United States of Al (2021) s02e13 Episode Script

We're about to have dinner.
Don't ruin your appetite.
It's called pre-gaming.
Who wants to go to heaven? Eventually or now? I'm doing a fundraiser for Afghanistan.
It is a spin-a-thon.
We ride stationary bikes, and the longer we go, the more money we raise.
Oh, cool.
How'd you get hooked up with that? Ariana invited me.
Oh.
Is this going to be a bicycle built for two? Don't be dirty, Lizzie.
You're better than that.
So you think you still got a shot with her? This is purely about the people in need.
If I ride the most miles and raise the most money, and Ariana thinks I'm a hero, that can't be helped.
Can I do it, too? Absolutely.
And if you find yourself admiring my endurance loud enough that she can hear you, that also can't be helped.
Are you sure you can do it? I've never even seen you ride a bike before.
So? I've never seen you brush your teeth.
I do, all the time.
And of course I can ride a bike, Hazel.
I learned when I was six.
Yeah? I learned when I was three.
- [SPUTTERS.]
No, you didn't.
- Ask Freddy.
He taught me.
Freddy taught you how to ride a bike? Yeah.
Dude, you okay? [HIGH-PITCHED VOICE.]
: What? Yeah, I'm fine.
Bring it down an octave and try again.
Wow.
That's a lot of gear.
There a zombie uprising no one told me about? I'm taking Hazel hunting.
Oh, fun.
I loved doing all that stuff with you and Liz.
Wanted to pack in all the memories before you two grew up and moved away.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah, what a dope.
I can't stand thinking about all the stuff I missed with Hazel when I was deployed.
Is this because Freddy taught her how to ride a bike? - Where'd you hear about that? - Your sister's a blabbermouth.
Well, I'm fixing it now.
Hazel and I are coming home with a truck full of cold deer and warm memories.
- Hey, Dad.
- There she is.
- Hey, Dugans.
- Hey, Freddy.
What's all this? I'm taking Hazel bow-hunting.
No way! That's the first I'm hearing about it.
- Sorry.
Do I need your permission? - No.
Good.
But do I have your permission? - Yes.
- Yes.
- Have fun, Hazel.
- Thanks, Mom.
Go hit the head.
We got a long drive.
Yes, sir.
Just be safe, okay? - Oh, I always am.
- Yeah, right.
Do remember when you took me fishing with dynamite? Nobody got hurt, except all the fish.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
You murdered fish with explosives? Oh, calm down, Freddy.
It just stuns 'em.
Makes it easier to scoop 'em up and then murder 'em.
[BOTH LAUGH.]
Stop.
What's the matter? She is so beautiful, I need a moment.
You are a hopeless romantic.
Hopeful.
The word is "hopeful.
" - Hey.
- Hey.
You made it! You invite and I don't come? Impossible.
- You remember Lizzie? - Of course.
I really appreciate you being here.
Oh, it's a great cause.
And nice to know I'm still cute enough to get money from strangers.
What an impressive number of pledges.
Almost as many as me.
Well, you're still cute enough to get money from strangers, too.
Hmm.
[CHUCKLES.]
She called you cute.
I am cute.
- Ari?! - Dirk?! Thank you so much for doing this.
Ah, anything for you.
Hey, Al and Lizzie, meet Dirk, my spin teacher.
What's to teach? It's just pedaling.
I'm also a personal trainer.
If you ever want a one-on-one, you give me a call.
You have a great frame.
I could get you shredded or jacked.
We can go either way.
Thank you, but I am fine jacking my own frame.
Hey, boyfriend.
Come on in, girlfriend.
Hear that? I don't hear anything.
- I got the house to myself.
- So? So, I got the house to myself.
I don't think this has happened in years.
Well, what are we doing standing around talking? Should we go to your room? Well, we'll get there.
Right now, we got a fire in the fireplace, Al Green on the turntable, and that chair fully reclines.
Well, then, shall I say, let's get it on? That's Marvin Gaye, but I'll-I'll let it slide.
[LAUGHING.]
Dad, Dad, what's that over there? [WHISPERING.]
: I think it's a rock.
- I'm gonna shoot it.
- No.
Don't.
Why? You have to know what it is.
You just said it was a rock.
Just be patient.
Think about those delicious Bambi burgers we're gonna be eating for the next six months.
Maybe let's not name the animals.
[LAUGHS.]
You know, this one time, Grampy and I were sitting in a tree like this.
He let out a giant fart.
Turns out there were, like, 20 deer right below us, and they ran off like it was the end of the world.
Grampy told me that story, but he said youfarted.
The point is, it was a good day.
What's the best day you've ever had? Oh, that's easy.
The day you were born.
- You got to say that.
- It's true.
And it's gonna stay true until the Browns win the Super Bowl.
Keep waiting.
[RUSTLING IN BRUSH.]
Is that a rabbit? Yes, it is.
Bugs Bunny at three o'clock.
Dad, we talked about naming them.
Good.
Find your anchor points.
Hover the pin.
Let that shot surprise you.
It's okay.
Whenever you're ready.
There's no rush.
I mean, we do have a clean shot.
That's the first animal we've seen in four hours.
- I can't.
- No, sure you can.
Take a deep breath, and aim for that heart.
- But he's so cute.
- Uh, I I know, baby, but this is food.
Everyone who eats meat ought to know where it comes from.
Okay, I will if I have to.
Well, you don't have to do anything.
But if you're gonna be a Marine, you might have to shoot something.
- Not animals.
- Yeah, animals.
You got to catch and kill a rabbit in survival training.
- What? Why? - For food.
Their eyeballs are packed with nutrients.
Like giant vitamins that pop in your mouth.
Well, can't I just take real vitamins? They sell 'em everywhere.
- So, Dirk? - Yeah.
How long have you known Ariana? A while.
Oh, only a while.
Huh.
So, you haven't met the family? I have now.
You're her brother, right? [LAUGHS.]
No, no.
Actually, we were a kind of a thing.
Huh, she's never mentioned you.
Well, she's never mentioned you, either.
Ariana Jaan, I saved you a bike.
You don't mind, do you? Thank you, sir.
Okay, bye.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
All right, everybody, clip in and let's go.
[UPBEAT INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC PLAYS.]
[WHISPERS LOUDLY.]
: Help me.
There's a thing on the bottom of your shoe that you snap into.
- Got it.
- Thank you so much for helping me, Al.
Oh, Lizzie, I am all about the helping.
That was fantastic.
It was.
You ready to go again? - You kidding? - Yeah, of course, I'm kidding.
You could turn around the USS Nimitz faster than I could go again.
[LAUGHS.]
Ah.
What do we do now? Up to you.
I already got what I wanted.
Well, I can make us a snack.
Which is best followed by a nap.
You're invited to both.
What do you do for fun when the kids aren't around? I just told you Nap and eat.
Come on.
Well, there is something.
It's kind of my thing.
Well, maybe it could be our thing.
Well, technically, it's illegal, but I do it for the good of the city.
Are you Batman? Batman? Kind of.
[GIGGLES.]
I'm really sorry.
It's no big deal.
I let you down.
No.
No, this is on me.
We started too cute.
We should've gone down to the water and shot some ducks.
I don't want to shoot a duck.
Okay.
It'll be faster if you just tell me what you do want to shoot.
I don't want to shoot anything! - That's okay.
- No, it's not.
How am I gonna be a Marine? You're young.
You'll feel different when you're older.
What if I can't eat a rabbit's eyeball? It's not bad.
It's like a little grape full of blood.
I told everyone I know I'm gonna be a Marine.
I'm gonna let down you and Grampy and my country.
And the Constitution.
So maybe you'll do something else.
Like what? I haven't been paying attention in school since we did shapes.
Ask me the capital of anywhere, I have no idea! Keep it up! Breathe it! Breathe it! This is great.
It's nice to be on a bicycle without being distracted by beautiful scenery or the cool wind in your face.
[LAUGHS.]
[WHIMPERING.]
Are you crying? I have a leg cramp.
It hurts so bad! Okay, ten minute break.
Oh already? Ah.
Oh, man.
I am so tight.
Ah, let me help you with that.
Thanks.
Ooh, you must be a Boy Scout, because you have so many knots.
[LAUGHS.]
Where is the joke? Tell me where the joke is.
What are we trying to find? Wrongs that need righting.
Fine.
Don't tell me.
Promise you won't laugh? No.
Graffiti.
I paint over graffiti.
Really? Yeah, it's a serious problem.
I mean, when someone gets robbed, there's one victim.
With graffiti the whole community suffers.
It really burns my biscuits.
When did this start? Ah, it's a long story.
Tell me.
Well, my wife was a realtor.
She studied hard, got her license.
It was a proud day when she got her first bus bench.
And a week later I can't even tell ya what they did to her picture.
Cops said, "Let it go," but I couldn't.
That's surprisingly sexy.
Not now, Lois, we got a job to do.
You know, I didn't even want to be a Marine when I was your age.
I was gonna be a stuntman.
I was really good at jumping off roofs.
Once I jumped off the gym and landed on the principal.
Broke her collarbone.
Stop trying to make me feel better.
Sorry.
I just wanted us to do something cool together.
Don't worry about it.
I'm gonna teach you how to drive a car.
Now we're talking! Great work everybody! Let's hear it! [WHOOPS.]
I thought everyone was gonna do it.
Keep going! Keep going! You, maybe stop.
You don't look so hot.
- What? - No shame.
Let's give this guy a round of applause.
No, no don't applaud.
You can applaud at the end when I win.
Awalmir, this isn't a contest.
You did great.
And I am not done.
I love this little guy.
He's got so much heart.
We are literally the same size.
Let's crank it up! Oh, now we're screaming? Okay, hands at ten and two.
Keep your eyes on the road.
Easy on the brake.
Easy on the gas.
Wow.
Impressive.
I guess all those years of Mario Kart really paid off.
And Grand Theft Auto.
Okay, now turn the wheel sort of back and forth.
- Why? - Fun.
- [WHOOPS, LAUGHING.]
- [LAUGHING.]
This is great! You'll never forget the day your dad taught you how to drive.
[SIREN CHIRPING.]
[SIREN WAILING.]
Should I speed up? [SIREN WAILS, CHIRPS.]
Son of a gun.
This is what I get for taking a weekend off.
What's "Fishstick?" It's a who.
Okay, who's Fishstick? My nemesis.
Been scrawling his dumb name all over town.
So, what, you drive around at night, painting over it? Somebody's got to.
Do they? Okay, here's the deal.
The city works with three garbage contractors.
Each one uses a different color green on their dumpsters.
You got your fern, your forest and your light fern, but don't worry.
I got all three.
Wasn't worried.
Well, you should be.
If you don't match the color, you're no better than Fishstick.
Okay, let me do the talking.
What seems to be the problem, Officer? License and registration.
I have a library card.
Okay, what's going on here? I'm just teaching her to drive.
It's a long story We had a bad day hunting.
So you just thought you'd kill something out here? Look, man, can you cut me a break? It's not like we're on the road.
How old is she? How old do you think I am? That's not how this works.
Sir, you're coming with me to the station.
So should I follow you guys or what? [PANTING.]
I know I have legs 'cause I can see them.
But I cannot feel them.
ARIANA: Guys I hate to say it - Please say it.
- What? - I'm out.
- I'm out, too! Dude! What are you doing? Go get some face time with Ariana.
I can't.
Why? You know why.
You're looking tired, man.
I was born tired.
So just to be clear, the woman you're interested in is over there by herself, and you're here being an idiot? It's called the long game.
Unless I die.
Huh? [EXHALES.]
You know, I have this theory that, uh, Fishstick is actually two people working together.
It would explain how he, uh, tagged the stop sign on 5th and the wall behind Dress Mart on the same night.
I don't know if it's the exhilaration of doing something illegal or breathing in all these fumes, but I feel alive.
That's how it starts.
Next thing you know, you're painting a water tower in the middle of January.
"A water tower"? Where Fishstick goes, I go.
- Want to hear something crazy? - What? This is kind of turning me on.
Well, let's head home.
I think the Nimitzis ready for a port call.
Let's go.
I was gonna save Uh, all right.
- Who bailed me out? - Your wife.
Any chance you could lock me back up? Where's Hazel? - Car.
- Oh, no.
- I have the keys.
- Cool, okay.
You mad? Actually I'm more sorry.
About what? Freddy teaching Hazel how to ride a bike.
Does my sister tell you everything that goes on in that house? Pretty much.
Look, you got to understand.
Hazel wanted to learn and I was so busy and Freddy offered I didn't even think about it until she came back so excited.
And then it hit me.
That's a memory you don't get.
I'm sorry.
Thank you.
Come on, um, - let's go get your truck.
- Yeah.
Oh, and, uh Hazel says she's a vegetarian now.
Yeah, that one's my fault.
[CHUCKLES.]
We're gonna get something to eat.
You guys want to come? I'll quit when he quits.
I don't know the word "quit.
" Why don't you get off your bike and go look it up? All right, that's enough.
On the count of three, you both stop.
One, two three! Okay, bye.
Al, I'm taking the car.
Fine, I'll walk home.
I have nothing but energy.