Happy Endings s02e14 Episode Script

Oh, guys.
Come on.
Please tell me you're not still trying to figure out if the girl working at the newsstand is Claire Forlani.
Nah.
Turned out it was just a teenage boy with long hair.
But check it out.
We're watching Max and Grant finish up their date.
Ohh.
Ooh, bow-chicka-bow-wow Right? Oh, come on.
You guys always leave me hanging with the sexy sound effects.
Oh.
Kiss time.
Ohh.
Ooh, bow-chicka-bow-wow Nothing? Pretty sexy fist bump, though.
Bow-chicka-bow-wow I hate you guys.
I cannot believe Max has been in a healthy relationship for this long.
Two weeks? I know.
Amazing.
Guys, uh, Max is not the only one in a healthy relaish.
Things with Sean have gotten really serious.
He's a pharmacist.
Oh.
Hey! Hey, hey.
So how did it go? Really great.
I don't know.
It could have gone terrible.
At one point, I called appetizers "mappetizers," and then I spent the whole rest of the date wondering if he heard that or if he cared.
You know what? I'm gonna text him just to make sure everything's cool.
Yeah.
No.
Will one of you proofread this text? Max, I say, just leave it.
If you want to bring it up again I'm sure you'll find the perfect mopening.
Yeah, maybe he didn't even motice.
Okay, this is no time for jokes, guys, especially when I'm the fattest I've ever been.
How could you let me out of the house looking this fat? We really didn't have a choice.
It's your body.
Wow.
I have never seen you this nervous.
You must really like this guy.
Yeah.
He's amazing Which is where you guys come in, by not ruining everything.
Max, if you're happy, we're happy.
Shut up, Penny.
I know we like to razz on each other's girlfriends and boyfriends.
I may have done it once or twice, but Grant is awesome.
He's different than the freaks that you guys usually date.
Hey.
Not cool.
No, he's right.
It's not been great for me But, seriously, Sean is awesome.
He's the second-best Sean I've ever dated.
You did not date Sean "Puffy" Combs.
But did I date Diddy? No! I'll never tell.
I didn't.
Penny, are you done yappin' about the jag-asses that you've brought home? Can we get back to the point at hand, which is Grant and how special he is and that you guys will please be nice to Grant? Please be nice to Grant.
Please.
Dude, of course.
We promise to be super, super mice to him.
We will be his mest friends in the whole mide morld.
We'll be the friendliest people he's ever met.
Damn it.
Oh, I really thought you were gonna get it.
Yeah.
So close.
Another expired groupon for a dinner for four.
We have got to find some good couples friends fast.
I know.
It is embarrassing ordering a 4-person tasting menu, then pretending our "friends" will be back from the "bathroom" soon or are "late" on account of the "fire" they're putting out because they're both "firefighters.
" Mm-hmm.
Guys, I hear ya "l" and "c," and, yes, Sean and I would be honored to join.
Oh, you know who would be great? Hmm? The Ericksons.
Or me and Sean.
No, no.
The Ericksons always want to talk about their stupid kid.
Ugh.
Yeah.
It's like, we get it.
You made a mistake and then named it Todd.
All the good couples are either boring or want to do sex with us.
It's rude.
It's like, what kind of vibe are we giving off that Every couple we hang out with wants to sweeten our sheets? Well, you do do that super cute thing with the breadsticks, where you break 'em into two pieces and then you-- you dance 'em around.
Like two little bread legs strutting towards the tapenade.
Guys.
Guys.
Guys! Ew.
Guys.
Sean and I would be perfect, okay? He's cool and he's fun, and he won't try to do sex with you.
Whoa! Who does he think he is? Yeah, let him see my breadsticks thing before you make that blanket statement.
He'll want to lay down all over this.
Ohh.
I want to lay down all over that.
Oh.
Bicycle kick! Bicycle kick! Bicycle kick! Dude, it's foosball.
They're all bicycle kicks.
Yeah, well Goal! Oh! Boom! Suck it, Grant! Loser.
We're still winning 9 to 1.
Well, we just took the momentum back, so we are gonna blow this thing wide-- Game over! Oh! Para hoy! Para hoy! Wait.
Why am I saying that? Oh.
Uh, it's a phrase I picked up when I lived in Spain.
Ooh.
The women there selling lottery tickets would call out, "para hoy," which means "for today," and I just thought it was a great phrase in general, like, "live for today.
" It's a good story.
I love that.
I love this! Oh, ho ho! Grant! Ohh.
Man, where did you learn this stretch, bro? My back has never felt better.
Never.
Ever.
Better.
I picked it up in Tibet.
Monks know what's up.
Now just breathe into it, man, all right? Breathe into it.
Oh, ho ho ho ho! Ohh.
I don't care who sees this.
Damn, little daddy.
All right.
Great game, Dave.
So nice to see you guys.
Max, should we head to dinner? Oh, yeah.
Totally.
Bye, Grant.
See you.
Did I get taller? That went amazing.
My friends love you.
Yeah.
I really like them, too.
All right.
Calm down.
They're just okay.
Nothing to get worked up over, but they don't hate you, and they hate everybody.
One time Penny brought home an astronaut And everyone was like, "ugh, space isn't even the final frontier anymore.
" It's true.
I don't think we've seen the last of what caves have to offer.
Thank you.
God! You're perfect! Oh, come on, Max.
Nobody's perfect.
Shh! Save it for them.
I don't care.
So real talk-- Grant's pretty awesome.
I mean, he's nice.
Ohh.
He's smart.
Ideal brow thickness.
And did you see that vest-tie ensemble he was wearing? Oh, my--I mean, I see those colors in my head, and they don't make sense, but then I see 'em on him, and it's like, nothing else does.
Yeah, and he even offered to come over and fix our garbage disposal tomorrow, which is great, because someone decided to put an entire chicken down there.
I can't help it.
I love the sound of bones crunching.
I feel like a God.
I can destroy life.
It's already destroyed.
It's cooked chicken.
Do you realize, if things work out between Grant and Max, he could be, like, the cool guy in our group? Yeah.
Whoa! Whoa, whoa.
I-I think our group already has a cool guy.
Who? We do? The guy from the deli? Well, he's not really in our group.
Uh This guy.
Uh Ooh eh I don't Wouldn't have been my first guess.
Hmm? Yeah, come on.
Max is the lazy one.
Jane's the type-a one.
Penny's the single girl.
Brad's the married one And Alex is the one with the store.
Hey.
That's not fair.
I am not Not cool, man.
Pfft.
Uh, yeah.
It's pretty spot-on.
Exactly, so if I'm not the cool guy, what am I? You're our Dave.
Dave! Every group needs a Dave.
Yes, like in Dave Matthews Band.
Carter Beauford is the Dave.
Guys I'm not just Dave, all right? Clearly, I am the cool guy of this group.
Barkeep, another pint of your strongest lager, please.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah.
How great is Grant? Look how well the disposal works now.
And I am still loving that "para hoy" thing.
I mean, living for today goes against all my instincts, but then in the checkout line today, I impulse-bought What? These batteries.
What? The man is changing lives.
Whatever.
Hey, we've been inside for, like, a half-hour.
How long you leaving those shades on, bud? I'll leave 'em on As long as it takes.
Long as it takes to what? Oh, no.
He's doing David Caruso again.
Caruso'ing wasn't even cool when you did it six years ago.
Live in the now, Dave.
Para hoy.
Whatever.
I don't want to para hoy, okay? But, you know, if my old moves aren't working, I'll just have to kick up the cool a notch.
Get ready for a reboot.
Dave 2.
0.
So, listen, I didn't even tell you guys the best part of Grant's visit.
So he gets a little chicken juice on his shirt.
Uh-oh.
He's gotta take it off, and I'll tell ya, it was not too hard on the old peepers.
I'm sure it wasn't that great.
Only one way to find out.
So you also got a chicken stuck in here? Yeah, well, you know how chickens are.
One minute you're eating them.
The next minute their whole bodies are entirely in the disposal.
Why is he still wearing his shirt? Because people wear shirts! So what's wrong with the old disposal? You know--oh, no! Oh, my God.
I did that totally on accident.
Uh, it's, uh, not a problem.
Oh, yeah.
Let's get you out of this thing.
Whoa.
Oh, good riddance.
Oh.
And where are we on the pants? Those okay or Uh Got it.
Leaving 'em on.
Kewl.
It's a nice shirt.
It's made from eco-friendly soy inks, not cochineal dyes, which are from Ground-up insects And I also get to support a local company.
Oh! Local! Wow! So green.
Get to steppin'.
Well, my shirt is made completely from bug inks, and I'm proud of it, so Oh, come on.
You guys are being ridiculous.
You just think he's cool because you're stupid girls.
Grant-astic voyage! I thought I heard your voice, man.
Check me out, bruh.
Twinsies! Well, fraternal, of course, 'cause, you know Oh.
Oh, we're doing shirtless now? No, we're not doing shirtless! That's cool.
We can do that, bruh.
Take it off.
It was great meeting you, Sean.
You, too, and, hey, Brad, thanks for the rec on where to get the vest.
Great eye, Sean.
Funny story, actually.
Uh My new best friend Grant-- he said to me "Colors don't bite.
They're just colors.
" He's awesome.
He's my best friend, so you know how that goes.
Sounds like a good guy.
Yeah.
Well, I think we can all agree this night was a success.
Yeah.
I had fun.
Hope to see you guys again soon, and I'll call you later, Penny.
Okay.
Bye.
Oh, a kiss on the cheek.
Could have got some tongue, bruh.
Aah.
So what do you think? I think knowing Grant is making us so much cooler.
No.
No, no, no.
I mean, what do you think of Sean? I mean, he's cool, too.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Sure.
Brad, do you know who would be great couples friends for us? Who? Max and Grant.
Dur.
Are you in my brain right now? I might be.
O.
M.
--Yes! Dream team, baby! Yeah! Unh! I mean, I'm in all of your heads right now, because I'm thinking-- Sean, Penny, Brad, Jane-- dreamy teamy.
Aah! I don't know.
I-- that's on you, babe, seriously, 'cause Okay.
Yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
'Cause I want to get to the bottom Mm-hmm.
Of why Sean didn't want to have sex with us.
I mean, was he shy? Was he playing some games? I mean, what do you think the deal was with that? I just got off the phone with Grant.
I wanted to go do that thing with him where we go to a gymboree and we scream, "Aidan? Aidan, where are you, honey? Aidan, daddy's getting worried.
Aidan?" But we can't because obviously he's too busy taking Penny to a sample sale.
Hey, man.
Chillax about Grant.
Maybe sometimes a boyfriend isn't the coolest guy around.
Maybe the coolest guy around is the guy lounging on the couch right in front of you.
The guy in the scarf telling me to "chillax"? Come on, man.
It's a way better catchphrase than "para hoy.
" Not everybody needs to live for today, but everyone needs to chillax.
Okay.
You're done.
Hit the showers.
Knock, knock, Dr.
Spock.
We were just cruising around the neighb, wanted to see if, uh, Grant was around, maybe wanted to hang out or such.
Maybe he feels like fixing things? Whatever.
Okay, this is very nice that you guys like Grant, but it has got to stop.
I mean, it's starting to get cray.
Max, I-I'm so sorry I'm late.
I was doing a bachelor auction for Jane, but--special bonus-- enid will be joining us.
She has some great stories.
My husband's dead.
Oh.
That was her best story.
Sorry, Max, but you said you wanted us to like him.
Well, we love him.
I mean, he's perfect.
Mm.
Alex, come on.
Nobody is perfect.
God, you're so lucky, Max.
Yeah.
Don't you think he's lucky to have me? I used to think Michael Caine was perfect until I met Grant.
Okay, stop saying Grant is perfect! Grant is not perfect.
I will find what is wrong with him right now.
Whoa! Whoa.
Man, that was weird.
I think we all just need to sit down and chillax.
Is that an indoor scarf? Look, did I or did I not call for an across-the-board chillaxing? Yep.
Yep.
Yep.
He is wearing one.
Definitely, and--and sunglasses.
Oh, and the shades.
All right.
Ohh.
Oh, no.
Jane, you guys really have to cancel tomorrow? This sooks! Sean and I were so excited to lock in the whole couples thing.
Unexpected Dave! Hiya.
Jane, I gotta call you back.
So what are you doing there, friend? Well, Al told me the door was broken, so I'm just here fixing it.
And you had to be shirtless to do that? Well, I was crouching, and you know how heat lowers and the whole thermal inversion thing, so voila.
So how was the sample sale? Did you have a blast with Grant looking at dumb clothes? The blastiest time ever.
Grant rented us Italian scooters.
So cool.
Yeah, well, I drive a food truck, which is basically a car full of ovens, so Dave, it's not a contest.
You don't have to compete with Grant or Sean.
Who's Sean? The point is, you're our Dave.
Everyone stop saying that! I almost forgot, Grant bought our Dave something.
He found this jacket, and he just knew it would look great on you.
Damn it.
This will look great on me.
I am really loving this look on you, Sean.
Yeah, well, thanks for buying all this stuff for me and dropping it off at my office and strongly suggesting I wear it today.
Well, you said you liked it on Brad.
In passing Mm.
But I gotta admit, it feels pretty right.
Oh, I'm just so bummed that Brad and Jane aren't gonna get to see how cool you look, but today is gonna be fun.
I heard about this cool gallery show from Max's boyfriend/my dear friend Grant.
They're couples-cheating with Max and Grant! And Grant's probably explaining the art to them.
Now we'll never know what it means.
Yeah, I'm sorry, babe.
I know how you want to be Couples friends with them.
No.
You know what? Not anymore I don't.
Who cares about being Jane and Brad's stupid couples friends if we can be Max and Grant's stupid couples friends? I'm getting really confused.
Can't we hang out, just the two of us? Oh.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
That makes perfect sense.
We'll just be each other's couples friends.
Sorry.
Pfft! Damn it! Well, everyone was right.
Grant's perfect.
I can't find a single thing wrong with him.
Yay, Grant! No, not "yay, Grant"! This is a disaster! Why are you so obsessed with finding a flaw in him? Most people would be psyched to find the perfect guy.
I'd be psyched to find a guy who doesn't turn his underwear inside out and go, "good as new, baby.
" Now in this situation, is he referring to his underwear as "baby" or you as "baby"? The underwear.
That's disturbing.
Okay.
Max, don't change the subject, okay? I know what you're doing.
Whenever something is too perfect, you always blow it up.
Do not use your dime-store psycho-- that's exactly what I'm doing, but I have to, 'cause if Grant is so perfect, that means that I'm not good enough for him.
Oh, Max.
Don't say that.
It's true.
I know I may be tough on the outside Not really.
But I'm actually very fragile on the inside And a little on the outside, too.
And I have to be brave for everybody else.
You love to play the victim.
The point is that once Grant realizes that he can do way better than me, he's gonna dump me, so I gotta dump him.
It's called taking prevemtive measures.
It's called redemptive measures.
I think I would know if I was being redemptive.
We're not in Europe.
Okay, you're acting crazy.
All you guys need is a little alone time to reconnect.
We'll stay away so you guys can have a nice, quiet dinner for two.
You know what? That's a great idea.
A quiet dinner for two is the perfect place to dump him.
No! For love! For dumping! Thank you.
You're smarter than you are tall.
Good day, tiny madam.
Yeah, so I'll probably be too busy in the next coming weeks.
Too busy for what? I didn't mention anything.
Cool, cool, 'cause I probably can't.
Can't what? Oh! Hey, guys.
We heard you might be here.
We love this place.
This is Sean.
He's a pharmacist.
Whoa.
Grant, Sean, twins alert.
Okay, Penny.
Can I talk to you for a second? I have some very important things I need to say to Grant.
This is supposed to be a quiet dinner for two.
What's that? Sure.
We'd love to stay.
Great idea.
Oh.
Hey.
Okay.
Great.
I'll, um, I'll make it a reservation for four.
No, you don't have to do that.
Fun.
It's What? Max! You come here with Grant? What? Who's in possibly the smoothest overcoat I've ever seen in my life.
Okay.
Hey.
Pipe.
We're kinda doing a little "dinner for four" type of thing here, so why don't you get to scoochin'? I think everybody here could get to scoochin'.
And I know that you couples-cheated on us with Max and Grant, but you'll be sorry, 'cause--twist! They're about to see that the real dream team is Max-Grant-Penny-Sean, party of four.
It's supposed to be party of two.
Reservation for six.
Hey, buddy.
Hey, man.
What's up? Yeah.
Let's talk about this before we make these decisions.
Game on, sister.
This dinner is gonna be a test of who Grant really likes, okay? Hint--us.
Try hint Sean! Mm.
Oh.
Hey.
Us.
Hey, guys.
Good to see you again.
Brad, check it out.
Twin alert.
Mine's better.
Sean, focus up! We are in a feud with them, and there's already been a twin alert issued for you and Grant.
Hey, y'all.
Alex, what are you doing here? You're the one that told me to have a quiet dinner for two in the first place! I am not gonna let you blow it up with Grant.
Okay, reservation for Great.
Great.
Seven.
Hey, guys.
Or eight.
Check this out.
How much cooler is this than the Italian Scooter, huh? Whoa.
Whoa.
Oh.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Oh! Dave! Ohh! That's gravity.
Hey, Dave, hold on! I used to be an e.
M.
T.
Dude, chillax.
I got this, man.
Okay? It's okay.
All right? Yeah.
Okay.
All right.
Yeah.
Hey, by the way Do you like that jacket that I got for you? Yeah, Grant.
It's awesome.
Whatever.
It fits like a glove, and it slims me down in all the right places, so thanks.
Oh, boy.
Hey, let's eat.
Let's eat.
Hungry.
Dibs on sitting next to Grant! You've gotta-- Or Sean.
Okay.
So I'm on the table, and I got my shirt off, And I'm swinging this snake in the air.
It was a getting crazy, but, you know, in France, you gotta try absinthe.
Oh! Bonjour.
Speaking of tables, how do you ever know if you're with the right person? Max.
Stop it.
Sean and I are always saying we want to try absinthe and just get crazy.
Just another thing that makes us have everything in common with Grant.
Oh, Grant and I have a lot in common, too.
I mean, "para hoy"-- kind of a mantra we started.
Don't forget our vest-tie combos, huh? Which I guess we also share with Sean now.
The look works.
Yeah, well, it was kind of a him-and-me thing.
Yeah, well Sean seems to have leapfrogged you, style-wise.
End of an era, hombre.
Guys, there's enough of Grant to go around.
We could learn a lot from him.
He knows so many facts.
Yeah, well, I got a bunch of facts, too, so Hey, I love learning new facts.
Hit me.
You know what, guy? You keep your facts.
I'll keep mine.
Here's a fun fact.
I'm thinking of moving out of the country.
Where to? Doesn't matter, but it will effectively sever all my personal rel-- See, there you go.
Speaking of relationships, Grant, there is a wedding that Brad and I are going to Oh.
In Kona That's Hawai'I.
And we would like for you to be our plus-one All expenses paid.
Grant.
Ding, ding, ding, ding! Uh, Sean and I have a wedding we also want you to go to with us.
It's in Europe, so it's basically like a royal wedding.
All expenses paid with a very generous per diem.
Per diem.
We'll name a volcano after you.
Great.
Well, do all those things with them, Mr.
Perfect.
I'm sure you'll have all the free time you need, because I actually think that you and I Should have a little chat a-- yeah, why don't we just take that? Yay, Grant! Isn't it gonna be fun that we all get to keep hanging out all the time? Oh, you know so many great restaurants.
So much fun.
I can't wait.
Oh, what should I wear? Yes, and you know-- Aah! No! Please! No, please stop! I-I can't do this anymore! Okay, look, I wanted you all to like me because you always hate everyone.
That is correct.
Fact.
Well, with good reason.
But I can't be everything to everyone, and now I've got this Sean guy to worry about.
Who is this guy? He's a pharmacist.
He's a pharmacist.
I'm a teacher.
What? I am exhausted.
I wish I could just chillax like Dave, which reminds me, Dave, what is it gonna take to win you over? You're impenetrable.
I am what I am.
I just did all of that stuff because I desperately wanted to be liked.
Wait a minute.
You're not perfect.
You're needy.
That's what he is.
You're flawed officially.
Yes, I am, although celebrating it seems unnecessary.
Yeah, well, I apologize.
That was very rude.
Max, I am not strong like you are.
I care too much what people think of me.
You Don't care about anything, and I'm so lucky to have you, but I just can't try to impress your friends anymore.
Grant, you don't have to try to impress my friends.
You've already won me over.
Who cares what these idiots think? Listen.
Grant, you're right.
It's, uh, it's tough being the cool guy of the group.
Come on, Dave.
This is Grant's moment.
Hey, Grant.
What am I doing right now? What's that? What do these look like? Sticks? Like, if you were to describe these What would they look like as a body part? Uh, legs.
Yeah! These are walking, too, now.
No.
Penny, I'm so sorry we couples-cheated on you.
It's just, Grant called and-- Shh.
I would have done the exact same thing.
Instead of competing, let's just go back to us being couples friends-- the original dream team.
Yes! You know, it's early.
Why don't we go back to my place for a little menage a four? What's that now? Pardon? Because of the couples-- Finally! Breadsticks Strike again! And No.
No.
bye, bye, bye, bye, bye.
Impenetrable! Should I be following you? I think I-- No.
Hey! Hey, guys! Oh, come on.
Nobody saw that? It was awesome! I am the cool guy!