The Mick (2017) s02e13 Episode Script
The Dump
1 [PIGEONS COOING.]
Damn it, Chip! You forgot to bring him in last night.
- Shoo! Get out of here! - Be gone! Be gone! - Shoo! - Go.
You're the one who wheeled him out here.
Yeah, well, I can't have him watching me eat.
His skin looks like oatmeal.
It's disgusting.
What the hell'd you guys do the colonel? Chip left him outside all night.
Don't put this on me! I'm not his frickin' nurse.
No, you're his family.
You two are unbelievable.
This poor bastard opens up his home to us, and this is how you repay him? You're lucky that he's still kind of alive.
Oh, please.
If he still had his vocal cords, he'd tell you to get your lazy ass out of his house.
Hey! When I was your age, I shared a room with my grandfather, and he used to have nightmares about the war, and try and ride me around like his horse.
The least you can do is take this guy to the groomer.
- Long hair is in again.
- Yeah.
If you love him so much, you take him.
Can't.
I got plans.
Oh, really? What plans? Important plans that are none of your business.
Yeah, well, I got plans, too.
The new Kevin Durants are dropping today.
I got to get in line.
They're coke white.
So sick.
They make Yeezy Red Octobers look like Stan Smiths.
You hear that, Colonel? Your grandson's leaving you for footwear.
Excuse me.
[SABRINA SIGHS HEAVILY.]
I don't know.
Maybe he's right.
I mean, we can't leave him like this.
The man looks like a melted candle.
All right, well, tonight, we'll shave him and hose him down.
Chip, we got to do something now.
- But what about my kicks? - Too bad! - I can't lug him around by myself.
- He's got wheels.
Great, so you can wheel him to the car, and I'll get the keys.
Nah.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
What?! No! No! Who threw this?! No - So help me, God, I - [MICKEY SIGHS, CHILDREN GIGGLE.]
I got to get off this bus before I lose it.
Oh.
The sanitation center was not nearly as awesome as you promised.
- Yeah, so I lied to you.
Get over it.
- I loved it! The floor was all gooey, and my shoes made a noise like - [MAKES SQUISHING SOUNDS.]
- Ugh.
Can you guys come on every field trip from now on? No.
Who learns anything at the dump? It's outrageous.
You have any idea how much money we give this school? - How much? - What? Money.
Oh, I don't know, but I'm guessing it's a lot.
If I wanted to work in a dump, I would get in a time machine and go back to the worse summer of my life where I worked in a dump.
If Gibbons ever tries to force me into something like this again, I will snatch his ass right out of his pants.
You forced me to come.
I didn't force you into anything.
Oh, you said if I don't come, I will be your enemy.
It's a figure of speech.
You don't treat me like an equal.
Oh, shut up, dummy.
I treat you fine.
No, no, no, no, no! Sit down! Sit down! Got to do a quick head count.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, 12, four Sit down! [MUTTERING.]
- 21? - Yeah, that's what I got.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, 12 [MUTTERING.]
- 21.
- Yeah, 21.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
How's that possible? We left the dump with 20.
- What? - What, did we pick up an extra kid? No.
All right, raise your hand if you go to Lockwood.
You what's your name? Hey, Benny, you know this kid? - I've never seen him.
- What? Boy, did you come from the dump? Hello? Speak to me.
ÿHablas español? Welcome back.
Did we have fun? Oh, gosh, what a dump.
What a dump.
Nice work.
Looks like everyone made it back alive.
Yeah, and then some.
Hey, Chip, think you forgot something.
Sabrina.
Sabrina, wait.
No, you can't leave him here.
Hey, hey! Take him back.
Go.
[GROANS.]
Chip! Why do you want to look like these idiots anyway? This dude's wearing tights and a tunic.
Sabrina, you know nothing about culture.
[CHIP GROANS.]
- Get him out of here! - No! Dude, you took my spot.
Damn it, Sabrina.
Now I have to go all the way to the back of the line.
You've ruined my life! Chip, you don't even play basketball.
You're four foot two and you have the legs of a bird.
They're not for basketball.
They're on his lifestyle line.
God, I hate you! Yo, little man, go ahead and grab yourself a pair of Durants so you can help your grandpa.
- Seriously? - Most def.
You shouldn't have to choose between sneakers and family.
My man! [LAUGHS.]
BEN: We're going back to the dump - Dump, dump, dump, we're going - Okay, relax.
We're just dropping off your friend, and then we're going straight home.
It's okay that we're doing this, right? Of course.
We didn't do anything wrong.
If anything, we'll be celebrated for returning him.
This whole thing is a big misunderstanding.
Cops, cops.
Drive, drive.
- Drive, drive, drive.
Drive.
- Why? What? - Go, go, go, go, go.
Keep driving.
- Okay, okay.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
My Aunt Mickey hates cops.
-Okay, Ben here's some snacks.
-Why don't you take Dump - and go show him your room? - Come on, Dump, this way.
- His name is Dump now? - We had to call him something.
Well, can't we do better than Dump? Sure, Alba.
What do you want to call him? - Ignacio, after my great - Cool, sounds good.
- What the hell are we gonna do? - I don't know.
You're the one that made me drive away.
Cops make me nervous.
But I do know that we just need to stay calm because we did not do anything wrong.
Well, except we brought him home.
Yeah, yeah, we did that.
Okay, but maybe the cops were looking for something else.
- You know, it's a dump! - Mm.
People dispose of all kinds of shady stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, we go back, and we talk to them, and we sort it all out.
What are you, nuts? Nah, they-they go poking around into our business, and before you know it, I'm doing hard time, and you're deported.
- Well, I'm a citizen.
- They don't care anymore! - Well Oh, that is true.
- But we could call the cops and find out what they know.
I just said that.
You said talk to them, which is absurd.
I said call them.
Much smarter.
Okay, okay, fine, we call them.
What? Are you insane?! Not from our phone.
Are you trying to get us arrested? Well, you said we were innocent.
Ah, we are.
Will you just please listen to me, all right? Go grab Ben and Ignacio and meet me in the car.
- Okay.
- And do you know what? I got to say, after hearing it on its feet, we're going back to "Dump.
" - I don't like "Ignacio.
" It's stupid.
- [ALBA SCOFFS.]
I can't believe they let you cut the line.
This guy's like a celebrity.
And they gave us free kicks.
These are straight fire and impossible to get.
Kids they're getting stomped on over these.
I'm gonna be straight dunking on fools.
Kobe! Thought they were a lifestyle shoe.
They are, but you can still hoop in 'em.
God, you're so ignorant.
Do you think everybody would treat the colonel like that? Probably.
When I said he was a war hero, - they all looked like they were gonna cry.
- Ah.
Oh, what sweet children.
Those are some dope kicks, Gramps.
Wow.
People are really suckers for old men in wheelchairs.
Yo, am I a horrible person for thinking, like, what else we could we get out of him? No.
This is way better than getting crapped on by birds.
Yeah, he's out here, he's getting fresh air, getting the respect he deserves.
Yeah, we're not doing anything wrong.
I mean, last I checked, this was a free country.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, thanks to him.
Exactly.
This is what he fought for.
You know what? I have an idea.
Let's get him cleaned up.
Hey, wake up.
Sorry, gotta use this phone.
I'm sure you know it's kinda the last pay phone in the world, so move it Hyah.
- Ah! Ew! God, why is it so wet? - Ugh.
- Here.
- What? Why do I have to call? Because I've done literally everything else.
You want to be equals, start pulling your weight.
[GROANS.]
OPERATOR: 911 emergency.
Yo, yo, you jive-ass turkey.
What's the skinny on the po-po down at the dump? OPERATOR: I'm sorry? The coppers down at Fairfield county sanitation, you mark-ass trick.
OPERATOR: Are you calling to report a crime? You tell me, Jack.
Five-O be buggin' me out! OPERATOR: I'll patch you through to the detective on the case.
What are you doing? I disguise my voice to protect my identity.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got that part.
Did you have to be so racist? Is that how you think black people talk? No! Who said anything about talking like a black person? That was a cool white lady.
Oh, no, you're a racist for thinking that was a black voice.
Huh.
Okay.
DETECTIVE HURLEY: Hello? Hello? - Yeah? - This is Detective Hurley.
- Who am I talking to? - Shut your mouth, bacon, - before I fry your greasy ass.
- All right.
HURLEY: Okay.
Do you have information regarding the kidnapping? Kidnapping? No! No, no, no, no kidnapping.
We took him by accident.
- What? - HURLEY: So you do have the boy.
- Dah! - What did What did you do? Well, he said we kidnapped him, but we didn't.
Well, now they think we did! Ah! You blew it! Oh, no.
You know what? I call back, and I go, "Yo, yo, it's just a prank, yo.
" It's not a prank! There's a child missing.
And now they probably already traced the call.
- We gotta move.
- Yeah, yeah.
MAN: I'm gonna have to see some ID.
No, of course it's not for me, it's for my dear grandfather.
Yeah, he's a freaking war vet.
He's killed, like, a ton of Germans, and he does not like waiting, so hurry up.
Unless you hate freedom.
Okay, one lemon drop, coming up.
Holy crap, it actually worked.
People are so stupid.
Or patriotic, I guess.
Excuse me, I noticed that your grandfather has a purple heart.
I served in Iraq, and I'd like to pay for the officer's drink.
Aw, be my guest, soldier.
You know, he mentioned wanting to try the ahi tostada as well.
He'd salute you back, but his arms are paralyzed from punching so many Nazis in the dong.
The colonel frickin' rules.
I don't even find him that disgusting anymore.
For someone so ancient, he's a pretty legit guy.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Sweet.
And you can keep 'em coming.
He might seem like a lightweight, but those Navy men can really put 'em back.
- Alcohol helps with his PTSD.
- Mm-hmm.
Where is he? He's right over - What the hell? - Where'd he go? - Colonel? - Wha Colonel? Colonel? We just gotta figure out where the kid lives you know, so we can just drop him off and wash our hands of this whole mess.
- Oh, check his wallet.
- He's seven.
He doesn't carry a wallet.
Well, look in his pockets.
I'm not rooting around in some little boy's pants, all right? Look, he obviously knows more than he's telling us.
We just gotta dig it out of him.
Yeah, okay.
- I will be bad cop.
Yeah.
- No, no cops.
I-I don't, I don't like where you're headed with that.
Let's not do cop thing.
We'll just talk to him, have a casual conversation.
[GUNFIRE FROM VIDEO GAME.]
Okay, guys, we're going to take a little break from - the video games for a second.
- Hey, I was playing that.
Dump, listen, I'm gonna ask you some questions, and if you answer those questions, uh you get to take all the video games home.
Those are mine.
You like golf, Dump? I don't.
Never have.
It's too slow.
And I don't like slow things.
Maybe because I've never been a very patient person.
Do you think you two could just be quiet for a second and let me ask the questions? - It's all yours.
- Yeah, wouldn't that be cool? - Everyone's cool.
- Does that sound nice? - We're all gonna be cool.
- Okay, you ready for this one? Uh, where do you live? What are you doing? What? You said he could have the games if he answered.
Well, I didn't say smash everything to pieces if he didn't.
Well, you didn't have to, it was implied.
No, it wasn't implied.
Stop it.
What is wrong with us? He's a little kid.
We should be able to figure this out.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Maybe we don't feed him.
No.
Okay, maybe we overfeed him.
No torture.
That's what kidnappers do, and we're not kidnappers.
Well, we kinda are.
I mean, we took him.
We established communication with the police.
We brought him to a second location.
All right, well, when you list it all out like that, it sure doesn't sound good.
Mickey, what are we going to do? I don't know! - Mickey! - I don't know what we're gonna do because you won't let me think for two seconds! Mickey, stop! You know what, I got an idea.
Let's go find a new pay phone.
All right.
Ooh! Wow.
This one smells like someone gave birth.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we don't push our luck with the police.
Why can't we leave Dump here? No body, no crime.
No, that's a murderer thing We're kidnappers now.
Now, here's the plan.
We're gonna call the police and give 'em a drop point It's kidnapping lingo And then when they're off on a wild goose chase, we will safely unload Dump - on the other side of town.
- Okay.
Do you think this will work? - We don't have much of a choice, do we, Huggy Bear? OPERATOR: 911 emergency.
Uh, yah, I kidnap-a from a sanitation center.
I demand speak with most honorable policeman.
Shh.
HURLEY: This is Detective Hurley.
Who am I talking to? Oh, you talk to yourself, you don't shut your mouth.
You listen to me.
I have boy you seek.
HURLEY: Is the child unharmed? Yes, child fine! HURLEY: Look, the boy is hearing-impaired, - and his parents are very worried.
- Can't hear.
HURLEY: They're prepared to comply with all of your demands, they just want him back safely.
Oh, you greedy Americans think everything about money.
Well, I have no demand.
No, I seek a peaceful resolution.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
- What? Isn't a kidnapper without demands just a child molester? Oh, sorry, no, no, no.
I I have demand.
Big demand.
I-I ask one million American dollar.
Uh, Greenwich Park one hour.
Arigato.
Wha Ah, Mickey, that was very offensive.
Wh-What are you talking about? That's what you did.
I picked an accent and disguised my voice.
An Asian accent? Oh! Oh, you Oh, Alba, who's racist now, huh? You thought that was Asian? - Mm-hmm.
- You said "arigato.
" Y-Yeah, I mean, for authenticity.
And with the u-utmost respect.
There is no one more ancient or mystic than the Chinese.
"Arigato" is Japanese.
Okay [STAMMERS.]
uh, how do you say "good-bye" in Chinese? "Chow.
" - And that is Italian.
- Okay, I'm sorry, all right? I-I'm I don't know, I'm doing my best here.
Okay? I'm sorry.
I'm uneducated and I'm ignorant.
Excuse me if nobody bothered to-to teach me stuff.
You kn t-this is your fault.
- What? Ooh.
- This is all your fault.
I could have figured this out if you had just left me alone, I could have figured it out, but no, you insist on being equals.
And before I know it, I-I'm a racist kidnapper with a child being molested in the Oh, where'd they go? - Uh, Ben? - But What? They left a note.
"You can't take my new best friend.
"We are going to the coolest place in the world where you will never find us.
" Oh.
[MOANS.]
Those sons of bitches went back to the dump.
Ugh.
And what'd he look like? He's, like, 80 pounds, three and a half feet tall, at least a hundred years old.
He's like a human statue on wheels, dressed like JAG.
Nope, I haven't seen anyone like that.
Maybe he decided to go home.
He can't decide anything, his brain's a wasteland.
His mind's working overtime just to blink.
You know what? Forget it.
This is useless.
[SIGHS.]
I hope he's okay.
Maybe Jimmy was right about us.
Screw Jimmy.
None of this would have happened it if he hadn't forced us to hang out with the Colonel in the first place.
I mean, we shouldn't have to do anything we don't want to do.
Duh.
This is a free country.
Once again, thanks to him.
He basically fought for our freedom to not have to hang out with him.
Yeah, plus, we shouldn't be trusted with this kind of responsibility.
- We're just kids.
- [SCOFFS.]
[GUNSHOT SOUNDS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GROANS.]
What? Where are you? What's that noise? Chip, I'm in the middle of something, what do you want? All right, we need your help.
We lost the colonel.
How the hell did you do that? I don't know, he just escaped.
Doesn't he have, like, a microchip in him - or something you can track? - No.
There's not a microchip in him.
He is not a dog.
He's a helpless old man.
He's probably out there getting mugged or raped or turned into some kind of sex doll uh You there? ARCADE GAME: Reload.
You got it.
Why'd you hang up? He doesn't have a chip, but I left my phone in his chair.
We can track that.
[SHOUTS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh I hate this place so much.
Are you okay? Oof.
- Oh, shh, shh.
- [DOG GROWLING.]
Just big dog.
- Okay.
Ooh - [DOG GROWLING.]
Okay.
Just stay calm.
If we just relax, he'll leave us alone.
Just go.
What? [BARKS.]
I will take care of the dog.
- Okay.
- And if I do this, we are equals? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Okay, doggie.
Okay, I'm ready for you.
- [BARKS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Ben! [SIGHS.]
Ben! [WHIMPERS.]
Come on, Ben, let's go home.
BEN: I am home.
Dump and I are gonna live here forever, and you can't take him away.
Buddy, his parents are very worried about him.
But he's my friend.
I'm your friend, too.
No, you're not, you hate trash, and you said you'd never go on another field trip with me again.
All right, I'm sorry.
I see that that was very selfish, okay? And I'll make it up to you.
Whatever you want, just name it.
I want you to come on every field trip with me from now on.
Oh, man, that's not gonna happen.
Then I'm not coming down.
Okay, how about this? I will go on one more field trip with you, okay? Every field trip for the next ten years.
What? Have you lost All right.
I got a great idea.
'Cause you drive such a hard bargain.
I will go on one field trip with you every other year for a hundred years.
100 years? Yep, a cool century.
- Deal.
- Yes! Come on.
All right, you guys okay? Oh, dear God.
It's taken care of.
Where the hell are we? - This place looks like Detroit.
- Shh.
Quiet.
You're gonna get us jumped.
It says that he's over there.
SABRINA AND CHIP: Grandpa! CHIP: No! They took his Durants! Oh, my God.
Thank God, everything's still here.
Except his Durants.
Savages! I told you, people are going nuts for these.
I'm so sorry, Grandpa.
Dude, I'm not even sure he felt them on his feet.
Of course he did, they're Durants.
Then give him yours.
They're the same size.
No frickin' way, I already 'grammed them.
People are gonna be expecting me to rock them tomorrow.
Whatever, let's just bring him home, okay? Uh, well, we had a great day with you, Grandpa.
- You're the best.
- A genuine American hero.
Now I understand when they call you guys the greatest generation.
You're an all-around chill-ass guy.
Good? [STRAINS.]
Come on, Grandpa.
- I got it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
SABRINA: Great day.
He's over here! [INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO TRANSMISSION.]
OFFICER 2: Is he okay? [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
Ugh! Get any more on my jeans, and me and you are gonna have words, understand? Aunt Mickey, what did you think of the mustard factory? It was, uh, not my favorite.
Honestly, that school needs to fully reimagine its entire field trip program.
Like, what happened to the classics? Your zoos, your botanical gardens? Your-your old-timey villages? Well, speak for yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
That place delivered.
Yeah, mustard rules.
I can't wait to go back.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS, SHOUTS.]
That's it! The next person who throws anything at me is getting drowned in a vat of mustard! CHILDREN: Yay! No! No, no That's a punishment, not a reward.
What is the matter with you maniacs? Stop it! Stop!
Damn it, Chip! You forgot to bring him in last night.
- Shoo! Get out of here! - Be gone! Be gone! - Shoo! - Go.
You're the one who wheeled him out here.
Yeah, well, I can't have him watching me eat.
His skin looks like oatmeal.
It's disgusting.
What the hell'd you guys do the colonel? Chip left him outside all night.
Don't put this on me! I'm not his frickin' nurse.
No, you're his family.
You two are unbelievable.
This poor bastard opens up his home to us, and this is how you repay him? You're lucky that he's still kind of alive.
Oh, please.
If he still had his vocal cords, he'd tell you to get your lazy ass out of his house.
Hey! When I was your age, I shared a room with my grandfather, and he used to have nightmares about the war, and try and ride me around like his horse.
The least you can do is take this guy to the groomer.
- Long hair is in again.
- Yeah.
If you love him so much, you take him.
Can't.
I got plans.
Oh, really? What plans? Important plans that are none of your business.
Yeah, well, I got plans, too.
The new Kevin Durants are dropping today.
I got to get in line.
They're coke white.
So sick.
They make Yeezy Red Octobers look like Stan Smiths.
You hear that, Colonel? Your grandson's leaving you for footwear.
Excuse me.
[SABRINA SIGHS HEAVILY.]
I don't know.
Maybe he's right.
I mean, we can't leave him like this.
The man looks like a melted candle.
All right, well, tonight, we'll shave him and hose him down.
Chip, we got to do something now.
- But what about my kicks? - Too bad! - I can't lug him around by myself.
- He's got wheels.
Great, so you can wheel him to the car, and I'll get the keys.
Nah.
[CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
[SCREAMS.]
What?! No! No! Who threw this?! No - So help me, God, I - [MICKEY SIGHS, CHILDREN GIGGLE.]
I got to get off this bus before I lose it.
Oh.
The sanitation center was not nearly as awesome as you promised.
- Yeah, so I lied to you.
Get over it.
- I loved it! The floor was all gooey, and my shoes made a noise like - [MAKES SQUISHING SOUNDS.]
- Ugh.
Can you guys come on every field trip from now on? No.
Who learns anything at the dump? It's outrageous.
You have any idea how much money we give this school? - How much? - What? Money.
Oh, I don't know, but I'm guessing it's a lot.
If I wanted to work in a dump, I would get in a time machine and go back to the worse summer of my life where I worked in a dump.
If Gibbons ever tries to force me into something like this again, I will snatch his ass right out of his pants.
You forced me to come.
I didn't force you into anything.
Oh, you said if I don't come, I will be your enemy.
It's a figure of speech.
You don't treat me like an equal.
Oh, shut up, dummy.
I treat you fine.
No, no, no, no, no! Sit down! Sit down! Got to do a quick head count.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, 12, four Sit down! [MUTTERING.]
- 21? - Yeah, that's what I got.
Two, four, six, eight, ten, 12 [MUTTERING.]
- 21.
- Yeah, 21.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
How's that possible? We left the dump with 20.
- What? - What, did we pick up an extra kid? No.
All right, raise your hand if you go to Lockwood.
You what's your name? Hey, Benny, you know this kid? - I've never seen him.
- What? Boy, did you come from the dump? Hello? Speak to me.
ÿHablas español? Welcome back.
Did we have fun? Oh, gosh, what a dump.
What a dump.
Nice work.
Looks like everyone made it back alive.
Yeah, and then some.
Hey, Chip, think you forgot something.
Sabrina.
Sabrina, wait.
No, you can't leave him here.
Hey, hey! Take him back.
Go.
[GROANS.]
Chip! Why do you want to look like these idiots anyway? This dude's wearing tights and a tunic.
Sabrina, you know nothing about culture.
[CHIP GROANS.]
- Get him out of here! - No! Dude, you took my spot.
Damn it, Sabrina.
Now I have to go all the way to the back of the line.
You've ruined my life! Chip, you don't even play basketball.
You're four foot two and you have the legs of a bird.
They're not for basketball.
They're on his lifestyle line.
God, I hate you! Yo, little man, go ahead and grab yourself a pair of Durants so you can help your grandpa.
- Seriously? - Most def.
You shouldn't have to choose between sneakers and family.
My man! [LAUGHS.]
BEN: We're going back to the dump - Dump, dump, dump, we're going - Okay, relax.
We're just dropping off your friend, and then we're going straight home.
It's okay that we're doing this, right? Of course.
We didn't do anything wrong.
If anything, we'll be celebrated for returning him.
This whole thing is a big misunderstanding.
Cops, cops.
Drive, drive.
- Drive, drive, drive.
Drive.
- Why? What? - Go, go, go, go, go.
Keep driving.
- Okay, okay.
[ENGINE REVVING.]
My Aunt Mickey hates cops.
-Okay, Ben here's some snacks.
-Why don't you take Dump - and go show him your room? - Come on, Dump, this way.
- His name is Dump now? - We had to call him something.
Well, can't we do better than Dump? Sure, Alba.
What do you want to call him? - Ignacio, after my great - Cool, sounds good.
- What the hell are we gonna do? - I don't know.
You're the one that made me drive away.
Cops make me nervous.
But I do know that we just need to stay calm because we did not do anything wrong.
Well, except we brought him home.
Yeah, yeah, we did that.
Okay, but maybe the cops were looking for something else.
- You know, it's a dump! - Mm.
People dispose of all kinds of shady stuff.
Mm-hmm.
Okay, so, we go back, and we talk to them, and we sort it all out.
What are you, nuts? Nah, they-they go poking around into our business, and before you know it, I'm doing hard time, and you're deported.
- Well, I'm a citizen.
- They don't care anymore! - Well Oh, that is true.
- But we could call the cops and find out what they know.
I just said that.
You said talk to them, which is absurd.
I said call them.
Much smarter.
Okay, okay, fine, we call them.
What? Are you insane?! Not from our phone.
Are you trying to get us arrested? Well, you said we were innocent.
Ah, we are.
Will you just please listen to me, all right? Go grab Ben and Ignacio and meet me in the car.
- Okay.
- And do you know what? I got to say, after hearing it on its feet, we're going back to "Dump.
" - I don't like "Ignacio.
" It's stupid.
- [ALBA SCOFFS.]
I can't believe they let you cut the line.
This guy's like a celebrity.
And they gave us free kicks.
These are straight fire and impossible to get.
Kids they're getting stomped on over these.
I'm gonna be straight dunking on fools.
Kobe! Thought they were a lifestyle shoe.
They are, but you can still hoop in 'em.
God, you're so ignorant.
Do you think everybody would treat the colonel like that? Probably.
When I said he was a war hero, - they all looked like they were gonna cry.
- Ah.
Oh, what sweet children.
Those are some dope kicks, Gramps.
Wow.
People are really suckers for old men in wheelchairs.
Yo, am I a horrible person for thinking, like, what else we could we get out of him? No.
This is way better than getting crapped on by birds.
Yeah, he's out here, he's getting fresh air, getting the respect he deserves.
Yeah, we're not doing anything wrong.
I mean, last I checked, this was a free country.
[SCOFFS.]
Yeah, thanks to him.
Exactly.
This is what he fought for.
You know what? I have an idea.
Let's get him cleaned up.
Hey, wake up.
Sorry, gotta use this phone.
I'm sure you know it's kinda the last pay phone in the world, so move it Hyah.
- Ah! Ew! God, why is it so wet? - Ugh.
- Here.
- What? Why do I have to call? Because I've done literally everything else.
You want to be equals, start pulling your weight.
[GROANS.]
OPERATOR: 911 emergency.
Yo, yo, you jive-ass turkey.
What's the skinny on the po-po down at the dump? OPERATOR: I'm sorry? The coppers down at Fairfield county sanitation, you mark-ass trick.
OPERATOR: Are you calling to report a crime? You tell me, Jack.
Five-O be buggin' me out! OPERATOR: I'll patch you through to the detective on the case.
What are you doing? I disguise my voice to protect my identity.
Yeah.
Yeah, I got that part.
Did you have to be so racist? Is that how you think black people talk? No! Who said anything about talking like a black person? That was a cool white lady.
Oh, no, you're a racist for thinking that was a black voice.
Huh.
Okay.
DETECTIVE HURLEY: Hello? Hello? - Yeah? - This is Detective Hurley.
- Who am I talking to? - Shut your mouth, bacon, - before I fry your greasy ass.
- All right.
HURLEY: Okay.
Do you have information regarding the kidnapping? Kidnapping? No! No, no, no, no kidnapping.
We took him by accident.
- What? - HURLEY: So you do have the boy.
- Dah! - What did What did you do? Well, he said we kidnapped him, but we didn't.
Well, now they think we did! Ah! You blew it! Oh, no.
You know what? I call back, and I go, "Yo, yo, it's just a prank, yo.
" It's not a prank! There's a child missing.
And now they probably already traced the call.
- We gotta move.
- Yeah, yeah.
MAN: I'm gonna have to see some ID.
No, of course it's not for me, it's for my dear grandfather.
Yeah, he's a freaking war vet.
He's killed, like, a ton of Germans, and he does not like waiting, so hurry up.
Unless you hate freedom.
Okay, one lemon drop, coming up.
Holy crap, it actually worked.
People are so stupid.
Or patriotic, I guess.
Excuse me, I noticed that your grandfather has a purple heart.
I served in Iraq, and I'd like to pay for the officer's drink.
Aw, be my guest, soldier.
You know, he mentioned wanting to try the ahi tostada as well.
He'd salute you back, but his arms are paralyzed from punching so many Nazis in the dong.
The colonel frickin' rules.
I don't even find him that disgusting anymore.
For someone so ancient, he's a pretty legit guy.
Mm-hmm.
Oh.
Sweet.
And you can keep 'em coming.
He might seem like a lightweight, but those Navy men can really put 'em back.
- Alcohol helps with his PTSD.
- Mm-hmm.
Where is he? He's right over - What the hell? - Where'd he go? - Colonel? - Wha Colonel? Colonel? We just gotta figure out where the kid lives you know, so we can just drop him off and wash our hands of this whole mess.
- Oh, check his wallet.
- He's seven.
He doesn't carry a wallet.
Well, look in his pockets.
I'm not rooting around in some little boy's pants, all right? Look, he obviously knows more than he's telling us.
We just gotta dig it out of him.
Yeah, okay.
- I will be bad cop.
Yeah.
- No, no cops.
I-I don't, I don't like where you're headed with that.
Let's not do cop thing.
We'll just talk to him, have a casual conversation.
[GUNFIRE FROM VIDEO GAME.]
Okay, guys, we're going to take a little break from - the video games for a second.
- Hey, I was playing that.
Dump, listen, I'm gonna ask you some questions, and if you answer those questions, uh you get to take all the video games home.
Those are mine.
You like golf, Dump? I don't.
Never have.
It's too slow.
And I don't like slow things.
Maybe because I've never been a very patient person.
Do you think you two could just be quiet for a second and let me ask the questions? - It's all yours.
- Yeah, wouldn't that be cool? - Everyone's cool.
- Does that sound nice? - We're all gonna be cool.
- Okay, you ready for this one? Uh, where do you live? What are you doing? What? You said he could have the games if he answered.
Well, I didn't say smash everything to pieces if he didn't.
Well, you didn't have to, it was implied.
No, it wasn't implied.
Stop it.
What is wrong with us? He's a little kid.
We should be able to figure this out.
Okay, okay.
Yeah.
Maybe we don't feed him.
No.
Okay, maybe we overfeed him.
No torture.
That's what kidnappers do, and we're not kidnappers.
Well, we kinda are.
I mean, we took him.
We established communication with the police.
We brought him to a second location.
All right, well, when you list it all out like that, it sure doesn't sound good.
Mickey, what are we going to do? I don't know! - Mickey! - I don't know what we're gonna do because you won't let me think for two seconds! Mickey, stop! You know what, I got an idea.
Let's go find a new pay phone.
All right.
Ooh! Wow.
This one smells like someone gave birth.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Maybe we don't push our luck with the police.
Why can't we leave Dump here? No body, no crime.
No, that's a murderer thing We're kidnappers now.
Now, here's the plan.
We're gonna call the police and give 'em a drop point It's kidnapping lingo And then when they're off on a wild goose chase, we will safely unload Dump - on the other side of town.
- Okay.
Do you think this will work? - We don't have much of a choice, do we, Huggy Bear? OPERATOR: 911 emergency.
Uh, yah, I kidnap-a from a sanitation center.
I demand speak with most honorable policeman.
Shh.
HURLEY: This is Detective Hurley.
Who am I talking to? Oh, you talk to yourself, you don't shut your mouth.
You listen to me.
I have boy you seek.
HURLEY: Is the child unharmed? Yes, child fine! HURLEY: Look, the boy is hearing-impaired, - and his parents are very worried.
- Can't hear.
HURLEY: They're prepared to comply with all of your demands, they just want him back safely.
Oh, you greedy Americans think everything about money.
Well, I have no demand.
No, I seek a peaceful resolution.
- No, wait, wait, wait.
- What? Isn't a kidnapper without demands just a child molester? Oh, sorry, no, no, no.
I I have demand.
Big demand.
I-I ask one million American dollar.
Uh, Greenwich Park one hour.
Arigato.
Wha Ah, Mickey, that was very offensive.
Wh-What are you talking about? That's what you did.
I picked an accent and disguised my voice.
An Asian accent? Oh! Oh, you Oh, Alba, who's racist now, huh? You thought that was Asian? - Mm-hmm.
- You said "arigato.
" Y-Yeah, I mean, for authenticity.
And with the u-utmost respect.
There is no one more ancient or mystic than the Chinese.
"Arigato" is Japanese.
Okay [STAMMERS.]
uh, how do you say "good-bye" in Chinese? "Chow.
" - And that is Italian.
- Okay, I'm sorry, all right? I-I'm I don't know, I'm doing my best here.
Okay? I'm sorry.
I'm uneducated and I'm ignorant.
Excuse me if nobody bothered to-to teach me stuff.
You kn t-this is your fault.
- What? Ooh.
- This is all your fault.
I could have figured this out if you had just left me alone, I could have figured it out, but no, you insist on being equals.
And before I know it, I-I'm a racist kidnapper with a child being molested in the Oh, where'd they go? - Uh, Ben? - But What? They left a note.
"You can't take my new best friend.
"We are going to the coolest place in the world where you will never find us.
" Oh.
[MOANS.]
Those sons of bitches went back to the dump.
Ugh.
And what'd he look like? He's, like, 80 pounds, three and a half feet tall, at least a hundred years old.
He's like a human statue on wheels, dressed like JAG.
Nope, I haven't seen anyone like that.
Maybe he decided to go home.
He can't decide anything, his brain's a wasteland.
His mind's working overtime just to blink.
You know what? Forget it.
This is useless.
[SIGHS.]
I hope he's okay.
Maybe Jimmy was right about us.
Screw Jimmy.
None of this would have happened it if he hadn't forced us to hang out with the Colonel in the first place.
I mean, we shouldn't have to do anything we don't want to do.
Duh.
This is a free country.
Once again, thanks to him.
He basically fought for our freedom to not have to hang out with him.
Yeah, plus, we shouldn't be trusted with this kind of responsibility.
- We're just kids.
- [SCOFFS.]
[GUNSHOT SOUNDS.]
[PHONE RINGING.]
[GROANS.]
What? Where are you? What's that noise? Chip, I'm in the middle of something, what do you want? All right, we need your help.
We lost the colonel.
How the hell did you do that? I don't know, he just escaped.
Doesn't he have, like, a microchip in him - or something you can track? - No.
There's not a microchip in him.
He is not a dog.
He's a helpless old man.
He's probably out there getting mugged or raped or turned into some kind of sex doll uh You there? ARCADE GAME: Reload.
You got it.
Why'd you hang up? He doesn't have a chip, but I left my phone in his chair.
We can track that.
[SHOUTS.]
[GASPS.]
Oh I hate this place so much.
Are you okay? Oof.
- Oh, shh, shh.
- [DOG GROWLING.]
Just big dog.
- Okay.
Ooh - [DOG GROWLING.]
Okay.
Just stay calm.
If we just relax, he'll leave us alone.
Just go.
What? [BARKS.]
I will take care of the dog.
- Okay.
- And if I do this, we are equals? Oh, uh, yeah, yeah, absolutely.
Okay, doggie.
Okay, I'm ready for you.
- [BARKS.]
- [SCREAMS.]
Ben! [SIGHS.]
Ben! [WHIMPERS.]
Come on, Ben, let's go home.
BEN: I am home.
Dump and I are gonna live here forever, and you can't take him away.
Buddy, his parents are very worried about him.
But he's my friend.
I'm your friend, too.
No, you're not, you hate trash, and you said you'd never go on another field trip with me again.
All right, I'm sorry.
I see that that was very selfish, okay? And I'll make it up to you.
Whatever you want, just name it.
I want you to come on every field trip with me from now on.
Oh, man, that's not gonna happen.
Then I'm not coming down.
Okay, how about this? I will go on one more field trip with you, okay? Every field trip for the next ten years.
What? Have you lost All right.
I got a great idea.
'Cause you drive such a hard bargain.
I will go on one field trip with you every other year for a hundred years.
100 years? Yep, a cool century.
- Deal.
- Yes! Come on.
All right, you guys okay? Oh, dear God.
It's taken care of.
Where the hell are we? - This place looks like Detroit.
- Shh.
Quiet.
You're gonna get us jumped.
It says that he's over there.
SABRINA AND CHIP: Grandpa! CHIP: No! They took his Durants! Oh, my God.
Thank God, everything's still here.
Except his Durants.
Savages! I told you, people are going nuts for these.
I'm so sorry, Grandpa.
Dude, I'm not even sure he felt them on his feet.
Of course he did, they're Durants.
Then give him yours.
They're the same size.
No frickin' way, I already 'grammed them.
People are gonna be expecting me to rock them tomorrow.
Whatever, let's just bring him home, okay? Uh, well, we had a great day with you, Grandpa.
- You're the best.
- A genuine American hero.
Now I understand when they call you guys the greatest generation.
You're an all-around chill-ass guy.
Good? [STRAINS.]
Come on, Grandpa.
- I got it.
- [CHUCKLES.]
SABRINA: Great day.
He's over here! [INDISTINCT POLICE RADIO TRANSMISSION.]
OFFICER 2: Is he okay? [CHILDREN LAUGHING.]
Ugh! Get any more on my jeans, and me and you are gonna have words, understand? Aunt Mickey, what did you think of the mustard factory? It was, uh, not my favorite.
Honestly, that school needs to fully reimagine its entire field trip program.
Like, what happened to the classics? Your zoos, your botanical gardens? Your-your old-timey villages? Well, speak for yourself.
[CHUCKLES.]
That place delivered.
Yeah, mustard rules.
I can't wait to go back.
[SIGHS.]
[GRUNTS, SHOUTS.]
That's it! The next person who throws anything at me is getting drowned in a vat of mustard! CHILDREN: Yay! No! No, no That's a punishment, not a reward.
What is the matter with you maniacs? Stop it! Stop!