Happily Divorced (2011) s02e14 Episode Script

Happily Divorced is shot before a live audience and based on what actually happened to me.
Miss Fran.
Miss Fran! Cesar.
Why did you wake me? I was having the most beautiful dream that Elliott proposed to me and Oh, my God! My God! It's real.
It's real.
Oh, my God.
You must be so happy.
Getting married again at this stage in your life is a miracle.
- Right? - Yeah.
Just like when I saw that face of Jesus in my empanada.
Your parents just pulled up.
Oh, my God, I'm so excited.
I can't wait to tell them the news.
They're gonna be so shocked.
What a minute! It's my news, Peter.
You've already told them your shocking news.
Yes, Mr.
Peter.
Give her this, hombre.
This is a momentous occasion in a young girl's life.
And in hers too.
Oh, I've always wanted to do this.
- There is a God! - Holy crap! - Ma! - Oh, my God! My Frankie proposed.
Oh, my God.
Uh, ma.
That's some ring for a pizza guy.
- Uh, oh.
- It's gotta be mob money.
Whoa, whoa, guys.
It's See, darling.
I always knew that Elliott wasn't for you.
That man is a schmuck.
Uh, you know, ma, it's Elliott that proposed.
But a very successful schmuck.
- Here's the groom.
- Hey, Peter.
Oh, my son.
You know, I always pushed for you.
- Oh, thank you.
Hey.
- Elliott.
Just want you to know my daughter's wedding Sky's the limit.
But we are on a fixed income.
So what happened? You were so scared about getting married, you were so afraid of commit La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la.
- Let's take a picture.
- Okay.
- Uh, sweetie, sweetie, sweetie.
- Yes? I-I know we were supposed to celebrate tonight, but I just got a call from my parents.
They're at the airport in a long layover from Hawaii.
I gotta go out and see 'em, so No, no, wait a minute.
What are you saying? You're not gonna let them sit in some cold airport bar.
That's crazy.
Bring them back here.
No, no, no.
It's too much trouble.
What trouble? Peter can throw together a quick nosh.
I could do seared scallops with orange and jalapeño vinaigrette on a bed of squid ink linguine.
Again? Oh, I know what I'll do.
My Caribbean sausage cheese balls.
I've Peter's sausage and balls.
They melt in your mouth.
Uh, listen, guys.
I appreciate it, but they're gonna be a little jet-lagged, so Sweetie, if I didn't know better, I'd think that maybe you didn't want your parents to meet me.
What? That is ridiculous, all right? No.
You know what? I'm gonna go get them right now.
- Yeah, right now.
- Ah, good.
Good, good, good.
Okay, drive safely.
I can't wait to meet my parents.
What the was that? What the was what? I think that he thinks his parents are gonna hate me.
Look at that.
She was happy for two minutes.
Darling, what are you talking about? Isn't it obvious? His parents are sophisticated people from Nantucket.
His family came over here with a coat of arms.
Our family came over with a kosher chicken.
Honey, don't be ridiculous.
Come on.
What are they gonna possibly hate about you? But if we have 45 minutes The rain in Spain stays mainly in the - Petah! - "Pe-ter.
" ? She was certain that he was the one and only ? ? But their union always seemed a little forced ? ? She got married anyway ? ? Turns out that he was gay ? ? They're still in love ? ? But now she's happily divorced ? so what do you think, Judi? Is this classy enough? Do you think his parents will like it? Honestly, I would never wear that.
Perfect.
Now all I need is a simple pair of pearl earrings and a baptism.
Franny, what are you so worried about? Judi, Elliott's parents are used to him dating these classy, blonde, shiksa debutantes who belong to clubs that you and I can't join, each for our own individual reasons.
Oh, calm down, Franny.
You'll be fine, baby.
Babies What if they want grandchildren? Would you stop it, okay? If Elliott was interested in having kids, he'd be marrying some young baby-making supermodel.
But he doesn't want that.
He wants you.
Get out of my house, Judi.
What? What did I say? You don't get it.
If the in-laws don't like you, it can really do damage to a marriage.
I was lucky with Peter.
My mother loved him, and his mother was dead.
All right, Fran.
So you're saying if his parents don't like you, Elliott would just call the whole wedding off? Well, thank you for planting that idea in my head.
All right.
Turn around.
Turn around.
Look at yourself.
You is kind.
You is smart.
You is important.
You is doing a scene from the help.
Well, it made that little white girl feel better about herself.
Oh, Petey.
All right, now remember, ladies.
I only had 32 minutes.
Oh, Petey, I never thought I'd hear myself say this, but am I glad you're gay.
Wow, shame I got nothing in the fridge.
For God's sakes, Judi.
Thank you.
That's them.
Go get 'em, baby.
Okay.
Ooh, I can't believe I'm gonna meet my future father and motha.
"Moth-er.
" Shut up.
- Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, you look beautiful.
Hi, fiancée.
Mwah, mwah, mwah.
Oh, my God.
- Sweetie.
- Yeah? These are my parents, Elizabeth and Douglas.
Mom and dad, this is Fran.
- How do you do? - How do you do? Won't you come in? Thank you.
Fran, it's such a pleasure to meet you.
Oh, it's lovely to pleasure myself, Doug.
Come on in.
Stand up straight.
Thanks, ma.
Ma! What are you doing here? We wanted to come.
Hello.
Dorothea Newman.
Glen Newman.
Pardon me.
I gotta pee like a race horse.
Adopted parents It's such a crapshoot.
Dad pushed weedy in the pool.
- Oh, no.
- Yeah, he did.
Oh, Petey.
So far so good.
Mom hasn't told her "I almost had sex with Jerry Van Dyke" story.
And daddy knows they're from Nantucket and he hasn't There once was a man from Nantucket Okay.
Would anybody like to sample these, uh Black caviar nestled in a creme fraiche in a blini roulade tied with a bow and a chive.
That I made.
- Oh, Fran, darling.
- Yes.
Do you know what would make your new mother-in-law very happy? Oh.
I know, I know.
And trust me.
Elliott and I are going to work on it.
But you know, to be honest, sometimes it's a little erratic down there.
Well, actually, dear, I was talking about another drink.
Oh.
That I can produce.
Oh, none of that pesky ice this time.
Oh.
It takes up such valuable real estate.
Okay.
Okay.
I'd like to propose a toast to my son Elliott and his lovely bride-to-be, and my new golfing buddy Glen, and his alluring wife dori.
Dad, don't forget your lovely wife, my mother.
I couldn't, no matter how hard I tried.
Oh, divine.
Who would ever think to deep-fry tortellini? You homosexuals are so gifted.
Mother, do you remember what happened the last time you had too much to drink? No, darling.
That's the whole idea of drinking.
Oh, sweetheart, that is some ring your husband gave you.
Either you're doing something very right, or he's doing something very wrong.
Go back to your seat, ma.
So, Doug, what's a rock like that go for? Just a ballpark.
A ball park would've been cheaper.
Okay.
Fran's famous molasses-covered bacon.
But Fran ran out of brown sugar so I had to use caramelized honey butter.
If you'll all excuse me for just a moment, I-I have to go to the Loo.
You need some help, mom? Oh, no, darling.
I'll be just fine.
Whoops! Oops! That's That's the closet.
Oh, sorry.
That's your room.
Mother, this way.
Let me show you where the bathroom is.
Oh, thank you, sweetheart.
It's right down the hall here.
- Thank you.
- Yeah, yeah.
Oh, babe.
- Yes? - Do you mind? I got to return this call.
London, business.
So I'm just gonna disappear for a second.
Why would I mind? You're not really disappearing.
You're going away, but you're coming right back.
No one hates me.
Franny.
We have a little situation here.
What's the matter? Elliott's father is hitting on your mother.
Don't worry.
It's all good.
How is that good? Your father had gas, and he stepped out onto the porch.
You know, I dated a tasty little gal from Puerto Rico who had gorgeous eyes and thighs just like yours.
Doug, this is very inappropriate.
Oh.
Was she also a dancer? Here's Fran getting dressed.
Doesn't she make a beautiful bride? Oh, there I am getting my tux on.
Here's my groomsmen putting on my cummerbund.
I remember laughing so hard because he was tickling me.
What? Oh, Francine, darling.
Come.
Sit here next to mummy.
Okay.
I am having such a fun evening.
Oh, wow, that's great.
Well Who knew this group might somehow form a family? You know, there is one problem with the whole thing.
What? I'll put them in a home.
We live back east.
We're never gonna see you.
We can visit.
Okay, picture time.
Oh, yes.
Let's take a picture.
All married couples go with their spouses.
Everybody get in the picture of a new family.
Where's Elliott? Someone's got to take the picture.
Oh, my.
Where's my ring? Oh, you probably left it on the sink in the bathroom like you always do.
Oh, right.
Well, that happens.
Remember when Fran was a baby? We were shopping and you left her in the bathroom at Macy's.
I wasn't a baby, daddy.
I was seven.
Then why were you wetting your pants? Because my mother left me in the bathroom at Macy's.
My ring wasn't there.
Oh, what do you mean it wasn't there? You had it on, you went to the Loo, you came back, and it was gone.
Actually, dear, I had it on, I went to the Loo, I came back, you went to the Loo, then it was gone.
Wait a minute.
Are you insinuating that my daughter took your ring? No, ma.
Don't be ridiculous.
Elizabeth just wants to know where it is.
She's not accusing me of stealing her ring.
Well, maybe she is.
Elizabeth, I'm sure that your ring is somewhere.
You know, I always find when I lose something, it's best to retrace my steps.
I went to the Loo, I came back, you went to the Loo, and now the ring is gone.
Yeah, well, it always works for me.
Like, when I lose Elliott, I'm gonna retrace it back to this moment.
Are you kidding me? You almost done, babe? No.
No, I don't believe it.
Babe, okay.
Okay.
Yeah, I know.
I know.
Mm Mwah.
Good-bye.
I don't think I'm the one that's being disagreeable.
- I just want my ring back.
- Elizabeth, Elizabeth.
Calm down.
What do you want me to do? Give everyone a cavity search? All right.
That's it, Casanova.
You've been making eyes at my wife all night.
- Let's take this outside.
- Glen, Glen.
Are you crazy? Daddy, what are you doing? You've got two stents, an angioplasty, and a pacemaker.
One punch and you'll explode.
What's the matter with you? You know this whole thing is becoming kind of silly.
It's ridiculous.
Yeah, so I think I think we should put an end to it right now.
Thank you.
So, why don't we all close our eyes and then if the ring miraculously appears in front of me, then no one will be the wiser.
Okay, that is it.
I have tried so hard to make this a lovely evening for everyone.
But you are making it very difficult.
You're a mean lady! And I did not take your ring.
Personally, I find it very gaudy.
And to top it all off, you've drunk us out of house and home.
And you have been hitting on my mother.
And to think that I would be worried that you wouldn't like me? Well, I got news for you.
I don't give a damn whether you like me or not because I'm not marrying you.
I'm marrying Elliott, God willing.
And we are going to have a wonderful marriage together.
And I'll tell you something else.
We are not going to end up like the two of you: A lush and a horny old man.
Uh, mom? I found your ring in the carpet.
So what do you say? Thanksgiving on Nantucket? Oh, Fran, I feel dreadful about everything.
I hope there are no hard feelings.
Oh, no.
Of course not, ma.
Oh, have you seen my purse? Oh, uh - Ah, here it is.
- Oh.
Here it is.
Bon voyage.
- Bye.
- Mwah.
Safe trip, mom.
- Bye.
- Yeah, bye.
Glad we got things straightened out, Glen.
You sure you don't mind driving us to the airport? Are you kidding me? I'm not allowed to drive at night.
It'll be an adventure.
You, up front with me.
Listen, darling.
Can't I help with the dishes? Glen can come get me later.
No, ma.
I'll take care of it.
Listen, Elliott's been on the phone all night.
We've hardly had any time with him alone.
Okay.
Bye, guys.
Facebook me.
Oh.
You know, I love it when we entertain.
But it's also nice when everybody leaves.
Yeah.
Yeah! Oh.
Hmm.
A lush and a horny old man? I hope they didn't take that the wrong way.
It's how my sister tags their Christmas presents.
Are you beginning to understand why I didn't want you to meet 'em? I thought you'd run for the hills.
What? What kind of crazy thinking is that? Is someone a little insecure? Oh, God, I'm gonna miss you.
Why? Where am I going? Babe, I'm I'm sorry.
That album is a disaster.
I gotta go to London tonight.
What? Tonight? But, babe, we just got engaged.
How long are you gonna be gone for? God, you look beautiful.
That long? All right, look.
Calm down.
Elliott is a very successful man.
He is going to be traveling.
We knew this going in.
Well, how much time do we have left? Two hours.
Oh, no.
Sweetie, come here.
You know what? I got an idea.
Let's make those hours count.
Okay.
I can't believe I made this whole night work without a double-sided chafing dish you know, we really should register for one.
- Just Fran.
- I know.