Ugly Betty s02e13 Episode Script
A Thousand Words by Friday
Previously on "ugly betty" I'm gonna enroll in a writing class.
That's great.
I'm gonna be a writer.
The "b.
" The "b" will lead you to a kiss.
The kiss will take you to your father.
You're my "b.
" Gene simmons is my father.
Motion to terminate wilhelmina slater.
All those in favor.
Aye.
If i can't marry into the meade family, I will give birth to an heir.
All gns indicate that you have a hostile womb.
We need to find a surrogate we can control.
We're almost done.
Have a look.
Surprise! Surprise! It's for your new salon.
Oh, hey, you guys are good together.
Yeah.
Really good.
Betty, thank you so much for letting me practice on you.
Now that hilda's beautilities is open, I can't risk making mistakes on any real customers.
Hilda, you don't make mistake- Oh.
What? You said you wanted princess-Y.
It's just maybe a little too regal for a nightclub.
I just wanted it to be a little different.
'S henry's band's first gig, and i want to look cute.
Aww, i love it.
You're a groupie.
Eyes.
I mean, technically, i'm not a groupie, Because henry's not in the band.
He's the manager- The glue that holds the band together.
Okay.
Enough.
Yeah, well, i think you ought to tell the glue That his band name is stupid.
I mean, the i.
R.
S.
? It's funny.
They're accountants.
The internal rhythm service.
Get it? No.
Eyes.
Aunt betty, another letter.
Oh, god, no.
I mean, interesting.
From "the new york review.
" I submitted that piece that i wrote about dad Playing dominoes with those old men.
Oh.
Well oh, well.
Don't feel that bad.
Look, this one has a real signature.
It even smudges.
Yeah, someone actually took the time to reject you.
Yeah, "the roosevelt weekly" - That was totally a form letter.
Yeah, And "women's knitting journal" called you "sir and/or madam.
" Okay.
Not helping.
Dinner is served! Maybe that'll help.
So do we feel pregnant yet? Keep those legs up.
We don't want anything falling out.
How long am i trapped herfor? Well, you know what the doctor said- Bed rest until we're absolutely sure The embryo is implanted.
Now i don't want you lifting beer kegs Or whatever it is you do in your spare time.
Just a few more weeks.
Weeks? What am i gonna do in here? Mi casa es su casa.
So, uh Read my books Or enjoy my goose down pillows.
Not this one.
Uh.
Christina, i I can't thank you enough for doing this.
You have no idea what this means to me.
Are you trying to hug me? I'm as surprised as you are.
Thank god that passed.
Whew.
Keep those legs up.
* shout, shout * * let it all out * * these are the things i can do without * * come on * henry, i - I don't think Th those voice lessons are really paying off.
* come on * yeah, i don't know what i'm gonna do.
This club owner says he won't give us any more gigs With clyde as singer.
Hey, henry, why don't you sing? I've heard you karaoke.
I don't know.
Karaoke's one thing.
These people want to hear someone good.
Well, at least the turnout's good.
Yeah, 29 people.
If we get up to 30, we get a cut of the door.
Oh! Oh.
Hey.
Yes.
30.
You get a free i.
R.
S.
Mouse pad.
Don't go anywhere.
Be right back.
Okay.
So is that the band? Uh-Huh.
It's noteally what your flyer suggested.
I guess i did sex it up a bit so people would actually come, But it's important.
Henry's trying to make some extra money for the baby.
Okay, well, can i give him Or stay and have a beer, yeah.
It is called the beer hole, so it's probably pretty good.
Oh, just so you know, there's a bar next door Called the bear hole, so you might have lost Some of your audience over there.
Oh, no.
Well, i should go check.
No, no.
Wait.
It's probably not a good idea Hey, hey, quick.
Come dance with me.
What? I want to make my boyfriend jealous.
Oh, um, well, which one is he? You'll find out soon enough.
Not that one with the tattoos over there, is it? That's him.
You can take him, though.
Oh, right.
Oh, look who likes to live dangerously.
You know, i have the strangest fling You guys are gonna be breaking up soon.
You sound confident.
I am.
Your boyfriend's making out with another dude.
Okay, you got me.
Why didn't you just ask me to dance? I don't know.
I guess i'm just shy.
Yeah.
I can tell.
* i'm talking to you * And one bananatini For amanda tanen- Sommers-Simmons.
Wow.
Really see the resemblance.
Ugh.
What am i gonna do, marc? I finally find out who my real father is, And he won't return my calls Or my e-Mails or my father's day cards.
Blah, blah, blah, tragedy.
You're so one-Note lately.
Wait.
That gives me an idea.
Gene simmons is a musician, right? So maybe you need to communicate with him in his own language.
Hebrew? No.
No.
The language of music.
You should write a song for him About him being your father.
He can't ignore that.
You know what? If he is my father, I probably do have songwriting in my genes.
Exactly.
So all you need to do is write a song, Practice singing it, record it, make a video of it, Post the video on youtube and then wait for him to see it.
Marc, it's so simple, it's brilliant.
Mm.
Oh, who says white guys can't dance? I'm renee.
I'm daniel.
Meade.
I know.
Oh.
Everybody knows.
Ah.
Ooh.
Your leg is vibrating, daniel meade.
Oh, i know.
Oh, sorry.
It's, uh, my phone.
Yeah.
Everything okay? Yeah, it's just a work thing.
Can you hold on a second? Oh, and stay right there? Don't invent any dangerous gay boyfriend For anyone else.
That's our thing, okay? * simply irresistible * Oh, oh, here he is.
Voil? Oh, thank you.
Could i talk to you for a second? Oh.
Do you still have that list of freelancers On your blackberry? The writer for the phil roth interview just dropped out.
What? I didn't know "mode" was doing a piece on him.
I love him.
You do? Okay, uh, daniel, hear me out.
Do you remember when you accidentally made two dates With two different women at the same restaurant oh, my god.
And-And i had to fake the seizure so you could run Out the back door with the prettier one? What was the last thing you said to me? "Betty, i owe you.
" Come on.
This is a huge article.
The maître d' shoved a chopstick in my mouth So i wouldn't swallow my tongue.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
A thousand words by friday.
Oh, my god.
Are you serious? You're gonna let me do this.
I have faith in you.
Oh, my god, daniel.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you! Besides, who else are we gonna get on such short notice, right? I'm just gonna pretend you stopped At "i have faith in you.
" Henry! Let me turn on a light.
No, no, no, keep 'em off.
It's more fun in the dark.
La that's not the boob you think it is.
Mom! Okay, that's like $100,000 worth of therapy right there.
I didn't know she was here.
What are you doing here? I had to get out of the house.
It was too many memories.
In the unlikely event that whatever this is Lasts for 40 years, you'll understand.
I'm claire.
Renee.
Don't let me get in your way, renee.
I'll just go sleep on the couch.
Do whatever you like.
In prison, i learned i can sleep through anything.
I She's going through a really hard time now- Don't even worry about it.
A man that takes care of his mom Knows how to treat a woman.
We'll do this again.
Hey, betty.
Hi, gio.
So did you hear? Phil roth is in the house.
Oh, you know who philip roth is? Author of "portnoy's complaint," "goodbye, columbus"- "American pastoral," yeah.
Not everyone who makes sandwiches is a lunk.
Hmm.
But the guy in your conference room Is not philip roth, it is phil roth.
What? Who's phil roth? He writes books on how to pick up chicks.
Ugh.
Oh, my god.
Daniel said phil roth, but i just thought He was doing his annoying casual thing- Bobby de niro, marty scorsese.
I don't want to interview a guy Who writes books like that.
Hey.
You get to write an article, okay? Now go in there with an open mind.
He's actually got a lot to say.
Mr.
Roth? Hello.
I'm betty suarez.
Um, i'm here to interview you about your new book.
"Tap that!- How to score with hot bitches.
" -==Ææàãðüàöô°çãçé·îï×==- ±¾×ö份ö¹©ñ§ï°½»á÷£¬ñï½ûóãóúéìòµóãí¾ Æ¬ãû µú2¼¾µú13¼¯ ·ò룺¸öèëid ð£ ô£º¸öèëid ê±¼äö᣺¸öèëid You titled youbook "tap that!" "How to score with hot"- Yep, i see it.
It's right there.
But for the sake of this interview, Why don't we call it something nicer, Like, uh, "goodbye, columbus So, mr.
Roth, what made you decide to write "Goodbye, columbus"? Men want to get laid, betty, and i want to help them.
Okay.
Okay, so, uh, you're a giver.
Yes, i am.
My technique is simple- Approach, subdue, score.
Easy way to remember it- Ass.
Okay.
Ass.
That's clever.
I think i smell a pulitzer.
Oh.
Uh, let's discuss this technique of yours.
Most men think that complimenting a woman Is the way to land her.
Wrong.
My method starts with an e.
K.
Esteem killer.
Esteem ller.
The easiest way to bag a woman is to insult her.
Mr.
Roth do you actually believe That women fall for that? Betty, are you gonna be long? Because calls keep coming in for daniel, And i'm finding it really hard to concentrate On my personal issues.
Wow.
That is so great that you're not worried What that doughnut's gonna do to your hips.
What did you just say to m Now after the e.
K.
Comes the ignoring.
Wait, so do you think i'm fat? A woman can't stand it when a guy ignores her.
Um, pretty girl talking here.
Hello.
Rock their confidence, and the power is all yours.
Who are you? What's your name? Why don't you li Usually it doesn't work that quick.
Um okay.
Uh, great.
You know what, mr.
Roth? I think i have everything i need.
So thank you very much, mr.
Roth.
Here, let-Let me just, uh "To betty, big love, phil.
" Thanks.
Come on, amanda.
No, i think i love him.
Mom, i can't tonight.
I already have dinner plans.
That's just terrific.
And your sister has her transgender support group.
What am i supposed to do? You can do anything you'd like.
You know, why don't you start reconnecting with people? Call some of your old friends up.
Well, i would, except it seems That prison, murder and temporary insanity Are a turnoff to the country club set.
Okay, uh, maybe i can change my plans.
Oh, don't bother.
I'll just spend the night cleaning your apartment Again.
Oh, by the way, I see you still keep your magazines under the mattress, Just like when you were 14.
Come on, mom.
I told you to stay out of my stuff.
And don't go in my top dresser drawer.
Ooh.
No, no.
Forget i said that.
Mom, he-Hello? She still snooping? Yeah, i have got to get her out of my place.
She's just so lonely these days.
Can you look into some of those classes Or senior cruises or something? All right.
No problem.
Oh, and, daniel.
Yeah.
Here you go A thousand words.
You finished your article already.
Wow.
You are eager.
Oh, and, um, this actually is an article About hilda starting her own business.
It's very woman positive, And i think our readers will respond.
Where is my phil roth story? That was the assignment.
Daniel, i'm sorry.
I thought that i was doing an interview with philip roth, And you were just calling him "phil.
" But i don't know philip roth.
But you don't know robert de niro, And you call him "bobby.
" What? Look, this phil roth guy, He turned out to be a disgusting pig.
Do you really want to give A guy like that face time in your magazine? Betty, he writes articles about picking up women.
Our readers are women.
Don't you think they want to know what men are thinking? Well, not when it's a bunch of misogynist garbage.
Did you even read the book? No.
I reread "goodbye, columbus," But, daniel, i don't have to read the book.
Just look at the cover.
It is a picture of a woman being served on a platter.
You are literally judging a book by its cover.
She has an apple in her mouth.
Look, daniel, i just I can't write objectively About a guy i can't even be in the same room with.
Okay.
You're off the assignment.
Thank you.
Actually i didn't want to say it, But, uh, phil called and asked for a different writer.
I had fought for you, but i can get someone else.
What? He asked for another writer? Yeah.
He just felt you were a little, you know, closed-Minded.
Don't worry about it.
Something else will come along that's a little more you.
Closed-Minded? Why, because i'm skeptical of his ridiculous book? Yeah, and i'm gonna need that list of freelancers, too.
No.
No.
I am just as open-Minded as the next person.
You know what? I want to do this interview.
I'll even read his stupid book.
You know why? Because i am open-Minded.
Yep.
Nice place.
Shut up and kiss me.
So when you said you wanted dinner Mm-Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
I actually wanted dinner.
And then i saw that fine ass of yours, And i was like, "who the hell needs chicken?" Not me.
Mm.
I hate chicken.
Get in here.
I see you met my sister.
Now wait a minute.
Your sister? How could you neglect to mention That wilhelmina slater is your sister? Didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Anyone who's read a paper Or watched tv in, like, the last two years Knows her history with my family.
Look, baby, i'm sorry.
I didn't plan any of this.
I saw you, and i liked you, and i just thought That telling you i was wilhelmina's sister Would scare you off.
Well, it did.
Good-Bye, renee.
Leaving so soon? The shower's free.
By the way, daniel, i underestimated you.
What the hell were you thinking? That you'd react this way.
You don't date daniel meade.
I did you a favor.
You showed up here with no place to stay, And i took you in, and this is how you repay me? Calm down, wilhelmina.
Or should i say wanda? Well, you listen to me, renee, or should i say rhonda? I got a lot going on right now with this baby.
And i don't need any of the meades knowing my business.
Stay away from him.
If it weren't For the crow's-Feet and frown lines, I'd think you were still the teenage sister Trying to boss me around.
I'll date whoever i want.
Calcium for the little one.
Wanda.
She's wilhelmina's sister? That was a totally fake gasp.
I know.
Christina already told me, but i'm still shocked.
Daniel, you can't date h no, i know.
Wilhelmina tried to destroy you And your family and your magazine.
I'm not arguing with you, It just sucks because i really I really-I liked renee.
Oh.
Sorry, dorkstick.
I was here first.
Um, clearly, i was here first, Because my flyer is underneath yours.
Which is where it will stay.
Look, this is important.
I need to find a new lead singer for my band.
Well, mine's more important because i need to find a band To record my song.
Yeah, well, they're not gonna allow us to perform If i don't have a new lead singer.
And i won't be able to meet my father If i don't find a band.
Wait, you need a band? Yes.
Do you know where i can find one? Oh, my god.
I need to call these people right away.
Hello, amanda.
"Tap that!"? It's about tap dancing.
Ooh! Could i read it after you? No.
And always remember, tapping is demeaning to women.
Okay.
Ugh.
Okay, that's your fourth groan.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
Just listen to this.
"Once you've learned the art of the 'nova,' You can make a woman succumb to your will"? Nova? I haven't gotten to that.
What is that? It means pick up, like casanova Or the cheap cars Where these guys try and get lucky.
"I was a complete chump, clueless to the ways of women, But all that changed with my first crit.
" Crit? Where's that? Chapter seven.
It means criticism.
This loser actually thinks that insulting a woman Will turn the tables And make her want to win you over.
Genius.
What? Heinous.
This might work on amanda, But i doubt it actually works on real people.
Well, you should go out, see it in action.
Come on.
This could be a big opportunity, And then you can write about it, 'Cause if it works, you learn something, If it doesn't, you can call him on it in your article.
That's a great idea.
All i need is some guy who could actually pull this crap off.
Ah! I'll call gio.
Wh-Gio? Why him? Because he loves this idiot.
He's read everything he's ever written.
Don't bother gio.
I can help you with this.
Oh, honey This isn't you.
Gio is a total dog.
He's perfect.
Mm.
I think i'm gonna nova that blondie over there.
Gio, don't you think She's a little out of your league? League? I'm a guy.
The universe is my league.
Ugh.
Now watch this.
Oh.
Well, i hope you're happy.
In the seconds i wasted talking to you, Some other guy got tre.
Hmm.
Henry, what are you doing here? Helping you.
Statistically speaking, two test subjects Increases your chances of valiting this mating theory.
You should open with that.
Chicks love it.
Hey, i can "tap that!" Better than you.
Are you serious? Serious as a nova.
Okay, guys, no.
This is my research, not a contest.
Whoever gets the most phone numbers wins.
Are you serious? Game on, sandwich boy.
What? Hold on.
Henry, you have a girlfriend.
Not tonight, i don't.
I- I mean just for the purposes of this research.
Okay.
Research.
Oh, um, hello.
I, um Okay.
Um all right.
Hello.
All right.
Catch you later.
You have a beautiful face.
Your doctor did an amazing job.
What? No, you did not just say that.
Cute outfit.
You know, some people may call it slutty, But i think it really works on you.
Are you talking to me? That is not your real nose.
No, it is.
It totally is.
Eww.
No.
Slutty would be if it went up to here.
I don't know.
I'm not convinced yet.
Yeah.
Here you go.
You know, i love that you have a brain.
It's so nice to meet a girl who doesn't buy into The whole skinny thing.
Not all girls have to be pretty.
I am really impressed that you're not intimidated By all the you women here.
Man, you've got some big feet.
All right.
I'm gonna write it down.
You better not lose it.
Here you go.
Hey! Thank you.
Here you go.
Hey, what are you still doing here? I'm just working late.
Who is she? You only work late When there's a woman to hide from.
It's mom.
Alexis, you gotta help me.
Please takher for a while.
No.
She's been staying with me since she was acquitted.
She even came to my transgender support group.
Everyone kept staring at her, asking who her doctor is.
Well, what are we gonna do? We gotta get mom a life.
We're not gonna babysit her for the next 30 years.
Well, i do eat a lot of cheese.
Maybe you'll only be stuck with me for We're just concerned about you, mom.
It sounded like it.
I'm so sorry if my trying to rebuild my life Is putting a crimp in your social calendar.
A year ago, i had a husband, friends and a life.
Now, nothing.
Come on.
You still have us.
Apparently not.
Look, let's make this easy.
You know how the eskimos get rid of their elders? They just put them on an ice floe And give them a little whoosh.
Now if you'll excuse me.
You should probably go talk to her.
You should go talk to her.
Come on, you're the daughter.
What is that supposed to mean? Rock, paper, scissors.
Ah! Why do i always do rock? So i called you three times, And now i'm stopping by the office.
Some may say desperate.
I'm hoping you think cute.
This isn't, uh, a good time.
I don't know if you know this, But my sister's not the nicest person.
And i knew that hooking up with you Would get under her skin.
So you used me.
At first, but then i got to know you better, And it became less about wilhelmina And more about you.
Renee It's just a little too weird.
Come on.
I promise the next time i use you, It'll just be for sex.
I'm i'm sorry.
It's probably better If we just forget this ever happened.
Oh.
Four, five, six.
Final tally- Gio-Six, Henry-Seven.
You win.
Yay, henry.
Oh, yeah.
Seven numbers.
Who's the man? Usually not the guy who says, "who's the man?" Oh, and look, suzie made her zeroes into little boobs.
She's a keeper.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? I'm throwing them away.
Gio this was research, not for real.
Forget research.
I earned these.
I told that girl over there That i'm going to iraq next week.
Gotta strike now.
Classy.
Wellwhat'd you think? I was pretty good out there, huh? Ooh, congratulations, henry.
You managed to set back the feminist movement 50 years.
Hey, it wasn't me.
It's that bo.
You're just mad because it worked.
I'm upset about lot of things, henry.
Let's just go.
I just can't believe this phil roth guy was right.
These poor women, They're being played and they don't even know it.
Ay, please, betty.
They know exactly what they're doing.
They just don't want the guys to know it.
That way they have all the power.
It's not a bad book.
You read it? I thumbed through it.
Papi has it now.
Ugh.
And the world is over.
Betty, guys need stuff like that book.
It gives them the confidence to talk to girls.
Otherwise they'd just be staring at our boobs.
And now they insult them.
At least they're talking.
So you're actually saying that this is a positive thing.
I'm just saying be a little open-Minded.
Oh, no.
You gotta get that.
Daniel.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I've just been driving around for hours, And i don't really know where to go right now.
Um, clearly.
You are in jackson heights at night, alone, In a car that cost more than this house.
Daniel, i'mtempted to jump you.
What? You think gorgeous just happens? I'm just so confused, betty.
So is this about renee? Look, i-I know she's wilhelmina's sister, And this is wrong in so many ways, But i can't stop thinking about her.
Well, then maybe you should go for it.
What? Maybe i was wrong about what i said earlier.
I mean, look at hilda.
We are nothing alike.
And you and alexis? Who's to say renee is anything like wilhelmina? If you really like her, then give it a chance.
Who knows what it could turn into? Don't touch the yogurt, christina.
I don't eat breakfast, but i have it there So i know what i'm depriving myself of.
Good morning.
Sorry, i already agu the yort.
You can lick the spoon if you'd like.
What the hell are you doing here? Mm.
Your sister.
That's right.
We're back together.
We did it on your couch, too, and your table.
Oh, and one more place that i'm not gonna tell you about.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You think it's too early To start planning family vacations? You're a fool, daniel.
You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
But i promise you, you'll regret it.
Ah, i just feel like i've heard that before.
This is too hard.
Okay, okay.
Maybe we need to approach this differently.
If gene simmons were here right now, What would you say to him from your heart? No.
I can only hope That one day i'll have an illegitimate daughter Who'll sing me a song that's that beautiful.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, i know.
Hey, have you talked to mom? I've been calling her.
No, i tried her a couple of times, too.
She hasn't called me back.
Oh, great.
Now she's off sulking somewhere.
Maybe we did kind of blow it.
I mean, she's always been there for us.
That's true.
Think of all the nights we were sick.
She'd stay up all night taking care of us.
Yeah.
Wait, that wasn't mom.
That was the nanny.
Well, still, it's nice she hired such a caring nanny.
I've got news for you.
She wasn't that caring.
She used to tie you to each other And go to the movies.
I thought that was a game.
Mom, why didn't you return our calls? Because i've been too busy At that stupid knitting class you signed me up for.
Here.
It was going to be a scarf Until i realized how much i hated knitting.
But the good news- I figured out what i'm going to do with the rest of my life.
What? There were all these women in this class, And they were just like me.
Their children were done with them, and they were bored.
So i got to thinking, we're not dead yet.
There's got to be more out there than knitting and bingo.
So i'm going to start a magazine.
A magazine? It's for women of a certain age Who aren't ready for that ice floe.
I'm going call it "Hot flash.
" Mom I- I think it's great that you're trying to keep busy, But starting up a magazine isn't that simple.
Oh, darling, do you think i was married to your father For all those years without learning A thing or two about this business? I'm going to need an assistant, a full-Time production staff, A suite of offices- The seventh floor will be fine.
Mom- And i'm going to need some start-Up capital.
Let's see how long $2 million lasts me.
Maybe we should have dinner first And just talk about this.
I'd love to, kids, but i don't have time.
Toodles.
"Hot flash.
" "Hot flash.
" Oh, i'd tap that.
Hello, mr.
Roth.
Thank you for Meeting with me again.
I've seen your book in action, And as hard as this is for me to admit, It actually works on some girls.
That is really cool of you to admit that.
You know, smart girls usually don't get it.
Right.
Well, you can rest assured That the article will be totally unbiased, And you should also know that your concerns Were completely unwarranted.
What c-Concerns? You know, the ones you expressed to daniel About me not being open-Minded enough To write this article.
I don't know what you're talking about 'Cause i-I never s- I never said that.
What? Mnh-Mnh.
No, daniel said that you- Maybe you're not so smart after all.
Sounds like somebody got played.
Good morning, daniel.
I got you a treat.
Cinnamon twist! I love cinnamon twists.
Well, you're not getting it.
Do we always have to play these games When you're mad at me? Oh, you're one to talk about games.
Let's see, you told me that phil roth said I was closed-Minded, but he never said that.
Okay, yes, you're right.
Can i please have the cinnamon twist? No.
Is that it? That's all? You're not even gonna try to deny it? Look, i said it because i couldn't think of anything else To get you to write the article.
What? Betty, you were quitting because you were uncomfortable.
Now if you want to be a real writer, You can't always write about your neighborhood And your family and-And kittens.
Well, what's wrong with writing about that? That's what i know.
And who doesn't like kittens? There's nothing wrong with writing about what you know.
I'm just saying you should try to know more, Step outside your comfort zone.
And you did.
Betty, your article- It's good.
Really? You liked it? Yeah.
I'm getting published? Actually, uh, you're not getting published.
Why? Alexis pulled the story.
I guess when she was a guy she loved phil roth, And as a woman, she thinks he's kind of a pig.
Oh! You're kidding me, right? I'm sorry.
But you did do a fantastic job.
And i promise, There's gonna be other assignments, Better ones.
All right.
This totally sucks.
But, daniel, thank you For having faith in me.
Thank you.
Why are you doing long division? It calms me.
Mm.
Do not be nervous About the band tonight.
There is no way that amanda Could possibly be worse than clyde.
I can ask hilda to come with.
Oh, and i can call gio.
He'll bring one of those girls he met at the bar.
Oh, you know, i'm good.
I put up a lot of posters in the village.
Yeah, but if he brings someone, then that's 20 extra bucks.
Henry, are you serious? Lo, you cannot be so competitive with him.
I have to be.
Why? Because, betty, he's always around, And i trust you completely.
I just don't trust him.
So what, you think he's gonna walk over And knock me on the head with a club And drag me back to his cave? I do have some say in it.
It's just hard.
Look, do you remember how you felt at the bar Watching me hit on all those women? That's how i feel every time i see gio around you.
Well i hate that you feel that way.
I'm sorry.
I hate it, too.
Look, i- I don't want anything To get in the way Of the little time that we have left together.
I just won't see him anymore.
Now i feel stupid.
I know how much you love his chicken salad.
Yeah, but i love you more.
You will learn how to make chicken salad, though, Won't you? Okay, remember, look into the camera, Avoid your bad angles, and i did everything i could, But this lighting is not your friend.
Marc, i'm really nervous.
Hey.
You have nothing to be nervous about.
Except for your voice, you're a great singer.
Ready? Yeah.
Hello, beer hole.
Are you ready to rock and/or roll? Okay, go.
This one goes out to you, daddy.
It's mandy, bitch.
* late one night * * back in '81 * * at studio 54 * * gene simmons * * and his tweety bird tattoo * * was out lookin' score * Excuse me, ma'am.
You're in my way.
Do you mind? She's singing about me.
No.
She's singing about gene simmons.
* ooh, ooh * * breathing fire * * spitting blood * * making sweet love * * to my mom fey soers * * breathing fire * * spitting blood! * * making sweet love * * to my mom fey sommers * * that's why * * gene simmons is my daddy * * the demon gene is in my genes * * because he got in my mama's jeans * * that's why gene simmons * * is my daddy * * yeah! * Yeah! Daddy? Daughter? Amanda.
Amanda.
I can'believe you came.
How did you know we were doing this? Oh, i google myself every morning.
Me, too.
You know, the detail of that song, it was spot-On.
You can't forget a night like that, Or a woman like fey.
Man, cher was so pissed off.
So it's true.
You're my father.
Oh, my god.
I found you.
I'll tell you what, Let's get outta here.
Maybe we'll catch up? I know we both have some questions.
Come on.
Where is amanda going with gene simmons? Who's gonna sing? Henry! You! Are you kidding? On stage, alone? Well, what, are you afraid? Yes.
Yes, i am afraid.
I'm terrified.
Well, then all the more reason for you to do it.
It'll be good for you.
There is only one way that i'm doing this.
* it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * Hit it! * i wanna rock right now * * i'm rob base and i came to get down * * i'm not internationally known * * but i'm known to rock a microphone * * a microphone * * because i get stupid, i mean outrageous * * stay away from me if you're contagious * * 'cause i'm the winner, no, i'm not a loser * * to be an m.
C.
Is what i choose-A * * ladies love me, girls adore me * * i mean even the ones who never saw me like * * the way that i rhyme at a show * * the reason why * * man, i don't know * * so let's go 'cause * * it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * * it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * Oh, don't wait up.
I'm having drinks with daniel.
You know, if you really want to make it work with daniel, It's gonna require a bit of honesty.
I certainly hope he never discovers The truth about you.
That's great.
I'm gonna be a writer.
The "b.
" The "b" will lead you to a kiss.
The kiss will take you to your father.
You're my "b.
" Gene simmons is my father.
Motion to terminate wilhelmina slater.
All those in favor.
Aye.
If i can't marry into the meade family, I will give birth to an heir.
All gns indicate that you have a hostile womb.
We need to find a surrogate we can control.
We're almost done.
Have a look.
Surprise! Surprise! It's for your new salon.
Oh, hey, you guys are good together.
Yeah.
Really good.
Betty, thank you so much for letting me practice on you.
Now that hilda's beautilities is open, I can't risk making mistakes on any real customers.
Hilda, you don't make mistake- Oh.
What? You said you wanted princess-Y.
It's just maybe a little too regal for a nightclub.
I just wanted it to be a little different.
'S henry's band's first gig, and i want to look cute.
Aww, i love it.
You're a groupie.
Eyes.
I mean, technically, i'm not a groupie, Because henry's not in the band.
He's the manager- The glue that holds the band together.
Okay.
Enough.
Yeah, well, i think you ought to tell the glue That his band name is stupid.
I mean, the i.
R.
S.
? It's funny.
They're accountants.
The internal rhythm service.
Get it? No.
Eyes.
Aunt betty, another letter.
Oh, god, no.
I mean, interesting.
From "the new york review.
" I submitted that piece that i wrote about dad Playing dominoes with those old men.
Oh.
Well oh, well.
Don't feel that bad.
Look, this one has a real signature.
It even smudges.
Yeah, someone actually took the time to reject you.
Yeah, "the roosevelt weekly" - That was totally a form letter.
Yeah, And "women's knitting journal" called you "sir and/or madam.
" Okay.
Not helping.
Dinner is served! Maybe that'll help.
So do we feel pregnant yet? Keep those legs up.
We don't want anything falling out.
How long am i trapped herfor? Well, you know what the doctor said- Bed rest until we're absolutely sure The embryo is implanted.
Now i don't want you lifting beer kegs Or whatever it is you do in your spare time.
Just a few more weeks.
Weeks? What am i gonna do in here? Mi casa es su casa.
So, uh Read my books Or enjoy my goose down pillows.
Not this one.
Uh.
Christina, i I can't thank you enough for doing this.
You have no idea what this means to me.
Are you trying to hug me? I'm as surprised as you are.
Thank god that passed.
Whew.
Keep those legs up.
* shout, shout * * let it all out * * these are the things i can do without * * come on * henry, i - I don't think Th those voice lessons are really paying off.
* come on * yeah, i don't know what i'm gonna do.
This club owner says he won't give us any more gigs With clyde as singer.
Hey, henry, why don't you sing? I've heard you karaoke.
I don't know.
Karaoke's one thing.
These people want to hear someone good.
Well, at least the turnout's good.
Yeah, 29 people.
If we get up to 30, we get a cut of the door.
Oh! Oh.
Hey.
Yes.
30.
You get a free i.
R.
S.
Mouse pad.
Don't go anywhere.
Be right back.
Okay.
So is that the band? Uh-Huh.
It's noteally what your flyer suggested.
I guess i did sex it up a bit so people would actually come, But it's important.
Henry's trying to make some extra money for the baby.
Okay, well, can i give him Or stay and have a beer, yeah.
It is called the beer hole, so it's probably pretty good.
Oh, just so you know, there's a bar next door Called the bear hole, so you might have lost Some of your audience over there.
Oh, no.
Well, i should go check.
No, no.
Wait.
It's probably not a good idea Hey, hey, quick.
Come dance with me.
What? I want to make my boyfriend jealous.
Oh, um, well, which one is he? You'll find out soon enough.
Not that one with the tattoos over there, is it? That's him.
You can take him, though.
Oh, right.
Oh, look who likes to live dangerously.
You know, i have the strangest fling You guys are gonna be breaking up soon.
You sound confident.
I am.
Your boyfriend's making out with another dude.
Okay, you got me.
Why didn't you just ask me to dance? I don't know.
I guess i'm just shy.
Yeah.
I can tell.
* i'm talking to you * And one bananatini For amanda tanen- Sommers-Simmons.
Wow.
Really see the resemblance.
Ugh.
What am i gonna do, marc? I finally find out who my real father is, And he won't return my calls Or my e-Mails or my father's day cards.
Blah, blah, blah, tragedy.
You're so one-Note lately.
Wait.
That gives me an idea.
Gene simmons is a musician, right? So maybe you need to communicate with him in his own language.
Hebrew? No.
No.
The language of music.
You should write a song for him About him being your father.
He can't ignore that.
You know what? If he is my father, I probably do have songwriting in my genes.
Exactly.
So all you need to do is write a song, Practice singing it, record it, make a video of it, Post the video on youtube and then wait for him to see it.
Marc, it's so simple, it's brilliant.
Mm.
Oh, who says white guys can't dance? I'm renee.
I'm daniel.
Meade.
I know.
Oh.
Everybody knows.
Ah.
Ooh.
Your leg is vibrating, daniel meade.
Oh, i know.
Oh, sorry.
It's, uh, my phone.
Yeah.
Everything okay? Yeah, it's just a work thing.
Can you hold on a second? Oh, and stay right there? Don't invent any dangerous gay boyfriend For anyone else.
That's our thing, okay? * simply irresistible * Oh, oh, here he is.
Voil? Oh, thank you.
Could i talk to you for a second? Oh.
Do you still have that list of freelancers On your blackberry? The writer for the phil roth interview just dropped out.
What? I didn't know "mode" was doing a piece on him.
I love him.
You do? Okay, uh, daniel, hear me out.
Do you remember when you accidentally made two dates With two different women at the same restaurant oh, my god.
And-And i had to fake the seizure so you could run Out the back door with the prettier one? What was the last thing you said to me? "Betty, i owe you.
" Come on.
This is a huge article.
The maître d' shoved a chopstick in my mouth So i wouldn't swallow my tongue.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
A thousand words by friday.
Oh, my god.
Are you serious? You're gonna let me do this.
I have faith in you.
Oh, my god, daniel.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you! Besides, who else are we gonna get on such short notice, right? I'm just gonna pretend you stopped At "i have faith in you.
" Henry! Let me turn on a light.
No, no, no, keep 'em off.
It's more fun in the dark.
La that's not the boob you think it is.
Mom! Okay, that's like $100,000 worth of therapy right there.
I didn't know she was here.
What are you doing here? I had to get out of the house.
It was too many memories.
In the unlikely event that whatever this is Lasts for 40 years, you'll understand.
I'm claire.
Renee.
Don't let me get in your way, renee.
I'll just go sleep on the couch.
Do whatever you like.
In prison, i learned i can sleep through anything.
I She's going through a really hard time now- Don't even worry about it.
A man that takes care of his mom Knows how to treat a woman.
We'll do this again.
Hey, betty.
Hi, gio.
So did you hear? Phil roth is in the house.
Oh, you know who philip roth is? Author of "portnoy's complaint," "goodbye, columbus"- "American pastoral," yeah.
Not everyone who makes sandwiches is a lunk.
Hmm.
But the guy in your conference room Is not philip roth, it is phil roth.
What? Who's phil roth? He writes books on how to pick up chicks.
Ugh.
Oh, my god.
Daniel said phil roth, but i just thought He was doing his annoying casual thing- Bobby de niro, marty scorsese.
I don't want to interview a guy Who writes books like that.
Hey.
You get to write an article, okay? Now go in there with an open mind.
He's actually got a lot to say.
Mr.
Roth? Hello.
I'm betty suarez.
Um, i'm here to interview you about your new book.
"Tap that!- How to score with hot bitches.
" -==Ææàãðüàöô°çãçé·îï×==- ±¾×ö份ö¹©ñ§ï°½»á÷£¬ñï½ûóãóúéìòµóãí¾ Æ¬ãû µú2¼¾µú13¼¯ ·ò룺¸öèëid ð£ ô£º¸öèëid ê±¼äö᣺¸öèëid You titled youbook "tap that!" "How to score with hot"- Yep, i see it.
It's right there.
But for the sake of this interview, Why don't we call it something nicer, Like, uh, "goodbye, columbus So, mr.
Roth, what made you decide to write "Goodbye, columbus"? Men want to get laid, betty, and i want to help them.
Okay.
Okay, so, uh, you're a giver.
Yes, i am.
My technique is simple- Approach, subdue, score.
Easy way to remember it- Ass.
Okay.
Ass.
That's clever.
I think i smell a pulitzer.
Oh.
Uh, let's discuss this technique of yours.
Most men think that complimenting a woman Is the way to land her.
Wrong.
My method starts with an e.
K.
Esteem killer.
Esteem ller.
The easiest way to bag a woman is to insult her.
Mr.
Roth do you actually believe That women fall for that? Betty, are you gonna be long? Because calls keep coming in for daniel, And i'm finding it really hard to concentrate On my personal issues.
Wow.
That is so great that you're not worried What that doughnut's gonna do to your hips.
What did you just say to m Now after the e.
K.
Comes the ignoring.
Wait, so do you think i'm fat? A woman can't stand it when a guy ignores her.
Um, pretty girl talking here.
Hello.
Rock their confidence, and the power is all yours.
Who are you? What's your name? Why don't you li Usually it doesn't work that quick.
Um okay.
Uh, great.
You know what, mr.
Roth? I think i have everything i need.
So thank you very much, mr.
Roth.
Here, let-Let me just, uh "To betty, big love, phil.
" Thanks.
Come on, amanda.
No, i think i love him.
Mom, i can't tonight.
I already have dinner plans.
That's just terrific.
And your sister has her transgender support group.
What am i supposed to do? You can do anything you'd like.
You know, why don't you start reconnecting with people? Call some of your old friends up.
Well, i would, except it seems That prison, murder and temporary insanity Are a turnoff to the country club set.
Okay, uh, maybe i can change my plans.
Oh, don't bother.
I'll just spend the night cleaning your apartment Again.
Oh, by the way, I see you still keep your magazines under the mattress, Just like when you were 14.
Come on, mom.
I told you to stay out of my stuff.
And don't go in my top dresser drawer.
Ooh.
No, no.
Forget i said that.
Mom, he-Hello? She still snooping? Yeah, i have got to get her out of my place.
She's just so lonely these days.
Can you look into some of those classes Or senior cruises or something? All right.
No problem.
Oh, and, daniel.
Yeah.
Here you go A thousand words.
You finished your article already.
Wow.
You are eager.
Oh, and, um, this actually is an article About hilda starting her own business.
It's very woman positive, And i think our readers will respond.
Where is my phil roth story? That was the assignment.
Daniel, i'm sorry.
I thought that i was doing an interview with philip roth, And you were just calling him "phil.
" But i don't know philip roth.
But you don't know robert de niro, And you call him "bobby.
" What? Look, this phil roth guy, He turned out to be a disgusting pig.
Do you really want to give A guy like that face time in your magazine? Betty, he writes articles about picking up women.
Our readers are women.
Don't you think they want to know what men are thinking? Well, not when it's a bunch of misogynist garbage.
Did you even read the book? No.
I reread "goodbye, columbus," But, daniel, i don't have to read the book.
Just look at the cover.
It is a picture of a woman being served on a platter.
You are literally judging a book by its cover.
She has an apple in her mouth.
Look, daniel, i just I can't write objectively About a guy i can't even be in the same room with.
Okay.
You're off the assignment.
Thank you.
Actually i didn't want to say it, But, uh, phil called and asked for a different writer.
I had fought for you, but i can get someone else.
What? He asked for another writer? Yeah.
He just felt you were a little, you know, closed-Minded.
Don't worry about it.
Something else will come along that's a little more you.
Closed-Minded? Why, because i'm skeptical of his ridiculous book? Yeah, and i'm gonna need that list of freelancers, too.
No.
No.
I am just as open-Minded as the next person.
You know what? I want to do this interview.
I'll even read his stupid book.
You know why? Because i am open-Minded.
Yep.
Nice place.
Shut up and kiss me.
So when you said you wanted dinner Mm-Hmm.
Oh, yeah.
I actually wanted dinner.
And then i saw that fine ass of yours, And i was like, "who the hell needs chicken?" Not me.
Mm.
I hate chicken.
Get in here.
I see you met my sister.
Now wait a minute.
Your sister? How could you neglect to mention That wilhelmina slater is your sister? Didn't think it was that big of a deal.
Anyone who's read a paper Or watched tv in, like, the last two years Knows her history with my family.
Look, baby, i'm sorry.
I didn't plan any of this.
I saw you, and i liked you, and i just thought That telling you i was wilhelmina's sister Would scare you off.
Well, it did.
Good-Bye, renee.
Leaving so soon? The shower's free.
By the way, daniel, i underestimated you.
What the hell were you thinking? That you'd react this way.
You don't date daniel meade.
I did you a favor.
You showed up here with no place to stay, And i took you in, and this is how you repay me? Calm down, wilhelmina.
Or should i say wanda? Well, you listen to me, renee, or should i say rhonda? I got a lot going on right now with this baby.
And i don't need any of the meades knowing my business.
Stay away from him.
If it weren't For the crow's-Feet and frown lines, I'd think you were still the teenage sister Trying to boss me around.
I'll date whoever i want.
Calcium for the little one.
Wanda.
She's wilhelmina's sister? That was a totally fake gasp.
I know.
Christina already told me, but i'm still shocked.
Daniel, you can't date h no, i know.
Wilhelmina tried to destroy you And your family and your magazine.
I'm not arguing with you, It just sucks because i really I really-I liked renee.
Oh.
Sorry, dorkstick.
I was here first.
Um, clearly, i was here first, Because my flyer is underneath yours.
Which is where it will stay.
Look, this is important.
I need to find a new lead singer for my band.
Well, mine's more important because i need to find a band To record my song.
Yeah, well, they're not gonna allow us to perform If i don't have a new lead singer.
And i won't be able to meet my father If i don't find a band.
Wait, you need a band? Yes.
Do you know where i can find one? Oh, my god.
I need to call these people right away.
Hello, amanda.
"Tap that!"? It's about tap dancing.
Ooh! Could i read it after you? No.
And always remember, tapping is demeaning to women.
Okay.
Ugh.
Okay, that's your fourth groan.
I'm sorry.
I can't help it.
Just listen to this.
"Once you've learned the art of the 'nova,' You can make a woman succumb to your will"? Nova? I haven't gotten to that.
What is that? It means pick up, like casanova Or the cheap cars Where these guys try and get lucky.
"I was a complete chump, clueless to the ways of women, But all that changed with my first crit.
" Crit? Where's that? Chapter seven.
It means criticism.
This loser actually thinks that insulting a woman Will turn the tables And make her want to win you over.
Genius.
What? Heinous.
This might work on amanda, But i doubt it actually works on real people.
Well, you should go out, see it in action.
Come on.
This could be a big opportunity, And then you can write about it, 'Cause if it works, you learn something, If it doesn't, you can call him on it in your article.
That's a great idea.
All i need is some guy who could actually pull this crap off.
Ah! I'll call gio.
Wh-Gio? Why him? Because he loves this idiot.
He's read everything he's ever written.
Don't bother gio.
I can help you with this.
Oh, honey This isn't you.
Gio is a total dog.
He's perfect.
Mm.
I think i'm gonna nova that blondie over there.
Gio, don't you think She's a little out of your league? League? I'm a guy.
The universe is my league.
Ugh.
Now watch this.
Oh.
Well, i hope you're happy.
In the seconds i wasted talking to you, Some other guy got tre.
Hmm.
Henry, what are you doing here? Helping you.
Statistically speaking, two test subjects Increases your chances of valiting this mating theory.
You should open with that.
Chicks love it.
Hey, i can "tap that!" Better than you.
Are you serious? Serious as a nova.
Okay, guys, no.
This is my research, not a contest.
Whoever gets the most phone numbers wins.
Are you serious? Game on, sandwich boy.
What? Hold on.
Henry, you have a girlfriend.
Not tonight, i don't.
I- I mean just for the purposes of this research.
Okay.
Research.
Oh, um, hello.
I, um Okay.
Um all right.
Hello.
All right.
Catch you later.
You have a beautiful face.
Your doctor did an amazing job.
What? No, you did not just say that.
Cute outfit.
You know, some people may call it slutty, But i think it really works on you.
Are you talking to me? That is not your real nose.
No, it is.
It totally is.
Eww.
No.
Slutty would be if it went up to here.
I don't know.
I'm not convinced yet.
Yeah.
Here you go.
You know, i love that you have a brain.
It's so nice to meet a girl who doesn't buy into The whole skinny thing.
Not all girls have to be pretty.
I am really impressed that you're not intimidated By all the you women here.
Man, you've got some big feet.
All right.
I'm gonna write it down.
You better not lose it.
Here you go.
Hey! Thank you.
Here you go.
Hey, what are you still doing here? I'm just working late.
Who is she? You only work late When there's a woman to hide from.
It's mom.
Alexis, you gotta help me.
Please takher for a while.
No.
She's been staying with me since she was acquitted.
She even came to my transgender support group.
Everyone kept staring at her, asking who her doctor is.
Well, what are we gonna do? We gotta get mom a life.
We're not gonna babysit her for the next 30 years.
Well, i do eat a lot of cheese.
Maybe you'll only be stuck with me for We're just concerned about you, mom.
It sounded like it.
I'm so sorry if my trying to rebuild my life Is putting a crimp in your social calendar.
A year ago, i had a husband, friends and a life.
Now, nothing.
Come on.
You still have us.
Apparently not.
Look, let's make this easy.
You know how the eskimos get rid of their elders? They just put them on an ice floe And give them a little whoosh.
Now if you'll excuse me.
You should probably go talk to her.
You should go talk to her.
Come on, you're the daughter.
What is that supposed to mean? Rock, paper, scissors.
Ah! Why do i always do rock? So i called you three times, And now i'm stopping by the office.
Some may say desperate.
I'm hoping you think cute.
This isn't, uh, a good time.
I don't know if you know this, But my sister's not the nicest person.
And i knew that hooking up with you Would get under her skin.
So you used me.
At first, but then i got to know you better, And it became less about wilhelmina And more about you.
Renee It's just a little too weird.
Come on.
I promise the next time i use you, It'll just be for sex.
I'm i'm sorry.
It's probably better If we just forget this ever happened.
Oh.
Four, five, six.
Final tally- Gio-Six, Henry-Seven.
You win.
Yay, henry.
Oh, yeah.
Seven numbers.
Who's the man? Usually not the guy who says, "who's the man?" Oh, and look, suzie made her zeroes into little boobs.
She's a keeper.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? I'm throwing them away.
Gio this was research, not for real.
Forget research.
I earned these.
I told that girl over there That i'm going to iraq next week.
Gotta strike now.
Classy.
Wellwhat'd you think? I was pretty good out there, huh? Ooh, congratulations, henry.
You managed to set back the feminist movement 50 years.
Hey, it wasn't me.
It's that bo.
You're just mad because it worked.
I'm upset about lot of things, henry.
Let's just go.
I just can't believe this phil roth guy was right.
These poor women, They're being played and they don't even know it.
Ay, please, betty.
They know exactly what they're doing.
They just don't want the guys to know it.
That way they have all the power.
It's not a bad book.
You read it? I thumbed through it.
Papi has it now.
Ugh.
And the world is over.
Betty, guys need stuff like that book.
It gives them the confidence to talk to girls.
Otherwise they'd just be staring at our boobs.
And now they insult them.
At least they're talking.
So you're actually saying that this is a positive thing.
I'm just saying be a little open-Minded.
Oh, no.
You gotta get that.
Daniel.
I'm sorry to bother you.
I've just been driving around for hours, And i don't really know where to go right now.
Um, clearly.
You are in jackson heights at night, alone, In a car that cost more than this house.
Daniel, i'mtempted to jump you.
What? You think gorgeous just happens? I'm just so confused, betty.
So is this about renee? Look, i-I know she's wilhelmina's sister, And this is wrong in so many ways, But i can't stop thinking about her.
Well, then maybe you should go for it.
What? Maybe i was wrong about what i said earlier.
I mean, look at hilda.
We are nothing alike.
And you and alexis? Who's to say renee is anything like wilhelmina? If you really like her, then give it a chance.
Who knows what it could turn into? Don't touch the yogurt, christina.
I don't eat breakfast, but i have it there So i know what i'm depriving myself of.
Good morning.
Sorry, i already agu the yort.
You can lick the spoon if you'd like.
What the hell are you doing here? Mm.
Your sister.
That's right.
We're back together.
We did it on your couch, too, and your table.
Oh, and one more place that i'm not gonna tell you about.
You're really enjoying this, aren't you? You think it's too early To start planning family vacations? You're a fool, daniel.
You have no idea what you're getting yourself into.
But i promise you, you'll regret it.
Ah, i just feel like i've heard that before.
This is too hard.
Okay, okay.
Maybe we need to approach this differently.
If gene simmons were here right now, What would you say to him from your heart? No.
I can only hope That one day i'll have an illegitimate daughter Who'll sing me a song that's that beautiful.
Oh, sweetie.
Oh, i know.
Hey, have you talked to mom? I've been calling her.
No, i tried her a couple of times, too.
She hasn't called me back.
Oh, great.
Now she's off sulking somewhere.
Maybe we did kind of blow it.
I mean, she's always been there for us.
That's true.
Think of all the nights we were sick.
She'd stay up all night taking care of us.
Yeah.
Wait, that wasn't mom.
That was the nanny.
Well, still, it's nice she hired such a caring nanny.
I've got news for you.
She wasn't that caring.
She used to tie you to each other And go to the movies.
I thought that was a game.
Mom, why didn't you return our calls? Because i've been too busy At that stupid knitting class you signed me up for.
Here.
It was going to be a scarf Until i realized how much i hated knitting.
But the good news- I figured out what i'm going to do with the rest of my life.
What? There were all these women in this class, And they were just like me.
Their children were done with them, and they were bored.
So i got to thinking, we're not dead yet.
There's got to be more out there than knitting and bingo.
So i'm going to start a magazine.
A magazine? It's for women of a certain age Who aren't ready for that ice floe.
I'm going call it "Hot flash.
" Mom I- I think it's great that you're trying to keep busy, But starting up a magazine isn't that simple.
Oh, darling, do you think i was married to your father For all those years without learning A thing or two about this business? I'm going to need an assistant, a full-Time production staff, A suite of offices- The seventh floor will be fine.
Mom- And i'm going to need some start-Up capital.
Let's see how long $2 million lasts me.
Maybe we should have dinner first And just talk about this.
I'd love to, kids, but i don't have time.
Toodles.
"Hot flash.
" "Hot flash.
" Oh, i'd tap that.
Hello, mr.
Roth.
Thank you for Meeting with me again.
I've seen your book in action, And as hard as this is for me to admit, It actually works on some girls.
That is really cool of you to admit that.
You know, smart girls usually don't get it.
Right.
Well, you can rest assured That the article will be totally unbiased, And you should also know that your concerns Were completely unwarranted.
What c-Concerns? You know, the ones you expressed to daniel About me not being open-Minded enough To write this article.
I don't know what you're talking about 'Cause i-I never s- I never said that.
What? Mnh-Mnh.
No, daniel said that you- Maybe you're not so smart after all.
Sounds like somebody got played.
Good morning, daniel.
I got you a treat.
Cinnamon twist! I love cinnamon twists.
Well, you're not getting it.
Do we always have to play these games When you're mad at me? Oh, you're one to talk about games.
Let's see, you told me that phil roth said I was closed-Minded, but he never said that.
Okay, yes, you're right.
Can i please have the cinnamon twist? No.
Is that it? That's all? You're not even gonna try to deny it? Look, i said it because i couldn't think of anything else To get you to write the article.
What? Betty, you were quitting because you were uncomfortable.
Now if you want to be a real writer, You can't always write about your neighborhood And your family and-And kittens.
Well, what's wrong with writing about that? That's what i know.
And who doesn't like kittens? There's nothing wrong with writing about what you know.
I'm just saying you should try to know more, Step outside your comfort zone.
And you did.
Betty, your article- It's good.
Really? You liked it? Yeah.
I'm getting published? Actually, uh, you're not getting published.
Why? Alexis pulled the story.
I guess when she was a guy she loved phil roth, And as a woman, she thinks he's kind of a pig.
Oh! You're kidding me, right? I'm sorry.
But you did do a fantastic job.
And i promise, There's gonna be other assignments, Better ones.
All right.
This totally sucks.
But, daniel, thank you For having faith in me.
Thank you.
Why are you doing long division? It calms me.
Mm.
Do not be nervous About the band tonight.
There is no way that amanda Could possibly be worse than clyde.
I can ask hilda to come with.
Oh, and i can call gio.
He'll bring one of those girls he met at the bar.
Oh, you know, i'm good.
I put up a lot of posters in the village.
Yeah, but if he brings someone, then that's 20 extra bucks.
Henry, are you serious? Lo, you cannot be so competitive with him.
I have to be.
Why? Because, betty, he's always around, And i trust you completely.
I just don't trust him.
So what, you think he's gonna walk over And knock me on the head with a club And drag me back to his cave? I do have some say in it.
It's just hard.
Look, do you remember how you felt at the bar Watching me hit on all those women? That's how i feel every time i see gio around you.
Well i hate that you feel that way.
I'm sorry.
I hate it, too.
Look, i- I don't want anything To get in the way Of the little time that we have left together.
I just won't see him anymore.
Now i feel stupid.
I know how much you love his chicken salad.
Yeah, but i love you more.
You will learn how to make chicken salad, though, Won't you? Okay, remember, look into the camera, Avoid your bad angles, and i did everything i could, But this lighting is not your friend.
Marc, i'm really nervous.
Hey.
You have nothing to be nervous about.
Except for your voice, you're a great singer.
Ready? Yeah.
Hello, beer hole.
Are you ready to rock and/or roll? Okay, go.
This one goes out to you, daddy.
It's mandy, bitch.
* late one night * * back in '81 * * at studio 54 * * gene simmons * * and his tweety bird tattoo * * was out lookin' score * Excuse me, ma'am.
You're in my way.
Do you mind? She's singing about me.
No.
She's singing about gene simmons.
* ooh, ooh * * breathing fire * * spitting blood * * making sweet love * * to my mom fey soers * * breathing fire * * spitting blood! * * making sweet love * * to my mom fey sommers * * that's why * * gene simmons is my daddy * * the demon gene is in my genes * * because he got in my mama's jeans * * that's why gene simmons * * is my daddy * * yeah! * Yeah! Daddy? Daughter? Amanda.
Amanda.
I can'believe you came.
How did you know we were doing this? Oh, i google myself every morning.
Me, too.
You know, the detail of that song, it was spot-On.
You can't forget a night like that, Or a woman like fey.
Man, cher was so pissed off.
So it's true.
You're my father.
Oh, my god.
I found you.
I'll tell you what, Let's get outta here.
Maybe we'll catch up? I know we both have some questions.
Come on.
Where is amanda going with gene simmons? Who's gonna sing? Henry! You! Are you kidding? On stage, alone? Well, what, are you afraid? Yes.
Yes, i am afraid.
I'm terrified.
Well, then all the more reason for you to do it.
It'll be good for you.
There is only one way that i'm doing this.
* it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * Hit it! * i wanna rock right now * * i'm rob base and i came to get down * * i'm not internationally known * * but i'm known to rock a microphone * * a microphone * * because i get stupid, i mean outrageous * * stay away from me if you're contagious * * 'cause i'm the winner, no, i'm not a loser * * to be an m.
C.
Is what i choose-A * * ladies love me, girls adore me * * i mean even the ones who never saw me like * * the way that i rhyme at a show * * the reason why * * man, i don't know * * so let's go 'cause * * it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * * it takes two to make a thing go right * * it takes two to make it outta sight * Oh, don't wait up.
I'm having drinks with daniel.
You know, if you really want to make it work with daniel, It's gonna require a bit of honesty.
I certainly hope he never discovers The truth about you.