Empty Nest (1988) s02e14 Episode Script

Life goes on, and so do we Just how we do it is no mystery Sometimes the answer can be hard to find That's something I will never be I'm always here for anything that you need Rain or shine, I'll be the one To share it all as life goes on We share it all as life goes on Heavy rains and thunderstorms are forecast for the Miami area throughout the day.
It's gonna be a wet Saturday, folks, so be sure to wear your raincoats, and don't forget those umbrel all right, come on, dreyfuss, let's go.
Go, out.
Dreyf, come on.
Look, I know it's raining but you've got to go out sometime.
Rainwater you're afraid of, toilet bowl water you'll drink.
Hey, Harry, you got a tall ladder and a hammer I can use? - What for, Charley? - I got a leak.
I need to get up on your roof and borrow some of your shingles.
Charley, you cannot borrow my shingles.
Come on, you got plenty, your whole roof is covered with them.
Forget the shingles, all right? Come on, pots, go.
You can have some pots.
Good idea.
You know, you got such good insight into these things.
I guess that's why you're the doctor and I'm not.
Okay, we'll see you later.
I gotta figure out how to nail these to my roof.
- Morning, daddy.
- Hi, sweetheart.
So what do you got planned for today? I was gonna play softball, but the game's all rained out.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry.
Well, that's okay, I'll find something else to do.
Anyway, I love the rain.
It makes everything all wet, and shiny, and all brand-new.
Damn rain! I hate the rain.
I had plans to go on a picnic today with a man who I've waited for three months to ask me out.
He just called and canceled.
Now we'll never go out.
We'll never have children.
I'll grow old, alone in my room, waiting with great anticipation for meals on wheels to arrive.
What are you doing today, daddy? Oh, I don't know, dear.
I have a whole lot of work to catch up on at the office with Laverne.
And what are you gonna do? I'm going to make soup, go to bed, and watch depressing movies.
Yee-ha.
Barbara, it's raining, my plans are ruined, obviously the day is shot.
Carol, there is a whole world of things to do out there if you just give it a chance.
You could have a really good time.
Who knows, you might a even meet a guy.
Daddy, would you tell the human happy face over here that life doesn't work that way? Well, honey, wait, let's just think about this for a second.
Now your sister does have a very open, optimistic approach to life.
Wouldn't hurt if a little bit of that rubbed off on you.
Oh, daddy, don't waste your breath.
Carol could never be like me.
Excuse me! It is not too difficult to be like you.
All one has to do is suspend all cognitive functions.
What does that mean? It means to not think and just be.
Yeah, you could never do that.
I certainly could.
Okay, Carol, then I tell you what, you spend the day with me today, my way.
And I'll bet you have a better time for it If you're not chicken.
Oh, Barbara! If you think I'm going to buy into a childish dare like it's the I accept your challenge.
Good, I'll get my coat.
Honey, that's great! I'm proud of you.
Daddy, it's easy.
I mean, I can be open, I can be optimistic.
I don't think it'll work, but I can be that way.
Oh! Good morning, Laverne.
Sorry I'm late, dear.
The rain slowed me down.
I was hit by lightning and still got here on time.
- Yeah, yeah, Laverne.
- Now here are the old files.
Now let's get started cleanin' 'em out.
What is this? A nurse's cap.
Give it to me, I'll throw it out.
Wait a minute! Do you know what this is? This is the cap I gave you to wear the day I hired you six years ago.
Well, better late than never.
Why don't you put it on? Because it's bad luck to wear a hat indoors.
Laverne, you don't really believe that silly superstition.
I don't think it's so silly.
I had a cousin who wore a hat indoors and he got gored by a bull.
That's another thing to watch out for, never let a bull in your house when you're wearing one of them little red hats.
I guess waving that cape around didn't help none, either.
I did get the ear, though.
Unfortunately, it was cousin Guillermo's, wanna see it? No.
Laverne, the point is, on the day I hired you, you agreed to wear a cap.
- I did not.
- You most absolutely did.
I'll tell you exactly what happened.
Don't tell me, I know how you recollect things.
Laverne, I remember that day six years ago as clear as a bell.
There you go.
Nurse McConnell, send in the next applicant, please.
Uh, if this is not a good time I could come back.
No, no, no, no.
Please, come right in.
Come in.
- Dr.
Harry Weston.
- Laverne.
Laverne Todd.
I-I-i beg your pardon, it's just I'm kinda nervous.
It's not often I get to meet a physician of such stature and reputation.
Well, there's absolutely nothing to be nervous about.
Come, come on a second.
Sit down.
You relax.
Okay.
Now Mrs.
Todd Excuse me, dear, you have something in your hair.
- What is that? - Oh, a hayseed.
Thank you, doctor.
Yeah, that's all right.
Now Mrs.
Todd I have allotted five minutes for your interview.
You should know that I always keep on schedule and I run a very, very efficient office.
It's a pity, but the truth is that most nurses cannot keep up with me.
Oh, it's a wonder you need a nurse at all.
Excuse me for just a moment, please.
Hello? Stop crying, Carol.
No, dear, you're not always gonna be unhappy.
You do not have fat ankles.
Let's talk about this when I get home, okay? I love you too, dear.
Bye-bye.
Um, would you care to see my resume? Yes.
That would be just fine.
- Uh, Mrs.
Todd.
- Yes, doctor? To be frank, you fall quite a bit short in the experience department.
I'm afraid you're just not what I'm looking for.
Oh, doctor, I know I'm fresh out of hickory, Arkansas, and in some areas of nursing, I don't know my taters from my grits But if you'll grace me with this opportunity, I promise, what I lack in experience, I'll make up for with hard work, and dedication, and the perkiest upbeat attitude this side of the mississipp.
Mrs.
Todd, may I ask you one question? Consider my life an open book.
Can you start on Monday? Oh, thank you, doctor.
Thank you, big fella.
Oh, now, now, now, just one thing I do run a fairly informal office, but I also do like very much for my nurses to wear a uniform and a cap.
You have no problem with a cap, do you, Mrs.
Todd? A cap? Absolutely not.
I'd love to wear a cap.
Whatever you say, you are the boss.
Very good.
"I'd love to wear a cap, you are the boss.
" Those were your exact words, Laverne.
That is the most bull come my way since cousin Guillermo's little mishap.
You see what happens, Barbara, when you go out driving in the rain with no destination in mind? Things get wet.
Cars break down.
Frizz.
Carol, lighten up.
So the car broke down? Big deal.
It's not the end of the world.
In fact, it makes the day more of an adventure.
Hi, there.
Can I help you? Yes, our car broke down.
I think it's a short in the electrical system, my sister seems to think it's the little man in the engine that goes Well, I hope your sister's right.
We just got those little men in stock.
Ha-ha-ha, how long is this going to take, please? I'll get to it as fast as I can.
I got a couple other cars in front of you.
You see, something good is happening already.
- What? - I think he likes you.
Oh, right, I can see it now.
Mrs.
Carol goodwrench.
You're missing out on a big opportunity.
Barbara, please.
Now come on, let's call a cab and go home.
No! Now you said you were gonna try things my way.
And we just started having fun.
Fine, we'll call a cab, and maybe he'll skid on the way there.
Let's just get out of here.
Oh, great, I don't have any change.
Barbara, don't touch that floor! It's greasy and dirty, and I'm sure there's hair on it! Look what I found! A quarter.
Yes, now you have a quarter.
And along with it, cholera.
Well, this is really neat You didn't have any change, I found this quarter, and now we get a free phone call.
I'm wrong, life is a horn of plenty.
Yeah, it's a huge party, everybody's gonna be there.
No, 12 Vivian Avenue.
Sure, sure, sure.
Bring him along, they won't mind, no problem.
Okay, see you in about 20 minutes.
Carol, did you hear that? A party.
- So? - So I think we should catch a cab and go.
Are you crazy? Why not? He says everybody's gonna be there, it sounds like an open kind of thing.
Barbara, you just don't go to a stranger's house.
They could kill us.
If it looks like they're gonna kill us, we'll leave.
Wow, what a great party.
It is.
It's very nice.
It's more than I could've hoped for.
Now let's get the hell out of here.
What are you talking about? Barbara, this is obviously a very important political function.
This isn't the kind of party you can just walk into, uninvited.
My god, look at me.
I'm wearing jeans.
You're too self-conscious.
Nobody cares about what you look like but you.
Hey, isn't that Ted Kennedy over there? I think so.
I'm gonna go talk to him.
Barbara, you cannot just walk over and talk to Ted Kennedy.
Hey, Ted! Well, I don't believe I've seen you at one of these fundraisers before.
Well, I can explain.
Anyway, I was just about to leave.
Oh, no, please don't.
We've lost too many attractive young women to the Republicans already.
Well, I suppose I could stay a little while longer.
Go WASSERMAN.
- I'm Evan Phillips.
- Carol Weston.
It's a pleasure.
Ah, caviar, Carol? Only if there's champagne to wash it down with, Evan.
Done.
So tell me, Carol What do you think of WASSERMAN? Well, I have read up on his background, and I am particularly impressed with his emphasis on education.
Mm, I couldn't agree with you more.
Although that's probably a bias.
I work at the university, in the rare books department.
Really? Well, you know, a good friend of mine is with the library of congress.
The library of congress! My god, that a dream of mine! Oh, I hope I don't have to meet him today, I'm really not dressed for it.
What do you mean? You look fine.
Trust me, if my sister and I had not just walked in here, I would never be wearing jeans.
- Oh.
- Our little secret.
I wouldn't want the host finding out.
I am the host.
Yeah, that's right, a quarter.
And just when we needed it.
Did you, eh, hear that, eunice? A whole quarter.
Boy, I gotta hand it to you, Barbara, it's your adventuresome spirit that helped make this country great.
There she is.
There's the ringleader.
Uh, wait a minute, sir.
I need my purse to call a cab.
Barbara, where's my purse? I don't have your purse.
Yes you do, yes you do, yes you do! I gave it to you in the cab on the way over.
- Oops.
- Okay, girls, let's go.
Happy, Barbara? Hey, there's al Gore and his wife! Hey, tipper! Oh, I'm soaked! Hey, the celtics won in double overtime last night! - Don't you ever stop? - What do you mean? Look at what's happened to us today.
My car breaks down Obviously Mr.
lugnut has no idea what's wrong with it.
We get thrown out of a party, and my purse is gone With all my money, and I.
D.
, and credit cards.
This is so typical of you, Carol, to look at it this way.
You glossed right over the important part about me finding a quarter.
That's it.
This challenge is off.
I'm sorry I ever agreed in the first place to spend the day in Barbara land.
You know, you think there's a silver lining behind every cloud.
Well, there isn't.
Especially that one up there.
It looks like a Nazi headed right for us.
What, that cute little bunny rabbit cloud? Barbara, I have had it with you and your simplistic child-like optimism.
Life is depressing.
And fraught with danger.
And that is too a Nazi.
Fine, if that's the way you feel about it, I'm leaving.
Barbara, it's raining, you don't have any money, where are you going? That's the difference between you and me, Carol.
I don't know.
Okay, Laverne, who's file is next? Arlene Phelps.
You remember Arlene Phelps? Oh, yeah, she was such a sweet little girl.
Hell, she's out in Hollywood now, she's a big star.
Arlene Phelps? She's apparently seen another doctor since you.
You probably know her as Richard gere.
That is not true.
True as your cockamamie story about this cap.
Laverne, that is exactly what happened.
Was not.
And as long as you brought it up again, I feel it incumbent upon me to set the record straight.
I remember that day just as clear as a bell.
Ah! Nurse McConnell! Nurse McConnell! Are you Where are you? Are you on your lunch hour? Are you on vacation? Uh Oh, at least I'm in the right office this time.
Oh, god.
- Excuse me.
- Oh! My name is Laverne Todd, I believe we had a 12:00 sharp interview.
Ah, yes, well, my watch is a little My watch, my watch I don't have a watch now! How are you? I'm Harry - Weston.
I'm a doctor.
- Yes.
I believe I forwarded my resume along with 40 or 50 letters of recommendation.
Yes, I know.
I have them.
I put them in a very smart place, if you Oh, sorry, that's Okay, they're, um Yes, that's fine.
Okay, ah, here they are.
Here they are.
Fine.
Okay.
Oh.
Ooh-ooh, oh.
Dr.
Benjamin Spock.
This is impressive.
You know, he's always been an idol of mine.
Yes, he's a pioneer in the field of pediatrics.
A true genius.
Your shoe's untied.
Oh, yeah, I always have trouble making bows, you know? Uh, excuse me, miss.
You got a little something in your hair here.
- Oh, a thermometer.
- Yes.
I always like to be prepared.
I'm very impressed.
Excuse me just a moment, please.
Hello? Stop crying, Carol.
No, honey, you're not always gonna be unhappy.
You do not have fat ankles.
No, listen, baby, sweetheart, let's talk about this when I get home.
Okay? I love you too, baby.
All right, bye.
Oh, yes, your interview was, uh Mrs.
Todd, I don't really have to read any more.
If anything, you're highly overqualified for this job.
And I know it's really too much to even hope for but would you please, please be my nurse? Please, please be my nurse? I don't think this is a good idea.
This is not what I had in mind.
And I'm afraid my oh, no, no, please! No, no, no! Don't, stay, don't, stay.
Look, I know I'm a little Scatterbrained and a little disorganized.
But I am, I am a good doctor.
I am.
And with you at my side, I could be a great doctor.
Please help me be a great doctor, Mrs.
Todd.
Oh, all right.
Stop your yakkin', I'll take the job.
Well, this is the happiest day of my life! Now I'll be starting Monday morning at 8:00 sharp.
And I'll expect a nurse's uniform waiting when I get here.
Yes, ma'am, would you like a cap with that uniform? Absolutely not, I don't wear a cap indoors.
It's bad luck.
Oh, listen, whatever you say.
You're the boss.
Thanks a lot.
Excuse me, i this is my Yes, that's right.
You know.
And that's the way it happened.
Laverne, that is the most outrageous pack of exaggerations I have ever heard.
Maybe we just better drop this whole thing for once and for all.
- I will if you will.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- Fine.
- I'm right.
Uh-huh.
Hi.
Had to order a new oil pump for your car.
It'll probably take an hour or two, so how about some lunch? Two hours, great.
The perfect end to a perfect day.
You're not this upset about the car, are you? Eh, it's a long story.
It all started when these plans I had for a picnic fell through because of the rain.
Picnic? Oh, well, if that's all, I think I can help you out.
See a picnic is nothing more than a well-placed blanket, a couple of sandwiches The smells of nature.
Say, something's missing here.
Oh! Mood lighting.
You like it? Yes.
Yes, I do.
It's thoughtful, it's lovely, it's I'm lactose intolerant, you know.
I like this, we're starting to get to know each other.
Tell me more about yourself.
Well, I'm afraid I have very little interest in cars.
Oh, that's too bad.
My first love.
Followed closely by skiing, Indian food, and anything by Hemingway.
Hemingway? You like Hemingway? Hey, cars aren't my life.
I have a lot of interests.
Well, I'm not surprised.
As I told my sister, Barbara, "there is a renaissance man, if I've ever seen one.
" Listen, I'm sorry you had such a bad day.
It isn't such a bad day.
You see, John, I've learned in life that one has to be optimistic.
Focus on the positive.
For example, some people would look up there and see a storm cloud.
I, on the other hand, see a cute little bunny rabbit.
Mm.
That takes care of Victor zarzo's file.
I'm guessing that's the last one.
Yeah.
So what do you want me to do with this hat? Throw it out, or what? Well, obviously we have different memories about this occasion, Laverne.
But, - mine is right.
- Wrong.
- It's right.
- Wrong.
All right, there's Otto.
Otto was here the day I hired you.
Let's ask him.
That's fine with me.
- Yo, Otto! - Yo! Otto Laverne and I were just talking about - the day I hired her.
- Oh, yeah.
Now that would've been, let's see, six years ago.
That's right.
Yeah, you two were in the office, I was out here cleaning.
I remember that day, clear as a bell.
Mm, I wonder if I should switch off to the blue rag or keep going with the red one.
Oh, Otto, Otto.
Listen, Otto, I'm-I'm a very busy man, but I simply had to tell you that your cleaning is nothing less than magnificent.
So please always be our janitor.
Otto Please? Please, Otto.
Please, please, please.
And that's exactly how it went.
And despite many, many other offers, Dr.
Weston, I am still your janitor.
And I thank you, Otto.
Well, I guess we're never gonna know whether I agreed to wear this cap or not.
Well, there is one thing we can agree on, Laverne.
What's that? Cap or not, it's been a terrific six years.
Well, I'll give you that.
Thank you.
See you on Monday! - Bye-bye.
- Bye-bye.
Oh, nurse Todd, there's something else I remember about that day.
You did agree to wear that cap.
Now Otto, I most certainly did not.
What do I do now? She's giving me lip.
Nothing, Otto.
Thanks anyway.