Teachers (2016) s02e13 Episode Script
Dire Straights
1 [water bubbling.]
[exotic music.]
[groovy rock music.]
Tap and touch very light, just like in life.
Tap and touch with everything.
Where is this going? And we're just gonna finish up here with a couple of happy little birds, and we are done, friends.
[bell dings.]
Another mountain landscape out of nothing.
Carl Fromm, from what magic are you made? [rock music.]
Tear it down Tear it down Mrs.
Adler? I didn't know you smoked cigarettes.
You look really cool.
- I wasn't smoking, Max.
- Yes, you were.
I smell smoke, and smoke just came out of your mouth, and there's a cigarette in your hand.
Okay, you got me, but smoking is not cool.
Yes, it is.
Obama smokes, and so do you.
Both my heroes smoke.
Yeah! [tense music.]
I have some very disturbing news.
I found a marijuana cigarette on school grounds this morning.
[chuckles.]
Oh, please.
I don't roll my weed.
That combined with the fact that I don't smoke cannabis at all makes it impossible for that to be my bone J marijuana cigarette.
Obviously.
It couldn't be a teacher.
It goes without saying that no faculty member at Fillmore has ever smoked dope.
So you've never gotten high? Only if you count sunshine on my shoulder like my man John Denver? Anyway, I've already called Drug Information and Resistance Education.
A DIRE officer will be visiting every class at Fillmore over the next week.
[groans.]
I don't need some narc up my butt all week.
I can teach the kids drugs myself.
No one is teaching drugs.
You hear that, guys? No teaching drugs, okay? Great, now I have to listen to some pig oink about how drugs make you lazy and unmotivated, which is total bullshit.
Caroline, are you still coming to church with me? There will be lots of nice, young single men.
Last night on match.
com, I matched with someone named Gub, so, yeah, I'll be there.
- I quit smoking.
- Congratulations.
When? Five minutes ago.
- What? - The last time you tried to quit, you told me to hide your cigarettes and then freaked out and threatened to and I quote "rip out my trachea" if I didn't tell you where they were.
That was just locker room talk.
Anyway, it's different this time.
One of my students caught me smoking in the parking lot.
I am never letting my kids see my smoke again.
- Good luck.
- Don't need it.
Willpower and self-control are wicked virtues.
[rock music.]
She's the [bleep.]
worst.
So, for homework, everyone can just complete the even-numbered review questions at the end of the chapter.
Okay.
Why don't we do the odd questions, too? Because that would be too much homework.
But isn't the purpose of the questions to review the chapter? Yes, yes, it is.
So then why don't we answer all the questions? Because then I'm gonna have twice as much work to grade, and I have a life, which you wouldn't understand, because you think that the horses that you ride - are your best friends! - Uh, Deb? Uh Huh? I think you might need to satisfy your oral fixation.
Maybe you'd like a piece of gum.
Maybe you'd like to get a razor so that the rest of us don't have to see your armpit hair poke out the side of your crocheted tops.
[whispering.]
Okay um, let's go ahead and begin our lesson.
- What you got, Picasso? - [rock music sting.]
Last night I got super high and went on Groupon.
Now I got to play trampoline basketball in Winnetka and glow-in-the-dark WhirlyBall in Skokie.
Hello, ladies.
I'd like you to meet Officer Chuck.
He'll be doing the DIRE presentations this week.
- Hi, thanks for having me.
- [tense percussive music.]
[snorts like a pig.]
Did you say something? I thought I heard something.
I-19.
This is great! And you thought that Old Testament reading was fun.
- [laughs.]
- Did I? Hey, that guy's cute.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Oh, we're in the middle of a game.
- You can't distract him.
- B-2.
Fine, but as soon as this lame game's over, I'm introducing myself.
That's a $175 Brooks Brothers sweater.
N-36.
Is that bingo? - Oh.
- Oh, my God, I've got bingo! Bingo! This is amazing! Yes! I win! Bingo! Oh, yeah, b-b-bingo! [upbeat music.]
Better luck next time.
Wow, Caroline, you did great.
I was sure you were going to stop after that cute guy in the Blues Brothers sweater left.
Brooks Brothers? I was going to, but then I was only two squares away from bingo, so I'm single, not stupid.
Oh, okay, well, I'm glad you had fun.
I think I'd like to come to church with you more often, you know, to, like, pray and stuff.
Okay! - Amen.
- [laughs.]
[rock music.]
And at the end of our talk, I'm gonna ask all of you to take the DIRE pledge to be completely drug-free - and to spread the DIRE message.
- Just like the Hitler oath.
I'm sorry, did you say something, Ms.
Feldman? - No, go ahead.
- Okay.
- Nazi.
- Excuse me? Just do your presentation, dude.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Now, I think you all know why I'm here.
Your principal found marijuana on your campus, and marijuana's illegal.
In some states, it is legal for adults.
Yeah, but in all states, it's illegal for minors.
Just like tobacco and alcohol, but they don't send off Sir Friendly around to talk to the kids about that, because those drugs are controlled by corporations.
Actually, I am gonna talk about alcohol and tobacco.
Oh, very good.
So I'm sure you'll talk about how each year, alcohol kills 88,000 people.
- That's right.
- And tobacco 480,000 people.
- Yeah.
- And then there's marijuana.
My Google must be broken, 'cause it's saying zero.
Okay, we're gonna take a ten-minute break.
- What are you doing in there? - What are you doing in there? I'm trying to save these kids' lives.
I'm trying to save their freedom.
I believe in freedom just as much as you do.
- Oh, you're a fascist.
- You're an anarchist! [tense percussive music.]
N-42.
- Bingo.
- You got to be kidding me! I play 16 cards without winning a single round, while Grandma Moses over here gets three bingos on just two cards? What's going on? Is that your nephew working the tumbler? What are you trying to pull here, Granny? Caroline, you can't talk to Mrs.
Willis like that.
She waters the church plants.
Hey, look, that cutie patootie is over by the snacks.
Maybe you could go talk to him.
He's wearing embroidered lobster shorts.
Are you crazy? They're about to do another round.
Hey, loan me a 20.
That last trip to the ATM maxed me out.
- I don't have any cash.
- Oh.
Oh, okay.
Who here wants a Cartier watch for 20 bucks? Huh? The kids were exactly the motivation I needed to quit smoking.
The combination of a noble goal and an iron will has made me unstoppable.
Nicotine is my bitch.
Hey, you got another piece of that gum? I want to punch her in her smug face, but it is pretty impressive how well she's doing.
Actually, it's not.
I've been dosing her with nicotine gum.
Ooh, sneaky, Cecelia, like teaching kids about the Bible using cartoon vegetables.
Guess who's going on a date tonight.
What? I didn't know your vagina worked.
- With who? - Officer Chuck.
We made out in the hallway.
No big deal.
- I thought you hated cops? - So did I.
But he kept coming back at me, and no matter how hard I argued, he wouldn't give an inch.
It was so wrong, yet [grunts softly.]
So right.
I know exactly what you mean, and so do the two Mormon missionaries who recruit in my neighborhood.
Has anyone seen Caroline this morning? [smooth percussive music.]
G, 48.
Bingo! I'm back! Can we play something else, Ms.
Watson? Don't be a sore loser, Alyssa.
Everybody, clear your grids.
We're going again.
This time we're playing for lunch money.
Caroline? Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday? I am.
I found a bingo game in the back of a fish market in Chinatown and stayed there till 6:00 in the morning.
Do you want to go to church later? We could play bingo after.
I actually think we should take the night off.
- I'm a little worried about you.
- [scoffs.]
Mary Louise, I play it because it's good wholesome fun.
- Bingo! - That doesn't count, Alyssa.
I was distracted.
Get out of here, you mush.
Carl Fromm? Are you kidding me? - I know.
It's weird.
- No, no, no, no, I love him.
It's like he's doing these brushstrokes, and it doesn't look like anything, and then it all just comes together.
- Yes.
- [both laugh.]
Listen, you get me a Checkers pizza and some Carl Fromm, and I'm a happy camper.
Oh, you just described my perfect evening.
- [chuckles.]
Well - I'm so happy we did this.
I've never met anybody quite like you, A.
J.
Okay, I'm gonna outside and blaze up before dinner.
You know that I'm an actual police officer, right? Uh, yeah, that's why I didn't invite you.
See, if you tell me that you're gonna go get high, then my job is to arrest you.
Okay, message received.
I'm gonna go to the ladies' room.
What I'm saying is I cannot date somebody who gets high.
- You're serious? - Yeah.
I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I haven't felt this way in so long, and I want to give it a shot.
Officer Chuck, for you, I'm going to take the DIRE pledge.
[rock music.]
- Hey, what's going on here? - He took the ball from me! Did not! I saw it first.
- Problem solved, twerps.
- The gum's wearing off.
I brought reinforcements.
Nicotine patches.
Here.
[exhales deeply.]
I'm going in.
Godspeed.
- Deb? - What? It's so good to have such a strong woman on playground duty with me.
- [chuckles.]
Come here.
- What are you doing? - You're my hero.
- Stop! - You're my hero, you're my hero.
- Get off of me! What are you doing? Don't touch me! [scoffs.]
I just really admire your incredible strength of character.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, guys, let's go get that ball.
B-11.
I thought you said you were gonna skip church.
I did.
I'm at bingo.
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've, um I've been noticing you all week.
Do you summer in Nantucket? Because my family's got a house there.
Buzz off, preppy, I'm one square away on six different cards.
Holy moly.
She's an addict.
[groovy rock music.]
I've only been eating condiment packets? How am I still alive? Why am I hiding my apartment key inside my apartment? The first song on this album's been playing for an hour.
Holy crap.
It's the last song.
All the song's sound the same.
This band sucks.
My life sucks.
Thank you all for coming to Caroline's intervention.
Are you sure you can't squeeze me into this? I could really use some guilt and shame to help keep off the weed.
Am I the only one who didn't get the memo that this is National Pussy Week? Oh, my God, are you guys playing Telephone? Caroline, we're here to intervene.
This is an intervention.
I'll start.
Chelsea, I think you constantly degrade yourself by having one-night-stands.
A sex addict It's not for me.
It's for you.
"Dear Caroline, I think you're sexually repressed, "anal retentive, and you have an arrested sense of style.
"I have attempted to take you on as a project, but now I am done with you.
" Chelsea, this is supposed to be about her bingo addiction.
- Oh.
- What are you talking about? I don't have a bingo problem.
"Dear Caroline, you have a bingo problem.
"Your sinful weakness is blocking your path - to communion with your stu" - I'm not addicted to bingo! And thanks to your stupid intervention, I may miss my lunchtime game at the Newsom Senior Center.
Those old bitches have $100 of my money, and I got to get it back.
Well, that was a complete waste of time.
Actually, Deb, it wasn't.
- "Dear Deb" - Hold on, she gets letters? Wait, what's going on? I already quit smoking.
"You only think you've quit smoking, because we've been dosing you with nicotine.
" Well, that's bullshit.
I quit cold turkey.
No, you didn't.
What No.
Wha.
.
Oh, Chelsea - You got dosed, girl.
- [grunts.]
[gasps.]
I should've known.
Nobody ever hugs me.
Screw you, guys.
I can quit on my own! [rock music.]
A.
J.
Just who I'm looking for.
How's it going with the pledge? I can honestly say I'm seeing things in a whole new light.
A lot of people who take the pledge say the same thing.
And they stick with it? - What? - Nothing.
Hey, I thought maybe I would come by your place tonight.
You order the Checkers pizza, and I will bring [laughs.]
Oh, "Carl Fromm: The Lost Episodes"? - I'm in.
Okay.
[giggles.]
- Okay.
- All right, I'll see you later.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
[both laugh.]
[exhales sharply.]
I can do this.
Don't need any help.
I can do this.
Oh, damn it.
[sighs.]
I knew you didn't quit.
It's because smoking's cool, right? [scoffs.]
These aren't real cigarettes, Max.
This is a candy cigarette.
Then eat it.
[muffled.]
You see? Candy.
What about the rest of them? Uh [rock music.]
Oh, hello, Mary Louise.
Are you playing tonight? Be careful.
You don't want to get addicted.
Actually, I'm setting up for both of us.
Oh, looks like you realized you were the one with a problem with me winning.
B-3.
That's B-3.
Mary Louise, this dabber doesn't have any ink.
- Let's share.
- No.
If you don't have a problem, then you can miss one round.
O-59.
[tense music.]
I-32.
I-17.
Does anyone have an extra dabber? Grandma Moses, what about you? Hello? I need to dab, people.
Someone just give me a dabber that works! You Christians always want to help someone in need, right? Well, here I am! Give me your freakin' dabber, you motherf Any kind of style you want to paint in, you let me know, except portraits.
I think I've seen this one.
No, they pulled these after his Vespa accident.
- Oh.
- My portrait teacher said he said, "Carl, you should stay in the woods.
" But what is talent? It's what we feel inside.
That's what it is.
It's what we feel inside.
Does Checkers pizza always taste like this? - Yeah.
- [sighs.]
Okay, I got to tell you something, Officer Chuck.
- What? - I really like you, but everything outside of school without weed is a turd sandwich.
Look where I live.
I got to get high.
So can you deal with that? I really appreciate your honesty, but as I said before, I cannot be with somebody who uses drugs.
So I guess I'm asking you to choose between me and marijuana.
[sighs.]
- [both laugh.]
- All right.
All right.
- Uh - Mm [both laugh.]
I'll be seeing you.
Wait.
Did you just choose marijuana? Uh-huh.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
So I should - I should I should just go? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[both chuckle.]
- All right.
- All right.
I think we're about done.
[exotic music.]
[groovy guitar music.]
Well, it's been a week.
I've officially quit smoking.
- Good for you, girl.
- How'd you do it? Aversion therapy.
I ate an entire pack of cigarettes.
If there's something you really want, you find a way.
Let me tell you how I define willpower.
Okay, I have to go.
I told you.
She's the [bleep.]
worst.
[rock music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Mary Louise, I'm not going in there.
Caroline, please.
It's one meeting.
They're gamblers, too.
They can help you.
[indistinct chatter continues.]
- Get lost.
- Huh? Hello, boys! Let the healing begin.
[exotic music.]
[groovy rock music.]
Tap and touch very light, just like in life.
Tap and touch with everything.
Where is this going? And we're just gonna finish up here with a couple of happy little birds, and we are done, friends.
[bell dings.]
Another mountain landscape out of nothing.
Carl Fromm, from what magic are you made? [rock music.]
Tear it down Tear it down Mrs.
Adler? I didn't know you smoked cigarettes.
You look really cool.
- I wasn't smoking, Max.
- Yes, you were.
I smell smoke, and smoke just came out of your mouth, and there's a cigarette in your hand.
Okay, you got me, but smoking is not cool.
Yes, it is.
Obama smokes, and so do you.
Both my heroes smoke.
Yeah! [tense music.]
I have some very disturbing news.
I found a marijuana cigarette on school grounds this morning.
[chuckles.]
Oh, please.
I don't roll my weed.
That combined with the fact that I don't smoke cannabis at all makes it impossible for that to be my bone J marijuana cigarette.
Obviously.
It couldn't be a teacher.
It goes without saying that no faculty member at Fillmore has ever smoked dope.
So you've never gotten high? Only if you count sunshine on my shoulder like my man John Denver? Anyway, I've already called Drug Information and Resistance Education.
A DIRE officer will be visiting every class at Fillmore over the next week.
[groans.]
I don't need some narc up my butt all week.
I can teach the kids drugs myself.
No one is teaching drugs.
You hear that, guys? No teaching drugs, okay? Great, now I have to listen to some pig oink about how drugs make you lazy and unmotivated, which is total bullshit.
Caroline, are you still coming to church with me? There will be lots of nice, young single men.
Last night on match.
com, I matched with someone named Gub, so, yeah, I'll be there.
- I quit smoking.
- Congratulations.
When? Five minutes ago.
- What? - The last time you tried to quit, you told me to hide your cigarettes and then freaked out and threatened to and I quote "rip out my trachea" if I didn't tell you where they were.
That was just locker room talk.
Anyway, it's different this time.
One of my students caught me smoking in the parking lot.
I am never letting my kids see my smoke again.
- Good luck.
- Don't need it.
Willpower and self-control are wicked virtues.
[rock music.]
She's the [bleep.]
worst.
So, for homework, everyone can just complete the even-numbered review questions at the end of the chapter.
Okay.
Why don't we do the odd questions, too? Because that would be too much homework.
But isn't the purpose of the questions to review the chapter? Yes, yes, it is.
So then why don't we answer all the questions? Because then I'm gonna have twice as much work to grade, and I have a life, which you wouldn't understand, because you think that the horses that you ride - are your best friends! - Uh, Deb? Uh Huh? I think you might need to satisfy your oral fixation.
Maybe you'd like a piece of gum.
Maybe you'd like to get a razor so that the rest of us don't have to see your armpit hair poke out the side of your crocheted tops.
[whispering.]
Okay um, let's go ahead and begin our lesson.
- What you got, Picasso? - [rock music sting.]
Last night I got super high and went on Groupon.
Now I got to play trampoline basketball in Winnetka and glow-in-the-dark WhirlyBall in Skokie.
Hello, ladies.
I'd like you to meet Officer Chuck.
He'll be doing the DIRE presentations this week.
- Hi, thanks for having me.
- [tense percussive music.]
[snorts like a pig.]
Did you say something? I thought I heard something.
I-19.
This is great! And you thought that Old Testament reading was fun.
- [laughs.]
- Did I? Hey, that guy's cute.
- I'm gonna go talk to him.
- Oh, we're in the middle of a game.
- You can't distract him.
- B-2.
Fine, but as soon as this lame game's over, I'm introducing myself.
That's a $175 Brooks Brothers sweater.
N-36.
Is that bingo? - Oh.
- Oh, my God, I've got bingo! Bingo! This is amazing! Yes! I win! Bingo! Oh, yeah, b-b-bingo! [upbeat music.]
Better luck next time.
Wow, Caroline, you did great.
I was sure you were going to stop after that cute guy in the Blues Brothers sweater left.
Brooks Brothers? I was going to, but then I was only two squares away from bingo, so I'm single, not stupid.
Oh, okay, well, I'm glad you had fun.
I think I'd like to come to church with you more often, you know, to, like, pray and stuff.
Okay! - Amen.
- [laughs.]
[rock music.]
And at the end of our talk, I'm gonna ask all of you to take the DIRE pledge to be completely drug-free - and to spread the DIRE message.
- Just like the Hitler oath.
I'm sorry, did you say something, Ms.
Feldman? - No, go ahead.
- Okay.
- Nazi.
- Excuse me? Just do your presentation, dude.
- Okay.
- Okay.
All right.
Now, I think you all know why I'm here.
Your principal found marijuana on your campus, and marijuana's illegal.
In some states, it is legal for adults.
Yeah, but in all states, it's illegal for minors.
Just like tobacco and alcohol, but they don't send off Sir Friendly around to talk to the kids about that, because those drugs are controlled by corporations.
Actually, I am gonna talk about alcohol and tobacco.
Oh, very good.
So I'm sure you'll talk about how each year, alcohol kills 88,000 people.
- That's right.
- And tobacco 480,000 people.
- Yeah.
- And then there's marijuana.
My Google must be broken, 'cause it's saying zero.
Okay, we're gonna take a ten-minute break.
- What are you doing in there? - What are you doing in there? I'm trying to save these kids' lives.
I'm trying to save their freedom.
I believe in freedom just as much as you do.
- Oh, you're a fascist.
- You're an anarchist! [tense percussive music.]
N-42.
- Bingo.
- You got to be kidding me! I play 16 cards without winning a single round, while Grandma Moses over here gets three bingos on just two cards? What's going on? Is that your nephew working the tumbler? What are you trying to pull here, Granny? Caroline, you can't talk to Mrs.
Willis like that.
She waters the church plants.
Hey, look, that cutie patootie is over by the snacks.
Maybe you could go talk to him.
He's wearing embroidered lobster shorts.
Are you crazy? They're about to do another round.
Hey, loan me a 20.
That last trip to the ATM maxed me out.
- I don't have any cash.
- Oh.
Oh, okay.
Who here wants a Cartier watch for 20 bucks? Huh? The kids were exactly the motivation I needed to quit smoking.
The combination of a noble goal and an iron will has made me unstoppable.
Nicotine is my bitch.
Hey, you got another piece of that gum? I want to punch her in her smug face, but it is pretty impressive how well she's doing.
Actually, it's not.
I've been dosing her with nicotine gum.
Ooh, sneaky, Cecelia, like teaching kids about the Bible using cartoon vegetables.
Guess who's going on a date tonight.
What? I didn't know your vagina worked.
- With who? - Officer Chuck.
We made out in the hallway.
No big deal.
- I thought you hated cops? - So did I.
But he kept coming back at me, and no matter how hard I argued, he wouldn't give an inch.
It was so wrong, yet [grunts softly.]
So right.
I know exactly what you mean, and so do the two Mormon missionaries who recruit in my neighborhood.
Has anyone seen Caroline this morning? [smooth percussive music.]
G, 48.
Bingo! I'm back! Can we play something else, Ms.
Watson? Don't be a sore loser, Alyssa.
Everybody, clear your grids.
We're going again.
This time we're playing for lunch money.
Caroline? Are you wearing the same clothes as yesterday? I am.
I found a bingo game in the back of a fish market in Chinatown and stayed there till 6:00 in the morning.
Do you want to go to church later? We could play bingo after.
I actually think we should take the night off.
- I'm a little worried about you.
- [scoffs.]
Mary Louise, I play it because it's good wholesome fun.
- Bingo! - That doesn't count, Alyssa.
I was distracted.
Get out of here, you mush.
Carl Fromm? Are you kidding me? - I know.
It's weird.
- No, no, no, no, I love him.
It's like he's doing these brushstrokes, and it doesn't look like anything, and then it all just comes together.
- Yes.
- [both laugh.]
Listen, you get me a Checkers pizza and some Carl Fromm, and I'm a happy camper.
Oh, you just described my perfect evening.
- [chuckles.]
Well - I'm so happy we did this.
I've never met anybody quite like you, A.
J.
Okay, I'm gonna outside and blaze up before dinner.
You know that I'm an actual police officer, right? Uh, yeah, that's why I didn't invite you.
See, if you tell me that you're gonna go get high, then my job is to arrest you.
Okay, message received.
I'm gonna go to the ladies' room.
What I'm saying is I cannot date somebody who gets high.
- You're serious? - Yeah.
I can't believe I'm about to do this, but I haven't felt this way in so long, and I want to give it a shot.
Officer Chuck, for you, I'm going to take the DIRE pledge.
[rock music.]
- Hey, what's going on here? - He took the ball from me! Did not! I saw it first.
- Problem solved, twerps.
- The gum's wearing off.
I brought reinforcements.
Nicotine patches.
Here.
[exhales deeply.]
I'm going in.
Godspeed.
- Deb? - What? It's so good to have such a strong woman on playground duty with me.
- [chuckles.]
Come here.
- What are you doing? - You're my hero.
- Stop! - You're my hero, you're my hero.
- Get off of me! What are you doing? Don't touch me! [scoffs.]
I just really admire your incredible strength of character.
Yeah, I know.
Come on, guys, let's go get that ball.
B-11.
I thought you said you were gonna skip church.
I did.
I'm at bingo.
Hi, I'm sorry to bother you, but I've, um I've been noticing you all week.
Do you summer in Nantucket? Because my family's got a house there.
Buzz off, preppy, I'm one square away on six different cards.
Holy moly.
She's an addict.
[groovy rock music.]
I've only been eating condiment packets? How am I still alive? Why am I hiding my apartment key inside my apartment? The first song on this album's been playing for an hour.
Holy crap.
It's the last song.
All the song's sound the same.
This band sucks.
My life sucks.
Thank you all for coming to Caroline's intervention.
Are you sure you can't squeeze me into this? I could really use some guilt and shame to help keep off the weed.
Am I the only one who didn't get the memo that this is National Pussy Week? Oh, my God, are you guys playing Telephone? Caroline, we're here to intervene.
This is an intervention.
I'll start.
Chelsea, I think you constantly degrade yourself by having one-night-stands.
A sex addict It's not for me.
It's for you.
"Dear Caroline, I think you're sexually repressed, "anal retentive, and you have an arrested sense of style.
"I have attempted to take you on as a project, but now I am done with you.
" Chelsea, this is supposed to be about her bingo addiction.
- Oh.
- What are you talking about? I don't have a bingo problem.
"Dear Caroline, you have a bingo problem.
"Your sinful weakness is blocking your path - to communion with your stu" - I'm not addicted to bingo! And thanks to your stupid intervention, I may miss my lunchtime game at the Newsom Senior Center.
Those old bitches have $100 of my money, and I got to get it back.
Well, that was a complete waste of time.
Actually, Deb, it wasn't.
- "Dear Deb" - Hold on, she gets letters? Wait, what's going on? I already quit smoking.
"You only think you've quit smoking, because we've been dosing you with nicotine.
" Well, that's bullshit.
I quit cold turkey.
No, you didn't.
What No.
Wha.
.
Oh, Chelsea - You got dosed, girl.
- [grunts.]
[gasps.]
I should've known.
Nobody ever hugs me.
Screw you, guys.
I can quit on my own! [rock music.]
A.
J.
Just who I'm looking for.
How's it going with the pledge? I can honestly say I'm seeing things in a whole new light.
A lot of people who take the pledge say the same thing.
And they stick with it? - What? - Nothing.
Hey, I thought maybe I would come by your place tonight.
You order the Checkers pizza, and I will bring [laughs.]
Oh, "Carl Fromm: The Lost Episodes"? - I'm in.
Okay.
[giggles.]
- Okay.
- All right, I'll see you later.
- Okay, I'll see you later.
[both laugh.]
[exhales sharply.]
I can do this.
Don't need any help.
I can do this.
Oh, damn it.
[sighs.]
I knew you didn't quit.
It's because smoking's cool, right? [scoffs.]
These aren't real cigarettes, Max.
This is a candy cigarette.
Then eat it.
[muffled.]
You see? Candy.
What about the rest of them? Uh [rock music.]
Oh, hello, Mary Louise.
Are you playing tonight? Be careful.
You don't want to get addicted.
Actually, I'm setting up for both of us.
Oh, looks like you realized you were the one with a problem with me winning.
B-3.
That's B-3.
Mary Louise, this dabber doesn't have any ink.
- Let's share.
- No.
If you don't have a problem, then you can miss one round.
O-59.
[tense music.]
I-32.
I-17.
Does anyone have an extra dabber? Grandma Moses, what about you? Hello? I need to dab, people.
Someone just give me a dabber that works! You Christians always want to help someone in need, right? Well, here I am! Give me your freakin' dabber, you motherf Any kind of style you want to paint in, you let me know, except portraits.
I think I've seen this one.
No, they pulled these after his Vespa accident.
- Oh.
- My portrait teacher said he said, "Carl, you should stay in the woods.
" But what is talent? It's what we feel inside.
That's what it is.
It's what we feel inside.
Does Checkers pizza always taste like this? - Yeah.
- [sighs.]
Okay, I got to tell you something, Officer Chuck.
- What? - I really like you, but everything outside of school without weed is a turd sandwich.
Look where I live.
I got to get high.
So can you deal with that? I really appreciate your honesty, but as I said before, I cannot be with somebody who uses drugs.
So I guess I'm asking you to choose between me and marijuana.
[sighs.]
- [both laugh.]
- All right.
All right.
- Uh - Mm [both laugh.]
I'll be seeing you.
Wait.
Did you just choose marijuana? Uh-huh.
[chuckles.]
Yeah.
So I should - I should I should just go? - Yeah.
- Okay.
- Okay.
[both chuckle.]
- All right.
- All right.
I think we're about done.
[exotic music.]
[groovy guitar music.]
Well, it's been a week.
I've officially quit smoking.
- Good for you, girl.
- How'd you do it? Aversion therapy.
I ate an entire pack of cigarettes.
If there's something you really want, you find a way.
Let me tell you how I define willpower.
Okay, I have to go.
I told you.
She's the [bleep.]
worst.
[rock music.]
[indistinct chatter.]
Mary Louise, I'm not going in there.
Caroline, please.
It's one meeting.
They're gamblers, too.
They can help you.
[indistinct chatter continues.]
- Get lost.
- Huh? Hello, boys! Let the healing begin.