Splitting Up Together (US) (2018) s02e13 Episode Script

1 [PANTING.]
Oh, wow! Oh, burning.
My legs are burning.
But you know what? I am [PANTING.]
I am totally loving these morning runs.
You know? - They're invigorating.
- Yeah.
I've been loving it.
And - hurts.
- [COAT UNZIPS.]
- I have a stitch.
Yeah.
Yeah.
- Yeah.
- It hurts so much.
- Yeah, that's a talker's cramp right there.
See, runners don't usually gab the whole time.
- Okay.
Yes, please.
- Water? [BREATHLESS.]
You You don't know Martin, I'm sorry.
I do I have one more thing that I want to say, though.
So, you know, things between us have been great, lately.
Really great.
I feel like our relationship has evolved and we're we're, like, looking out for each other in ways that we didn't used to.
- Here.
Mm-hmm.
- Oh, yeah.
Thank you.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
- [SIGHS.]
- Ooh.
That lemon surprised me.
That was a nice touch.
- [CHUCKLES.]
- [GLASS THUDS.]
So [EXHALES SHARPLY.]
at this juncture, I feel - compelled, really, to advise, - that I am experiencing feelings for you.
Well, thank you for advising.
You're welcome.
- [EXHALING.]
Oh, God, that's good lemon.
- Yeah.
It was really good.
So, um [CLICKS TONGUE.]
I wanted to put you on notice, because you know, before when you asked me if I was having feelings, I denied it.
So I hereby reverse that position and I am confirming that feelings are increasingly present.
Understood and noted.
Well, I just want to say, you know, if feelings aren't welcome, I can totally just, you know I don't know bury 'em.
- Really? - Yeah.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Where would you bury them? Josh's tank? - Josh! - What's wrong? [GASPS.]
Josh is a woman? I think so.
Man, I didn't even know Josh was dating.
He must have gotten knocked-up when you set him free Oh, my gosh.
Look, Josh is gonna have three babies.
Just like us.
Keep giving me hope for a better day Keep giving me love to find a way Through this heaviness I feel, I just need - Someone to say everything's okay Everything's okay He didn't even respond.
I literally have no idea how he's feeling.
He's probably waiting for you to be a little more specific as to what it is you want.
Probably a little gun-shy after all the mixed messages.
What mixed messages? I told him I needed time to figure it out, and I figured it out.
I wanna work on things, if he does.
Cool.
Cool? I mean, it doesn't sound very romantic.
"I wanna work on things, if you do"? Sounds like you're gonna hang drywall together.
Oh, come on After all this time, Martin may require a more impassioned plea.
Frankly, I think he deserves it.
We're very good at dissecting each other's relationships.
- You ever notice that? - Oh I have a PhD in what's wrong with you.
And when it comes to the unified theory of your problems, I'm like Stephen Hawking.
And don't even get me started on your sister.
By the way, is she gonna let us take her on a babymoon or not? So? How were they? Were they great? Uh, they're "The Verve Pipe.
" Answer's always yes.
"Play 'The Freshmen!'" "We're going to!" [LAUGHS.]
Love those guys.
[LAUGHS.]
Yeah.
I was kind of wondering if maybe we could do something together.
You know, before the baby comes? I have a karate tournament this Sunday, in Azusa.
I guess we could make a weekend out of it.
Bus ride up there's pretty sweet Oh, I don't know if a long, bumpy bus ride followed by hours of sitting on hard bleachers is really the best thing for me.
Suit yourself.
Oh! [LAUGHS.]
I think the baby just elbowed me.
- [LAUGHS.]
Gene! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Do you wanna - [DOOR CLOSES.]
feel? - - [CELLPHONE VIBRATES.]
Okay, Maya, it's decided.
We're kidnapping you.
One last hurrah.
Unless you already have plans with Mean Gene.
I could probably move some things around.
- Come on! - Don't you have some "bucket list" trip that you've always wanted to take? Okay, don't laugh.
I've always wanted to steal Dad's Mustang, you know, and go a "Thelma & Louise" kind of road trip.
What does what does that mean? You wanna kill someone? Not necessarily.
But a couple of girls out on the open road.
We could stay at a dusty motel and hit up a cowboy bar and maybe get in some minor trouble with the law [MAYA LAUGHS.]
Never mind.
That's stupid.
- - [HORN HONKS.]
Ahh, ha ha! Oh, my God! Dad is gonna murder Hey, what the hell, Lena? Oh, come on! What, you think I'm Thelma? You're Thelma.
You are the most Thelma person I know.
No.
This is my babymoon.
No way am I Thelma.
Well, surely you ladies don't think that I'm Thelma.
You two really suck.
- [ENGINE STARTS.]
- Whoo! I'm telling you, dude.
That makeup sex has been majestic - Can I bounce? - Bounce.
when you mix in those levels of anger, relief, codependency, and sheer horniness it's like "Fifty Shades of Grey" meets "The Shape of Water" meets that one part in "A Star Is Born" where Lady Gaga is like, "Ahhh-ahhhh-ahhhh-ahhh-yah.
" - That was terrible.
- Anyway, how was Valentine's with you and Lena? She wants to get back together.
Seriously? She said that? What'd you say? Not much.
Kinda let her twist in the wind.
Boooo! What, I can't just cave right away, right? - No.
- Gotta make her work for it.
No, no, no, no, I don't like that, man.
That stinks.
She left for the weekend without even knowing how you feel? What are you talking about? The girls left town.
They're doing "babymoon" with Maya.
- She ask about me? - Oh, my God.
- Lena? - Maya.
Hey, Frank, uh Martin, this is Sugar Beard.
- No.
No.
- Yeah.
- AKA Country Music Face? Come here.
- Yeah.
I just keep replayin' everything that went down, in my mind, wondering what I coulda done differently.
Is she nuts? This guy's a smoke show.
You don't have to tell me.
And his heart is so pure.
- She left him for Gene? What?! - Yeah.
[LAUGHING.]
I know.
Oh, man.
I really wish you hadn't of just said that.
Now I have a mental image to fixate on.
How? All I said was "Gene.
" What, he a funny guy? Gene Wilder? Or maybe he's a bad boy.
Gene Simmons.
[STAMMERS.]
Light on his feet? Gene Kelly.
Hold on.
If you tell me he's some BAFTA-winning Gene Hackman mother lover, I swear to God, I'm gonna walk right out into oncoming traffic! - Okay, dude.
Hey, it's okay.
It's okay.
- Whoa, Frank.
No, come on.
I don't even think it's that serious, buddy.
[EXHALES SHARPLY.]
Okay.
I'm sorry, boys.
I'm spiraling.
I am stone cold spiraling and it is not a good look.
It's just every minute that passes, I feel like she's slipping further away.
Yeah.
[CARL CARLTON'S "SHE'S A BAD MAMA JAMA (SHE'S BUILT, SHE'S STACKED)" PLAYS.]
She's a bad mama jama Okay! There's a spa forty-five minutes north of here.
They only have three stars, but they do manis, pedis, and erotic massage.
We're not going to a spa.
What?! I thought the whole point of this weekend was to treat ow'selves.
No, that was your whole point, not mine.
I think Maya wants to see the sights.
You know, feel like we're on an adventure.
Um, pull over.
I get so excited Viewing her anatomy You stop talking for me.
And you stop pushing your own agenda.
This trip is supposed to be about me! And I'm so tired of always being the passenger.
Move over.
- Wha Okay.
- Yeah.
Big Mama at the wheel.
So, um yeah.
So so, where are we heading? Don't know.
- I just have one small request.
- Don't care.
- I'd like to - [ENGINE REVS, TIRES SCREECH.]
- - - [ENGINE SHUTS OFF.]
[SLURPING LOUDLY.]
Mmm! I'm tired.
I'm gonna go get a room.
Really? You want to stay here? Is there such a thing as pre-partum depression? Because if so, she has it.
I don't know, but we're all going to get scabies if we sleep in these filthy beds.
Okay, I don't feel comfortable letting her drive anymore.
Did you see "Thelma & Louise"? They die in the end! Here's the thing: I'm a soft-bro.
I'm cuddle-core.
And so is Mason.
We sloppy cry, we wear our hearts on our sleeve, we love Tove Lo.
And yet neither one of us is single.
Beer, beer, root beer.
If you still have feelings for Aunt Maya, it can't hurt to just let her know, right? Unless she has a restraining order.
Would we know? I mean, I think you probably would have been served papers.
- No, of course! You would have been served - Papers! Yeah! - papers, that's how we'd know.
- Okay, great.
- Yeah.
- No restraining order.
- ALL: No restraining order! - [DOOR OPENS.]
- Where's your mother? - Hey, Grampa.
Has anyone seen either one of my girls? - Uh, yeah.
They're on a road trip to t - Road trip! Damn it.
They got the Mustang.
I knew it.
The answer was no in high school, the answer was no in college - and the answer is still no.
- Okay, easy, easy, boss.
I know you're upset, but it's your daughters.
- They're gonna bring it back.
- I don't know that.
C'mon, Henry.
You know where the car is Do I? Where? They're right here.
Get off the hood, you imbecile! You're gonna dent it with those hooker shoes! [CHUCKLES.]
- You son of a bitch! - Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! You son of a bitch! That's my wife! - No! Whoa! - He's your elder! Arthur, he is your elder! I just hope those girls aren't stupid enough to leave that car out there overnight, because if they do, it probably will get stolen.
Apparently, there was a stabbing death there, two years ago.
Of course there was.
Sir, I know she's not mine, but if something happens to her, my heart stops beating.
Who the hell is this guy? - Should we go get our girls? - Yeah.
- Hell, yeah.
- I'm in.
Henry.
I think I'll just let the cops do their thing.
- - [BIRD SCREECHES.]
- - LENA: So, you're unpacking.
Yep.
Okay.
Well, I guess, um, Camille and I can sleep in this bed tonight.
Uh, any idea what time you wanna be heading back tomorrow? I'm not heading back tomorrow.
- Maya - I really like it here, and, you know, the farther out I get, the more I realize: I don't have anything to go back to.
- Well, I do! - Yeah, I got that, believe me! You with the big house and all the money and the perfect life! And you have even more than she does.
I don't know about that But me? I I got nothing or I got next to nothing.
And I don't want my baby to wonder why I I still take money from Grampa or have to do my laundry at my sister's house, or why I had to use artificial insemination because you know, because no man wanted to - [SNIFFLES.]
- [FAUCET TURNS ON.]
Well, technically, Maya, Frank wanted to.
And what did I do to him? I chased him away.
Right? Because he's gotta be crazy if he wants to be with me.
Yes, I've spent my whole life chasing after guys that are far more interested in karate than me.
Why? Because you love karate? [SOBS.]
I don't want my baby to think that I'm pathetic.
Maya, stop it.
Your baby's not gonna judge you.
Okay? Your baby Look at me! Your baby is gonna love you, because you're his mom.
And you're not pathetic.
No.
You are the strongest woman I know.
- And you don't need a man.
- [SCOFFS.]
That's so easy for you to say, because you have one you have one that idolizes you.
And you're not even married to Martin anymore, and his whole life revolves around you.
I've I've never had that.
I've never I've never had anyone get down on one knee and say that they couldn't live without me.
[CRIES AND SNIFFLES.]
[CHUCKLES AND SOBS.]
I can't live without you, Maya.
Me either.
[SOBS.]
I need you and that little baby in my life.
- [LAUGHS.]
- And I need you to stop crying - because you're making me cry.
- [LAUGHS.]
And your mascara's running.
And you look like a hood rat.
[LAUGHTER.]
Come on, lady.
This is your babymoon.
We need to get out of this depressing motel room, and we'll go do whatever you want.
Okay? No side-eye from either of us.
Promise.
[SIGHS.]
Okay.
[LAUGHS.]
- Okay, there is one thing - Um, a lady at the front desk said there's a saloon like three miles from here.
And I really wanna ride the mechanical bull.
- Great! - Great! - - [INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS.]
Whoo-hoo! [LAUGHS.]
- Let me grab 'em.
Yeee-haaa! - Get 'em, girl.
Hey, can this go any faster?! Do not make this go any faster.
All right? This is the absolute max.
You see, the old Lena never would have let her pregnant sister ride a mechanical bull.
Martin? What are you doing here? Uh, well, I didn't realize that [SIGHS.]
you were gonna skip town after you dropped that bombshell on me this morning.
Yeah, well, you didn't really say anything after I issued my feelings advisory, so.
Well, after all these years what more is there to say, woman? Did you drive all the way up here just to show me that ring? No, ma'am.
I drove all the way up here to sweep you off your feet.
- Oh.
Oh, no, don't.
- Come here.
- Don't, Martin.
I'm serious.
- Come here.
- I-I had a very big dinner, I carbo-loaded, - Giddy-up, cowgirl.
- and I don't like being picked up! - Giddy-up, cowgirl.
And I put that ring on a week ago, you didn't even notice.
Is that true? I'm so happy that I Can't stop crying I'm so happy - Hey.
- Hmm? No giving up this time.
No matter what.
Forever and ever.
Deal? Deal.
- I'm laughing through my tears - [APPLAUSE.]
- Whoo-hoo! - I'm laughing through my tears [CHEERING.]
- [COINS DROP, MACHINE BEEPS.]
- [WHISTLING AND CLAPPING.]
Oh, no, it's it's not me.
It's her.
Not her.
You.
[LAUGHTER.]
- All I can see is black and white - Oh, yeah! - Whoo! - And white and pink with blades of blue - That lay between the words I think on a page - [LAUGHS.]
- I was meaning to send to you - Oh, yeah! - I couldn't tell if it bring my heart - Whoo! - The way I wanted when I started - Yeah! - Writing this letter to you - Whoo! - Whoo-hoo! - But if I could, you know I would - Just hold your hand and you'd understand - [LAUGHING.]
Go, Arthur! I'm the man who loves you [CHEERS AND APPLAUSE.]
I-I'm sorry, Maya.
I know that was a-a big swing.
And I know you said you never wanted to see me again, and so if you're not feeling it, that's okay.
I'm I'm feeling it.
I'm I'm feeling all of it.
I just think I might be having this baby! What? Right now? Right here? - [WHIMPERS.]
- Uh, okay, uh Uh slide right out there, FJ! Uh uh - Follow my voice! - No, FJ! We are not having this baby in the Cowboy Palace Saloon.
- Right, right! - Let's go.
MAYA: Ooh! It's not stolen, okay? It's my Grampa's car.
Here, talk to him.
Okay, move, fast, fast, fast, fast, fast.
Okay.
We'll make sure Mason gets home.
You make sure she gets to the hospital.
It's better to get you to your hospital.
But don't worry, we have plenty of time.
First babies are never quick.
But just in case floor it! [ENGINE REVS.]
OFFICER: Stop the car.
That vehicle's been reported stolen.
- [SIREN WAILING.]
- Stop the car.
Looks like I got my police chase after all Whoo-whoo! - anything like that.
Yeah.
- Really? Hey! No baby.
It was a false alarm.
Oh.
Hey, uh, I'll take it from here.
Thanks.
- Thank you.
- [FRANK SIGHS.]
- Ah.
- Sorry! Oh, my God.
Where to, milady? Um I think I'm gonna stay at my dad's tonight.
Okay.
Then I'm gonna sleep in my car outside your dad's house i-if that's okay.
Yeah, that's okay.
Um, thanks for everything.
Sorry about the scare.
- Call you later.
- Okay.
MAYA: Bye.
- [LAUGHS.]
- Oh.
Some night, huh? - Some night.
- Oh, my God.
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS.]
- Clear the hall.
- Whoa! Breathing great, keep it up.
Nice and slow.
[PHOEBE BRIDGERS' "MOTION SICKNESS" PLAYS.]
I hate you for what you did And I miss you like a little kid I faked it every time But that's all right I can hardly feel anything I hardly feel anything At all You saw them kissing? Gross.
So gross.
Really? I think it's beautiful.
You know, Dad's finally ready to admit that without Mom, he's just a broken, lonely, old MILO: Happy birthday, my babies.
Daddy loves you.
What the heck? Josh is a mommy.
And I'm a daddy.
- You are seriously confused.
- No, I'm not.
That little green one right there looks just like me.
They're so tiny! Hey, look, there's three of them.
Just like us.
No, look.
I think there's gonna be four.
Four? What a blessing.
Aww I hope the other guys are nice to the new one when he hatches.
They will be.