The Ranch (2016) s02e13 Episode Script

- Hey! - Hey.
Oh, shit! Look at that black eye.
Is that from some kinky post-proposal sex? 'Cause I get that.
Last Valentine's, I gave Mary some flowers and chocolates.
She gave me some choke marks and rope burns.
No, Thomas Rhett sucker-punched me when I got on stage to propose.
You fucking kidding me? - A celebrity punched you in the face? - Yeah.
I've never been more proud of you in my life.
I know, right? Up until then, the most famous person to ever punch me was the Captain Morgan pirate.
Don't give me a bottle of rum and expect me not to twist your mustache.
- Hey, you tell Mom and Dad? - Yeah, I told Dad.
He said, "Congratulations.
So that's why you're fucking late?" Told Mom.
She's real psyched about having Abby as part of the family.
She started to cry.
Although, she was at a protest, so I don't know if it was from the news or the tear gas.
You tell Abby's parents? Yeah.
They cried too.
And swore.
A lot.
But it's okay.
I'm gonna invite 'em over for dinner.
Make 'em Grandma Bennett's apple crumble.
Dude, Grandma Bennett didn't cook.
The only thing she ever made was Aunt Lucy a stripper.
So, that's why she always put singles in our birthday cards.
Shit, who's that woman out there with Dad? Oh, dibs.
Okay, first of all, you're with Mary.
Second of all, you can't call dibs on a person.
She's not the last PBR.
By the way, this is the last PBR.
Dibs.
- Hey.
- Hi! Boys, this is Jen Parnell.
These are my sons, Colt and Rooster.
Nice to meet you guys.
I'd like to say I heard good things, but I just spent the last hour with your dad.
Jen's an engineer with Rocky Mountain Natural Gas.
Oh, engineer, huh? Well, you must be smart and shit.
I am.
I went to the University of Wyoming.
I majored in smart and minored in shit.
Yeah.
Wyoming recruited me pretty hard for football - but I don't look good in brown.
- Mmm.
My skin's more of a spring-summer palette.
Okay, well, I have to get going but I will leave you with this.
If you have any questions, the best way to get in touch is e-mail.
What's the second-best way? - My number's on the card.
- Ah.
It was great to meet you, Beau.
You too.
Goodbye.
Holy shit.
I've never seen anybody go out the front door.
I forgot that thing was there.
I know.
She was knocking out there forever.
I thought it was a fucking woodpecker.
What'd she want? Gas company's building a pipeline.
They want to put it through our land.
And you let her in? Come on, Dad, you hate solicitors.
You won't even sign for a UPS package.
Grown men shouldn't wear shorts.
I told her we might be interested.
- Really? - Are you serious? Man, you're getting soft in your old age.
I wanted to put up a windmill, you hit me with a shovel.
Yeah, they're offering a lot of money, but I'm torn.
Goes against everything I know and feel about being a steward of the land.
I mean, Dad, this is a shit ton of money.
Would be nice to have a little safety net, you know? Not have to throw them bills away and pretend we never got 'em.
Yeah, maybe.
My old man would be rolling over in his grave.
I don't know.
I think if Grandpa Bennett was here, he'd want us to take the money and pass this place down to future generations of Bennetts.
Uh, plus, he'd want us to spend some of that money to buy a couple of sweet-ass Jet Skis.
We're not getting fucking Jet Skis, you idiot.
This is natural gas money, all right? We're getting a big-ass pontoon boat.
Hell yeah.
This will really help.
I mean, God is throwing us a bone.
We need to bury that fucker 20 feet in the ground and pump natural gas through it.
I don't know.
I've never said this to you boys before, but maybe you're right.
Hell yeah! First thing I gotta do is go talk to Sam Peterson and get his okay.
Why? The gas company has to cross his land in order to get to where they wanna put the pipeline.
Well, Peterson's not gonna agree to that.
- Bye-bye, Jet Skis.
- Yeah.
Bye-bye, pontoon boat.
Bye-bye, electric bill.
- Hey, Rooster.
- Hey, Hank.
Sorry, man, I can't give you a beer today.
That's not funny.
Look, I can't serve till I talk to Jerry.
- But you're drinking.
- Yeah, I work here.
Right.
Can I work here? Hey, Rooster.
Guy who's always here.
Jerry, let's talk.
All right, listen.
If anybody asks, you found that in the alley.
Any chance I found some onion rings out there too? - Hey.
What's the deal, man? - Hey, how are you? Did you, uh, did you talk to the liquor board? Yeah, I did.
And you got two options.
You can either pay a $1,000 fine or you can shut down the bar for three days.
Well, I don't got a thousand bucks.
Okay, then you have one option.
No, I can't shut down either, okay? I'm barely breaking even.
Last month, I almost called Immigration so I don't have to pay Emilio.
Look, Rooster, I know this isn't what you wanna hear, but it's just a standard penalty for a first offense.
No, Jerry, this is bullshit, okay? They sent in a hot, underage chick to come flirt with me and buy a beer.
- That is classic entrapment.
- I get it.
You know, I went to this Phish concert and this hippie chick asked me if I had any acid.
So, I unzipped my fanny pack and the next thing I know is that I'm handcuffed, face down in the mud.
Which, you know, when you're high feels amazing.
Look can we, like, fight this in court, or Oh, you could, yeah.
But even if you win, it's gonna cost you even more.
Fucking lawyers, huh? All right, fine, I'll shut down.
Okay.
I'm sorry, Rooster.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Jerry.
Thanks for coming.
- You bet.
I mean, what the fuck, Hank? I found it in the alley.
Hey, Sam.
Sneaking up on a man on his own property is a good way to get shot.
Unless that man is you, then it's a good way to get missed by 30 yards.
What you doing here, Beau? Well, I was hoping we could talk.
Well, I was hoping to get drunk.
How 'bout we do both? Colt told me about your condition.
Real sorry to hear it.
My condition? You're talking about my inoperable brain tumor.
But "condition," that's cute.
Jesus Christ.
I think I found the cause.
Yeah.
Well, now this is the treatment.
I see you finally built yourself a smokehouse.
Yeah.
Smoking some rabbits over mesquite right now.
So we done with the fucking small talk? Rocky Mountain Natural Gas came by my place today.
They wanna put a pipeline across my land.
A pipeline across your land and not mine.
Well, that answers one big question.
There is no fucking God.
In order to put it in, they'd have to cut an access road across your southeast corner.
Well maybe there is a God.
There's money in it for you too.
Maybe then you could buy yourself a seeing eye dog for when this shit makes you go blind.
This could be a good deal for both of us.
If I want smoke blown up my ass, I'll go spread my cheeks over those 30 rabbits in that shed.
Why should I do you any favors? I don't know.
Maybe 'cause we're neighbors.
Oh, we're neighbors, huh? Well, that's news to me.
Seems to me a neighbor would have been there when the blizzard of '94 took out my barn.
Please, that barn was a piece of shit.
And if the blizzard of '94 didn't get it, it would've come down in the light breeze of '95.
Where in the hell were you when I got so hard up I had to turn my power off? Sitting in my well-lit living room, watching Wheel of Fortune and laughing at your ass.
Where were you when Estelle got sick? Where were you when Maggie left? I'll tell you where I wasn't.
I wasn't in my damn deer stand 'cause you tore it down.
There it is.
It always comes back to that fucking deer stand.
I tore it down 'cause it was on my property.
When are you gonna get over that? When you admit that it was on my property! You're gonna be waiting for the rest of your life for that.
Well, then, thank God I ain't got much time left.
Yeah.
Finally something we can agree on.
Oh, hey, I know your, uh, parents are snobby about cheese, so I put out the orange and the yellow.
They're not coming.
- What? - Yeah.
Apparently, my dad refused.
Says he's not gonna fake being happy while I "throw my life away.
" Shit.
You know, I thought we'd moved past the phase where your dad hates me and moved into the phase where he pretends to like me.
I don't want him to fucking pretend, all right? This is bullshit.
Look, he's just being protective of his daughter.
He sees me as the guy who flunked out of college, threw away his football career, knocked up some girl.
I hope our daughter has better taste than you.
Don't defend him, all right? And I have great taste.
Look at these throw pillows.
Ab, you're new to this whole "my dad being disappointed with my life decisions" thing.
You know who else's dad used to hate me? - Yours? - That's right.
But this year - he got me a card on my birthday.
- Hmm.
And it said, "Love, Dad.
" And granted, he sent it through the mail 'cause he didn't wanna hand it to me in person, but, I mean, still, that's huge.
Your dad loves you.
He'll come around.
Yeah, but my dad doesn't let anything go.
He still calls me "Toots" 'cause one time, when I was three years old I farted in the bathtub.
That's funny.
- Oh, I'm sorry Toots.
- Stop.
Look, it might not be today, might not be tomorrow, but eventually, we're gonna be one big happy family.
We'll have our stockings hanging from the mantle.
It'll be Chuck, Janice, Colt, Toots.
Hey, babe.
Oh, a bearded man in camo bringing me Dairy Queen.
Those girls on The Bachelor do not know what romance is.
Wait, did you watch The Bachelor without me? Yeah.
I didn't think you'd mind.
Casey didn't get a rose.
Casey's gone? Man, fuck this day! I'm guessing your meeting with Jerry didn't go well? No, it did not go well.
Gotta shut down the bar for three days.
It's gonna cost me a shit ton of money.
By the way, you owe me $7 for your half of the DQ.
- God! Shut down? I'm sorry, sweetie.
- Yeah.
Why am I getting punished, huh? I'm a small business owner, you know.
The backbone of America.
I was gonna pay my taxes and everything this year.
Well, you know what? Fuck that! Yeah, tax evasion is awesome, honey, but I think you're just upset.
Yeah, because I didn't do anything wrong.
Okay, well, um, you did serve a minor.
How am I supposed to know? Those are not the boobs of a 20-year-old.
I don't think the boob defense is gonna hold up in court.
Yeah, Jerry said the same thing.
I'm just saying it wouldn't kill you to take responsibility for your actions sometimes.
Mary, I'm not gonna take responsibility for something that's not my fault.
Yeah, but see, that's the thing.
It is never your fault.
You know, you left your family ranch.
You said, "My dad's an asshole.
" - "He wouldn't listen to me.
" - Mmm-hmm.
You got fired from Neumann's Hill.
"My boss is an asshole.
- "He had too many rules.
" - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Then you got a speeding ticket.
You said the cop's an asshole 'cause he was jealous of your hair.
He was.
He was a bald fucking asshole.
Exactly.
It's never your fault, ever.
I didn't come over here to have you lecture me like I'm one of your kids.
- Quit acting like one.
- I'm not.
You know how I know? I'm not shooting out babies like Pop-Tarts.
Are you fucking kidding me? You know what, I don't need this shit.
I'm gonna go home and watch Bachelor by myself.
He ends up hooking up with Britney P.
In the fantasy suite.
You're a monster.
Hey, let me ask you something, Dad.
- Do you think it was my fault - Yes.
Do you think it was my fault the bar got busted? Can you guess what my answer's gonna be? - Yeah, but, Dad, they set me up - Rooster.
Your mother ran that bar for 15 years.
Never once got shut down.
Well, that's not true.
One time, the bathroom flooded.
That also was your fault.
- Hello? - Hey, Jen.
Hi.
Sorry to interrupt.
I was knocking on the front door, but nobody answered.
That's it.
I'm boarding that thing up.
Hey, can I get you a drink? You want a beer or something? - I'm driving.
- Oh, so, like, you want a to-go cup, or I'm fine.
Thank you.
I actually stopped by because I have some good news.
After you told me Peterson was out, I talked to my engineers and they took satellite images of your land.
First thing we noticed is that on the roof of your barn, it says, "F you, Russia.
" After that, we found that there's an old dirt road that leads to this outbuilding.
Neither was on the original survey we had.
Oh, yeah.
That's not an outbuilding.
That's the hunting cabin.
That's where I live.
It's pretty badass.
It's rustic, rugged.
It's kinda like me.
Which one are you? Colt or Chicken? He's Chicken.
I never thought of this thing as a road.
It's more like a trail.
All we need is permission to widen it a little bit so the trucks can use it.
Oh.
Now Dad needs my permission, huh? Which you have.
This red line is the property line, right? Mmm-hmm.
- So this grove of trees is on my side.
- Yes.
So is this wonderful granite and shale deposit.
You probably don't care, but that's like porn for geologists.
Son of a bitch.
That grove of trees is where Peterson put that deer stand.
For 30 years, he's been telling me I was wrong, but here it is.
I was right.
Hey, who cares? We don't need Peterson anymore.
We can get the pipeline.
And the pipeline money.
Which just leaves one question.
Hey, Jen, how do you feel about a pontoon boat? Not a big fan, Chicken.
Fucking Chicken.
- Hey, Dad.
- Morning.
- You busy? - Yep.
Okay.
Look, Colt, I'm in a good mood.
It's calving season.
We've got a pasture full of healthy, pregnant cows.
And later, I'm gonna take this over to Peterson, roll it up tight and shove it up his ass.
Well, at least one of us is happy.
Sure wish I was.
You know, I can roll this thing up tight right now.
What do you want? Did Mom's dad like you? Yeah, he loved me.
Why wouldn't he? I served my country.
You know, I ran a successful business.
I provided a safe and stable home for his daughter.
- Right.
- Abby's dad's not a fan? He's gonna fight this thing with me and Abby the whole way.
Yeah.
It's too bad he's not a warm, open-minded father like me.
How do you want this thing with her dad to end? I was hoping it'd end with him on his deathbed, calling me over, and whispering in my ear "Thank you for taking care of my daughter.
By the way, I wanna give you my cherry '66 Stingray.
" And ideally, that would happen next week.
- Colt - You know, I invited him over for dinner.
He didn't even bother to come.
And I bought that, you know, that expensive spray cheese.
It's, like, brie-flavored.
I think that's French for cheese.
That clearly makes up for years of you acting like a dipshit.
I mean The worst part is it's killing Abby.
I've been thinking for the last couple of days how to fix this You know what? Fuck him.
Colt, this isn't just some referee who made a wrong call.
This is your future father-in-law.
You gotta swallow your pride, own up to your side of things.
Figure out how to move forward.
Be the bigger man.
Why do I gotta be the bigger man? Well, if you're not, there's a good chance this thing doesn't get fixed.
You're right.
No shit.
Mr.
Phillips.
Look what you did.
I missed the kill shot.
Now I'm starting to think I should have approached you when I saw you in the sleeping bag section.
What are you doing here, Colt? We need to talk.
Uh, Mrs.
Phillips said you weren't home, so I knew there's only three places you could be.
You weren't at work, you weren't at Wendy's.
Uh, that left the Bass Pro Shops.
Oh, uh, also, I I got you a Baconator.
You like Frosties, right? Not hungry, thanks.
Okay.
Good.
I'll be honest with you.
I ate half the Frosty on the way over here.
Um Look, I know you don't like me.
You're right.
Good talk, Colt.
But I also know that I haven't given you much of a reason to like me.
You haven't given me any reason to like you.
Okay.
Um You know, I'm a different person now.
The the guy that you knew when I was in high school doesn't exist anymore.
Does the guy who knocked up Heather Roth a few months ago exist? That's fair.
I made a mistake.
But I didn't run.
I stepped up and did the right thing.
Mr.
Phillips, haven't you ever made a mistake? Colt, my worst mistake would be your crowning achievement.
Nothing you can say is gonna make me change my mind.
Okay, uh, we're getting married.
So we gotta figure this thing out.
Not for me, not for you, but for Abby.
Don't you think I want to walk my own daughter down the aisle? Don't you think I want a son-in-law to hunt with, instead of hunt down? But it's my job to protect my daughter.
And I can't protect her from you, and that kills me.
Yeah, it's also killing her.
Well, that's on you, Colt.
Yeah.
Me.
No.
No.
You know what? I came over here to be the bigger man.
But you don't want to solve this, you you just want to be right.
I'm the asshole? Nah.
You're the asshole.
Excuse me? You claim that you love your daughter.
You claim you wanna protect her.
But all you're doing is turning your back on her.
You know, someday, God willing, we're gonna have kids, and I can't imagine hurting them the way you're hurting her.
Don't you dare lecture me.
You have no idea what the fuck you're talking about.
Well, I know one thing.
This, right here, this is your biggest mistake.
Rooster, what are you doing here? Hey, look, I came to apologize, all right? Now, I wanted to get you a rose like on The Bachelor but Circle K was out of flowers, so I got you a churro.
There's a bite out of it.
And I'll admit that that's my fault.
Rooster, we gotta Look, look, just sit down for a second.
Let me just say this, okay? I was pissed about getting busted but you're right, it was my fault and I need to own up to that.
I was having a really shit day, and I just completely took it out on you.
The truth is you're the best thing I got going on in my life right now.
Do you wanna marry me? Oh, shit.
Wow.
No, marriage, you know.
Mary, it's just, I hadn't given it a lot of thought yet No, it's fine.
I don't wanna marry you, either.
Okay.
Harsh.
At least I was pretending.
Look, the other night, we got in this big fight, you stormed out, and I didn't even think about burning your laundry.
I just listened to Lee Brice and folded it.
- So, what's wrong with that? - Everything.
I wanna have a deeper connection.
You know, I wanna love someone enough to burn their shit.
What are you saying? I mean, we have a good time together.
Yeah, we do.
We like the same TV shows, we like having sex.
Exactly.
For a second there, I thought you were breaking up with me.
I am breaking up with you.
Oh.
- Okay.
- I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
You are a great guy but it's just not enough anymore.
Right.
Well, I'm not sure what to say.
I think I'll just get out of here.
I'm really, really sorry.
No, it's fine.
I'll be good.
Look, Mary, you're a real cool chick, you know.
And I hope, someday, you find somebody whose shit you wanna burn.
This kid wrote that Abraham Lincoln was the father of our country.
Smart kid.
One of your honor students? No.
Whatever, Abraham Lincoln was the best.
He freed the slaves and he was a kick-ass vampire hunter.
Jeff Scurry, this is your lucky day.
With one simple line, your "F" becomes an "A.
" Oh, shit, Mr.
Phillips.
Can I talk to Abby? It's fine, Dad.
He can stay.
No, no.
You two you two talk.
I'll just help you grade some of these papers.
Please, don't.
Right.
Okay.
Just so you know, there's two sides to every story.
I bought him a Baconator.
All right, if you're here to lecture me again about Colt, I don't want to hear it.
No, I'm I'm here 'cause Oh, Christ, how can I say this? When you were about 14, you did something that really upset me.
Oh, you mean when I started smoking weed? What? No.
You smoke weed? Tried it once, hated it.
Keep going.
No, I'm I'm talking about that phase you went through where you stopped being a Broncos fan and started rooting for the Cowboys.
- Yeah, you hated that.
- One time, Denver was playing Dallas.
And I was hoping the Broncos would crush 'em and you'd come back to your senses.
But the crazy thing is once the game started, and I saw you sitting there in your stupid Troy Aikman jersey I found myself rooting for the Cowboys.
What? Why? Because I knew how happy you'd be if they won.
I wasn't really rooting for the Cowboys.
I was rooting for you.
Abby, I would do anything to make you happy.
Even if it meant supporting something I hate.
Colt's the Cowboys of boyfriends, isn't he? Colt's the Cleveland Browns.
I'm still not sold on him, but - I know that you love him.
- I really do.
And he says he loves you.
If I can put up with Troy Aikman in your life, I can put up with Colt Bennett.
- So, you'll be at our wedding? - Of course.
You're my little Toots.
I love you.
I love you too, Dad.
Come here.
Thank you.
What the fuck you doing on my property? Hey, Sam, it's me.
Why do you think I have this gun? What are you doing here? I'm here to apologize to my neighbor and return his deer stand.
Get the fuck off my land.
Hey, Sam, you're right.
You were always right.
This is your property.
I know what you're doing.
You're trying to get me to sign off on that access road.
It's not gonna work.
I don't need it.
They found another way in.
I'm here because of the snow plow.
What the fuck you talking about? The morning Rooster was born, and Maggie and I were stranded down at the fire station.
You hooked that blade up to your pickup and drove all the way down there to bring us home.
You were a good neighbor.
Hell, you were a good friend.
This damn thing has gotten in our way for way too long.
Only 'cause you let it.
All right, I've said my piece.
Enjoy your deer stand.
I'm going home.
All this being nice has made me fucking exhausted.
All we had was a laundry basket.
- What? - For Rooster's car seat that morning we brought him home.
He slept all the way on a pile of freshly washed linens.
He threw up all over those sheets.
Yeah, he's still doing that.
I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Estelle passed.
Thanks for saying that.
I'm I'm sorry I wasn't there for you when Maggie left.
Although I can't say I blame her.
- Fuck you, Sam.
- Fuck you too, Beau.