The Big C (2010) s02e13 Episode Script
Crossing the Line
Previously on The Big C I run marathons.
Started 12 years ago when I was first diagnosed.
These are for uncle Sean.
I hope he is okay and warm.
Random drug testing, courtesy of the man.
Your mom told me about your crabs, and I don't ever want to see you again.
Why did you call me? I wanted to say good-bye to my soul mate.
It is not your job to watch this man die.
You're telling me you're just willing to fuck this entire trip to Italy for Lee? We're your goddamn family.
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life I got the best sleep.
I-I love it when the-- you know, when the air is ice-cold and the covers are like a soft, warm cave.
Are you on something? You don't sound that torn up for someone who just watched their friend die in front of them.
Sean, it was amazing.
I mean, it was-- it was really sad.
But, you know, "life's last adventure," he called it, and he was right.
It made me not afraid of dying.
I can do it.
Are you trying to make a suicide pact with me? That's not cool.
No, it was really just the greatest gift he could have given me, letting me be there.
Yeah, of course that fucker would give you the gift no one else could top.
You being here is pretty great too.
Eww.
No, I missed you.
I was just gone three weeks.
You never told me where you went.
You would not believe me.
Come on.
Screw you.
I just walked along the highway.
I-I kept walking until I started thinking about how bad my feet hurt more than I was thinking about Rebecca, and I walked off the next exit.
And would you believe there was a traveling carnival set up in a parking lot of a storage unit facility? So I started working there.
You were a carny? It was the easiest job in the world to get.
Then one night, I was sleeping in the carny tent and I woke up to find my new best friend toothless t was trying to saw the toes off my foot with his Swiss Army knife, 'cause he said they were looking at him funny.
You are such a liar.
You're lying right now.
It's the truth! This is why I didn't say anything to you and I thought to myself, "Well, I may be crazy, but I ain't that crazy.
" I'm just-- I'm scared mostly.
And I'm running away.
And then I thought about you and I thought "If Cathy can stay put with all the shit that she's got going on, I can too.
" Wow.
I inspired you? Yeah, don't get a big head.
I was also freezing my testicles off.
Toes were bleeding.
Nuts were freezing.
I was really ready to get back.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot I got you something.
Ha! - A thingy! - Yeah.
Normally, you have to spend over 15 bucks to catch a floating duck with a gold star in its anus to get one of those.
- Throw it.
Throw it.
- Whoo! Come on.
Top of the mirror.
Oh! Too low.
I inspired Sean.
Wish I could inspire the airline lady to refund our Italy tickets.
Hey.
Aren't you supposed to be back at work today? I quit.
Really? Why? Because I couldn't stand the idea of my 20-year-old boss bitching at me all the time.
And it's almost a new year.
Out with the old and I'll find something else.
Well, it's not that easy.
So what? You disappointed in me? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just--are you sure this isn't your way of getting back at me for not going to Italy? No, it's my way of retaining my dignity.
I will find another way of getting back at you for not going to Italy.
You have a right to be mad.
Yeah, sure I do.
I'd like to be making lifetime memories with you on a gondola right now.
You know, Lee was training for the marathon up until the end.
I was thinking I'd like to do something like that, just to test myself, inspire somebody to do something they didn't think they could do, give my family something to cheer about so we can end this horseshit year on a high.
- What do you think? - About what? I want to run the Minneapolis New Year's Eve Marathon.
Why not? I run.
I run almost ten miles a week.
I mean, not all at the same time, but--what? I just--I can't predict your next moveever.
I feel like I'm playing chess with either a genius or a cheater.
And the hardest thing about all these decisions you make-- going to Lee instead of Italy, running the marathon-- is that they just keep on taking you further away from me.
Then meet me at the finish line, so I'll be running toward you.
Hey.
Hey, there's more pasta in the kitchen.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm carbo-loading.
I should have started running marathons earlier.
You know how much I love spaghetti.
Can I ask you something? Why I ruined Italy? Oh, no.
No, I don't care about that.
None of us even speak Italian.
Everyone over there would be like, "ba-ba-di-ba, bi-di-ba-di-ba," and we'd be like, "What?" I appreciate that.
- What's up? - Uh Mia invited me to her New Year's party.
I didn't know you two were talking.
- Yeah, texting.
- Whatever.
So she said she's, uh, maybe possibly considering sometime in the very distant future, forgiving me.
That's very big of her.
It's just gonna be her 15 friends and her parents are gonna chaperone.
Sounds great.
You should go.
Really? Even though your race is that day? The race starts at 8:00 in the morning.
If I'm still running at midnight, you should bring the entire party and boo me.
And Andrea's with her family, so you should go, be with your friends and Mia.
Awesome.
Thanks, mom.
Sure.
Daisy! Listen.
I wanted to talk to you about my New Year's resolution to get you to pay that bill that you retroactively denied, 'cause I had a collections agency call my house this morning.
That's dirty pool, Daisy.
Now just to reiterate This is the bill for the scan that you pre-approved.
'Cause if we'd have known that we were, you know, having to pay out of pocket, we would have opted out of the optional scan.
- Right? - Psst.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I hear you when you say that your hands are tied, but I need to tell you something.
My wife, who is running out of time, is also about to run a fucking marathon.
So I need you to do something extraordinary too.
Make it your New Year's resolution not to be a cunt.
Don't you hang up on me! To what do I owe the honor? Oh.
- Congratulations.
- Oh.
She's beautiful.
And smart.
And she works with kids with special needs and calls me on my shit, which it turns out I love.
Liz and I have been best friends forever.
She came into town for a visit and I knew right away that I didn't want her to leave.
So I proposed.
That is a bold move, Dr.
Mauer.
Well, you originated the bold move.
You know, monkey see, monkey do.
Oh, well, this is your engagement gift, monkey.
Now, the frame is really your gift.
Uh, the picture you can change out.
An X-ray? It's my mets.
They're shrinking, thanks to you.
That's the way you see it? Yeah! You got me into see Dr.
Sherman.
Dr.
Sherman got me into his trial, and now my tumors are shrinking.
You look good.
I feel good.
I'm gonna run the New Year's Eve Marathon.
- This year? - Mm-hmm.
How long you been training for this? Hardcore? About two days.
But I also-- I coach the swim team, so I also-- I work out with them.
Look, Cathy, this may not be why you came in, but medically, I would advise against this.
I really--I just came in to say congrats.
Even walking 26 miles for anyone, especially you-- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-- No, no, no, come on.
Don't do that, all right? You need to hear this.
Okay, look-- You know, it's funny.
I brought you up in my mind.
Your body's not gonna recover as fast as others.
I remember you as being so supportive.
You need to watch your sodium levels-- It's funny how the brain just plays tricks on you.
My friend just died in front me! And it was so clear when he was gone, because his body was just a body.
Now, I'm not gonna have this sucker forever.
But until it's gone, I'm gonna wear this body out.
Careful.
Sorry.
You think it means Mia wants to get back together? I sure as hell hope so.
You need a distraction.
That poppy character was starting to freak me out.
And people don't usually freak me out.
Ooh.
So now that you're back, what do you want to do? I mean, you could totally pimp this place out.
Hey, right now, I'm just composing my New Year's list of 2,012 totally terrific things about life.
Just things to keep me sane and still, old buddy.
Sane and still.
How many do you have so far? One.
Female pubic hair.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Women used to let their-- their follicles grow wild like nature intended.
I remember when going down on a woman was like snuggling open-mouthed with a baby lion.
- It was absolute delight.
- Oh, yuck.
Now it's like--I don't know-- licking a dolphin's blowhole.
- That's gross.
- Yeah, I'll say.
But you have remember, my philosophy comes from a deep respect for women, which is something you obviously need to work on.
Yeah, I know.
Just, when you go to your party tomorrow night, keep your pecker in your pants, okay? Okay.
Pecker in your pants! Yeah, okay.
Heard you.
Hi there.
Hi.
I'm wondering if you could help me.
I'd like to register for the marathon on Friday.
You have to register online.
Uh, I did that, but they said the registration was closed.
Yeah, that's because it's past the deadline.
Right.
Uhlook.
I-I kind of have a deadline too.
I have cancer.
So this is kind of my make-a-wish moment.
Sorry.
We mailed out all the numbers last week anyway.
Wow.
Is it possible you're, like, the one person on the planet who hasn't been affected by cancer? Does my plea evoke no sympathy from you? Rules are rules.
You should put that on your tombstone.
You'll impress a lot of people.
I'm just gonna borrow these.
Who are you? Hi.
Uh, I-I knew him.
- Taking his mail? - No.
'Cause, um, that's a federal offense even if he isdead.
Come on, Thomas.
It's pee-pee time.
It's cold, buddy.
Pee-pee time.
Ooh! Thomas! Shit! Just for that, I'm gonna fucking dump out all your treats.
Oh, God.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck me.
Paul? What are you doing? I just got a very little bit from Myk.
- Oh, God! - I know, honey.
That job just wasn't very good for me.
I was trying too hard to fit in with the young guys, I think.
Couldn't you have just started texting a lot? Yeah.
Paul, did you really quit or did you get fired for doing drugs? They asked me to take a random drug test, and so I left and I didn't go back.
You think I'm selfish for wanting to run a marathon? What is more selfish than doing drugs? You're right.
Maybe I should have offered you some.
You could have run faster.
- This is not funny.
- I know.
Adam could have found it.
This is not good for your health.
I mean, you're really-- you're not a kid anymore.
- No.
- I mean, do you think-- Do you think you have a-- an addiction? No, honey.
I mean, are-- Do you need some help? No.
No.
I swear, honey.
I'm not a cokehead.
Look, I'm just trying to cope.
I'm a copehead.
You know, I don't want you to worry about the bills, but they are stacking up.
You know, and I called the insurance lady a cunt and now I can't get her back on the phone.
I mean--hey! What are you doing? I'm staying.
Forget the marathon.
No.
How do you help someone come down from cocaine? - No.
- Coffee? No.
Absolutely not.
If I keep you from this, then I will really feel terrible.
Don't worry.
I was just finishing up what Myk gave me and now it's gone.
Okay, look, maybe there's a tiny bit left, but, you know, I'll throw it away.
Honey, go.
I will meet you at the finish line clean and sober.
You promise? Because I need you.
I promise.
And you can kick me in the balls when you get there.
I'd do it myself, but my legs don't bend that way.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm running the race.
I know I'm really late.
I got stuck at home.
I couldn't find a parking spot.
- So I was just wondering-- - Is your tag on? Yeah, it's, uh-- Oh, yeah, um.
I reg--all registered.
Uh, Lee Fallon.
Okay.
Your time starts when you cross the post.
Good luck, Lee.
That--that's all I have to do? Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Hey! What are you doing here? You kept me going.
I'm gonna keep you going.
Just think warm thoughts.
A crackling fire.
A thick, down-filled blanket.
Hot, steamy pussy.
Ooh, I got one.
When you try on a jacket you haven't worn in a while, you reach in the pocket and you find $20.
Totally terrific! Oh, when you cut a really wet fart and you're sure you shit your pants, and then you check and you didn't.
That's pretty terrific.
Adam? It's Dr.
Mauer.
Hey.
Did you come to see my mom? Yeah, yeah.
I support all my patients, but she's worth coming out in the cold for.
Yeah.
I think she's--she's one of the last ones.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's okay.
Did you always want to be a doctor or did your parents force you into it? No, I was always interested in science and chemistry.
Do doctors get a lot of tail? As much as we can stay awake for.
Number 47: Wheelchairs.
So brilliant, 'cause you don't have to use your feet.
Ow! If someone gave me a choice between peace on earth or a wheelchair right now, I'd take a wheelchair.
Ow! I'm--I'm out.
I'm done, Cath.
I can't do it.
No, you--you keep going.
If you stop now, you'll never start again.
- I'm already frozen here.
- Are you sure? Yeah, go.
I-- God, why didn't someone tell me to wear a bra? Oh, God! My-- The chafing is such a bitch.
It's like someone razored me in my boobies.
Go! Keep going! Go! - Okay.
- Go! Go, Cath! I'm sorry.
Daisy Martinez is away from her desk right now.
Oh, jeez.
Hey! Mile seven! Way to go! Mom! Mom.
You okay? Fine.
Oh, you came.
Oh, how sweet.
You're holding my hand.
You--you've got a slight arrhythmia.
I don't know about that, but I definitely have a cramp.
All right, well, let's-- let's sit down.
That or someone's trying to cut me in two with an axe.
All right, just come on over here, okay? - No.
- You need to sit down.
I can't.
I can't stop.
All right, Adam, would you grab one of those coconut waters? Yeah, totally.
Cathy, whatever it is you're trying to prove, you proved it, all right? You're strong.
You're amazing.
Fucking nuts.
We get it.
What's the worst thing that could happen? Your irregular heartbeat could cause cardiac arrest and you could die before you hit the finish line.
Eh.
I'm not giving up.
Well, then I guess I will.
All right, drink that.
That'll replenish your electrolytes.
Thanks.
And you, you should go to your party.
What? Are you sure? Yeah.
I'm not doing too well on time here.
Go.
Ring in the new year with Mia.
Have fun.
Okay.
I have to stop talking.
Change your socks when your blisters start bleeding through, okay? And, uh, keep a song in your head so you don't obsess about the cold.
Gotcha.
Can I ask you something else? Sure.
How much time do you think she has left? Statistically, someone with your mom's diagnosis could live anywhere from ten months to two years.
So what happens if the clinical trials stop working? The mets will start affecting her organs and her organ function.
In your mom's case, she might start having trouble breathing.
Will she stop remembering who we are and stuff? That could happen if a met forms in her brain, but from what I know of your mom's case, there's none there now.
Look, Adam There are people that just beat the odds.
Like, your mom is running--walking-- a marathon right now.
So who knows? We never know.
Ow, ow, ow.
Be forgot in days of auld lang syne should auld acquaintance be forgot Hello, yes, I have an appointment with Daisy Martinez.
Oh, really? Because we're closed.
Thank you so very much.
Hey, Happy New Year.
Hey, nice to see you.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year, everybody! Hey, has anybody seen Daisy? Do you know where Daisy is? Where's Dai-- No way! Daisy? Paul.
Jamison! We talked on the phone.
God.
I thought you were gonna be bigger and uglier.
I did.
Our offices are closed, Mr.
Jamison.
Oh, Daisy, please.
After all we've been through, call me Paul.
Come on.
Look.
This will not take long.
Look.
I am truly sorry about the word that I used on the phone with you, but I was just kind of hoping that maybe we could settle this thing in person.
Does anybody have a pen? I've answered your complaint.
Your problem is you just don't like my answer.
No, my problem is there's no humanness to it.
You fu-- Almost called that name again.
I can't help you, Paul.
I think you can, but I think you won't.
Look, Daisy and I are arguing over 2,700 bucks, which come to think of it, is probably about how much this shindig cost, you know? So you're welcome, everybody! But, uh, why don't I just leave you with something else to think about while you drink? You all work for a health insurance company, which means, no doubt, that you're probably covered by the same insurance.
Well, you better hope you don't get sick.
'Cause if you get Daisy and she, you know, hadn't had her coffee that day, and she decides to unapprove something she's already approved, you're fucked! She might be a lot of fun to drink with, but this chickie is a fickle fucker.
So drink to your health while you have it! Take a cab home tonight to your beautiful homes! I, on the other hand, probably have to sell my house, which really sucks! Because if she goes first, Daisy McFicklebitch, I'm gonna want to be able to live where she lived and still smell her in our room see the furniture the way she arranged it.
It's just a little something for you to think about as you bring in the New Year.
Now, if you'll just excu-- I got to go see a lady about a race.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
Right foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
Well, today-- Today, I ran a marathon.
That's what I did.
I ran a marathon.
What did you do on New Year's Eve? Damn, it's cold.
Hey! Why aren't you at your party? Well, the guy that I wanted to kiss at midnight had something much cooler to do.
And by cool, I mean freezing.
Look, Mia, I'm really sorry.
Your 400th text started to convince me.
Yeah, but I don't-- Please just go home and get warm.
I'm just gonna wait for my mom to show up and then I'll come find you.
I promise.
Okay.
But if it's not before midnight, you know, please, please don't kiss anybody else.
I do like it when you beg.
Please.
Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? And never brought to mind should auld should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne and here's a hand my trusty friend It's mom! - Come on, Cathy! - Yeah, mom! That's my sister! That's my sister! Crossing the finish line-- Totally terrific! Come on, Cath! - Come on, mom! - You're almost there, baby! - Come on, Cath! - Come on, mom! Jamison! Just a few more feet! - You're almost there! - You're almost there! Thank you.
Auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne - days of auld lang syne - Come on, Cath! You're almost there! Days of auld lang syne Do it, baby! You're right here! Should auld acquaintance Everybody came.
Yeah, except dad's not here yet.
Be brought to mind should auld should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne for auld for auld lang syne, my dear for auld ooh, for auld lang syne for auld lang syne, my dear for auld for auld lang syne we'll take we'll take a cup of kindness yet for days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne
Started 12 years ago when I was first diagnosed.
These are for uncle Sean.
I hope he is okay and warm.
Random drug testing, courtesy of the man.
Your mom told me about your crabs, and I don't ever want to see you again.
Why did you call me? I wanted to say good-bye to my soul mate.
It is not your job to watch this man die.
You're telling me you're just willing to fuck this entire trip to Italy for Lee? We're your goddamn family.
It's so hard to turn your life over step out of your comfort zone is this some kind of a joke? will someone wake me up soon? and tell me this was just a game we play called life I got the best sleep.
I-I love it when the-- you know, when the air is ice-cold and the covers are like a soft, warm cave.
Are you on something? You don't sound that torn up for someone who just watched their friend die in front of them.
Sean, it was amazing.
I mean, it was-- it was really sad.
But, you know, "life's last adventure," he called it, and he was right.
It made me not afraid of dying.
I can do it.
Are you trying to make a suicide pact with me? That's not cool.
No, it was really just the greatest gift he could have given me, letting me be there.
Yeah, of course that fucker would give you the gift no one else could top.
You being here is pretty great too.
Eww.
No, I missed you.
I was just gone three weeks.
You never told me where you went.
You would not believe me.
Come on.
Screw you.
I just walked along the highway.
I-I kept walking until I started thinking about how bad my feet hurt more than I was thinking about Rebecca, and I walked off the next exit.
And would you believe there was a traveling carnival set up in a parking lot of a storage unit facility? So I started working there.
You were a carny? It was the easiest job in the world to get.
Then one night, I was sleeping in the carny tent and I woke up to find my new best friend toothless t was trying to saw the toes off my foot with his Swiss Army knife, 'cause he said they were looking at him funny.
You are such a liar.
You're lying right now.
It's the truth! This is why I didn't say anything to you and I thought to myself, "Well, I may be crazy, but I ain't that crazy.
" I'm just-- I'm scared mostly.
And I'm running away.
And then I thought about you and I thought "If Cathy can stay put with all the shit that she's got going on, I can too.
" Wow.
I inspired you? Yeah, don't get a big head.
I was also freezing my testicles off.
Toes were bleeding.
Nuts were freezing.
I was really ready to get back.
Oh, yeah.
I forgot I got you something.
Ha! - A thingy! - Yeah.
Normally, you have to spend over 15 bucks to catch a floating duck with a gold star in its anus to get one of those.
- Throw it.
Throw it.
- Whoo! Come on.
Top of the mirror.
Oh! Too low.
I inspired Sean.
Wish I could inspire the airline lady to refund our Italy tickets.
Hey.
Aren't you supposed to be back at work today? I quit.
Really? Why? Because I couldn't stand the idea of my 20-year-old boss bitching at me all the time.
And it's almost a new year.
Out with the old and I'll find something else.
Well, it's not that easy.
So what? You disappointed in me? No, I'm not saying that.
I'm just--are you sure this isn't your way of getting back at me for not going to Italy? No, it's my way of retaining my dignity.
I will find another way of getting back at you for not going to Italy.
You have a right to be mad.
Yeah, sure I do.
I'd like to be making lifetime memories with you on a gondola right now.
You know, Lee was training for the marathon up until the end.
I was thinking I'd like to do something like that, just to test myself, inspire somebody to do something they didn't think they could do, give my family something to cheer about so we can end this horseshit year on a high.
- What do you think? - About what? I want to run the Minneapolis New Year's Eve Marathon.
Why not? I run.
I run almost ten miles a week.
I mean, not all at the same time, but--what? I just--I can't predict your next moveever.
I feel like I'm playing chess with either a genius or a cheater.
And the hardest thing about all these decisions you make-- going to Lee instead of Italy, running the marathon-- is that they just keep on taking you further away from me.
Then meet me at the finish line, so I'll be running toward you.
Hey.
Hey, there's more pasta in the kitchen.
Oh, no, that's okay.
I'm carbo-loading.
I should have started running marathons earlier.
You know how much I love spaghetti.
Can I ask you something? Why I ruined Italy? Oh, no.
No, I don't care about that.
None of us even speak Italian.
Everyone over there would be like, "ba-ba-di-ba, bi-di-ba-di-ba," and we'd be like, "What?" I appreciate that.
- What's up? - Uh Mia invited me to her New Year's party.
I didn't know you two were talking.
- Yeah, texting.
- Whatever.
So she said she's, uh, maybe possibly considering sometime in the very distant future, forgiving me.
That's very big of her.
It's just gonna be her 15 friends and her parents are gonna chaperone.
Sounds great.
You should go.
Really? Even though your race is that day? The race starts at 8:00 in the morning.
If I'm still running at midnight, you should bring the entire party and boo me.
And Andrea's with her family, so you should go, be with your friends and Mia.
Awesome.
Thanks, mom.
Sure.
Daisy! Listen.
I wanted to talk to you about my New Year's resolution to get you to pay that bill that you retroactively denied, 'cause I had a collections agency call my house this morning.
That's dirty pool, Daisy.
Now just to reiterate This is the bill for the scan that you pre-approved.
'Cause if we'd have known that we were, you know, having to pay out of pocket, we would have opted out of the optional scan.
- Right? - Psst.
Thank you.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
I hear you when you say that your hands are tied, but I need to tell you something.
My wife, who is running out of time, is also about to run a fucking marathon.
So I need you to do something extraordinary too.
Make it your New Year's resolution not to be a cunt.
Don't you hang up on me! To what do I owe the honor? Oh.
- Congratulations.
- Oh.
She's beautiful.
And smart.
And she works with kids with special needs and calls me on my shit, which it turns out I love.
Liz and I have been best friends forever.
She came into town for a visit and I knew right away that I didn't want her to leave.
So I proposed.
That is a bold move, Dr.
Mauer.
Well, you originated the bold move.
You know, monkey see, monkey do.
Oh, well, this is your engagement gift, monkey.
Now, the frame is really your gift.
Uh, the picture you can change out.
An X-ray? It's my mets.
They're shrinking, thanks to you.
That's the way you see it? Yeah! You got me into see Dr.
Sherman.
Dr.
Sherman got me into his trial, and now my tumors are shrinking.
You look good.
I feel good.
I'm gonna run the New Year's Eve Marathon.
- This year? - Mm-hmm.
How long you been training for this? Hardcore? About two days.
But I also-- I coach the swim team, so I also-- I work out with them.
Look, Cathy, this may not be why you came in, but medically, I would advise against this.
I really--I just came in to say congrats.
Even walking 26 miles for anyone, especially you-- Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah-- No, no, no, come on.
Don't do that, all right? You need to hear this.
Okay, look-- You know, it's funny.
I brought you up in my mind.
Your body's not gonna recover as fast as others.
I remember you as being so supportive.
You need to watch your sodium levels-- It's funny how the brain just plays tricks on you.
My friend just died in front me! And it was so clear when he was gone, because his body was just a body.
Now, I'm not gonna have this sucker forever.
But until it's gone, I'm gonna wear this body out.
Careful.
Sorry.
You think it means Mia wants to get back together? I sure as hell hope so.
You need a distraction.
That poppy character was starting to freak me out.
And people don't usually freak me out.
Ooh.
So now that you're back, what do you want to do? I mean, you could totally pimp this place out.
Hey, right now, I'm just composing my New Year's list of 2,012 totally terrific things about life.
Just things to keep me sane and still, old buddy.
Sane and still.
How many do you have so far? One.
Female pubic hair.
- Seriously? - Yeah.
Women used to let their-- their follicles grow wild like nature intended.
I remember when going down on a woman was like snuggling open-mouthed with a baby lion.
- It was absolute delight.
- Oh, yuck.
Now it's like--I don't know-- licking a dolphin's blowhole.
- That's gross.
- Yeah, I'll say.
But you have remember, my philosophy comes from a deep respect for women, which is something you obviously need to work on.
Yeah, I know.
Just, when you go to your party tomorrow night, keep your pecker in your pants, okay? Okay.
Pecker in your pants! Yeah, okay.
Heard you.
Hi there.
Hi.
I'm wondering if you could help me.
I'd like to register for the marathon on Friday.
You have to register online.
Uh, I did that, but they said the registration was closed.
Yeah, that's because it's past the deadline.
Right.
Uhlook.
I-I kind of have a deadline too.
I have cancer.
So this is kind of my make-a-wish moment.
Sorry.
We mailed out all the numbers last week anyway.
Wow.
Is it possible you're, like, the one person on the planet who hasn't been affected by cancer? Does my plea evoke no sympathy from you? Rules are rules.
You should put that on your tombstone.
You'll impress a lot of people.
I'm just gonna borrow these.
Who are you? Hi.
Uh, I-I knew him.
- Taking his mail? - No.
'Cause, um, that's a federal offense even if he isdead.
Come on, Thomas.
It's pee-pee time.
It's cold, buddy.
Pee-pee time.
Ooh! Thomas! Shit! Just for that, I'm gonna fucking dump out all your treats.
Oh, God.
Fuck.
Shit.
Fuck me.
Paul? What are you doing? I just got a very little bit from Myk.
- Oh, God! - I know, honey.
That job just wasn't very good for me.
I was trying too hard to fit in with the young guys, I think.
Couldn't you have just started texting a lot? Yeah.
Paul, did you really quit or did you get fired for doing drugs? They asked me to take a random drug test, and so I left and I didn't go back.
You think I'm selfish for wanting to run a marathon? What is more selfish than doing drugs? You're right.
Maybe I should have offered you some.
You could have run faster.
- This is not funny.
- I know.
Adam could have found it.
This is not good for your health.
I mean, you're really-- you're not a kid anymore.
- No.
- I mean, do you think-- Do you think you have a-- an addiction? No, honey.
I mean, are-- Do you need some help? No.
No.
I swear, honey.
I'm not a cokehead.
Look, I'm just trying to cope.
I'm a copehead.
You know, I don't want you to worry about the bills, but they are stacking up.
You know, and I called the insurance lady a cunt and now I can't get her back on the phone.
I mean--hey! What are you doing? I'm staying.
Forget the marathon.
No.
How do you help someone come down from cocaine? - No.
- Coffee? No.
Absolutely not.
If I keep you from this, then I will really feel terrible.
Don't worry.
I was just finishing up what Myk gave me and now it's gone.
Okay, look, maybe there's a tiny bit left, but, you know, I'll throw it away.
Honey, go.
I will meet you at the finish line clean and sober.
You promise? Because I need you.
I promise.
And you can kick me in the balls when you get there.
I'd do it myself, but my legs don't bend that way.
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
I'm running the race.
I know I'm really late.
I got stuck at home.
I couldn't find a parking spot.
- So I was just wondering-- - Is your tag on? Yeah, it's, uh-- Oh, yeah, um.
I reg--all registered.
Uh, Lee Fallon.
Okay.
Your time starts when you cross the post.
Good luck, Lee.
That--that's all I have to do? Yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Hey! What are you doing here? You kept me going.
I'm gonna keep you going.
Just think warm thoughts.
A crackling fire.
A thick, down-filled blanket.
Hot, steamy pussy.
Ooh, I got one.
When you try on a jacket you haven't worn in a while, you reach in the pocket and you find $20.
Totally terrific! Oh, when you cut a really wet fart and you're sure you shit your pants, and then you check and you didn't.
That's pretty terrific.
Adam? It's Dr.
Mauer.
Hey.
Did you come to see my mom? Yeah, yeah.
I support all my patients, but she's worth coming out in the cold for.
Yeah.
I think she's--she's one of the last ones.
That's okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, it's okay.
Did you always want to be a doctor or did your parents force you into it? No, I was always interested in science and chemistry.
Do doctors get a lot of tail? As much as we can stay awake for.
Number 47: Wheelchairs.
So brilliant, 'cause you don't have to use your feet.
Ow! If someone gave me a choice between peace on earth or a wheelchair right now, I'd take a wheelchair.
Ow! I'm--I'm out.
I'm done, Cath.
I can't do it.
No, you--you keep going.
If you stop now, you'll never start again.
- I'm already frozen here.
- Are you sure? Yeah, go.
I-- God, why didn't someone tell me to wear a bra? Oh, God! My-- The chafing is such a bitch.
It's like someone razored me in my boobies.
Go! Keep going! Go! - Okay.
- Go! Go, Cath! I'm sorry.
Daisy Martinez is away from her desk right now.
Oh, jeez.
Hey! Mile seven! Way to go! Mom! Mom.
You okay? Fine.
Oh, you came.
Oh, how sweet.
You're holding my hand.
You--you've got a slight arrhythmia.
I don't know about that, but I definitely have a cramp.
All right, well, let's-- let's sit down.
That or someone's trying to cut me in two with an axe.
All right, just come on over here, okay? - No.
- You need to sit down.
I can't.
I can't stop.
All right, Adam, would you grab one of those coconut waters? Yeah, totally.
Cathy, whatever it is you're trying to prove, you proved it, all right? You're strong.
You're amazing.
Fucking nuts.
We get it.
What's the worst thing that could happen? Your irregular heartbeat could cause cardiac arrest and you could die before you hit the finish line.
Eh.
I'm not giving up.
Well, then I guess I will.
All right, drink that.
That'll replenish your electrolytes.
Thanks.
And you, you should go to your party.
What? Are you sure? Yeah.
I'm not doing too well on time here.
Go.
Ring in the new year with Mia.
Have fun.
Okay.
I have to stop talking.
Change your socks when your blisters start bleeding through, okay? And, uh, keep a song in your head so you don't obsess about the cold.
Gotcha.
Can I ask you something else? Sure.
How much time do you think she has left? Statistically, someone with your mom's diagnosis could live anywhere from ten months to two years.
So what happens if the clinical trials stop working? The mets will start affecting her organs and her organ function.
In your mom's case, she might start having trouble breathing.
Will she stop remembering who we are and stuff? That could happen if a met forms in her brain, but from what I know of your mom's case, there's none there now.
Look, Adam There are people that just beat the odds.
Like, your mom is running--walking-- a marathon right now.
So who knows? We never know.
Ow, ow, ow.
Be forgot in days of auld lang syne should auld acquaintance be forgot Hello, yes, I have an appointment with Daisy Martinez.
Oh, really? Because we're closed.
Thank you so very much.
Hey, Happy New Year.
Hey, nice to see you.
Happy New Year.
Happy New Year, everybody! Hey, has anybody seen Daisy? Do you know where Daisy is? Where's Dai-- No way! Daisy? Paul.
Jamison! We talked on the phone.
God.
I thought you were gonna be bigger and uglier.
I did.
Our offices are closed, Mr.
Jamison.
Oh, Daisy, please.
After all we've been through, call me Paul.
Come on.
Look.
This will not take long.
Look.
I am truly sorry about the word that I used on the phone with you, but I was just kind of hoping that maybe we could settle this thing in person.
Does anybody have a pen? I've answered your complaint.
Your problem is you just don't like my answer.
No, my problem is there's no humanness to it.
You fu-- Almost called that name again.
I can't help you, Paul.
I think you can, but I think you won't.
Look, Daisy and I are arguing over 2,700 bucks, which come to think of it, is probably about how much this shindig cost, you know? So you're welcome, everybody! But, uh, why don't I just leave you with something else to think about while you drink? You all work for a health insurance company, which means, no doubt, that you're probably covered by the same insurance.
Well, you better hope you don't get sick.
'Cause if you get Daisy and she, you know, hadn't had her coffee that day, and she decides to unapprove something she's already approved, you're fucked! She might be a lot of fun to drink with, but this chickie is a fickle fucker.
So drink to your health while you have it! Take a cab home tonight to your beautiful homes! I, on the other hand, probably have to sell my house, which really sucks! Because if she goes first, Daisy McFicklebitch, I'm gonna want to be able to live where she lived and still smell her in our room see the furniture the way she arranged it.
It's just a little something for you to think about as you bring in the New Year.
Now, if you'll just excu-- I got to go see a lady about a race.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
Right foot.
One foot.
Two foot.
Well, today-- Today, I ran a marathon.
That's what I did.
I ran a marathon.
What did you do on New Year's Eve? Damn, it's cold.
Hey! Why aren't you at your party? Well, the guy that I wanted to kiss at midnight had something much cooler to do.
And by cool, I mean freezing.
Look, Mia, I'm really sorry.
Your 400th text started to convince me.
Yeah, but I don't-- Please just go home and get warm.
I'm just gonna wait for my mom to show up and then I'll come find you.
I promise.
Okay.
But if it's not before midnight, you know, please, please don't kiss anybody else.
I do like it when you beg.
Please.
Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? And never brought to mind should auld should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne and here's a hand my trusty friend It's mom! - Come on, Cathy! - Yeah, mom! That's my sister! That's my sister! Crossing the finish line-- Totally terrific! Come on, Cath! - Come on, mom! - You're almost there, baby! - Come on, Cath! - Come on, mom! Jamison! Just a few more feet! - You're almost there! - You're almost there! Thank you.
Auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne - days of auld lang syne - Come on, Cath! You're almost there! Days of auld lang syne Do it, baby! You're right here! Should auld acquaintance Everybody came.
Yeah, except dad's not here yet.
Be brought to mind should auld should auld acquaintance be forgot and days of auld lang syne for auld for auld lang syne, my dear for auld ooh, for auld lang syne for auld lang syne, my dear for auld for auld lang syne we'll take we'll take a cup of kindness yet for days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne days of auld lang syne