Dan Vs. (2010) s02e14 Episode Script

1 I don't normally respond to personal ads, but when I read yours "Trust fund heiress loves TV, cats, and wrestling seeks sharp dresser with common interests," I knew it was fate.
Thanks again for letting me pay.
Of course.
Going Dutch isn't that romantic.
So, Dan I know you love TV.
But I'm dying to know what shows you like.
I'll watch absolutely anythingexcept reality TV.
I can't sit through that gibberish.
The Reality Network is the only channel I watch! But, you seem sonot vapid.
(abby laughs) You're kinda funny.
Well, at least you like cats.
Oh, I love cats.
I had one this afternoon.
Had? What happened to it? What do you mean? I ate it.
I looove cats.
Especially with a little teriyaki sauce.
Oh delicious, You want some leftovers? It's really good cold! Look Abby, even though you're the only female wrestling fan I've met who's graduated high school, I just don't think this is going to work out.
Wrestling FAN? I'm not some loser fan! When I said I love wrestling, I meant the real deal.
Easy now.
This is no way to deal with a break up.
The only thing breaking up is your face.
(dan yelps) (beaten, out of breath) Get off of me, you cat eating savage.
Wait, Dan! Just one more thing! I'm an actor.
I don't eat cats.
And those are hidden cameras.
You're on The Reality Network's "Fake Date!" What? AndCUT! How could you embarrass me like this?! Dan, great work back there.
Buddy Star, executive producer.
What can I do for you? You can hand over that tape! You made a fool out of me! Exactly.
That's how Reality TV works.
First, you look ridiculous, then I show it to millions of people, then I get rich.
Boom! Educated.
(buddy laughs) Too bad we also had cameras There, there, there, oh, and a one in your soup.
aaahhhh REALITY TV!!! When we left for commercial, we were talking about how nobody wants to come to a cold, dark police station when they're gettin arrested.
Which is why I'm gonna show you how, with a few throw pillows and a lot of lace, you can turn your jail-house into a jail-home.
(pop-corn crunch) How can you watch that filth? How long have you been standing there? Long enough to pity you.
This afternoon, I was duped into being a puppet on a ridiculous reality show.
Hey! You're gonna be on TV! I don't want to be on TV! I'm not an entertainer, Chris, I'm an entertainee.
Which that slimeball fails to understand.
What slimeball? Who cares?! Some stupid producer.
Buddy something.
Let's go! Tune in next week when we get cozy at-- Ninja Dave's cookies.
Until then, I'm Tony Minestrone, telling you to stay cozy.
Or else.
(buddy star v.
o.
) You just watched a Buddy Star production.
Way to go, you.
(dan o.
s.
) Buddy Star! That's the guy who bamboozled me.
Hey, Honey! Want to come meet a famous reality TV producer before Dan ruins his life? Ah! Thanks, but I'm not really into Reality TV.
Or Dan.
Besides, weren't we going to fix the water heater? (Dan clears his throat) You're right.
One of us should probably stay.
How hard is it to turn off a TV? (buddy star o.
s.
) This week on "Fake Date.
" (buddy star v.
o.
) An angry little man answers the wrong personal ad.
(tony minestrone v.
o.
) Hello and welcome to another installment of "Gettin' Cozy with Tony Minestrone.
" Now, right after they post your bail, you're gonna be hungry.
Trust me.
That's why today, we're at Ninja Dave's Cookie Shop.
I can already tell this place needs A LOT of cozying up.
Wow! The real Tony Minestrone.
He looks much thinner since he had his stomach stapled.
Who cares? You may be wondering, what do throw pillows have to do with a cookie shop? (buddy star o.
s.
) Cut! These two idiots are in my shot! HEY! You just ruined a perfect take.
Wait a minute, Don't I know you? I'm the guy you humiliated on "Fake Date" and I'm here to return the favor.
Oh, yeah.
Good to see you.
But not in my shot.
Tony? Sorry guys, but you're all up in my feng shui and whatnot.
By the way, big fan.
(crashing sound) Wow, Dan! These are the actual throw pillows Tony uses on TV.
Do you think it's okay if I keep one? What do you mean they passed? Audiences are crying out for a show like "Who Wants To Eat A Polar Bear?" Grab as many as you can.
(phone beeps off) What are you still doing here? We've decided to beat you to death with throw pillows.
Wait, to death? Stop! You don't have to do this.
Yes I do.
Reality TV is the worst entertainment medium since witch-burning.
If you want to entertain people, why don't you try making a real show? With fictional characters who live in impossibly convenient worlds? Hey, we'd all love to write a real show.
But it's hard.
I don't have any ideas.
Really? I have drawers full of stuff that could be on TV.
Oh, well.
(pillows thrashing) Wait, wait, wait wait! I have a thought.
Look, all I want to do is produce television.
If you've got better ideas, I will cancel every reality show on my roster.
Come to my estate for lunch tomorrow.
We'll talk.
Now this is how you treat a guy.
Whoo! This is Dan.
He's a wildman who's not afraid to say what's on his mind.
And he's our last contestant on America's Next Top Amazing Bachelor Challenge! If you're watching this- Notify the authorities! I'm being held against my will! America's Next Top Amazing Bachelor Challenge? We had a deal! You're right.
I completely betrayed your trust.
How does that make you feel? Uh uh uh.
Once America's Next Top Amazing Bachelor Challenge begins, contestants cannot leave.
Can and will! Not until our lovely bachelorette chooses one of four complete strangers to be her soulmate.
Who's excited to meet her? Whoo Hoo alright Ba-da-bing ba-da-boom, were out.
Yeaahh! Alright! (grunting) Give it up forKelly! You've got some nerve, Buddy.
Haven't I already proven I'm capable of highly erratic behavior? (whispers to Dan) Of course you have.
And then some.
You might be the loosest cannon that reality TV's ever seen.
And I need more, Dan.
America needs more.
How bout it guys? Isn't Kelly stunning? (cheer and applaud) To break the ice, Kelly has made a very special video for you guys.
Let's take a look! Hey guys.
My name is Kelly, and I'm looking for love.
But I'm not just a pretty face.
I also have lots of interests.
Kelly seems like a really interesting girl.
Kelly, you seem like an interesting girl.
Aww.
You're sweet.
Aahhhem!! (trumpet sounds) Oh.
You know what that sound means! It's time for our first challenge! Ohh! Maybe it's a swimsuit competition! Fine, but I swim in the nude.
Now, Kelly really wants her soulmate to be sensitive.
Which is why your first America's Next Top Bachelor Challenge challenge is to serenade Kelly with an original song! Okay Crunchopottomus, it's all yours.
Neck deep in flesh-eating sand fleas! That's so weird! This is exactly how I got in my frat.
But be careful maestros.
You're being judged.
You've each got one minute to write your song.
ReadyLyricize! (clock sfx) (mumbling to themselves) Escape routeescape route Escape route! KellyKellyI love the way your name is spelly-ed.
With a K-E-Y and 'elly' in the middle.
I love the way your hair --just bit me! Ow! Your beautiful smile-- Ah! (crunchy o.
s.
) It hurts man it hurts so much! Leave me alone! This just got real.
(bird squealing sound) (loud smack) Next up!! Are you ready Tony? I shouldn't have skipped that jazzercise class.
Stupid shallow end.
Ahhh! The sweet taste of freedom.
Taxi! As far away from here as possible.
Hurry! I can't do that for ya.
Buddy! Buddy?? How did you-- Hey, Dan.
Riveting escape attempt back there.
You can't go one minute without doing something watchable, can you? Ha Ha Ha.
(loud kicking sound) This is why I can't let you leave.
(pounding on window) Hey, where's Tony going? Ah, He's leaving.
Kelly decided that he lost the singing competition.
I mean Pfft.
Gave a great exit interview though.
But the voice.
Wait.
So if I lost a competition, would I also leave the show? Well duh.
Those are the rules.
Pft.
When I first got here, it seemed like there was no escape.
Then Buddy, you were foolish enough to provide me with a way out.
So, there's still no hot water Shh! (buddy star v.
o.
) coming up next, the world premiere of America's Next Top Amazing Bachelor Challenge.
Hey, you're watching Reality TV.
It's amazing.
I can't believe the kind of riff raff they put on these shows.
Hey that guy looks just like-- Yep.
I always knew Dan would be on TV someday.
I just assumed it would be for doing something horrendous.
WooHooHoo (dan o.
s.
) This just got real.
Maybe I'll go fix the water heater.
(dan screams background) I guess I could watch for another minute or two.
When Buddy told us the next contest was a fashion show, I knew I could get myself sent home.
While I am obviously quite the fashionisto, I figured out what I need to lose this competition with a minimum of effort.
Annnd time! Drop your needles and remove your blindfolds.
It's perfect.
Time to hit the runway! And, let's not forget to keep a special lookout for today's secret ingredient: turtles.
Runway music starts playing Well uh basically, I just stapled these turtles around my neck.
Oh, a turtle neck.
I love it! A turtle neck? What? Ohhhh.
Nice.
I'd liked to announce that No turtles were harmed in the making of this outfit.
You hate it? Don't you? Not at all! I think I found a winner.
What?! I didn't even use the secret ingredient! Dan's right, Kelly.
He's turtle less.
That means he can't win.
I see a turtle.
Where? I double checked! Between the tire, and the green cape, not sure about the bikini top, but he looks like a giant turtle to me.
That's the most cleverest of them all! Oh! Dan wins! Crunchy, you have thirty seconds to vacate the premises.
You may leave now.
Even though I lost, I'm glad I got the chance to meet Kelly.
It was fun.
I can't escape.
I'm naturally incapable of losing.
There's only one thing left to do: blow up the house.
(loud explosion) Oh, wow.
I love a guy who can cook.
What are you making? If you must know, a bomb.
Wow! My grandma used to make those.
Chocolate-cherry or peach-praline? Nitroglycerin.
I don't think I've ever tried that one.
And you never will.
Because I'm about to incinerate every inch of this house.
Then how will you do your stupid show, Buddy? Ha.
Oh, I get it.
You're just mad because you found out the grand prize is just a trip to Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
What? Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp? Yeah, pretty lame, huh? Excellent work, Dan.
You're exactly the sort of Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camper we're looking for to head up the big moon explosion project.
Yessir.
That moon doesn't stand a chance.
Wow.
Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
I know, they could have at least sprung for a sports car or something.
I finally get why people go on these stupid reality shows.
I'll put up with all kinds of embarrassment for the chance to nap in zero gravity.
Hey where are you going? I was really excited about your bomb.
When you think about it, Adult Astronaut Sleepaway Camp is just as satisfying as blowing up a reality show.
AND it's not a felony.
My new exit strategy is to walk out of here a winner.
And nothing is going to stop me.
Hey, Dan.
Can I talk to you for a second? You got it, Buddy.
Listen, I love your new enthusiasm, believe me, but I need you to lose the final challenge.
What? Why would I do that? I finally want to win.
Who cares what you want? I have millions of viewers to satisfy.
And while they may enjoy your antics, everyone's rooting for the two hottest people to get together.
Another reason Kelly should wind up with me! Sorry, pal.
I chose Kelly's soulmate weeks ago.
But it's supposed to be a real-life competition.
It is.
And in real life, you lose.
I don't get it.
In person, I can't stand to look at Dan, but put him on TV and I can't turn away.
Now that it's just down to me and Jack, I'm suddenly starting to believe I honestly have a shot to win this thing.
Of course, I am incredibly overmatched.
Why is Dan winking so much? You think he's trying to fake cry? Is that--? Yeah, that's Morse code.
Chris.
Jerks won't let me use phone.
Need you to help me win.
Astronaut Sleepaway Camp on the line.
If Elise tries to stop you, tell her to-- Really, Dan? What'd he say? You don't want to know.
Well, I guess I should go help him.
They're about to start the final event.
In an unprecedented turn of events, Kelly has informed the America's Next Top Amazing Bachelor Challenge staff that she's in love with both of you.
And luckily, our staff was able to create the ultimate test to decide who's worthy of Kelly's heart.
Meet the Man Eater.
Two side by side obstacal courses suspended two stories in the air each containing ten that's right ten obstacals.
These roses symbolize her love for you To win, you must be the first to return her love.
Now, the obstacles test both mental and physical strength.
That's why Jack, your obstacle course is all physical tests-- Oh, sweet! And Dan Nothing's going to stand between me and Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
That's the spirit, Dan! But, seriously though, you can't win.
3, 2, 1go! That trashy romance novel is Kelly's favorite book.
Dan's first station is to read it and summarize the book in nineteen words or less.
Jack's opened the mayo jar, And now he's on to the next station, killing a spider.
How am I supposed to read this smut? I'm sure it's just another one of those woman has an affair, husband kills lover, woman and husband live happily ever after type deals.
Ding! Ding! Next station, Dan, you'll be balancing the budget of Paraguay.
What does Paraguay have to do with Kelly? She visited once.
Where are Chris and Elise already? So, when are we gonna go help Dan? Honey, this is reality TV.
If we help Dan, we'd be meddling with reality.
Pass the chips.
I guess you're right.
Besides, even without our help, I think Dan's got a real shot.
My money's on Jack.
He's hot.
There will be Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
Dan, go back to your own course.
No! This is reality TV, and in reality you don't go through some obstacle course to get what you want.
You have to just take it.
No!!!! I needed that rose.
Here ya go.
Ah, the sweet stench of victory! You won, big deal? We'll just have to keep reshooting it until you lose.
Thanks for wasting everyone's time.
(phone rings) One sec.
Uh huh.
Uh huh.
You too.
That was the president of the network.
He just canceled the show.
Apparently the ratings were terrible.
The only thing with less viewers was some Opera Documentary on Public Access.
Guess there won't be a reshoot after all.
I've never had a show cancelled before! Never! Wanted to ruin a reality show, check.
Wanted to ruin Buddy Star's life, check.
Guess the only thing left to do is go to Astronaut Sleepaway Camp.
So, how about I take you on a real date sometime? Dude, I'm married.
Oooh! It's just like I imagined.
Hey, what is this? Everyone, meet Dan.
He's our last contestant on "They Told Me It Was Astronaut Sleepaway Camp But Instead I'm Trapped In A Steal (Dan screams)