The War at Home s02e13 Episode Script

HILLARY: Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Hmm, wonder what that's about.
I don't.
I just got a letter from Preston University.
You mean your backup school to your backup school if your real backup school rejects you? So come on, are we in or not? What's the deal? No, they haven't decided yet.
The admissions committee's coming to New York, and they want to interview me.
All right.
All right.
You got an interview with the admissions committee! That's great, sweetie! That's great.
That means they didn't say no.
Yet.
I have to prepare for my interview.
All right.
You gonna go think up some good thing to say to them? No, Dad, I'm gonna focus on what's important: picking out an outfit.
I got to say, I'm not crazy about her going to Preston.
Why? It's a good school.
So good, I'm surprised she's still in the running.
Maybe they haven't met their quota for pretty white girls.
You know? You know, they need them for the brochure cover.
Yeah, yeah, it's a good school.
But it's also in California.
Doesn't it bother you that she'd be so far away? Oh, come on, Vicky, come on, all right? How long have we been talking about getting these kids out of this house and on their own? Since they were born.
That's right.
I know, but now that it's here, it's just, I'm not Guess I'm just not loving the idea of how quiet it's gonna be around here.
Quiet? Wha I ain't going anywhere.
All right? Look, about this college interview thing, look, I really think I should help you get prepared.
Don't worry about it.
I'll just go in there and be myself.
(chuckles) Oh, Hillary.
Hillary, Hillary, Hillary.
Look, maybe if I could afford to build the school a new library, you could be yourself.
But, unfortunately, you're gonna be competing against people who are much, much much better than you.
Well, I wouldn't say that.
Well, I would.
So let's just do a dry run, okay? Let's have you go out, and then come back in like you're coming in for the interview.
Okay.
Hi, I'm Hillary.
Ah, stop, stop.
Stop, stop, stop.
What? Nah, you already blew it.
But I haven't even said anything.
Yeah, you have.
Body language, my friend.
The stooped shoulders, the darting eyes, they all say "I barely got through high school, and I may or may not have cheated on the SATs.
" My body doesn't say that.
You're just saying that because you know me.
Whatever.
All right, let's begin.
So (clears throat) Miss Gold, how will you help make Preston University a better environment for the other students? Well, I'm easy.
(both laughing) You're starting out with a joke, huh? Bad idea.
All right? This ain't clown college, lady.
So, Miss Gold, why should you of all people be allowed into our hallowed halls? Well, I look forward to taking advantage of the many scholastic opportunities that Preston presents, as well as participating in the numerous extracurricular activities that you offer.
Hmm.
(chuckles) I ain't thrilled with that answer.
Nor should you be.
Dad false confidence is one of the few things I have going for myself, and you're stressing me out! Good.
Good.
Then you're finally starting to realize how important this is.
Now, let's do it again.
Go out and come back in again.
Let's go.
(clears throat) Hey! Ooh! Ooh! You're making popcorn balls? Yeah, I made them healthier this time by using half the sugar.
But then they turned out bland, so I'm dipping them in chocolate.
Wow! I can't remember the last time you made these.
I do.
It was four years ago-- the last time we had family movie night, which, I'm excited to say, I am reinstating starting tonight.
(groans) Why? See, why you doing this to me? I already hate Monday through Friday.
You got to ruin Sunday now? Come on, we got to continue to create loving family memories.
I mean, Hillary's going off to college.
How many days are left before all the kids are out of the house? I don't know, I don't keep track of that stuff.
Well, come on, honey, this is gonna be fun.
And if it isn't, I made a couple of special popcorn balls that are soaked in rum.
MIKE: Okay, we got the movie.
We would've been back a lot sooner, but Hillary had to flirt with the guy behind the counter, and another guy in the parking lot, and then another guy in Shut up! Can we just get this over with? Oh, come on, honey, this is gonna be great.
DAVE: Yeah, come on, this is obviously very important to your mother, okay? So let's all be supportive.
Oh, crap.
Oh Damn it, sweetie, this DVD player's busted again.
Oh, well, you know what? We tried.
All right? And that's what the kids are gonna remember: our efforts.
Good try, sweetie.
Hey, it was just unplugged.
Look, Kenny fixed it.
Yay! Family movie night is saved! DAVE: Yay.
If you guys hadn't taken me in off the streets, you wouldn't have been able to have movie night.
Yeah, yeah, you're the best, Kenny.
So, uh, what are we watching, gang? Oh, it's a great movie, Dad, you're gonna love it.
What, Rocky? Rocky II? Rocky III? Dad, you know, there are other great movies.
Rambo? Rambo II? Rambo III? No, Dad, we're watching the critically acclaimed film An Inconvenient Truth.
An Inconvenient Truth? Who the hell's in that? Al Gore.
Al Gore? What the hell kind of action hero is Al Gore? Who'd he ever kill with an assault rifle? At least that Cheney guy blew somebody's face off with a shotgun.
It's not a boring action movie; it's a documentary.
I don't want to learn anything! I heard it was a pretty good movie.
Yeah, Dad, it's all about the environment.
Great, great, great.
First, I have to, you know, drag three garbage cans into the street each week, and now this environmental crap is seeping its way into our mindless entertainment.
You know what? This is where I draw the line.
I don't want to do this.
LARRY: Actually, you make me take out the garbage.
That's not the point.
Can we just forget about this whole thing? I don't want to be here.
Fine with me.
Seriously, I could just watch this alone in my own room.
Hey! We are gonna watch this movie together and enjoy it and remember it as a lovely family time.
Now, start the movie, and everyone sit down and shut the (bleep) up.
Move, move over.
Get off.
Move over.
See, isn't this nice? Wow, that was kind of a downer.
Yeah, no wonder Gore lost the election.
He is not a compelling screen presence.
What's wrong with you people? Did you just watch the same movie as me? Uh, no.
Because I fell asleep.
I thought it was kind of interesting.
Interesting? Try eye-opening, devastating.
Try profound.
VICKY: Hmm.
That's right, profound.
I had no idea what kind of mess we've made of this planet.
So what do you guys want to watch next week? DAVE: Next week? Sweetie, there is no next week.
The Earth is all going away.
I mean, we are facing an environmental apocalypse.
It's gonna be like that movie Mad Max.
Okay? And I'm not just gonna sit here and let my children's children have to battle to the death in a Thunderdome, where the only person who decides whether they live or die is some whacked-out, angry midget.
(vacuum humming) Hey.
Hey, hey, hey.
What do you think you're doing? Uh, it's called vacuuming.
I can see where you'd be confused since you never done it.
Do you have any idea how much electricity those things waste? All right, you know, you should get one of those push jobs like my grandmother used to have.
She also had a three-carat rock on her finger.
You give me one of those, I'll suck the dirt out of the carpet with my mouth.
Don't you get it, Vicky? Huh? This global warming thing is real, okay? And if we don't do something, it's all gonna go away.
All right? And if a baboon like me can realize how important it is, then why can't you? Wait, you're serious? Yes.
You? The guy who wrote the deodorant company saying, "Ooh, please, bring back the aerosol.
The roll-on is making me feel like a girl.
" Yes.
You may be surprised to hear this, but sometimes I am wrong.
Hmm.
Although, I do miss the aerosol's manly tingle.
Hey, Mom? Yeah.
Can you take this sweater to the dry cleaners? I want to wear it to my interview.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Are you nuts? Dry cleaning is totally toxic.
Yeah, so is B.
O.
Yeah, but dry cleaners use chemicals with such long names that when you say them, it sounds like you're talking Chinese.
Which may explain why so many dry cleaners are owned by the Chinese people.
You know, it's so nice to know that even though now you're environmentally conscious, you still have time to be a racist.
Kenny, um, if you could take a break from that gay chat room for just a minute, I'd really like to check my e-mail.
I can check it for you right now.
I didn't send you one.
Ever since you came out of the closet, you've been a lot bitchier.
All right, you guys, get off the computer.
Okay? You guys are gonna melt the polar ice caps.
And, you, Mike, come on already.
Enough.
Enough with the video games, all right? Dad, what are you doing?! I was just playing that! I got a better game for you.
It's called "Let's go pick through the neighbors' garbage and see if they threw out any recyclables.
What? Dad, I don't want to go through the neighbors' garbage.
Mike, no one does, okay? But it's either that, or one day, paddling down the street on the top of our kitchen table, looking for dogs to eat.
All right? I mean, you cried after watching Benji.
How you gonna feel after eating him? DAVE: Hey, sweetie, uh, do these lights really need to be on? I have a better question: do you really need to be in here? Look, don't you think you should be trying to prepare for your interview? I go in there.
I talk.
It's over.
What else is there? For your information, there happens to be a lot of pressure in these situations, and the body reacts in ways you might not have planned.
Like how? Like how? Huh, well, like suddenly, everything you planned to say flies out of your head.
And the only thing that comes out of your mouth is "Uhh Uhh uh.
" Really? Yeah, really, and then your mouth gets dry and you make that annoying (smacking lips) sound and then of course there's the trembling.
Trembling? Oh.
From head to toe, but they probably won't notice that because they'll be too busy focusing on your under-arm sweat stains.
And at that point, it's good-bye Preston, hello, Walbaum's Supermarket cashier training program.
If they'll let you in.
Heard it's very competitive.
Oh, God.
Hey.
Why are you putting so much pressure on her? Because, sweetie, I want her to get into that school.
Okay, if it were up to you, she wouldn't go anywhere.
"Oh, boo-hoo-hoo.
"All my little birdies are leaving the nest.
Boo-hoo-hoo.
" Hey! Shut up or I'm burning the nest down with you asleep in it.
Ooh.
Hey, where you guys going? Nowhere.
We're just freezing.
Captain Planet turned the thermostat down to 65 and put a lock on it.
Okay, I know it's a little chilly I can't take it anymore! I'm all for saving the planet, but Dad bought that recycled one-ply toilet paper.
And let's face it: I got a two-ply tushie.
Yeah, well, at least you're not digging through the neighbors' garbage.
Oh, and by the way, I wouldn't talk to the Hockhausers anymore if I were you.
You don't want to know what's in their trash.
Hey, I thought you were all about the environment.
Now you're just abandoning it? Now, this is just like with that hamster.
And Judaism.
Okay, come on.
I know he's going overboard, but he's just trying to be a better person.
I mean, yeah, sure, it's a pain in the ass right now, but these are fun family memories that you'll laugh about with your children one day.
Okay, you're not laughing now, but trust me, give it time.
I'm not gonna have any children if my weiner falls off! Look, this is the first time in his life he's trying to help someone other than himself and I for one am going to support that and so are all of you.
Hey, hey.
Hey.
Hey, sweetie, look.
I got you a little present, Vicky.
That is so sweet.
Yeah.
You got me a clothesline.
No, no, it's a solar-powered clothes dryer.
Very eco-friendly.
What do you think? Huh.
Huh? You know, we have to conserve a lot a lot of things around here, sweetie, but "thank you"s aren't one of them.
Hey, it's the time Dad bought you a clothesline.
This is gonna be one of those fun, family memories we all laugh about one day? Shut up or you're gonna be a family memory.
Hey, honey, I gotta say, I think you're being a little hypocritical.
Yeah, how do you figure? Well, I mean you're hocking the kids about every dot of energy they use.
You want me to use a clothesline, but you're out there chugging away in that big, gas-guzzling SUV.
Ah, you know something? I didn't think of it that way.
Oh.
(laughing) What the hell is that? Ah, you know what? You were right, sweetie.
My gas-guzzling SUV was polluting the planet.
So I went out and bought myself this Earth-friendly Smart Car.
That's a car? It looks like something that was pooped out by another car.
Ow.
Nice, huh? Mm-hmm.
Any other clowns gonna pop out of the car or just you? Ah, make all the fun you want, but this thing gets Plus, you can drive it in the carpool lane, park it anywhere and unlike me, it's emission-free.
So, who wants to take a ride? Come on, Hillary.
I'll take you for a spin.
No, I've had it, Dad.
You have gone environmentally ill.
And the new detergent you're making Mom use on our clothes is giving me a rash.
And my interview's tomorrow.
Oh, that's not the detergent.
That's the nerves.
Okay, you're freaking out over this interview.
As well you should be.
Ugh! Oh, come on, Larry.
You wanna go for a spin? Come on.
No, thanks.
I don't need anyone pointing at me, going, "It's so small.
" Oh, what about you, Mike? Come on, eco-buddy? Oh.
Pass.
Why? I thought you cared about this stuff as much as I do.
Well, congratulations, Dad.
You turned me off from wanting to save the planet.
Come on, man.
If we don't do something, I'm telling you, it's all going to go away.
All right, what about the Thunderdome? I mean, do you want your fate in the little angry hands of a midget, huh? Huh? Well, maybe the midget wouldn't be so angry if you hadn't stolen his car.
You don't know what the hell you're talking about.
This baby's cool.
This is the car of the future.
It is a smart car.
It was until you got into it.
What? Am I the only one who cares? Huh? (sighs) Hey.
Are you still sitting here in the dark? It's 'cause we made fun of your little car? I don't want to talk about that.
Hey, I have an idea.
Why don't we play the kids' birth videos backwards and pretend they never happened? That always cheers you up.
Can you please just leave me alone? Baby, come on, you been like this for two days.
What's going on? Talk to me.
I have nothing to say.
Okay, you don't have to talk to me, but you gonna have to talk to somebody.
I'm gonna make an appointment to see Dr.
Lieber.
The shrink that we sent Mike to see? Isn't he a child psychiatrist? Yes, Dave, he is.
So what's going on, Dave? Nothing.
Except for the fact that he went crazy trying to save the environment and then hid under the covers for two days.
Oh, that's not true.
Well, tell me what did happen.
(mumbling) I went a little crazy, you know, trying to save the environment, you know, hid under the covers for a couple of days.
Big deal.
Sounds like you're a little depressed.
Of course I'm depressed.
You know, I mean, but what am I gonna do? It's too late.
And there's nothing anyone could do, you know? It's all going away.
You know, honey, you keep saying that.
"It's all going away.
" Maybe, maybe that means something.
Sweetie, I'm not wasting my time coming to your office to talk to you, okay.
I'm wasting my time coming to Dr.
Lieber's office.
So can we hear what he has to say, please.
No, no go on, Vicky.
Well, I mean, he just keeps saying, you know, the planet is "all going away," and it just occurred to me that Hillary's going away, too.
You know, to college.
And I think maybe there's some connection, you know, like, maybe the planet represents Hillary? You hear this? Are you out of your mind? No, Dave, it is possible that the anxiety you're feeling about your daughter leaving manifests itself in manic behavior.
It's called "transference.
" Oh, right, "transference.
" Let me tell you something, the only "transference" that's going on here is my money into your wallet, all right.
You know, I been doing everything I can to help her get into the school.
Hi, I'm I'm Okay, wait, I know this.
Besides I mean what are you breaking my chops for? I mean, you're the one who doesn't even want her to go to California.
Yes.
Yes, I know how I feel.
The question is, how do you feel? You know, Doctor, I read somewhere that some parents will actually emotionally "cripple" their children because they don't want them to leave.
That's kind of like what you've been doing with Hillary and her college interview.
Could you please just zip it and let the doctor talk? Yeah, uh, Vicky, maybe you're carrying this armchair psychology thing a little too far.
Actually, she's dead-on, but a practice is built on repeat business.
And this nut-job can mean a lot of repeat business.
Maybe, Dave, you have some feelings about your daughter leaving.
Yeah, happy feelings.
Okay, I can't wait for the kids to get out of the house.
I been counting the days until they're gone.
Yeah, but you're frustrated about not being able to make the planet better.
Maybe it's because the kids are going out into the world? Maybe that is why you're sabotaging your daughter's interviews? Wait, I thought you said I was wrong about that.
You were, but in a way that's too complicated to explain to you.
You know, Dave, sometimes the things that we think we want the most, we we really don't want at all.
(sighs) I don't want Hillary to go.
What? I don't want her to go to California.
I don't want her to go anywhere.
I can't believe I'm saying this, but I don't want any of them to go, even Larry.
What the hell is wrong with me? Nothing's wrong with you, Dave.
You're just getting in touch with your feelings.
Uh, we have a little time left.
Are there any other issues you wanna talk about? Well, there's the fact that my mother always favored my brother, my father never told me he loved me, I get no satisfaction from my career and sometimes I feel like there's an empty hole inside me that nothing could fill.
No, I'm good.
Let's get the hell out of here.
Thanks, Doctor.
Nice to see you.
All right.
Well, I just got back from my interview, and thanks to you Okay, okay, okay.
Before you say another word, I just want you to know that I changed my mind.
Okay, I don't want you going to California.
Well, that's not I know, I know, that's not for me to decide.
But just hear me out, look, I don't think you're gonna like California, sweetie.
You know, out there, you'd be considered morbidly obese.
So I want you to go to school within driving distance.
Okay, so if you promise to put this Preston idea out of your head, I have a Smart Car with your name on it.