Sledge Hammer! s02e13 Episode Script

Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
Gentlemen, last night, the B Lab here at the Germ Warfare Centre was broken into.
The object of that break-in was Formula BX976- a highly toxic, a highly secret substance.
Now this man is Richard Sirot, a known foreign agent.
His attempt to steaI a sample of BX976 was not successfuI - he escaped without the toxin.
But although he didn't get it, he got it.
By which I mean he contaminated himself.
He's now highly contagious and he will contaminate anyone he comes in contact with, which just goes to show you, this stuff is not only deadly, it's darned economicaI.
Now, here are the four stages of this disease.
Stage one, hallucinations.
Stage two, disorientation and lack of co-ordination.
Stage three, lethargy, leading to coma.
Stage four, the Big Kahuna, death.
Now, there you have it.
This man is on the loose and he must be found before he contaminates everyone in this country.
This mission is top secret.
No-one in the public knows.
Any questions? Good.
Let's get to work.
The reason I called you in is because Hammer.
Hammer.
Hammer, what are you doing? Don't worry, sir - pest controI.
- Dang, just winged him.
- Gimme that gun so I can kill you.
I was protecting you, sir.
Flies are filth - they spread disease.
You're a disease and I survived you barely.
You seem upset.
Captain, you were saying? I was saying that Hammer is going to be the death of me.
But what I wanted to say, what I wanted to say, is that the military is asking for our assistance.
The military? No problem.
My tank is gassed up and ready to roll.
Hammer, the military doesn't need your tank.
It needs your eyes.
They're ready to roll too.
See? They need our help in locating this man, Richard Sirot.
Uh-huh, Sirot.
What does he look like? He looks like this.
Oh, right, I don't know where my head's at.
All right, now, my orders are very specific.
If you spot this man, don't approach him or apprehend him.
Don't even touch him.
Why, has he got a major case of the cooties? Hammer, if I wasn't trying to controI my high blood pressure, I would scream at you.
- You screamed at me already.
- Shut up.
Twice.
They're adding up.
.
Shut up you.
If you see this man, I want you to call this speciaI number - - It's too many numbers, Captain.
- Obviously you haven't been in the military.
I wish the military would tell us what this Sirot clown did.
I can't stand secrets.
Even as a kid at Christmas, I would take my toys and shake 'em and listen to 'em and bang 'em on the floor.
I had to know what was inside.
- What did you find out? - Santa brought me a lot of broken toys.
Hammer, I gotta close up.
This deadbeat's been here all night, nursing one beer.
Fruitcakes like him make my blood pressure push the envelope.
No problemo, Jack.
Alright, vagrant, time to dump your garbage someplace else, this joint is closing.
Comprehendo, slimebago? Sledge, do you know who that is? Yeah, the creep that's driving Jack crazy.
Richard Sirot.
Take a look.
It's the guy the military's looking for.
Come on, we'd better call.
I don't need the army to help me bust this sick sicko.
Sledge, our orders were specific.
We are not to touch him.
Trust me.
I know what I'm doing.
I just snagged the biggest fish in this city.
No, no, no, hold your applause untiI I get him mounted.
Look what I found, sir.
Hammer, you were supposed to call that number.
Why didn't you? - I didn't have 20 cents.
- It's toll-free, tortoise brain! All right, listen, take Sirot down to the holding tank.
I gotta talk to the military and try to salvage my head from the chopping block.
I wish you'd called that number.
Hammer, this guy is really sick.
Of course he's sick.
He's a Commie and all Commies are sick.
What we really need is a doctor.
Excuse me, I couldn't help overhearing.
I'm a doctor.
I'd be glad to examine this man.
A doctor in the next cell? What are the odds? Get him in here.
Let's have a little look here.
Here we go.
It'll just take a few minutes here.
This won't take long.
I promise not to hurt you.
Here we go.
We don't need a CAT scan, just tell me what's wrong with him.
If you don't mind, I'm the doctor.
Cough, please.
Please cough.
Prognosis is not very good.
Patient is not breathing, patient is not moving, patient's heart is not beating.
Well, gee, then he must be dead.
Bambi, please, I'm the doctor.
He must be dead.
This is all we need, Hammer.
By the way, what're you in here for? Impersonating a doctor.
And I'm not really a nurse either.
- That's disgusting.
- Yeah, but the pay is great.
Captain, Sirot just died.
Oh, that's terrific, that's just wonderfuI.
That really makes my day Did Hammer shoot him through the heart? Hammer had nothing to do with it.
Hammer always has something to do with it.
That psycho's been the salt in my coffee since he came here, but I don't really care, Doreau.
It doesn't matter to me any more, because, I mean, even if I'm gonna lose my badge and I'll be on the streets, it doesn't matter to me because OK, everybody, the building is under quarantine.
UntiI further notice, no-one exits or enters the building.
No exceptions.
Questions? Yes, quite a few.
I'm ColoneI Poltz.
How you doing today? Horrible.
Why are we under quarantine, ColoneI? Please, call me Mike.
- OK, Mike, what is all this? - All what? All these people in space suits, what are they doing? Sealing off the building.
It's very routine.
And what's with all these cameras? Routine.
ObservationaI purposes.
And just what is it that you're observing, Mike? Captain, relax.
Just pretend we're not here.
You go about your business as usuaI.
Just don't leave the building.
Hey, Cap, why don't you give me a little tour so I can check out the layout, see who's where and what's what? Hey, Blood, we done paid our bills, so what's with all this quarantine business? - Hey, Wanda, what's he, your pimp? - Our attorney.
You best believe it, homeboy.
Harvard class of '82.
Now, why don't you cut us some slack before I habeas corpus upside your chubby little face? Roger, please, you're making a spectacle of yourself.
Thank you very much for your hospitality, Captain.
I must be moving along now.
Duty calls.
What am I supposed to do about Sirot? He's down in my holding tank, dead.
Don't worry, he's not going anywhere.
All right, so so far, you've told me nothing about anything.
Now, you are going to tell me something about something.
All right.
You're wrinkling my radiation suit.
'Stage one, hallucinations.
' Majoy I need you.
I want you.
Make love to me now, and forever and ever.
And forever and ever.
Ooh.
I-29.
Anybody got I-29? Do I hear a bingo? Got I-29? Need I-29 for a bingo.
Come on, somebody's got to have it.
Doreau, what are you doing? Me Jane.
Who you? - You cute, you cute, cute, cute.
- Doreau Oh, cute.
Hammer? Hammer thank God you're normaI.
Trust me.
You know what you're doing.
- You talking to me? - That's right, amigo, I'm talking to you.
You talking to me? Read my lips.
Yeah, I'm talking to you.
- Well, I'm listening.
- Hammer, who are you talking to? I'm not talking, he is.
See his little muzzle move? - Don't point it at me.
- He can't shoot while he's talking.
I couldn't agree more.
Let me speak to Poltz now.
Poltz, this is Captain Trunk.
I got a room full of crazies here and I wanna know why.
Trust me.
It's nothing to worry about.
Poltz I am worried.
Is this something about Sirot? He's got some kind of disease that's infecting us, right? No, it's just an odd coincidence.
Just stay calm, relax.
It'll all be over in eight to ten hours.
It better be or I'll bust through your space goons and come after your hide.
That's not a good idea, Captain.
My men have orders to shoot to kill.
It's nothing personaI.
Sergeant, tell the men they'll be home in time for dinner.
Captain Trunk and the other civilians will all be deceased by 1800 hours.
Oh, Captain.
Oh, Captain, Captain, I feeI just terrible.
I just feeI like my whole body was hit with shrapneI.
Would you, like, give me a massage? 'And now, a speciaI bulletin.
' What's this? 'According to our sources, everybody inside the building 'has been contaminated by a deadly experimentaI nerve gas 'developed by the military for use in germ warfare.
'Unfortunately, there is no known antidote, 'which means that everybody inside will be dead within hours.
'But there is one bright note - thank God it's them and not us.
'Now back to Crazy Teddy the weatherman 'as he continues his five-part speciaI on clouds.
' It's just that Lisa Ellerblub.
What does that dumb chick know? She knows we're contaminated and we're gonna die.
Nobody's gonna tell me when I'm gonna die.
I'm gonna die when I'm good and gosh-darn ready.
- And boy, am I ever feeling ready.
- All right, come on! Come on, people! Let's not give up here.
Come on, the only thing can save us is us.
Come on, people, let's put our heads together and think of a way to save our lives.
Come on, Majoy.
Get up.
Doreau, come on, come on.
Captain, I just realised.
- What? - How come you're not sick? I don't know.
I mean, I feeI fine.
Why is that? Why am I immune? Maybe it doesn't affect captains or maybe there's a medicaI explanation.
A medicaI explanation.
Doc, let's go out to the lab and do some tests on me.
- I wanna know why I'm immune.
- He's not a reaI doctor.
He's gonna be working on me - what do you care? I don't care.
Hey, Daley we don't have much time, so, I wanna say something.
I've always had the hots for you.
Majoy, I'm not gonna make love with you if that's what you're asking.
Oh, come on, help me out.
I'm going through a mid-end life crisis.
I've got a headache.
Oh, brother! Can't you think of something more originaI? Well, excuse me for living, but I'm dying here, and that gives me a really bad headache, OK? You know what? I hope there's no men in heaven.
- No chance.
They're all in hell.
- Thank God! There's just one problem.
I don't think we're going to heaven.
Sledge, do you believe in the afterlife? I don't even believe in life.
Well, I just want you to know, that even though we're gonna die because of your stupidity, I forgive you.
You've been a great partner and a good friend, and I love you like a brother.
Come on, Doreau, this is no time to be sentimentaI.
This is a perfect time.
We're dying.
You're right.
In that case, I just wanna tell you that you are the best partner I ever had and I'm really gonna miss you almost as much as I'm gonna miss me.
Ditto.
Ditto, ditto, Doreau.
- That's really sweet, Hammer.
- No.
Doc, what did you find out? Your blood pressure is so high, your veins are gonna explode.
If you weren't so mad all the time, you could controI it.
I know I've got high blood pressure.
I take pills for it.
I forgot to take it this morning.
What's that got to do with? Are you? Oh, it can't be.
Are you trying to tell me that my high blood pressure makes me immune? How would I know? I'm not a reaI doctor.
What the hell, it's worth a try.
Listen up, everybody.
I think high blood pressure can cure this thing.
The only way to raise your pressure is to get mad.
So, let's everybody get angry, get mad.
Come on, get mad.
Come on, you.
Come on, get angry.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Hammer.
Hammer, I hate your guts.
Always have, always will.
So what? - So what?! - What you hitting me for? What you gonna do about it? You're a spineless wimp.
No, you're a woman.
- Hey, nobody calls me a woman.
- Oh, you're not a woman? Maybe a little girI with a pretty dress and pigtails? Wanna play hopscotch, little girI? - Those are fighting words.
- Yeah.
Doreau, I'm glad you're dying, because you're the stupidest cop I ever saw in my whole life.
- I'm smart.
- Ah, smart! You don't know a suspect from sushi, Doreau.
You know how many times I've wanted to bounce you from here to Fresno? You can't talk to me like that! I can talk to you any way I want to, Miss Bimbo.
Bimbo?! I am not a bimbo! Hammer, it worked.
Making people mad is the cure.
Come on, help me out here.
Make everybody mad.
You're good at that.
Yeah.
Captain, this is ridiculous.
Getting mad is supposed to make us well? Now, this is my kind of disease.
Captain, I congratulate you.
Because of your action, many lives were saved.
I'm recommending you for the CongressionaI MedaI of Honour, the highest award this country gives.
You go to Washington, meet the President.
- Now, what do you think? - What do I think? I think that you are stinking up my office, Mike, and I don't give a fat rat's batooty about any CongressionaI MedaI.
I want you out of my office in ten seconds, or I'll fill you so full of holes that your next job will be a chain link fence.
I hate to say this, sir, but I love you when you're mad.
- You two get out too.
Hurry up.
- I'm out.