Bewitched (1964) s02e14 Episode Script

- Darrin, is that you? - No, I left half an hour ago.
Hey.
Hey, sleepyhead.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
I meant to get up and fix your breakfast.
You were sleeping soundly and looked so beautiful I just couldn't wake you.
I'm not beautiful.
I'm sleepy and I look awful.
Not to me, you don't.
You look more beautiful every day.
- Do I really? - Of course you do.
I'll try to get home early tonight.
The Hotchkisses and the Tates are coming for dinner.
And I'm looking forward to them seeing my beautiful wife.
I'll see you tonight.
Mirror, mirror, on the wall who's the most gullible of all? Mother.
What do you mean, gullible? You're getting more and more human every day, Samantha.
- Thank you.
- The way you lap up that treacle it's just pathetic.
I may not be appealing to you, Mother, but Darrin thinks I'm beautiful.
Oh, he's not telling the truth, and you know it.
Thank you, Mother.
You do say the nicest things.
Human beings can't get along without lying to each other.
If they're forced to tell the truth, it's instant chaos.
That's not true.
Nonsense.
They're all the same.
Every one of them, including your precious Dobkin.
That's enough, Mother.
Very well, dear.
You'll see.
All right, Hagatha.
Here it is, Endora.
I'm so glad I had one in stock for you.
These little truth gods are hard to find.
I knew if anyone would have it in her shop, you would.
Nobody seems to be making them anymore.
There's a lot of handwork goes into them.
And this new generation of witches just doesn't have the patience.
Where shall I put it? How powerful is it? Oh, not terribly, really.
It is very old, you know.
But if a human comes within three feet of it he'll just have to say what's on his mind.
Oh, splendid.
May I see it, Hagatha? Of course.
Oh, it's a dear little thing.
Put it on the desk, Hagatha.
One more thing.
They do know what they're saying, don't they? Oh, yes.
And Samantha won't be affected by it, will she? Not at all.
She's still one of us, isn't she? Oh, of course.
Of course.
Now, would you like a gift card to go with it? Oh, yes.
Thank you, Hagatha.
If I'm not prying too much, what did you put on the card? Oh, just, "Thought you might be interested in this.
Uncle Herbert.
" An uncle of Samantha's husband, who travels around the world a lot.
I'd rather my son-in-law didn't know it was from me.
Remember, if he doesn't like it you can always exchange it for something else.
Oh, thank you, Hagatha.
I'll call him right away, Miss Thatcher.
Miss Thatcher, would you come in here for a minute? Yes, sir? Miss Thatcher, how did this package get on my desk? Well, I don't know, sir.
I hadn't noticed it before.
My uncle Herbert's full of surprises.
You know, he always says That sure is a tight dress you're wearing.
Your uncle always says that? And I second the thought.
Wow, that dress looks like it was sprayed on.
I beg your pardon? Yes, sir.
That is a tight dress, is what that is.
I'm sorry if I'm wearing something inappropriate.
Inappropriate? Oh, no.
Not at all, Miss Thatcher.
That's a very charming dress.
I shouldn't have been so personal.
Well, I don't mind your being personal, Mr.
Stephens.
To tell you the truth, I wore this dress especially for you.
I hoped it would get to you.
It's two sizes too small.
I thought it would be nice for you to notice that I was a woman just once.
Miss Thatcher.
I was just kidding.
Really, I don't know what made me say that.
Yes.
Well that makes us even.
- I'll take that in here.
- I wish you would.
Mr.
Stephens' office.
Well, just a moment, Mr.
Burke.
I'll see if he's in.
Mr.
Burke wants to know if you've done anything on his campaign.
I haven't done a thing.
I'd better tell him I had the chickenpox or something.
Hello, Mr.
Burke.
How are you? No, I haven't.
Not a darn thing.
Well, no, Mr.
Burke, I haven't forgotten about you.
I've been snowed under with other things.
I haven't been able to work up any enthusiasm for your product.
Now, look, Mr.
Burke, we have a lot more important clients than you, and The same to you, buddy.
Sorehead.
Am I mistaken, or did you throw an account out the window? Yeah, I did, and it's about time too.
What's the matter with you? An account's an account.
There are some that aren't worth it.
This is one of them.
What's more, you knew it when you gave it to me.
That's very unfair, Darrin.
It's the truth.
I wanted the Hotchkiss account.
I know how to sell that dishwasher of his.
And besides, a raise should go along with it.
What's bugging you this morning, Darrin? I gave you the Burke account because it was a challenge.
And I want no part of it.
That's a miserable man, a marginal product and I have no intention of knocking myself out.
And you can stop making goo-goo eyes at the Hotchkiss account because it's mine.
All mine.
Right, Larry.
Sure.
I hope you'll be in a better mood when we come tonight with Mr.
Hotchkiss and his wife.
Yeah, I'll try to be a good boy.
Well, see you tonight at 7, Darrin.
I'm looking forward to it, Larry.
Big shot.
What did you stop me for? What is it I've done? You know what you did, mister.
You went through a red light.
That light turned yellow just as I was going through the intersection.
It was red all the way through.
It was yellow, and you know it.
Come on, now, tell the truth.
May I see your driver's li? Yeah, it was yellow, all right.
You admit it? Yeah, you got me.
What did you flag me down for? Oh, I was feeling lousy and I just felt like I had to hang one on somebody.
Always makes me feel better when I get this way.
Do you get this way often? You would too.
I've got two enemies who are trying to destroy my natural good nature.
My sergeant by day, and my wife by night.
Yeah, you've got it rough.
Keeping people from killing one another and all you get in return is a nasty look for your trouble.
Mister, you really understand.
You know, you don't meet up with your kind very often.
Well, I don't feel this way very often.
Would you mind removing yourself from my car? I'd like to go home.
Okay, buddy.
But don't go through that light again, or I'll throw the book at you.
Sam, I'm home.
- Fine, Darrin.
Be down in a minute.
- Okay.
Hello, David.
Did you have a nice day? Would you mind flying down from your roost? My, we are testy today, aren't we? I don't know, I'm just not myself today.
Oh, you're wrong.
You're very much yourself today.
What is that supposed to mean? Hi there.
Hi, darling.
- What kind of a kiss is that? - A cautious kiss.
- I didn't want a roller in the eye.
- Honey, I'm sorry.
I had to do my hair for tonight.
You don't mind, do you? Sure, I do.
All men do.
If women only realized how ridiculous and unfeminine they look.
All that hardware in their hair.
You want me to look pretty, don't you? Well, look at it this way: How would you feel if I came down the stairs with shaving cream all over my face and offered you my forehead to kiss.
Darrin.
I wouldn't be at my most attractive, would I? No.
And you're not right now.
I find his honesty very refreshing, Samantha.
Well, thank you, Mom.
Well, if the sight of me is so distressing, I'll go back upstairs.
Oh, Sam.
Sweetheart.
You are the one woman in the world who can get away with it.
Even if you tried, you couldn't be not beautiful.
My that's the sweetest, whitest little lie I ever heard.
All right, Mother.
That'll do.
Oh, what's that? Oh, it's from Uncle Herbert.
It arrived at the office today.
Hey, you should've seen the dress my secretary was wearing today.
Boy! Couldn't keep your eyes off her, I suppose.
Well, it wasn't easy.
Of course, she can't compare with Sam.
Miss Thatcher is Well, you take her out of that dress - Is everything set for dinner? - Yes.
Oh, darling.
Don't let a thing like that bother you.
You know how men are with their secretaries.
Now, wait a minute! Why don't you two go upstairs and get dressed? I hope you have a lovely evening.
- Thank you, dear.
- Don't worry about me.
I'll find something to eat someplace.
- Okay, fine.
- By myself somewhere.
Maybe I won't bother.
When I'm alone, I just don't have an appetite.
Why don't you stay and have dinner with us? Oh, darling.
That's very nice of you.
Are you sure that I won't be in the way? No, no, of course not.
The Tates love seeing you, don't they, darling? Oh, yes.
Yes, they really, certainly, really, really do.
Don't overdo it, dear.
- Seven o'clock, Samantha? - Yes, 7:00.
Seven o'clock.
Well, I looked that man straight in the eye and I said, "Sir, give me a chance to prove to you that a 6-year-old boy can handle the toughest paper route in town.
" He did, and I did, and that's how I got my start.
Ed, that's a wonderful, heart-warming story.
- Isn't it, Darrin? - Certainly is, Larry.
- Fresh drink, Mr.
Hotchkiss? - Oh, thank you.
- I'll have one, Darrin.
- Stephens, that's a cute wife you got.
Maybe she could help us write slogans for my dishwasher.
I'm afraid I'm not very good at that sort of thing.
Yes, it does take a little talent, doesn't it? That reminds me.
I thought of a great slogan for my dishwasher today.
- I'll let you have it for nothing.
- Great.
Let's hear it.
Everybody ready? - Frances.
- You're absolutely right, Ed.
I haven't said anything yet.
What was the slogan, Mr.
Hotchkiss? Well, this is going to kill you.
Here's how it goes: "Confucius say don't be wishy-washy, buy a Hotchkiss dishy-washy.
" - Hey, that's great, Ed.
- Hey.
Darrin, make a note of that, and we'll discuss it at the meeting.
Sure.
Sure, Larry.
Yes, sir.
Yeah.
I won't have to make a note of that, because I won't forget it.
How could I forget anything as ridiculous as that? What was that you said? "Wishy-washy, dishy-washy.
" You must be kidding, Ed.
Now, Darrin, you've got to admit that it's pretty catchy.
- Watch yourself, Darrin.
- Don't get nervous.
I know Hotchkiss is a pet of yours.
That's right, buddy boy.
If anybody's going to laugh at a pet client of mine it's gonna be me.
"Confucius say.
" Did you ever hear of anything this ridiculous? I've heard better slogans from a 10-year-old child.
Darrin, Larry, don't tease Mr.
Hotchkiss.
They always do this with a new client.
It's a sort of fraternity initiation.
Junior high school fraternity.
You must lose a lot of clients that way.
Oh, no, we only do it to clients who have a good sense of humour.
Yeah, like you, Ed.
Yeah.
That's one thing you can say about me without fear of contradiction.
- Right, Frances? - Whatever you say, Ed.
A sense of humour has always been an important ingredient in my success.
I've always been able to laugh at misfortune.
Even during the grim days when I was pulling myself up the ladder.
Rung by rung, I worked myself up into the appliance business until Knock it off, Ed.
What did you say, Frances? You didn't work your way into the business.
You were kicked into it by my father who gave you $25,000 when we got married.
How can you say a thing like that? It's very easy.
It's the truth.
- But - Darrin what'd you put in those drinks? I don't know, but I'll give you odds we never make it to dinner.
Now, Frances, take it easy.
Give him both barrels, honey.
You'll feel better.
- Louise! - I've been clamming up for years while he's been playing "I Love Me" on his big trombone.
And don't you ever snap your fingers at me again.
Say, why don't we all have another drink, huh? Samantha, is dinner almost ready? Dinner may be ready, but Frances isn't.
She has a few more things to say.
Haven't you, honey? Plenty.
But this'll do for starters.
The odds against dinner are going up.
I'll be going up straight through the ceiling if you don't do something.
Okay, honey.
You know a little bit of frankness can be a very refreshing and healthy thing.
But a lot of frankness is a gasser.
- What's come over you? - You interrupted me.
- Darrin! - You never talked to me like this in your life.
- It's time somebody did.
- And it's about time you listened.
- Hold on, Darrin.
- Darrin, listen.
- You stay out of this, Sam.
- I can handle this, Larry.
- I think it's time for dinner, everyone.
You might begin by listening to your wife.
And then your advertising representatives.
Keep going.
Go on.
You're making lots of sense.
I've waited for years for you to stop being that silent, suffering martyr.
You picked a beautiful time to turn yourself on.
Silent martyr? Now, you look here, Ed Now, just a minute, folks.
I'm not finished yet.
I think it's time for dinner, everyone.
Larry? I think we ought to postpone this little discussion until right now.
There are ways of handling an account.
I don't think this is any of them.
Ed, we don't tell you how to make dishwashers because you make a good one.
We don't need amateurs telling us how to conduct your advertising campaign.
Well, let's go in, everyone.
We might as well fight this out over dinner.
Darrin, let him tell him off.
It's his account.
Louise, if I want your help, I'll ask for it.
You leave her alone.
She's a fine, courageous woman.
Oh, for heaven's sakes, where's your manners? We're guests in this house.
- Oh, that's perfectly all right, really.
- This is my house too and I give Frances permission to say anything.
Go ahead, Frances.
Well, why aren't you laughing, Ed? Where's that sense of humour that carried you through when you were climbing that ladder? Why don't we let it wait until after dinner? Good morning, daughter.
Good morning.
Is there anything you'd like to discuss with your dear old Mother? Like last night's disaster, for example? Wasn't it awful? Well, as I said, that's what you have to expect when human beings are forced to tell the truth.
- Mother.
- Isn't that right, my little friend? Then Darrin's uncle Herbert didn't send that.
You did.
That's right.
It's a little truth god.
Hi, sweetheart.
Is coffee ready yet? No, I haven't put it on yet.
Well, then how come? Darrin, before you come any closer I think you ought to know that Mother sent that.
And any human that comes near it has to say what's on his mind.
You see? They just can't stand the truth, any of them.
That was a mean, low, sneaky, underhanded trick.
Yes, it was.
And I'm quite pleased with myself.
It was at the party last night.
Mother kept it busy.
That's what caused all the trouble.
Oh, fine, great.
Then all I have to do is tell Larry that we were all under the influence of a magic statue.
He'll understand.
Simple.
Here's your chance to explain.
He's coming up the walk right now.
- Have fun, children.
- Moth - Darling, I'm sorry.
- It's all right.
Darrin, you made a fool of yourself last night.
And you darn near made one of me.
Appeared to me that everyone was doing a good job on themselves.
- Including you.
- Oh, good morning, Samantha.
- Lovely dinner.
- Lf you want some it's still out in the kitchen.
I tell you, I stayed up practically all night trying to calm down Hotchkiss and his wife.
Not to mention Louise.
Oh, I salvaged the account but I do think I'm entitled to an apology from you.
Well, Larry, I There's no reason for Darrin to make an apology.
I'm afraid you'll have to get along without one.
Maybe I can get along without him at the office too.
- Why don't you try? - You've got a deal.
And it's the worst deal I ever made.
I need you at the office, you know that.
I can't get along without you.
Oh, that's nice to hear, isn't it, Darrin? What about Mr.
And Mrs.
Hotchkiss? Well to tell the truth, I wasn't up with them last night.
He called me this morning.
They continued the donnybrook they were having and cleared up a lot of old misunderstandings.
- They're happy as larks.
- Oh, how sweet.
Did they say anything about Darrin? As a matter of fact, he did.
He said Darrin was right about the slogan and that we know more about advertising than he does.
He thinks Darrin's a great guy.
Well, that's fine, Larry.
- You'll be down at the office later? - Of course I will, Larry.
I'll be there as soon as I get a raise and full responsibility for the Hotchkiss account.
What? You drive a hard bargain, Darrin.
But okay.
See you at the office.
Thank you, sweetheart.
Where's the statue? Right here, Mother.
And you were wrong.
Nothing but good seems to have come from the truth.
Well, you can't win them all.
Anything you'd like to say, dear? Darling, you're beautiful, sweet, charming, adorable and I love you madly.
There, you hear that? And that's the truth.
But your mother is an irritating, meddling - Darrin.
- I'm not finished yet.
- I'm going to say a lot more.
- Oh, no, you're not.
As I was saying your mother is an irritating, meddling, nasty Well, I guess I told her.
Guess you did.