let's go to your closet.
I'll pick something.
Don't make eye contact with Rory, or he'll try to join us.
Will and Tracy are going to Night Yolk? That's a hot rezzie.
Just thinking about it gives zaddy a hankering for pancakes.
Listen to me, dinner tonight is gonna be bad.
No, you listen to me.
I am the taste maker of this friend group, and I won't remind you again.
It's not that.
My dad's not just having dinner with Tracy.
Tonight, he's gonna get dumped.
I was with him at KZOP, trying to kill time before his segment You're a bad bitch forecast freak! You're a bad bitch forecast freak.
SOPHIE: I was going to see if the satellite truck guys were rolling dice.
That's when it happened.
I'm tired of trying to make it work.
I feel terrible all the time.
Will and I are going to dinner tonight.
I'm gonna end it there.
GUY: Well, would you look at that.
Sisters! [Chuckles.]
[Sighs.]
I feel like I know the stool he's referring to.
Rory! A breakup will kill my dad.
Or at the very least, send him into another long phase of sad baths.
What makes you think your dad's gonna overreact? A caramel shirt, Poppy?! Really? What's next? You want me to put on nougat pants?! [Sighs.]
You guys want juice? 02x13 - Chunkies GRAHAM: I can't believe it's happening.
Sicily's own Graham D'Amato is finally meeting Papà Derek.
Hold still.
Tony's got pins, and he won't hear you if you scream.
I hope my new look doesn't get messed up.
You know, when we're doing guy stuff, like watching the big game and eating queso with our shirts off.
Big day.
- [Door closes.]
- Big day! I am not on antianxiety meds, and I am pumped! [Chuckles.]
Big day.
How do I look? Dynamite.
Like a rich kid going to court for murder.
How do you feel? Excited.
But also cold and sweaty and weird.
Okay, Mom, when Derek gets here, I want to be in my room doing a 3-D puzz.
So if he asks, I 3-D puzz all the time, 'kay? 'Kay, buddy.
It's your backstory.
[Door closes.]
- Okay, so, here's the plan.
- Oh, no, thank you.
Last month, I promised Graham that he could meet his dad, and today is the day.
But that kid is easily overwhelmed, so I have designed this weekend to run like a corporate retreat.
We'll exchange names, a few fun facts, and then we all go home with a tote bag and an opinion of Houston that remains 100% unchanged.
Living together has brought us closer this year.
I regret that.
See, I have broken down this weekend into digestible 90-minute chunks, okay? I call them "chunkies," because a chunky is just long enough for Graham to get a sense of Derek but not so long that he gets attached.
Okay, well, I have a date with Sky TV's all-day marathon of Brexit news, so enjoy this oddball family reunion.
No, no, no, no.
This is not a family reunion.
- [Groans.]
- Okay, this is a structured event that will repeat yearly until Graham is in college or Derek kicks it.
That's boundaries, baby.
And to set 'em, Derek is not allowed to go anywhere near my bed or my bod.
Easy, Tony.
Hi.
I'm Der Don't care.
Sorry I'm late.
I lost track of time finishing a 40-piece puzz.
Were either of those guys Graham? I have to find a way to cancel dinner.
I'd have you pretend to be sick, but you don't have the acting chops.
I've heard your fake cough.
What?! I can fake-cough.
Cough! - Oh, sweetie.
- Whatever.
I have a move that always works.
Prepare to be dazzled.
Okay, Tracy's on her way, so if there are any outfit notes, it's too late.
Dad you can't go.
Because I've been struck by vertigo.
What? Soph! [Softly.]
As Will rushes to his daughter's side, Rory reacts, impressed.
Perhaps he misjudged her after all.
Okay, did you girls get the TV up and running yet? It's a big day for Brexit coverage.
I just love seeing that stupid country fall apart.
[Chuckles.]
There's no easy way to say this.
The TV's dead.
But you said you could fix it.
We did everything we could, but it was just her time.
Poor thing.
- [Door opens, closes.]
- She was never the same after Time Warner became Spectrum.
Hey, guys, check this out Dwayne's in a car commercial! Don't bother.
She's gone.
Leave the corpse alone.
Which reminds me, take your time when making arrangements.
Yeah.
Trash pickup's not until Tuesday.
- [Click.]
- Come on down to Dwayne's, where you'll find the car of your dweams.
You did it! Miggy! [Gasps.]
What'd I do? You fixed the TV.
Even the twins couldn't do it.
But you did.
Um, Amy? What the living crap? Don't talk to me.
I'm processing.
- Hold my hand, Father.
- Oh.
I feel bad for Sophie, but am I the only one who can't stop thinking about breakfast for dinner? Girl, you basically look like a waffle to me right now.
[Sighs.]
[Doorbell rings.]
You get it.
I'll be here with these dancing spots.
Hey, is this really what vertigo looks like? Who knows? It's the vaguest sickness of all time.
Why do you think I picked it? You're evil.
- [Door opens.]
- Marry me.
- Hey.
- Hey! Team Bagels-After-Dark.
Ready to hit the road to carb town? [Door closes.]
Is everything okay? I am so sorry, but we're gonna have to play dinner by ear.
Sophie has vertigo.
It's a thing where you get dizzy.
Oh, I've had vertigo my whole life.
I had to wear a helmet to my prom, and I was still voted queen.
Imagine how good my boobs had to be.
Sorry.
Forgot my audience.
Point is, I am a vertigo expert.
Enter Tracy Freeze.
Cheap shoes, decent purse, and a hell of a plot twist.
ANGIE: Focus, all right? I am the captain of this ship.
And before you meet the only important passenger on board, I need to know you understand the rules.
- Aye aye, captain.
- No! The ship stuff is only for me.
Rule one you can only ask Graham the pre-approved questions I e-mailed.
Ho'd up.
What's in the bag? Gifts.
Turns out it's hard to shop for a kid I don't know.
"He's a boy with brown hair" was not enough information for the guy at Target.
- Bouncy ball? - Mm-hmm.
- Slingshot.
- Mm-hmm.
And what is this, shorts? Did you bring my son a pair of shorts? Are shorts no good? That's okay.
I've prepared for that.
I also have capris in my van.
How about we push gifts till Chunky Number Two? Hey, hey, before we go in there, I just want to say thank you for this.
I'm gonna meet my son.
No bod! [Whispering.]
It's showtime.
See if it fits Be sure not to jam I'm really good at puzzles, and my name is Graham Hi, Graham.
[Stammers.]
O-Okay, Graham, you wanna kick things off? You okay, man? Uh, what if I go first? What's your favorite color? [Vomiting.]
Oh! Yeah, there's a lot of junk food in there.
Don't judge me.
[Vomiting continues.]
Are you sure this is vertigo? Yeah, mine's just really bad.
Maybe you don't have vertigo.
Oh, God, the floor is the ceiling.
[Sighs.]
Tracy, if the floor was the wall, I'd feel much more confident, but I'm sorry, we have to raincheck.
Okay, are you thinking what I'm thinking? No, you're thinking what I'm thinking.
We're taking that rezzie and getting stupid on eggs.
- Will, we can totally stay.
- [Sighs.]
I mean, you know, nothing we can do.
- We're here for you.
- Okay, you have my cell.
- Okay, byeeee! - Okay, byeeee! [Door opens, closes.]
Papa? I could use a blanket.
Classic or electric? You know, never mind, I'm bringing both.
[Sighs.]
How you feeling? Spinning like a dreidel.
Oy vey! I know the feeling.
How's the light sensitivity? Brutal.
It's like my sunglasses need sunglasses, ya feel? You know what I hate? The stuffy noses.
Yeah.
What up, my mouth-breathers? Stuffy noses isn't a vertigo thing.
I know.
I have a cold, too.
Cough! I'm trying to determine if that was a nervous barf or a sick barf.
Oh, I know all about barf types 'cause of the band.
I can tell from here he's not drunk.
That's good.
Y-You know what? I do not need your help.
Just go to your van until I can figure out how to rework my game plan.
Okay.
I guess knock if you need me.
I'm the orange one out front with the sticker of the shy crow.
[Front door opens, closes.]
Where's Derek? Did I ruin it? Did he leave? He's outside.
But, honey, you're sick.
Maybe we should tell him to come back another time.
No! I sold the puzz thing, and now I'm riding a post-barf high.
I've got a nine-minute window before I go down again.
Please, Mom? Hey.
How's Graham? Oh.
Sorry.
It's a guy thing.
Queso? Pass.
What is happening in here? Oh, these are all gifts for Graham.
I don't know what kind of kid he is.
Spooky? Party dude? Pyromaniac? I got a gift for every kind of kid.
- Is that a turtle? - She's mine.
But if Graham wants Phoebe, I'm sure she'll adjust.
Okay, you know what? We don't have time for this.
We only have seven minutes until the barf train hits again, so put on your shirt and come inside.
Wait, no! Keep it off.
No! Put it on! And hustle, you sicko.
Look at us.
We're still the best in the damn business.
So what if Miggy fixed the stupid TV? Yeah, even a broken clock's right twice a day.
Let's see him try to power sand mahogany.
Hey, scary look-alikes, can I borrow your screwdriver? The one with the crisscrossy? Your dad asked me to fix the toaster.
AMY: Douglas! What gives? You replacing us? We gave you our best work years.
I guess that counts for jack potatoes around here.
So I let Miggy take a crack at the toaster.
He's on a hot streak.
I'm on a hot streak! I'll tell you what why don't we all sit down and watch Europe fall apart as a family? Pass.
We got bigger problems to face.
This chapter of our lives as useful citizens is over.
[Footsteps depart.]
- [Thudding.]
- Will.
- [Thudding stops.]
- After you're finished chopping rosemary to help bring out the Hot Pocket, can we maybe sit and talk? I'm sorry.
I can't.
Sophie needs me.
- [Thudding resumes.]
- Does she? [Thudding stops.]
Is it possible that she might be faking? Whoa.
Did you just accuse my daughter of lying? It's just, I spent 10 summers at Grimace House, a safe space for kids with vertigo.
I know vertigo, and she doesn't have it.
[Irish accent.]
Ha-cha-cha, that's a brazen accusation.
All I'm saying is that Sophie is [Normal voice.]
Sick, Tracy, with vertigo.
And I know that that ruins our date, but you just have to accept the fact that tonight can't be about you.
[Smacks lips.]
Oh, uh, believe me, I'm getting that.
You know, I'm gonna go to Night Yolk.
I'm gonna change into comfy pants and freak people out with how much I solo-order.
[Sighs.]
Dad! My body's giving out on me! While you're in the kitchen, can I have an eclair I made you a Hot Pocket.
Before you destroy me, just remember, I'm a child of divorce.
Thanks for staying.
There are just a few things I've always wondered about you, like do you prefer Chili's or Chili's Too? [Smacks lips.]
Chili's Too.
They're airport-only, so you never know where they're getting their fish.
What a rush.
Great.
Next question? Have we seen the last of Ricky Martin? He'll be back when we least expect it.
Uh-oh.
How you feeling? Okay.
Have you ever barfed before? Oh, that's not on the list.
Fine.
Go for it.
But be brief.
Yes.
I've barfed many times.
Cool.
When it happens, do you cry a little, too? Every time.
Time's up.
It's coming for me.
I'll help.
Nope.
We don't need your help.
- [Door opens.]
- Graham, Mommy will meet you there.
- [Graham vomiting.]
- At least let me get him some water.
No need.
I am in control.
I am going to tuck my son in independently, just like I have done for every flu since he was born.
'Cause, as you can see, you being here for this really isn't necessary.
It's never been necessary, for that matter.
'Cause I can, and will, take care of things all by myself.
See? I didn't need you at all.
Yeah.
[Inhales deeply.]
[Sighs.]
Well, I should probably get back to my van.
Phoebe will be hungry for her flies.
Unless you have some loose kale.
You know what? I'm good.
Also that kid is amazing.
Wait.
[Gagging.]
[Coughs, vomiting.]
So, vertigo's always been a lie? Like when you got it before Gam Gam's funeral or when I wanted to take you moped shopping? - God, now I'm dizzy.
- Sorry.
I only use it for emergencies.
Yeah, what was the emergency tonight? Tracy was gonna dump you.
What? How do you even know that? I overheard her at KZOP.
Oh, God.
[Sighs.]
Wow.
The only thing worse than being dumped by your girlfriend is hearing you're dumped by your 9-year-old.
Dad, I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what to do.
No, it's sweet that you were trying to protect me, but if Tracy wants to break up with me, I can't avoid it.
Am I still in trouble? Oh, definitely.
Lying is always wrong, even if your heart was in the right place.
Like when you killed that parrot.
Cool.
The dreams had just stopped.
[Sighs.]
Oh! Don't even think about carrying me to my bedroom, you perv.
Fine.
I'll just lightly push you.
No, no! No.
I think it's time for you to go, okay? I-I'm clearly too sick to protect Graham.
Protect Graham? Is this really about Graham, or is this about you? 'Cause it feels like if it was about Graham, you'd let me help.
[Sighs.]
All right, maybe it is about me, okay? Maybe I'm mad because I could've had help for eight years worth of stomach flus, but I didn't because you abandoned us.
Look, Angie No talkie! Just listen-y! [Sighs.]
I have made it through mother/son sick days his whole life, and I'm gonna do it again today.
Now, excuse me.
I have to go get my son some water.
[Sighs.]
[Water pouring.]
[Sighs.]
[Sighs.]
You like this, don't you? You nasty.
Mm.
Well, it's official.
We're useless.
We're pay phones, Amy.
We're pay phones.
Okay, enough bellyaching.
So you couldn't fix the TV.
Look at all the things you've done around here.
You put the sauna in, for crying out loud.
Any schnook with hands could've done that.
Yeah, we don't need your pity.
Now screw.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Whoa-kay.
I can't let this go on any longer.
I didn't fix anything.
Not technically.
Oh, ho'd up.
Oh, God, now I'm saying that kind of thing.
I got to start hanging around people my own age.
Carry on.
I just blew in the ports and thought happy thoughts.
Same thing I do when my Nintendo's not working.
- I knew it was an accident! - [Sighs.]
I should've said something, but it was nice to feel smart just for once.
EMMA: But here's the great thing, Miggy you're not, and we are.
Order's been restored.
Ouch.
[Indistinct conversations.]
[Exhales deeply.]
This is bad.
We should be there for Will, not taking his meal.
They make a crab meat beignet.
Oh, we're definitely getting those.
TRACY: Poppy? Rory? Did you take my table? I booked it two months ago after my lizard passed.
Uh, no, Tracy.
And to be honest, I'm a little offended, okay? And also, the reservation's under Will's name, so Oh, wow.
Look who's standing upright without any problems.
Uh Rory, why don't we give Tracy the table? Also, it's time for us to get our souvenir T-shirts.
Okay.
I am sorry.
She was faking it.
And not that it makes it better, but the only reason she was doing that is because she said you were planning on breaking up with me.
- [Stammers.]
- Now, before you say anything, I just want to say I know that I haven't been present, but that is all gonna change, okay? Next week, I am all yours.
Well, no, scratch that.
Sophie starts two-a-days at bell choir, but after that, it lightens up.
Unless they go to state, in which case I'm just gonna rent a place in Sacramento, because if we win, we get to perform for Gavin Newsom.
Will, I wasn't gonna break up with you.
You weren't? Mnh-mnh.
But what about what Sophie overheard at KZOP? I am tired of trying to make it work.
I feel terrible all the time.
Will and I are going to dinner tonight.
I'm gonna end it there.
GUY: Well, would you look at that.
No more dieting for Tracy Freeze.
Sisters! - You were ending a diet? - Mm-hmm.
Which is why you were so anxious to get to dinner tonight.
Which also explains why I was so easily frustrated by a 9-year-old, which I am sorry about.
[Sighs.]
I am so glad you're not planning to break up with me.
[Chuckles.]
Um I wasn't planning on it, but, um after tonight, I'm just wondering if maybe time apart isn't the worst idea.
Let's not just end this because of one night of my child experimenting with acting.
I mean, she was pretty good, after all.
It's not just tonight, Will.
It's always something.
I know.
I'm working on that, right? I mean, I'm not hanging out with Angie anymore, and I guess I could get more babysitters for Sophie, maybe do, like, a grid swap with Miggy, and then I I don't want you to have to wedge me in.
I know that I cannot be the number one person in your life, but I want to be the number one person in someone's life.
You deserve that.
And he's a lucky someone, whoever he is.
Thank you.
Uh, I hate to cut this short, but my blood sugar has plummeted beneath the floor.
So I'm gonna take this half-eaten plate of pancakes and destroy it in my car.
Who am I kidding? I'm not gonna wait till my car.
Well, I guess this is goodbye.
For 12 hours.
I'll see you at work.
Yes.
[Chuckles.]
Awkward.
Goodbye, Will.
Did that go as badly as it looked? Can't believe it's over.
Gonna really miss her.
I am so sorry about Tracy, Will.
If it helps, this place has a breakfast tea with booze in it that I swear is better than love.
[Chuckles.]
- Oh, butts.
- All right.
- Uno! - Uno! - Dos! - Dos! - Three! - Tres.
Hey, you made the little guy from the Mucinex commercial.
- Yeah! - That's awesome.
Hey, Mom, look what Derek got me.
It's shorts! And they're green! Wow, you are rocking those, buddy! You want some pancakes? Oh, no, I'm good.
I'm just gonna give my ol' tum a rest.
Can I talk to you for a second? I hope you don't mind that I'm here.
I know I'm supposed to stay in the van, even though I'm pretty sure it's haunted by the ghost of my dead drummer, but I just I didn't want to leave you alone.
It's fine.
The shorts were a hit.
It's not fine.
I've been thinking about what you said.
I'm so sorry.
I know I can't make up for years of being gone, but I can try to be better now, if if you'll let me.
I appreciate that.
And you know what? Why don't you stay on the couch for the rest of your trip? Are you sure? Yeah.
Obviously, Graham loves having you here, and my plan to control everything already went to hell.
So I'm just gonna let everything unfold naturally.
Hey, Mom, guess what? Derek told me I have a half-sister.
What's that, now? Uh, she's a turtle named Phoebe.
Derek found her on the What's it called? The highway.
So cool.
Can you believe this day? I've come into shorts and a sister! Graham D'Amato is cleaning up.
Well, come on, Mom, you got to have something.
Okay.