The Carmichael Show (2015) s02e13 Episode Script

1 The Carmichael Show is recorded in front of a live studio audience.
Ugh! Why is Donald Trump even in North Carolina? Hey, Maxine, can you turn that down for a minute? I got to ask you something.
Why are people even going to his rally? It's-it makes me want to move to another state.
- Maxine.
- What?! Sorry, it was just my outrage for Trump talking.
What were you asking me? We got any more orange juice? Seriously? That's what you're gonna ask me? Just check the fridge.
Uh, okay.
Oh, also I was gonna ask what do you think about me asking you to marry me? Wait, what? What-what are you saying? Are you proposing to me? Maxine, you got the kind with the pulp! I mean, if I wanted chunks in my juice, I'd just eat an orange.
Okay, Jerrod, Jerrod, wait, focus.
Did you just ask me to marry you? What? Oh, well, no, no.
No, I mean, not yet.
Um, I'm thinking about it though.
I wanted to talk it through first.
Uh, what do you think? I mean, I figure we're not getting any younger, and this single life was starting to take its toll on me.
Okay, Jerrod, you're not single.
- We've been together for two years.
- Look, Maxine.
Either you're married or you're single.
I've never seen a box on a W-2 that asks if I had strong feelings for someone.
(scoffs) Did you drink all the orange juice? Wait, seriously, we're-we're having a moment right now, and you're gonna talk about orange juice? - Look - What's going on? Maxine, don't worry about the semantics of the moment.
I love you.
And marriage is on the table.
So what up? Well, I love you too.
But I haven't heard you actually ask me anything, so what up? Look girl When we first met, all I wanted to do was have sex with you.
And I thought that was it.
But then we had sex.
And I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I was like, "Man, why can't I stop thinking about this girl?" And that's when I knew.
'Cause that's what love is, Maxine when you finish, but you still want to stay.
Was that you asking me? Yeah.
So again what up? Uh, well I guess I'm in? Yeah? Cool.
Yeah.
Wow.
Well, I can't wait to tell my friends this touching story.
All right, well, look, don't say anything.
We got to break the news to my mom first.
This what we're gonna do.
You got to bring her in early, make her feel like she's a part of the decision-making process.
That's how you manipulate people.
You got a lot to learn.
Wait.
Hold on.
You and I just had a conversation about marriage without you actually asking me to marry you.
You just did that same thing to me.
I know, and it worked.
See? You said yes, so let's go manipulate my mom together.
I love you, baby.
When is Dad back from the butcher's shop? How long does it take? We got something to tell you.
He'll stare in those cases for hours.
He says seeing all those slaughtered animals reminds him of man's dominance on the Earth.
And if you criticize him, he'll say, "Remember, Cynthia, all these animals would kill you first if they had thumbs.
" Look, maybe we should just break the news to my mom.
I think that we need to wait for your dad, 'cause he's the only one that likes me.
Children, gather round! Where's your mama? I need her to gather round.
Cynthia, gather round! I got a story! CYNTHIA: I'm here, Joe.
Well, come on, gather round.
All right, today I had a truly once-in-a-lifetime experience at the butcher shop.
I was perusing the fine meats which reminded me of my dominance over all the beasts in the field and this this man, he came to me in a navy suit, and he asked me: would I like to shake Donald Trump's hand? Oh, God.
Please don't say you shook Donald Trump's hand.
Wait, you don't know what happens.
Nah, she's right, I did.
I shook Donald Trump's hand.
You ruined a perfectly good "gather round.
" Wait a minute, are you sure it was Donald Trump, Dad? You know how you guys get middle-aged white men mixed up.
I don't care what you say, Jerrod.
That was Kurt Russell at that car wash.
Yeah, it was Trump all right.
He's in town for a rally, and he was popping in to some of the local businesses trying to meet real Americans.
We all know ain't nobody more real and more American than Joe Carmichael.
Here's a picture of us in front of the veal cutlets.
Wow.
How could you allow yourself to get used like that, Joe? This is obviously just a photo op for his campaign.
He wants it to look like black people would actually vote for him.
Maxine, you got to understand something about me.
I don't vote by race.
I don't vote by party.
I just look at the candidates, and I pick the one that I think's gonna make the best president.
Joe Carmichael is making America great again.
Joe, you cannot vote for Trump.
No Trump.
Never Trump.
He's just (laughs) I just I can't.
Why? Okay, all right, Maxine, just breathe.
Uh, please just tell me you're joking.
No, I don't joke about voting, and I vote for everything.
Even comptroller, and I don't even know what that is.
But I do know I don't like the job that Tommy Liu is doing.
Oh, don't get me started on Tommy Liu.
It's like he's not even trying to "comptrol.
" Okay, well, if we can stop talking about politics for one minute No, no, no, now, there are two rules in this house.
No voting for Donald Trump, and no touching my Dove body wash with microbeads.
Now, Cynthia, I love you, and I respect you, but you can't tell me who I can vote for, and you can't tell me not to use your body wash.
You're not the only one up in here that needs to exfoliate.
Or would you rather I shed my skin in bed like a snake? CYNTHIA: Joe.
Joe.
Do you really want an orange president with little tiny baby hands? Look, we're here because Maxine and I have some news.
Now what's wrong with being orange? Why you got to make this racial? I think he looks like a beautiful tropical sunset.
(sighs) Okay, Joe, this man could be the leader of our country.
The-the fate of the world could rest in his hands, and he's talking about building walls and exporting citizens.
He very well could be the next Hitler.
Well, there it is.
Can we get through one election season without somebody being called Hitler? Trump is not Hitler, okay? You can't get that far in New York real estate without support from Jewish people.
Look, if we're being honest, we just can't judge a president by what they did before they got into politics.
What? That is all we can judge them on.
Ronald Reagan was an actor.
He literally lied to people for a living, and we made him president.
Uh, Obama was a community organizer, and if we're being honest with ourselves, what the hell was that? I always wondered about it, but I didn't want to rock the boat.
George W.
Bush, it-it was basically his first job.
It's like his parents were like, "You got to get off the couch and do something," and then he became president of the United States.
All right, Joe, give me the best reason that you are voting for Trump.
Well, first, see, he wants to And don't say "make American great again.
" Well, second, see, he wants to, um bring all the jobs home, and he wants to build up the military and take care of our veterans.
He said Senator McCain wasn't a war hero because he was captured.
That's like saying JFK got what he deserved for showing off in a convertible.
Mmm, I mean, you could say that, but everybody's gonna hate you for it.
Okay, Maxine, since you got all the answers, tell me who you voting for.
Bernie Sanders.
(laughs) He is the only honest candidate in the race.
We're starting a revolution.
(laughs) Bernie Sanders? At least my guy stands a chance.
So the leader of your revolution is a 74-year-old man? "Vote for Bernie Sanders.
He'll rebel till 6:30 p.
m.
" (laughs) (laughs) (sighs) Uh, Maxine, I thought you were voting for Hillary.
Aren't you a feminist? Yeah, I am, but I'm not just gonna blindly vote for a woman.
I mean, Sarah Palin is a woman.
Should we be voting for her? Maxine, I thought we were having an intelligent political conversation.
(chuckles) You know what's crazy? Sometimes I forget Hillary's even running.
What? She's the most qualified candidate.
She was a senator, uh, she's secretary of state and First Lady.
I know, it's crazy to be that popular and that forgettable at the same time.
She's like, uh uh, she's kind of like a Toyota Camry.
Maxine, can't we just let Hillary have this one? I mean, she's been through so much.
No, the presidency is not a consolation prize.
And, uh it's about issues.
Maxine, just be honest.
You don't like Hillary 'cause you don't like the way she talks.
No, it's the issues.
And the "how she talks.
" She's boring, Jerrod.
And for some reason, she dresses like a character from Star Trek: The Next Generation.
Which most Trekkies feel is the best Star Trek.
And I don't even know why we're talking about Hillary when your dad over here wants to vote for the next Hitler.
Uh-oh, what did Hitler do this time? Oh, my God, Nekeisha, please don't tell me you are voting for Trump too.
Hell no, I'm feeling the Bern.
Nekeisha, you are literally wearing a Donald Trump T-shirt right now.
Boy, I'm trying to get this money, okay? We selling these at his rally.
BOBBY: See, on election day, I go in the booth and just go with my gut, 'cause everybody lying anyway.
Did you know they got speech writers? Think about that, huh? That's not even their words.
You get kicked out of school for that.
But when a politician does it, everybody clap for 'em.
(laughs dryly) But not me, not Bobby Carmichael.
Joe, you voting for Trump? Let me show you my extensive catalog.
Oh, damn it, Nekeisha.
I told you to stop dragging around that garbage bag.
We look like a homeless couple.
Boy, if we don't sell the stuff in this bag, we will be a homeless couple.
Okay, okay, enough about Trump.
So Jerrod and I came here 'cause we wanted to tell you something.
I will take one of these, and I'll proudly display it on the front lawn.
- No.
- Oh, no, Joe.
You are not putting that on my lawn.
I don't want people thinking some Tea Party one-percenters are living in this house.
Ma, there's a beat-up washing machine in the driveway.
I'm sure nobody's gonna think that.
Cynthia, we made a deal.
The inside is yours, and the outside is mine.
You chose this couch, the curtains, all these stupid pictures of our boys dressed up in they stupid outfits, but the outside, that's where I'm king.
He who mows the lawn gets to choose what goes on that lawn.
No.
No, Joe, you're not gonna bully Cynthia into being able to put that sign outside.
It's embarrassing.
I don't know, Maxine.
I don't want to mow that lawn.
MAXINE: Okay, does anyone else hear how crazy Joe sounds? 'Cause he's crazy.
This is this is crazy.
He's crazy.
Are you saying I'm crazy? All right, all right.
Everybody, let's all just agree to hate Ted Cruz and eat some barbecue.
What y'all say about that? No, I'm going to this Trump rally, and y'all should come with me, instead of staying here, sitting on the couch, criticizing me, judging me.
The least you can do is get informed.
(scoffs) I already know what I need to know.
Well, of course you do, know-it-all.
"Know-it-all"? Yeah, we call you that sometimes.
Usually behind your back, because it's more polite.
You know what your problem is? My problem is you voting for Trump.
And, you know, I'm not gonna let you put this stupid sign out in front of your house.
So (grunts) You finished? Well, now I am.
Maxine, you know what your problem is? You say you're open-minded, but if anybody doesn't agree with you, you call them stupid.
And that's gonna cause a lot of problems in your personal life.
Now, if I'm being honest, it's gonna cause a whole lot of problems in this relationship with you and Jerrod.
Well, I didn't know you felt that way.
Jerrod, honey.
JERROD: Don't worry, Mom.
I'm sure she'll be fine.
Who? I just wanted to know if you were gonna stay for dinner, see how many steaks to put on the grill.
Who is your dad to say that our relationship isn't gonna work? Well, Maxine, he was angry.
And you were angry.
The whole fight got out of hand.
Well, I'm sorry, it's just Trump makes me so mad.
Well, here it comes again.
Ugh.
Look, all I know is that we were supposed to go over there and tell my parents we got engaged, and then you ended up yelling at my dad.
He yelled at me.
Yeah, well, you were supposed to be the rational one.
That's why I'm engaged to you and not my father.
Well, that and the whole incest thing, and the fact that I'm straight.
It's a pretty big age gap, too.
Okay, Jerrod, why didn't you stand up for me when your dad was saying all that stuff? All I know is that my dad said he was voting for Trump, and then you called him crazy.
Because people who vote for Trump are crazy.
Let me list a few other people who are also voting for Trump.
Charlie Sheen, Pete Rose, Mike Tyson.
All very successful in their fields.
So maybe you should be down at that Trump rally, because you're so open to new ideas.
Well, look, Maxine, all I'm saying is true democracy isn't just listening to people you already agree with.
You got to hear both sides.
Uh, uh, Abraham Lincoln populated his cabinet with people who disagree with him because he knew the answer was always someplace in the middle.
So maybe if we go down to that Trump rally, my dad will appreciate the gesture.
And maybe he'll even go to, like, a Bernie rally with you.
And then we'll all be informed.
That's true democracy in action.
(sighs) Yeah, I'm not going.
Seriously? You know what, just-just go, Jerrod.
And while you're out there, you can decide whether or not you want to marry someone you think is so close-minded.
Uh, you know, fine, I will go, Maxine.
But just know you should be ashamed of yourself, because I just gave an amazing speech.
If Abraham Lincoln heard that speech, he would have freed me first.
Dad.
How come democracy hurts so much? Well, sometimes you get stabbed at a Trump rally, son.
(sighs) Jerrod, are you okay? Yeah.
You know, these things happen, Maxine.
Do my best to soldier through.
I believe it was Medgar Evers who once said.
Okay, Jerrod, you were only stabbed a little.
Don't you worry, it's gonna be okay.
Your mama's here, baby.
Joe, this should have been you.
What? You supposed to protect him.
You've lived your life.
Okay, see, I knew something like this was gonna happen at a Trump rally.
All of his supporters are just out of control.
Now, wait a minute, you don't know that Jerrod was stabbed by a Trump supporter.
There were other protesters there too, getting people all riled up.
Now, why do you go to a man's event and boo him? I heard that that, uh, Bruno Mars was in town not a week ago.
I don't care for him.
Don't like his music.
But I didn't go boo him.
No, I let that little Hawaiian man do his little concert and dance his little Hawaiian-man dance.
This is 100% Trump's fault.
He encourages violence.
And the only reason Jerrod was down there was 'cause of you.
You may as well have stabbed him yourself.
Oh, there you go pointing fingers again.
Okay, will the both of you just shut up! Your fighting is the reason my baby is in this bed clinging to his life.
Look, everybody is just too angry.
We're supposed to be able to have constructive conversations about politics without it devolving into yelling or name-calling.
There needs to be some middle ground here.
And if it takes me getting stabbed to unite you two, then I guess that's just what had to happen, all right? I got stabbed so you guys could live in peace.
So you guys could heal.
I'm the Jesus of this story.
- No.
- Yeah, not happening.
Are you two just gonna ignore my son's dying wish? Today was supposed to go perfectly, all right? We were supposed to go over, eat some barbecue, and I was gonna tell you that Maxine and I got engaged.
It was a very romantic morning.
Engaged? Well, you bring it in here, you little socialist.
Come on.
(laughing) (groans loudly) All right.
Trump's still an idiot, but you give the best hugs.
Aw, well, that political argument got a little out of hand.
Maxine is our family.
Maxine is our family.
Maxine is our family.
I heard that if you repeat things, it gets better.
They were wrong.
So, when's the big day? Well, I mean, it just happened we don't know yet.
Let me see the ring.
Well, there is no ring.
Why isn't there a ring? (stammering): W-Well, we're not that type of couple.
Mm, we'll talk about this later.
CYNTHIA: So the big news is that nothing has changed.
You two are just telling us that you had a conversation.
Yeah, but it was a pretty big conversation.
I think it was a pretty big deal.
Son, I think you need to sit back and examine your day so far.
Now, I shook the hand of the future president of the United States.
You broke up a fight and got yourself stabbed.
Now, this little engagement news, that's, like, number three on the list.
Yeah.
If it had happened yesterday, it would have been huge news.
(laughs): I didn't do nothin' yesterday.
Are you kidding me right now? This means nothing to you guys? I mean, Ma, you showed more emotion when Maxine said she wasn't voting for Hillary.
Yeah, well, that's gonna change the country for eight years, but this marriage is just statistically speaking, uh Oh, I ain't gonna say nothin'.
(Cynthia chuckling) Congratulations! Okay.
Jerrod, you get the pick of the first steak, because you got stabbed.
Most recently.
Can y'all believe how hot it is outside today? Mm, global warming.
Well, who knows? Yeah, who knows? Although it has been scientifically proven.
Global warming was made by and for the Chinese to make U.
S.
manufacturing noncompetitive! Oh, do you know how stupid you sound? Oh, no, I want us, I want to help the little polar bears I never even seen before.
You know, they would kill us, Maxine - if you gave them half a chance.
- Oh God, the Chinese! Do you hear him? Do you? - Do you hear her? - Sorry All right, I'm out.
Maxine enjoy your new family.
See you all in November.