The New Adventures of Old Christine s02e13 Episode Script

Oh! Everything looks so good.
What should I get? The Seaside Trio or the Seafood platter? Oh! What am I talking about? One of them is so big they serve it on a platter, for God sakes.
I'm going platter.
What about you? What are you getting? Nauseous.
I just ate lunch, like, a half hour ago.
Well, why did you do that if you knew we were going out to dinner? It's 4:30 in the afternoon! I don't even think they're open yet.
God, why are we here? My clock's a little off.
Since Barb and I became partners, I've taken the morning shift at the gym.
I have to open it up at 6:00 a.
m.
It's killing me.
Well, why don't you take the night shift? I'm better in the morning.
You're terrible in the morning.
Have you seen me at night? Anyway, I've been getting up earlier and earlier to do that, and then I've got to get Ritchie off to school, and I've got to do stuff at the house.
I mean, by the time the afternoon comes around, I'm done.
But this place is great.
They've got a bottomless basket of Cheddar Bay Biscuits.
Bottomless.
How do you know the menu so well? How often do you come here? Not that often.
Oh.
Hey, Christine.
I like your haircut.
Oh, yeah? 'Cause I went to your guy, Liz.
You were right about him, too.
He's a good shampooer.
Okay, so I've been here a couple of times.
My clock is off, okay? Oh, by the way, it's your birthday today.
Your clock is way off.
My birthday was over a month ago.
Yeah.
I know when your birthday is.
Oh, yeah? When is it? Today, okay? Shut your mouth.
You guys ready to order? Oh, yeah, Liz.
I'm going to have the Seafood Platter, and he's going to have the Ultimate Feast.
Oh.
By the way, it's his birthday today, so I guess we'll be getting that free cake.
You know, we don't really give out free cake on your birthday.
I just did it for you because you got so upset.
Yeah.
But now, it's his birthday, and I promised him, and I told him about it on the car ride over here, and now you're just going to cut him off just like that? Okay, I'll get the cake.
You're a doll.
Happy birthday.
Oh, God! I should have ordered some coffee.
This is great.
It's just like going out with Grandma, but without the bourbon and the stealing of the salt shakers.
Fine.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Red Lobster? It's so good.
Hey, do you want to go tomorrow? Say it's your birthday.
You took me there last week for my birthday.
Yeah? Then we'll say it's our anniversary.
It's time they start giving cake for that, too.
So is Ritchie ready to go? Yeah, I think so.
He's upstairs getting his stuff together.
He's going to be so excited.
Tomorrow, I'm taking him to the job site.
- Whose job site? - My job site.
It's huge job, too.
There's going to be a backhoe and a jackhammer and a steamroller.
I'm going to drive it over a garbage can.
It'll be awesome! You know, last time you took him there, he didn't like it.
Remember the accident? Oh, please.
There was no accident.
Our son lost the tip of his finger.
He got a splinter.
Then he got a scab, which fell off.
Fell off of what? The tip of his finger.
He was traumatized, Richard.
They had to draw turkeys in class.
He was too ashamed to trace his hand! You see? This is exactly why I want to take him to my job.
- You know what he said the other day? - What? He said, when he grows up, he wants to run a women's gym.
Aw! No.
Not "Aw!" Eww! What woman's going to want to join a gym run by a creepy little man with half a finger? He's coming to work with me tomorrow.
He'll love it.
- Hey, Dad.
- Hey, pal.
Guess who gets to go to work with me tomorrow.
- Who? - You.
He's excited.
What's happening? Matthew? Matthew! What? Turn down your stupid music! Geez! It's the middle of the night! I'm trying to sleep! That's not music.
It's the ice cream truck.
It's still daytime.
You went to bed 20 minutes ago.
What? Oh, my God! What's happening? I get no life anymore.
I go from work to Red Lobster to bed.
- What is today? - Saturday.
Ooh! Seafood Sampler Saturday.
Stop it! What's happening to you? Matthew, I've got to get out of this house.
I don't know if it's safe.
It's almost dusk.
Come on.
What are you doing tonight? God.
I'm busy.
I got a party.
Ooh! Perfect.
A party.
Yeah.
That's just what I need to get me out of my rut.
No, no.
You can't come with me.
My friends will be there.
They'll see you.
Come on.
Please, Matthew.
I'm in trouble.
I get up before the paper comes, I go to bed before my nine-year-old, and I'm eating three cups of drawn butter a day.
I need help! Okay.
You can come.
But, you know, you can't embarrass me.
If you mention any kind of "fest", lobster or otherwise, - we're out of there.
- Yeah.
Deal.
Deal.
This is good.
Yeah.
It's just what I need.
One night out that will reset my clock.
Everything will get back to normal.
Hey, do you think we're gonna be out past 9:00? Because, if we are, I'm going to need to bring my calcium supplements.
Look, pal, I know you had a bad experience last time you came to work with me.
The accident? It was a splinter.
I think you and your mom have made this into a bigger deal than it is.
Come on.
It'll be good for you.
You'll come to work with me, and see it's not dangerous.
Hey, I'll let you use the nail gun.
I don't feel good.
Maybe I should sleep here tonight.
You don't feel good, huh? All right.
Well, then, we'll hang out here for a while and, if you start to feel better, we'll take it from there.
And, in the meantime, look what I got for you.
Huh? Why don't you try it on? It hurts! It's not even touching your head yet.
It's sharp.
It's not sharp.
It's a hard hat.
Well, it's hard.
Okay.
We'll just take it slow.
Matthew I'm completely overdressed for this party.
Why didn't you tell me? Well, you're over a lot of things for this party.
Didn't think it was polite to point it out.
Hey! The Squib's here.
Oh, good.
Can't have a party without The Squid.
Hi, Squid! Hey.
It's "Squib.
" Oh, right.
Yeah.
Talk to me like that, because "Squid" would be a stupid name.
So you went to Stanford with all these people? No.
I did go to Berkeley with all these people, however.
Oh, right.
I'm a little nervous.
It's good music, huh? I'm telling you right now, if you booty-pop at this party, you're walking home.
All right.
I don't get out that much.
What is that smell? Matthew? Matthew? Is that weed? - Hey, bud.
- Hi.
- Feel a little better? - No.
What's that? Just some wood and building materials I found in the garage.
What are you gonna do with it? - Nothing you'd be interested in.
- Okay.
Hey, Ritchie, you want to get the door for me? Okay.
Thank you.
So you're probably looking at that and thinking it's just a pile of wood.
But to a contractor like me, it can be anything you want.
What do you want it to be? I don't know.
A pile of wood.
Something else.
A puppy.
Sweetie, it can't be a puppy.
A fish.
It can't be a fish.
It's got to be something made of wood.
Oh.
Okay.
A tree.
You know it can't be a tree.
Ritchie you know what I'm trying to get at here.
You don't have to go to the job site tomorrow, but I'd like you to help me build something so I can show you how cool my job is.
Because maybe it's something you'd be interested in when you grow up.
Yeah? So let's build something.
Could we build a car? Yes! Thank you, God! Great idea.
Let's build a car.
- Can I wear gloves? - Sure.
Can I wear a costume? No, Ritchie.
No, you may not.
Oh, come on.
Even if the U.
S.
did ratify the Kyoto Protocol, it would take years to undo the environmental devastation that we've caused.
Yeah.
You know what that's called? That's an inconvenient truth.
What are you talking about? The movie? About the environment? With Al Gore? It's an important film.
Yeah, I know.
I contributed some of the research for the Greenland study.
Oh.
I I didn't, um actually see it yet, but, um I heard it's good.
So congrats.
Yeah.
God! I bet Greenland was cold, huh? I mean, not as cold as it used to be, but, you know So that's, uh Hi.
- Hi.
- Hey.
Seit der Wiedervereinigung, ist die Lebensqualitat im Osten nur schlechter geworden.
What is that? German? Come on.
We're leaving.
What? Why? There's someone here I don't want to see.
Oh, yeah, the Germans? No, no, Tori.
I used to go out with her until she dumped me.
Oh, which one is she? The beautiful one? You're kidding me.
She went out with you? Thank you.
That helps me.
Listen Crap! She saw me! Matthew! Matthew, what's going on? I've never seen you like this.
It's a long story.
I was in love with her.
You know, I thought she was the one, and then out of nowhere she broke up with me.
You were in love? Where was I? Well, most of it happened after Come on.
How come you never told me any of this? It was a while ago.
You were dealing with your own stuff with Richard.
I didn't want to bother you.
Bother me? I'm your sister.
That's what I'm here for.
Christine, our relationship is kind of a one-way street; when you have a problem, I listen to your problem.
When I have a problem, that's a problem because we're still on your problems.
God, it makes me sound so awful and shellfish.
You said "shellfish.
" No, I didn't.
I said "selfish.
" I can't believe that's what you think of me.
I hate that.
Come on.
Let's just get out of here.
No, I feel like I don't know anything about you.
I mean, you, you were in love, your friends are German, your parties are boring.
I mean, I didn't know any of this.
It's okay, Christine.
I'm fine with the way things are.
- It works for us.
- No, I don't accept that.
I'm your sister.
We need a new dynamic.
Yeah, no, thank you.
Let's go.
Matthew, you can't just run away when you see her.
You lobster once.
I'm not going to let you do it again.
You said "lobster.
" I'm starving! There's not even any food here! Oh, I don't think I can do this.
Yes, of course you can.
Just go over there and act natural.
Don't let her know that she got to you, okay, 'cause there's nothing a woman likes more than a guy she didn't get to.
Really? I don't know.
Just don't let her know that she hurt you, okay? Really.
After my divorce, I didn't let anybody see my pain.
Are you kidding me? You laid in bed, sobbing and tearing at your clothes.
But nobody saw me.
I saw you.
But nobody else saw me, okay? Come on.
Matthew, you're funny, you're smart, you're good-looking.
I mean, and what is she? She's nothing.
Actually, she's Undersecretary of Environmental Affairs for the state of California.
Oh, really? And she's so pretty.
Boy, she's something.
- Stop.
- Go.
Hey, chuckles, you know what time it is? - 7:45.
- Ugh! That's all? God, why is life so long? Hey, Tori.
Hi, Matthew.
Hey, Tori.
I got here late.
I thought I'd miss you.
Oh, my God.
I miss you, too.
I think about you all the time.
What? No, I said I wasn't sure I'd see you.
I thought I'd miss you.
I miss you, too.
So what do you think so far? This is fun.
See? Shows what a little hard work and imagination can do.
Tomorrow, we'll flatten it with a steamroller.
I want to be a contractor.
You do? Wow, this is intense.
Come on.
Let's get her out in the street and see what she can do.
Splinter.
- Hey.
- Hey, hey! Hey, how'd it go? Well, I didn't let her see she got to me.
Oh, good.
I did cry in front of her and tell her I love her, though.
Okay, uh, I'm gonna go talk to her.
What? No, you can't-- she already thinks I'm pathetic, and now I'm gonna send my sister in there to stick up for me? Let's just get out of here.
No, no, I'm good at this, okay? Let me help you.
This is our new dynamic.
No, no, we're done with that.
I'm just gonna get my coat.
You stay.
What? Hey.
Good party, huh? - Uh, I guess.
- Yeah.
I-I saw you were talking to Matthew.
Yeah.
Why? Um, no, it's no reason.
It's just that I, I get a little jealous because he's my boyfriend.
And he's, uh he's hot.
He's your brother, Christine.
I've met you before.
Oh, damn it! I've got to pay closer attention.
Okay, look, uh, Tori, that was stupid, I know, but I just want you to know that I think you're wrong about Matthew.
Really.
I mean, he's such a great guy.
He's thoughtful and he's selfless.
You know, when I was going through my divorce, I was having a really bad time, and Matthew helped me through it totally.
I mean, he'd, like, sit on the edge of my bed and he'd read Self magazine to me, and one time he painted a face on his tummy and he put on this tummy puppet show.
And, oh, God, we watched Under The Tuscan Sun like, you know, 50 times, and he'd start crying and then I'd go, and, oh! You know, I'm just What I'm trying to tell you is that he's a good man.
He sounds like a good woman, and you sound like a mess.
All right, fair enough.
Hi.
Um, I-I-I accidentally might have talked to Tori and made things just a-a smidge worse.
You spoke to her after I told you not to? What did you say? I just, I just tried to talk you up, you know? I told her how you helped me through my divorce Oh, no.
The tummy puppet show? I told her that.
Self magazine? Uh I don't know.
I may have mentioned that.
Under The Tuscan Sun? No! - I have a brain in my head.
- Oh, you told her! Matthew, I'm sorry, okay? I think it's sweet.
I was trying to help.
That makes me look like a weenie! No, she doesn't think you're a weenie.
She thinks you're a woman.
- Oh, my God! - A good woman! You're unbelievable! I asked you to stay out of this.
No, I did it for you.
No, you didn't, you did it for you because you're shellfish! - Oh, you - I know what I just said! Christine? What are you doing? Oh, God, I just took a little nap.
Hey, you know that smell from before? Definitely weed.
So, where were you? With Tori.
We went for a walk.
Oh, really? That's good.
Was it good? No, she spent most of the time checking her e-mail on her cell phone until I mentioned that I was going to med school, and then she suddenly got interested.
- Ew.
- I know.
- Did you tell her to get lost? - No, I made out with her.
Oh, so you're back together? No, but she told me to give her a call when I was done with med school.
Oh.
But you're not gonna? I probably will.
Oh.
So did I help at all? Not even a little bit, but thanks.
Matthew, I'm sorry.
I-I promise I'm gonna try to pay closer attention to your life.
I'm gonna be a better sister.
Come on.
I'll buy you a bucket of fish.
Oh, you're so good to me.
Is it feeling any better? No, it's still throbbing.
So did you have any fun tonight? I can't remember anything before the accident.
Richard.
Ritchie.
What are you guys doing here? It's the middle of the night.
It's ten to 9:00.
No, it was ten to Whoo! Why is it so cold in here? It's all right, grandma.
You're just getting near the end.
Hey, what happened to your finger? It's just a splinter.
How'd it happen? I don't remember anything before the accident.
Nothing? Good.
Today's your birthday.
Let's see what else they have on a platter.
For some reason, I'm starving.
What do you smell like? A party.