Betty White's Off Their Rockers (2012) s02e14 Episode Script

Oh, excuse me.
Yeah.
I'm sending my granddaughter a postcard, and I'm having trouble spelling a word.
Can can you help me? Sure.
What are you spelling? Well, I'm trying to spell "persistent.
" Oh, persistent.
Hemorrhoids.
I don't know how to spell that, I don't think.
Uh Persistent.
P-e-r-s-i-s-t-a-n-t is persistent.
I'm getting a flare-up.
I'm sorry.
I I got to find a a pharmacy or something.
Oh, boy.
Hey! Take my picture! Oh, my God! Say "big boobs.
" Not another medical-bracelet commercial.
I told you to get me a part on "Mad Men.
" No.
No.
That thing between Jon Hamm and me, that's over.
Well, he thinks it is.
The judge said 250 feet, but how enforceable is a restraining order, anyway? Oh, I got to go, Jeff.
I'm Betty White, and welcome to "Off Their Rockers.
" Hugh Hefner may propose to 25-year-olds, but here, we prank them.
And that's what I love about this show.
And I'd say that even if they didn't pay me.
Oh, but they do.
Would you stop staring at my husband? I know he's hot, but, you know, he's not like a piece of meat that you just stare at like that.
Sorry about that.
It's okay.
Just keep your eyes to yourself.
Corner pocket.
My goodness.
Hello.
- Hello.
- Hi.
What's your name? I'm Dave.
Dave oh, that's a nice, solid, you know, sexy name.
So, um Dave, do you like to, um, hang out and have fun? Of course.
All the time.
- You know how long we've been together? - How long? - 40 years.
- Congratulations.
And you know what our secret is? - What? - Variety.
Variety? You know, my wife is kind of shy.
What she really wants to know is, would like to get all up in her.
Really? I know you're thinking there's probably a lot of, you know, mileage on her tires, but I'm here to tell you there's a whole lot of gas left in her tank.
Oh.
Yeah.
Well, I'm all right.
I appreciate that.
As you can see, I'm having a yard sale.
It's a great way to get rid of unwanted treasures.
Ah, see anything you like? Uh, not really.
Oh, well, what about a best actor award? Are you kidding me? I could never take that.
Oh, it's okay.
I'm not sentimental.
Besides, I'm Betty White.
I've got more where that came from.
Wow.
Uh, so, what do you say? $100? Uh, yes, of course! Are you kidding me? Here.
Oh.
Thank you.
Oh, my God.
Truth is, that one isn't mine.
I won it from Kelsey Grammer in a poker game.
I'll put this in the bag.
Okay, Lou.
Here we go.
Huh? All right.
All right.
There you go.
All right.
I'll see you in a little bit.
- Have a great day.
- All right.
Oh.
I hope you're enjoying the show.
After all, I consider you my friends.
And I want my friends to have the best time possible.
How about you, Ann? Anything else I can get you? Well, um, there is that one thing.
You got it.
Ohh, Betty.
You should see what happens when I ring this bell.
Oh! Oh! Ma'am! Can you can you help me? Come here! How can I help you? Do you know where the Santa Monica airport is? It's that way.
That way? Thank you very much.
- You're gonna just hang there like this? - Yeah.
- Thank you.
- Oh, my goodness.
Oh! This is terrifying me.
Keep jogging.
Don't don't mess your cardio up.
- Okay.
- Thank you, sweetie.
- You're welcome.
- Bye.
- Good luck.
- Thank you.
Hey, how you doing? Good.
How are you? Good.
Listen, I was thinking, you run, I run.
Maybe we should, you know, shower together.
Yeah.
What do you think? I don't think so.
Thanks for the offer.
Was it something I said? Hey, big lard-ass! You say something to me? Not me.
Did you hear him say something to me? No English.
What did you call me? I didn't say anything to you, dude.
I'll tell you what.
What? I'm going over here.
I'll be back.
All right? Ass-wipe! Let's go.
Excuse me.
I'm taking a census.
Could I have your attention for a minute or two? Sorry.
Sorry.
Oh, two heads.
Hi, ladies.
Could you answer a few questions for the census? It'll take two seconds.
Two.
Excuse me, dear.
Could I ask you some questions? I'm actually on my way to class.
Sorry.
One with iced coffee.
Gentlemen, could you help me out? I'm working for the census.
We already did the census.
Oh, two.
Oh, my God.
Excuse me.
Sorry.
M my ex is over there, and I don't want him to see me.
Okay.
- Could you do me a favor? - Mm-hmm.
C an I sort of could you put your arm around me so I can No.
Really, just Can you can you just come a little closer? No.
Right.
I'll talk to you later.
Okay, bye.
Oh, my God, here he comes.
Oh, please.
Just turn your back and block him.
Just turn toward me.
Thank you.
Just put your just can you just take your hand put Oh, I thought you said something that Oh, my God, here he comes.
Oh, my God.
My God.
Is he gone? I don't know who you're That guy, that guy.
- Oh, my God.
- Are you kidding? That's not him.
Thank you.
You're a sweetheart.
Thanks for the cuddle.
I haven't cuddled like that since the '70s! Thank you.
What the hell happened to you? Oh, I was bending down to pick up a penny, a lucky penny, and this guy just came and look what he did.
- Hell, no.
- Yeah.
Hell, no.
- But, hey, can I ask you a question? - What? Do you know any good places to eat around here? - To eat? - Yeah.
I just moved here like two months ago.
But, hey, you're at The Pike right here.
Well Sharky's, which is right here good Mexican food.
You know, I'm not sure if you want what's up, boyee! Um, dude, seriously, like, what the hell happened right here? I was Do you need me to pull like, pull your tie out? You can't.
You can't.
You can't? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, I'll rip it.
I mean dude, this guy's got his tie under the tire.
Do you want me to pull it out? It won't come.
It's okay.
Hey, I think we rip that.
No, no, no.
It's my lucky tie.
I'll just wait.
I'll just wait.
Excuse me.
Can I ask you something? Yeah.
Do you know where some good restaurants are? Are you okay? I think I'm okay.
I just need to know where some good restaurants are.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I don't know, sweetheart.
Are you sure you don't need any help? You can't loosen it? - No, I'm fine.
I mean - Okay, then.
Thanks.
We don't always prank the younger generation.
Sometimes we prank each other.
For example, just last week, Richard here gave me some gum that blackened my teeth right before a photo shoot.
All in good fun.
Right, Richard? Betty! Excuse me.
I'm doing a short fitness survey.
Can I talk to you a second? Sure.
It doesn't take long, right? No.
Five questions.
Do you work out? - Yes.
- Okay.
How often? I try to every day unless I'm not feeling well.
Daily, okay.
And do you consider yourself fit? Not right at the very second, but normally, yeah.
Normally.
What are your favorite positions in the bedroom? Missionary is my favorite position.
I'm a reverse-cowgirl myself.
That's a sexual position.
Yeah.
How many positions in a night do you do? You know, not as many as I'd like, you know.
How many? Give me a number.
Four or five.
What are they? Usually it's just me alone fantasizing, but But when it's not? Are you kidding? No.
It depends on the female, you know.
Like, I'm a small guy, so if she's tall, then it has to be missionary.
Or doggy style.
If it's a petite girl, then I can do whatever I want.
Mm, thank you.
I appreciate that.
Is that all you wanted to know? Thank you.
That's all I needed to know.
- What's your name? - Have a nice day.
My name is Ann.
Steven.
Nice to meet you.
That's a great survey.
Excuse me.
Could you wait here with us for a moment? We're just working on something here.
Thank you very much.
Okay, ma'am, you may go through now.
Thank you.
Just a moment.
We'll let you through, sir.
Go, go, go.
Thank you.
- Just a moment.
Thank you.
- Bye! Aw, man.
Go.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Have a beautiful day.
Uh, excuse me, sir.
Could I ask you a question? I wanted to buy some beer, and I forgot my I.
D.
, and I was wondering if maybe you could go in and get it for me.
What makes you think you're gonna get carded? What makes you think I wouldn't? You look young, but you don't look under 18.
What do you mean I don't look under 18? Well, that's the fact of the matter.
Oh, what an insult.
May I sit down? Thank you.
__ I don't know if I actually know.
Well, I'll just try this one.
You have to smell it.
Yes! Excuse me.
I'm trying to text my son.
He's a doctor a dermatologist.
Would and I didn't bring my glasses.
Would you text this for me? Uh, sure.
Thank you so much.
Sit down, will you? It'll just take a minute.
His name is Robbie.
So, what should I say to him? "Dear Robbie, the rash on my hands is nearly gone.
Is it still highly contagious?" Are you freaking me out right now? No, no, really.
So, am I gonna get it? I don't know.
That's why I'm asking him.
Just hit "send.
" Here you go.
Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Now you're touching me with your rash.
Oh, I'm sorry! I'm sure it's okay.
Thank you.
- Did you send it? - Yeah.
Oh, thank you.
Have a good day.
Don't forget your pocketbook.
How's everything going? Good.
I just wanted you to know that all the burgers on the menu are 100% organic, Angus beef, and all our cattle are humanely raised and processed, and part of a unique organ-donation program.
In fact, I'm alive today because of a cow heart transplant that I got myself in Want to feel it? Go ahead.
- No.
- Here you go.
All right? Yeah.
Okay.
Enjoy.
Young lady, do you know where the theaters are? The theater's at the back.
You have to get Do you go in through this way? Right over here? At the end of the show, I always like to bring out a nice bottle of wine.
Oho, Michael.
Don't worry.
What happens at Betty's stays at Betty's.
Well, that's it for tonight.
See you next time.