The Drew Carey Show (1995) s02e13 Episode Script

Go! Pass the ball!
Pass the ball!
- Pass the ball!
- 'And the pass is incomplete.'
- Oh, man.
- Oh!
You know, my grandmother
can throw better than..
Ow, ow, ow, ow..
Oh, arm cramp, arm cramp.
Pretty great livin' with us,
isn't it, buddy? Huh?
We should have done this
years ago.
Yeah, all it took was my parents
losing their house in Florida
and pushing me out of mine.
Hey, I just noticed this.
I can dip a chip
with my ice cream scoopin' arm.
Hey.
God closes one bag of chips
and opens up another.
[door opening]
- Hey, everybody.
- Hey, Kate.
[chuckles]
Oh, man! Three guys livin' in a
one-bedroom, one-bath apartment.
Oh, to be one of the thousands
of flies on that wall.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
First down Cleveland, huh?
- You guys wanna pay up now?
- Wait a minute.
How can you be betting
on Cleveland?
The Browns moved to Baltimore
last year.
Yeah, this is a tape of a game
we went to back in '89.
Luckily, we were also drunk.
We can't remember how it ends.
Oh, man, look at that,
what kind of pathetic loser
takes his shirt off
in sub-zero weather?
[chuckles]
Hey, that's Oswald.
Actually, the paint glitter
acts as an insulator.
Okay, at least you're not
as pathetic as the guy
with "Go deep"
written on his butt cheeks.
Hey, that's Lewis.
- 'He's at the 30. The 20.'
- Go. Go.
- Go! Go!
- 'The 10.'
- Come on.
- Come on!
- Roll it.
- Oh, the tape ran out.
What are we gonna bet on now?
You can bet
on how long it's gonna take
you boys to get a life.
I'm gonna get my car waxed.
I'll see you later.
- Bye.
- Bye, buh-bye.
Bet you
she springs for the hot wax.
Bet you she doesn't.
How are we gonna find out?
- Ooh, we'll follow her.
- Right, kid.
- Jeez, I miss the Browns.
- You miss the Browns.
Now every time
I drop my pants in public
nobody understands my ass.
[The Vogues singing
"Five O'clock World"]
Up every mornin'
just to keep a job ♪
I gotta fight my way
through the hustlin' mob ♪
Sounds of the city
poundin' in my brain ♪
While another day
goes down the drain ♪
Yeah yeah yeah ♪
But it's a 5 o'clock world ♪
When the whistle blows
no one owns a piece of my time ♪
And there's a 5 o'clock me
inside my clothes ♪
Thinkin' that
the world looks fine yeah ♪
Hey hey hey ♪
A-da-lay-ee-ee yeah ♪
Hey ♪♪
[instrumental music]
[knocking on door]
(Drew)
'Hello. Hey, it's Drew.'
- 'Open up.'
- Just a minute, dear.
Come on, open up the door.
It's freezin' out here.
I don't have my jacket.
- Well, where is it?
- It's in there.
Well, that wasn't
a very smart move, now, was it?
- Just let me in.
- I'm coming. I'm coming.
[door opens]
Man, only gone two days.
Already you changed the locks?
Well, well, your father's
down in Florida
and God knows
who you gave keys to.
You remember that little
incident with Oswald and Lewis?
They marched right in, and I was
wearing only what God gave me.
Mom, first of all, they didn't
know you were gonna be in here.
Second of all,
they were only eight.
And third of all,
I don't know what God gave you
but it gave Lewis weird
dreams for the next three weeks.
Anyway, I just came by
to make sure you're okay
and pick up the rest of my
stuff, I'm still trying to make
Oswald and Lewis' place feel
a little bit more like home.
Jeez, it's like a show game
trying to find my toaster.
Well, we're startin' to move in
tryin' to make the place
our own again.
Not that you didn't do
lovely things with it.
I guess someone was lucky
at the carnival.
Uh, sometimes you get lucky
and sometimes if you taunt
the bearded lady long enough,
she'll just throw prizes at you.
Hey, uh, have an idea
when you guys are gonna be
you know, gettin' out of here
and going back to Florida?
Hate to see you stuck here
in this drafty old house. Burr.
Oh, Drew, I don't care
if it takes us 30 years
to get back on our feet,
you won't hear
one word of complaint
about this house.
Thirty years? In a row?
Let's see, um, 30..
[mumbles]
That means I'll be 60..
[mumbles]
Boy, you know, I can't believe
you wanna stay up here.
It's a lot safer
down at Florida.
- What?
- Yeah.
I mean, make sure the windows
are always locked, we've had
a lot of break-ins,
neighborhood's changed
in the last couple of years.
Yeah.
But if you ever have
any problems, you know, just go
next door, someone's always up
as it's a crack house now.
Mm.
But whatever you do,
don't call the people
on the other side be..
Well, you know, unless you want
a lady of the evening.
Good Lord, I had no idea!
Well, I think it's-it's time
that we took back
the neighborhood.
Oh, mom, I don't really think
it's necessary to--
We're not scared of you,
you filthy crackheads!
And shovel your damn walk!
Actually, I don't think they'll
be that big of a problem, ma.
They're posing
as a nice minister, his wife
and their three
adopted Vietnamese kids.
And, uh, whatever you do,
don't yell
at the ladies of the evening,
they want everybody to think
they're a nice Catholic family
with six daughters.
Well, they're still whores!
And paint your fence
you filthy flesh-peddlers!
[instrumental music]
Hey, Drew, you decent?
- Just a minute.
- Okay.
- Okay, come on in.
- Okay.
Here's some towels,
just throw 'em
on the floor when you're done.
Oh, I get it. Then you step
on 'em and wipe up the floor.
That's why you don't have a mop
or a girlfriend or visitors.
Actually,
it's a little game we play.
Ignore
the growing pile of laundry
for as long as you can stand it.
Five-time champion!
Hey, man, uh,
I can't thank you enough
for letting me stay
with you guys.
And we can't thank you enough
for wearing pants.
[bottles clinking]
Hey, on the way home,
I picked up some of those, uh
little frozen pizza things.
You with me?
Oh, well,
where are you gonna cook 'em?
- I was thinkin' about the oven.
- That thing?
It's basically
just a big gas leak with a door.
Oh, man, how can you sleep
with a leaky gas oven?
Oh, sleeping's easy. It's
waking up that's the problem.
Well, just, you know,
take a hot shower then, I guess.
Oh, w-w-where are you gonna
take a shower?
I'm not good at this game,
just tell me
what's wrong with the shower.
Nothing, just as long as you
shower at the same time
the people upstairs
are showering.
The good news is,
the water's already soapy.
Look, I don't wanna sound
ungrateful
but this place sucks!
You know, somebody ought
to complain to your landlord.
Oh, well, we did, we complained
about the oven, and he said
"I'll give you something
to complain about"
and he nailed
all our windows shut.
- Hello! Hey, guys.
- Hey.
Hey, Drew, you, uh, remember
Suzie from work?
You remember me,
don't you, Drew?
- You fired me.
- Hey, I didn't fire you.
I may have danced like hell
at the farewell party
but I did not fire you.
I gotta pee.
Oh, it's right in there,
but if you wanna flush
you gotta jiggle the handle
with this.
Wow! She's even classy walkin'
to the toilet with a hammer.
[grunts]
What the hell are you doin'
with Suzie, man?
She only dates rich guys.
Well, she saw me in the tux and
she, uh, heard me talkin'
about how the guys
at DrugCo said
they had never seen anyone climb
the ladder so fast,
'cause, you know
I'm doing that work
on the roof and all.
Anyway, she got the idea
that I was rich.
Oh, by the way, uh, I don't
live here. I own the building.
But, Lewis, you can't afford the
kind of lifestyle she's used to.
I can if I take on a few extra
jobs and stop payin' taxes.
[door opens]
Oh, okay, honey, I'm ready.
I wanna go somewhere else
to wash my hands.
Alrighty, then. We better go.
The, uh, limo's waiting.
Limo? What's wrong
with your car?
- My car?
- Mm.
Well, you know how Jags are.
Yeah, we know how Jags are.
So?
So, one of 'em
hit my Porsche. Bye.
Hey, Drew, grab your toothbrush.
I think the guys upstairs
are brushing their teeth.
[instrumental music]
Problem, Carey?
Yeah, I've been sleepin'
on a couch all week.
- My back is killing me.
- Oh.
I learned a bit about spinal
adjustment in the royal army.
You do have a spine in there,
don't you, Carey?
- If you want me to, sir.
- Ha-ha.
Uh, cross your hands
in front of your chest.
You know what you're doin', sir?
We're about to find out,
aren't we?
[grunting]
Wow! Hey, I feel much better.
You're right. It worked.
Now, that's because your spine
is in perfect alignment.
Unfortunately, clean and jerking
your bulk from this planet
has thrown mine into a shambles.
- Would you mind?
- Uh..
Ohh. Oh-ho. Oh.
Auditionin' a fourth roommate?
Nice work, Carey. You can be
in my queen's army any day.
I don't care what
it looked like, I feel better.
So, pig,
how's life in the new barn?
You think I like sharing
an apartment? Well, I don't.
But at least it's nice to have
friends you can count on.
You know what it's like
to need a friend, don't you?
You know, someone to eat
the parasites off your back.
Oh, ha-ha.
Oh, that's so funny, Drew.
Oh, I'm gonna go home
and laugh at that
by myself in my own apartment
while you're jockeying
for position around the ball.
- May I help you?
- Yeah.
Drew Carey called about
one of my rental units.
"Lewis Kiniski"
and "Oswald Harvey."
Well, well, well,
you must be their landlord
Mr. Tinsley.
Thanks for comin' on by.
Well, you tend to respond
quickly when somebody says
they have compromising pictures.
Let's see 'em.
Oh, my God!
- This is sick!
- That's right.
That's the bathroom.
That's the tub. That's the sink.
And that's the kitchen floor.
I don't remember there being
carpeting on the kitchen floor.
Those are ants!
You dragged me down here
for this?
I had to do something.
You won't return my calls.
Nothing worse than that
apartment, it's a death trap.
I'll have you know that
death trap is walking-distance
to shopping and free churches
and two nudy parlors.
And who the hell are you?
Well, let's just say
I'm a friend.
You know how many things
are wrong in that apartment?
You know, you can't operate more
than three
appliances at one time.
So, what, are you running a
methamphetamine lab in there
or what?
No, I was just trying to open
a can of tuna, have coffee
and have the lights on
all at the same time.
- Hey, no parties.
- Let me tell you something.
Tinsley,
this isn't gonna go away.
You know, we're taking you
to court, 'cause there's no way
we're gonna keep living
in conditions like that.
Wait a minute.
You're, you-you're living there?
Yeah, if you call that living.
But you're name's
not on the lease.
So you're illegally occupying
that apartment.
Well, I'm not enjoying it.
Oh, you're absolutely right,
Mr. Carey.
Nobody should have to occupy
an apartment like that.
What's that little smile
supposed to mean?
[knocking on door]
[sighs]
Oh, no.
Drew huffed and he puffed
and he blew our lease down.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
And that's why
The House Of Smells
hires people like me to call
you, so you can, uh, save money
by buying knock-offs
of your favorite perfume.
For, uh, Obsession,
we have Preoccupied.
Uh, for Charlie, we have Chuck
and for opium,
why not try our Smack?
Oh. Lewis, get off the phone.
You've been tying it up
all night.
Would you hold on?
I got the sucker hooked.
Oops. Hello? Sucker? Hello?
Oh, that's great. She hung up.
I was just about to throw in
a free subscription
to "Sports Elaborated."
Lewis, it's after midnight.
Ah, not in Australia. Mm-hmm.
You're gonna have to pay
for that phone bill.
And I want it in dollars,
not Smack.
Oh..
Why are you selling this crap
over the phone?
What does Suzie want you
to buy her now?
[scoffs]
She doesn't want anything.
Does it bother you
that for once I'm happy?
- Lewis, what's in your mouth?
- Nothing.
- Show me what's in your mouth.
- Nothing in my mouth.
- Show me what's in your mouth.
- There's nothing in my mouth.
Show me what's in your mouth.
- Ah!
- Oh, my God, he's got braces!
- Ah-ha!
- Suzie made him get braces.
Braces. Little packets
of rubber bands everywhere.
Now it's so obvious.
[door opens]
Hey, Kate. Hope you don't mind.
I used
some of your roll-on deodorant.
- You did what?
- Made for women.
But I like it, too.
Fine. Keep it.
Just add it
to Lewis's phone bill
and Oswald's brand-new can
of contraceptive foam.
I don't care what it is,
it shaves clean.
(Kate)
'Oh.'
Hey, guys,
if we're gonna live together
especially for a long, long time
we're gonna have to learn
to get along.
- And, you know, once we--
- No, w-w-wait, hold it.
I-I love you guys,
a little, a little less
than I did eight hours ago,
but, but I love you.
But I gotta tell you,
you're here
for a couple of nights,
and that's it.
[Kate sniffing]
And, Oswald
I'm almost afraid to ask this.
Butwhydo you smell
like a fresh summer's day?
- Add it to my bill.
- Oh, well, that's it.
- Oh!
- Hey, hey, hey, Kate.
What, uh, what if I give you
a-a free bottle of perfume
and a subscription
to, uh, "Psychology Today?"
Look, it's nobody's fault,
it's not Drew's fault
that he couldn't stand up
to his parents.
He didn't ask to be weak-willed.
And yet, oddly enough,
he did stand up to our landlord.
But it's not his fault
that he got us kicked out
of our apartment
anymore that it's his fault
that we're crowded
into your little apartment
sleeping on the floor like
vagrants, at an all-night ATM.
Alright, alright, it's my fault!
You know, when my parents showed
up, I couldn't turn em' away.
You know what?
When I was younger,
I promised my mom and dad
I'd buy 'em a castle
you know, when I grew up. Just..
I guess, giving them my house
was the next best thing.
I'll go see my mom
first thing in the morning
and I'll straighten
this whole thing out.
- Alright.
- Okay.
Until then
let's have a good night's sleep.
And let's keep in mind that
it's not easy for four adults
to live together, so let's be
respectful of everyone's space.
- Okay.
- Just have a good night.
- Everybody.
- Alright. Goodnight, Kate.
- Goodnight.
- 'Goodnight.'
Night.
[door shuts]
Hey, soon as she's asleep
I got the pail of warm water
all ready.
[all laughing]
Her bra's already
in the freezer.
[laughing]
The saran wrap's
already on the toilet.
- 'Yeah?'
- Ha-ha..
It is?
[instrumental music]
Wow, look at all these cruises.
Vienna, Paris, Lisbon, Rome.
How much sex do we have to have
before I can go to Rome?
You know, it sounds really pricy
but, uh, looks really romantic.
Yeah, maybe you can get
a job on the ship.
- Then we could both go.
- Yeah.
You know,
I'm really torn here, uh..
Some of my friends
are saying that
you're kinda
taking advantage of me.
On the other hand,
if we could just stay together
till my high-school reunion,
I'd be
the happiest man in the world.
Is that all I am to you,
an ornament
to show off
in front of your friends?
Don't you know
I just wanna look good for you?
And here's another thing
I'll need to look good for you.
It's the same one
James Bond drove.
Alright. That's it.
You know, I'm only a chump
for so long, you know?
Sure, you may be, uh, uh, pretty
and smart and sophisticated
but maybe that's not
what I'm looking for.
Let me tell you what holds up.
Simple, plain and cheap.
Yeah, yeah,
the girl I want may not be
the most beautiful girl
in the room
but when she smiles at me
with those crooked teeth
and gazes at me longingly with
those not-quite-blue-enough eyes
I'll know she's leaving with me
'cause the bartender
is closing up the place
and says she can't sleep there.
- Are you done?
- No. No, we're done.
I'm tired of waiting on you
hand and foot.
And if I have nothing else left
at least
I still have my dignity.
[sighs]
Now, you wanna hear the specials
again or you ready to order?
[instrumental music]
Look, uh, Mimi, I appreciate
you getting me involved
but I just don't wanna sell
Sally Mae Cosmetics anymore.
It's greasy and it smells weird.
It makes your skin
a funny color.
It's itchy and it looks bad
when you put it on.
Oh, you think it's that easy,
do you, huh?
Do you know who Sally Mae is?
She's a 52-year-old Polish guy
from Baltimore
who got kicked out of the mob
for holding that kiss of death
just a little bit too long.
Is this a threat, young lady?
Because I live between a brothel
and a crack house.
[knocking on door]
I'm coming!
- Hey, mom.
- Ah.
Mimi? What are you doing here?
She just had dinner,
and she's leaving.
You had dinner? What'd you have?
Oh, your mom made
macaroni and cheese.
- With real cheese?
- No.
Oh, man. That's my favorite.
- Don't forget your case.
- Okay, fine. Mm-hmm.
I can get another sales person
in a minute.
I was just doing you a favor.
But you don't need money, I know
because
Drew will take care of you.
Oh, yeah.
He is a real mover and a shaker.
At least he shakes
when he moves.
[laughs]
- I'm sorry ya had to hear that.
- That's okay.
I hosed down the sidewalks.
She's got lousy balance.
- 'Whoa!'
- Oops. There she goes again.
[both laughing]
Oh, we're bad. Uh-uh.
- Mom, have a seat.
- Yes, dear.
I have got great news!
Oswald and Lewis got kicked out
of their apartment
and because of that,
you're going to Florida.
Uh, slow down, Drew.
That'll make everybody happy.
I get my house back,
and I'll pitch in
a little extra,
so you and dad can get
a nice little apartment
down in Florida.
- Florida?
- Sure.
You hate the winters up here.
That's why you moved down there.
All that cold and that ice,
that's not good for you guys.
Well, yes,
but we could be killed
by a hurricane in Florida.
Yeah, well,
a hurricane's not so bad.
You're lifted up into the sky.
You know, like drawn up
into heaven. It's like a ballet.
Well, to tell you the truth,
wedomiss Florida
and our friends,
but you can't afford
to put us up in an apartment
down there, dear.
Sure I could.
I could take a second job.
Hey, put on your suspenders
and give the big boy a break.
No, we can't let you make
that sacrifice. We'll move out.
Your Aunt Gerta says
we can live in the guest house
on her estate.
But Aunt Gerta
lives in a nursing home.
I know. But wasn't that sweet?
So you're not gonna move.
Well, I don't see how we can.
Alright, uh,
I'm gonna go back to Kate's
and spend another night
on the floor.
It's not so bad, though. Last
night we made Kate wet her bed.
We made flashlight circles
on the ceiling.
Oh, almost forgot.
Here's your mail.
You got something from your bank
down at Florida.
Oh, yes, this is probably
our Silver Eagle Club statement.
Silver Eagle Club?
Uh, what's that?
Well, it's just a little hedge
against inflation.
Your father and I
bought some gold.
Was it a couple Krugerrands
or something?
Oh, I don't know what
it's up to. Oh, it's down!
- Hundred-and-thirty thousand?
- Well..
We're probably just riding out
on market recovery.
A hundred-and-thirty thousand?
It's for our old age.
But this is our nest egg,
our rainy-day money.
Mom, it is pouring!
What, did you save up
all of my..
Is that the money you saved from
not using real cheese?
You know, you and dad
could take some of that money
put a nice down payment
on the house.
No, I don't know, Drew.
You're a Silver Eagle, baby!
Spread your wings and fly!
Well, I don't know. Well..
I guess we still have
our Microsoft stock.
Microsoft?
And you got me sock slippers
for Christmas.
Oh, alright, Drew.
We'll start looking for
a nice little place in Florida.
Oh. Thanks, mom.
That means a lot.
- Mm, mm.
- Mm.
Still wish I could have
bought you that castle.
Oh, with a son like you,
who needs a castle?
Oh, and by the way,
I called the police
about those crackheads
next door.
They stuck by
that minister story to the end!
- Oh, jeez!
- And would you know it?
All those whores next door
came out in his defense.
[clears throat]
Well, I guess I won't be going
to the youngest whore's
confirmation.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]
Well, look who's here.
I didn't recognize you without
your dress up around your neck.
I hear
there's a new store manager.
I got dibs, runt.
- Excuse me, Mimi.
- Back in your office.
- I can handle this.
- Hi. You must be Mr. Wick.
I'm here to intercourse..
I mean, interview for the job.
I mean, intercourse.
Excuse me, young woman.
This is a place of business.
We can't get a drink here.
Come on, let's go.
Ow!
Oh, I don't know. She just fell.
[instrumental music]
[instrumental music]