Gary Unmarried (2008) s02e14 Episode Script
Gary Lowers the Bar
Oh, my gosh.
I think I have tennis elbow.
I think--think I have tennis wrist.
I think I have tennis ass.
But I think that happened From when I tried to jump over the net.
I would have gone easier on you, gary, But you said you played tennis all the time.
I do.
I play tennis every day, But the racket's a lot heavier Than those little plastic controllers.
Well, maybe from now on, you and I should stick to indoor sports.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wh-what's this? I only get one arm? I can't--I can't lift it.
You gotta-- There you go.
Knock, knock.
Oops.
Sorry.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hi.
You know what's even better than saying, "knock, knock"? Knocking.
I'll go get the kids.
Great.
Hey, allison.
Hey, sasha.
Nice to see you.
In the morning.
I didn realize you guys were at the sleepover stage.
Oh, no.
We just met for an early tennis date.
Ha! Oh.
You're serious.
Wow.
Yeah.
One time I tried to play tennis with gary.
He was so disappointed the can of balls didn't have pringles in them.
Mm.
Yeah, well, it's true he's not as good as louise.
Boy, that girl can sure power 'em over the net For a girl with arms like a barbie doll.
Ooh.
You--you played tennis with louise? Yeah, last week, after tom and I went to the batting cages.
Huh.
Those two are such a blast.
Yeah.
I know.
I have fun with them all the time.
Last week was movie night, "doctor ivago.
" Tom said, and I quote, "that was the loest movie I've ever seen.
yeah.
So you're preachin' to the choir.
Boy.
Kids'll be out in a minute.
Ok, ok.
I'll just-- I'll be in the car.
Hey, allison.
What? Can I have the kids this weekend? What, on valentine's day? I'd've thought you 2 lovebirds Would have planned to do something alone.
Here's the thing.
Sasha wanted to do something special With tom and louise.
That's all.
Oh.
Really? I scored thiinvitation to this huge new arcade in the valley, And I st think the kids would love it.
Oh, gosh.
An arcade.
In the valley.
Ahh.
Those--I mean, Those places are always so crowded and dirty.
At what point are you gonna get some help? Seriously.
With the germs, you're like a maniac.
You put so many toilet seat covers on the seat, Your feet don't even touch the ground When you go to the ba-- gary.
You know what? I shared a bathroom with you for 15 years.
What exactly was wrong wi the inside of the toilet bowl That was not good enough for your pee.
Huh? What? Hey, guys, you ready to go? Yeah, mom.
Bye, sasha.
Thanks for dog my nails.
Hey, thanks for doin' mine.
Bye, shoe.
See ya, dog.
Wow.
Wow, you got nicknames, huh? We played monopoly last night.
Yeah, tom was the shoe.
I was the dog.
Louise was the top hat.
See ya later, beer cap.
Ha ha.
Beer cap.
Yeah.
We, uh, lost a couple pieces, So I had to borrow one from the checkerboard.
Oh.
So, allison, is it ok if I take them to the arcade? Yeah.
I guess, you know, as long as you Checked it out and they wanna go, ok.
What's wrong with you? What's the worst That could happen? It's an arcade.
Gee, let me see.
The security guy Tackles you to t ground For tipping over the quarte r-pushing machine.
I put, like, $40 in that machine.
I didn't get anything, bubkes, nothin'.
Then an 8-year-old comes by, Puts in one quarter, wi the jackpot? Not on my watch.
All right.
Hey, curtis, what do you thk sounds better, A hot-oil or a 4-handed massage? Oh, gary, didn't you learn your lesson Last time you were in koreatown? It's not for me, curtis, ok? It's for sasha, all right? I thoughit'd be nice for valentine's day, Get her a nice spa gift certificate, ok? And for the record, that place in koreatown, I thought that was legit, all right? And I--I did learn the words in korean For, "let go.
" A spa gift certificate? You been seein' sasha for, like, what, 6 weeks? No, you are under no obligation Honor the big-ticket holidays until at least 3 months in.
I like--I like sasha, though, you know, A lot, and things are going really great.
She's makin' an effort with the kids.
Last night, she played operation with them So long I had to replace the light bulb In that naked fat guy's nose.
Yeah.
Ok, just set the bar low.
If y go crazy and set expectations too high, Then you have to keep outdoing yourself For the restof the relationship.
That's true.
You know, with allison, My first gift was gold earrings.
By the time we'd been together 10 years, She wouldn't take off her bra unless There was a new mercede.
You bought allison a mercedes? No, but after 10 years of marriage, I really Didn't care if the bra was onr not.
I just-- All right.
Ok.
Just don't make the same mistake with sasha, ok If you have to get her anything, set the bar low.
Hey, guys.
Ooh, curtis, I'm loving that new sweater vest.
Hey, gary, this girl is one in a million right here.
You better be treatin' her right.
All right? Mm-hmm.
All righok.
Mm-hmm.
All right, there you go.
I don't know why it took 39 yearsto figu.
hey, gary.
Oh, is that for me? Is it ticking? Why are you here? Because you don't pick up your phone when I call.
Because I have caller I.
D.
I know it's you.
Ok.
Well, if you would have answered, You would know that the kids are grounded, So they're staying with me.
No.
Grounded? Why? Well, why? Because I asked them to take in the groceries From the car.
They put it off Playing video games.
I ended up having To throw away $100 worth of food.
So I'm sorry, but they're not gonna Be able to go to sasha's little arcade night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You can't do this, not this weekend.
Everybody is really lookin' forward to it, allison.
Gary, I'm sorry, but the kids have to learn That there are consequences to their actions.
Besides, you're not the one whose car Is gonna smell like blue cheese for a month.
My van has smelled like blue cheese for, like, 5 years.
I don't care.
That's true.
Why are you sabotaging Sasha's time with the kids? I am not.
Yes, you are.
Please! Anyone who is sleeping with you Is taking a hit for the entire female species, gary.
I mean, I appreciate that, ok? But I-I'm not gonn a- I'm not gonna bend the rules Just because sas has some silly arcade plans.
You're jealous 'cause the kids have fun with sasha.
Ok, why would I be jealous? I am just as much fun as sasha.
No, you're not.
Hey, you know what? You know what? For your information, I, uh--I took the kids to the beach last week.
We all had a great time.
Yeah, I heard about that.
You put so much sunscreen on 'em, They looked like they were in a silent film.
So that's 4 for dinner in the green knight section.
Um, and what time does the joust start? "when the sun is nigh over the hills"? So, like, half past nigh? Ok.
Ok, great.
Hey, gary, I just made dinner reservations for before the arcade, But if you wanna drink, you're gonna have to Bring your own grog.
Sorry.
They lost their quor license After the black knight Shot the r knight in the parking lot.
Sasha, look, I don't think arcade night's gonna happen.
Allison, uh, she grounded the kids.
What? It's terrible.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh, they would have loved it.
I know.
Hey, but I got somethin' that might cheer you up.
Ok? I know we didn't talk a lot about valentine's day, But I--I just went for it.
Gary, that's so sweet.
Oh, you really shouldn't have.
We must on the same page, Because I got somethin' for you, too.
No way.
Yeah.
Awesome.
You open yours first.
Ok.
Ah, that's glued.
You're never gonna get it.
Here.
There you go.
Ok.
Oh, gary, You know it's the thought that counts, right? I really hope you didn't do anything too extravagant.
oh, good.
You didn't.
You got me Wristbands.
Yeah.
And-- and a matching headband.
It'll keep the-- the sweat out of your eyes next time we play tennis.
Wow.
Wristbands.
And a matching headban hee.
Wow.
That's-- it's so practical.
Gary, I don't think mine is quite as-- Oh, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
It's the thought that counts, just like you said.
Oh, my god! An autographed kirk gibson baseball card from 1988! Yeah! Oh, my god! How did you get this? I--I went to a sports memorabilia auction.
The only way I got it was by outbidding kirk gibson.
Whoo! This is awesome! He autographed it! This is wh he hit the home run off of eckersley In the world series, and you got it! This is incredible! This is so I, uh--I don't even know what to say, Except Bo-oi-oi-oing! Ha ha ha ha! Gotcha! You got served.
what are you talking about? You thought that was your real valentine's day present? Oh, it's not? Ha ha ha! No.
That's like a total goofy gift.
What kind of a guy gets his girlfriend wristbands And a matching headbd for valentine's day? Ha ha ha ha ha! You should've seen your face.
Whoo! You were like, " I'm breakin' up with gary brooks.
" I was a little surprised.
You were surprised? Wait how surprised you're gonna be When you see your real gift, whh is at my house right now waiting for you.
Really? Yeah, really.
Ok.
Now I'm getting excited.
Yeah, I hope you wear your min d-explosion-prevention helmet, Because I don't want to be raping pieces Ofute sasha's brains off the ceiling From when you see the present and your head explodes off your body.
Ok, so I should come over around 5:00? Do nothing, because it's already at my house waiting for you, Like just waiting for you to be there.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
Gary, I hope you didn't go overboard.
Don't worry.
I won't.
Curtis, how could you do that to me, man? You sold me down the river with sasha.
You told me to set the bar low.
I made a fool out of myself.
Why? What did you get her? I t her terry cloth wristbands and a matching headband.
A-are you crazy? I didn't mean set it that low.
Seriously, wristbands? And a matching headband.
Why does everybody leave out the headband? That is only a good valentine's day gift If you're dating 1977 john mcenroe.
Are you dating 1977 john mcenroe? No.
Then why did you buy athletic equipment For 1977 john mcenroe? I don't know.
I freaked out.
I made a mistake, ok? But now I'm in deeper trouble, 'cause I told her the real gift is at my house.
Which is Which is what? Tell me, man.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Hey, allison.
What are you doing here? Uh, you're not pickin' up your phone.
Yeah, 'cause I have caller I.
D.
I know it's you.
What was the name of the store the mall that I used to go to Whenever I had a problem with you? Uh, you mean conundrum? Look, I don't like that you use fancy words Now that we're not together anymore.
Just tell me the name of the place, ok? No, gary, the name of the store is called conundrum.
That is the name of the store? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ok, what is all this? Oh.
Well, uh, even though I always have a great time with the ds, Yeah.
Yeah.
I decided to kick it up a notch tonight.
Is all this? "no holds barred.
" Oh, what? So now you have to say things differently? No, you rented the movie "no holds barred.
" It's-- oh.
Hulk hogan and joan severance.
This thing's amazing.
Ok, gary just-- just get out of here And let me have my fun night.
Put it back.
Alternate ending? Are you kidding me? Nobody better breathe a word of what happens Until I see this for myself.
Gary, get out.
I'm leaving.
Get out.
Bye.
Kids, dinner! I got burgers and milkshakes, And I made some cookies for dessert.
But if you want to eat them as an appetizer, go ahead, huh? Maybe it's backwards night.
How crazy is that, right? But I thought we were grounded.
Oh, it doesn't mean you can't have fun.
Well, it does, actually.
You know what? I also-- I alsoot some movies That we could--we could watch all night long if we want.
You know what? Wouldn't that be fun? What are you gs waitin' for? Just dig in.
Go ahead.
Here we go.
So we don't have to worry about growth hormones in meat anymore? Tom, girls like tall guys, ok? What's in this cookie? It tastes weird.
Oh, uh, real sugar and white flour.
I know.
And you know what? Whenou guys brush your teeth tonight, I'm not even gonna time you.
Right? Arthese r-rated movies? Yeah.
I just got you guys all the stuff You been begging me to see.
Uh, the pg-13 ones are for louise.
But I'm not even 13.
Mom, are you having a nervous breakdown? No.
No, honey, I'm not.
These movies are full of sex and violence.
Ok? And thinking about either one is gonna keep me up all night.
Ok, and you're the one who's always talking about the correlation Between sleep deprivation and poor performance in school.
Ok, so what? Are you giving up on me? Am I that far gone? Oh, honey, come on, tom.
No.
You know what, mom? You're scaring me.
Oh, my gosh.
I may as well put this sugar high to good use.
I'm going to go to my room and learn latin before I crash.
But you guys! You guys, look! You didn't even-- you didn't see the video game I got.
"resident evil 5.
" Look.
Whoever kills the most zombies Doesn't have to take their calcium supplement! I'm tellin' you, curtis, in spite of what you told me, I was able to fix things with sasha, ok? I went to the mall, my old reliable spot.
I was able to right the ship.
But, hey, word of advice.
Don't stop at the hair-extension kiosk Unless you wanna come home with a fake ponytail.
All right, I gotta go.
See yolater.
Hey, gary.
Hi.
Hey, what's up? Come on in.
Ooh.
Am I here to watch you sign the declaration of independence? I can't get it out.
I need your help.
Ok.
Ow, ow, ow.
That hurts a lot.
There you go.
Ok.
Here.
Come on in.
Sorry I'm late.
I would have called But I decided not to sweat it.
Ah ha ha! Yeah! Right? Those things.
L-o-l.
I can't believe you thought that was your real gift.
Which means you're really gonna go crazy when you see Your real valentine's day gift.
Ah hah hah.
Ooh.
I love the store, conundrum.
Yeah, it's nice.
I got you a gift receipt for you, In case you wanna return it, But I think their printer was broken, 'cause they put today's date on, Even though, you know, I bought this, Like, 2 weeks ago.
So whatever.
That's weird.
Ok.
Oh, gary, what a beautiful locket.
That's right.
You know, I saw that, It just said sasha.
Oh ho ho.
I love it.
Thank you.
Open it up.
There's a picture inside.
Ohh! What a cute picture of louise.
Yeah.
That's me, actually.
I was--I was a pretty scrawny kid.
Oh.
Gary, it's perfect.
Thank you.
Hi, dad.
Oh, goodness gracious.
What are you guys doing here? Mom.
Yeah, she told us to get in the car, And I didn't ask questions.
I was afraid she was trying To stuff a twinkie in my mouth.
Hey, gary.
Hey, sasha.
Uh, I just wanted to let everyone know That arcade night is back on.
So gget your stuff.
What? Yay! All right! Thank you, allison.
That's great.
Yeah.
You know what? We were havin' such a great time At my house.
I thought, you know, It's just not even fair to have the fun stop there, So have at them, you know.
Let the good times roll.
With antibacterial hand spray.
Rit there.
Great.
Well, we should probably get going So the kids have more time to play before they close.
Yeah, I'll go put the champagne in the fridge.
Aw, yeah.
You know, I, u h- I need to sit down a second.
Are you ok?Yeah.
I just, uh I think I poisoned myself with processed mts And preservative-laced dairy, but-- I'm gonna be fine once I puke.
Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
Wh-- Wow.
That's, um-- hmm? That's a really interesting locket.
Oh, this? Ah, yeah.
Gary actually gave this to me.
Yeah.
A locket was always his "get out of the ghouse" gift.
Yeah.
As--as I recall, I think he gave this to me When he went out drinking for oktoberfest.
He didn't come home till November.
Mmm.
His "get out of the doghouse gift," huh? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So if you ever get in a fight with him Or if he screws up, you can always count On a piece of jewelry comin' your way.
Yeah.
Seems like a pretty safe bet.
We're ready.
We're ready.
Ok, kids.
Let's go.
All right, allison.
Well, see you later.
Tell gary I love my locket as much as I love yours.
What? Aren't you gonna wait for gary? Oh, crap.
Where's, uh-- where's sasha? Uh, she left for the arcade with the kids.
Without saying good-bye? That's a little bizarre, don't you think? Yeah.
Yeah, I think she's a little mad.
Ah, I don't think so,not after .
Allison, is that-- mine.
And you decided to-- yeah.
Am I-- oh, so much.
Gaah! Why would you wear it here, now? How was I supposed to know? I don't have a crystal ball of stupidity.
The only one I know of is attached to your neck.
I gotta go get her.
Sasha! Oh, man, I hope it's not too late.
It's too late.
She's gone.
That's great.
The locket was supposed to be The gift to make everything better.
Now erything's a million times worse.
Why is it so hard to find the perfect gift? Gary, it's because of the way you buy a gift.
You always have an agenda-- Lowering someone's expectations, Getting someone to forgive you, Getting someone to have sex with you.
That's what gifts are for.
Ok, gary, Sten to me.
You don't give someone a gift to get something in return.
You give them a gift to show them how you feel about them.
What? When did this start? Ok, Why don't yo have it start tonight? You're right.
I gotta get to the arcade.
To tell her To tell her what? Why won't anybody finish a sentence? Quit cutting me off.
Ah, women drivers.
Women drivers? Your character's a girl.
I like what she's wearing.
Oh.
There's sasha.
Go talk to her.
Yeah, I don't thinso.
She's holding a mallet.
Gary, you'll be fine.
That's what you said at the grand canyon When you kept telling me to back up to get my picture taken.
So you, uh-- you have the thing? Yeah, I got the thing.
All rit, well, go.
Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
Bet you're pretty mad, huh? Yeah, little bit.
Well, all I have to say to that is bo-oi-oing.
Bu-whup.
I got you again.
Because the locket-- Why am I even doing this? It barely worked that one time.
I'm sorry.
I got you those wristbands, And I just freaked out, and I tried to fix it the only way I know how.
I'm sorry, ok? And I just freaked out, gary, I'm not so much madx it as I am embarrassed, ok?Now how.
Because the difference in our gifts clearly show That you don't feel the same way about me As I feel about you, and that's fine.
I mean, we haven't-- Sa-sasha, I didn't want to go too far too fast with the first gift, So I was gonna set the bar low.
I could have set it a lot lower.
You don't know how close you came To getting an e-card with a singing and dancing pickle, ok? Look, gary, let's-- let's just forget the whole thing, ok? Let's forget valentine's day ever happened.
I won't even say, "valentine's day.
" From now on, I'm just gonna say, "v.
D.
" ok? Ok.
You know what's great about v.
D.
? Is that it brought you and I closer together.
Uh, I got somethin' for you.
Uh, actually, why don't you put down the mallet in case you don't like it.
You know that machine, you put $5.
00 in it, And they give you a penny with a message on it? "I butt you"? Yeah.
The heart came out upside down, But that's how I feel, so This is a perfect gift.
And just for the record, I butt you, too.
There you guys are.
How you doing, allison? You vin' fun? Yeah, I'm tryin'.
Look at me eatin' a hot dog, huh? Ah-choo.
Uh.
I was eating a hot dog.
Here.
Hey, the-- the mechanical bull is 18 and over.
One of you's gotta try it.
Not me, little man.
Once I tried a mechanical bull, I had to sit on fron peas for a week.
Mom? What? A mechanical bull, and get thrown And spun around in every direction.
Ah Sasha? No way.
I can never stay on those things.
It's way too hard.
Show me the bull.
I can take it easy on you if you like.
What, are you kidding? Kids are over there watchin'.
There you go.
Tom: All right.
Good luck, mom.
Yeah.
L right.
Ohh! Go, mom! Tom: All right! All right, allison.
Whoo! Go, mom! Allison, watch out! Your shirt! Allison, your shir-- oh, and they're out.
I think I have tennis elbow.
I think--think I have tennis wrist.
I think I have tennis ass.
But I think that happened From when I tried to jump over the net.
I would have gone easier on you, gary, But you said you played tennis all the time.
I do.
I play tennis every day, But the racket's a lot heavier Than those little plastic controllers.
Well, maybe from now on, you and I should stick to indoor sports.
Wow.
Yeah.
Wh-what's this? I only get one arm? I can't--I can't lift it.
You gotta-- There you go.
Knock, knock.
Oops.
Sorry.
Oh.
Yeah.
Hi.
You know what's even better than saying, "knock, knock"? Knocking.
I'll go get the kids.
Great.
Hey, allison.
Hey, sasha.
Nice to see you.
In the morning.
I didn realize you guys were at the sleepover stage.
Oh, no.
We just met for an early tennis date.
Ha! Oh.
You're serious.
Wow.
Yeah.
One time I tried to play tennis with gary.
He was so disappointed the can of balls didn't have pringles in them.
Mm.
Yeah, well, it's true he's not as good as louise.
Boy, that girl can sure power 'em over the net For a girl with arms like a barbie doll.
Ooh.
You--you played tennis with louise? Yeah, last week, after tom and I went to the batting cages.
Huh.
Those two are such a blast.
Yeah.
I know.
I have fun with them all the time.
Last week was movie night, "doctor ivago.
" Tom said, and I quote, "that was the loest movie I've ever seen.
yeah.
So you're preachin' to the choir.
Boy.
Kids'll be out in a minute.
Ok, ok.
I'll just-- I'll be in the car.
Hey, allison.
What? Can I have the kids this weekend? What, on valentine's day? I'd've thought you 2 lovebirds Would have planned to do something alone.
Here's the thing.
Sasha wanted to do something special With tom and louise.
That's all.
Oh.
Really? I scored thiinvitation to this huge new arcade in the valley, And I st think the kids would love it.
Oh, gosh.
An arcade.
In the valley.
Ahh.
Those--I mean, Those places are always so crowded and dirty.
At what point are you gonna get some help? Seriously.
With the germs, you're like a maniac.
You put so many toilet seat covers on the seat, Your feet don't even touch the ground When you go to the ba-- gary.
You know what? I shared a bathroom with you for 15 years.
What exactly was wrong wi the inside of the toilet bowl That was not good enough for your pee.
Huh? What? Hey, guys, you ready to go? Yeah, mom.
Bye, sasha.
Thanks for dog my nails.
Hey, thanks for doin' mine.
Bye, shoe.
See ya, dog.
Wow.
Wow, you got nicknames, huh? We played monopoly last night.
Yeah, tom was the shoe.
I was the dog.
Louise was the top hat.
See ya later, beer cap.
Ha ha.
Beer cap.
Yeah.
We, uh, lost a couple pieces, So I had to borrow one from the checkerboard.
Oh.
So, allison, is it ok if I take them to the arcade? Yeah.
I guess, you know, as long as you Checked it out and they wanna go, ok.
What's wrong with you? What's the worst That could happen? It's an arcade.
Gee, let me see.
The security guy Tackles you to t ground For tipping over the quarte r-pushing machine.
I put, like, $40 in that machine.
I didn't get anything, bubkes, nothin'.
Then an 8-year-old comes by, Puts in one quarter, wi the jackpot? Not on my watch.
All right.
Hey, curtis, what do you thk sounds better, A hot-oil or a 4-handed massage? Oh, gary, didn't you learn your lesson Last time you were in koreatown? It's not for me, curtis, ok? It's for sasha, all right? I thoughit'd be nice for valentine's day, Get her a nice spa gift certificate, ok? And for the record, that place in koreatown, I thought that was legit, all right? And I--I did learn the words in korean For, "let go.
" A spa gift certificate? You been seein' sasha for, like, what, 6 weeks? No, you are under no obligation Honor the big-ticket holidays until at least 3 months in.
I like--I like sasha, though, you know, A lot, and things are going really great.
She's makin' an effort with the kids.
Last night, she played operation with them So long I had to replace the light bulb In that naked fat guy's nose.
Yeah.
Ok, just set the bar low.
If y go crazy and set expectations too high, Then you have to keep outdoing yourself For the restof the relationship.
That's true.
You know, with allison, My first gift was gold earrings.
By the time we'd been together 10 years, She wouldn't take off her bra unless There was a new mercede.
You bought allison a mercedes? No, but after 10 years of marriage, I really Didn't care if the bra was onr not.
I just-- All right.
Ok.
Just don't make the same mistake with sasha, ok If you have to get her anything, set the bar low.
Hey, guys.
Ooh, curtis, I'm loving that new sweater vest.
Hey, gary, this girl is one in a million right here.
You better be treatin' her right.
All right? Mm-hmm.
All righok.
Mm-hmm.
All right, there you go.
I don't know why it took 39 yearsto figu.
hey, gary.
Oh, is that for me? Is it ticking? Why are you here? Because you don't pick up your phone when I call.
Because I have caller I.
D.
I know it's you.
Ok.
Well, if you would have answered, You would know that the kids are grounded, So they're staying with me.
No.
Grounded? Why? Well, why? Because I asked them to take in the groceries From the car.
They put it off Playing video games.
I ended up having To throw away $100 worth of food.
So I'm sorry, but they're not gonna Be able to go to sasha's little arcade night.
Oh, no, no, no, no.
You can't do this, not this weekend.
Everybody is really lookin' forward to it, allison.
Gary, I'm sorry, but the kids have to learn That there are consequences to their actions.
Besides, you're not the one whose car Is gonna smell like blue cheese for a month.
My van has smelled like blue cheese for, like, 5 years.
I don't care.
That's true.
Why are you sabotaging Sasha's time with the kids? I am not.
Yes, you are.
Please! Anyone who is sleeping with you Is taking a hit for the entire female species, gary.
I mean, I appreciate that, ok? But I-I'm not gonn a- I'm not gonna bend the rules Just because sas has some silly arcade plans.
You're jealous 'cause the kids have fun with sasha.
Ok, why would I be jealous? I am just as much fun as sasha.
No, you're not.
Hey, you know what? You know what? For your information, I, uh--I took the kids to the beach last week.
We all had a great time.
Yeah, I heard about that.
You put so much sunscreen on 'em, They looked like they were in a silent film.
So that's 4 for dinner in the green knight section.
Um, and what time does the joust start? "when the sun is nigh over the hills"? So, like, half past nigh? Ok.
Ok, great.
Hey, gary, I just made dinner reservations for before the arcade, But if you wanna drink, you're gonna have to Bring your own grog.
Sorry.
They lost their quor license After the black knight Shot the r knight in the parking lot.
Sasha, look, I don't think arcade night's gonna happen.
Allison, uh, she grounded the kids.
What? It's terrible.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
Oh, they would have loved it.
I know.
Hey, but I got somethin' that might cheer you up.
Ok? I know we didn't talk a lot about valentine's day, But I--I just went for it.
Gary, that's so sweet.
Oh, you really shouldn't have.
We must on the same page, Because I got somethin' for you, too.
No way.
Yeah.
Awesome.
You open yours first.
Ok.
Ah, that's glued.
You're never gonna get it.
Here.
There you go.
Ok.
Oh, gary, You know it's the thought that counts, right? I really hope you didn't do anything too extravagant.
oh, good.
You didn't.
You got me Wristbands.
Yeah.
And-- and a matching headband.
It'll keep the-- the sweat out of your eyes next time we play tennis.
Wow.
Wristbands.
And a matching headban hee.
Wow.
That's-- it's so practical.
Gary, I don't think mine is quite as-- Oh, no, no, no.
Uh-uh.
It's the thought that counts, just like you said.
Oh, my god! An autographed kirk gibson baseball card from 1988! Yeah! Oh, my god! How did you get this? I--I went to a sports memorabilia auction.
The only way I got it was by outbidding kirk gibson.
Whoo! This is awesome! He autographed it! This is wh he hit the home run off of eckersley In the world series, and you got it! This is incredible! This is so I, uh--I don't even know what to say, Except Bo-oi-oi-oing! Ha ha ha ha! Gotcha! You got served.
what are you talking about? You thought that was your real valentine's day present? Oh, it's not? Ha ha ha! No.
That's like a total goofy gift.
What kind of a guy gets his girlfriend wristbands And a matching headbd for valentine's day? Ha ha ha ha ha! You should've seen your face.
Whoo! You were like, " I'm breakin' up with gary brooks.
" I was a little surprised.
You were surprised? Wait how surprised you're gonna be When you see your real gift, whh is at my house right now waiting for you.
Really? Yeah, really.
Ok.
Now I'm getting excited.
Yeah, I hope you wear your min d-explosion-prevention helmet, Because I don't want to be raping pieces Ofute sasha's brains off the ceiling From when you see the present and your head explodes off your body.
Ok, so I should come over around 5:00? Do nothing, because it's already at my house waiting for you, Like just waiting for you to be there.
Ok.
All right.
Ok.
Gary, I hope you didn't go overboard.
Don't worry.
I won't.
Curtis, how could you do that to me, man? You sold me down the river with sasha.
You told me to set the bar low.
I made a fool out of myself.
Why? What did you get her? I t her terry cloth wristbands and a matching headband.
A-are you crazy? I didn't mean set it that low.
Seriously, wristbands? And a matching headband.
Why does everybody leave out the headband? That is only a good valentine's day gift If you're dating 1977 john mcenroe.
Are you dating 1977 john mcenroe? No.
Then why did you buy athletic equipment For 1977 john mcenroe? I don't know.
I freaked out.
I made a mistake, ok? But now I'm in deeper trouble, 'cause I told her the real gift is at my house.
Which is Which is what? Tell me, man.
Don't leave me hangin'.
Hey, allison.
What are you doing here? Uh, you're not pickin' up your phone.
Yeah, 'cause I have caller I.
D.
I know it's you.
What was the name of the store the mall that I used to go to Whenever I had a problem with you? Uh, you mean conundrum? Look, I don't like that you use fancy words Now that we're not together anymore.
Just tell me the name of the place, ok? No, gary, the name of the store is called conundrum.
That is the name of the store? Yeah.
Yeah.
Ok, what is all this? Oh.
Well, uh, even though I always have a great time with the ds, Yeah.
Yeah.
I decided to kick it up a notch tonight.
Is all this? "no holds barred.
" Oh, what? So now you have to say things differently? No, you rented the movie "no holds barred.
" It's-- oh.
Hulk hogan and joan severance.
This thing's amazing.
Ok, gary just-- just get out of here And let me have my fun night.
Put it back.
Alternate ending? Are you kidding me? Nobody better breathe a word of what happens Until I see this for myself.
Gary, get out.
I'm leaving.
Get out.
Bye.
Kids, dinner! I got burgers and milkshakes, And I made some cookies for dessert.
But if you want to eat them as an appetizer, go ahead, huh? Maybe it's backwards night.
How crazy is that, right? But I thought we were grounded.
Oh, it doesn't mean you can't have fun.
Well, it does, actually.
You know what? I also-- I alsoot some movies That we could--we could watch all night long if we want.
You know what? Wouldn't that be fun? What are you gs waitin' for? Just dig in.
Go ahead.
Here we go.
So we don't have to worry about growth hormones in meat anymore? Tom, girls like tall guys, ok? What's in this cookie? It tastes weird.
Oh, uh, real sugar and white flour.
I know.
And you know what? Whenou guys brush your teeth tonight, I'm not even gonna time you.
Right? Arthese r-rated movies? Yeah.
I just got you guys all the stuff You been begging me to see.
Uh, the pg-13 ones are for louise.
But I'm not even 13.
Mom, are you having a nervous breakdown? No.
No, honey, I'm not.
These movies are full of sex and violence.
Ok? And thinking about either one is gonna keep me up all night.
Ok, and you're the one who's always talking about the correlation Between sleep deprivation and poor performance in school.
Ok, so what? Are you giving up on me? Am I that far gone? Oh, honey, come on, tom.
No.
You know what, mom? You're scaring me.
Oh, my gosh.
I may as well put this sugar high to good use.
I'm going to go to my room and learn latin before I crash.
But you guys! You guys, look! You didn't even-- you didn't see the video game I got.
"resident evil 5.
" Look.
Whoever kills the most zombies Doesn't have to take their calcium supplement! I'm tellin' you, curtis, in spite of what you told me, I was able to fix things with sasha, ok? I went to the mall, my old reliable spot.
I was able to right the ship.
But, hey, word of advice.
Don't stop at the hair-extension kiosk Unless you wanna come home with a fake ponytail.
All right, I gotta go.
See yolater.
Hey, gary.
Hi.
Hey, what's up? Come on in.
Ooh.
Am I here to watch you sign the declaration of independence? I can't get it out.
I need your help.
Ok.
Ow, ow, ow.
That hurts a lot.
There you go.
Ok.
Here.
Come on in.
Sorry I'm late.
I would have called But I decided not to sweat it.
Ah ha ha! Yeah! Right? Those things.
L-o-l.
I can't believe you thought that was your real gift.
Which means you're really gonna go crazy when you see Your real valentine's day gift.
Ah hah hah.
Ooh.
I love the store, conundrum.
Yeah, it's nice.
I got you a gift receipt for you, In case you wanna return it, But I think their printer was broken, 'cause they put today's date on, Even though, you know, I bought this, Like, 2 weeks ago.
So whatever.
That's weird.
Ok.
Oh, gary, what a beautiful locket.
That's right.
You know, I saw that, It just said sasha.
Oh ho ho.
I love it.
Thank you.
Open it up.
There's a picture inside.
Ohh! What a cute picture of louise.
Yeah.
That's me, actually.
I was--I was a pretty scrawny kid.
Oh.
Gary, it's perfect.
Thank you.
Hi, dad.
Oh, goodness gracious.
What are you guys doing here? Mom.
Yeah, she told us to get in the car, And I didn't ask questions.
I was afraid she was trying To stuff a twinkie in my mouth.
Hey, gary.
Hey, sasha.
Uh, I just wanted to let everyone know That arcade night is back on.
So gget your stuff.
What? Yay! All right! Thank you, allison.
That's great.
Yeah.
You know what? We were havin' such a great time At my house.
I thought, you know, It's just not even fair to have the fun stop there, So have at them, you know.
Let the good times roll.
With antibacterial hand spray.
Rit there.
Great.
Well, we should probably get going So the kids have more time to play before they close.
Yeah, I'll go put the champagne in the fridge.
Aw, yeah.
You know, I, u h- I need to sit down a second.
Are you ok?Yeah.
I just, uh I think I poisoned myself with processed mts And preservative-laced dairy, but-- I'm gonna be fine once I puke.
Yeah.
It's gonna be good.
Wh-- Wow.
That's, um-- hmm? That's a really interesting locket.
Oh, this? Ah, yeah.
Gary actually gave this to me.
Yeah.
A locket was always his "get out of the ghouse" gift.
Yeah.
As--as I recall, I think he gave this to me When he went out drinking for oktoberfest.
He didn't come home till November.
Mmm.
His "get out of the doghouse gift," huh? Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
So if you ever get in a fight with him Or if he screws up, you can always count On a piece of jewelry comin' your way.
Yeah.
Seems like a pretty safe bet.
We're ready.
We're ready.
Ok, kids.
Let's go.
All right, allison.
Well, see you later.
Tell gary I love my locket as much as I love yours.
What? Aren't you gonna wait for gary? Oh, crap.
Where's, uh-- where's sasha? Uh, she left for the arcade with the kids.
Without saying good-bye? That's a little bizarre, don't you think? Yeah.
Yeah, I think she's a little mad.
Ah, I don't think so,not after .
Allison, is that-- mine.
And you decided to-- yeah.
Am I-- oh, so much.
Gaah! Why would you wear it here, now? How was I supposed to know? I don't have a crystal ball of stupidity.
The only one I know of is attached to your neck.
I gotta go get her.
Sasha! Oh, man, I hope it's not too late.
It's too late.
She's gone.
That's great.
The locket was supposed to be The gift to make everything better.
Now erything's a million times worse.
Why is it so hard to find the perfect gift? Gary, it's because of the way you buy a gift.
You always have an agenda-- Lowering someone's expectations, Getting someone to forgive you, Getting someone to have sex with you.
That's what gifts are for.
Ok, gary, Sten to me.
You don't give someone a gift to get something in return.
You give them a gift to show them how you feel about them.
What? When did this start? Ok, Why don't yo have it start tonight? You're right.
I gotta get to the arcade.
To tell her To tell her what? Why won't anybody finish a sentence? Quit cutting me off.
Ah, women drivers.
Women drivers? Your character's a girl.
I like what she's wearing.
Oh.
There's sasha.
Go talk to her.
Yeah, I don't thinso.
She's holding a mallet.
Gary, you'll be fine.
That's what you said at the grand canyon When you kept telling me to back up to get my picture taken.
So you, uh-- you have the thing? Yeah, I got the thing.
All rit, well, go.
Hi.
Oh.
Hi.
Bet you're pretty mad, huh? Yeah, little bit.
Well, all I have to say to that is bo-oi-oing.
Bu-whup.
I got you again.
Because the locket-- Why am I even doing this? It barely worked that one time.
I'm sorry.
I got you those wristbands, And I just freaked out, and I tried to fix it the only way I know how.
I'm sorry, ok? And I just freaked out, gary, I'm not so much madx it as I am embarrassed, ok?Now how.
Because the difference in our gifts clearly show That you don't feel the same way about me As I feel about you, and that's fine.
I mean, we haven't-- Sa-sasha, I didn't want to go too far too fast with the first gift, So I was gonna set the bar low.
I could have set it a lot lower.
You don't know how close you came To getting an e-card with a singing and dancing pickle, ok? Look, gary, let's-- let's just forget the whole thing, ok? Let's forget valentine's day ever happened.
I won't even say, "valentine's day.
" From now on, I'm just gonna say, "v.
D.
" ok? Ok.
You know what's great about v.
D.
? Is that it brought you and I closer together.
Uh, I got somethin' for you.
Uh, actually, why don't you put down the mallet in case you don't like it.
You know that machine, you put $5.
00 in it, And they give you a penny with a message on it? "I butt you"? Yeah.
The heart came out upside down, But that's how I feel, so This is a perfect gift.
And just for the record, I butt you, too.
There you guys are.
How you doing, allison? You vin' fun? Yeah, I'm tryin'.
Look at me eatin' a hot dog, huh? Ah-choo.
Uh.
I was eating a hot dog.
Here.
Hey, the-- the mechanical bull is 18 and over.
One of you's gotta try it.
Not me, little man.
Once I tried a mechanical bull, I had to sit on fron peas for a week.
Mom? What? A mechanical bull, and get thrown And spun around in every direction.
Ah Sasha? No way.
I can never stay on those things.
It's way too hard.
Show me the bull.
I can take it easy on you if you like.
What, are you kidding? Kids are over there watchin'.
There you go.
Tom: All right.
Good luck, mom.
Yeah.
L right.
Ohh! Go, mom! Tom: All right! All right, allison.
Whoo! Go, mom! Allison, watch out! Your shirt! Allison, your shir-- oh, and they're out.