The Ricky Gervais Show (2010) s02e13 Episode Script

For the past few years Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant, and Karl Pilkington have been meeting regularly for a series of pointless conversations.
This is one of them.
- Testing.
- Is that all right? Hello and welcome to "The Ricky Gervais Show" with me, Ricky Gervais, Stephen Merchant - Hello.
- And the little round-headed buffoon.
That is Karl Pilkington.
Hi.
Robert nozick did this thing that If you could go into a flotation tank, and you led a whole virtual life and it was the best life possible You did exactly what you've always wanted, you became the person you wanted to be, you did the best things you could ever dream of doing and you literally couldn't tell the difference So it was your life, okay? And you lived your biological life out.
In that tank and died at 80 and had the best life any person could ever have.
You could pre-program it.
Would you get into that tank knowing what you know now, knowing that you will have the best life ever with no heartache, no upset, no no loved ones dying? So what's happening when When I'm sort of having a packet of munchies? Am I having them or are they imaginary? They're imaginary, but you can't tell the diffenence.
It's the best packet of munchies you've ever had.
I love the fact.
That you went into the floatation tank, right, and your one proviso was "are munchies as good?" - Yeah, absolutely.
- No no, I'm taking it back to basics.
- That is basic.
- You've got to pre-program your life, that's where you'd start is it? Munchies must always taste magnificent.
It's just if you can still enjoy the basic things in life.
- Then that's when you can't go wrong.
- Yes, you do.
You enjoy them more You are the you're the It's the life you'd ever want to live - a bit dangerous.
Lving it.
- Sorry? D why, go on, why? Just, um I don't know, because sometimes I think things.
Don't happen for the best, right? - Right.
- Sometimes you can sort of think, "oh, I'll enjoy that if that happens.
" And then it doesn't happen.
And you've had time to think about what would have happened.
Ah, but this is perfect.
No, this is built in.
Because whatever happens is for the best.
So not only when you're in this floatation tank are you enjoying yourself, the things just keep getting better or staying as good.
So you never have a bad day? You never have a bad day.
How long would that last for before you go "I'm fed up with this"? Why would you get fed up with it? Because you'd do something else.
- It's the perfect life.
- Bear in mind, you're not aware.
That you're in the floatation tank.
You've made that deal, but then once you're in there, you're not aware of being in the floatation tank.
You're living your life and it's perfect.
You're happy.
Well, we don't know how you would be happy.
You'd just have munchies every day and Yeah, you'd get in it then.
You'd get in it.
If you don't know you've got in this tank If I somehow go to bed at night and someone injects me in the head and then they go "right, stick him in the tank now," and then I wake up, a packet of munchies there, sun's out.
Suzanne goes, "oh, it's a nice day.
We'll go and do something nice.
" "But you're meant to be at work.
" And she goes, "no, I don't have to go in today.
" "Well, all right, let's go out then.
" Now what's interesting there is that within the scenario I gave you any life, you could do anything And you chose the exact life you've got now, except Suzanne's got a day off.
Now I both love that and I was a bit suspicious though, that she's just taken a day off.
No wait, it's not happening now.
It's not happening really happening.
You can do anything you'd like.
But I like the fact now you're even questioning.
You're not in the tank and why has Suzanne got a day off, right? Now I love that because that suggests to me that you're A nice, happy, satisfied Whatever you want to do it Contented person.
Who's got thpeperfect life.
However it's almost like.
You haven't fully understood the possibilities.
For example, you wake up, there's the munchies, sunny day, Suzanne's not at work, you say, "why aren't you at work?" She goes to you, "hold on though.
Why are you flying?" And you go, "I just can.
" But you hadn't even thought that maybe you could fly or swim or hold your breath.
You're just gonna have some munchies for breakfast.
- Hang on a minute.
This is day one.
- Oh okay.
- When you go on holiday - Yeah? Like I said before, you don't turn up and go, "right, it's 1:00, jet ski for half an hour, bungee jumping 40 minutes after that.
Let's have a nice roti and, you know, try a little cocktail.
What do you do? What do you do when you arrive there? Well, you get there, the fellow takes your case to the room.
You have that panic of, "am I gonna give him too much money?" I don't know the currency well enough yet.
I don't know how much things are.
More information than we asked for.
The most mundane.
- Scenario I've ever heard.
- No, but this is what happens.
- In real life.
- Okay, you're just telling us what happens.
- When you go on holiday.
What's your point? - Okay.
Because you don't want fun all in one go.
You want to build to it, 'cause that's sometimes part of it.
Right, yeah, okay.
Anticipation yeah, good.
Yeah yeah, that little bit.
Is about things taking time, isn't it? Then looking back at the journey and going, - "how did I get here?" - Can I ask a question? Sorry, I'm just What I'm fascinated to know is.
If you decided to sign up to the float-tank idea, okay? You can design your perfect life But I prefer not to know I'm doing it.
No, you won't know.
You won't know.
I want to ask this question.
Imagine Ricky and I are the doctors, okay? We can put you in this tank, all we need to know from you now is what your perfect life is and we're gonna program it in the computer, you're gonna wake up tomorrow, you won't know this conversation's happened, you'll have the perfect life.
What if you don't mind, we're gonna take notes now, -wbut what else ect life? -Ywe've got munchiessly and we've got sunshine.
But what else would you like in your magical life of Your ultimate life? Yeah, I I don't like this idea.
Suddenly Suzanne's never at work.
I just think you need You need a bit of the badness to have the goodness.
- Right.
- But the difference is.
When I next get British gas round, they go, "hi, Mr.
Pilkington.
Yes, the boiler is fixed.
" Oh, God.
So he'd like to have a virtual life so his boiler's fixed.
- No n- but it gets fixed.
- Step- but you don't even still need a boiler.
Your dream you could be the perfect temperature all the time.
I don't I don't like the idea of too much change.
I don't want that much of a change in me life.
But you won't realize it.
It won't feel like change.
Yeah, but it's that old Chestnut, isn't it? It's the thing of, like, um, - what's me problem then? - Right? You've got a problem gene in your head.
You've got to fill it with a problem.
Yeah, you're not He's not a geneticist.
Got the problem hole in your head.
- No, it's not - Could the problem hole in your head shut up, Ricky.
Let him say what he means to say.
He's got a problem hole in his head.
- It's called his mouth.
- Yes.
Right, that is your problem hole.
So if someone comes up and they go, "I've fixed your boiler.
" - Sorry, can I just ask one - No, let him speak, for Let me ask one question, Steve.
Is the problem hole different from the problem gene, - or is that a new term for - No, you put things.
Through the problem hole and they end up in the problem gene.
You feed something in the problem hole - Is that right, Karl? - Yes.
It goes through the problem tube into the problem gene.
Okay, so it's down the problem conduit.
Okay, go on, right.
So it's better to have you've got a problem hole in your head, right.
So you stuff in a problem into the problem hole.
- Okay, yeah, okay.
- Now all the little problems.
Can't get in because of the big problem, right? - Right.
Is that good or bad? - But that's not true, is it? The problem hole is a standard size on everyone.
- No, but that's not - Shut up, Ricky! Let him explain.
Now Ricky, I'd say his problems are not even problems.
- Well, how big is his problem hole? - Same size as mine.
- Same size as yours? - But his problems are all little ones.
They're like you've got like a load of skittles.
I've got a big creme egg.
- Right, but what what - Shut up.
Let him speak.
He's just expanding on his idea.
Why do you keep interrupting? But what is his problem? What is your problem that's.
So big compared to my little skittles? Loads of problems.
You get stressed out about things that I'm like, "what's up with you? " You get annoyed easily with stuff People chewing loudly or someone breathing loudly or someone coughing.
Whereas I'm going, "oh, that doesn't matter.
" Like you say, to you the boiler I l like, get it ripped out, put a new one in.
It's not as easy as that.
- It is.
- That's why the problem ball is growing.
It's a ball! He's got a gene, a ball and a hole.
- So the problem ball - No wonder there's no fucking room for a brain.
Right, shut up.
Let me ask I want to clarify this.
The problem ball exists in life, but gets bigger and bigger and bigger.
It has to go through the problem hole, down the problem tube into the problem gene.
- And bounces bounce into the problem gene.
- Right.
Now then, you've got the problem ball.
Everyone's problem hole is the same size.
- Everyone.
- But some people's problems are smaller.
So they can slip straight into the problem hole.
- I've got a question, Stephen.
- Wait! Listen, has anyone got has anyone got a pair of problem balls? Or is it always just What? - Can ladies have a pair of problem balls? - No, 'cause Hitler had one A problem ball, didn't he? But could anyone.
Ever have a pair of problem balls is my question to you? But I'm assuming his problem balls are much bigger.
Than other men's or another woman's, right? Yeah, depending on the problem.
So you could have you could have a pair of problem balls.
- And one problem hole? - The way I'm seeing it Okay look, supposing I came to you and I said, "listen, um" But a man starving in a foreign country might have huge problem balls.
He might have, but if I went to a doctor and said, "I've got a problem hole.
" Then he'll say, "well, let me see it," you know, "let me see your problem hole.
" And he and and And hanging down in front of my problem hole was a huge pair of problem balls, what would he treat first is my question.
Would he look into the problem hole? He'd say, "right, take your problem jeans off.
But he would fish he would put his hand or his finger into the problem holeearly.
" To try and remove the problem ball, wouldn't he? Or problem He would.
Well, he could feel the problem balls, but he'd have to insert his finger into the problem hole, wouldn't he? - Right.
- Okay, so, Karl, go on then.
I'll just get in the tank.
What do you do towards enjoying your life? I don't normally enjoy the thing when I'm doing it.
It's after.
It's like that holiday when I was on holiday.
What do you mean you don't enjoy the thing when you're doing it, it's after? What's an example of not enjoying the thing at the moment, but you do after? - You didn't enjoy the holiday? - I've just been away.
- So you enjoyed coming off holiday? - Hang on.
I want to hear it.
You enjoyed the holiday you didn't enjoy the holiday? When I'm there, I had fleas biting me.
Yeah.
I had mosquitoes biting me.
There was a funny smell of damp in the bathroom.
I was worrying getting in the sea thinking, "is there stone fish in it?" Right? Now you've got all that going on.
When you get back, you forget about the damp smell.
You forget about fleas because the bites have gone.
They're not as much of a problem.
Then your brain starts going "hang on, what did I enjoy?" And you go, enenjoyed the dorado fish I had that I've never eaten.
" That's an experience.
At the time, I wasn't enjoying it.
Because I'm thinking, "when I get back, I'm gonna have fleas on me again.
" - Yeah.
- Now when I get a menu given to me in a restaurant - Yeah? - I go, "right, what am I gonna do here?" - Yeah.
- Right, well, when I came here, I thought I'd have some lamb chops.
They've got lamb chops, great.
I wonder how much they give you, because I quite fancy this pudding they've got.
Now I have the lamb chops.
It comes with extra veg.
I eat it, enjoy it.
The pudding I wanted.
Has gone out the window.
I've got no room for it now.
- Yeah? - But you enjoyed the lamb chops.
You enjoyed you can only so get pack so much into it.
If you're enjoying all All your life all the time, there's no point in regretting anything.
That's just greed.
No, but I was looking forward to the pudding.
You shouldn't have eaten all the veg.
Yeah, but I was enjoying it at that point.
But then you take the pleasure that you had at that point.
No, because I wanted a pudding.
But you didn't want a pudding or you would have had a pudding.
No, because I would have had it for the sake of having it.
- And then it's ruined.
- I don't know what the whinge is there.
You had a lovely meal.
You had some lovely lamb chops.
You enjoyed the hour.
Because when I read that they had like profiteroles on there - I thought I'd fancy a couple of them.
- Yeah, and then you And the chance is gone.
I'm probably not coming back to this restaurant now.
But you haven't missed a chance.
You had the chance, you didn't want to take it.
- Because you full up with lovely lamb.
- What's the problem? I had a spicy sausage - Right? - Now the problem was I was enjoying it, but I thought, "this is the spiciest sausage I've ever eaten.
" - Right.
- Now I could only enjoy that.
The next-day night when I knew that it's gone through my body, there hasn't been a problem.
So I thought, "that was a nice sausage.
I'd have one of them again.
" "That was a nice sausage.
" But then the next time, surely you'd be enjoying it, because you wouldn't have the trauma.
Of the next night because you'd lived through it and now you'd just enjoy.
The lovely spiciness and the sausageness of the spicy sausage.
Yeah, but the problem is once you've enjoyed something, it's very difficult to replace what you got.
From that spicy sausage the first time.
Then why a you looking forward to having another one? - Because let me tell you - Go on.
Auntie Nora I told you she prepares all the food, right? She's got them all in bags in the freezer Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday.
- Yeah.
- Right.
Now what she normally does, she makes a big pot of curry.
- Yeah.
- Right.
She goes, "what I'll do, I'll pop that in the Monday bag and I'll pop it in the Thursday bag.
" It's the same curry.
Now she has it on the Monday.
She loves it.
She thinks, "I got the mix just right there.
The spices are good.
The chicken was tasty.
" "I'm looking forward to Thursday.
" "I'm looking forward to Thursday.
I can't wait for Thursday.
" I'll call her up on the Thursday evening, I'll go, "how was the curry that you had on Monday that you said you're having again on Thursday that you enjoyed? " "Didn't enjoy it.
" "Why is that?" "Don't know, it just wasn't the same.
" She was expecting too much and that's the problem.
- If I had that spicy sausage again - Yeah? It's never gonna live up to it.
So forget the spicy sausage.
I've had I I've experienced it.
- So you'll never have another on? - Well, it depends.
- So do you have anything twice ever? - Maybe not.
- Jesus Christ.
- But this is insane, Karl.
Aside from you and your auntie Nora, and presumably.
All the other Pilkington clan are all as weird as one another, why you phone her up and ask her what she's having for tea, I don't know.
- Yeah, that's one thing.
- Not only what is happening on Monday, why you phone her up and what you're gonna dohaving on Thursday as well, know.
But I'll make a note of it in the auntie Nora food diary.
That's proof that you really aren't enjoying your life enough.
- Exactly.
- To go, "right, oh, fucking hell" - What else do you say to her? - Then he's phoning her up again.
Late on the Friday to find out how the Thursday curry went down.
- I know, exactly, yeah.
- That's two calls that week.
Unbelievable.
Just read her journal.
Now the question is, is it better to enjoy something once.
And not again than not at all? But you're an idiot because you're the only person who experiences this.
That's not the choice.
That's not the choice for normal people.
"You can either never enjoy summer or only enjoy it once.
" - You can enjoy things loads of times.
- No, you can't.
That's what a hobby is.
A hobby is enjoying things over and over again.
I haven't got a hobby, have I? That's why.
I've had loads of hobbies in the past.
I did the dancing.
I did the boxing.
I did, uh, what else have I done? That is it.
That's about it.
But but that's what I'm saying I soon get bored.
And that's it's like how you enjoy, you know, I love munchies.
- Yeah? - But I always enjoy the last one.
- More than - But that doesn't make sense.
That goes totally counter to your argument.
No, because it's from one packet.
- What? - It's from one packet.
Whatififference does that make? The first one's surely your favorite.
Hold on.
So if you'd have one munchie "Okay, go on.
Here's a munchie, mate.
" You'd go, "I'm not gonna take one.
Unless I can have all of them and particularly the last one.
" Well, no, I'd like to have them all, please.
No no, you can't have them all.
Don't be so greedy.
Have one munchie.
Have the first munchie, there you go.
If I have one then I'm gonna get a taste for them.
And then I'll probably want another.
No, they're my munchies though, aren't they? Oh, I don't want them then.
Forget it.
So you'd rather have no munchies than one munchie? I'll go and buy a packet.
I'd prefer I'd prefer to go, "do you know what? I fancy a packet of them.
" But why do you enjoy the last munchie more than the first? Whereas you enjoy the first curry but not the second curry? Because you know that's the last one.
No, because I'm eating them all in one sitting.
I'm not going that's for Monday, that's for Tuesday, that's for Wednesday.
I'm talking about a packet of munchies.
- Right.
- I eat them.
There's probably about 12 in a packet.
- Okay.
- I shove the first four in.
Without even thinking what I'm eating basically.
- He shoves the first four in! - "Without even thinking about what I'm eating.
" Now then when you're getting towards the end, you make them last more.
You might bite the top of them.
You look what's inside them.
- You go, "I'm liking this.
" - But hold on! - Every time? - What, every time you buy a packet of munchies? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
So hold on though.
You must enjoy.
A packet of munchies regularly then.
Not as often as you'd think.
I don't know.
It's not as I think I don't know.
So tell me how often you enjoy a packet of munchies.
Normally after I've sort of Maybe once a month.
So every month you look forward toa a lovely ps.
And the same experience.
I like the first one.
I liked the last one.
The only thing you know you enjoy, you look forward to enjoy it and it fulfills.
All those expectations is a fucking packet of munchies once a month.
Fuck me.
What do you think happiness is? Um, again, it You only know the happiness.
Because of the badness.
- You got to have a yin and a Yang.
- I know what you mean now.
I agree with you on this because it's sort of no good.
To be handed it on a plate.
I mean, just from my own experience, working for something does feel better.
Because you've got you've got a pride and a satisfaction.
I genuinely think it's better to start a business, struggle, go bust, come back, than win the lottery.
- Yeah.
- I genuinely believe that.
But you need the mixture, don't you? So you find out what your favorite thing is.
- It's like a bag of revels.
- Yeah, but you can't You can't cherish guilt or shame.
Did you just say life is like a bag of revels? Isn't that dangerously close to life is like a box of chocolates? Fucking Forrest Gump over there, yeah.
Jesus hell.
No, but it is, isn't it? And there's one or two in there.
- That I don't like.
- Like what? - The raisin.
The raisin with chocolate.
- No no no.
Yeah, no no no.
Metaphorically, what what's the Actually named wharerevel he doesn't like.
I'm telling you because it works in life.
- Go on then.
- But the revel is there.
- You don't like raisins? - Maybe if you have enough raisin ones.
You eventually go, "do you know what? They're not that bad.
" - What? - And that's the thing in life.
What would you have written to "Jim'll fix it" to fix for you? What would have given you pleasure as a kid? Dear Jim, can you fix it for me to do what? Uh When I watched "Jim'll fix it" as a kid, they never really lived up to what the kid wanted, did they? But what would you have reqststed? But I don't think I would, because I think I saw.
- How disappointed most of the kids were.
- Oh God! It's exhausting.
A kid liked whistling, they brought out Roger whittaker.
Yes, because they look at it, they go, "can you fix it for me to go into space?" "No.
" "Can I dance with bananarama?" "No problem.
" That's the ones they pick.
Yeah, so that's why I wouldn't write in.
Because whatever you ask for, you're always gonna get a watered-down version.
But if Jim could fix it for you to do anything, what would you have chosen? There's not many things I wanted as a kid.
- Jesus Christ.
- One thing.
Just one thing.
- To choose one thing, please.
- That me name was Bret.
Oh fucking hell.
I mean it's extraordinary.
There was no predicting that.
Okay, you know what? I can make that dream come true for you right now, Bret.
Yeah, we can just call you Bret from now on.
- Not a problem, Bret.
- Bret Pilkington.
- It sounds good.
- I love the fact that it's the Karl bit.
He wants to replace, not the fucking Pilkington.
- No, but now that doesn't work either because - Why not, Bret? Because I told me I told me mom and dad that that's what I wanted.
They started calling me that.
Well, then - They they went along with it.
- Yeah.
So you said, "mom, dad, call me Bret from now on.
" And they went, "all right.
" Yeah, but then i kept forgetting that I was Bret, so I wasn't answering, so they went back to Karl.
It's amazing! So you've had that dream come true.
Yeah, and it wasn't that good.
And that's what I'm saying to you Things never live up to what you want.
Dreams, what are they? - When I was on holiday recently - Yeah? I got talking to an old fellow, 'cause where I went, it's mainly for old people.
I got chatting with him.
Uh, you could tell he had a lot of money.
He's sort of tanned.
He had, um, that sort of Rouge-colored sort of jeans.
- Oh, yeah.
- Telltale sign.
It's kind of like he's got money.
- Yeah.
- And, um "The red jeans are twice as much, sir.
" "That's okay.
I've got money.
" Yeah, it's sort of it's either that color or yellow.
But you can carry it off when you're an old man, and especially with a tan.
You think, "yeah, he's got a few quid.
" "I'm a I'm a millionaire.
Do you have any yellow jeans?" "Uh, we've got one pair, sir, but they're not " - "They're not our most expensive option.
" - "They're in the back room.
" "Could I just see your Your bank account first?" "There it is.
" "Oh, yeah, you can afford yellow jeans, all right sir.
- Come this way.
" - So I got talking to him.
And it turns out he had a cruise ship.
- Right.
- Los s of money.
Now I was chatting to him for about 10 minutes.
- Yeah.
- What color was his jacket? He didn't have a jacket on, just a white shirt.
He's wearing red jeans and a white shirt.
Yes, sort of leather Leather slip-on shoes that I can remember.
And how old was he? It's hard to tell because he was well-tanned.
Was he an attractive man? He's a good-looking fellow.
So he was rich.
You say you saw this rich, good-looking bloke - with just a shirt on.
- No, he had a shirt and his pink pants.
His pink pants and you just went over and you started a conversation with him? Why'd you notice his, um What color the crotch area was? - What? - Why did you notice what color the I could see why you could see If you're looking in his face, you can see a white shirt, - but why could you see what color - I'll tell you why.
- That fabric around his testicles was? - This is what I'm saying.
You saw a good looking old man sat at the bar.
You ntnt up and bought him a drink, right? No, I was waiting for the barbecue to open.
- Right.
- Okay.
- So you noticed a man's trousers? - I got there early.
- So it's 9:00 in the morning.
- No.
- No? - I was annoyed.
I don't like late nights on holiday.
It was jet lag.
Suzanne said, "let's go down there early tonight.
" - Right.
- I get there.
I find out the barbecue's not for another 40-odd minutes.
- What time was it? - The holiday rep Well, I don't know.
It starts at You're noticing old men's genital coverings, but you don't know what fucking time it is? - Yeah, but what I'm saying - Get your story straight.
What I'm saying to you is the reason i noticed his pants is because what he was talking about There was no reference points.
I didn't have a clue what he was going on about.
Right.
What was he talking about for your eyes to wander down to his penis, is what I'm trying to say? What made you look at his penis? Because I got bored.
I didn't know what I'm trying to say to you is.
His reference points, I had no idea what he was going on about.
- When you're talking to a stranger - Mm-hmm.
-Aren't you meant to keep itAbove the waist? - Keep it, uh - Looking at his bollocks.
- Keep it - Erect.
Oh, I made Karl laugh.