Ghosts (2021) s02e14 Episode Script

1
Good morning, Thor.
What's going on here?
Jay's taking the guests fishing,
then he's going to cook for
them whatever they catch.
Part of new Experience Package.
They're calling it "Bait-to-Plate."
My coinage.
Oh, my God, I think I got something.
- [LAUGHING]
- [WHOOPS] You guys are gonna eat so well tonight.
[DAVIS AND EILEEN LAUGHING]
DAVIS: Is that a human skull?
Of course it is.
That probably end of Bait-to-Plate.
♪
Okay, so, some pretty big ghost news.
We finally heard back from the coroner,
who, frankly, we have spoken to
way too many times since we moved in.
- How is Marvin?
- SAMANTHA: Oh, he's good.
Yeah, Michelle's good, kids are good.
- Aw.
- Girl, can we get on with it?
Okay, well, not a huge
shock, since we all know
his finance bros dumped
his body in the lake, but
the skull that was found
turns out to be Trevor's.
Knew it! You see that chiseled jaw bone?
You could slice brisket with that thing.
Congratulations, Trevor,
or my condolences.
As an etiquette stickler,
I confess I'm at a loss.
FLOWER: Sam, there's an older couple
walking in, arguing about where
to get the best bagel in Manhattan.
It's obviously Ess-a-Bagel.
Yeah, that's what the guy said.
LENNY: What are you talking about?
Russ & Daughters? Are you a tourist?
We're both tourists, Lenny.
We live in New Jersey.
Oh, my God. It's my parents.
- [GASPS]
- The mishpucha?
We've all been here way too long.
What did I tell you?
You weren't lying.
These are some of the
best ants I've ever seen.
And you know your boy
Pete's seen some ants.
Well, then, welcome to the
ant-watching club, Peter.
We meet Wednesdays, Saturdays,
and any time Samantha
brings us an apple core.
ISAAC: Uh, Nigel,
can we get back to our walk?
I'm not interested in watching ants,
or having your ex-lover
stare at me weirdly.
This is just how I stare.
I know no other way.
NIGEL: Okay, we can go.
But if Kevin or any of the ants
from the McGregor clan show
up, you come get me immediately.
[LAUGHS] Like I wouldn't.
JENKINS: Enjoy your walk.
I'll be here waiting,
something I'm very good at.
Man, I am loving it here in the shed.
We are so lucky Nigel
and Isaac started dating.
We'll see how long that lasts.
Excuse me?
Oh, no, I shouldn't say anything more.
I mean, if I told you
Nigel and I liaisoned on Christmas Eve,
it'd surely get back to
Oops. Pretend you didn't hear.
What do you mean "liaisoned"?
I guess you'll just have
to ask Nigel, won't you?
Let those lips tell you themselves
what they've been up to.
ESTHER: And then he went missing,
and they never found the body.
At least now we finally
have his remains.
It's a little bit of closure.
Anyway, we thought we'd just
stop by to walk the grounds,
you know, where he's been all this time.
TREVOR: Wow, this is depressing.
Sam, jump in with
something here, please.
Uh, do you have any pictures?
I know we'd love to
see pictures of Trevor.
ALBERTA: Mm-hmm.
- Oh, I have some on my phone.
- [LAUGHS]
Our-our-our son Jeremy
uploaded them from my cloud.
- Ooh. What's he up to?
- Wh what does Jeremy do?
Well, he sleeps till noon
and calls when he needs money.
[LAUGHS] That checks out.
Oh, here's Trevor as a toddler.
- Look at that punim.
- And that tiny shmeckel.
Hey, that's a respectable
shmeckel for a two-year-old.
Ooh, Respectable Shmeckel.
Good band name.
Uh, have you ever worn pants?
Wait a minute. Is that him
with a cardboard cutout of Mel Gibson?
Yeah, it's his bar mitzvah. [LAUGHS]
The theme was Mel Gibson movies.
- [JAY EXHALES]
- Yeah, we we didn't know
about Mel yet at that time.
What's to know? He's awesome.
Ooh, ask if they're still
in my childhood home.
Do you still live in the
home where Trevor grew up?
I still do.
Lenny moved into a
condo after the divorce.
- What?
- Oh. I'm sorry. You're not married.
LENNY: No, it's okay.
It's-it's-it's been a long time.
I come from a broken home?
I'm a ghost of divorce?
ALBERTA [LAUGHING]: Ooh, honey,
this is one juicy conundrum.
Do we let Isaac know
what Jenkins told y'all,
or do we let him live
in blissful ignorance?
Peter, as our resident cuckold,
what do you think we should do?
Would you have wanted to know
about your wife cheating on you?
Look, being totally honest,
finding out was one of the
worst days of my afterlife.
I kind of wish I never knew.
But if Isaac knew, at least
he'd be able to deal with it.
- Deal with what?
- Hi.
- Hmm?
- We're trying to figure out whether to tell Isaac
that Nigel cheated on him.
What?
I know. It's a toughie.
Look, Isaac, um, after
you left the shed,
Jenkins told Thor and
I that on Christmas Eve,
when you and Nigel
were briefly broken up,
Jenkins and Nigel liaisoned.
What does that mean?
He mentioned something about lips
and then did this
thing with his eyebrows,
and it didn't seem great.
And that's coming from a famous cuckold.
Hey, your spouse cheated, too!
I'm a lady. That's to be expected.
Your thing's just weird and sad.
I can't believe this.
My parents are divorced,
Mel Gibson's a monster.
What the hell is going on in the world?
I get it. It was tough for me
when my parents got divorced.
Oh, was sort of expecting
a comforting follow-up.
I guess we're just getting information.
It doesn't make any sense.
They were the perfect couple.
And it seemed like there
was still a spark, right?
That's the thing about divorce.
There's those moments where the
two people see each other again
at some family event, like a
a graduation or a dance recital,
and you think there's a chance
they could get back together.
Again, it just never
takes that uplifting turn.
But what if the recital didn't end?
Yes. Wait, what do you mean?
We throw a memorial for me.
And my parents stay here at the
B&B for the whole weekend
while we manipulate them back into love.
Are you suggesting we Parent Trap them
from beyond the grave?
Okay, I don't like where this is headed.
That's exactly what I'm suggesting.
Using insider information
from their dearly departed son,
you will create the
perfect romantic scenario.
- Oh.
- And before you know it
Boom. The mishpucha is back together.
I don't know that this'll
work, but we got to try.
Okay, time-out.
Can we just let these old people be?
I mean, they got divorced for a reason.
Yeah, the reason was me.
You heard them. They split
up right after my death.
If this is my fault, then I
need to be the one who fixes it.
Trevor thinks it was his fault,
and he wants a chance to fix it.
You're not gonna deny him that, are you?
Okay, fine. Let's set a
parent trap for these two.
THORFINN: Very difficult
to build trap big enough
to capture both parents.
But if you succeed,
you and small man eat like kings.
What is wrong with you?
How's Operation Parent Trap going?
Not exactly sparks yet.
So, Sunday, maybe we take 87 back?
That sounds fine.
Talk does not get
much smaller than that.
Sam, get in here!
These alte kakers need wine, stat!
Oh, this is so nerve-racking.
If these two don't end up together,
Trevor will never be born!
We never should have showed
her Back to the Future.
Here is some wine.
- Ah.
- Oh, thank you.
Something smells delicious.
What are we having?
- SAMANTHA: It's red snapper.
- Red snapper, Ma.
They had it every year
on their anniversary.
We used to have that every
year on our anniversary.
That's because, on our
honeymoon, we went to Acapulco.
- Right.
- And the two things on the menu at the resort
was pork and red snapper.
Well, this thawing seems
like a very positive sign.
Now play "The Best of
Times" from the musical
La Cage aux Folles.
["THE BEST OF TIMES" PLAYING]
Oh, my God. Esther, do you hear it?
This was our song.
We used to sing this song
at every family occasion.
Including Trevor's bar mitzvah.
I insisted we all do it in an
Australian accent to honor Mel.
What a lovely tradition.
It was.
It was. [SIGHS]
We had some good times.
Didn't we, Esther?
We sure did, Lenny.
- Trevor, it's working.
- Uh-huh.
These two are gonna shtup.
[LAUGHING]: Yay! You're going to exist.
ISAAC: Nigel,
you should know
that Jenkins has been spreading
the most vile of rumors,
- trying to drive a wedge between us.
- Is he?
He told my friends that you and
he liaisoned on Christmas Eve.
Need I remind you
that we were temporarily
broken up at that point?
So it's true?
- We were on a respite.
- A respite?
We were estranged a mere 15 hours.
You refused to even kiss me.
You injured my pride.
I can't even look at you right now.
We're finished.
Again, we were on a respite.
A respite!
- So, this is where we watch movies and just relax.
- Ooh.
We thought maybe you could
enjoy your dessert here.
Thank you so much.
Would you guys like to watch a movie?
Oh, Jay's getting on
board with attempting
to have your parents
fornicate. That's nice.
Okay, Sam, now offer to put
on The Horse Whisperer.
It was a Robert Redford
film that my mother always
referred to as "sensual."
You know what movie I watched
the other night that was good?
The Horse Whisperer.
- Uh-oh.
- [ESTHER GASPS]
Oh, I know that one.
Good choice.
Your mom's all horned up.
I don't think we ever made it
through that one all the way.
- Right?
- [LAUGHING]: No.
[LAUGHS] Well, we should
probably leave quickly.
We're gonna leave you two alone.
ESTHER: Oh, Lenny, you
still got those moves.
And you got the sexiest shoulders
this side of the Long Island Expressway.
[LAUGHS]
- [PHONE RINGING]
- Ah, excuse me.
Seriously?
- Well, it's work.
- Right right now?
No, Dad, no. No, no, no, no, no!
Uh, yeah, hi, hi. Lenny Lefkowitz here.
No, it's a great time.
Oh, she did not like that.
Unbelievable.
No, Mom.
Come back, make love to Dad!
ISAAC: I can't believe
I ever trusted Nigel.
What's up with Commander Crap
over here looking all sad?
Isaac now second most
famous cuckold in house.
Really?
Oh, how do I get past this?
ALBERTA: Well,
in my experience, nothing gets
you over the last like the next.
You got to go smooch someone else.
Yeah, get some strange.
I learned that term from
the water heater repairman.
It means unfamiliar genitals, huh?
Catchy.
What strange is even available to me?
I mean, other than Jenkins,
which no, thank you.
Thor do know of other option.
Other day, when yelling from window
to son Bjorn, I learn
there is a gay Puritan ghost
also living at Farnsbys'.
Perhaps since Puritan ghost
is gay and Isaac also
gay, you two might
get along.
Thor, that's pretty insulting
to suggest two people would be
into each other just
because they're both gay.
ISAAC: Yes.
Thank you, Sasappis.
Now the Farnsbys', you say?
Sam, my dad blew it.
He took a phone call at
a very inopportune time,
which my mom was always annoyed
about when they were married.
That's not good. Trevor's dad blew it.
- Uh, sorry, No Pants!
- They're leaving right after the memorial
tomorrow, so we have to get
something to happen tonight.
JAY: Babe, I think we got to
take the "L " on this, okay?
We tried to get two
elderly people to smush
at their son's memorial weekend,
and we just didn't quite get there.
Their divorce is my fault.
If I don't do everything that
I can to solve this right now,
I am never going to get another chance.
I don't like these long silences.
They're never good.
Okay, so, in The Parent
Trap, they sent a message
to the one parent to get them
to show up at the same place
where they knew the other
parent was going to be.
Okay.
What's your point?
You could sneak into your mom's room
and use her phone to text your dad
and invite him over.
You want him to sext his dad?!
I wouldn't put it like that.
I love it.
But, yes, I want him to sext his dad.
You're a genius.
[LAUGHS] We're going to hell.
So, how did it go?
I think it went well.
Found my mom's phone,
sexted my dad, at which
point he came over.
And then, obviously, I
got the hell out of there.
Well, they look pretty cozy.
- Oh, baby, I can let you know. They did it.
- PETE: Wait.
Are you also just interpreting
their body language, or ?
Uh-uh, honey. I saw them.
Wanted to make sure it happened
for you, Trev. Congrats.
You watched my parents do it?
It was beautiful.
Seriously? You, too?
Cards on the table. I was gonna leave,
but then Hetty called me a wimp.
HETTY: It was very educational.
Esther put on quite the master class.
JAY: Uh, hey, Sam,
I'd like you to meet Tara Reid.
I'm here for Trevor's memorial.
TREVOR: My parents are boning,
and Tara Reid is at my
memorial? Best day ever!
It's very nice to meet you.
Who is Tara Reid?
We've been through this.
She was a huge movie star.
I was at her birthday at The Surf Lodge.
- Ah.
- She was going to be
my celebrity out if I ever got
into a long-term relationship.
Uh, Trevor's brother Jeremy hired Tara
off of an app called Pop-In?
Which is kind of like Cameo,
but for in-person appearances.
I don't know any of those words.
TREVOR: My brother couldn't
make it so he sent Tara Reid?
Is that a bro or what?
This is Isaac!
Other homosexual ghost I tell you about!
Hello, George!
Hello, Isaac!
Okay, Thor go now!
Let you scream in private!
So, George, tell me about yourself!
Enough chitchat! Let's
get to the naughty stuff!
Oh, that's a bit forward!
- Aren't you a Puritan?!
- Yes, well,
when I died and didn't
immediately go to heaven,
I reconsidered some things!
I'm a bad, bad boy now!
And I want to hear what
you're wearing, sir!
You know, it's all a
bit fast for me, George!
How about reading?!
Are you a fan?! Have you
read The Iliad?!
What did you say about an oily lad?!
Describe him slowly!
[SIGHS]
[UPBEAT, GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING]
Well, looks like a
life well lived, Trevor.
Thank you all for coming.
Losing a child is the worst
thing any parent can go through.
But being here today with all of you
who loved and cared about our son,
it makes me feel like
he's here in the room.
We love you, son.
I love you guys.
- Hey, Trev.
- [GASPS]
The basement ghosts
send their condolences.
I'm trying to listen to my parents talk.
Whoa. Are those your folks?
I saw them boning last night!
They seem great.
LENNY: Not only has this been
a loving tribute to our son.
It's been a reminder of what
is really important in life.
I'd like to say a few words.
Tara Reid is giving a speech.
Sure. Why not?
First of all, I'm excited to tell you
that Pop-In and Taco
Bell have teamed up
for a very exciting offer.
Anyone that leaves
here from the memorial
and mentions Trevor's
name at the drive-through
gets a free large drink.
- Aw. That's nice.
- [APPLAUSE, SOFT MURMURING]
TARA: I didn't really
know Trevor that well, but
he seemed like a really
warm and wonderful guy.
- And he was a bit of a player.
- Yes.
And the apple doesn't
fall far from the tree.
Right, Lenny? He slipped me his
business card in the kitchen.
Are you kidding me, Lenny?
Oh, God.
It was a business card.
Like she's really in the market
for wholesale lighting supplies?
[GROANS]
LENNY: You never know.
Oops.
I wanted to let you know that
I've decided to forgive you.
I've realized that
what we have is special.
I agree.
Sometimes it takes a
meaningless Christmas liaison
or screaming obscenities
with a pervy Puritan
to realize what you've had all along.
Oh, you heard that?
Paul Revere never screamed so loudly.
Traitorous scoundrel.
Okay, let's not go down that road.
The point is, Nigel,
is that you are a gentleman.
And that is a very rare thing,
and I could not have
chosen a better person
to be stuck with together forever.
But, moving forward, I don't think
you should continue
to live with Jenkins.
Not because I don't trust you,
but because he's a son of a bitch.
That I cannot argue with.
So what are you proposing?
Well, I guess I'm saying that
you should not live in the shed
but rather in the mansion with me.
You mean like in your room?
I mean like in a nearby room.
Don't want to rush things.
We are really baby-stepping this thing.
Well, we have eternity.
All right, Isaac, I accept.
Ooh, what about the library?
I quite fancy that comfy couch.
Are there ants in there?
No, but Jay dropped part of a sandwich
behind that couch a few weeks ago,
so at night there are roaches.
Oh, I think I'm going to like it here.
ESTHER: You haven't changed one bit.
Same old Lenny with the work
calls and the wandering eye.
Sam, you got to do
something. Get in there.
Maybe there's an innocent explanation
for the whole business card thing.
Maybe Tara Reid is interested
in wholesale lighting.
JAY: Yes, I 'Cause
I think she's a producer
on those Sharknado movies,
and they may have lighting needs.
Sharknado?
What are you two talking about?
I saw you guys last night.
There was still a spark there.
Why do you even care? Who are you?
Look, I know you said you felt
Trevor's presence in that room.
And what if you were right?
What if Trevor is here with us today?
My parents also got divorced,
and I know I blame myself.
Maybe Trevor blames his
death for your divorce.
Well, why would he do that?
Because you got divorced
right after I died.
Maybe because of the timing.
No, no. Trevor's death had nothing
to do with us splitting up.
The-the truth is, our problems
were there long before that.
I caught Lenny cheating when the
boys were still in junior high.
I didn't know that.
And we decided to stay together
until they were out of the house.
But Jeremy never left the house.
He-he was still living
there when he was 30.
So it wasn't T-Money's fault.
They were just waiting
for J-Dog to grow up?
It's very hard to take
this story seriously
with you using those monikers.
So it wasn't Trevor's fault?
Divorce isn't about the kids.
It's about the parents.
Trevor, if you're really here,
we want you to know that.
You were the best thing to
come out of our marriage.
The point is,
Trevor, we miss you every day,
and we're so glad you were our son.
I really want to hug my mom right now.
All right, I'm going to
step in and mama bear.
But you keep that baby
shmeckel at a safe distance.
[LAUGHS]
We're never going to
grow apart, will we, Jay?
Okay, it's a key point in the game,
but this feels like a
must-pause conversation.
Smart move, Jay.
Hey, we're #CoupleGoals.
I know. It's just, I always thought
my parents were rock solid,
too, and it seems like
Trevor thought the same
thing about his folks.
Key to successful marriage
die by the time you're
35 from lightning strike
before things get stale.
I know things are great right now,
but what about when we have kids,
or after they're grown up
and we're empty nesters?
[LAUGHING]: Okay, I-I love to panic
about hypotheticals
decades in the future,
but, babe, we're never
going to be empty nesters.
We have eight idiot kids who
can literally never leave.
- Oh, that's true.
- Not loving that.
Jay very wise.
Hey, guys, I just wanted to say thanks.
I had a really great stay.
- Have a safe drive back.
- Thank you.
- All right, ciao.
- SAMANTHA: Bye.
- Bye.
- [SOFT THUDDING, ROLLING]
What was that noise?
SAMANTHA: I'll be right back.
Tara, look out!
Whoa!
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
You could have fallen down the stairs.
Trevor, did you knock
that vase on the floor
to try to kill Tara Reid?
Okay, yes, busted.