The Sopranos s02e13 Episode Script

Have some eggplant.
I told you, i'm not hungry.
Now you won't even accept food from your own mother.
Will you please stick to the topic? Oh, sure, sure.
You believe that uncle of yours.
I never conspired with him.
I wish somebody would tell me what you're talking about.
Ask your brother.
I'm here to get your living situation settled, now with janice gone.
Barbara asked me to come here.
Beyond that, i got nothing to say to you.
Ma, you can't come live with us.
I'm sorry, but tom won't allow it.
Janice was right.
I won't go back to that place.
You got that right.
They won't have you back at green grove.
Tony! She was abusive to the staff! Maybe tom and i should just-- no, no, no, no.
Don't listen to the manipulation.
You got your own life! If you had a mother that had one shred of gratitude in her, one shred, but you don't.
She's taking a page from your wife's book.
Oh, that is fucking outrageous! Carmela asked you how many fucking times to come live with us? Well, he's gone.
Nice work, ma.
Carmela's been so sweet to you.
I'm tired of this shit.
Every fucking time.
What? What are you doing? You're not gonna live with her.
There's two tickets, first class.
Go to tuscan, stay with aunt gemma.
Take aunt quinn with you, the other fucking miserab'.
I've done my part, that's all you get from me.
My sister quintina won't fly.
So, throw her out on the fucking tarmac! To business.
How are you? Alright.
Oh, maddon'.
Missed a great meal too.
Fantastic.
Indian food.
That envelope's just the first week.
I love it.
Patsy been in? He's looking for you.
Where'd the fuck they get the fried zucchini flowers? It's fantastic.
It's stuffed with melted dry riccoti.
Yeah? Help yourself, you fat fuck.
They good? Mmm.
You too? Anybody else? How about you? Tell arthur of the ritz to send a couple of plates of zucchini flowers out.
And some zuppa di mussels.
You got it.
So, telecommunications once again fails to disappoint.
What's this thing? Telephone calling cards.
You find a front man who can get a line of credit, you buy a couple of million units of calling time from a carrier.
You become "acme telephone card company".
"Acme".
You're now in the business of selling prepaid calling cards.
Immigrants especially, no offense.
They're always calling back home to whoever the fuck.
And it's expensive, right? You sell thousands of these cards to the greedy pricks, cards at a cut rate.
But you bought the bulk time on credit, remember? The carrier gets stiffed.
He cuts off the service to the card holders, but you already sold all your cards.
That's fucking beautiful! It's a good one.
Oh.
Prince rogain.
Here you go, some zuppa di mussels, and tony, you got the last dozen flowers.
Do me a favor, put these on the menu for meadow's graduation party.
Hey, those were some colleges she got into, your kid.
Yeah, you must be very proud.
Hey, holy cross.
I mean, heather didn't exactly walk away with un gatz.
Excuse me.
I give carmela all the credit.
Hey, you had something to do with it too.
Cheers.
Salute.
Salute.
Things are good, what the fuck? Richie aprile's in the bermuda triangle.
All my enemies are smoked.
Oh, oh, oh! Hey, patsy.
What the fuck? Don't bring that in here.
Wait outside in the car, i'll come out.
What did i say? In the car.
You still up? The gifts for grad night.
What's that? Oh, it's a vestimenta suit.
Got a price.
You know it looks fatter than a suit, right? I hate that when the air gets trapped inside the suit bag, you know, when you zip it up.
Yeah.
Don't you hate that? What? What do you want? Air in the bag.
The only thing to do is unzip it a little, let the air out.
Holy shit.
My suit's growing a fucking beard.
Oh, tony, will you let me work here, please? Growing a beard or a mirkin or something.
Ah! It's fucking alive! It's alive! Oh, my god! Oh, my god.
Tony, what did you do? It's for you.
Oh, my god.
Yeah.
We're having a good week.
Ah, ah, ah, ah.
You look beautiful, carm.
Come here.
You believe this shit? Fucking june.
My daughter's graduating in a week.
Spring snow.
Happened when my parents got married.
Won't last.
So, they here yet? Not yet.
Ton'.
I'm sorry.
When they make the diagnosis? About a month ago.
The wife and kids know? No.
And there's nothing they can do for you? The various protocols to date are ineffective.
What can i say? You have my sympathy.
September 5th.
That's how long they've given him to live.
But instead of waiting until then, he's gonna light himself on fire.
Yeah.
Is that balls of concrete or what? Very considerate.
How many guys are gonn a do that for you, heh? Spare you all those fuckin' visits to the hospital.
By the way, patsy, coat went over big.
She loved it.
I'm philly.
Sorry, right, philly.
Yeah.
Thought you were your brother.
You know, i just bought a sable off him.
I'm sorry i had to do that.
Fuck this.
They're never coming.
Where's pussy? Hey, ton'.
What if these doctors are wrong? Carm.
What? Might as well just fucking kill myself.
I've never been so fucking depressed.
Tony.
Sorry.
It's alright, go back to bed.
No, no, what? What now? It's all a big nothing.
What is? Life.
Tony, that is your mother talking.
Everything's black.
You have a tendency towards depression, yes.
But listen to me, alright? Everything's gonna be alright.
I'm here, i'm with you.
The kids are safe in their beds.
They love you.
What? It's coming from here.
It's not my fucking head.
It's my stomach.
I'm nauseous.
Jesus.
Fuck! Oh, fuck, it's the chicken vindaloo.
Fucking motherfucking wogs! Mom, what's going on? Your father is sick.
Oh, my god, daddy, what happened? He went to an indian restaurant.
That is so racist.
Who's letting those big ones? There better be coke left in that fridge is all i can say.
How did it go? Was sundip there? Yeah.
My whole cut.
Here.
What's the matter? "What's the matter?" I know, i know, tony's your best friend.
President franklin is my best friend.
And he's in there.
Look some cooperators, when they finally get their new identity, do pretty fucking good.
One snitch i worked with became recycling and garbage commissioner of a good sized city in florida.
You alright? Yeah, it's all out of there.
Here.
Here, small sips.
Wondered about that chicken.
Probably a fucking cocker spaniel.
Oh, stop it, tony, here, lie back.
You feel a little hot.
Fucking goddess with the six arms.
No wonder.
Here.
Sip.
I said sip, tony.
What? I said, you still like your coat? I love my coat.
Where you going? I don't know.
What are you looking for? Somebody's looking for me.
Who? I don't know.
Our true enemy has yet to reveal himself.
Three hearts.
And a seven.
Make it a dime.
Tony, are you up yet? How are you feeling? I had fucked up dreams last night.
Fever dreams.
I shot this guy.
He's a friend of mine.
Now, in real life, this guy does do some things that annoy me.
Like every christmas, he sends out these typed reports of what his nieces and nephews have been doing.
Who got into west point, who got a hole in one.
And he hums tv commercials.
Drives me fucking crazy.
But he's one of my best guys, a terrific earner.
So, what the fuck would i do that for? I was filled with-- anger.
Yeah, right, anger , you know everything.
You have never dealt with your anger.
And look at the cost.
You are the biggest threat to yourself.
That's what being a human being is.
But some people are more self- destructive than others.
You're gonna make me eat something now? Maybe.
If you keep this up.
No.
I'm dying.
I'm gonna cover you with this blanket, okay? I don't want you to see me like this.
Please.
I'm fucking freezing.
Your teeth are chattering.
You want to go back into the bed? Might as well just leave me here.
Motherfucking fucking! I think you have food poisoning.
Fucking dreams, jesus christ.
It's alright.
It's alright.
Where is he? Who? Pussy.
Hey.
What are you doing here? Finalize the menu.
Oh, shit, i completely forgot.
Tony had food poisonin g all night, the poor guy.
Ooh, oh, hey, it's not from my place.
Was he at vesuvio last night? Yeah.
But i got an "a" rating.
It's sure, of course, nobody's saying.
Is that artie? Hey, ton'.
Send him up! Tony, go to sleep.
You don't even make any sense when you talk.
Send him up! Oh, jeez, you picked up a bad one somewhere, huh? Somewhere? You know, maybe.
Just out of consideration for others, you'd dump those fucking mussels you gave me before you cause a fucking outbreak.
Whoa, nellie.
I hand pick every piece of shellfish myself.
Oh, yeah? You smelling them as you're picking them or you're staring off into space? Worrying about paying your fucking rent or whatever it is you fucking worry about.
That's a serious allegation.
Nobody's gonna fucking sue you.
You see, this is what i'm talking about.
Tony, you ate mussels? Prince edward island.
Top of the line.
After an entir e indian dinner? You ate at an indian restaurant? There you go.
It was the mussels.
They came up undigested.
They came up undigested, how could they be the cause? It's why my body shut down, self protection.
You know what they cook with at indian restaurants? Ghee.
It's clarified butter.
I mean, you get a rancid hit of that and you can imagine.
You know, it's interesting too 'cause when indira ghandi got assassinated, i was watching the satellite feed when they broadcast the cremation.
Did you know that they douse the body and the funeral pyre in clarified butter just to get it burning? Did you call pussy? He had the mussels too.
Jesus, artie,"call pussy", some concern maybe? I am, i feel very bad for him.
Sal.
It's arthur bucco.
What the fuck? Hello.
Hey, man, it's artie.
Yeah, i know, what's up? Listen, i'm at the soprano's house.
And tony's a little green around the gills.
Flu, i'm guessing.
But maybe he ate something didn't agree with him.
Food poisoning? No, what, salmonella? No! But he had a reaction.
You guys ate at an indian restaurant.
It would help if we knew, did you have any symptoms? No.
Well, once during the night, i did have a slight touch of diarrhea.
That's all, it passed.
Nothing.
Touch of diarrhea.
You motherfucker.
A touch.
Nothing right, puss? Not what like tony's going through, right? Like from bad shell- fish or anything.
What the fuck? Am i gonna get sick now? No! Listen, did you guys eat the same thing at the indian restaurant? Well, we both had the papadums, but different courses.
Both had the papadums, different entrees.
Stop talking about food.
Okay, puss.
Yeah, i'm sorry to bother you.
Okay, thanks a lot, okay.
I'm sorry, tony, but i feel vindicated.
I can't get of f the boardwalk.
I'm gonna call dr.
Cusamano.
This is worrying me now.
Poor sonofabitch.
Oh, you gotta go again? Just let me die.
No.
C'mon.
Ally oop.
Up, up, up, up.
So, where we headed? This way.
Ladies and gentlemen, in a few moments we'll begin general boarding on flight 129 with non- stop service to tucson.
At this time, we'd like to begin boarding our first class passengers only.
Those traveling with young children and those requirin g special assistance.
You can't understand a word they say.
Go on.
Livia soprano? Oh, pussy.
Oh.
C'mon in.
So who's your friend? Pussy? I'm confused.
Isn't pussy your friend? Yeah.
But that's the friend that was almost carried off by the ducks, right? You know what the worst part of this is? This is one of those situations where i know i'm dreaming.
Well, let's look at it.
When you say pussy you mean my friend, pussy, or you know pussy.
Whatever seems to be dominating your thoughts.
I got pussy on the brain.
I always do.
I wanna fuck you, i always did do.
I told you that the first time we met.
I find you immensely attractive, anthony.
I thought i repulsed you.
You go out of your way to repulse me.
But you like that.
You just admitted you find me attractive.
You're the one that's fucked up.
Anthony, anthony.
What are we gonna do with you? What's he smiling at? No, he's gritting his teeth, he's freezing.
Tony.
Hey, guy.
Not feeling too good, huh? I'm dying.
No, no, you got a small case of e.
Coli, campylobacteria, maybe, but you're gonna be fine.
Let me die.
Should he maybe go to the hospital? Nothing we'd do.
Pump his stomach? Not with this.
He should suck ice chips.
It's good for the fever, keeps him hydrated.
Anyhoo fucking ragheads.
I don't think so, tony.
Those spices kill microbial agents.
Very smart.
That fucking artie bucco.
Meadow's graduation is tomorrow.
Ah.
Hey, ton'.
How's it going? You didn't get sick? Nah.
How much you weigh? Eight pounds.
Lost a lot of weight.
Swimming.
The best exercise.
Works every muscle group.
Get the fuck out of here.
You never exercise d once in your life.
Anyway, four dollars a pound.
You know i've been working with the government right, ton'? Don't say it.
C'mon, ton'.
Sooner or later you gotta face facts.
I don't want to hear it.
Well, you're gonna hear it.
Fuck.
You passed me over for promotion, ton', you knew.
How much shit you give them? A lot.
Jesus, puss.
Fuck of a way for it all to end, huh? Yeah.
Yeah.
These guys, on either side of me, they're asleep.
Don't say that.
It's not fucking funny.
I don't want to see you floppin' around down there! No way, tony.
Get your ass back in bed.
Cramps are gone, i got to go out.
Help me with this.
Tony, you are out of your mind.
I brought you some consomme.
I wasn't even sure you could handle that.
God help you, tony, if your head is in that bowl for graduation because i sure as hell won't.
Tony.
Hi, ang, how you doing? Good, good, how are you? Oh, madonn', my poor ass.
Is the man at home? Yeah, come in, he's still sleeping.
I'll go get him.
Give me a minute, ang! Hey, tony, how you feeling? Better.
Good, you look better.
I mean-- than i thought you would.
Artie called.
Hopalong che- se- dic', how you doing? Can't complain.
You want some coffee? You in the neighborhood? No, no, i got a call about a boat, a sea ray 50.
I want you guy's opinion on it.
What, now? The owner's got two offers.
I gotta decide this morning.
Cuban guy.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Just throw some clothes on.
C'mon.
Okay.
Oh, jesus.
Round 12.
You know, i could use that cup of coffee.
Yeah, right.
We don't need to see this.
I promised gab i'd pick up from home depot before i did anything this morning.
See? And you're sitting there, shame on you.
How long is he taking up there? I'm looking forward to the graduation party.
So, who's ready to go buy a boat? Might as well tell you now.
I bought the most beautiful boat today.
Cool.
The 50 footer? The very same.
I might as well tell you.
I decided on columbia.
Oh! You want? It's a little early in the day, no? Sea legs.
Yeah, what the fuck.
You sure you want to go out today, t.
? Just getting over the trots.
Time and tide wait for no man, right? It's got a decent displacement for its size.
Mill puts out about Beautiful boat, tony.
I've been waiting The cuban had to go see the harbor master, but we're free to give it a spin.
C'mon, puss.
Rides nice.
Let's go down below, check out the mahagony.
C'mon.
Take a seat, puss.
Should we test- drop the anchor, see how she holds? Later.
Yeah, right.
Why you making me do this, you fat, fucking, miserable piece of shit? What, tony, what? When did they flip you? Tell me, don't lie.
Flip? Who? What? They had me, tony.
I was going away for pushing h.
How long? i had no choice.
How long? How much do they know? A year and a half, no less.
A year and a fucking half you been running your own fucking gossip column? Motherfucker! Let me explain.
I fed them bullshit.
Nothing.
Whatcallmallit, disinformation so i could live, keep earning on any subsistence level whatsoever.
I will do nothing, tony, nothing to put you in harm's way, all of yous! That's how they got tipped off about the bevilaqua hit, huh? 'Cause you did nothing.
On my mother's eyes, that wasn't me! Little things, pickyoon shit.
Be specific.
They know about the calling cards.
I'm not in that.
What else? That's it.
That's is, recently.
What not recently? I'm thinking.
Fucking noise! Where you going? The other shit, none of it amounted to anything.
I've been careful, i've got this down.
I'm mind- fucking these donkeys like you wouldn't believe.
Webistics? Oh, jesus christ.
But mostly i talked up the scatino bust- out, nothing federal there to link you, tony.
They need serial numbers.
I'm telling you, this disinformation shit is an effective technique, it's a freaking ace! What's the matter with you? It's this fucking swell.
I got food poisoning.
You don't see me getting all fucked up.
Don't yell at me! I'll fucking yell at you, you don't like it? We got any good tequila? You know that acupuncturist down in puerto rico? tell you, this broad, her ass was the second coming.
Never wore panties.
Brushed her teeth with this shit.
Every night she'd drink me under the fucking table.
And i'd eat her out when i was down there.
Hey, puss.
Did she even really exist? Fucked up.
Not in the face, okay? You give me that? Huh? Keep my eyes? You were like a brother to me.
To all of us.
Yeah.
I'm starting t o feel it now too.
My inner ear balance is off.
What? Jesus christ.
I gotta sit down.
I feel like i can't stand.
Is that okay, tony? That i sit? Get the weights.
You're not gonna forget to go to comp world, get the gift? If we gave her the one i could've got it would've had a smaller screen but it would've cost us nothing.
Don't snap at me, okay? Don't press your luck with this diarrhea.
I can't shake it.
Whose fault is that? Hello.
Put anthony on.
Don't call here.
I am at newark airport.
We've been held here since 9:00 this morning.
Your mother is still at the airport.
Tough shit.
Go get anthony, i need a lawyer.
I'm in airport security.
She's at airport security.
I can't do it, i can't call.
I don't know what to do.
They say that anthony gave me a stolen ticket.
They're gonna call the fbi.
Here, you better-- i don't know.
The fun never stops.
What? Anthony, the tickets are stolen.
What the fuck? What did you say? Did you? Ma, i'll send someone down there to pick you up.
But i don't know what you're talking about.
Okay? Jesus christ.
How fucking hard is it to get on an airplane? What do you want? Agent harris.
Anthony soprano.
We have a warrant to search your house, property, and your family vehicle.
What are you looking for today, boss? Stolen airline tickets, constituting mail fraud, wire fraud, and any other federal violation.
Let's see your warrant.
You can also see the tickets.
We found them in your suburban.
You have the right to remain silent.
I bought them, talk to my lawyer.
You have the right to an attorney.
What, are you a fuckin' parrot? What'd i just say? We're entitled to search the rest of the domicile.
Let's go.
Upstairs.
Michael, over here.
Our daughter is graduating high school.
You can't wait a few days to persecute him? To persecute us? Jerry, get the door.
I'm gonna keep trying, mink, i don't trust that secretary.
Oh, my god.
Med, it's alright, i'll be home in a couple hours, don't worry.
I'm graduating tomorrow! Let's get outta here.
What, do you guys need another picture of me for your wallets? Other hand.
Tony soprano, weak in the knees, can't stand the heat? I got food poisoning.
You think this bothers me, you fuck head? This way.
I gotta tell you, frank, i'd forget about any deli tray coming your way in the future.
Meadow, are you sleeping? Yes.
I want to talk to you.
God, am i so not going to miss this.
You have to understand that your father means well.
He's given his life for you, for your brother, for us.
All i'm saying, how you reacted downstairs, now you're sitting up here by yourself.
I know it was embarrassing for you, but anyway, if you ever wanted to talk-- this is who dad is.
My friends don't judge me.
And fuck them if they do, i'll cut them off.
I knew i was giving her a bad ticket.
That voice , that voice.
It's done, tony, over.
My advice now is to put it behind you.
If this is all there is, these 23 tickets, they don't have "bubkes" and they know it.
I know it's a small thing, but that's the fucking point.
One more minute, if i could've just stood there saying,"yes, ma, okay, ma, i hear you, ma", one more minute, i wouldn't be in this spot.
I beat a homicide and now i fucked up, neil.
I blew an easy one.
I blew everything.
Tony.
No, we got fuckin' federal charges, we got the faa.
Before this is over they're gonna pin that egypt air thing on me and you fucking know it! I got predicates up the ass, fucking rico case.
Don't think about that now.
You'll make bail.
There's no capital crimes.
Get on with life.
My mother, my fucking goddamn idiot of a mother.
You'd think she was never married to johnny soprano.
Is there something else bothering you, anthony? That's not enough? Fucking demented, old bat.
You're so angry with your mother and the airline tickets.
I'm not saying that it's not serious, but a year ago your mother colluded to have you killed, yet you never say "boo" about that, even when i try to elicit.
If she tried to have you killed a year ago, believe me, in your childhood, she's inflicted serious psychic injuries that are still there.
Poor me.
And your father, the gangster, tough guy.
Did he protect you kids from borderline mother? What the hell was going on there? What is this? Little snacks for thought for me to take home? I haven't pushed you enough to confront these things.
Somewhere along the line, i became frightened of you.
Frightened.
Maybe i should've seen that clearer in the beginning.
Maybe, baby.
Rage, anthony, is a big, loud, flaming, self distraction from feelings that are even more frightening.
What feelings might those be? Sadness.
You go off on a racist rant about indian food, your demented, old bat of a mother.
What else has happened? Nothing.
After two years treating you, i've learned things.
And i pick up sorrow coming from you.
I had a dream i fucked your brains out, right on that desk.
You loved it.
You threw that at me like a rock.
Sadness, anthony, stay with that.
Mommy tried to kill you and you gave her airline tickets.
Fuck you.
And now you're really in trouble.
I'm gonna beat this shit, you kidding me? With that anthony scott richard sipronowski.
Meadow mariangela soprano.
Jonathan tiffen.
Anthony tomasello.
It's fucking graduation day.
So i might as well take this opportunity.
I'm proposing you to get your button.
I fucking deserve it.
Got no spleen, gene.
Congratulations.
Thank you, thank you.
Yeah.
Oh.
What the fuck? That's right, get an education.
Excuse us.
Carmella sees you, she's gonna cut you a new asshole.
I'm leaving.
It's great to see your kid graduate, huh? The youth, that's what's important.
What we do is small potatoes.
And eric, state college, right? He got accepte d to georgetown.
There's a little money pinch.
I heard you and charlene split up.
Christine.
I'm getting the fuck out of here, i got a job on a ranch out west.
What? Don't make me fucking laugh.
I lived in new mexico until i was 11, remember? You ever try riding? Uh, no.
The airlines are running specials non- stop to nevada, fly right into vegas, half hours drive.
You should come hang out.
New day.
Vegas, huh? Alright, david, take care of yourself.
Drive safe.
I'm so proud of you.
Sal knew it was today, i told him over and over.
He's so self centered.
Here you go, sweetheart, gimme that face.