Two and a Half Men s02e13 Episode Script

Crap.
Oopsie.
Oh, Charlie! Okay, I guess I'll give you a call.
Alrighty, that'd be great.
Sounds good.
Looking forward to it.
Bye-bye now.
Swell.
Hey, Alan.
You know how to say: "Please go faster," in Polish? - Funny language, isn't it? - Yeah, hilarious.
The earthquake hit Sherman Oaks a lot harder than Malibu.
- What earthquake? - What earthquake? About an hour ago.
You didn't feel the house shaking? Unbelievable.
You actually thought that was you? No, I thought it was her, you know, because of me.
The good news is, unless they report it on Polish TV I still get the credit.
I'm thrilled for you.
Anyway, Judith called.
A pipe broke, soaked her living room carpet and she's completely freaking out.
Yeah, well, that's the difference between wife and ex-wife.
With ex-wife, you don't even have to pretend to care.
Well, I'm sorry.
I can't be that callous.
Have you even tried? She's the mother of my son.
I'm concerned about her welfare.
I told her she could stay here until repairs.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Back up.
Back up.
When you told her, did you have, like, a sarcastic chuckle in your voice? Like, you know, " Yeah, right, Judith, you can stay here.
" - It's just for a couple of days.
- A couple of days? Jack The Ripper just killed a couple of prostitutes.
It was still wrong.
- Do you want me to put her in a hotel? - Yeah, put her in a hotel.
Put her in a space capsule.
Put her in a catapult and see how far she flies.
Charlie, I can't do that to her.
Again, have you even tried? - She's afraid of another quake.
- Well, what about what I'm afraid of? - What are you afraid of? - Oh, let's see.
Large birds.
Small bugs.
Unplanned pregnancies.
And your ex-wife living in my house.
Come on, Charlie.
She's just a small, frightened woman.
There are no small, frightened women.
That's a myth.
Perpetrated by the large, angry women who secretly run the world.
I think it would be healthy for Jake to see his mother and father living together as friends.
Oh, Alan, grow up.
As long as he's got pizza with cheese and TV with 150 channels he doesn't give a rat's ass what you guys do.
Now that I think about it, neither do I.
That had better be a big, pregnant bird covered with spiders.
- I don't know how to thank you.
- I'm glad you're okay.
Charlie, I know this is a big imposition.
I really appreciate you inviting me.
I thought she should know this was your idea.
Actually, I had several other ideas.
Wanna hear them? Tell Jake you're here.
I'll take your bags.
Thank you, Alan.
Thank you both.
I promise I'll be out of here in a couple of days.
- Judith, sit down.
I've got it covered.
- No.
I can pitch in.
Where do you keep the salad tongs? Wait, I got them.
- Better use the wooden ones.
- What's wrong with these? I use those whenever I drop my watch in the toilet.
This is a regular occurrence? - You'd think I'd learn.
- And you keep them in the kitchen? I used to hang them in the bathroom, but it freaked some chicks out.
He's just kidding with you.
Use the wooden ones.
I don't want any salad.
- Well, you have to have some.
- Dad doesn't make me have salad.
Alan? He's exaggerating.
We have salad all the time.
I just don't eat it.
It's kind of our compromise.
Okay.
Fine.
Your house, your rules.
Technically, it's my house, his rules.
Of course.
Just have a little salad.
So I spoke with the plumbing company and they'll be there in the morning.
So I'll drop off Jake and meet them on my way to work.
- Thank you, Alan.
- You're welcome.
This is really weird.
Why? Your mom and I may not be living together anymore, but we're still friends.
I don't flip off my friends when I talk to them on the phone.
Nice shooting.
Two with one bullet.
Well, if either of us did, in fact, do that, it was wrong.
The important thing is we're making an effort to be nicer to each other.
That's right.
And your mom staying here is a good example of that.
Very nicely put, Alan.
If we leave now, we can be in Mexico in two hours.
Hey.
Hey.
- Where's Alan? - Don't know.
Mind if I join you? Sure.
Thanks again for your hospitality.
Don't mention it.
You know, the TV in your room works.
Oh, okay.
Good to know.
I just tucked Jake in.
He loves you very much.
Yeah.
I love him too.
You got cable, satellite, DVD.
The whole shebang.
Great.
I'm surprised you're home on a Saturday night.
What, with your fun bachelor lifestyle.
Well, I got laid this morning.
So I thought I'd kick back tonight.
Oh, my.
Well, isn't that something.
- Nice girl? - I guess.
She doesn't speak English.
Well, hey.
What are you guys doing? Just watching a little TV.
- What's on? - I don't know.
I just sat down.
Oh, we've seen this movie before.
- No, we didn't.
- Sure we have.
That guy's girlfriend turns out to be the murderer.
Really? I did not know that.
Oh, right.
And she's not really a girl.
I did not know that either.
- When did we see this? - The first movie after Jake was born.
Oh, right.
It was so hard to leave him with the sitter.
As soon as we got to the door, the sobbing started.
Yeah, well, it was hard for me.
You were such a softy.
Alcohol.
While you're up, you wanna make popcorn? - Sure.
- No butter for me.
Got it.
- Hey, Charlie.
- Hey, Rose.
Anybody here? Good.
Jeez.
- I'm sorry.
I thought you were asleep.
- That's all right.
Relax.
- You sure? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
It's fine.
- Where's Alan? - He took Jake to school then went to meet with the plumber.
- Right, right.
Okay, I'll leave you to it.
Charlie, wait.
This is your home.
Sit down.
Drink your coffee.
Okay.
Oh, and I'm white trash.
What are you, a farm animal? - What? - That's your brother's ex-wife out there.
I know who she is.
Oh, no, no.
She's just staying here because of the earthquake.
I'm not.
I would never.
I couldn't.
Okay, I could.
But I'm not.
Yeah.
That's what I used to stay about my stepbrother, Cousin Dewey.
How's it going? Used to having your mom here? Nope.
You? I'm still thinking Mexico.
I liked it better when they weren't talking.
Can't get away with much when they compare notes.
It's hell.
Jake, your mom wants to say goodbye.
- She's leaving? - Just for a little while.
- Where's she going? - Just out to dinner.
You know, with a friend.
I guess it's a date of some sort.
She's going on a date? Of some sort.
- And you're okay with this? - Oh, yeah.
We talked about it.
I think it's a sign of maturity that our relationship has evolved enough that we can be honest that we see other people.
Yeah, except the people you're seeing are in magazines and videos.
Hey, I told you to stay out of my room.
And that's not the point.
If I were dating she'd be just as supportive of me as I am of her.
We're no longer ex-husband and ex-wife.
We are friends getting on with our lives.
She's happy and I'm happy.
- Okay.
I'm leaving.
- Oh, have fun.
Wow, I'm impressed.
What happened to my jealous, tightly-wrapped, neurotic brother? Oh, there he is.
Well, well, well.
- Alan? - Oh, you remember me? What are you doing up so late? That's funny, I was about to ask you the same thing.
Don't tell me you were waiting up for me? This isn't about what I was doing, Judith.
No, no.
This is about what you were doing until now.
I told you I had a date.
You said you were fine with it.
In theory, I was.
In practice, I think we can both see I'm not.
What did you want me to do, sit here and do nothing? Why not? It was good enough for me.
You know what, you haven't changed at all.
You're still the same neurotic, overbearing, control freak I threw out.
Neurotic? Maybe.
Overbearing? Perhaps.
But you know what? You're not gonna throw me out, because I have changed.
Tonight, I'm leaving you.
As it turns out, a distinction without a difference.
Fine, Alan.
Suit yourself.
Where's Dad? - He's at our house.
- How come? Well, we decided we needed a little time apart.
Isn't that why you got a divorce? It's hard to explain, Jake.
- Do I get any presents this time? - No.
What happens now? You gonna live here? - No.
- Are you gonna buy a new house? No.
Wanna go to Mexico with me and Uncle Charlie? - Good morning.
- Good morning.
Where's Alan? - Well, it's a long story.
- You're not gonna believe it.
Hi.
I just stopped by to say I told you so.
I told you so.
Oh, come on, Alan.
If you can't laugh at yourself, at least let me do it.
What do you want, Charlie? Well first of all, I'd like to know exactly how you managed to let your ex-wife throw you out of my house.
Because that's the first thing people are gonna ask when I tell this story.
She didn't throw me out, I left.
Oh, good, there's a twist.
You see, that's what makes a good story.
- Leave me alone, Charlie.
- Oh, lighten up.
You tried to be friends with the woman who wrecked your life and failed.
No damage done.
Just a little personal humiliation and at this point in your life, how would you even notice that? - Are you finished? - Did I mention I told you so? - Twice.
- Counting this one? - Okay, I'm finished.
- Thank you.
Now, on to new business.
Currently, you and I are sitting in a house that belongs to neither one of us.
While your ex-wife is sitting in the house that belongs to me.
- You see the paradox? - I can't go back there, Charlie.
She's running around, having a great time, and I've got nothing.
- You've got me.
- Drop dead.
Okay, now you got nothing.
It would be different if Judith and I were both dating.
True, but moot.
- Unless - What unless? - It's stupid.
- Stupider than this? Come on.
What do you got? Well, what if you were dating? - But I'm not.
- But if you looked like you were? Oh, you mean? No, no way.
I'm not gonna let you fix me up with one of your bimbo girlfriends.
Okay, forget it.
She'd have to be really pretty.
Like a 10.
And young.
Like a 20.
- Anything else? - And smart.
And a sense of humor is important.
Well-read, good with kids non-smoking, of course.
Oh, and easy on the piercings.
Nothing south of the equator.
You're mighty picky for a guy with an adult newsstand in his sock drawer.
Okay.
Homework is taken care of.
He's taking a shower.
You may wanna check in on him, make sure he's not goofing around.
- Where are you going? - Oh, I have dinner plans.
- Really? - Yeah.
Hard to believe, huh? - I didn't say that, I'm happy for you.
- Well, thank you.
Again, I'm sorry I overreacted the other night.
I want us to have the kind of friendship that can be mutually supportive.
- Me too.
- You'll go out, I'll go out.
Right.
So is this someone you've been seeing for a while? Yeah, a while.
But, you know, not exclusive.
I don't wanna get tied down.
Oh, that must be Camille.
- She picks you up? - Well, what can I say? It's a new world, Judith.
Hey, wow.
You are so good for my ego.
- Hi, Charlie.
- Hi, Camille.
- Hello, I'm Judith.
- You're Alan's ex? Wow, I didn't expect you to be so young looking.
- Thank you.
- I mean, you have such beautiful skin for the mother of an 11 -year-old.
Oh, thank you.
Okay.
Well, we should get going.
It was nice meeting you.
I just hope I look half as good as her when I'm that old.
I'm betting you will.
Man, I don't know how he does it.
I made a big play for her, nothing.
- She's so young.
- Yeah, some guys like that.
I gotta hand it to you, Judith.
You were very mature.
I guess that's because you're a very mature woman.
Yeah, thanks.
Jake, say goodbye to Mommy! She's going home! - Good morning, everybody.
- Good morning.
Sounds like somebody cracked open the sock drawer last night.
I'm going to ignore that because I am in such a good mood.
Charlie, thank you.
Your ex-wife breaking the sound barrier on her way out was thanks enough.
I don't even care about that anymore.
That was the best date of my life.
I mean, Camille is smart and funny.
And, oh, boy, talk about pretty.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I bet she rocked your world in the sack, huh? What? No, no.
Get your mind out of the gutter.
We just talked all night and then there was a little kissing.
Maybe on our next date, who knows? But for now, I'm just gonna play it slow.
- You're playing it slow? - Yeah.
I don't know where you found Camille, but she's a bit old-fashioned.
She's not like the ones you usually go out with.
No, I guess not.
A thousand dollars a night and he's playing it slow.
You're a good brother, Charlie.
He's playing it slow.
She demanded cash.
He's playing it slow.