The Nanny s02e13 Episode Script

Morning, Niles.
God save the queen.
I don't look too much like a roll of Lifesavers? Yes.
But the flavor goes on and on.
Oh, Niles, it's always the quiet ones.
I want to wear this to Mr.
Sheffield's big opening night, but I gotta practice sitting in it.
Whoa! That looks natural.
Well, maybe if I sat on the aisle? Oh, oh, thanks.
Well, here it is a full-page ad in today's paper.
"Opening tonight 'Norma,' a musical adaptation of Norma Rae, produced by Maxwell Sheffield and Cee Cee Boopcock?" / Boopcock? I proofread this ad copy myself, and then I gave it to Niles to send to the messenger Oh, how embarrassing.
Someone at that ad agency must have it in for you.
Oh, who would have thought that I would love a musical about a union organizer sorely in need of dress shields, but I'll tell you, I'm still humming the sweat shop number.
Uh-huh.
So Niles, you haven't told me what you thought of the preview.
Oh, it was wonderful, sir.
Those three hours and fifteen minutes flew by like three hours and ten.
And what a novel idea not to have an intermission.
Yes, thank you.
I'm, I'm very proud of the show.
Well, you should be.
I know my whole family is going to see it.
We're union workers from way back.
My Aunt Tessie was all-blouse.
What's all-blouse? / You know, from the commercial.
"Look for the union label when you are buying a coat, dress, or blouse.
" Yes, well, let's all break a leg tonight, shall we? Oh, you won't need luck, Mr.
Sheffield, not with the hit play you've got on your hands, Mister.
Niles, I'm not kissing up.
It's a very important play.
If I don't sit through it again, how am I going to get to the party? Come on.
Don't you want to hobnob with some celebrities? Miss Fine, I've been to scores of these and as yet, no one has hobbed my nobs.
Well, maybe you should try wearing something a little more low cut.
Fran, what do you think about this one? Oh, honey, that is entirely too revealing.
No, no, no.
It makes you look cheap and taudry.
Go put it back in my closet.
Fran, Brighten says he can see up my dress when I wear my Mary Janes.
Oh, sweetie, don't listen to him.
They make you look very lucky.
Oh, I see you're wearing the new Barbie underpants I bought you.
Say, Fran, can I go to that new mall in Jersey with with Kyle and a couple of guys? Which Kyle? The one with the braces or the one that smells like cheese? Cheese.
/ Oh,good.
The other one's weird.
How you going to get there? / His brother's driving.
How long has he had his license? / A while.
A while ten years or a while he still looks like the picture on his license? Oh, "B," I don't think so.
I don't want you getting into a car with a bunch of boys that just drive fast and act fresh, and then the next thing you know, you're hitchhiking on the Jersey turnpike wearing much too much makeup for your age -- oh.
I'm having a hypoglycemic attack.
I better have a Godiva.
Oh, cheer up, honey.
Hey, I've been to that mall.
They don't even have a Judy's there.
Besides, tonight's your father's big opening night.
What if you got stuck in traffic? Then you'd miss the whole thing.
I'm not that lucky.
Hum, nugget.
Say, Dad, could I go to the mall with Kyle? Well, I don't know.
What does Miss Fine say? Well, you see, she was kind of leaning towards no.
But between you and me, I think she's just a little overprotective, which is fine for the girls, but sometimes a man needs to get away.
Maxwell I know what you mean.
Well, all right.
Off you go, huh.
Have fun.
Yes terday, all my troubles seemed so far away.
Now it looks as though they're here to stay.
Well, the good news is "B," I'm usually a very fair nanny.
The bad news is it's the 28th day of the month.
Niles, how long are you going to polish that couch? The fumes are rather overwhelming.
After a while, you don't notice them, sir.
Oh, I couldn't resist the infomercial.
"Unwanted dirt just slides right off " Voila! Cheers.
Must be five o'clock somewhere.
I haven't been drinking, Nanny Fine.
I just slid off the couch.
And Ted Kennedy's nose is just sun damaged.
Mr.
Sheffield, you got a second? / Yes.
Well, Brighten -- / Whoops! Time's up.
Good-bye, Nanny Fine.
Well, you're in a good mood.
Well, I'll take care of that.
Well, this sounds like a must miss.
I have to pick up my dress from the cleaners anyway.
Ohhhh! It's also an excellent floor polish.
All right, Miss Fine, now what's all this about Brighten? Well, we've got a little problem.
Brighten knew I didn't want him to go to the mall.
So he used you to undermine me.
No.
In all fairness, he made it perfectly clear you'd already said no.
Oh, well, then I take it back.
We don't have a little problem.
We've got a big problem.
Miss Fine, don't you think you're being just a bit overprotective? It's a, it's a guy thing.
You know, I, I thought it was appropriate to just let him go.
And just how did you think he was getting to Jersey? He's going to Jersey? Just for the future, Mr.
Sheffield, when the kids say "Fran said, 'No,' " that's the big robot saying danger Will Robinson.
" You know, I could have stayed in England.
I'll make it simple for you.
Children are like a brassiere.
One part of me says get out the window quick.
But the other part just has to know why.
Because they divide and separate.
Ahhh / Your mother never told you that? No.
But we always thought mummy should have talked more about her underwear.
My point is that you have to give me full support.
You must back me up no matter what.
All right, Miss Fine, I promise, if you promise no brassiere analogies.
Cross my heart.
Ha, ha, ha, ha.
I don't want to hear that you don't want to go tonight.
That man works very hard to put a roof over your head.
Now stop whining and go put on your party clothes.
Oh, all right.
Don't give me that look.
/ What look? Oh, the look of anticipation, sir.
It's only four hours till "Norma.
" Try to hold on, man.
Do you smell cheese? Oh, that's Kyle.
All righty.
I'm going to the mall like you said.
I've changed my mind.
Brighten you're staying home.
and when Miss Fine says "No," it means no.
Good afternoon, monster -- ah, Master Kyle.
Dad, nothing's going to happen.
/ Look, I think I've made myself perfectly clear.
Is someone making grilled cheese? I think Kyle's just a little overheated.
Take your coat off, honey.
Hello, I'm Peter Bidwall.
I'll be driving the boys to the mall.
You must be Mr.
Sheffield.
/ Yes.
How do you do, sir? I saw your last play.
Brilliant.
Really? What was your favorite part? Mr.
Sheffield / Now, Miss Fine, he seems like a perfectly responsible young man.
Yeah.
Too bad that he's not the one that's driving.
/ What? I'll bet you dollars for donuts that this kid is the decoy.
We used to send Bridgett O'Malley in her parochial uniform to the door.
Meanwhile, behind the wheel is sitting Debbie Cutler burning her boyfriend's initials in her forearm.
Watch and learn.
Lovely home you have here.
Peter, I've never met you before.
Where do you go go school? Um, right around the corner.
/ Oh Who are you studying with? Hamagher or Schlemmer? Ah, Schlemmer? Okay.
Where'd they dig you up from? The Gap.
How much are they paying you? / Twenty.
Twenty? Boy, Bridgett used to do it for a pack of Kents.
Well, you're busted, you guys.
Sorry, guys.
No refunds.
Kyle, you paid him? Well, if he's not driving, then I'm not going.
Get out.
Oh, man, that was close.
Brighten -- / Allow, me, Miss Fine.
Brighten, you are grounded.
/ Ha And furthermore, you're not going to the show tonight.
Ohhh, but I've only seen that once.
You should have thought of that before.
Oh, well.
Freeze! Mr.
Sheffield, I think you're being just a little too severe.
He's really a good boy.
No, I'm not.
I'm bad, very bad.
He wants to come with us and see the play again.
All three acts.
Well / Oh, but I don't deserve it.
Oh, baby, you do.
You really do.
Mr.
Sheffield? Another opening, another shrimp joke.
Miss Fine, what were those two women behind you complaining about? Oh, who knows? Something about not being able to see.
What do you think, Niles? Niles? The Nicks are up by two.
Maxwell, the photographers want to take a picture of us.
/ Oh Go on, Nanny Fine, free shrimp.
You don't have to tell me twice Mr.
Sheffield, can we get a photo of you and Miss Boopcock? All right.
Not shall we? Wait a minute.
Are the busboys on strike? Oh, my God, those poor people.
Who's going to clear their tables? Miss Fine, after you.
Mr.
Sheffield, I can't go in there.
My mother had three rules: Never make contact with a public toilet; never ever ever cross a picket line.
What was the third one? Oh, yeah.
Never wear Musk oil to zoo.
Miss Fine, you're embarrassing me.
Now come along.
I can't.
My my Aunt All-Blouse would roll over in her grave, which was paid for by her union.
Now, will you please come in before this turns into a spectacle? / No, no .
No, I can't Stop it.
/ Would you let go, Miss Fine.
Would you please listen.
Oh, Niles, boy did I ruin Mr.
Sheffield's big night last night.
Well, you know what I'll do just to defuse the situation? I'll tell him how adorable he is, compliment him on his accent.
And if that fails, I can always turn on the tears.
He's a real sucker for crying.
Oh, hi, Niles / Hello.
Can you drop me off at Unemployment? Good morning, Miss Fine.
Entertainment section, please, Niles.
Oh, don't bother.
I've already scoured the paper.
I didn't see any mention of our little incident.
It was a coupon? Just imagine what this picture would have look liked, huh? Miss Fine! How could you do it to me? Well, I'm sorry.
But the Fines don't cross picket lines.
It's against our religion.
Like eating pork.
Well, you eat bacon.
/ No, I don't.
You most certainly do too.
All right.
But only if it's very crispy or in a club sandwich.
But don't ever tell my grandmother.
/ She eats it as well.
Oh, all right, we all do.
Mr.
Sheffield, what part of England do you come from? You have such a gorgeous accent.
Miss Fine Well, you don't understand anything.
Oh, I understand a lot more than you think.
Oh, what's the use? You blue bloods just don't know from us blue collars.
Oh, so now I don't appreciate the plight of the working man, huh? Look, I have a job.
/ Huh? I'm a working stiff, just like the next guy.
Oh, Niles, what is this on my shoe? Daddy, I need the limo.
I have a riding lesson after school.
But I have a play date with Ivanka Trunk.
Well, one of you will just have to take the Town Car, won't you? There.
See.
We have problems just like everyone else.
Maxwell, you are never going to believe what happened.
There was a message on your answering machine? No, no.
The box office does -- no The box office doesn't open for a hour, and there's already a line around the block, and Sally Jesse Rafael wants us on her show today.
Oh, I love her.
She's the best.
You know, Oprah goes up and down, but Sally maintains her ideal weight.
Cee Cee, Sally isn't inviting us to chat up the show.
She just wants us to talk up that bloody picket line incident.
Maxwell, Maxwell, Maxwell, she isn't going to be the only one with a mike.
I will just paint Nanny Fine as a disgruntled nut.
Disgruntled nut? That could work.
Well, maybe we should go.
I suppose I could try some damage control.
Maxwell, leave it to me.
I can fix anything.
You can fix anything? Cee Cee, there is a billboard in Town Square that says "Boopcock.
" Where's Steadman? That's "Oprah.
" This is "Sally.
" / Oh.
Five, four, three, two Well, today we have the producers of "Norma," which opened on Broadway yesterday to rave reviews, I might add.
So I told you you were worried about nothing.
Max, isn't it ironic that you are producing a play that is pro-union and yet you were photographed dragging an employee across the picket line? / I know.
I know.
Oh, would you look at the size of that picture.
I wonder how much it would cost to get that framed.
Well, Sally, first of all, I, I want to go on record as saying that "Norma" employs nearly Nanny Fine is a disgruntled nut.
Oh, look, my name's on TV.
Well, look at who we have here.
Fran Fine, the nanny.
/ Hi, Sally.
Why don't you join them on stage? / Oh, no, I couldn't -- oh, well, for the people.
Why don't you move over, Miss Boopcock Max, did you know that there was a strike? Well, no, of course not, Sally.
But what was I supposed to do? Everyone was already inside.
I mean, cast members, celebrities, the press.
I called Beef Steak Charlies.
They don't have a booth for 312.
Wow! That's a lot of important people.
What did you expect him to do, Fran? Fran? Fran? Oh, I'm sorry.
Well, you know, I understood why he crossed the picket line.
Why can't he understand why I couldn't? I, I thought we were supposed to back each other up no matter what? Oh, so I'm just supposed to play along with everything you say? Well, apparently I'm supposed to play along with everything you say.
/ Now -- Hold it folks.
/ What -- Max, what are we really talking about here? I mean in one word.
Support.
/ Good.
Fran, in one word.
One word? Good bloody luck.
Hey, mister they had to turn the music on to get you off the stage at the Tony Awards Kids, Maxwell, will you at least concede that perhaps you could have been a little bit more sympathetic to Fran's feelings on the picket line? Well, I suppose I maybe might? I missed that, Sally.
You're going to have to send me a transcript.
Well, look, it was a very important night for me.
You're important to me.
Ergo, I wanted you there.
Ergo? Who's ergo.
Sally, Sally Look, look, girl friend, didn't you hear what the man just said? He said you're important to him.
Is that what you said? / Yes.
Well, why can't they just communicate? You know, if we were running the world, there'd be no wars; right, girls? Right, right.
Right.
Because, because there'd be so much bloody talk, there'd be no time for the war; isn't that true, gentleman? Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! Whoof! Boy, that Sally is one fantastic interviewer.
She gets things out of you that you didn't even know were there.
That tax shelter where you hid all that money, I don't know how that came out.
Well, well, it wasn't a total disaster.
It seems our appearance shamed the hotel into settling with the busboys.
Oh, that makes me feel good because, you know, they work so hard, and all they really needed was to be treated with a little human dignity.
I thought you'd like that.
They settled for $8.
00 an hour.
What? For bringing water that you have to ask 16 times for, and then they take your plate before you're through.
Well, then, you know they're eating it in the back.
Oh, Niles, we are going to have to get organized.
We're being exploited.
Amen! Would you like some fois gras? / Nah.
I've had it up to here with Beluga.
Yes, life is tough, isn't it, folks? He should only walk a mile in my shoes.
Oh, Miss Fine, you can't walk a mile in your shoes.
/ Aha! Humm, humm, humm, humm, humm, humm a blouse humm, humm, humm, humm, humm, humm, humm, humm, humm.
Oh, Sally is very classy.
The way she handled those bisexual Siamese twins I'll tell you, Geraldo really sensationalized it, but Sally handled it with a plumb.
That's aplomb, Miss Fine.
No, it was a plumb.
What the devil does bisexual Siamese twins have to do with the plumb? It was pretty amazing.