TripTank (2014) s02e13 Episode Script
Sick Day
1 Oh, crap, my paper on white pants is due tomorrow.
I still haven't done any research.
All right, why "d-don't you watch porn?" Oh, why don't I watch porn? [zipper opens.]
[chuckles.]
Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn Porn, p-porn, p-porn, tissue [electronic music.]
2x13 - Sick Day I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's just another nursing home I can't go back to.
Dude, your spontaneous boners are really becoming a problem.
Uh, agree to disagree.
Yo, mmm, pass me another stack of Gary's mail.
Guys, you're never gonna believe what I just saw! - Sasquatch.
- Boobies.
No, I was over at Gary's house peeking in his windows.
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
And that son of a bitch is sick as a dog.
- Oh, good.
- That bozo can suck it.
No, not good.
You know these delicious baby back ribs? Well, I stole them out of Gary's smoker.
What? That son of a bitch's germs are all over these delicious ribs? That son of a bitch is trying to get us all sick.
- Son of a bitch.
- No, no, no, I can't get sick.
You know I've got that thing this week.
Of course I know that.
I'm the one who booked the appointment.
Whoa, wait a second, guys.
You know how I'm deep into super-couponing? - We're aware.
- So stupid.
- Well - Holy shit! - So awesome! I know, right? With all my coupons, the store basically paid me seven cents a bottle to take all this cough syrup home.
Take that, Gary.
So much for your plan to get us all sick.
So, uh, how much cough syrup you think we need - to get all this Gary out of our bodies.
- I don't know.
This stuff is supposed to be pretty strong.
Guys, we should probably play it safe.
- Yeah, smart.
- So, one bottle each? That sounds right.
[all chugging.]
[glass shattering.]
You know, I did eat a shit-ton of those ribs.
- As did I.
- Right, one more bottle, then? Yeah, that should do the trick.
[all chugging, glass shattering.]
You know, now that I think about it, I spent over an hour pressed up against Gary's window.
I was probably exposed to a lot of Gary germs.
Holy shit, we've been touching his mail all afternoon! Okay, one last bottle, just to be on the safe side.
Down the hatch.
[all chugging.]
If I can be brutally honest, I don't hate the way - this stuff tastes over here.
- Yeah, it's all grapy and delicious.
Mmm, and I'm gonna need something to wash these ribs down.
You know what? Let me get some cups, some ice.
We'll come back down here, crack open a few more bottles, and plan our ultimate revenge on Gary like civilized people.
- I second that plan.
- Agreed.
Mmm.
Oh, it's times like this I wish Barbara was still around to make me a bowl of warm chicken soup.
Nah, she'd probably just yell at me.
[knock at door.]
Doorbell! Oh, who could that be? Guys? - [grunts.]
Disguises.
- Hi, you're gross.
Dana, Andy, Matt, what's going on? It's us you jerk.
[screaming.]
Just your classic all the cough syrup 'cause I've got an appointment to get my hairs cut prank revenge.
[moaning.]
Suck it, Gary.
[vomits.]
[all panting, grunt.]
[tires squeal.]
[screams.]
[yelling.]
[car horn blaring.]
[cell phone beeps.]
[line trilling.]
911, what's your emergency? Hey, Wanda, it's me again.
Oh, hey, Gary.
Do the guys need help? Yeah, better send an ambulance and the fire department too.
Suck it, Gary Oh, God, I'm so sick.
I feel like Lil' Sandy at the Build-a-Bear Workshop.
I'm stuffed.
I'm all I'm all stuffed up.
Anybody? Roy? Ugh.
I shouldn't have come into work today.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, hello, SickTank I mean TripTank.
Hey, man.
I'm just a radical dude with a fresh attitude.
I don't play by anybody's rules.
Why don't I come down there? We could pop some grinds on our skateboards.
Ugh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sick.
We'll just turn our caps around backwards 'cause [door opens.]
Mom! Shut the door! I'm on the phone! Told you a million times! - Sorry about that, man.
- Ugh, no problem.
Look, home-skillet, why don't we go do some graffitis down at the youth center? And then tonight maybe we can wang-chung at the [door opens.]
Get grandma out of here! Everybody out of the bathroom! I got to split, but I'll catch you down low on the flip-flop.
[receiver clatters.]
I'm dying.
[electronic music.]
[lounge music.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, my next guest just released a new album, "Emoji Hearts" Please welcome the very talented Amber Twinklez.
[applause.]
So, Amber, how does it feel to have the - number-one single in America? - It's crazy, y'all.
A few years ago, I came to this town with nothing but a promise ring and a dream.
Now I'm about to go on a 20-city tour.
I just feel so doggone blessed.
All: Aww.
Well, I'm sure that seeing your perform live will make a lot of children around the country very happy.
Yeah, well, my music isn't just for, like, little kids or whatever.
- Hail Satan.
- Huh.
Well, I can attest to that.
I, uh, sometimes catch myself singing your hits in the shower.
Emoji hearts flying at me like darts [laughter.]
I'm not very good.
[applause.]
No, my songs are not for humans.
They are for pansexual, robot dog-men - from the year 40,000 A.
D.
- Woof, woof.
That's really artistic.
It seems like you're growing up before our very eyes, Amber.
That's just it.
When you're a celebrity, people don't want you to change.
I love my fans, but I need the freedom to discover who I really am.
[roaring.]
And if that means reinventing myself, I just hope people won't hate me for that.
That's great.
That's so great.
Is there any anything else? Well, um, thank you for coming on the the program, Amber? [male voice.]
Oh, no, thank you for having me.
You're a real mensch.
And everyone, please, but the album.
My grandkids, they love it, and I think you will too.
Amber Twinklez, everyone.
[cheering, vomiting.]
Sorry.
I have a thing.
[cheers and applause.]
[fly buzzing.]
[gunshot.]
[buzzing stops.]
That'll teach you to God damn it.
[fly buzzing.]
[buzzing stops.]
That'll teach you Ah, son of a bitch.
[gunshots.]
[fly buzzing.]
[electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
Whoa, Steve, what the hell happened to you, man? You look like a steaming pile of dog shit.
Roy, is that you? Come closer, I can barely make out your shape.
I think you're sick, man.
You shouldn't have come in to work today.
I feel all kinds of weird, like I'm a figment of someone else's imagination, a construct that only exists to answer these phones - and verbally joust with you.
- Damn, son, you are sick.
Don't worry, though.
Old Roy's got you covered.
Now, where is it? Let me see.
Aha.
Here we go.
It's my own small-batch homemade wellness elixir.
I call it Roy-batussin.
This shit will make you right as rain, man.
So what is it, like, holistic herbs and stuff? Nah, man, none of that hippie shit.
The active ingredient is petroleum.
- And it works? - Down the hatch.
[chugging.]
[gasps.]
Tastes like bananas? That's the banana Now & Later, man.
I put it in there to cover up the embalming fluid.
[jazzy music.]
God, it smells like a swamp in here.
Another full C-bag? Ugh.
This is the third one today.
Girl, they don't pay you enough.
[moaning.]
What the hell was that? [moaning.]
Oh, my God.
Dr.
Schwartz, come quick! The Codeine Three are waking up from their comas.
[moaning.]
It's okay, it's okay.
Take your time.
I'm here.
What are you trying to say? Suuuc.
Iiiit.
- Did you just say, "Suck it"? - Suck it! - Suck it! Suck it! - Suck it! Suck it! All: [chanting.]
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it, Gary! Yes, they're okay.
My guys are okay.
- Sounds like they're gonna be all right.
- I'm gonna be all right, too, now that you're giving me one of your kidneys.
Wait.
I thought I was getting one of your kidneys.
Suck it, Gary [electronic music.]
[traditional Japanese music.]
Hmm.
[camera shutter clicking.]
Going to send this one to ninjabuddy08.
Slide up in that bitch DMs like haha.
You know you like it.
And look at the size of [clatter.]
[clears throat.]
- Both: Sir.
- Yes.
Has the target been spotted? Yes, sir, the mob boss Franky Fingerstink and his entourage meeting in The Tea Bagger fine China shop.
Clearly a front for their true hideout.
This is to be done in the true ninja way quickly, discreetly, and, above all else, silently.
Send the "dispatchment" team in now.
Uh, sir, there is already an assassin on the scene.
Yeah, we, uh, told him we had it, but he kind of insisted.
Yeah, uh, in a rather loud manner.
Oh, Lord, no.
[gong.]
All right, all right.
This meeting will come to order.
First order of business anybody caught posting selfies on the organized life in crime style Web page will be immediately shot in the face.
[click, people grumbling.]
Wha What the hell? What the hell just happened? I bet you spaghetti-slurping mother[bleep.]
wondering what the hell just happened, huh? Well, yeah, which would explain why I just asked, "What the hell just happened?" You're asking yourselves "Where did the lights go?" "Why am I suddenly shrouded in darkness being tormented by the angel of death?" - Why? - Oh, shit.
Hey, while that guy was yelling, I found the light switch.
[people murmuring.]
Right, now, where was I? Oh, yeah tormented by the angel of death, waiting in darkness to be slain by the greatest - God damn it.
- Hey, I got the sandwiches.
You guys sitting around in the dark for? - Holy - Your time in near! All you bitches will taste my cold mother[bleep.]
steel! Why's he yelling? I thought ninjas were supposed to be, like, quiet and stealthy and shit.
Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.
And why is he wearing fluorescent colors? You can see this guy coming a mile away.
Yeah, not very stealthy at all.
- Pretty shitty as far as ninjas go.
- Yeah, pretty shitty, by the way, I am impressed with your usage of the word "stealthy.
" Yeah, I've been doing a bit of reading lately, you know, in between beating guys to death with baseball bats and shooting people in the head and whatnot, you know, trying to be a better me, you know? Yeah, I definitely see a difference.
- Well, thanks for noticing.
- Don't mention My sword is making you all his bitch! I'm in your ass with no kiss! Is he rhyming? Is this guy rhyming while talking? God, that's annoying.
This is easily the most annoying ninja I have ever dealt with.
Well, I mean, it's the only ninja I Death is my business, bitch, and business Oh, shit, my foot.
Is this guy serious? He's the ninja? The [bleep.]
ninja tripping over things in the dark? - And business is good! - Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that's a catch phrase from some movie or some shit.
What you gonna do when I lay my vengeance down on you? He just mixed Hulk Hogan with Samuel Jackson from "Pulp Fiction.
" I can't take no more of this.
- You shoot me, I shoot you? - Deal.
Sweet relief.
It's like I'm walking on sunshine! Buckle up, buddy.
It's kicking in.
God, I wish I had a father.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, Steve, it's Coach Craig from high school.
Have you still been doing your push-ups, Steve? I bet you have.
I bet you're shredded, boy.
I bet you look like Vin Diesel.
Yeah, I do look like Vin Diesel.
No, you don't.
You a liar.
You were a fat sack of shit in high school, and you're probably still a fat sack of shit now.
I bet your body look like ten fat bitching hugging.
[sobbing.]
It does.
It does.
Goddamn, boy.
Have some self-respect, Steve.
The best thing you ever did was repeat a grade.
So I got an extra year of telling you what a fat sack of shit you were.
Yeah, that was the best year of my life! Hey, who do I talk to about getting one of them, uh, "TripTank" T-shirts with your stupid fat face on them? [sobbing.]
Let me transfer you.
[electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
- You feel that? - Feel what? - I'm Shrek.
- What? - What? - You just said you were Shrek.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
Why would you just be standing there and all of the sudden say you were Shrek? Are you Shrek? Are you Shrek? Oh, you got to tell me if you're Shrek! You got to [bleep.]
tell me, man! I-I could smell a Shrek a million miles away.
Huh? Huh? Huh? [telephone ringing.]
This is TripTank.
How can I help you? Hi.
Yeah, this is Deon Salisbury no relation.
I'm the lead singer for the band Sally Field's Hairy Pussy.
Wow.
That's a really great band name.
Anyway, we wrote a theme song for you guys.
I'd like to sing it.
Here it goes.
- Uh we can't take unsolicited - Two, three, four TripTank, eat a bag of dicks TripTank, you're a piece of shit TripTank TripTank - Well, it is catchy.
[reporters shouting indistinctly.]
Settle down, everybody.
Settle down.
Everyone settle down.
Back to your seats.
[feedback.]
As you know, gigantic insects have taken the city under siege.
There's a pretty good chance that we're the only ones still alive.
Let's start with the skyscraper-sized, armored, intergalactic battle spiders.
[people screaming.]
Our team of scientists have come up with conclusive evidence that the spiders are pretty big and covered in eyeballs.
The trick is you got to stab them in the red eyeball, which is on their belly.
[reporters shouting.]
You, with the dumb hat, uh, what's your question? No, not you, the other one.
Mr.
Mayor, did you or did you not cheat on your wife - with your hair stylist? - We've been over these allegations.
You, with the pirate getup.
Yar, the hair stylist, did she swab your deck? The world needs to know.
I had no such affair.
Now back to the apocalyptic insects.
[people screaming.]
You, with the face transplant.
I've never slept with a woman.
I was wondering if you could give me some tips in that department.
I will only, only answer questions about the insect invasion! Does anyone have any questions about the insects? Are you guys serious right now? You, sir, the one in the baby getup, please.
Yes, uh, thank you, Mr.
Mayor.
[vomits.]
I'm sorry.
That just happens sometimes.
It's W-We know about your condition.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll continue.
If you were a giant centipede, would you have - crazy, hot centipede sex - Pretty sure I'd be destroying the building we're in right now because that's what the centipedes are doing! Get down, everybody! They're coming in! Now, don't you see? We're all dead men if we don't work together.
- You, in the lobster suit.
- Thank you.
Earlier this morning, my wife and my, uh my two children - were eaten by the bigger slugs.
- You didn't pour any salt on them? - No, I - Yeah, when you pour salt - on a slug, it just dies.
- Oh, my God.
I have so much salt, and they're so big, and they move so slow.
I could've I just need to push past that.
Sorry to hear about your loss.
What's your question, bud? My wife, who was dying in my arms, her last words to me were I can't believe the mayor cheated on his wife.
And then she died for, like, a second, and then she came back, and then she said the words - "Hair stylist.
" - And then she died again.
Then she came back one last time.
Then she straight up died.
There's not one question in that whole paragraph.
- You just had - You didn't let me finish.
My question is, "Did you have that affair?" Oh, thank God.
[people screaming.]
[electronic music.]
American reliance on Hispanic labor has reached an all-time high.
In order to deal with the overflow of emergency calls, 911 has opted to create another, cheaper emergency calling service 811, or Mexican 911.
Oh, my God, as if anyone's ever gonna use that.
Ugh.
[grunting.]
Ow, my leg! Somebody help! God! Okay, wai [phone beeping.]
[line trilling.]
- Hello, this is 911.
- Uh, hi.
I had an accident.
Due to an overflow of calls, we're going to have - to put you on hold.
- What? Your current wait time is only - 2 hours and 59 minutes.
- Are you kidding me? What am I going to do? Oh, shit.
Am I doing this? [line trilling.]
- Okay.
- Hola.
Hello? I had an accident, and I need help.
¿Usted necesita ayuda? Uh, ¿s� I hurt my leg.
Estamos enviando un equipo de la respuesta - de emergencia a su casa.
- Um ¿Usted necesita todo lo demás? - No? - Bueno, gracias, señor.
[knocking at door.]
Hey, I'm in here! I-I broke my leg.
I need help.
[spurs jingling, footsteps approaching.]
[trilling tongue.]
[upbeat traditional Mexican music.]
Wait, wait.
This I I'm in pain.
Can you help me, please? Are we gonna get to the leg? Are you guys gonna get to the leg? What the [bell dings.]
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? No, no, no.
No, please! Jesus, that was worthless, but so affordable.
Thank you, Mexican 911.
Try Mexican 911 today.
Arriba! [fly buzzing.]
[man.]
Ah, yeah, who's good at his job? This guy.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, TripTank.
God damn you, TripTank! Your show is making my hemorrhoids flame up - like a freakin' Roman candle! - Well, you called the right place.
Don't worry.
Just let me find the extension.
- Oh, the pain in my butthole.
- Let me transfer you.
Whoa, Roy.
Have you always had tattoos on one of your heads? Yeah, man.
Roy's got to be true to his roots.
- Tear your face off.
- Okay.
[screaming.]
Nice.
Now I'll do mine.
[shouting creepily.]
Oh, it's all eyes! Everything is eyes! [electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
[sirens wailing.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't the infamous 1,000-pound pimp, Iceberg Huge.
[flatulence.]
Yo.
What up, Skinny D? How'd you get so fat, pimp? [scoffs.]
You know, it runs in my family.
I take after my dad famous jazz singer Eats Domino's.
- So, Skinny, what you want? - I got a proposition.
Seeing as you got money and I got mad kilos, let's do business together.
Uh yo, I could get down with that.
[siren wailing.]
We know you're in there, Iceberg Huge.
Oh, shit! The police.
Come on out now and nobody gets hurt.
Hell, no, bitch.
You got to come up here and get me.
Man, I can barely move my arms.
If you say so.
Let's go, boys.
What you doing, man? We'll all get busted.
Hell, no.
I got a plan, B.
Hos.
Which one of you hos gonna give me what I want? - We gave you your money, pimp.
- I don't want no money.
I want 13 bags of White Castle hamburgers with extra cheese, baby, baby.
All: On it, pimp.
[music.]
Oh! Ah! [scarfing.]
Now everybody get on the bed.
- Freeze, pimp! - Hey, yo, bitch.
Hand me that half-eaten big nut bar, ho.
[sniffs.]
Ah.
[creaking.]
Baby, baby.
[all scream.]
- Shit, that hurt.
- That was some quick thinking, pimp.
Now sit back and relax.
[engine turning over.]
We gonna be late, baby, baby.
[electronic music.]
Oh, my gosh.
What was that? - Wow.
I think my fever broke.
- Hey, BFB.
How you feeling? I'm actually feeling better.
That's great, man.
Perfect timing.
I just got the phones working again.
- What do you mean? - The phones, man.
- They've been down all day.
- What? No, they haven't.
I've been answering the phones all day.
Oh, shoot.
That's just the hallucinations, man.
Fever dreams you've been riding the purple dragon.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I got a little secret for you.
[whispers.]
You still are.
[shouting creepily.]
TripTank.
Though your methods are a bit unorthodox, you did manage to dispatch Franky Fingerstink and his entire crew.
Well done.
I used your ancient teachings to [bleep.]
'em in the ass! O-kay.
I still haven't done any research.
All right, why "d-don't you watch porn?" Oh, why don't I watch porn? [zipper opens.]
[chuckles.]
Porn, porn, porn, porn, porn Porn, p-porn, p-porn, tissue [electronic music.]
2x13 - Sick Day I don't know.
I mean, I guess it's just another nursing home I can't go back to.
Dude, your spontaneous boners are really becoming a problem.
Uh, agree to disagree.
Yo, mmm, pass me another stack of Gary's mail.
Guys, you're never gonna believe what I just saw! - Sasquatch.
- Boobies.
No, I was over at Gary's house peeking in his windows.
- Right.
- Uh-huh.
And that son of a bitch is sick as a dog.
- Oh, good.
- That bozo can suck it.
No, not good.
You know these delicious baby back ribs? Well, I stole them out of Gary's smoker.
What? That son of a bitch's germs are all over these delicious ribs? That son of a bitch is trying to get us all sick.
- Son of a bitch.
- No, no, no, I can't get sick.
You know I've got that thing this week.
Of course I know that.
I'm the one who booked the appointment.
Whoa, wait a second, guys.
You know how I'm deep into super-couponing? - We're aware.
- So stupid.
- Well - Holy shit! - So awesome! I know, right? With all my coupons, the store basically paid me seven cents a bottle to take all this cough syrup home.
Take that, Gary.
So much for your plan to get us all sick.
So, uh, how much cough syrup you think we need - to get all this Gary out of our bodies.
- I don't know.
This stuff is supposed to be pretty strong.
Guys, we should probably play it safe.
- Yeah, smart.
- So, one bottle each? That sounds right.
[all chugging.]
[glass shattering.]
You know, I did eat a shit-ton of those ribs.
- As did I.
- Right, one more bottle, then? Yeah, that should do the trick.
[all chugging, glass shattering.]
You know, now that I think about it, I spent over an hour pressed up against Gary's window.
I was probably exposed to a lot of Gary germs.
Holy shit, we've been touching his mail all afternoon! Okay, one last bottle, just to be on the safe side.
Down the hatch.
[all chugging.]
If I can be brutally honest, I don't hate the way - this stuff tastes over here.
- Yeah, it's all grapy and delicious.
Mmm, and I'm gonna need something to wash these ribs down.
You know what? Let me get some cups, some ice.
We'll come back down here, crack open a few more bottles, and plan our ultimate revenge on Gary like civilized people.
- I second that plan.
- Agreed.
Mmm.
Oh, it's times like this I wish Barbara was still around to make me a bowl of warm chicken soup.
Nah, she'd probably just yell at me.
[knock at door.]
Doorbell! Oh, who could that be? Guys? - [grunts.]
Disguises.
- Hi, you're gross.
Dana, Andy, Matt, what's going on? It's us you jerk.
[screaming.]
Just your classic all the cough syrup 'cause I've got an appointment to get my hairs cut prank revenge.
[moaning.]
Suck it, Gary.
[vomits.]
[all panting, grunt.]
[tires squeal.]
[screams.]
[yelling.]
[car horn blaring.]
[cell phone beeps.]
[line trilling.]
911, what's your emergency? Hey, Wanda, it's me again.
Oh, hey, Gary.
Do the guys need help? Yeah, better send an ambulance and the fire department too.
Suck it, Gary Oh, God, I'm so sick.
I feel like Lil' Sandy at the Build-a-Bear Workshop.
I'm stuffed.
I'm all I'm all stuffed up.
Anybody? Roy? Ugh.
I shouldn't have come into work today.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, hello, SickTank I mean TripTank.
Hey, man.
I'm just a radical dude with a fresh attitude.
I don't play by anybody's rules.
Why don't I come down there? We could pop some grinds on our skateboards.
Ugh, I don't know.
I'm pretty sick.
We'll just turn our caps around backwards 'cause [door opens.]
Mom! Shut the door! I'm on the phone! Told you a million times! - Sorry about that, man.
- Ugh, no problem.
Look, home-skillet, why don't we go do some graffitis down at the youth center? And then tonight maybe we can wang-chung at the [door opens.]
Get grandma out of here! Everybody out of the bathroom! I got to split, but I'll catch you down low on the flip-flop.
[receiver clatters.]
I'm dying.
[electronic music.]
[lounge music.]
[cheers and applause.]
All right, my next guest just released a new album, "Emoji Hearts" Please welcome the very talented Amber Twinklez.
[applause.]
So, Amber, how does it feel to have the - number-one single in America? - It's crazy, y'all.
A few years ago, I came to this town with nothing but a promise ring and a dream.
Now I'm about to go on a 20-city tour.
I just feel so doggone blessed.
All: Aww.
Well, I'm sure that seeing your perform live will make a lot of children around the country very happy.
Yeah, well, my music isn't just for, like, little kids or whatever.
- Hail Satan.
- Huh.
Well, I can attest to that.
I, uh, sometimes catch myself singing your hits in the shower.
Emoji hearts flying at me like darts [laughter.]
I'm not very good.
[applause.]
No, my songs are not for humans.
They are for pansexual, robot dog-men - from the year 40,000 A.
D.
- Woof, woof.
That's really artistic.
It seems like you're growing up before our very eyes, Amber.
That's just it.
When you're a celebrity, people don't want you to change.
I love my fans, but I need the freedom to discover who I really am.
[roaring.]
And if that means reinventing myself, I just hope people won't hate me for that.
That's great.
That's so great.
Is there any anything else? Well, um, thank you for coming on the the program, Amber? [male voice.]
Oh, no, thank you for having me.
You're a real mensch.
And everyone, please, but the album.
My grandkids, they love it, and I think you will too.
Amber Twinklez, everyone.
[cheering, vomiting.]
Sorry.
I have a thing.
[cheers and applause.]
[fly buzzing.]
[gunshot.]
[buzzing stops.]
That'll teach you to God damn it.
[fly buzzing.]
[buzzing stops.]
That'll teach you Ah, son of a bitch.
[gunshots.]
[fly buzzing.]
[electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
Whoa, Steve, what the hell happened to you, man? You look like a steaming pile of dog shit.
Roy, is that you? Come closer, I can barely make out your shape.
I think you're sick, man.
You shouldn't have come in to work today.
I feel all kinds of weird, like I'm a figment of someone else's imagination, a construct that only exists to answer these phones - and verbally joust with you.
- Damn, son, you are sick.
Don't worry, though.
Old Roy's got you covered.
Now, where is it? Let me see.
Aha.
Here we go.
It's my own small-batch homemade wellness elixir.
I call it Roy-batussin.
This shit will make you right as rain, man.
So what is it, like, holistic herbs and stuff? Nah, man, none of that hippie shit.
The active ingredient is petroleum.
- And it works? - Down the hatch.
[chugging.]
[gasps.]
Tastes like bananas? That's the banana Now & Later, man.
I put it in there to cover up the embalming fluid.
[jazzy music.]
God, it smells like a swamp in here.
Another full C-bag? Ugh.
This is the third one today.
Girl, they don't pay you enough.
[moaning.]
What the hell was that? [moaning.]
Oh, my God.
Dr.
Schwartz, come quick! The Codeine Three are waking up from their comas.
[moaning.]
It's okay, it's okay.
Take your time.
I'm here.
What are you trying to say? Suuuc.
Iiiit.
- Did you just say, "Suck it"? - Suck it! - Suck it! Suck it! - Suck it! Suck it! All: [chanting.]
Suck it! Suck it! Suck it! Suck it, Gary! Yes, they're okay.
My guys are okay.
- Sounds like they're gonna be all right.
- I'm gonna be all right, too, now that you're giving me one of your kidneys.
Wait.
I thought I was getting one of your kidneys.
Suck it, Gary [electronic music.]
[traditional Japanese music.]
Hmm.
[camera shutter clicking.]
Going to send this one to ninjabuddy08.
Slide up in that bitch DMs like haha.
You know you like it.
And look at the size of [clatter.]
[clears throat.]
- Both: Sir.
- Yes.
Has the target been spotted? Yes, sir, the mob boss Franky Fingerstink and his entourage meeting in The Tea Bagger fine China shop.
Clearly a front for their true hideout.
This is to be done in the true ninja way quickly, discreetly, and, above all else, silently.
Send the "dispatchment" team in now.
Uh, sir, there is already an assassin on the scene.
Yeah, we, uh, told him we had it, but he kind of insisted.
Yeah, uh, in a rather loud manner.
Oh, Lord, no.
[gong.]
All right, all right.
This meeting will come to order.
First order of business anybody caught posting selfies on the organized life in crime style Web page will be immediately shot in the face.
[click, people grumbling.]
Wha What the hell? What the hell just happened? I bet you spaghetti-slurping mother[bleep.]
wondering what the hell just happened, huh? Well, yeah, which would explain why I just asked, "What the hell just happened?" You're asking yourselves "Where did the lights go?" "Why am I suddenly shrouded in darkness being tormented by the angel of death?" - Why? - Oh, shit.
Hey, while that guy was yelling, I found the light switch.
[people murmuring.]
Right, now, where was I? Oh, yeah tormented by the angel of death, waiting in darkness to be slain by the greatest - God damn it.
- Hey, I got the sandwiches.
You guys sitting around in the dark for? - Holy - Your time in near! All you bitches will taste my cold mother[bleep.]
steel! Why's he yelling? I thought ninjas were supposed to be, like, quiet and stealthy and shit.
Yeah, I was just thinking the same thing.
And why is he wearing fluorescent colors? You can see this guy coming a mile away.
Yeah, not very stealthy at all.
- Pretty shitty as far as ninjas go.
- Yeah, pretty shitty, by the way, I am impressed with your usage of the word "stealthy.
" Yeah, I've been doing a bit of reading lately, you know, in between beating guys to death with baseball bats and shooting people in the head and whatnot, you know, trying to be a better me, you know? Yeah, I definitely see a difference.
- Well, thanks for noticing.
- Don't mention My sword is making you all his bitch! I'm in your ass with no kiss! Is he rhyming? Is this guy rhyming while talking? God, that's annoying.
This is easily the most annoying ninja I have ever dealt with.
Well, I mean, it's the only ninja I Death is my business, bitch, and business Oh, shit, my foot.
Is this guy serious? He's the ninja? The [bleep.]
ninja tripping over things in the dark? - And business is good! - Yeah, and I'm pretty sure that's a catch phrase from some movie or some shit.
What you gonna do when I lay my vengeance down on you? He just mixed Hulk Hogan with Samuel Jackson from "Pulp Fiction.
" I can't take no more of this.
- You shoot me, I shoot you? - Deal.
Sweet relief.
It's like I'm walking on sunshine! Buckle up, buddy.
It's kicking in.
God, I wish I had a father.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, TripTank.
Hey, Steve, it's Coach Craig from high school.
Have you still been doing your push-ups, Steve? I bet you have.
I bet you're shredded, boy.
I bet you look like Vin Diesel.
Yeah, I do look like Vin Diesel.
No, you don't.
You a liar.
You were a fat sack of shit in high school, and you're probably still a fat sack of shit now.
I bet your body look like ten fat bitching hugging.
[sobbing.]
It does.
It does.
Goddamn, boy.
Have some self-respect, Steve.
The best thing you ever did was repeat a grade.
So I got an extra year of telling you what a fat sack of shit you were.
Yeah, that was the best year of my life! Hey, who do I talk to about getting one of them, uh, "TripTank" T-shirts with your stupid fat face on them? [sobbing.]
Let me transfer you.
[electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
- You feel that? - Feel what? - I'm Shrek.
- What? - What? - You just said you were Shrek.
- No, I didn't.
- Yeah, you did.
Why would you just be standing there and all of the sudden say you were Shrek? Are you Shrek? Are you Shrek? Oh, you got to tell me if you're Shrek! You got to [bleep.]
tell me, man! I-I could smell a Shrek a million miles away.
Huh? Huh? Huh? [telephone ringing.]
This is TripTank.
How can I help you? Hi.
Yeah, this is Deon Salisbury no relation.
I'm the lead singer for the band Sally Field's Hairy Pussy.
Wow.
That's a really great band name.
Anyway, we wrote a theme song for you guys.
I'd like to sing it.
Here it goes.
- Uh we can't take unsolicited - Two, three, four TripTank, eat a bag of dicks TripTank, you're a piece of shit TripTank TripTank - Well, it is catchy.
[reporters shouting indistinctly.]
Settle down, everybody.
Settle down.
Everyone settle down.
Back to your seats.
[feedback.]
As you know, gigantic insects have taken the city under siege.
There's a pretty good chance that we're the only ones still alive.
Let's start with the skyscraper-sized, armored, intergalactic battle spiders.
[people screaming.]
Our team of scientists have come up with conclusive evidence that the spiders are pretty big and covered in eyeballs.
The trick is you got to stab them in the red eyeball, which is on their belly.
[reporters shouting.]
You, with the dumb hat, uh, what's your question? No, not you, the other one.
Mr.
Mayor, did you or did you not cheat on your wife - with your hair stylist? - We've been over these allegations.
You, with the pirate getup.
Yar, the hair stylist, did she swab your deck? The world needs to know.
I had no such affair.
Now back to the apocalyptic insects.
[people screaming.]
You, with the face transplant.
I've never slept with a woman.
I was wondering if you could give me some tips in that department.
I will only, only answer questions about the insect invasion! Does anyone have any questions about the insects? Are you guys serious right now? You, sir, the one in the baby getup, please.
Yes, uh, thank you, Mr.
Mayor.
[vomits.]
I'm sorry.
That just happens sometimes.
It's W-We know about your condition.
Thank you, thank you.
I'll continue.
If you were a giant centipede, would you have - crazy, hot centipede sex - Pretty sure I'd be destroying the building we're in right now because that's what the centipedes are doing! Get down, everybody! They're coming in! Now, don't you see? We're all dead men if we don't work together.
- You, in the lobster suit.
- Thank you.
Earlier this morning, my wife and my, uh my two children - were eaten by the bigger slugs.
- You didn't pour any salt on them? - No, I - Yeah, when you pour salt - on a slug, it just dies.
- Oh, my God.
I have so much salt, and they're so big, and they move so slow.
I could've I just need to push past that.
Sorry to hear about your loss.
What's your question, bud? My wife, who was dying in my arms, her last words to me were I can't believe the mayor cheated on his wife.
And then she died for, like, a second, and then she came back, and then she said the words - "Hair stylist.
" - And then she died again.
Then she came back one last time.
Then she straight up died.
There's not one question in that whole paragraph.
- You just had - You didn't let me finish.
My question is, "Did you have that affair?" Oh, thank God.
[people screaming.]
[electronic music.]
American reliance on Hispanic labor has reached an all-time high.
In order to deal with the overflow of emergency calls, 911 has opted to create another, cheaper emergency calling service 811, or Mexican 911.
Oh, my God, as if anyone's ever gonna use that.
Ugh.
[grunting.]
Ow, my leg! Somebody help! God! Okay, wai [phone beeping.]
[line trilling.]
- Hello, this is 911.
- Uh, hi.
I had an accident.
Due to an overflow of calls, we're going to have - to put you on hold.
- What? Your current wait time is only - 2 hours and 59 minutes.
- Are you kidding me? What am I going to do? Oh, shit.
Am I doing this? [line trilling.]
- Okay.
- Hola.
Hello? I had an accident, and I need help.
¿Usted necesita ayuda? Uh, ¿s� I hurt my leg.
Estamos enviando un equipo de la respuesta - de emergencia a su casa.
- Um ¿Usted necesita todo lo demás? - No? - Bueno, gracias, señor.
[knocking at door.]
Hey, I'm in here! I-I broke my leg.
I need help.
[spurs jingling, footsteps approaching.]
[trilling tongue.]
[upbeat traditional Mexican music.]
Wait, wait.
This I I'm in pain.
Can you help me, please? Are we gonna get to the leg? Are you guys gonna get to the leg? What the [bell dings.]
Whoa.
Wait, wait, wait.
Where are you going? No, no, no.
No, please! Jesus, that was worthless, but so affordable.
Thank you, Mexican 911.
Try Mexican 911 today.
Arriba! [fly buzzing.]
[man.]
Ah, yeah, who's good at his job? This guy.
[telephone ringing.]
Hello, TripTank.
God damn you, TripTank! Your show is making my hemorrhoids flame up - like a freakin' Roman candle! - Well, you called the right place.
Don't worry.
Just let me find the extension.
- Oh, the pain in my butthole.
- Let me transfer you.
Whoa, Roy.
Have you always had tattoos on one of your heads? Yeah, man.
Roy's got to be true to his roots.
- Tear your face off.
- Okay.
[screaming.]
Nice.
Now I'll do mine.
[shouting creepily.]
Oh, it's all eyes! Everything is eyes! [electronic music.]
[electronic music.]
[sirens wailing.]
Well, well, well, if it isn't the infamous 1,000-pound pimp, Iceberg Huge.
[flatulence.]
Yo.
What up, Skinny D? How'd you get so fat, pimp? [scoffs.]
You know, it runs in my family.
I take after my dad famous jazz singer Eats Domino's.
- So, Skinny, what you want? - I got a proposition.
Seeing as you got money and I got mad kilos, let's do business together.
Uh yo, I could get down with that.
[siren wailing.]
We know you're in there, Iceberg Huge.
Oh, shit! The police.
Come on out now and nobody gets hurt.
Hell, no, bitch.
You got to come up here and get me.
Man, I can barely move my arms.
If you say so.
Let's go, boys.
What you doing, man? We'll all get busted.
Hell, no.
I got a plan, B.
Hos.
Which one of you hos gonna give me what I want? - We gave you your money, pimp.
- I don't want no money.
I want 13 bags of White Castle hamburgers with extra cheese, baby, baby.
All: On it, pimp.
[music.]
Oh! Ah! [scarfing.]
Now everybody get on the bed.
- Freeze, pimp! - Hey, yo, bitch.
Hand me that half-eaten big nut bar, ho.
[sniffs.]
Ah.
[creaking.]
Baby, baby.
[all scream.]
- Shit, that hurt.
- That was some quick thinking, pimp.
Now sit back and relax.
[engine turning over.]
We gonna be late, baby, baby.
[electronic music.]
Oh, my gosh.
What was that? - Wow.
I think my fever broke.
- Hey, BFB.
How you feeling? I'm actually feeling better.
That's great, man.
Perfect timing.
I just got the phones working again.
- What do you mean? - The phones, man.
- They've been down all day.
- What? No, they haven't.
I've been answering the phones all day.
Oh, shoot.
That's just the hallucinations, man.
Fever dreams you've been riding the purple dragon.
- Really? - Yeah.
And I got a little secret for you.
[whispers.]
You still are.
[shouting creepily.]
TripTank.
Though your methods are a bit unorthodox, you did manage to dispatch Franky Fingerstink and his entire crew.
Well done.
I used your ancient teachings to [bleep.]
'em in the ass! O-kay.