Spin City s02e13 Episode Script
Same Time Next Year
FINALLY, THE MAYOR'S NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY TONIGHT NOW, YOU'RE NOT OBLIGATED TO GO, BUT ATTENDANCE IS MANDATORY.
AND WHAT SHOULD WE WEAR? IT'S A COSTUME THING.
COME AS BABY NEW YEAR.
STUART, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
THAT IS THE KIND OF PRACTICAL JOKE THAT HURTS ALL OF US.
O.
K.
, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ACTUALLY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD PLACE TO GET A CAT KILLED? UPPER EAST SIDE, CORNER OF 76th AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OUR FAMILY CAT IS LIKE 1,000 YEARS OLD.
MY MOM WANTS ME TO PUT IT TO SLEEP.
OH, STUART, THAT'S HARD.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THE LITTLE GUY'S NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF MY TRAPS.
I PUT HIS FOOD IN THE DRYER NOTHING.
NIKKI, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC? SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AROUND 9:00? I GOT A LIMOUSINE STOCKED WITH CHAMPAGNE.
MIKE, I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.
WE ALWAYS GO OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
I TURNED DOWN A DATE FOR YOU-- BETH FROM THE GYM.
SHE WOULD'VE SLEPT WITH ME.
YOU SAID THAT SHE WAS VAPID, TACKY AND BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC.
YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
SHE WOULD'VE SLEPT WITH ME.
I'M SORRY.
AS MUCH AS I LOVE BEING YOUR SAFETY DATE, I'M SEEING SOMEONE WHO'S PRETTY SPECIAL.
SPECIAL LIKE "GOOD FOR YOU" SPECIAL, OR SPECIAL LIKE "YOU HAVE TO CUT UP HIS MEAT" SPECIAL? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I AM DATING A NICE, CARING, WELL-ADJUSTED MAN? OH, NIKKI, THE VENTRILOQUIST, THE GUY WHO STOLE YOUR STEREO, THE GUY WHO WANTED HIS MOM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU? REMEMBER WALTER? HE TOOK ALL YOUR SHOES.
THAT WAS DISTURBING ON SO MANY LEVELS.
SO, EVERYBODY.
GREAT NEW YEAR'S EVE, HUH? OH, YEAH.
SWELL.
MAGICAL.
(SIGHS) LET'S JUST THIS IS RIDICULOUS, O.
K.
? I'M SURE EMBARRASSING STUFF HAPPENED, BUT WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT? O.
K.
, I QUIT.
ME TOO.
I'LL GO WITH YOU GUYS.
WE'LL START OUR OWN CITY.
LET'S START WITH ANYONE WHO WAS SOBER ENOUGH TO REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.
ANYONE--ANYONE AT ALL.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE CATERERS.
THERE WERE CATERERS? JUST FORGET NEW YEAR'S EVE EVER HAPPENED.
WE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT FOR AS LONG AS WE LIVE.
MIKE, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NEW YEAR'S EVE.
I LOVE NEW YEAR'S EVE (ALL MUMBLE) - DON'T YOU? - YEAH, SURE, PAULIE.
WHY NOT? IT'S A SYMBOLIC TIME, A SUBLIME CONVERGENCE OF PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU LIKE? NO, I JUST LIKE DOING THIS IN PEOPLE'S FACES.
OW! OW! OW! OW! DO YOU HAVE A RESOLUTION, MIKE? THIS YEAR, I'M GONNA TRY HARD TO STAY THE SAME MAGNIFICENT PERSON I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
SO YOUR RESOLUTION IS NOT TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.
AND I THINK I CAN DO IT.
I'D LIKE TO START THE EVENING OFF WITH A TOAST.
MIKE, NIKKI, WILL YOU FILL EVERYBODY UP, PLEASE? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WATCH HIM FOR ME, WILL YOU? - MM-HMM.
SO, JAY HMM? I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A GYNECOLOGIST.
IS THAT HOW YOU TWO MET? I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I DON'T THINK OF US AS MAYOR AND STAFF.
WE'RE A FAMILY.
EXCEPT FOR YOU.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU AGAIN, EXCEPT FOR YOU.
HERE'S TO THE HOLIDAYS.
SIR, OPEN UP YOUR HEART A BIT.
OH, WHAT THE HELL.
TO ALL OF US! All: HEAR, HEAR.
SAY WHEN.
AND WHEN! THANK YOU, SIR.
HAVE YOU SEEN STUART? YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK THE KITCHEN.
HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING ALL THE RUM OUT OF THE CAKE.
EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
I HAVE 2 ANNOUNCEMENTS.
MY CAT IS DEAD, THE CAKE IS GOOD.
STUART, YOUR CAT DIED? YEAH.
WHY, YOU NEED A HAT? AREN'T YOU UPSET? YEAH.
I HAVE A REAL EMPTY FEELING IN MY GLASS! HA-HA! WE NEED MORE BOOZE.
I THINK NEW YEAR'S EVE IS SO SEXY.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I WAS DRIVING OVER IN THE LIMO ALONE.
MIKE, YOU WEREN'T ALONE.
YOU HAD THE DRIVER.
HE HAD A DATE.
HE KEPT MAKING OUT AT ALL THE RED LIGHTS.
COME ON, JUST ADMIT IT.
NEW YEAR'S IS HOT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
EVERYBODY'S ALL DRESSED UP AND EVERYTHING.
CORKS POPPING BALLS DROPPING.
OF COURSE, ARBOR DAY WOULD BE SEXY IN THAT DRESS.
YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY SNAZZY IN THAT TUX.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M ALSO WEARING MY VERY SPECIAL BOXER SHORTS.
I COULD TELL BY THE WAY YOU WERE WALKING.
ARE WE FLIRTING? I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FLIRT? I USUALLY START OUT BY TALKING ABOUT MY UNDERWEAR.
AH, SUBTLE APPROACH.
HEY.
I'M SORRY.
AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? OH, NO.
WE TALK ALL DAY.
YEAH, SHE SAYS THAT, BUT YOU KNOW, SHE HANGS ON MY EVERY I'LL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.
STUART, WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GET MORE CHAMPAGNE, WE ASSUMED YOU MEANT FOR EVERYONE.
YOU KNOW WHEN I BROUGHT THAT CAT HOME, HE FIT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
I NAMED HIM PIGLET.
OH.
YOU GOT THAT FROM WINNIE THE POOH? NAH, I GOT IT FROM MY DAD'S NICKNAME FOR MY SISTER.
WELL, I'M SURE THAT DIDN'T GIVE HER ANY SELF-ESTEEM PROBLEMS.
SHE'S TOTALLY SCREWED-UP NOW, BUT SHE'S VERY THIN.
STUART? YOU SITTING DOWN HERE ALONE, DRINKING, THINKING ABOUT YOUR CAT IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU, I'D SAY YOU HAD FEELINGS.
WELL I DON'T.
YOU KNOW, A MAN CAN CRY AND STILL BE STRONG.
IS THAT WHAT THEY TEACH YOU IN GAY COLLEGE? LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I HAVE NEVER CRIED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, NOT EVEN WHEN I WAS A BABY.
STUART, STUART.
IT'S O.
K.
TO SHOW YOUR EMOTIONS.
NO, IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE REAL? LET YOURSELF FEEL SOMETHING! JUST STOP IT, O.
K.
? STUART PIGLET IS DEAD.
HE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU LOVED HIM! BUT HE IS GONE FOREVER.
IT HURTS SO MUCH! AW! I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
(WAILING) OH, LET IT ALL OUT.
LET IT OUT.
YES, YES.
LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WAIT, IT'S GONE.
OH, NO.
THERE IT IS.
WHY DON'T WE SHARE OUR RESOLUTIONS? WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY? THEN WE'LL JUST COME UP WITH RES-VOLUTIONS FOR EACH OTHER.
SO, BASICALLY WE'RE GONNA STAND AROUND AND POINT OUT EACH OTHER'S FAULTS? I THINK IT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA, SIR.
START WITH ME, PLEASE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME A MINUTE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
YOU TAKE YOUR TIME, SIR.
I KNOW IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND A CHINK IN THE LASSITER ARMOR.
STACE? WHAT SHOULD MINE BE? JAMES, I DON'T WANNA DO THIS.
I PROMISE, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, I WILL NOT GET MAD.
O.
K.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY, YOU KNOW, GOING TO THE GYM ONCE IN A WHILE.
YOU KNOW, PUT ON A LITTLE MUSCLE? THAT'S GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT.
YOU'RE SAYING I'M A WIMP? COME ON, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T GET MAD.
OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I DOUBT I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY A GRUDGE.
OH, I'VE GOT ONE, PAUL.
LAY IT ON ME, SIR.
YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE ME.
BE YOUR OWN MAN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALWAYS AGREE WITH ME.
IT'S BRILLIANT, SIR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(MAKES CHOKING SOUND) I--I BETTER GET BACK TO WORK.
SO I'LL JUST MAKE THAT CHECK OUT TO "ALL-SERVICE CATERING".
I CAN EXPLAIN.
JAY, PLEASE IF I MAY JUDGING BY YOUR CHARACTER, I THINK YOU KNOW HOW THIS GOES.
I TELL YOU THAT NIKKI IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU GIVE ME SOME LAME EXCUSE, AND THEN I KICK YOUR BUTT.
SEEING AS IT'S LATE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE PARTY, WHY DON'T WE JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE BUTT-KICKING PART? THEN AGAIN, WE ARE ADULTS AND I BELIEVE WE CAN SETTLE THIS WITH WORDS.
AND THIS FIREPLACE POKER.
HEY, COME ON, NOW.
FAIR FIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
PREPARE TO DUEL, O UNFAITHFUL ONE.
OUT, OUT, BEFORE I SMITE THEE! MIKE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT LAMP ATTACKED ME.
BE CAREFUL.
I THINK THAT ONE'S MAKING A MOVE.
HEY.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR SAFETY DATE, AND IT WOULD KILL ME IF I HAD TO BE HERE ALONE TONIGHT.
AND SO, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HUG.
YEAH, UH, NIKKI-- I ALSO WANTED TO ASK YOU, DO YOU KNOW WHERE JAY IS? A HUG FIRST.
THE CATERING GIRL? WAS SHE CUTE? I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT HER FACE.
JAY HAD MOST OF IT IN HIS MOUTH.
O.
K.
, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT HELPING.
STUART, WHY DON'T YOU COME AND JOIN US.
YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT PAINTING FOR AN HOUR.
I THINK I'M O.
K.
NOW.
PASS THE SCOTCH, PLEASE.
(SOBBING) PIGLET LOVED SCOTCH.
(CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT WATER? HUH, YOU WANT WATER? GET IT YOURSELF.
YOU GOT HANDS.
WHO'S TRYING TO PLEASE YOU NOW? HE WAS CHOKING, PAUL.
JUST GRAB THE CHAMPAGNE AND LET'S GO.
GEE, I HOPE I CAN MUSTER ENOUGH STRENGTH TO GET BACK UP THE STAIRS.
JAMES, LOOK.
I'M SORRY I SAID ANYTHING! O.
K.
? YOU'RE THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD! YOUR BICEPS ARE HUGE.
YOU'RE MAKING ME WOOZY! RIGHT HERE, HUH? YOU AND ME.
LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.
JAMES, YOU'RE DRUNK.
I'VE ONLY HAD YEAH, I KNOW.
I MADE A MISTAKE SAYING WHAT I SAID, O.
K.
? AND YOU MADE A MISTAKE OVERREACTING.
SO, PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, JUST END IT.
O.
K.
? I THINK I CAN TAKE YOU.
OH, DON'T TEMPT ME! WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH? YOU'RE CHICKEN? FIRST ONE'S FREE, JUNIOR.
WHAT'S THE SECOND ONE GONNA COST ME? I DON'T KNOW.
AAH! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? YOU'RE LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER.
NOT YOUR GRANDMOTHER, JAMES.
WHAT'S MY NAME? UNCLE? YOUR NAME'S UNCLE! UNCLE.
YEAH.
RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S ONLY A WARNING.
I'M GOING HOME.
YOU SHOULD STAY HERE WITH FRIENDS.
DON'T WORRY.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD SYSTEM FOR DEALING WITH THIS.
IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
I'M GONNA NEED THESE.
JUST--JUST LET ME SNEAK OUT OF HERE.
SHH! UH--UH ALL RIGHT.
YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, NIKKI'S GOING HOME.
NO, NO, NO! NIKKI, SIT DOWN! IT'S NEW YEAR'S.
BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE? HE LEFT.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
LOSER.
I NEVER LIKED HIM.
ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA CALL AND SEE IF WE MIGHT WORK IT OUT.
LOVE THAT GUY.
HANDSOME.
HE'S A KEEPER.
SO, WHY'D HE LEAVE? MIKE CHASED HIM OUT WITH A HOT POKER.
MIKE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
MIKE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
WHOA.
YOU HAVE NO REASON TO GET ANGRY AT ME.
I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HOOKED UP WITH THE CATERING GIRL IN THE LIBRARY.
OH! WELL.
(SOBBING) OH, YOU LOVE THIS, DON'T YOU? WELL, IT'S NO WEEKEND ON FIRE ISLAND, BUT, UH-- IT'S NOT BAD.
AH, THIS IS GREAT FOR ME.
I'M A HUMAN FOUNTAIN! THIS WILL HELP ME TOMORROW WHEN I'M NEGOTIATING WITH THE TEAMSTERS.
OH, STUART, I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
OH, WHY? BECAUSE YOU TORTURED ME AND BROKE ME DOWN UNTIL YOU TURNED ME INTO A SISSY? GIVE ME TISSUE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
STUART, I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET OVER THIS.
JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS.
BUNNY RABBITS, PUPPIES, KITTENS.
(SOBBING) KITTENS? FORGET KITTENS.
FORGET KITTENS.
YOU SUCK AT THIS.
(GROANS) AH, I KNOW.
JUST--JUST THINK OF OF BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE TO ME! (GASPS) TO PAUL.
(CHUCKLING) IT STOPPED.
MMM? OH, TEARS OF JOY! HEY.
I FIRED THE CATERING GIRL.
CANNOLI? (SCOFFS) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHY I INSIST ON BEING ATTRACTED TO FREAKS AND LOSERS? AHH IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, MY DAD USED TO TELL ME I WAS GONNA BE A HEARTBREAKER.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN.
YOU'RE SMART, YOU'RE FUNNY AND I'M SURE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO TELL YOU THIS, YOU'RE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS.
AND I'M SURE YOUR DREAM GUY IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
RIGHT NOW.
PROBABLY ROBBING A CONVENIENCE STORE.
WATCH IT.
I'M STILL MAD AT YOU.
I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
I CAN'T STAND BY AND WATCH YOU GET HURT.
AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
AND I THINK YOU FORGIVE ME FOR IT.
BULL'S-EYE! YOU KNOW, YOU SIMPLY MUST TRY THE MOUSSE! (SCREAMING, CACKLING) AH! OH! I SPENT 70 BUCKS ON THIS DO, BUSTER.
YOU ARE SO DEAD.
(SCREAMING) ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
(CACKLING) (LAUGHING, GASPING) MMM.
(LAUGHING) THAT MOUSSE DOES TASTE PRETTY GOOD! (NIKKI GIGGLING) OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT--WHAT THE HELL I JUST DID.
I MEAN IT.
I'M TIPSY AND--AND YOU'RE VULNERABLE.
(SIGHS) OH, GOD! OH, GOD.
(GRUNTING) OH, NIKKI.
OH, MIKE! I KNOW, I KNOW! NIKKI! MIKE.
(GRUNTS) TONGS.
OUCH.
MY FAVORITE PART OF NEW YEAR'S, WATCHING THE BALL DROOP.
PAUL! TURN ON THE TV.
DO IT YOURSELF! - SIR.
- IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
TIME FOR ONE OF MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE TRADITIONS.
EVERYBODY THROW YOUR GLASSES INTO THE FIREPLACE.
TO TRADITION.
(REVELERS) HAPPY NEW YEAR! (CHEERING) YOU DON'T THINK THEY'D COME IN HERE, DO YOU? I DON'T THINK SO.
DO YOU? I TAKE IT THAT'S A "YES".
(CHEERING) WHAT-- YOU GUYS OUGHTA TRY THE DESSERTS.
THEY KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET.
CAN I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE FOR JUST A MINUTE? CARTER? YEAH.
UH WHAT HAPPENED NEW YEAR'S EVE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE OF GUY THAT WOULD EVER USE THAT AGAINST ME.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND IT JUST MAKES ME WANNA CRY AND CRY.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA GO ON? MMM, UNTIL YOU LEARN TO BECOME A SENSITIVE AND CARING HUMAN BEING.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU I'M HALFWAY THERE ALREADY, BUDDY.
WE UH WE NEED TO TALK.
IF THOSE PEOPLE HADN'T COME IN WHEN THEY DID LAST NIGHT BUT THEY DID.
AND WE DIDN'T.
RIGHT.
SO IT'S JUST A TINY MISTAKE.
NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S AMAZING WHAT 30 OR 40 GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE WILL DO TO SOMEONE.
(CHUCKLES) AND TODAY'S TODAY, AND LAST NIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT? THAT--THAT WAS LAST YEAR.
ANCIENT HISTORY.
ABSOLUTELY.
SO, WHY AREN'T YOU LEAVING? WHY AREN'T YOU LEAVING? IT'S MY OFFICE.
AND I WAS WONDERING IF ONE OF US WAS GONNA SAY "BUT".
YOU MEAN LIKE "BUT WHAT IF WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER?" I WAS THINKING "BUT WHAT IF THE SEX WAS SO GOOD WE WERE PAID TO TRAVEL AND DEMONSTRATE IT TO OTHERS?" BUT YOURS WORKS.
COME HERE FOR A SECOND.
SHOULD I LOCK THE DOOR? MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT IF YOU GET REALLY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER AND YOU DON'T FEEL CHEMISTRY, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP ON.
AT LEAST THAT WAY, WE WON'T HAVE TO WONDER.
ALL RIGHT.
WE COULD DO THAT.
A LITTLE CLOSER.
WHEW.
THIS IS REALLY CLOSE.
NO TALKING.
YOU O.
K.
? YEAH ARE YOU? YEAH.
YEAH.
OH, WELL.
HA-HA.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
(EXHALES) HUH! SEE YOU LATER.
OOP! AH! (MAN GRUNTING) (MAN ON PHONE) WHAT IS THAT NOISE? OH, THAT NOISE? YEAH, JUST SOME GUY IN MY OFFICE.
AAHHH! - ALL RIGHT.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK AND SEE IF I'M FREE.
- O.
K.
AAHHH! AAHHH! - YEAH, YEAH.
I'M FREE.
- GREAT.
O.
K.
BYE-BYE.
AAHHH! JAMES, I REALLY HAVE STUFF TO DO.
CAN WE JUST CALL IT A DRAW? O.
K.
? ALL RIGHT.
I WIN.
Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) MOO.
AND WHAT SHOULD WE WEAR? IT'S A COSTUME THING.
COME AS BABY NEW YEAR.
STUART, WE TALKED ABOUT THIS.
THAT IS THE KIND OF PRACTICAL JOKE THAT HURTS ALL OF US.
O.
K.
, IF THERE'S NOTHING ELSE ACTUALLY, DOES ANYBODY KNOW A GOOD PLACE TO GET A CAT KILLED? UPPER EAST SIDE, CORNER OF 76th AND WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? OUR FAMILY CAT IS LIKE 1,000 YEARS OLD.
MY MOM WANTS ME TO PUT IT TO SLEEP.
OH, STUART, THAT'S HARD.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
THE LITTLE GUY'S NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF MY TRAPS.
I PUT HIS FOOD IN THE DRYER NOTHING.
NIKKI, CAN I TALK TO YOU FOR A SEC? SO I'LL PICK YOU UP AROUND 9:00? I GOT A LIMOUSINE STOCKED WITH CHAMPAGNE.
MIKE, I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.
WE ALWAYS GO OUT ON NEW YEAR'S EVE.
I TURNED DOWN A DATE FOR YOU-- BETH FROM THE GYM.
SHE WOULD'VE SLEPT WITH ME.
YOU SAID THAT SHE WAS VAPID, TACKY AND BORDERLINE PSYCHOTIC.
YOU'RE MISSING THE POINT.
SHE WOULD'VE SLEPT WITH ME.
I'M SORRY.
AS MUCH AS I LOVE BEING YOUR SAFETY DATE, I'M SEEING SOMEONE WHO'S PRETTY SPECIAL.
SPECIAL LIKE "GOOD FOR YOU" SPECIAL, OR SPECIAL LIKE "YOU HAVE TO CUT UP HIS MEAT" SPECIAL? WHY IS IT SO HARD TO BELIEVE THAT I AM DATING A NICE, CARING, WELL-ADJUSTED MAN? OH, NIKKI, THE VENTRILOQUIST, THE GUY WHO STOLE YOUR STEREO, THE GUY WHO WANTED HIS MOM TO MOVE IN WITH YOU? REMEMBER WALTER? HE TOOK ALL YOUR SHOES.
THAT WAS DISTURBING ON SO MANY LEVELS.
SO, EVERYBODY.
GREAT NEW YEAR'S EVE, HUH? OH, YEAH.
SWELL.
MAGICAL.
(SIGHS) LET'S JUST THIS IS RIDICULOUS, O.
K.
? I'M SURE EMBARRASSING STUFF HAPPENED, BUT WHY DON'T WE SIT DOWN AND TALK ABOUT IT? O.
K.
, I QUIT.
ME TOO.
I'LL GO WITH YOU GUYS.
WE'LL START OUR OWN CITY.
LET'S START WITH ANYONE WHO WAS SOBER ENOUGH TO REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT HAPPENED.
ANYONE--ANYONE AT ALL.
MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL THE CATERERS.
THERE WERE CATERERS? JUST FORGET NEW YEAR'S EVE EVER HAPPENED.
WE WON'T TALK ABOUT IT FOR AS LONG AS WE LIVE.
MIKE, WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT NEW YEAR'S EVE.
I LOVE NEW YEAR'S EVE (ALL MUMBLE) - DON'T YOU? - YEAH, SURE, PAULIE.
WHY NOT? IT'S A SYMBOLIC TIME, A SUBLIME CONVERGENCE OF PAST, PRESENT AND FUTURE.
ISN'T THAT WHAT YOU LIKE? NO, I JUST LIKE DOING THIS IN PEOPLE'S FACES.
OW! OW! OW! OW! DO YOU HAVE A RESOLUTION, MIKE? THIS YEAR, I'M GONNA TRY HARD TO STAY THE SAME MAGNIFICENT PERSON I'VE ALWAYS BEEN.
SO YOUR RESOLUTION IS NOT TO CHANGE ANYTHING ABOUT YOURSELF.
AND I THINK I CAN DO IT.
I'D LIKE TO START THE EVENING OFF WITH A TOAST.
MIKE, NIKKI, WILL YOU FILL EVERYBODY UP, PLEASE? I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
- WATCH HIM FOR ME, WILL YOU? - MM-HMM.
SO, JAY HMM? I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE A GYNECOLOGIST.
IS THAT HOW YOU TWO MET? I JUST WANT YOU ALL TO KNOW THAT I DON'T THINK OF US AS MAYOR AND STAFF.
WE'RE A FAMILY.
EXCEPT FOR YOU.
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE IN MY LIFE.
I LOVE EVERY ONE OF YOU AGAIN, EXCEPT FOR YOU.
HERE'S TO THE HOLIDAYS.
SIR, OPEN UP YOUR HEART A BIT.
OH, WHAT THE HELL.
TO ALL OF US! All: HEAR, HEAR.
SAY WHEN.
AND WHEN! THANK YOU, SIR.
HAVE YOU SEEN STUART? YOU MIGHT WANNA CHECK THE KITCHEN.
HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT SUCKING ALL THE RUM OUT OF THE CAKE.
EXCUSE ME, EVERYONE.
I HAVE 2 ANNOUNCEMENTS.
MY CAT IS DEAD, THE CAKE IS GOOD.
STUART, YOUR CAT DIED? YEAH.
WHY, YOU NEED A HAT? AREN'T YOU UPSET? YEAH.
I HAVE A REAL EMPTY FEELING IN MY GLASS! HA-HA! WE NEED MORE BOOZE.
I THINK NEW YEAR'S EVE IS SO SEXY.
OH, YEAH, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I WAS THINKING WHEN I WAS DRIVING OVER IN THE LIMO ALONE.
MIKE, YOU WEREN'T ALONE.
YOU HAD THE DRIVER.
HE HAD A DATE.
HE KEPT MAKING OUT AT ALL THE RED LIGHTS.
COME ON, JUST ADMIT IT.
NEW YEAR'S IS HOT.
YEAH, I GUESS SO.
EVERYBODY'S ALL DRESSED UP AND EVERYTHING.
CORKS POPPING BALLS DROPPING.
OF COURSE, ARBOR DAY WOULD BE SEXY IN THAT DRESS.
YOU'RE LOOKING PRETTY SNAZZY IN THAT TUX.
I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M ALSO WEARING MY VERY SPECIAL BOXER SHORTS.
I COULD TELL BY THE WAY YOU WERE WALKING.
ARE WE FLIRTING? I DON'T KNOW.
WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOU FLIRT? I USUALLY START OUT BY TALKING ABOUT MY UNDERWEAR.
AH, SUBTLE APPROACH.
HEY.
I'M SORRY.
AM I INTERRUPTING SOMETHING? OH, NO.
WE TALK ALL DAY.
YEAH, SHE SAYS THAT, BUT YOU KNOW, SHE HANGS ON MY EVERY I'LL TALK TO YOU GUYS LATER.
STUART, WHEN YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO GET MORE CHAMPAGNE, WE ASSUMED YOU MEANT FOR EVERYONE.
YOU KNOW WHEN I BROUGHT THAT CAT HOME, HE FIT IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
I NAMED HIM PIGLET.
OH.
YOU GOT THAT FROM WINNIE THE POOH? NAH, I GOT IT FROM MY DAD'S NICKNAME FOR MY SISTER.
WELL, I'M SURE THAT DIDN'T GIVE HER ANY SELF-ESTEEM PROBLEMS.
SHE'S TOTALLY SCREWED-UP NOW, BUT SHE'S VERY THIN.
STUART? YOU SITTING DOWN HERE ALONE, DRINKING, THINKING ABOUT YOUR CAT IF I DIDN'T KNOW YOU, I'D SAY YOU HAD FEELINGS.
WELL I DON'T.
YOU KNOW, A MAN CAN CRY AND STILL BE STRONG.
IS THAT WHAT THEY TEACH YOU IN GAY COLLEGE? LOOK, I'M SORRY, BUT I HAVE NEVER CRIED IN MY ENTIRE LIFE, NOT EVEN WHEN I WAS A BABY.
STUART, STUART.
IT'S O.
K.
TO SHOW YOUR EMOTIONS.
NO, IT'S A SIGN OF WEAKNESS.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, WILL YOU FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE BE REAL? LET YOURSELF FEEL SOMETHING! JUST STOP IT, O.
K.
? STUART PIGLET IS DEAD.
HE WAS YOUR BEST FRIEND AND YOU LOVED HIM! BUT HE IS GONE FOREVER.
IT HURTS SO MUCH! AW! I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW, I KNOW.
(WAILING) OH, LET IT ALL OUT.
LET IT OUT.
YES, YES.
LISTEN UP, EVERYBODY.
I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL IDEA.
WAIT, IT'S GONE.
OH, NO.
THERE IT IS.
WHY DON'T WE SHARE OUR RESOLUTIONS? WHAT IF WE DON'T HAVE ANY? THEN WE'LL JUST COME UP WITH RES-VOLUTIONS FOR EACH OTHER.
SO, BASICALLY WE'RE GONNA STAND AROUND AND POINT OUT EACH OTHER'S FAULTS? I THINK IT IS A WONDERFUL IDEA, SIR.
START WITH ME, PLEASE.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO GIVE ME A MINUTE TO COME UP WITH SOMETHING.
YOU TAKE YOUR TIME, SIR.
I KNOW IT'S VERY DIFFICULT TO FIND A CHINK IN THE LASSITER ARMOR.
STACE? WHAT SHOULD MINE BE? JAMES, I DON'T WANNA DO THIS.
I PROMISE, NO MATTER WHAT YOU SAY, I WILL NOT GET MAD.
O.
K.
MAYBE YOU SHOULD TRY, YOU KNOW, GOING TO THE GYM ONCE IN A WHILE.
YOU KNOW, PUT ON A LITTLE MUSCLE? THAT'S GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT.
GREAT, GREAT.
YOU'RE SAYING I'M A WIMP? COME ON, YOU SAID YOU WOULDN'T GET MAD.
OH, I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
I DOUBT I'M STRONG ENOUGH TO CARRY A GRUDGE.
OH, I'VE GOT ONE, PAUL.
LAY IT ON ME, SIR.
YOU'RE ALWAYS TRYING TO PLEASE ME.
BE YOUR OWN MAN! YOU DON'T HAVE TO ALWAYS AGREE WITH ME.
IT'S BRILLIANT, SIR.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
(MAKES CHOKING SOUND) I--I BETTER GET BACK TO WORK.
SO I'LL JUST MAKE THAT CHECK OUT TO "ALL-SERVICE CATERING".
I CAN EXPLAIN.
JAY, PLEASE IF I MAY JUDGING BY YOUR CHARACTER, I THINK YOU KNOW HOW THIS GOES.
I TELL YOU THAT NIKKI IS A FRIEND OF MINE.
YOU GIVE ME SOME LAME EXCUSE, AND THEN I KICK YOUR BUTT.
SEEING AS IT'S LATE AND I WOULD LIKE TO GET BACK TO THE PARTY, WHY DON'T WE JUST GET STRAIGHT TO THE BUTT-KICKING PART? THEN AGAIN, WE ARE ADULTS AND I BELIEVE WE CAN SETTLE THIS WITH WORDS.
AND THIS FIREPLACE POKER.
HEY, COME ON, NOW.
FAIR FIGHT.
HERE YOU GO.
PREPARE TO DUEL, O UNFAITHFUL ONE.
OUT, OUT, BEFORE I SMITE THEE! MIKE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THAT LAMP ATTACKED ME.
BE CAREFUL.
I THINK THAT ONE'S MAKING A MOVE.
HEY.
I WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO BE YOUR SAFETY DATE, AND IT WOULD KILL ME IF I HAD TO BE HERE ALONE TONIGHT.
AND SO, I WANTED TO GIVE YOU A HUG.
YEAH, UH, NIKKI-- I ALSO WANTED TO ASK YOU, DO YOU KNOW WHERE JAY IS? A HUG FIRST.
THE CATERING GIRL? WAS SHE CUTE? I DON'T KNOW.
I DIDN'T GET A GOOD LOOK AT HER FACE.
JAY HAD MOST OF IT IN HIS MOUTH.
O.
K.
, THAT'S PROBABLY NOT HELPING.
STUART, WHY DON'T YOU COME AND JOIN US.
YOU'VE BEEN STARING AT THAT PAINTING FOR AN HOUR.
I THINK I'M O.
K.
NOW.
PASS THE SCOTCH, PLEASE.
(SOBBING) PIGLET LOVED SCOTCH.
(CLEARS THROAT) (CLEARS THROAT) WHAT DO YOU WANT? YOU WANT WATER? HUH, YOU WANT WATER? GET IT YOURSELF.
YOU GOT HANDS.
WHO'S TRYING TO PLEASE YOU NOW? HE WAS CHOKING, PAUL.
JUST GRAB THE CHAMPAGNE AND LET'S GO.
GEE, I HOPE I CAN MUSTER ENOUGH STRENGTH TO GET BACK UP THE STAIRS.
JAMES, LOOK.
I'M SORRY I SAID ANYTHING! O.
K.
? YOU'RE THE STRONGEST MAN IN THE WORLD! YOUR BICEPS ARE HUGE.
YOU'RE MAKING ME WOOZY! RIGHT HERE, HUH? YOU AND ME.
LET'S SETTLE THIS LIKE MEN.
JAMES, YOU'RE DRUNK.
I'VE ONLY HAD YEAH, I KNOW.
I MADE A MISTAKE SAYING WHAT I SAID, O.
K.
? AND YOU MADE A MISTAKE OVERREACTING.
SO, PLEASE, FOR THE SAKE OF OUR FRIENDSHIP, JUST END IT.
O.
K.
? I THINK I CAN TAKE YOU.
OH, DON'T TEMPT ME! WHAT'S THE MATTER, HUH? YOU'RE CHICKEN? FIRST ONE'S FREE, JUNIOR.
WHAT'S THE SECOND ONE GONNA COST ME? I DON'T KNOW.
AAH! IS THAT ALL YOU GOT? YOU'RE LIKE MY GRANDMOTHER.
NOT YOUR GRANDMOTHER, JAMES.
WHAT'S MY NAME? UNCLE? YOUR NAME'S UNCLE! UNCLE.
YEAH.
RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S ONLY A WARNING.
I'M GOING HOME.
YOU SHOULD STAY HERE WITH FRIENDS.
DON'T WORRY.
I HAVE A VERY GOOD SYSTEM FOR DEALING WITH THIS.
IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
I'M GONNA NEED THESE.
JUST--JUST LET ME SNEAK OUT OF HERE.
SHH! UH--UH ALL RIGHT.
YOU DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO.
HEY, EVERYBODY, NIKKI'S GOING HOME.
NO, NO, NO! NIKKI, SIT DOWN! IT'S NEW YEAR'S.
BESIDES, WHAT ABOUT YOUR DATE? HE LEFT.
GOOD RIDDANCE.
LOSER.
I NEVER LIKED HIM.
ACTUALLY, I WAS GONNA CALL AND SEE IF WE MIGHT WORK IT OUT.
LOVE THAT GUY.
HANDSOME.
HE'S A KEEPER.
SO, WHY'D HE LEAVE? MIKE CHASED HIM OUT WITH A HOT POKER.
MIKE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT.
MIKE SHOULDN'T HAVE DONE THAT.
WHOA.
YOU HAVE NO REASON TO GET ANGRY AT ME.
I AM NOT THE ONE WHO HOOKED UP WITH THE CATERING GIRL IN THE LIBRARY.
OH! WELL.
(SOBBING) OH, YOU LOVE THIS, DON'T YOU? WELL, IT'S NO WEEKEND ON FIRE ISLAND, BUT, UH-- IT'S NOT BAD.
AH, THIS IS GREAT FOR ME.
I'M A HUMAN FOUNTAIN! THIS WILL HELP ME TOMORROW WHEN I'M NEGOTIATING WITH THE TEAMSTERS.
OH, STUART, I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
OH, WHY? BECAUSE YOU TORTURED ME AND BROKE ME DOWN UNTIL YOU TURNED ME INTO A SISSY? GIVE ME TISSUE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
STUART, I'M GONNA HELP YOU GET OVER THIS.
JUST THINK OF HAPPY THINGS.
BUNNY RABBITS, PUPPIES, KITTENS.
(SOBBING) KITTENS? FORGET KITTENS.
FORGET KITTENS.
YOU SUCK AT THIS.
(GROANS) AH, I KNOW.
JUST--JUST THINK OF OF BAD THINGS HAPPENING TO OTHER PEOPLE TO ME! (GASPS) TO PAUL.
(CHUCKLING) IT STOPPED.
MMM? OH, TEARS OF JOY! HEY.
I FIRED THE CATERING GIRL.
CANNOLI? (SCOFFS) WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? WILL YOU PLEASE HELP ME FIGURE OUT WHY I INSIST ON BEING ATTRACTED TO FREAKS AND LOSERS? AHH IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN THIS YEAR.
YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A LITTLE GIRL, MY DAD USED TO TELL ME I WAS GONNA BE A HEARTBREAKER.
YOU ARE AN AMAZING WOMAN.
YOU'RE SMART, YOU'RE FUNNY AND I'M SURE I'M NOT THE FIRST PERSON TO TELL YOU THIS, YOU'RE DROP-DEAD GORGEOUS.
AND I'M SURE YOUR DREAM GUY IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
RIGHT NOW.
PROBABLY ROBBING A CONVENIENCE STORE.
WATCH IT.
I'M STILL MAD AT YOU.
I CAN'T HELP MYSELF.
I CAN'T STAND BY AND WATCH YOU GET HURT.
AND I THINK YOU KNOW THAT.
AND I THINK YOU FORGIVE ME FOR IT.
BULL'S-EYE! YOU KNOW, YOU SIMPLY MUST TRY THE MOUSSE! (SCREAMING, CACKLING) AH! OH! I SPENT 70 BUCKS ON THIS DO, BUSTER.
YOU ARE SO DEAD.
(SCREAMING) ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT.
(CACKLING) (LAUGHING, GASPING) MMM.
(LAUGHING) THAT MOUSSE DOES TASTE PRETTY GOOD! (NIKKI GIGGLING) OH, I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT--WHAT THE HELL I JUST DID.
I MEAN IT.
I'M TIPSY AND--AND YOU'RE VULNERABLE.
(SIGHS) OH, GOD! OH, GOD.
(GRUNTING) OH, NIKKI.
OH, MIKE! I KNOW, I KNOW! NIKKI! MIKE.
(GRUNTS) TONGS.
OUCH.
MY FAVORITE PART OF NEW YEAR'S, WATCHING THE BALL DROOP.
PAUL! TURN ON THE TV.
DO IT YOURSELF! - SIR.
- IT'S ALMOST MIDNIGHT.
TIME FOR ONE OF MY FAMILY'S FAVORITE TRADITIONS.
EVERYBODY THROW YOUR GLASSES INTO THE FIREPLACE.
TO TRADITION.
(REVELERS) HAPPY NEW YEAR! (CHEERING) YOU DON'T THINK THEY'D COME IN HERE, DO YOU? I DON'T THINK SO.
DO YOU? I TAKE IT THAT'S A "YES".
(CHEERING) WHAT-- YOU GUYS OUGHTA TRY THE DESSERTS.
THEY KNOCK YOU OFF YOUR FEET.
CAN I SEE YOU IN MY OFFICE FOR JUST A MINUTE? CARTER? YEAH.
UH WHAT HAPPENED NEW YEAR'S EVE I KNOW YOU'RE NOT THE TYPE OF GUY THAT WOULD EVER USE THAT AGAINST ME.
OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
AND IT JUST MAKES ME WANNA CRY AND CRY.
ALL RIGHT.
HOW LONG IS THIS GONNA GO ON? MMM, UNTIL YOU LEARN TO BECOME A SENSITIVE AND CARING HUMAN BEING.
WELL, THANKS TO YOU I'M HALFWAY THERE ALREADY, BUDDY.
WE UH WE NEED TO TALK.
IF THOSE PEOPLE HADN'T COME IN WHEN THEY DID LAST NIGHT BUT THEY DID.
AND WE DIDN'T.
RIGHT.
SO IT'S JUST A TINY MISTAKE.
NO BIG DEAL.
IT'S AMAZING WHAT 30 OR 40 GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE WILL DO TO SOMEONE.
(CHUCKLES) AND TODAY'S TODAY, AND LAST NIGHT WAS LAST NIGHT? THAT--THAT WAS LAST YEAR.
ANCIENT HISTORY.
ABSOLUTELY.
SO, WHY AREN'T YOU LEAVING? WHY AREN'T YOU LEAVING? IT'S MY OFFICE.
AND I WAS WONDERING IF ONE OF US WAS GONNA SAY "BUT".
YOU MEAN LIKE "BUT WHAT IF WE'RE PERFECT FOR EACH OTHER?" I WAS THINKING "BUT WHAT IF THE SEX WAS SO GOOD WE WERE PAID TO TRAVEL AND DEMONSTRATE IT TO OTHERS?" BUT YOURS WORKS.
COME HERE FOR A SECOND.
SHOULD I LOCK THE DOOR? MY THERAPIST SAYS THAT IF YOU GET REALLY CLOSE TO EACH OTHER AND YOU DON'T FEEL CHEMISTRY, THEN YOU DON'T HAVE ENOUGH TO BUILD A RELATIONSHIP ON.
AT LEAST THAT WAY, WE WON'T HAVE TO WONDER.
ALL RIGHT.
WE COULD DO THAT.
A LITTLE CLOSER.
WHEW.
THIS IS REALLY CLOSE.
NO TALKING.
YOU O.
K.
? YEAH ARE YOU? YEAH.
YEAH.
OH, WELL.
HA-HA.
WELL, IT WAS WORTH A SHOT.
(EXHALES) HUH! SEE YOU LATER.
OOP! AH! (MAN GRUNTING) (MAN ON PHONE) WHAT IS THAT NOISE? OH, THAT NOISE? YEAH, JUST SOME GUY IN MY OFFICE.
AAHHH! - ALL RIGHT.
I'LL HAVE TO CHECK AND SEE IF I'M FREE.
- O.
K.
AAHHH! AAHHH! - YEAH, YEAH.
I'M FREE.
- GREAT.
O.
K.
BYE-BYE.
AAHHH! JAMES, I REALLY HAVE STUFF TO DO.
CAN WE JUST CALL IT A DRAW? O.
K.
? ALL RIGHT.
I WIN.
Man: SIT, UBU, SIT.
GOOD DOG.
(BARKING) MOO.