The Almighty Johnsons (2011) s02e13 Episode Script
Does This Look Like Asgard?
I can't be with the woman I love.
And for her, you'd renounce your god powers? All right, bring him back.
I said, 'Bring him back'! What the hell are you doing? I wanna try something and I don't want him to see it.
Oh! Behold, she has power over death.
Damn, my favourite god-on-goddess porn channel off the air.
He set you up to take this bar so he could watch us and listen.
I'm gonna kill him.
She's gonna be Frigg? No, Papatuanuku.
Tomorrow I turn 21 and one of two things happens I turn into this goddess or that goddess.
I then spend the rest of time with either you, whom I do love, or Jerome.
Did you just say you love me? Whoo! Oh, where are you going? The shower.
Then work, to make the world safe for capitalism through PR.
No.
Not yet, you're not.
Huh? Oh.
Just forget about it, Mike.
Doesn't it make you sick to know that he was watching us the whole time? Or you could imagine Colin insane with jealousy, watching the awesome sex he's missing out on.
Fine.
Can we never leave this bed? Works for me.
I can cope with that.
Except to eat, obviously.
What are you doing here? Making sure you're OK.
Plus, for reasons I'm not entirely clear of, Mike's girlfriend hit me over the head with The Stick.
So I woke up here.
I told you, it was an accident.
Mm.
So, how does it feel to be mortal all over again? Happy birthday.
Can we pretend it's not real yet? Yeah.
I can cope with that.
OK, coming in, decent or not.
Because today is goddess day.
Zeb, you shouldn't have.
F for Frigg.
And Freki.
Actual gold, cos Frigg digs gold.
Maybe Odin could get you the bracelet it off, seeing he didn't get you anything.
I said, I've been a bit busy.
Yet somehow I found time to get kidnapped by a giant and shop.
I told Axl I didn't want anything.
Besides, it's not like it's certain I'll be Frigg.
I reckon if that's you want, then that's what you'll be.
Which kinda leads me to I've never been invited to any god ceremony ever.
But surely, this one.
I mean, you guys are my flatmates.
Sure.
I don't see a problem with that.
Yes! You're totally gonna get Frigg.
I'll go.
We've come for our girl.
Hi, Stacey.
Come, we're away.
Are we? Yes! You won't need anything it's all sorted.
What is? Trust me don't question her.
Where are we going? Somewhere sacred.
Goddess sacred.
Of course you are.
See you guys soon.
Him - yes; him - no.
Eh? No mortals allowed.
They said I could come.
Well, they were wrong.
The arrival of a goddess is the most holy of ceremonies and will not be defiled by the presence of a mortal.
I'll sit at the back and be quiet.
No, you won't, because you won't be there.
Sorry, Zeb.
Is there some sort of after-party I can come to? No! So close.
Come to throw an old man out on the street, have you? You're not that old.
To what do I owe this charity? I need you to answer a question.
Dietary fibre.
What? That's the answer to everything a decent crap once a day.
How do I kill Loki? Loki cannot be killed, just as Ullr cannot be killed, just as Kvasir cannot be killed OK, OK, I get the picture.
Your question is moot and idiotic.
How do I kill the vessel currently containing Loki? Gun, knife, dodgy seafood.
Vessels are vessels; they come and go, they're human, they're frail.
He knows I'm coming, and he's more powerful than me.
How do I nullify Colin's powers? Loki is all about fire.
What defeats fire? Water.
And the closest thing you've got to water? Ice.
You don't have to worry about me getting in your way.
You're fine.
You've got mortal things to be going on with.
Like claiming Dawn.
I'm not going to 'claim' her; I'm going to woo her.
Woo? Yes.
To win her.
OK.
Well, good luck with that.
Thanks.
Do I need to list all the indignities, pain and suffering I have endured for you and your stupid god family? Please don't.
And now I don't even get an invite to my flatmate's 21st.
It's not what you'd call a standard 21st, Zeb.
But it still sucks.
When you are Odin, I want you to turn me into Freki.
The actual Freki, as in wolf, so I can bite people.
Serious arse-biting when I'm Freki that's what I'll be about.
Oh, hey guys.
Freki dog.
We've come for our goddess.
Not here.
She's off with her goddesses, doing stuff only goddesses are allowed.
Are you hiding her from me, on this, our day? Uh, no, and this has still yet to be proven to be 'your' day.
Well, she needs to be with her people.
She is with her people, apparently.
No, she's not.
I thought you were that.
Apart from us.
Well, clearly apart from us, Leon.
Well, it turns out I'm only part of her people.
I thought I was part of her people too, but not even close.
Look, she has other people and is with them.
Can we just leave it at that? But Maui needs his Papatuanuku.
OK, even playing along with the whole Papatuanuku idea for a second, she's still not here.
Could you maybe call her on the telephone? It would be good for Jerome to know that she is safe.
Yes.
Yes, it would.
Fine, whatever.
But they're probably in the middle of full-on goddess stuff.
Hi.
Hey.
It's me.
Uh, where are you? At a secret location Ingrid has sworn me to keep secret.
Yeah, that's kinda what I told them.
Which 'them'? Let me talk to her.
This 'them'.
My destiny.
Oh, hey, Jerome.
There is contemplation we need to do together before we become father and mother to our people.
Is there? Michele wants to speak to you.
Which one is she? Uh, the one whose goddess name no one can pronounce.
OK, Maui boy, you might be cute, but until this afternoon, she is ours, and if you change that, I will break you in half.
Kei te pai? Ae.
Ka pai.
We will wait here until she returns.
But she's not coming back.
Look, I don't trust you, Norseman.
I'm from Hawke's Bay.
So, we shall wait.
I need your help to deal to Loki.
When you say 'deal to'? After everything he has done to this family, he needs to be stopped.
And according to Kvasir, you're the man for the job.
Did Michele tell you about last night? No.
If you're looking for Hod to help you out, I'm not him any more.
Bullshit! I found a way, Mike.
We were supposed to talk before you did anything! An opportunity arose.
No.
We had a deal.
Mike, I'm the happiest I've been since I turned 21.
Sorry if it's in the way of your revenge fantasy, but can you not just? This is not about me; this is about the danger he poses to our family.
Don't try and turn this into something noble; you're pissed off because Colin got his rocks off watching you boink his ex-girlfriend.
What he does attacks all of us, the family that you just betrayed.
'Betrayed'? Get a grip.
You just turned your back on all of us.
Get used to being alone.
And this is exactly the sort of shit I will not miss! How'd it go with the oil guys? Consider them well and truly drilled.
Oh! I knew you'd do the business.
Can I have my chair back now? Um, that depends.
On what? Whether you'll drill me as well.
Wow, classy double entendre there.
We have just landed hundreds of thousands of dollars of work.
Don't you wanna celebrate? This is good tea.
What is it? Tea bag.
Gaia buys it.
So I shall look forward to drinking it every morning, with Gaia making it for me.
Good luck with that fantasy, given that she was in my bed this morning.
Today everything changes.
Or it stays the same.
Hey, where do you guys stand on the whole 'mortals at the ceremony' thing? I'll bet you'll take your non-god followers with you, right? No.
Zeb, they're not taking you with them.
You're not even a Maori.
In fact, you shouldn't even be in the presence of the true gods of Aotearoa.
I live here.
Not today.
Begone.
You can't 'begone' me from my own flat.
Zeb, maybe you should take off.
I'll text you with how it goes.
Gee, thanks, mate! Way to make me feel real wanted! And to think I was the only one that got her an actual birthday present.
Leon, why don't you go do that thing? Oh, that thing that we talked heaps about? Yeah.
Yep.
It's a good idea, good idea, George.
You didn't get her a present either, eh? Sure, we did.
Tea? Hmm? No.
Something stronger? I'm OK.
Nice flowers.
They just arrived - no note.
I thought they might be from you.
Why would I send you flowers? As an apology, followed by a retraction.
No, wasn't me.
So, what brings you to my house, Anders, for the first time ever? It can't be.
I feel like I've been here many times.
Yet you haven't.
Dawn, can I ask you a question? I was at the office and thinking about this question, but you weren't there to ask.
That would be because you fired me.
As a woman, what is an acceptable level of sex in a relationship? Excuse me? As a woman who's been in relationships, how often a day, as a woman, you could say, before it's nymphomania? I mean, I got nothing against nymphomania as an affliction in women it's much more appealing than having one giant eyebrow - but it is really hard work.
My dick hurts, Dawn.
It really really hurts.
The best thing, Anders, about losing my job, is that I no longer have to put up with your crap.
You don't know the answer, do you? You can go now.
You, out.
I've taken enough shit from the Johnsons for today, so I'm drinking my beer whether you like it or not.
Then sit in the corner and drink.
I can do that.
Did you know about Ty? Becoming an ex-god? Did you not think to tell me? Well, this is the first time I've seen you since last night.
Were you a part of it? Up until the point where your girlfriend felled me with Yggdrasil, yes.
She what? It's claimed it was an accident, but I have my doubts.
Mike, I have never seen Ty happier.
What about we're a family of gods? Well, now Ty is just the kid who's a little bit different from the rest.
I can't believe you went along with it.
Hey, I was intrigued to see if what Kvasir said would work would work.
Kvasir.
Of course.
He asked me a question; I answered it.
I don't make the rules.
He put you up to it, didn't he? 'He' who? Loki.
Don't you think it's a wee bit coincidental at the same time he's telling me we need Hod to kill Loki, he's telling Ty how not to be Hod any more? OK, Mike, you need to step back.
We're not the killing kind.
Whoa, underground cavern under the bar-very godlike.
Hey, man, I'm Zeb.
Out! Out! Out! Hey! What did I do? In our history, there have always been those gods more likely to snap and take out everybody around them with an assault rifle.
Thanks for that wisdom, Kvasir.
You're welcome.
Ah! Eh? You know I've got about a thousand ice-boy jokes that'll go unused now? Oh.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
And I am truly happy for you.
Thank you.
Unlike Mike, who thinks I have defiled family honour.
Mike needs to get over himself.
Hey, when you were with Helen, what was it like? Um, brief.
As in not together long.
Yeah, but in that time, did you ever find her pushy and demanding? Don't get me wrong, there's a lot about Helen that sets her apart from others.
That she's a goddess? That she's up for anything, any time, anywhere.
Which is the problem, cos I'm the kind of guy that likes things on my terms.
You know what I mean? I'm your brother - yeah, I know.
Yeah, so when I wake up and realise that she's making plans for the two of us, my sphincter it clenches.
And not in a good way.
Idun and Bragi are destined to be together what did you expect? Does this look like Asgard? I mean, maybe later when Axl gets his Frigg on, things'll change, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Destined, Anders.
And I can live with that, but on my terms.
Your idea of being together is different to Helen's.
Mm-hm.
And she needs to be told that.
And she will not take it well.
Hey, which one of us here is the god of sweet-talk? Mm-hm.
Seriously? You got the earth mother gardening vouchers? Hey, you try shopping for Papatuanuku it's not easy, man.
Yeah, but vouchers? Everybody loves vouchers it means you can get what you want.
Yeah, wasting you, paleface! Not yet, not-as-pale-as-me face.
Why play this? You suck at this.
Hey, Maui doesn't suck at anything.
Because Maui is a trickster, waiting and lulling while I strike! Yeah! Taste my Maori power, invader! Hey, you know what'd be cool? You not distracting me? If there was a Maori gods versus Norse gods video game.
That would be awesome and educational.
I get it Mike, I get your pride is hurt, but Loki is the one god we do not wanna go to war with.
So we're to let him treat us like a bunch of nobodies? Because next to him, we are a bunch of nobodies.
Our powers are piss-weak compared to his.
Until Axl gets his powers.
I suspect when that day comes, we will cease to be the Johnsons and become a bunch of gods fighting among ourselves, which is not a lot different, just more amped.
You will be Ullr, the pretender to the throne; I will be Baldr, coolest god ever; and Loki will still be an arsehole.
Don't fight the natural order, Mike, because the natural order is the natural order.
Hi.
OK, I'm just gonna come out and say this, because I'm sure if I think about it, it'll all come out wrong.
I don't want us to be just friends, Dawn.
I'm sick of that torture, because I love you.
After all that we've been through, I love you more than ever, and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, starting with that holiday that we never had and which I've booked just the two of us, sun and cocktails with little umbrellas, somewhere so very warm.
Can we do that? Can Can we start over again? Sorry, who are you? Sorry? Who are you? I'm Ty.
The only Ty I know of is my ex-boss' brother.
Yes.
Who I've never met.
What? Did Anders talk to you about me? No, only about his sore dick.
Did Anders send you to do this? No.
Dawn, it's me Ty.
Anders' brother yes, got that.
Does he think that a holiday will make him firing me somehow feel better? Why the hell would I wanna go on holiday with a man I've never met, especially one who starts spouting how much he loves me, on my doorstep, the first time I lay eyes on him? What kind of fucked-up behaviour is that? Tell Anders thanks, but no, thanks.
You've been busy.
If I'm going to become a hugely powerful goddess today, I should have something nice to wear.
Fair enough.
Where have you been? Do you need to know where I've been? Not if you don't want to tell me.
Good.
Glad we've got that sorted.
Oh, hey, I've been thinking.
Ooh! Is that so? Uh, about us.
I guessed as much from the way that you said, 'I've been thinking' in the tone that usually precedes, 'and I think we should call it a day.
' No, no, no.
No way.
But I do think it wouldn't hurt if we took a step back for a minute.
Step back? From what? Is there a ledge we're standing on? OK.
Don't get me wrong the last few days have been the most amazing, most intense relationship I've ever had, and I most definitely do not want it to end.
Uh, it's OK, think of it like this you go to the most amazing restaurant, you have the most amazing meal, and to top it off, you have the most amazing creme brulee.
In fact, it is so amazing you order a second creme brulee.
But here's the thing halfway through the second creme brulee you stop, and you think, 'Oh, no, that's too much of a good thing.
' You see what I mean? I'm a second creme brulee? No, we're each other's second creme brulee.
Which is why I think we need to take a break between courses.
So that when we are together it'll be this rare and beautiful and special thing.
Like the first creme brulee? Exactly.
This is good, Helen trust me.
If we can get this right, then who knows what the future will hold for us? I'm gonna go home and get ready for this thing.
Absolutely.
If today is about us goddesses all being beautiful and strong together Which it is.
How come Helen goddess isn't here? Well, she's new to the rank, so she hasn't fully been incorporated yet.
You forgot to invite her.
Plus she's a bitch.
No, I'm sure she's not.
You hate her because she's more powerful than you.
Or so she thinks.
True that.
What do you mean? Whatever happens today, Gaia whether you become Frigg or you go to the brown side I want you to remember No, none of that stuff today, Michele.
I want you to remember that in us, you have allies.
Why will I need allies? Oracle Ingrid? In a world of gods, it's always good to have allies.
Is it too early to have a drink? No! Another one, thanks.
I told you we're closing.
Oh, of course.
I'm not allowed to go to the thing, I can't go home, I can't go down to the cool dungeon, I can't stay here talk about feeling wanted! Aw, let him stay, Mike.
How much can one runt drink while we're gone? Oh, and if you're thinking of going to the thing, you're his kind now.
She didn't know me.
Who? Dawn.
She had absolutely no idea who I was.
I meant nothing to her.
Tell me about it, buddy.
I know that feeling in bucketloads.
Wait.
Zeb, do you know who this man is? No.
It's Ty.
Oh.
As in your brother? Intriguing.
He's not a god why should I answer bloody questions about him? He means nothing to us.
Because I'm a god and I'm asking.
How come no one remembers Ty? Well, you remember him, don't you? Yes.
So what does it matter? It matters to me! The only thing that made him matter was that he was a god.
And now he's not a god, he doesn't matter! Not to them, anyway.
What 'them'? The billions that aren't us the insects.
Mortals? Gone poof! Forgotten.
But Dawn didn't know I was a god.
Oh, yes, she did.
Deep down in that part of her brain that used to worship us, that used to use us to explain their primitive world, she recognized you as a god.
They all do.
But then, when you stopped being a god, their ape brains can't cope with that fundamental shift, and so they just delete you.
Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.
Whereas to us you will forever be the traitor that turned on his own kind.
Why didn't you tell me any of this? You didn't ask.
Hey! Hey! Argh! Baldr! Baldr! As much as this would make the world a better place right now, unfortunately, I'm all about peace and love.
Does it have to be a Ford? I'm a Holden man.
Fjord, dude, like in Fiordland.
Oh, I wondered why te Waka a Maui's Utu was paddling up a Ford looking for the lost Patu of Tane to defeat the Hammer of Thor.
Shh.
So the berserkers, they drop from the cliff, on to a waka and have a battle sequence.
And if you're playing a Maori god, you use a taiaha And if you're playing a Norse god, you use an axe.
That's right.
Ah, but all the Norse guy has to do is chop out the bottom of the waka, and then it'll sink.
Unless a Ngai Tahu submarine surfaces and rescues the Maori warriors.
No, no, no, no, no, no! When you fullas are ready, there's a thing that needs to be sorted.
We shall talk after my ascension.
It will be good for our peoples to co-exist on a creative level.
I'll change in the bathroom.
Mm-hm.
Te dunny a Maui.
Don't you dare think about doing this game without us, all right? You don't get to be Maori these days without knowing a couple of kick-ass copyright lawyers.
I'm gonna be very late to this ceremony because of you.
I need a favour.
For you, my mortal brother, anything that is in my power.
I need you to do your Bragi thing on Dawn.
But you hate me doing that.
I know, but I can't think of You mean coming back to work for me, right? If that's what it takes, yes.
But you hate her working for me.
I hate the idea of her leaving more.
Why do you need me to do this? Why can't you just 'woo' her into staying? An unfortunate side effect of me losing my godliness is that Dawn has wiped me from her memory banks.
Oh, that is genius! And she She has no idea who you are? To her I'm your brother she's vaguely heard about, who turned up on her doorstep for the first time today and made a dick of himself.
Oh no! Oh, this is, uh Oh, this is too good.
Are you gonna help me or not? As I said before, Ty, for you, I will do absolutely everything that is in my power.
OK, I am on a bit of a timeline here, so this will not take long.
Can you put in a good word for me? Are you now asking me to abuse my powers so you can get your end away? That's morally dodgy but for you, bro Eh? Hi, Dawn.
I do not care, Anders, if your dick is falling off.
I have had a gutsful of you and your family today.
What is wrong with your brother? What was that all about? Forget him he's the special-needs kid of the family.
I just wanna say one thing.
What? You should think, Dawn, about what was really going on when you decided to quit your job.
But you fired me.
You were upset and feeling threatened, but there was no need.
It was all a storm in a teacup.
You know what'd be wonderful? You could see your mistake, be big enough to change your mind, and come back to where you will always be the only one I can truly rely on.
Will you do that for me, Dawn? Will you forget this whole 'moving to Putaruru to look after your mum' nonsense and come back to me? My mum was actually quite chuffed I need you too Dawn.
I need you more than anyone else alive.
Um, yeah, sure.
I'll be in tomorrow.
Love you heaps.
Oh, and one more thing my brother Ty, he's not such a bad guy, once you get to know him.
But there is one thing you should be aware of about him.
OK, right.
OK.
See you at the office.
All good.
And I did your groundwork for you, so don't worry.
Home, James.
Come on, Leon.
My bride awaits.
It won't start.
Turn the key.
He is turning the key, Jerome.
Get out and fix it, then, eh? And get grease all over my hired suit? Nah! Punga, call us a taxi.
What, are we made of money now? Is there a problem? No, no, no.
Nah, we're, um We're good.
Any chance of a lift? Does Maui want a lift? Oh, come on, Jerome.
Don't be a muzz.
A, uh A lift would be an acceptable show of goodwill between our peoples.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
I don't wanna be late.
You really don't know anything about goddesses, do you? This is ridiculous.
I made these for us to wear for Gaia.
It's her day, not yours.
We're wearing them because you never found out you were a goddess for years, so you never had a 'day'.
That is so untrue.
Olaf will so get off on this look.
It's for Gaia, Stacey.
For Gaia! Choice.
Like Cinderella on acid.
And before you slam the door in my face, can I please say how sorry I am about before? It was a stupid joke that Anders put me up to, and it was wrong, and I never should have done it.
So by way of an apology, I I don't think so.
Dawn.
And I'll fight today.
You're quite late.
Yes, I am.
And I will just get changed and then we will be on our way.
Or we could skip it, stay here.
Uh, I think our presence is required.
Oh, we don't need them.
- Odin and Frigg - Wet and wetter.
They have nothing compared to what you and I have, and if they choose to call our power to account, then so be it.
Because we shall prevail.
You been drinking? I've been thinking, Anders, about what you said all that creme brulee shit.
And you are wrong.
Thousands of years of existence leading to now cannot be cast aside because you are having adjustment anxiety.
Idun and Bragi, Bragi and Idun.
I will not let you deny what we are.
Not until you've seen the heights that we can climb together.
OK.
Just Will you hold that thought? Hello? It's Natalie.
Uh, hi, Natalie.
Come on up.
Two minutes to get rid of her, we go to this thing, and we'll talk after.
As you command, My Lord Bragi.
Natalie! Maybe where you come from this passes as humour Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in proelio contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium.
I have no idea what you're saying.
It's the prayer to St Michael the Archangel.
Ironically, I went to a very Catholic girl's school.
You need to leave now.
What's the exorcism prayer for? Because he is a demon who must be driven from the world.
Oh, come on, that's a bit harsh.
And I will destroy your high places and cut down your images and cast your carcasses upon the carcasses of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.
If this is about me not remembering you from Norway, I am There is only one God, and Anders and his kind are abominations who must be cleansed from the Earth.
I think she knows you're a god, Anders.
Oh, and actually, you'll find there are two gods in this very room.
Idun.
And proud of it.
So you should put your little bow-and-arrow gun down and go back to whatever cult of religious whackjobs sent you here and let them know that we are real and that we know the truth.
Ashtoreth.
Holy fuck! Oh! This is a good place.
I can feel my ancestors talking to me through my feet.
Through your arse, more like.
She said to go to where the land meets the water.
The edge.
And then what? Well, I guess we wait.
For goddesses? Settle in, boys.
Tai ka riri.
Tai ka ruu.
Wiri wiri ana te ao.
OK! Hurry! Not much time! Takarure rure nei ee.
OK! Lovely, lovely haka, boys.
Thank you, but excuse us if we don't go the full protocol.
Uh, is everybody here? Uh, we're waiting on Anders, who is presumably has Helen with him.
And Ty.
Ty's not a god any more.
What?! Why does no one ever tell me this stuff? You look beautiful.
Thank you, Jerome.
Yeah, really beautiful.
Thank you, Axl.
We got you a birthday present.
It's not much, but Happy birthday.
Oh, thanks.
No, no.
Nah.
Nah.
What did you get her? Shut up.
Garden vouchers cool.
They, uh They symbolise Papatuanuku.
He's good.
Were you going to tell me about your role in Ty's change of status? I thought he should be the one giving you the good news.
Do you have a problem with it? Yeah, I do, actually.
It's what he wanted.
There's a bigger picture.
Oh shit, who invited him? Greetings, haere mai to you gods and would-be gods of all sizes, shapes, genders and hues.
Who's this cock? Loki.
But 'cock' covers it.
And there they are my favourite couple.
Do you know you've gone internet viral? I'll fucking kill you! You hear me? Hey! Hey! I will ruin you! No! No! No! No! Stop this! Right now! Do you hear me? This is about Gaia.
It is her day, and I will not have it ruined by gods killing other gods! Now, do you hear me?! Hmm? Right.
The ceremony is about to begin.
Excuse me.
Are those, um? Are they sacred scrolls? It's an astrological chart from the web Gaia's time of birth.
Oh.
Music.
We must immerse now.
In there? Yes.
May the blessings of Rangi rain down upon you, my Papatuanuku.
Uh, petals.
Petals.
Wow, Anders does not look happy.
Mad Christian psycho bitch who wants to kill us all! What? Insane Bible-quoting, uh, woman Natalie with a fucking crossbow, fucking shot Helen through the fucking heart! She is dead! Fuck! She killed Idun? Yes! Right in front of my eyes! Ohhh.
Not good.
Why? Constant goddess.
No, why kill Helen? She was trying to kill me, then she killed Helen first, so I got the fuck out of there! And you came here? Yes, to warn you! Oh, great work, Anders! We can't stop the ceremony.
Uh, stay here.
Do not follow me.
Maybe we should just flag this.
No.
We must know.
No, the light is almost upon you.
Who are you? You're his brother.
Yes.
Abomination.
Which one are you? I'm Ullr.
Thus saith the Lord God, smite with thine hand and alas for the evil abominations shall fall BOOM! I love how they pause to quote scripture before the kill makes them sitting ducks.
Who was she? A god-hunter, Mikkel.
One of those who feel we mess with the unnatural order of things.
Clearly your dipshit brother blundering around the north has alerted them to our presence here.
Well done, the Johnsons! In fact, on behalf of all non-Johnson gods here in NZ, I should wipe your miserable family off the face of the planet, save the god-hunters the trouble.
No.
Ah.
Here she is the most powerful goddess in town.
You bet your arse I am.
And don't I know it, even if he doesn't.
But fair call.
Come on let's get back.
We'll miss the best bit.
Ooh, and do remember you owe me your life.
You still wanna kill me? More than ever.
Where's the gratitude that's what I want to know.
This is way more choice than mine was in the garden shed.
And behold a new goddess walks among us.
What? My Lord Bragi, it is I, Idun.
I have returned.
I am yours.
Oh, damn.
OK, what just happened? The constant goddess.
Which means?! Uh, we cannot survive without an Idun.
And when the Helen one got killed, her spirit kind of jumped the queue.
And whose prophecy was it that she should be Frigg? Oh, that's right the giants and dwarves, and they know everything about everything.
Well done again, you Johnsons! Bugger.
My Lord?
And for her, you'd renounce your god powers? All right, bring him back.
I said, 'Bring him back'! What the hell are you doing? I wanna try something and I don't want him to see it.
Oh! Behold, she has power over death.
Damn, my favourite god-on-goddess porn channel off the air.
He set you up to take this bar so he could watch us and listen.
I'm gonna kill him.
She's gonna be Frigg? No, Papatuanuku.
Tomorrow I turn 21 and one of two things happens I turn into this goddess or that goddess.
I then spend the rest of time with either you, whom I do love, or Jerome.
Did you just say you love me? Whoo! Oh, where are you going? The shower.
Then work, to make the world safe for capitalism through PR.
No.
Not yet, you're not.
Huh? Oh.
Just forget about it, Mike.
Doesn't it make you sick to know that he was watching us the whole time? Or you could imagine Colin insane with jealousy, watching the awesome sex he's missing out on.
Fine.
Can we never leave this bed? Works for me.
I can cope with that.
Except to eat, obviously.
What are you doing here? Making sure you're OK.
Plus, for reasons I'm not entirely clear of, Mike's girlfriend hit me over the head with The Stick.
So I woke up here.
I told you, it was an accident.
Mm.
So, how does it feel to be mortal all over again? Happy birthday.
Can we pretend it's not real yet? Yeah.
I can cope with that.
OK, coming in, decent or not.
Because today is goddess day.
Zeb, you shouldn't have.
F for Frigg.
And Freki.
Actual gold, cos Frigg digs gold.
Maybe Odin could get you the bracelet it off, seeing he didn't get you anything.
I said, I've been a bit busy.
Yet somehow I found time to get kidnapped by a giant and shop.
I told Axl I didn't want anything.
Besides, it's not like it's certain I'll be Frigg.
I reckon if that's you want, then that's what you'll be.
Which kinda leads me to I've never been invited to any god ceremony ever.
But surely, this one.
I mean, you guys are my flatmates.
Sure.
I don't see a problem with that.
Yes! You're totally gonna get Frigg.
I'll go.
We've come for our girl.
Hi, Stacey.
Come, we're away.
Are we? Yes! You won't need anything it's all sorted.
What is? Trust me don't question her.
Where are we going? Somewhere sacred.
Goddess sacred.
Of course you are.
See you guys soon.
Him - yes; him - no.
Eh? No mortals allowed.
They said I could come.
Well, they were wrong.
The arrival of a goddess is the most holy of ceremonies and will not be defiled by the presence of a mortal.
I'll sit at the back and be quiet.
No, you won't, because you won't be there.
Sorry, Zeb.
Is there some sort of after-party I can come to? No! So close.
Come to throw an old man out on the street, have you? You're not that old.
To what do I owe this charity? I need you to answer a question.
Dietary fibre.
What? That's the answer to everything a decent crap once a day.
How do I kill Loki? Loki cannot be killed, just as Ullr cannot be killed, just as Kvasir cannot be killed OK, OK, I get the picture.
Your question is moot and idiotic.
How do I kill the vessel currently containing Loki? Gun, knife, dodgy seafood.
Vessels are vessels; they come and go, they're human, they're frail.
He knows I'm coming, and he's more powerful than me.
How do I nullify Colin's powers? Loki is all about fire.
What defeats fire? Water.
And the closest thing you've got to water? Ice.
You don't have to worry about me getting in your way.
You're fine.
You've got mortal things to be going on with.
Like claiming Dawn.
I'm not going to 'claim' her; I'm going to woo her.
Woo? Yes.
To win her.
OK.
Well, good luck with that.
Thanks.
Do I need to list all the indignities, pain and suffering I have endured for you and your stupid god family? Please don't.
And now I don't even get an invite to my flatmate's 21st.
It's not what you'd call a standard 21st, Zeb.
But it still sucks.
When you are Odin, I want you to turn me into Freki.
The actual Freki, as in wolf, so I can bite people.
Serious arse-biting when I'm Freki that's what I'll be about.
Oh, hey guys.
Freki dog.
We've come for our goddess.
Not here.
She's off with her goddesses, doing stuff only goddesses are allowed.
Are you hiding her from me, on this, our day? Uh, no, and this has still yet to be proven to be 'your' day.
Well, she needs to be with her people.
She is with her people, apparently.
No, she's not.
I thought you were that.
Apart from us.
Well, clearly apart from us, Leon.
Well, it turns out I'm only part of her people.
I thought I was part of her people too, but not even close.
Look, she has other people and is with them.
Can we just leave it at that? But Maui needs his Papatuanuku.
OK, even playing along with the whole Papatuanuku idea for a second, she's still not here.
Could you maybe call her on the telephone? It would be good for Jerome to know that she is safe.
Yes.
Yes, it would.
Fine, whatever.
But they're probably in the middle of full-on goddess stuff.
Hi.
Hey.
It's me.
Uh, where are you? At a secret location Ingrid has sworn me to keep secret.
Yeah, that's kinda what I told them.
Which 'them'? Let me talk to her.
This 'them'.
My destiny.
Oh, hey, Jerome.
There is contemplation we need to do together before we become father and mother to our people.
Is there? Michele wants to speak to you.
Which one is she? Uh, the one whose goddess name no one can pronounce.
OK, Maui boy, you might be cute, but until this afternoon, she is ours, and if you change that, I will break you in half.
Kei te pai? Ae.
Ka pai.
We will wait here until she returns.
But she's not coming back.
Look, I don't trust you, Norseman.
I'm from Hawke's Bay.
So, we shall wait.
I need your help to deal to Loki.
When you say 'deal to'? After everything he has done to this family, he needs to be stopped.
And according to Kvasir, you're the man for the job.
Did Michele tell you about last night? No.
If you're looking for Hod to help you out, I'm not him any more.
Bullshit! I found a way, Mike.
We were supposed to talk before you did anything! An opportunity arose.
No.
We had a deal.
Mike, I'm the happiest I've been since I turned 21.
Sorry if it's in the way of your revenge fantasy, but can you not just? This is not about me; this is about the danger he poses to our family.
Don't try and turn this into something noble; you're pissed off because Colin got his rocks off watching you boink his ex-girlfriend.
What he does attacks all of us, the family that you just betrayed.
'Betrayed'? Get a grip.
You just turned your back on all of us.
Get used to being alone.
And this is exactly the sort of shit I will not miss! How'd it go with the oil guys? Consider them well and truly drilled.
Oh! I knew you'd do the business.
Can I have my chair back now? Um, that depends.
On what? Whether you'll drill me as well.
Wow, classy double entendre there.
We have just landed hundreds of thousands of dollars of work.
Don't you wanna celebrate? This is good tea.
What is it? Tea bag.
Gaia buys it.
So I shall look forward to drinking it every morning, with Gaia making it for me.
Good luck with that fantasy, given that she was in my bed this morning.
Today everything changes.
Or it stays the same.
Hey, where do you guys stand on the whole 'mortals at the ceremony' thing? I'll bet you'll take your non-god followers with you, right? No.
Zeb, they're not taking you with them.
You're not even a Maori.
In fact, you shouldn't even be in the presence of the true gods of Aotearoa.
I live here.
Not today.
Begone.
You can't 'begone' me from my own flat.
Zeb, maybe you should take off.
I'll text you with how it goes.
Gee, thanks, mate! Way to make me feel real wanted! And to think I was the only one that got her an actual birthday present.
Leon, why don't you go do that thing? Oh, that thing that we talked heaps about? Yeah.
Yep.
It's a good idea, good idea, George.
You didn't get her a present either, eh? Sure, we did.
Tea? Hmm? No.
Something stronger? I'm OK.
Nice flowers.
They just arrived - no note.
I thought they might be from you.
Why would I send you flowers? As an apology, followed by a retraction.
No, wasn't me.
So, what brings you to my house, Anders, for the first time ever? It can't be.
I feel like I've been here many times.
Yet you haven't.
Dawn, can I ask you a question? I was at the office and thinking about this question, but you weren't there to ask.
That would be because you fired me.
As a woman, what is an acceptable level of sex in a relationship? Excuse me? As a woman who's been in relationships, how often a day, as a woman, you could say, before it's nymphomania? I mean, I got nothing against nymphomania as an affliction in women it's much more appealing than having one giant eyebrow - but it is really hard work.
My dick hurts, Dawn.
It really really hurts.
The best thing, Anders, about losing my job, is that I no longer have to put up with your crap.
You don't know the answer, do you? You can go now.
You, out.
I've taken enough shit from the Johnsons for today, so I'm drinking my beer whether you like it or not.
Then sit in the corner and drink.
I can do that.
Did you know about Ty? Becoming an ex-god? Did you not think to tell me? Well, this is the first time I've seen you since last night.
Were you a part of it? Up until the point where your girlfriend felled me with Yggdrasil, yes.
She what? It's claimed it was an accident, but I have my doubts.
Mike, I have never seen Ty happier.
What about we're a family of gods? Well, now Ty is just the kid who's a little bit different from the rest.
I can't believe you went along with it.
Hey, I was intrigued to see if what Kvasir said would work would work.
Kvasir.
Of course.
He asked me a question; I answered it.
I don't make the rules.
He put you up to it, didn't he? 'He' who? Loki.
Don't you think it's a wee bit coincidental at the same time he's telling me we need Hod to kill Loki, he's telling Ty how not to be Hod any more? OK, Mike, you need to step back.
We're not the killing kind.
Whoa, underground cavern under the bar-very godlike.
Hey, man, I'm Zeb.
Out! Out! Out! Hey! What did I do? In our history, there have always been those gods more likely to snap and take out everybody around them with an assault rifle.
Thanks for that wisdom, Kvasir.
You're welcome.
Ah! Eh? You know I've got about a thousand ice-boy jokes that'll go unused now? Oh.
Sorry.
I forgive you.
And I am truly happy for you.
Thank you.
Unlike Mike, who thinks I have defiled family honour.
Mike needs to get over himself.
Hey, when you were with Helen, what was it like? Um, brief.
As in not together long.
Yeah, but in that time, did you ever find her pushy and demanding? Don't get me wrong, there's a lot about Helen that sets her apart from others.
That she's a goddess? That she's up for anything, any time, anywhere.
Which is the problem, cos I'm the kind of guy that likes things on my terms.
You know what I mean? I'm your brother - yeah, I know.
Yeah, so when I wake up and realise that she's making plans for the two of us, my sphincter it clenches.
And not in a good way.
Idun and Bragi are destined to be together what did you expect? Does this look like Asgard? I mean, maybe later when Axl gets his Frigg on, things'll change, but we will cross that bridge when we come to it.
Destined, Anders.
And I can live with that, but on my terms.
Your idea of being together is different to Helen's.
Mm-hm.
And she needs to be told that.
And she will not take it well.
Hey, which one of us here is the god of sweet-talk? Mm-hm.
Seriously? You got the earth mother gardening vouchers? Hey, you try shopping for Papatuanuku it's not easy, man.
Yeah, but vouchers? Everybody loves vouchers it means you can get what you want.
Yeah, wasting you, paleface! Not yet, not-as-pale-as-me face.
Why play this? You suck at this.
Hey, Maui doesn't suck at anything.
Because Maui is a trickster, waiting and lulling while I strike! Yeah! Taste my Maori power, invader! Hey, you know what'd be cool? You not distracting me? If there was a Maori gods versus Norse gods video game.
That would be awesome and educational.
I get it Mike, I get your pride is hurt, but Loki is the one god we do not wanna go to war with.
So we're to let him treat us like a bunch of nobodies? Because next to him, we are a bunch of nobodies.
Our powers are piss-weak compared to his.
Until Axl gets his powers.
I suspect when that day comes, we will cease to be the Johnsons and become a bunch of gods fighting among ourselves, which is not a lot different, just more amped.
You will be Ullr, the pretender to the throne; I will be Baldr, coolest god ever; and Loki will still be an arsehole.
Don't fight the natural order, Mike, because the natural order is the natural order.
Hi.
OK, I'm just gonna come out and say this, because I'm sure if I think about it, it'll all come out wrong.
I don't want us to be just friends, Dawn.
I'm sick of that torture, because I love you.
After all that we've been through, I love you more than ever, and I want us to spend the rest of our lives together, starting with that holiday that we never had and which I've booked just the two of us, sun and cocktails with little umbrellas, somewhere so very warm.
Can we do that? Can Can we start over again? Sorry, who are you? Sorry? Who are you? I'm Ty.
The only Ty I know of is my ex-boss' brother.
Yes.
Who I've never met.
What? Did Anders talk to you about me? No, only about his sore dick.
Did Anders send you to do this? No.
Dawn, it's me Ty.
Anders' brother yes, got that.
Does he think that a holiday will make him firing me somehow feel better? Why the hell would I wanna go on holiday with a man I've never met, especially one who starts spouting how much he loves me, on my doorstep, the first time I lay eyes on him? What kind of fucked-up behaviour is that? Tell Anders thanks, but no, thanks.
You've been busy.
If I'm going to become a hugely powerful goddess today, I should have something nice to wear.
Fair enough.
Where have you been? Do you need to know where I've been? Not if you don't want to tell me.
Good.
Glad we've got that sorted.
Oh, hey, I've been thinking.
Ooh! Is that so? Uh, about us.
I guessed as much from the way that you said, 'I've been thinking' in the tone that usually precedes, 'and I think we should call it a day.
' No, no, no.
No way.
But I do think it wouldn't hurt if we took a step back for a minute.
Step back? From what? Is there a ledge we're standing on? OK.
Don't get me wrong the last few days have been the most amazing, most intense relationship I've ever had, and I most definitely do not want it to end.
Uh, it's OK, think of it like this you go to the most amazing restaurant, you have the most amazing meal, and to top it off, you have the most amazing creme brulee.
In fact, it is so amazing you order a second creme brulee.
But here's the thing halfway through the second creme brulee you stop, and you think, 'Oh, no, that's too much of a good thing.
' You see what I mean? I'm a second creme brulee? No, we're each other's second creme brulee.
Which is why I think we need to take a break between courses.
So that when we are together it'll be this rare and beautiful and special thing.
Like the first creme brulee? Exactly.
This is good, Helen trust me.
If we can get this right, then who knows what the future will hold for us? I'm gonna go home and get ready for this thing.
Absolutely.
If today is about us goddesses all being beautiful and strong together Which it is.
How come Helen goddess isn't here? Well, she's new to the rank, so she hasn't fully been incorporated yet.
You forgot to invite her.
Plus she's a bitch.
No, I'm sure she's not.
You hate her because she's more powerful than you.
Or so she thinks.
True that.
What do you mean? Whatever happens today, Gaia whether you become Frigg or you go to the brown side I want you to remember No, none of that stuff today, Michele.
I want you to remember that in us, you have allies.
Why will I need allies? Oracle Ingrid? In a world of gods, it's always good to have allies.
Is it too early to have a drink? No! Another one, thanks.
I told you we're closing.
Oh, of course.
I'm not allowed to go to the thing, I can't go home, I can't go down to the cool dungeon, I can't stay here talk about feeling wanted! Aw, let him stay, Mike.
How much can one runt drink while we're gone? Oh, and if you're thinking of going to the thing, you're his kind now.
She didn't know me.
Who? Dawn.
She had absolutely no idea who I was.
I meant nothing to her.
Tell me about it, buddy.
I know that feeling in bucketloads.
Wait.
Zeb, do you know who this man is? No.
It's Ty.
Oh.
As in your brother? Intriguing.
He's not a god why should I answer bloody questions about him? He means nothing to us.
Because I'm a god and I'm asking.
How come no one remembers Ty? Well, you remember him, don't you? Yes.
So what does it matter? It matters to me! The only thing that made him matter was that he was a god.
And now he's not a god, he doesn't matter! Not to them, anyway.
What 'them'? The billions that aren't us the insects.
Mortals? Gone poof! Forgotten.
But Dawn didn't know I was a god.
Oh, yes, she did.
Deep down in that part of her brain that used to worship us, that used to use us to explain their primitive world, she recognized you as a god.
They all do.
But then, when you stopped being a god, their ape brains can't cope with that fundamental shift, and so they just delete you.
Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete.
Whereas to us you will forever be the traitor that turned on his own kind.
Why didn't you tell me any of this? You didn't ask.
Hey! Hey! Argh! Baldr! Baldr! As much as this would make the world a better place right now, unfortunately, I'm all about peace and love.
Does it have to be a Ford? I'm a Holden man.
Fjord, dude, like in Fiordland.
Oh, I wondered why te Waka a Maui's Utu was paddling up a Ford looking for the lost Patu of Tane to defeat the Hammer of Thor.
Shh.
So the berserkers, they drop from the cliff, on to a waka and have a battle sequence.
And if you're playing a Maori god, you use a taiaha And if you're playing a Norse god, you use an axe.
That's right.
Ah, but all the Norse guy has to do is chop out the bottom of the waka, and then it'll sink.
Unless a Ngai Tahu submarine surfaces and rescues the Maori warriors.
No, no, no, no, no, no! When you fullas are ready, there's a thing that needs to be sorted.
We shall talk after my ascension.
It will be good for our peoples to co-exist on a creative level.
I'll change in the bathroom.
Mm-hm.
Te dunny a Maui.
Don't you dare think about doing this game without us, all right? You don't get to be Maori these days without knowing a couple of kick-ass copyright lawyers.
I'm gonna be very late to this ceremony because of you.
I need a favour.
For you, my mortal brother, anything that is in my power.
I need you to do your Bragi thing on Dawn.
But you hate me doing that.
I know, but I can't think of You mean coming back to work for me, right? If that's what it takes, yes.
But you hate her working for me.
I hate the idea of her leaving more.
Why do you need me to do this? Why can't you just 'woo' her into staying? An unfortunate side effect of me losing my godliness is that Dawn has wiped me from her memory banks.
Oh, that is genius! And she She has no idea who you are? To her I'm your brother she's vaguely heard about, who turned up on her doorstep for the first time today and made a dick of himself.
Oh no! Oh, this is, uh Oh, this is too good.
Are you gonna help me or not? As I said before, Ty, for you, I will do absolutely everything that is in my power.
OK, I am on a bit of a timeline here, so this will not take long.
Can you put in a good word for me? Are you now asking me to abuse my powers so you can get your end away? That's morally dodgy but for you, bro Eh? Hi, Dawn.
I do not care, Anders, if your dick is falling off.
I have had a gutsful of you and your family today.
What is wrong with your brother? What was that all about? Forget him he's the special-needs kid of the family.
I just wanna say one thing.
What? You should think, Dawn, about what was really going on when you decided to quit your job.
But you fired me.
You were upset and feeling threatened, but there was no need.
It was all a storm in a teacup.
You know what'd be wonderful? You could see your mistake, be big enough to change your mind, and come back to where you will always be the only one I can truly rely on.
Will you do that for me, Dawn? Will you forget this whole 'moving to Putaruru to look after your mum' nonsense and come back to me? My mum was actually quite chuffed I need you too Dawn.
I need you more than anyone else alive.
Um, yeah, sure.
I'll be in tomorrow.
Love you heaps.
Oh, and one more thing my brother Ty, he's not such a bad guy, once you get to know him.
But there is one thing you should be aware of about him.
OK, right.
OK.
See you at the office.
All good.
And I did your groundwork for you, so don't worry.
Home, James.
Come on, Leon.
My bride awaits.
It won't start.
Turn the key.
He is turning the key, Jerome.
Get out and fix it, then, eh? And get grease all over my hired suit? Nah! Punga, call us a taxi.
What, are we made of money now? Is there a problem? No, no, no.
Nah, we're, um We're good.
Any chance of a lift? Does Maui want a lift? Oh, come on, Jerome.
Don't be a muzz.
A, uh A lift would be an acceptable show of goodwill between our peoples.
Yes, please.
Thank you.
I don't wanna be late.
You really don't know anything about goddesses, do you? This is ridiculous.
I made these for us to wear for Gaia.
It's her day, not yours.
We're wearing them because you never found out you were a goddess for years, so you never had a 'day'.
That is so untrue.
Olaf will so get off on this look.
It's for Gaia, Stacey.
For Gaia! Choice.
Like Cinderella on acid.
And before you slam the door in my face, can I please say how sorry I am about before? It was a stupid joke that Anders put me up to, and it was wrong, and I never should have done it.
So by way of an apology, I I don't think so.
Dawn.
And I'll fight today.
You're quite late.
Yes, I am.
And I will just get changed and then we will be on our way.
Or we could skip it, stay here.
Uh, I think our presence is required.
Oh, we don't need them.
- Odin and Frigg - Wet and wetter.
They have nothing compared to what you and I have, and if they choose to call our power to account, then so be it.
Because we shall prevail.
You been drinking? I've been thinking, Anders, about what you said all that creme brulee shit.
And you are wrong.
Thousands of years of existence leading to now cannot be cast aside because you are having adjustment anxiety.
Idun and Bragi, Bragi and Idun.
I will not let you deny what we are.
Not until you've seen the heights that we can climb together.
OK.
Just Will you hold that thought? Hello? It's Natalie.
Uh, hi, Natalie.
Come on up.
Two minutes to get rid of her, we go to this thing, and we'll talk after.
As you command, My Lord Bragi.
Natalie! Maybe where you come from this passes as humour Sancte Michael Archangele, defende nos in proelio contra nequitiam et insidias diaboli esto praesidium.
I have no idea what you're saying.
It's the prayer to St Michael the Archangel.
Ironically, I went to a very Catholic girl's school.
You need to leave now.
What's the exorcism prayer for? Because he is a demon who must be driven from the world.
Oh, come on, that's a bit harsh.
And I will destroy your high places and cut down your images and cast your carcasses upon the carcasses of your idols, and my soul shall abhor you.
If this is about me not remembering you from Norway, I am There is only one God, and Anders and his kind are abominations who must be cleansed from the Earth.
I think she knows you're a god, Anders.
Oh, and actually, you'll find there are two gods in this very room.
Idun.
And proud of it.
So you should put your little bow-and-arrow gun down and go back to whatever cult of religious whackjobs sent you here and let them know that we are real and that we know the truth.
Ashtoreth.
Holy fuck! Oh! This is a good place.
I can feel my ancestors talking to me through my feet.
Through your arse, more like.
She said to go to where the land meets the water.
The edge.
And then what? Well, I guess we wait.
For goddesses? Settle in, boys.
Tai ka riri.
Tai ka ruu.
Wiri wiri ana te ao.
OK! Hurry! Not much time! Takarure rure nei ee.
OK! Lovely, lovely haka, boys.
Thank you, but excuse us if we don't go the full protocol.
Uh, is everybody here? Uh, we're waiting on Anders, who is presumably has Helen with him.
And Ty.
Ty's not a god any more.
What?! Why does no one ever tell me this stuff? You look beautiful.
Thank you, Jerome.
Yeah, really beautiful.
Thank you, Axl.
We got you a birthday present.
It's not much, but Happy birthday.
Oh, thanks.
No, no.
Nah.
Nah.
What did you get her? Shut up.
Garden vouchers cool.
They, uh They symbolise Papatuanuku.
He's good.
Were you going to tell me about your role in Ty's change of status? I thought he should be the one giving you the good news.
Do you have a problem with it? Yeah, I do, actually.
It's what he wanted.
There's a bigger picture.
Oh shit, who invited him? Greetings, haere mai to you gods and would-be gods of all sizes, shapes, genders and hues.
Who's this cock? Loki.
But 'cock' covers it.
And there they are my favourite couple.
Do you know you've gone internet viral? I'll fucking kill you! You hear me? Hey! Hey! I will ruin you! No! No! No! No! Stop this! Right now! Do you hear me? This is about Gaia.
It is her day, and I will not have it ruined by gods killing other gods! Now, do you hear me?! Hmm? Right.
The ceremony is about to begin.
Excuse me.
Are those, um? Are they sacred scrolls? It's an astrological chart from the web Gaia's time of birth.
Oh.
Music.
We must immerse now.
In there? Yes.
May the blessings of Rangi rain down upon you, my Papatuanuku.
Uh, petals.
Petals.
Wow, Anders does not look happy.
Mad Christian psycho bitch who wants to kill us all! What? Insane Bible-quoting, uh, woman Natalie with a fucking crossbow, fucking shot Helen through the fucking heart! She is dead! Fuck! She killed Idun? Yes! Right in front of my eyes! Ohhh.
Not good.
Why? Constant goddess.
No, why kill Helen? She was trying to kill me, then she killed Helen first, so I got the fuck out of there! And you came here? Yes, to warn you! Oh, great work, Anders! We can't stop the ceremony.
Uh, stay here.
Do not follow me.
Maybe we should just flag this.
No.
We must know.
No, the light is almost upon you.
Who are you? You're his brother.
Yes.
Abomination.
Which one are you? I'm Ullr.
Thus saith the Lord God, smite with thine hand and alas for the evil abominations shall fall BOOM! I love how they pause to quote scripture before the kill makes them sitting ducks.
Who was she? A god-hunter, Mikkel.
One of those who feel we mess with the unnatural order of things.
Clearly your dipshit brother blundering around the north has alerted them to our presence here.
Well done, the Johnsons! In fact, on behalf of all non-Johnson gods here in NZ, I should wipe your miserable family off the face of the planet, save the god-hunters the trouble.
No.
Ah.
Here she is the most powerful goddess in town.
You bet your arse I am.
And don't I know it, even if he doesn't.
But fair call.
Come on let's get back.
We'll miss the best bit.
Ooh, and do remember you owe me your life.
You still wanna kill me? More than ever.
Where's the gratitude that's what I want to know.
This is way more choice than mine was in the garden shed.
And behold a new goddess walks among us.
What? My Lord Bragi, it is I, Idun.
I have returned.
I am yours.
Oh, damn.
OK, what just happened? The constant goddess.
Which means?! Uh, we cannot survive without an Idun.
And when the Helen one got killed, her spirit kind of jumped the queue.
And whose prophecy was it that she should be Frigg? Oh, that's right the giants and dwarves, and they know everything about everything.
Well done again, you Johnsons! Bugger.
My Lord?