Trollied (2011) s02e13 Episode Script

Valco! Serves you right.
I'm quite nervous.
You won't beat our prices.
Can she stop that now? If you can get it anywhere cheaper, I'll come and cook it myself.
Red hot deals.
We've got offers on everything from booze to biscuits.
Loads of 2-for-1s.
Service with a smile.
We have fresh produce.
Delivered daily.
Don't forget the Valco tick.
That way.
Am I getting paid for this? Valco I wasn't ready.
Weren't you ready? Valco, serves you right.
Valco, serves you right.
I still can't believe it.
Have we really almost had one million customers? Well in truth no.
It's er, only a million since the new till software but that's not really as catchy as the millionth customer.
Still it is an enormous occasion.
Look at us two stood under this.
Anyone passing would think we were getting married.
Ha, yes I see what you mean.
If anyone here knows of any good reason why these two should not be married, then speak now.
Can you imagine? Julie just, just stop me if you think I'm mad Yes? Well I was thinking, you know since it's the millionth customer, what if all staff said 'Thanks a million for shopping at Valco'.
Oh, Gavin Strong, where do you come up with this stuff? Actually it came to me in a dream last night.
Even when you're asleep you're still the best manager in the world.
Gavin Strong speaking.
Oh, would you believe it? I've only gone and tried to answer my personal phone instead of my work one.
Ha.
You couldn't make it up.
Stop it, you've got me going now.
It's Martin Snell of all people! Come on, Gavin Be serious.
I'll have to ring him back.
Oh-ho, what have you come as? I'm the Valco tick.
The Val You look like the Valco prick.
I'm just joking mate.
You look, you look great.
Oh thanks.
You do.
Morning Andy.
Oh, hey, how was the anniversary meal? Stinking hangover? Well, I did have a glass or two of champagne.
I hope I'm not over the limit.
You can't be drunk in charge of a deli.
So, how are you feeling? You must be very sad? Your last ever day at Valco.
Nah, first day of the rest of me life.
Really? Oh, doctors, eh? Ooh, they're very specific these days.
No, it's just a saying.
You alright, mate? Yeah, fine.
Have you, er, have you spoken to her? Everything all right Kieron? Yeah Why shouldn't it be? What have you heard? Nothing but, you know what they say, the first day of the rest of your life.
Not the right context, Margaret.
I didn't say anything, honest.
I still can't believe it's a trolley dash.
Yes, yes, I might have to make a few aisles off limits.
Don't want the millionth customer's photo in the paper with a trolley full of printer cartridges.
Erm, oh, by the way, are you be going to Andy's leaving drinks after work? Oh y-yes, I will.
Are you? Yes.
In fact, um, I was hoping you might like to come for dinner, um, beforehand? Dinner? Oh Gavin, I I don't know what to say.
Well, please say yes.
Yes.
A thousand times yes.
Great.
Well, um, that's a date then.
Thanks a million for shopping at Valco.
Ha, you're not really saying that crap are ya? I'm not.
Er, give us twenty L and B.
Oh, he's looking fit today.
How's things with you two? Finished.
He got jealous cos I kept shagging other blokes, so, I had to call it off.
Men, eh? They get jealous about the littlest things.
Mmm, I know.
I kinda miss him though.
He used to call me his bowling ball.
So, can I interrupt you there ladies? Yes, please.
Bit of an emergency, I need someone presentable to be the face of the store for the millionth customer.
How much do I get paid for it? Lisa? It's actually more of an honour, but I was hoping that Katie might What? Don't you think I'm pretty enough? Um clearly you're well you're very very So you would then? Cos that, that could be seen as sexual harassment.
Alright.
So, will you do it, Katie? Do I have to? It says here that 10,015 women in Britain had breast implants last year.
That's 20,030 individual breasts.
Please stop saying numbers.
999,963 oh, oh, five.
Which is 3,000 up on the 2008 figure of 8,500.
Oh wait There you go sir, enjoy.
You're welcome.
I'll be glad when I get out of this place and in to a proper butcher's shop.
I won't get customers like that at Starks Farm Foods.
You might.
Oh no, they're a better class of customer.
They're there for the meat and nothing else.
Not washing powder.
Not Ribena.
Just meat.
Have you got a bolt gun out the back or anything I can shoot myself with? What's the matter? Millionth customer.
Muggins here has to shake hands with whoever it is.
Picture in the paper and everything, it's not fair.
This is exactly the kind of thing that makes me glad I'm leaving.
I should be out there, shaking hands, getting in the local rag.
I'm the face of this place.
Maybe you should ask Gavin, what do you reckon Kieran? Yeah.
Are you alright? What? Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
Is everything alright at home? Sort of Actually you know what, I don't really want to talk about it.
Oh, right.
Sorry.
Anyway, hadn't you better go and practice your handshake? It's a pretty big job.
Ha, ha.
Funny Kieran.
Everyone knows I've got the best handshake here.
Everyone.
I think we might have found Leighton's special skill.
I don't know how he tells them apart, I had that one down as a photo finish.
Do I have to wear this sash? Katie you should be proud.
Of all the staff under this roof, Gavin thought that you were the most presentable.
Obviously excluding myself.
Right, now, Katie, let's just run you by your duties again, so millionth customer comes in.
Actually Julie, could you, could you be the millionth customer.
So and coming in, coming in, coming in And, now! Katie, hand then line! Congratulations madam, you are our millionth customer.
Why thank you, miss, I can't believe my luck.
Julie, what are you doing? It's role play.
I'm American.
Good point.
They could be American.
Now Katie, if they are, don't worry just come in with the line as prepared.
Now let's do it again.
And coming in, coming in, coming in And, now! Katie, hand then line! Congratulations, you are our millionth customer.
That's perfect.
Really great dress rehearsal, guys.
That really was as smooth as silk.
Oh, sorry come through.
What's this? Ah, just going on holiday, innit.
Oh, yeah.
Lemme guess, Blackpool? Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
Faliraki.
Yeah, me and my mate 'two dicks', getting off when m'shift finishes, flying out tonight.
You what!? We're not together any more.
Shag who I want.
Yeah but Faliraki? Johnnies? It's a bit continental.
Pulling out all the stops.
Alright Sharon, you coming to my leaving drinks tonight? Oh, is that tonight? Oh, I would've done but I've just remembered I don't actually like you.
I'll cancel the high chair then! Oh, you're still coming tonight aren't you? I don't have much choice, do I? Could all staff please make their way to the store entrance for Do I have to read this? Yes.
For that millionaire feeling.
Right, come on then.
You coming Margaret? Ooh, I wouldn't miss it for the world.
How are they going to get a million customers in here I've no idea though.
Oh, next one's the millionth.
Please don't go blind Leighton.
Please don't go blind.
After you One million! Congratulat Congratulations, you are our millionth customer.
"Congratulations" - Cliff Richard and the Shadows Congratulations, madam, yes, you are indeed Valco's one millionth customer and the winner of a Valco trolley dash! How do you feel? Yeah, fine.
Wonderful stuff, and what went through your mind when you walked under the arch? I thought I was being attacked, I nearly shat myself.
Apologies to all customers for the language there.
We are live so please do not swear.
Right, so let's get you down there.
Let's see those smiles in the aisles.
We're going to start in aisle eight.
Quite the showman, isn't he? Oh, yes I know.
When your minute's up, you'll hear this noise.
Can I go down the booze aisle? Er, no, as I explained the dash is restricted to this aisle, aisle three and 14 and the till-side of aisle nine.
So no booze aisle then? No.
Right, let's get this show on the road.
Katie, take it away! And she's gone straight to the noodle snackers.
And she's gone, er, right, oh, a whole case of the things.
Tell you what I'd go for if it were me? Tinned tuna.
Fill my trolley with the stuff.
Why? Doesn't go off for ages, and the price never goes down.
Obviously the ready made curry paste currying no favour here.
You're putting me off.
She's going for the crisps.
That's quite a lot of crisps for her.
And it's round her place for a crisp party.
No booze! Go on love! Oh! Gosh she's fast.
Like a greyhound.
Shut up! Where's she going next, oh it's breakfast time here.
Not liking her oats though.
Little glimpse into this lady's domestic life.
Oh, you'll miss all this when you're gone.
What am I gonna do, wait around for the two millionth customer? And passed the five a day.
Lucky to get five in a lifetime this one.
Better watch out Popeye, because she's going for the olive oil.
Qu-quite a lot of olive oil, actually.
Do you really need all that? Katie.
Bloody hell, Katie! That's it ladies and gentlemen.
Thank you, thank you.
No that's it.
That's alright they're two for the price of one.
That's that! Not one tin of tuna.
Idiot.
Well, what a whirlwind.
Well, let me just get my breath back and we'll get these through the till for you.
And there go the pasta sauces, ably scanned through by the lovely Julie.
Oh, Gavin.
Yummy Pops.
Sanitary tow More olive oil.
These are eight pounds each.
You do have rather a lot.
I'm gonna car boot them.
Thanks a million for shopping at Valco.
Valco, serves you right.
Mate, you can still stay, its not too late.
Stay? In a place where I'm not appreciated? The time I've given to this place.
Best years of my life given to this counter.
Can I get ten of the butcher's choice sausages, please? Butcher's choice? Are you crying? No.
I might just leave it for now.
You don't need to go, we want him to stay, don't we Margaret? Oh, not you as well? Oh, come here.
Come here.
I'll be alright, I'm a big boy.
I'm sorry, Andy.
Don't be sorry.
It's nice to feel appreciated.
'Scuse me.
Ta.
Great, thank you.
Well congratula Nice one.
Thanks a million for shopping at Va Gavin, can I have a word? What right now? It's important.
Er, lads, can you do, can you do this now? Listen, er, oh I don't know what we're going to do with these now.
You and Emma, you don't want a balloon arch do you? No, thanks.
Er, look, it's about Andy.
Can't you keep him on? Well I mean I haven't fired him, Kieran.
He's handed in his notice.
But he doesn't want to go.
He's backed himself in to a corner he feels like he's no choice.
You're sure he doesn't want to leave? He just cried over some sausages.
Well I hope you've taken them off the display? I mean I know there's no specific Not literally.
Oh right, yeah.
I'll see what I can do.
Oh, it's so embarrassing.
I bet you that photo of me'll end up all over campus in no time.
Look at that arse.
Shoved a finger up that once.
He went mental.
Lisa, you obviously really like him.
It doesn't matter any more.
He's off to Faliraki.
Flying out tonight.
Look, I would never normally say for anyone to go after Colin but you two are perfect for each other.
Believe me, you'll regret it if you don't say anything.
Cover my till.
Till closed.
Oh Andy, Gavin's just radioed down.
He wants to see you in his office.
Oh? Let me guess, leaving present.
I thought you didn't want anything? You said people could just buy you a drink tonight.
Ooh, it's probably a leaving stripper.
Gavin would have no interest in strippers, Andy.
He's a man in't he, surely he's got an eye for the ladies.
Yes I think he has.
Especially the "lovely" ones.
Well no-one likes dogs, do they? Oh, Andy.
I guess Julie was right.
No strippers here.
No.
Come in Andy, take a seat.
Now it's very embarrassing as a manager to admit you're wrong and make a u-turn but, is there any way you'd consider staying on here? You what? Oh, Gavin, it's way too late for that.
I've already agreed to go somewhere else.
Well, I'll be honest, um, I don't know how we'll cope without you.
You are the meat counter.
Well, that's true.
And Kieran, he's an able butcher Well, he's more than able.
I trained him myself, raised him like a pup.
But he's no Andy Richmond.
I've given my word to Starks Farm Foods.
I'm sorry.
I'll make you head butcher? Head butcher? Head butcher.
Officially.
In my contract and everything.
New name badge, the whole nine yards.
Head butcher.
Pay rise? No.
Good job I didn't get in to this game for the money then.
So you'll stay? Well, someone's got to hold Kieran's hand ain't they.
Like you said, he's a shithead.
You! Oh, Andy, I'm glad I've caught you.
Er Now listen I know we've not always got along but, er, I'll miss you when you've gone.
You're a good butcher and um, you know, you're a good bloke.
And, well me and the lads have made you that.
A pig cake? Yeah.
Well, its legs are sausage rolls.
And then you've got your meat loaf torso and your pink marzipan face.
I don't know what to say.
Thank you.
You do know I'm actually not leaving now? But still, a pig cake You're not leaving? Gimme back me cake.
I knew it was too good to be true.
Leighton, have you seen Colin? Yes.
Where? I need to talk to him.
Um, on his way out, a few minutes ago.
Oh, someone's in a good mood.
It's just one of those days where everything seems to be going right.
I've just managed to persuade Andy to stay with us and I've just received a call from Greg Lester at Head Office.
GL called you? Yeah, looks like we'll be getting rid of the No Nonsense range.
That's fantastic news, Gavin! Perhaps it'll be champagne with dinner later? Yeah, well, I'm not really one for bubbles.
You alright there, Lisa? Yeah.
Yeah.
So, are you going to tell me where we're eating then? Oh yes, now I've checked with Anna Anna? Oh blast.
Sorry, I wanted it to be a surprise.
Who's Anna? She's my new girlfriend.
I wanted you to meet her so I could ask your opinion.
I-I-I didn't realise you had a new girlfriend.
She's part of my cycling club.
You know the one that you urged me to join.
Isn't that amazing? It's all thanks to you! Yes.
Yeah, that's amazing.
I can't wait for you to meet her.
Get my old pal Julie's verdict.
I'm not calling you head butcher.
I'm your boss now, you have to do whatever I say.
Hey, do I have to call you boss now, Andy.
Can't hurt, Margaret.
You not going to miss being a "skilled butcher" at the new place? Ah, they wouldn't know skill at Starks Farm Foods if it ran them over.
Bunch of cowboys.
Ooh, have you told them, boss? Good point.
Kieran, take a memo.
I'm not taking a memo.
Head butcher, you have to.
Ooh, shall I get you a pen.
Hey.
Get off.
Come on.
Right, I've phoned ahead at the pub and made them reserve you a chair.
Now, how are you for fluids? I'm fine.
Well, if you need anything let me know and I'll take care of it.
He's gonna be lucky to have a godmother like you.
I'm just gonna put some lippy on.
I said he's gonna be lucky to have Oh, for God's sake.
This is a staff announcement, would Linda please accept the offer to be the godmother of my child, that's Linda to be the godmother of my child.
Really? Of course really.
Who else would it be you big lump? Stop crying, they're all looking at you.
Right, has anyone seen a pair of sunglasses? No? Right.
They're aviators.
I only nicked 'em yesterday! Where are they? What's going on? I've changed my mind.
I won't shag anyone else.
What's brought this on? Well, you have.
If that's what it takes to see your arse again then, then I'll do it.
I'll be a one man woman from now on.
D'you mean it? Yeah.
I think like, you know, really love you and shit.
And I love you an all.
Ah, saying that, I'm meant to be going to Faliraki aren't I? And it's fanny on tap out there so You can go if you want.
Nah sack it, I'm gonna stay here with my girlfriend innit.
Oh, get this out.
Get those out.
Get on here now.
Get on it.
Er, guys You coming for a drink? Oh, yeah, yeah, I'm just waiting for Kieran.
Is everything alright? Between you and me, he's left Emma so he's kipping at mine for now.
Andy told you the good news then? Good news? He's sticking around after all.
I knew he'd never go.
Oh, right, yeah.
He also told me that you're staying at his.
Oh.
Yeah, me and Emma had a big row so that's it.
Moved out.
Bloody hell, Kieran.
Yeah.
Looks like I've finally grown a pair, eh? Are you sure you're doing the right thing? Yeah, yeah.
I really am.
Well if there's anything I can do then? You can come to Andy's party with me, help me get drunk.
Deal.
Come on you sausage toucher.
Come on, Margaret, I can't be late for my own drinks.
I'll name him after ya.
Yeah.
I'll call him Linda.
Oh, pregnant lady coming through! Bloody hell.
Smell that.
It's like what? Night, Ian.