Cougar Town s02e14 Episode Script

I'm just trying to give you a surprise, why are you struggling? Well, I can't help it.
I keep having this recurring dream that you get bored with me, so you blindfold me and throw me in a woodchipper.
Well, then don't ever get boring.
Ah Sweetie, Valentine's Day isn't till tomorrow.
Aw, boy toy can't read a calendar? Giving flowers on Valentine's Day, lame-o.
The day before, rock star.
Whoo! Which reminds me Happy Day-Before-Valentine's-Day, Kirsten, just in case Travis forgot.
- He did forget.
- Forget what? It's not a thing! - Dude, why? - Don't call me boy toy.
Mmm.
Aw - Why are her flowers bigger than mine? - They're the same size.
Why are they the same size? I'm just kidding.
But fix it.
Yeah, that's so much better.
You know, when you put love out into the world, it always comes back to you.
Watch this.
Hey, Travis, you're such a great son, I love you.
Looking hot today, Mrs.
T.
Go make me some money, handsome.
Best bro in the world, everybody, sitting right there.
Double frap-cap for the lovely lady.
Cool.
Damn, Tom, your garden looks good! I know you love sticky buns, so I made these from scratch.
Wow, thanks, Tom.
- Hey, gang.
- Hey, Tom! - What a phony.
- God, he's painful.
Circle of love.
Feel it in your hearts.
- Step the hell off.
- Hey.
- Off.
- Ugh.
I'm so annoyed.
Tomorrow's Saint Valentine's Day.
What saint decided that women have to put out just because some idiot bought them an eight dollar teddy bear? Ew.
All Valentine's Day means to me is that it is seven weeks after Christmas.
I thought that was you last night.
Attention, neighborhood idiots! Christmas was seven weeks ago! Take down your tacky lights or die! Thank you, that is all.
I love Valentine's Day.
I don't care whether I get flowers or a deer skin.
Ah, the deer skin was me.
- No! - Yeah.
Well, my worst Valentine's Day No one said her deer skin was the worst.
Tell her, Jules.
- It's OK, Laurie.
Go ahead.
- I'll bullet point it.
Miami.
Huge party.
Sex.
Turns out, not Dan Marino.
How about you, boy toy? What's your worst Valentine's Day? I guess that would be two years ago, when my dad died.
Well, I guess that trumps the story about the restaurant that overcooked my swordfish.
Well, you know how swordfish can be really dry, it's so dry, and I had run out of water - Jules! - Yeah.
Oh, sorry.
So, Grayson, what was your dad like? Anyone who doesn't want to talk about this, raise your hand.
- Really, I'm the only one? - No, no.
Even though I asked, me too.
Wow, Grayson's even more closed off emotionally than the cold one here.
Well, that's impossible.
I don't even think I have tear ducts.
So, what's it like when Grayson gets all vulnerable? - What now? - I figured that with you, he feels comfortable, he can open up.
Totally.
You know, this morning we were just talking about his childhood.
- Oh.
- Yeah, he was a really sick kid.
He used to have to wear those metal braces on his legs like Forrest Gump.
And Well, his sister did, too.
His mother said they used to get so tangled up that to get them apart she'd have to use this big hook, and just - A hook? - Yeah.
- He doesn't open up to you, does he? - No.
- It makes you crazy, doesn't it? - Yes.
Are you mad because she seems happy about it? Yes again.
He's probably just scared.
I need to let him know that if he wants to open up to me, it's OK.
You know? - It sounds like a good plan.
- Yeah, that'll work.
Mmm Unacceptable.
I'll buy you new ones.
They were probably like 100 bucks.
You may keep one.
That is my gift to you.
- You know what I'd really like, Trav? - What? A sexy picture.
What? Like Ryan Reynolds riding a horse? No, of you.
Like, sexy or No, like, sexy, sexy.
Done.
Prepare for the heat wave.
I'm screwed.
Let me guess, you guys finally kissed and only one of you loved it.
I'm helping Andy brainstorm Valentine's Day plans for you.
Sometimes I see my ideas in Bobby's eyes.
Were you not listening before? I hate Valentine's Day.
But I'm a showman! I need to wow you.
No, thanks.
Come on! What am I supposed to do? There's only one way to figure it out.
Oh, there's my boyfriend, my boyfrizzle.
People don't say "izzle" anymore, it's lame.
Well, I disagrizzle.
I came by 'cause I thought you might be thinking about your dad.
I just wanted to let you know that if you ever want to talk about him with just me, my door is always open.
Like right now for example.
Nope, nope, here it goes, it's closing.
No, psych.
It's still open.
It's not even a door.
It's beads that you just walk right through.
- I'm fine, Jules.
- Fantizzle.
Do you work at all? I don't have time to help you with your girlfriend's present, Travis.
Ugh.
Why are you eating a croissant? What are you, French? Why are you drinking tea? What are you, French? Just give me five minutes of peace before you start in.
Yeah, I murdered your Santa Claus.
And if you don't take down your stupid decorations, the reindeer's next.
Your friends are jerks.
You missed one, Tom.
Oh, damn it! Stupid circle of anger.
- It is stubborn for saying not to call.
- Enough already.
Shush it.
Happy Valentine's Day! Captain Emo has been following me around yapping about romance and vomiting "I love yous" all over me.
That's because Captain Emo loves you.
- Just let me take you out tonight.
- No.
Jules, make her go.
Yeah, 'cause it's so easy to make this one do stuff.
Ellie, look over here.
See? If it makes you feel any better, Grayson is bugging me today, too.
- Hey.
There's my Valentine.
- Oh Anything you need today, I am on it.
Weak.
Jules is mad because Grayson never pours his heart out to her.
It is unhealthy to live your life bottling up your feelings inside.
- She wouldn't know.
- No.
Anyway, he needs to learn Hey, just had to grab my glasses.
What are we talking about? My cell phone.
I think it's in the car.
- Do you mind? - Hey, I said anything for you today.
I love you.
This is what humans say and do on Valentine's Day.
I know you want him to open up more.
But those tiny eyes, I mean, can tears really even fit out of them? Oh, my God, to see Grayson cry.
I mean, that is like my my double rainbow.
If you're patient, eventually he's gonna feel safe enough to let you in.
Yeah, I'm not waiting.
This is the anniversary of his dad's death.
I'm gonna crack that son of a bitch today.
- Sweet.
- Yeah, it is sweet.
I know the perfect photographer.
And I'm sorry I was being jerky earlier.
I'm on this new birth control pill and it slows down your cycle so much that my time of the month only comes, like, once every 12 months.
Seriously, I feel like I'm about to get my yeariod.
Catching my breath, and we keep walking.
Look, I'm just not loving the idea of some random-ass dude - taking slutty pictures of me.
- Buddy, boudoir photos are classy.
Plus, you don't have to be completely naked.
I sent a photo to this guy in Iraq, and my junk was completely covered by a real stuffed eagle.
It was so patriotic.
All right, here we are.
Well, hello there.
Hey, want a sneak peek at my Valentine's Day gift for my houseboy, Benicio? - Ahh - Whoa! Whoa! I know, I keep it long in the winter.
Show's over, kittens.
Ta-ta.
- Promise me this won't get creepier.
- Oh, honey, I promise.
Should we start with a glass of sherry before you get undressed? OK, I was wrong.
There's so many great pictures of your dad in here.
Wow, what was he like? He was pretty cool.
You two look so much alike.
You must see him every day when you look in the mirror.
- Not really.
Want to watch TV? Yeah.
Or we can watch your parents' anniversary video.
OK.
Oh, look at your dad dancing with your mom.
Oh, you just see the love they have for each other.
- Hey, hey! - It's just oozing out of the screen, like warm honey.
Now he's gone.
Gone forever.
Gone-zo-roonie! How can this not crush you? My mom, Bea, died years ago, and if someone even gets stung by a bee, I start crying.
So, I'm trying to make this the perfect Valentine's Day for you, and all you want is for me to break down about my dad dying? Don't twist this around like I sound like the weird one.
I mean I can't take a sexy picture.
Shirtless, I look like one of those hairless cats.
Your mother wants me to open up emotionally.
I'd rather touch my tongue to a car battery.
My friend Nezzie did that on a dare.
Now she just sits around watching game shows with a lady that helps her go to the bathroom.
Ellie won't let me do anything.
I'm a showman.
What's a showman without a show? Just a man.
At least you guys have people that love you.
God! You make me so angry! Whoa, what? - Yeariod.
- Roger that.
She's right, though.
You guys are lucky.
I'm alone tonight.
No, you're not.
You're gonna take me to a fancy restaurant, and then fake dump me so that I can get a free meal.
- The ol' bitch and ditch.
I'm in.
- You both have been extremely helpful.
Guys, if you want to be happy, just give the women what they want.
# And always give the women what they want Oh-ho.
That's good.
Places.
Hey, why aren't you dressed up? Thought we were going to a nice restaurant.
Instead of going out, I thought we'd stay in and I could talk about my dad.
Let it all out.
If that's what you want.
Let's do this.
OK, I poured the champagne, I bought you something nice to wear, - and then we're gonna go do the - Andy, I told you that I - Wasn't talking to you.
- I love this coat.
- So, you bought another man clothes? - Check the pocket.
Ooh - A penny.
- For Penny Can tonight.
And look at the date.
Good Lord.
Travis, don't be nervous, it's just a picture.
- I don't know how to stand or what - OK, OK.
Let me show you some of my favorite sexy poses, OK? This is warming my butt by the campfire.
This one Yeah, I sit backwards on a chair 'cause I'm a rule-breaker.
Seems natural.
If you do have the courage to go totally nude, this is my show-stopper.
Here I am.
Deal with it.
How about I lose a button? Here's your tissues and your wine.
Now, if there's an art to pouring your guts out, I'd be Picasso, so if you have any questions, just ask.
Can the TV be on while we do this? No.
Now, you're gonna wrap yourself up in this cuddly blanket because we want you to look all small and vulnerable.
And don't feel weird if I start to cry with you, because it's gonna happen.
- Super.
- Let's get this party started.
Well my dad's name was Gil, he spelled it with one L.
His dad was also named Gill, but he spelled it with two L's.
Let's fast forward a bit, shall we? Um, I happened to jot down a couple of questions to get us on our way to Breakdown City.
Um Were you with your dad when he passed? Since he's in heaven, do you think that he's met my mom yet? Oh, God, I'm having so much fun already.
When I was a kid, my dad always used to say - I can't do this.
- What, your dad couldn't do what? Hug you.
Say "I love you"? Throw things away? Oh.
Was he a hoarder? No, Jules I can't do this.
Ah And we're out! Oh, my God I'm out.
I'm sorry, Jules, I'm out.
Quitter.
Aw Hey.
Tom, does Jules know you're here? I assume so, since I just murdered her.
- I made a joke.
- Laugh.
Tom's always wanting to spend time with the crew, so I invited him in for wine.
It is just so nice to spend time with someone who's not afraid to, to share their dreams and their fears.
Speaking of dreams, you were in my dream last night.
I needed a makeover and you were like Edward Scissorhands, except that your hands were all lipstick tubes and mascara wands.
- I would love that.
- You were in my dream, too, Jules.
- Oh, what was I doing? - We were making love.
Attaboy, Tom.
Have a good one, Jules.
Actually, I might not have been completely asleep, but I fell asleep shortly afterwards.
- Time to go, Tom.
- I get too excited when I'm here.
Oh, God.
I know it's corny to ask you this on Valentine's Day, but Karen, will you Penny Can! I have been calling you for 20 minutes.
Why isn't your phone on? You told me it was rude to leave my phone on during a date.
When I said I didn't want to do anything tonight, it didn't mean I wanted to be alone while you acted like you just got a rose on the gay hillbilly version of The Bachelor.
- It's working.
- Great.
Hey, guys, can I get my penny back? It's 1969.
He gets it.
You know, I'm glad my date got cut short.
Yeah, this is a great father-son moment, but why does Laurie have to be here? She shouldn't miss out on this just because you got embarrassed.
Before, when he was posing, he just wasn't owning it.
OK? He needs to pull the camera's pants down with his eyes.
This couldn't get any worse.
Cue my entrance! I was listening outside.
Kill me.
OK, take one for me.
- Has anyone seen Grayson? - Oh, he decided to go into work.
That jerk.
Honey, try to make your mouth a little bit poutier.
You can see through the blindfold? No! Just a little psychic.
- You came to work on Valentine's Day? - Looks that way.
Hey, I'm sorry for pushing your buttons today.
Why are you always trying to change me? I love you the way you are.
- I don't try and change you.
- That's because I'm not annoying.
You really wanna open that door? - Nope.
- See all these couples here? We could've had a nice, romantic, normal evening just like them.
After you clean the pool, I'm gonna shave every inch of you.
That is not a classy toast.
I know you want me to be some emotional girly man who loves talking about his feelings, but that is never going to happen.
- I'm not an idiot.
- Then what do you want from me? I just want you to be a little different with me than you are with everyone else.
You ruined a perfectly magical evening, I hope you're proud of yourself.
- I am.
- Do you even know - why you're mad at me? - Nope.
I begged you to let me wow you for Valentine's Day, and you said no.
It was one of my crazy nos.
Like when you ask me if I want you to get me dinner and I say "I'm never eating again.
" Andy, you're just supposed to know what I want even when I'm saying crazy, stupid things that I don't mean, especially when I think I mean them.
I mean, like now I don't even what I am saying.
I really feel crazy.
Come here.
- Where? - Do me a favor and go outside.
For the love of my life, cham-pag-ne, your best friend, who shouldn't look sad - Sorry.
and finally, Bobby, showtime! Happy Valentine's Day.
You took down everyone's Christmas decorations for me? And the Goldstein's giant inflatable dreidel.
Whatever the hell that is.
I figure we drink a little, and then burn everything.
It's perfect! - Just let me open it now.
- OK.
Oh, I hope it looks like that one of you in the blazer.
That is so sexy.
So, when you said sexy picture, you meant normal sexy, not like a weird one where I'm half-naked and have a rose in my mouth, - because that would just be horrifying.
- Oh, my God, you didn't.
- I have to see that right now.
- No, no.
- Yes.
Baby, come on.
- Kirsten.
- Stop.
Yes.
Honey? Trav, stop.
- I'm serious.
You're being ridiculous.
Baby I'm so sorry.
- OK, guys, we're out of champagne.
- It's OK.
I brought some.
Hey.
Jules I am different with you.
You just don't notice.
Remember when Ellie asked me about my dad? I told her I didn't wanna talk about it.
But when you asked me, I did want to let you in.
Remember? - What was he like? - He was pretty cool.
No way! He is different with me! Yeah! - I love you.
- I love you, too.
Oh, and I brought you a present.
A Field of Dreams DVD? Oh, yeah, when he plays catch with his dead dad, it always makes me cry.
I thought you might wanna watch me watch it.
Right now.
This must've been horrifying for you.
My dad was there, Laurie was blindfolded, and then my mom came in.
I can't believe you did all of that for me.
You're awesome.
I'm sorry, I can't while it's looking at me.
I love you, boo.
Is that my reindeer? This is amazing.
You're going to make me watch it again, aren't you? At least two more times.
Oh, come on, let it out.
You never listen to what I want, it's always about you.
You know what? We're done.
Why won't you love me? Ma'am, are you OK? No! We have four kids together.
Oh! Oh, no, I don't have my purse.
Order anything you like, it's on the house.
Oh, thank you.
And get me the ribs.
Bitch!