The Wild Wild West (1965) s02e13 Episode Script

You rode well today.
Oh, well, Charlton, what did you think of my new mare, Cloudburst? And not afraid of anything.
It took the steepest part of the wall at full gallop, and there it was, the fox, right on top of us.
Exactly.
Jim, uh, you have a reputation as a judge of horseflesh.
What's your opinion? If a horse jumps right, I doubt if it'll be much at gathering up strays.
Well, sir, uh, speaking of strays Excuse me.
Oh, Artemus, honey, I do believe I have a pebble in my boot.
Be a doll and give me a hand, will you? I'd be delighted.
I beg your pardon, but since the lady asked me, it's my honor, I believe.
Honor? That's a funny word for a man who has none.
Shall we discuss my scruples later, in private? It's my public duty to warn someone when there's a rattlesnake around.
Why, James, honey, I do believe you're jealous.
Yes, and a bore to boot.
Oh.
Good lord, man, have you gone mad? He's dead.
I was only defending myself.
He was going for a gun.
You all saw that.
He wasn't armed.
In that case, it's murder.
I- I didn't know that.
It was a mistake.
As head of the Secret Service, I'll have to place you under arrest.
I missed him.
He's gone.
Colonel Richmond.
Oh, gentlemen.
There's, uh- There's little more to say.
I've lost a staunch supporter and loyal friend.
And comin' from the director of the Secret Service, that's as fine a eulogy as a man could ask.
Colonel, actually, you've lost two friends, haven't you? If you're referring to James West, all's I can say is that he must have suffered a nervous breakdown due to overwork.
There is no other explanation.
Well, sir, would you, uh, comment on a rumor West is still at large because he's got friends in high places? Why, that's nothin' more than a personal attack on the integrity of Colonel Richmond and the effectiveness of his department.
Senator Fenlow hasn't been in Washington as long as I have, gentlemen, but I thank you for your support, Stephen.
Gentlemen, I do not know where James West is hiding out.
Neither do I know the whereabouts of all the other murderers who have vanished during the past year.
Last count, have simply stepped into limbo just as the police were about to make an arrest.
Now, where they are, and who's harboring them and why Gentlemen, you uncover those answers, and you'll make your headlines for a month.
We have gathered here to pay final tribute, and bid a last farewell to one who must be classed as a prince among men.
Who was this Artemus Gordon? Who did bestride the world of his friends like a veritable colossus? Let me tell you, for I know him w- Knew him well.
As the director of the Secret Service has said, we have lost a staunch supporter, and a loyal friend.
We shall not see his like among us soon again.
May he rest I knew West wouldn't show up.
He hates funerals.
Amen.
That was beautiful, reverend.
Truly beautiful.
Thank you, my dear.
Of course, no one could really do him justice.
A very impressive funeral.
Well, thank you.
Thank you very much.
Considering you were burying the devil himself.
Jim.
What are you doing here? Artie, you couldn't be quiet, not even at your own funeral, could ya? Well, somebody had to tell the truth.
How do you like that? Six mourners.
You didn't even show up.
Tsk.
I tell you, you gotta die before you find out who your friends really are.
What is that fella doing standing around the grave so long? Whoever it is that's collecting murderers hasn't called on me yet.
Well, you're not big enough potatoes for him, that's all.
Wait until you kill somebody really important.
Listen, what you really need is some publicity.
How about starting a manhunt for yourself? Why, it's West.
Let's get him.
How about right now? Good time.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry.
Here.
No, that's perfectly all right.
Would you get out of my way? Please.
But you're so dusty.
Here, I'll just help you That's all right.
That's all right.
I'm dreadfully sorry.
Check that area over there.
You got him? Where's West? I'll get off at the next stop, driver.
Hey.
Hey, friend.
What is this place? I'm talking to you.
Quietly, friend.
The jury just brought in the verdict.
Prisoner at the bar, it is my solemn duty to pronounce sentence upon you.
You will be returned to the dungeon from whence you came until tomorrow morning, when you will be hanged by the neck until you are dead.
You can't do that.
And may the devil have mercy on your soul.
You're no real judge.
This place is just like a madhouse.
I'm innocent.
I don't wanna die.
No.
I don't wanna die.
Court's adjourned.
One moment, your honor.
Yes, Mr.
West? With all due respect to the court, I think you've got the wrong boy.
On the contrary.
You're here to stand trial for murder.
You'll have your day in court soon.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I don't even have a lawyer.
Oh, yes, you do, Mr.
West.
Lorelei.
I shall be defending you.
Well, uh, thanks, Lorelei.
You're very beautiful, and, uh, I'm sure a darn good lawyer, but I'll defend myself.
I promise I'll do everything within my power on your defense.
Who defended him? You can't win them all.
If you value your life, we'll need several consultations.
In your cell or mine? Your humor is ill-advised, Mr.
West.
Bailiff, remove the accused.
Your honor, I move that my case be thrown out of court.
I'll, uh- I'll take your motion under advisement.
On further consideration, Mr.
West, your motion is denied, but I'll throw you out of court instead.
That's all for now, Henry.
Just let me know when the senators arrive.
Come in, Gordon.
Colonel Richmond.
You look a lot healthier than the last time I saw you.
Thank you very much, sir.
I have got to admit that funeral black is hardly a flattering color to anybody.
Now what about Jim? Just another cruel, bloodthirsty murderer who's vanished into thin air.
Thank you, sir.
Excellent.
I suspect that at the moment, Jim is undoubtedly enjoying the company of such vicious killers as the Baltimore Strangler, the Axe Lady of Louisiana, Iron Hook Harper and all the others.
Charming lot.
Then our plan worked.
Uh, almost, sir.
Yes.
I- Basically, it still seems a very good notion to have lured this organization into whisking Jim away, and then having us watch to see where they took him, but they whisked so good there was nothing to watch.
So he just vanished like all the others.
Yes, sir.
And you haven't any idea where he's gone? No, sir, not yet.
I think I know how he got there.
Go on.
A hearse.
Oh, not the same one that took me to my grave.
This one seems to be a freelance.
At least it's not registered with any of the funeral homes in Washington.
That's very interesting, but does it help us find Jim? I think it will, sir.
You see, a hearse tends to be a little bit conspicuous.
It's got to be hidden someplace.
I'm checking the livery stables right now.
Ah.
That's why this getup.
Gordon, I, uh- I don't wanna put any more pressure on you, but- Don't say it, sir.
I know.
Jim has put his head into a nest of vipers.
A dozen of the most vicious killers in America.
Talk about vipers.
That's the senate investigation committee.
They're about to ask me a lot of embarrassing questions on the same subject.
Well, hold them off, sir.
I'll find Jim.
I promise.
I only hope it isn't too late.
Good morning, friend.
When do I get my bread and water? You can nod your head, can't you, or are you afraid your skull will rattle? If you really wanna make a noise, Mr.
West, we have devices here which are guaranteed to draw very loud outcries from you.
You're intruding on my meditation.
The jury won't be out long on you, West.
Oh, you've been here a long time.
One moment, friend.
Wait.
Come back.
Quickly, follow me.
Your only hope of escape.
Go quickly, Mr.
West.
Will you join me? No, it's not possible, but if you succeed in escaping I'll be back.
And I'll be waiting for you.
Court is now in session.
Prisoner at the bar, you are accused of murdering one Artemus Gordon.
How do you plea? Guilty or not guilty? No plea, your honor.
I challenge the jury.
Cause? Their fitness to judge, your honor.
I see the Baltimore Strangler, the Samurai from San Francisco, the Axe Lady, Shanto the Beard from Chicago, and Iron Hook Harper.
Murderers all, Mr.
West.
Could you ask for a more blue-ribbon jury? Oh, hardly.
Yes, I do see their qualifications, and you, judge, have you murdered anyone lately? Yes, Mr.
West, three prisoners by execution.
Counsel, are you ready to present your case? Ready for the prosecution, your lordship.
Prosecution? You have heard the evidence, which proves beyond the shadow of doubt, that the accused James West, wantonly, monstrously and with malice aforethought, did murder Artemus Gordon in cold blood.
As experts in your field, you are more aware than anyone of the foul calculation required to kill your best friend.
James West's guilt is evident.
It shows on his handsome, depraved face.
He must be found guilty.
May I give you a lift somewhere? Uh, thank- Thank you very much, my good man.
No, not today.
In the end, I get them all.
Oh? Tell me, my good man, w- where- Where do you take them all? Ah.
Especially James West.
I don't ask the names of my customers, as long as they're dead.
Ah, but there's the rub, you see? You only carry live ones.
And you're gonna tell me where.
Right now.
Ooh.
Members of the jury, have you reached a verdict? We have, your lordship.
How say you? Guilty as sin.
James West, you have been found guilty of murder by a jury of your peers.
I must now pronounce sentence.
You are free, and an honored member of the company of murderers.
Congratulations, West.
Congratulations.
Yes, thank you.
Good luck, certainly.
Thank you, madam.
You see, James, I told you I'd do everything possible on your defense.
For a while, I thought you were trying to get me convicted.
Of course I was.
Don't you realize what would have happened if you'd been acquitted? You mean that poor man that was tried yesterday? Yes, found innocent and hanged.
Oh, in that case, thanks.
What about your fee? We'll discuss that after your victory dinner tonight.
Gentlemen and lady, a toast.
A toast to our guest of honor.
Blackguard, murderer and all-around fiend.
Dear friends, I give you James West.
Mr.
West.
All right, all right.
Speech, speech.
Uh, thank you for that glowing introduction, Lorelei.
Fellow murderers, I have followed your career in the newspapers and other sources for some time, and I've always wanted to meet you, but not in a dark alley.
Being among you today is my black-letter day.
Aye there.
And even as I savor this honor, I think it only proper that we remember our host and benefactor, the man that's made this all possible.
And if he were here, whoever he is, I would propose a toast.
That is, if you hadn't already destroyed your glasses.
Hear, hear.
To our- To our lordship, aye.
Hear, hear.
Ah, so.
Ah, so.
Order.
Order, if you please.
Thank you.
And thank you, Mr.
West, for your gracious toast.
My friends, from this company of six- The unsurpassed members of a special guild- three of you will be chosen to assist me in a mighty undertaking.
The method of elimination I shall leave to your own ingenuity.
Such talented people should have no difficulty in reducing your number to the required three.
For those who survive, there will be wealth and power beyond your most avaricious dream.
I'll have some of that.
Oh, what do the three survivors have to do? If you should make the first team, Mr.
West, Miss Lorelei will instruct you.
Uh We've got one dropout.
Seems I've misplaced me steak knife.
Mr.
Beard, you were always one for the ladies, weren't you? Aye.
Hold it.
You killed me once this week.
Isn't that enough? Artie.
How'd you get here? By hearse.
Same way you did, only I had to do the driving.
But how did you know how to come? I didn't.
The horses did.
I just let 'em go.
Ahh, that's very clever.
Yeah, well, it's just a practical application of a theory I have about conditioned response.
I've got to write a paper about that one of these days.
Artie.
Not now, Artie, huh? Hmm.
All right.
What kind of resort is this? It looks like some kind of armory.
Right.
Now it's a boarding house for murderers.
All the killers that vanished are here, and then some.
Ah.
When am I gonna get to meet your friends, James? Anytime.
Right now I gotta find out what he's up to.
Who's he? Well, that's something else I have to find out.
Haven't you done anything since you got here? Well, I saved myself from being hanged.
Congratulations.
Tigo.
Do you know that it's forbidden to fraternize with the guests? Besides, it's time to ring curfew.
Yeah, well, it's a good idea.
Then we'll know where he is.
Fool, the bell tower's that way.
If you had as much wine to drink as he has, you wouldn't know where the bell tower was either.
Then he's both a fool and a drunkard.
For you, Mr.
West.
From Lorelei? She's waiting for you.
Lead on, friend.
Pleasant dreams, Mr.
West.
Lorelei? So sorry.
No Miss Lorelei here.
I steal her handkerchief at the banquet.
So you wanna make the team too? It is preferable to joining one's honorable ancestors, as you are about to do.
Congratulations to the victor.
I believe you dropped this, Lorelei.
You defeated a worthy opponent, Mr.
West.
Welcome aboard.
Suppose you tell me.
What's my next assignment? James, this is a great honor.
You've been chosen to kill the vice president.
The vice president of what? The United States.
Oh.
Well, why kill the vice president? Why not kill the president? Iron Hook has already drawn him.
Do we have to talk about that right now? There's so little time.
Darling.
Under other circumstances Go on.
I'd ask what a girl like you is doing in a place like this.
He brought me here.
The hanging judge? He's really a brilliant man.
He's going to save our country.
You believe that too? What is he going to save us from? The enemies from without and within.
Ah, hail the chief.
And his first lady.
Imagine me Mrs.
- Who? I'm not allowed to talk about that.
Anyway, there's something else we have to discuss.
What is it? My legal fees.
I have to leave.
The curfew's been sounded.
That isn't curfew.
It's the alarm.
That Tigo, he doesn't know one tune from another.
Come in, Mr.
West.
We have a little puzzle here that might amuse you.
This place is a puzzle.
We were drawn to the tower when we heard Tigo toll the alarm instead of curfew.
Imagine our surprise to discover not one, but two Tigos.
It's an amazing resemblance.
Brothers? Tigo was an only child.
So one of them is an imposter.
He is.
It's him.
I'm Tigo.
I'm Tigo! I know that face.
Now, where have I seen-? Of course.
It's Artemus Gordon.
You're wrong.
It's his twin brother Adolphis.
I'm here to avenge my brother's foul murder by this killer.
Quick thinking, Adolphis.
But your brother was an only child too.
Mr.
West, how do you account for this? It's a mystery to me.
I thought I'd killed him.
Then do it with this.
Go ahead.
Kill him.
How about that? I missed, didn't I? You did, indeed.
You don't imagine I'd be so foolish as to load more than one bullet in the gun, do you, Mr.
West? I suppose not.
Take them below.
That's the way I figured it, Artie.
He rounded up every top murderer in the country, and then he weeded them out until he came up with the three best.
To commit three murders.
President Grant, the vice president and who else? The secretary of state.
Probably.
He'd be next in line for the presidency.
It's a regular coup d'état.
We got to think of some way for gettin' outta here.
We will.
If we could only lower that bucket, we could climb up the rope.
Try this.
Gentlemen, each of us knows his mission.
We are on the threshold of a new order.
Twenty- Fifty years from tonight, the world will recall that we took history into our own hands to create a dynasty of power and leadership.
Tigo.
Yes, sir.
The hearse moves out in half an hour.
Yes, sir.
Last time I'll have to wear that.
Tomorrow you'll be president.
Am I still going to be your first lady? Lorelei, the wife of a president has to be above reproach.
Your conduct with James West has been disgusting.
Oh, Stephen, darling I only wanted you to be just the tiniest bit jealous.
Jealous? There's no time for jealousy.
You've been so busy.
You haven't noticed me for weeks.
Mmm.
Perhaps I have been preoccupied.
We'll kill West and his partner right now, darling, if you wish.
Not now.
After it's done, when I'm in power, then we'll kill 'em both.
You know, this could make a pretty entertaining game.
Of course, you use a ball instead of a rock.
Bucket-ball.
It'll never catch on.
I believe you sank one.
You know, it might be a good game at that.
The best.
James, my boy, there's a rope that's rotten to the core.
Any more bright ideas? Yeah, maybe.
Gunpowder.
Mm-hmm.
The fuse.
Thank you.
Artie.
Yeah.
Did the judge's voice sound familiar to you? Yeah, I must say, it certainly did.
I just couldn't place it, that's all.
You know, if we could associate a face with that voice, then we'd know who it was that was trying to seize control of our government.
Three o'clock, and all's well.
Three o'clock, and all's well.
Can you find your way back to Washington? Well, sure, the horse will show me the way.
Good.
Warn the president.
Right.
What about you? This place is full of rats.
I'm gonna stay here and clear it out.
Good luck.
It's time to go.
"My fellow citizens, "last night in a series of catastrophic events, "our country was suddenly deprived of its leadership.
"As of this moment, "the United States has no government.
"To prevent chaos, and to defeat the evil purpose "of those ruthless plotters, I, Senator Stephen Fenlow, have decided to take control.
" Come in.
Gentlemen.
Good day, Senator Fenlow.
Good day.
I hope you forgive this intrusion.
My card, sir.
I am the assistant to the secretary of state.
Senator Fenlow, I have been commissioned to tell you that, uh, as of last night, a heinous plot has been launched to liquidate the government of these United States.
President Grant, and the vice president, and the secretary of state were the first three victims.
I understand, sir.
As of this moment, we have no government.
To prevent chaos and to forestall this evil plan, I have decided to go to the White House and assume control.
Correction.
The only place you're going is to a federal courtroom to face trial for treason.
West, how did you-? Arrest that man.
He's wanted for murder.
Blast it, James.
You're always showboating.
I had this thing all wrapped up.
Artie, how did you figure it was Fenlow? Oh, I suddenly placed the voice, that's all.
I came down here to double-check.
I'm not Fenlow.
I am the president.
Don't you understand? I've seized power.
From now on, everybody will obey my orders.
Arrest those men.
I could have you shot for disobeying a presidential directive, and I am the president.
Now listen to me.
I am the president of the United States of America, and the constitution for which it stands, one nation, under God, indivisible It's just incredible.
To think that he actually kept you prisoner at that awful place for, uh how long? Oh, for weeks.
Oh, yes.
It was horrible.
All those murderers and that- That madman.
Oh, don't think about it.
Just don't think about it.
Voilà.
Crêpes suzette.
Heh-heh.
Artemus, oh, you're really very charming.
I know it.
Would you like some more champagne? Well, if I do, I won't be responsible for my behavior.
There's no problem there.
I'll accept responsibility for both of us.
James.
I've been waiting for you all evening.
Well, I haven't.
Where have you been, and do you have to stay? I've been out at Fenlow's private club- Or what's left of it.
- rounding up the murderers.
What's going to happen to them? Oh, they'll be extradited to stand trial, and Lorelei, we have an officer here for you.
Oh, James, oh, you won't let them take me back.
I can't help it.
He has a warrant.
Officer? Uh Artie, if you keep stealing my girlfriends, you're gonna end up dead again.
Oh, come on.
Oh, no, no, no.
Not from me.
I wouldn't harm a hair on your head.
From Lorelei.
Lorelei? What about her? Well, she's also known as the Peoria Poisoner.
Wh-? What has that to do-?